Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Owlet]

Honestly, this K girl annoys me so much. She needs to leave and go live in someone else's house. Preferably her own. Good call jumping in the shower. As for everything else... Hugs! Because I can't offer anything insightful sorry. I guess it's good your father thought to call you, even if it did freak you out. But it's maybe reassuring that he wouldn't leave you totally in the dark about what's going on. 

[Countess D'If]

14 hours ago, fleaball said:

Roommate just sent me a screenshot of K's Facebook. She posted an article about Trump meeting Teresa May next week and wrote "this is what a feminist looks like." I'm fucking done. 

Barf.

 

Barf ON her.

 

Barf ON her while she is eating her breakfast.

 

Barf ON her while she is eating her breakfast just as the spoon is almost in her mouth and she's about to take a bite so she doesn't have time to correct and she EATS barf cereal.

 

[Severine]

Oh Flea, I'm so sorry. We all love you to death and are here for you. You've got so much to carry right now and I wish so much I could do more than just post on the forum about it. 

 

Your mum's medical situation sounds like a really bad roll of the dice, with the bad reaction to the chemo and the blockage. I hope they're able to do something, even though it feels weird hoping that someone's surgery goes well enough that they can then get chemo, given how much chemo sucks. I'm just so sorry and want to be able to give you a big hug from hundreds of miles away.

 

I am just taking a stab at this, so ignore me if none of it makes sense to you. But...it sounds to me like your mum is deeply uncomfortable with feelings, and talking about them. And, by extension, it sounds like she's really uncomfortable with people around her having feelings and visibly displaying them, especially if they're caused by her, or something she sees as bad?  And I think she's probably uncomfortable as hell with this whole situation, and not dealing well with her own feelings, and doesn't really know the best way to cope and she's taking the approach that it's better not to talk about it too much or get upset or do literally anything that results in the overt display of strong and difficult emotions. So she feels bad if she makes you cry, or worry, because she sees that as a bad thing. Even though worrying and crying when one's parent is sick is very natural and even healthy.

 

Sounds like you've already told her that you want to know about stuff...what about telling her that, like...crying is okay? Tell her that you don't mind (if that's true) and that it helps you face the sadness and get through it, and she should take it as a good sign? I don't know. It almost certainly won't work, but maybe it might at least decrease the guilt she seems to feel at upsetting people?

 

As for coming home, I think you have to be realistic and assume that the information you get from your parents is all going to be filtered through their worries and anxieties about the right way to handle bad news for their children, even if it's subconscious on their part. So you might get the honesty you asked for, but more likely you'll get their best attempt to be honest as altered by their own feelings and assumptions. And I think what that basically means is you need to decide your approach: do you want to come home "too early" - like before anything gets really serious - to spend some time with her, or do you want to wait until it's bad enough that she asks you to? There's no wrong answer. You need to do whatever you feel is best for you and your family. And you need to balance the crappiness of seeing her when she's sick with the crappiness of how you'll feel if you don't see her when she's sick. Every answer ends in hurt, unfortunately - you basically have to pick the right balance of hurts, the one that you think will best balance your needs and your family's needs. For some mothers, it's preferable to not be seen in a weakened condition. For others, the presence of their kids is nice no matter what. I don't know which she is, but maybe you (or your dad?) know. And for some kids, the guilt of not showing up is easier to deal with than the haunting pain of being around for the worst of it. Some are the opposite. Most of us, I think, hate both and are somewhere on the in-between spectrum. I don't know where you fit on that line, but it is good that you're being honest about those difficulties, you know? Most people won't even acknowledge the crap reality of that choice.

 

All I know is that whatever you choose to do, you'll do it as best you can, and thoughtfully, and with the best intentions. And that counts for a lot.

 

As a reminder, if you do come back and you need an airport lift, or someone to cry with over coffee, or someone to distract you with non-cancer talk for an afternoon, I'm here.

[Severine]

29 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

Barf ON her while she is eating her breakfast just as the spoon is almost in her mouth and she's about to take a bite so she doesn't have time to correct and she EATS barf cereal.

 

You're the actual best, it turns out. Did a survey, very extensive. You won.

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Severine said:

Your mum's medical situation sounds like a really bad roll of the dice, with the bad reaction to the chemo and the blockage. I hope they're able to do something, even though it feels weird hoping that someone's surgery goes well enough that they can then get chemo, given how much chemo sucks. I'm just so sorry and want to be able to give you a big hug from hundreds of miles away.

Honestly. It's funny how situations like this kind of turn everything around. I talked to her briefly last night (my father was with her when he called) and she was like "it went well, everything should be fine now." I don't know how much of what she says is like, forced optimism vs actual facts. She did tell me the other night that she hasn't stopped to think about what's coming for her. I mean we're semi-making plans for graduation; even though I don't know if she'll make it I keep bringing up the date and whatever to give her something to look forward to. But at least as of last Thursday she hasn't really given any thought to the whole dying thing. (And this is only tangentially related but I need to repeat again how fucking pissed I am that neither of my parents has a will. I know no one wants to think about it but I've been on them for years, especially after seeing how difficult it was to settle my grandparents' estates even though they did have wills.) Anyway. Basically I don't know how much of what she's saying is for my benefit versus her own. Because everything is "No, this is normal, it happens to a lot of people." "They're just going to do this one thing and then I'll be fine again and everything can go on as planned." Even over Christmas it was "We're doing chemo every two weeks for a while, and then they'll reevaluate and maybe do it less often." I know I'm a pessimist and thanks to anxiety I also go worst case scenario immediately but literally nothing she says makes me feel better.

