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fleaball

Battle Kitten: Ascension

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9 hours ago, fleaball said:

And I hate that I'm too fucking damaged to do literally anything that will get me out of here.

 

So I don't know if you really meant this or just feel frustrated but I have to point out this is super not true. You spent your day yesterday working on a job application and driving around making money. In the past few months, you've found a good therapist, been going to therapy, been making money, applying to jobs when they look suitable, handling health and medical issues, socializing with people in Boston, working on self-care stuff like cooking and cleaning your house up and improving your eating, handling your student loan issue very successfully, etc. The list goes on and on. You have, in fact, been doing a shitload of stuff to work toward getting out of there, and to work toward healing the trauma of growing up there, and to make your life better while you're there.

 

I think this is another legacy of your mum: your efforts never counted for anything unless there was some concrete end result and even then it was like, "well of course you were supposed to do that." And now you find yourself in a situation where you have made a shitload of effort and achieved a tonne of incremental improvements and small victories, but you're still working on the big goal. So when you're feeling frustrated you don't see the pile of small victories or the progress toward the goal. All you see is that the big concrete end result isn't yet complete, and so you feel like, not only have I achieved nothing, I haven't achieved a thing I was supposed to be able to achieve. But it's your mum talking.

 

Try to let that perspective go as best you can. Getting to 100% is the eventual goal, sure, but you can't get to 100% without going through 25% and 50% and 75% and that progress is worth celebrating too. It's not all or nothing. You've already got one foot out the door. All you need is a steady income stream and reliable benefits and you're ready to fly.

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Sev stole all my thunder. I agree with Severine™

 

I will also say people with your mom's brand of crazy tend to be weird about money, on top of all their other weirdness. So it's possible that in addition to being made to feel worthless, your mom's attitudes about money add a whole other dimension of weird to the situation.

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So thanks for all the things that were said but I'm just going to drop that conversation because I've tried but I absolutely can't manage to translate my feelings about it into words and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. 

 

In other news, some guy messaged me on LinkedIn about some web-based company he's creating where he'll need someone for a few hours a week of "flexible but dedicated work." I googled him and he's legit and also seems like kind of a big deal. I think I found the website he's talking about too. He also googled me and found the press releases from undergrad about my study abroad scholarships and fml he may have actually helped start one of the programs I was on? Which is perfect because guess who can't remember a fucking thing in Arabic. But we have a Skype chat scheduled for tomorrow afternoon to talk about it. (Fun fact: my profile photo on both Skype and LinkedIn is 8 years old and I've gained 90 pounds since then.) I know I have an out - "sorry, I really need to focus on getting a full-time job right now so I can't commit to doing this + working a real job." But I still have no idea what to expect otherwise.

 

Naturally, I'm sitting here second-guessing everything in the world. He's into international education, which my LinkedIn profile also says I'm into and jfc I'm applying to an international office at a university (spoiler, I still haven't finished the application I started on Friday) but I'm like "is that really a thing I want to do? am I even capable of doing it?" More than anything this is just the ever-present worry about getting stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life. Which I know is not an actual thing that needs to be worried about because surprise, you can quit jobs, but I also don't know what kind of thing I would actually enjoy doing so everything seems like a trap so idk maybe it's just an existential crisis. But there's definitely an element of like, what if I take this because I feel like I should and it bites me in the ass or something. 

 

Plus "why me of all the people who show up on LinkedIn when you search 'international education'"?? (He's not local so it's definitely not that.) Not just in an impostor syndrome kind of deal, but also super skepticism. He even said I'm not the typical person he'd pick for something like this. If anyone's super interested I can PM or text screenshots of the messages but I'm paranoid about posting actual quotes from it since he obviously knows how to use the google. 

 

You know what, fuck this post too. Literally everything I'm writing can be handwaved away with "no, that's your trauma talking, it's not real." Except it is real but there's no way to communicate how absolutely fucked it all is.

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6 hours ago, fleaball said:

You know what, fuck this post too. Literally everything I'm writing can be handwaved away with "no, that's your trauma talking, it's not real." Except it is real but there's no way to communicate how absolutely fucked it all is.

 

Usually I try not to comment too much because I know that a lot of things you go through, I don't truly understand. But I disagree with part of this.

 

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Naturally, I'm sitting here second-guessing everything in the world. He's into international education, which my LinkedIn profile also says I'm into and jfc I'm applying to an international office at a university (spoiler, I still haven't finished the application I started on Friday) but I'm like "is that really a thing I want to do? am I even capable of doing it?" More than anything this is just the ever-present worry about getting stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life. Which I know is not an actual thing that needs to be worried about because surprise, you can quit jobs, but I also don't know what kind of thing I would actually enjoy doing so everything seems like a trap so idk maybe it's just an existential crisis. But there's definitely an element of like, what if I take this because I feel like I should and it bites me in the ass or something. 

