Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Fuuuuuuuuck meeeeeee. Went to fetch my laundry, my father came home, I got caught up talking to him, and now I’m not tired? Or I am but like, not at the point of exhaustion like I was earlier where I literally could have fallen dead asleep but needed to get my laundry because literally all of my clothing was in the dryer and I didn’t want to walk around naked when my father and brother got home. u_u (luckily was emptying the dryer when my father came back so I just threw on some shorts)

 

and now I have to wait for my father to finish his going to bed routine before I can go brush my teeth and try to pass out. Gdi. 

[Bean Sidhe]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

High five! Bean is awesome too.

 

sleep is totally about to happen. Dragging myself down to the dryer right now, then getting ready for bed and hoping to psd the fuck out. 

 

so I saw that sleep didn't really happen right away, but I am hoping you got some.

[fleaball]

Sleep did happen eventually. And then I woke up a lot. I'm not sure what I've done to offend the sleep gods tbh. 

 

Trying to make myself do another job application for one of the smaller universities here and I know literally nothing about it beyond the name (just looked at Google Maps and went "oh THAT's where it is??") so I'm trying to research what kind of crap to put in my cover letter and my eyes are just rolling back into my head because I don't want to do this and I don't care. Ugh.

[fleaball]

I’m pretty sure my damn cat tried to eat my meatball sandwich while I took two seconds to go get more water. Asshole.  

[fleaball]

GUESS WHO JUST FOUND A TYPO IN A COVER LETTER SHE SUBMITTED FOR A JOB IN MAY. 

 

lol fuck my entire life. I'm pretty sure that's not why I never heard back about it (hospital job that wanted healthcare experience), but still. Argh. I check and double check for that shit all the time. Anyway, I wanted to get this application done tonight but even though I was texting @Severine and saying that I'm pretty confident about this one, I'm so fucking anxious about the application itself that I just rewatched 3 episodes of The Magicians, which I've already seen about 4 times. So, you know. That's happening. 

[fleaball]

Friday status update:

 

I am mad at my brother because I had to take him to pick up a new prescription and he has no respect for my time. (He picked the time we would leave and he was still late. Because he’s tiiiiiired.)

 

My brother is mad at me because while I was driving I asked “so you said you wanted to be cremated, but what do you want before and after?” Eg services and where to dump him. Apparently that was not a question I’m allowed to ask. 

 

My father is made at the world because he took the day off to “get stuff done” so he went to the Social Security office down the street to get the death benefit we’re entitled to for my mother. He got there before it opened at 9am and texted me at noon to say he was the third person in line and still waiting. All of this over $200 that he doesn’t even need. But he has to get it because it’s owed to him. I have zero sympathy and have tried to talk him out of it but nope. 

[fleaball]

Blahhhh. Planned on going driving tonight because it's the Friday before Halloween so parties and shit. But also want to get this job application done and I'm just freezing every time I look at it. And my stomach is being a dick, so driving isn't looking like a great idea at this point in time. Raaaaaaage. I just want to get something done for once. 

[Jean]

I'd say go for a walk, pet the cats or do whatever allows you to drop some pressure and then decide which one of the two feels like the less dreadful one and do that. Performing one or the other counts as a win, this is one of the very few times where dropping the job application (or the driving, but not both) is a good thing to do.

[fleaball]

6 minutes ago, Jean said:

I'd say go for a walk, pet the cats or do whatever allows you to drop some pressure and then decide which one of the two feels like the less dreadful one and do that. Performing one or the other counts as a win, this is one of the very few times where dropping the job application (or the driving, but not both) is a good thing to do.

Cats have been petted. One is currently sleeping on my foot. It's only 3:30pm here right now so I have plenty of time to go driving. At this point I'm probably going to wait a few hours because rush hour is about to start and it's not worth sitting in traffic for that. So I'll go out after 6-ish, maybe. Which gives me time to get this stupid application done. And yeah, putting off the application wouldn't be terrible in and of itself, because it's Friday afternoon and no one's going to look at it over the weekend, but I do this all the time with applications: I'll start one, freak out halfway through and put it off, and then wind up ignoring it until the posting has closed. So I'm trying to avoid that. 