 

This is so real. Dude, like every day I question what the heck am I doing and why am I doing this and what if I'm not good at the thing I've been doing for the last 5 freaking years. Oh, and also, do I even want to be doing this and is this were I saw myself when I was young, innocent Sylvaa.  So no, I mean, yeah this might be made worse based on the trauma you've experienced. But I get this. And I mean, I'm not flawless, but I'm a functioning adult (or so they tell me) and I've definitely not dealt with what you have. And I still have these same fears about looking for new jobs. 

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So...I have actually been in the position of taking a job which I then turned out to hate, and which caused me years of stress and unhappiness while I wrestled with the question of whether the right thing to do was to leave the job/industry and do something else, or buckle down and stay committed and try to like it, or at least just stay dedicated to my choice. So it does happen, and it really sucks if it happens, and that makes it pretty rational to be afraid of it. 

 

As you know, I eventually ended up leaving (both the legal profession and my specific job) and it was definitely the right choice, but it came with costs - financial and other. I was lucky to be in a situation where I had a partner who was earning enough that I could even afford to make that choice. And now I like my current job but I know it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but every time I explore a job or a new direction I find myself constantly worried about choosing the wrong thing again, because what if my judgment is just bad? And if I do choose the wrong thing again, I'm afraid of leaving something else because I don't want to be someone who has that pattern but I'm simultaneously afraid of being stuck in something I loathe! So it's a thing I struggle with too.

 

I know your situation is different in a variety of ways but basically I just wanted to echo what @Sylvaa said - this is almost certainly made worse/more painful/harder to resolve by your trauma stuff, but it's definitely not a thing that seems fake or "just trauma" to other people - it's very understandable.

 

Anyway there are people who specialize in helping people figure out career stuff, and while I am sure a lot of them suck, your therapist might know some who are useful? Or you could just talk to her about it? Because it sounds like there's a mix here of practical issues but also some emotional stuff about not being sure whether you have things to contribute or not being sure whether there's any job that you'll like. I think it's fair to say you won't hate every job, so if it feels like you will, if you're afraid that you will, it's definitely worth some emotional unpacking. At the very least, could you make a list of things you'd be genuinely happy to do every day? Tasks/activities, I mean. Even if they're things you can't imagine anyone paying you to do (like learn languages or whatever), try making a list. Just as an exercise to remind you that there are things you do enjoy.

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@fleaball I promised I would let you know when I finally get my own furball so here you go:

 

10d0e700fd7902d933782d08f927d5a5.jpg d45400cc36942735b68ef623e6119f11.jpg

 

He spends a lot more time acting out the first photo than the second and as a result I feel like shit from lack of sleep. Pls send help XD 

 

Hope you're doing ok!

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1 hour ago, Owlet said:

 

 

He spends a lot more time acting out the first photo than the second and as a result I feel like shit from lack of sleep. Pls send help XD 

  

 

Babyyyyyy <3 What's his name??? How long have you had him???

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Sorry for disappearing. Again. I’ve been having trouble sleeping forever —> been grumpy af all day every day —> hiding in a blanket fort with the fat kitty until it’s bedtime, then repeat. Plus my acid reflux has been a dick for no reason so I’m extra miserable. 

 

Last week with my therapist we talked about how I should pick one goal/thing to work on and while driving around yesterday I figured out what I want to do. Came here to say I’ll do the next challenge and lol fuck zero week starts tomorrow? Womp. I’m trying to do an insane amount of driving between today and tomorrow but I’ll get a thread up eventually. Mostly because I’m too pleased with my title to pass it up. (It’s terrible. I don’t even think it qualifies as a pun. But I’m running with it. You’ll see.)

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snorg_shrugemoji_1.jpg

 

I saw this and thought of you. :D 

 

Also I just noticed your new NF title. Has that been there for a long time and I just forgot??

 

Looking forward to the new challenge title! 

 

 

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58 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

snorg_shrugemoji_1.jpg

 

I saw this and thought of you. :D 

 

Also I just noticed your new NF title. Has that been there for a long time and I just forgot??

 

Looking forward to the new challenge title! 

 

 

Yessssss. *grabby hands* 

 

I have no idea where that came from or when. Hey @Tanktimus the Encourager when did you change it?

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On 11/8/2018 at 3:42 PM, Owlet said:

@fleaball I promised I would let you know when I finally get my own furball so here you go:

 

10d0e700fd7902d933782d08f927d5a5.jpg d45400cc36942735b68ef623e6119f11.jpg

 

He spends a lot more time acting out the first photo than the second and as a result I feel like shit from lack of sleep. Pls send help XD 

 

Hope you're doing ok!

brb moving to New Zealand to steal him

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