[Jean]

Oh, in that case, taking a big mug of coffee is my usual remedy to this situation. Sending some thoughts...

 

... and some help:

 

 

 

 

Don't let yourself get distracted.

 

 

[fleaball]

Resume is done. Cover letter is half done as I started tearing it to pieces last night and now it needs to be rebuilt. Progress!

[fleaball]

Actual footage of Flea writing her cover letter and then immediately rereading what she wrote: 

 

 

On the bright side, I've been checking the Lyft app and it's not super busy yet so I'm not hurting myself on that front at least. But I'll definitely need to hurry up here and eat dinner so I can get out there. I think at this point I'm going to finish my cover letter, then leave it til tomorrow to check over and do the actual application bit as well. 

[fleaball]

lol fuck. There’s going to be a nor’easter tomorrow. Thankfully just rain and not snow but fuck, I don’t wanna drive in that. D:

[fleaball]

Welp. Gave up earlier than I expected because drunk college students jaywalk like no one else and I don’t want to kill anyone tonight. But I made enough tonight that even if I get rained out tomorrow I’ll be able to get what I need on Sunday. I don’t really mind driving in the rain but some of the main roads I wind up on tend to flood easily so fuck that. Tomorrow’s probably just going to be marathon job applications and probably some cleaning since Thing 1 and Thing 2 are both working 3-10 (at least). So all in all maybe the storm won’t be the worst thing in the world, it just sucks that it had to be on one of the busiest weekends. Le sigh. 

[fleaball]

Am conflicted. So far the storm isn't entirely terrible (she says right as a gust of wind hits) but I'd already resigned myself to not driving tonight so now I don't want to. But I really should. #fleaproblems

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Am conflicted. So far the storm isn't entirely terrible (she says right as a gust of wind hits) but I'd already resigned myself to not driving tonight so now I don't want to. But I really should. #fleaproblems

Don't should on yourself. You already said you made enough yesterday. So here's a flowchart.

 

Should I drive?

|
|
|
|
Do you want to?

|      \

|        \

|          \

Yes .    No

|               \

|                 \

|                   \

Drive           Don't Drive 

[fleaball]

6 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Don't should on yourself. You already said you made enough yesterday. So here's a flowchart.

 

Should I drive?

|
|
|
|
Do you want to?

|      \

|        \

|          \

Yes .    No

|               \

|                 \

|                   \

Drive           Don't Drive 

Lmao this is very helpful. I’m about to go out for a bit and see what happens but I won’t feel bad if I give up early. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Lmao this is very helpful. I’m about to go out for a bit and see what happens but I won’t feel bad if I give up early. 

The nice thing about the flowchart is that you can go through it as many times as you want.

[fleaball]

LMAO JUST KIDDING GUYS

 

yesterday picking up someone who shall not be named’s prescription: “do we need to drop this off at CVS now while we’re out?”

 

”no, I’ll take care of it myself.” 

 

Today: “if I give you $10 can you drop it off for me?”

 

Go to CVS, surprise they’re fucking out of it AGAIN. And he needs it tonight. So now I’m on hold with the 24-hour Walgreens nearby to see if they have it in stock. So much for making money today. 

[Severine]

Is he still not marathon vomiting every night? Because I know the conversation has moved on but I can't get over that he was doing that on purpose.

 

But hey if you no longer have to hear it, that's a huge win. 

[fleaball]

10 minutes ago, Severine said:

Is he still not marathon vomiting every night? Because I know the conversation has moved on but I can't get over that he was doing that on purpose.

 

But hey if you no longer have to hear it, that's a huge win. 

Yeah that bullshit is finally over. So naturally the medication he needs right now makes him nauseous and vomit like crazy if he misses a dose or two, hence my insistence on getting it filled even though he’s an asshole. I don’t want to deal with that again. 

[Severine]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

the medication he needs right now makes him nauseous and vomit like crazy if he misses a dose or two, hence my insistence on getting it filled even though he’s an asshole. I don’t want to deal with that again. 

 

[fleaball]

Welp. Again, made less money than I expected for this weekend, but still more than if I hadn’t gone out at all. Called it after 3 hours because killer potholes and flooding tunnels, whee! Also got my brother’s medicine because even though I was going to drag him with me to get it later, I didn’t feel like leaving the house again. So fuck it. 

 

New puzzle for those of you who understand my brain better than I do: why the fuck am I weird about money? Specifically, when people offer me money for things (my brother paying me for chauffeuring him around, Lyft passengers giving me cash tips, even people putting money in the tip jar when I worked at Starbucks, which obviously wasn’t strictly for me) I get super uncomfortable. When my brother first asked me to drop off the prescription he said he’d give me $10, and he did actually put it in the enevelope with the prescription. When CVS gave it back to me I drove to his work (other side of the shopping center) to ask if he could live without it because he wasnt answering my texts. He asked me to take it to Walgreens and said “I’ll give you more money if you want.” For some reason that made me angrier and I was just like “that’s not the point.” When I texted him later to say I was picking it up without him he replied “ok thanks. I know it’s not the point but I’ll give you more money if you want.” The only reply I could put together was “I won’t say no to money.” Which, what the fuck. I even feel uncomfortable when people give me money or gift cards for Christmas and birthdays and whatnot even though I prefer it to “I have no idea what you like so I picked this thing at random.” 

 

I hate my brain. Where do I get a new one?

[Severine]

45 minutes ago, fleaball said:

New puzzle for those of you who understand my brain better than I do: why the fuck am I weird about money? Specifically, when people offer me money for things (my brother paying me for chauffeuring him around, Lyft passengers giving me cash tips, even people putting money in the tip jar when I worked at Starbucks, which obviously wasn’t strictly for me) I get super uncomfortable. When my brother first asked me to drop off the prescription he said he’d give me $10, and he did actually put it in the enevelope with the prescription. When CVS gave it back to me I drove to his work (other side of the shopping center) to ask if he could live without it because he wasnt answering my texts. He asked me to take it to Walgreens and said “I’ll give you more money if you want.” For some reason that made me angrier and I was just like “that’s not the point.” When I texted him later to say I was picking it up without him he replied “ok thanks. I know it’s not the point but I’ll give you more money if you want.” The only reply I could put together was “I won’t say no to money.” Which, what the fuck. I even feel uncomfortable when people give me money or gift cards for Christmas and birthdays and whatnot even though I prefer it to “I have no idea what you like so I picked this thing at random.” 

 

 

This is just a guess, but since your mum, from the time you were very young, worked to make you feel unworthy (of praise, attention, etc.) you probably don't have good paradigms for accepting money or gifts in general because you don't know how to feel like it's reasonable for them to be doing it. Probably you grew up learning that if someone is offering you something, it's only part of some ulterior motive to get you to do something for them or make you feel indebted or otherwise manipulate you. So someone tipping you or offering to pay you for your time feels either like a trick or like something you don't deserve and feels super uncomfortable?

[fleaball]

^ was thinking along the same lines. Will reply tomorrow. 

 

In the meantime, I'm just going to scream into the fucking void for the rest of eternity. I'm pissed at my brother for not being able to manage his medication like a goddamn adult. I'm pissed that the weather was shitty on the one weekend where making insane money is otherwise guaranteed. Also: the fucking toilet has been wonky for a few days and I'm 99% sure it's because my brother uses those stupid wipes that say they're flushable but aren't - of course when I say "hey can you stop doing the thing because it's bad" he gets pissy and dismisses me. Awesome, I hate you even more now. (Never mind that the thing has had intermittent issues forever anyway and my father said he would call the plumber six weeks ago to come check out that and a bunch of other things but of course he hasn't and he gets mad when I ask about it.) And then, not five minutes later, the fat cat jumps up on my bed and barfs all over it. Which nearly makes me barf so I have to get my fucking brother to clean it up for me. So now it's midnight and all I want to do is go to bed but my only set of sheets is in the wash. 

 

I hate my family. I hate this fucking house where nothing works. And I hate that I'm too fucking damaged to do literally anything that will get me out of here.