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

I am just taking a stab at this, so ignore me if none of it makes sense to you. But...it sounds to me like your mum is deeply uncomfortable with feelings, and talking about them. And, by extension, it sounds like she's really uncomfortable with people around her having feelings and visibly displaying them, especially if they're caused by her, or something she sees as bad?  And I think she's probably uncomfortable as hell with this whole situation, and not dealing well with her own feelings, and doesn't really know the best way to cope and she's taking the approach that it's better not to talk about it too much or get upset or do literally anything that results in the overt display of strong and difficult emotions. So she feels bad if she makes you cry, or worry, because she sees that as a bad thing. Even though worrying and crying when one's parent is sick is very natural and even healthy.

 

Sounds like you've already told her that you want to know about stuff...what about telling her that, like...crying is okay? Tell her that you don't mind (if that's true) and that it helps you face the sadness and get through it, and she should take it as a good sign? I don't know. It almost certainly won't work, but maybe it might at least decrease the guilt she seems to feel at upsetting people?

No you're totally right. I've talked a lot with my therapist about how we don't do emotions in my family but I guess I wasn't really connecting the dots here to see how it related. I HAVE explained about the crying more often because of therapy but idk if she's not buying it or what. I mean as far as she knows, it's out of character for me. I rarely cried before as it was, and did it even less often in her presence. When my grandparents died and when we put my dog down I got teary and choked up a bit, but the openly sobbing never happened until I was alone. I'm not sobbing on the phone with her, but it's hard to hide being choked up and sniffling every two seconds. I'll see if I can get through to her but I don't know if it will work. 

 

2 hours ago, Severine said:

As for coming home, I think you have to be realistic and assume that the information you get from your parents is all going to be filtered through their worries and anxieties about the right way to handle bad news for their children, even if it's subconscious on their part. So you might get the honesty you asked for, but more likely you'll get their best attempt to be honest as altered by their own feelings and assumptions. And I think what that basically means is you need to decide your approach: do you want to come home "too early" - like before anything gets really serious - to spend some time with her, or do you want to wait until it's bad enough that she asks you to? There's no wrong answer. You need to do whatever you feel is best for you and your family. And you need to balance the crappiness of seeing her when she's sick with the crappiness of how you'll feel if you don't see her when she's sick. Every answer ends in hurt, unfortunately - you basically have to pick the right balance of hurts, the one that you think will best balance your needs and your family's needs. For some mothers, it's preferable to not be seen in a weakened condition. For others, the presence of their kids is nice no matter what. I don't know which she is, but maybe you (or your dad?) know. And for some kids, the guilt of not showing up is easier to deal with than the haunting pain of being around for the worst of it. Some are the opposite. Most of us, I think, hate both and are somewhere on the in-between spectrum. I don't know where you fit on that line, but it is good that you're being honest about those difficulties, you know? Most people won't even acknowledge the crap reality of that choice.

 

All I know is that whatever you choose to do, you'll do it as best you can, and thoughtfully, and with the best intentions. And that counts for a lot.

Seeing it written out this way helped. I think she probably doesn't want me (or anyone really) to see her suffering or whatever, but I do kinda think it would cheer her up if I were there? And goddamnit as much as I don't want to go back, yeah, the guilt of not doing so would be terrible. Hell I could go back every weekend and would still feel guilty that it wasn't enough. Which is totally a complex I have and not so much a realistic/rational reaction but it still stands. 

 

I texted my father and asked him to call when he's not at the hospital. I'm going to ask him how she's really doing and discuss possibly going home the first weekend in February. She's scheduled to have chemo this Thursday so I don't think that would be the best time.

 

Now that I think about it, part of my reluctance to go home might be that it means acknowledging all of this is happening. I left right before it all started, so save for going to the doctor with her and seeing her at less than 100% in general, it's not necessarily a real thing I've had to deal with. I moved here in August 2015 and didn't go home until a month ago. Doing so again so soon means there's a reason to go, and it's not a good one. And I'll have to see her in whatever shape she's in and the aftermath of the surgery and the chemo and whatever. It's one thing to hear about it all on the phone and hear in her voice how tired she is, but it will be something else to see it all. 

 

3 hours ago, Severine said:

As a reminder, if you do come back and you need an airport lift, or someone to cry with over coffee, or someone to distract you with non-cancer talk for an afternoon, I'm here.

I really really appreciate this. <3 Just as a heads up though please don't be offended if I don't take advantage until after it's all over, even if I do go home in between. A.) I'm not used to reaching out to people even in the best of times. B.) This is the kind of thing I will kinda need to charge through now and then deal with later. I can't actually figure out how to put what I'm trying to say into words but basically it's not you, it's me. Like I will inevitably wind up going home several times to help sort things out after she dies and will definitely need a distraction then, but somehow doing that before she dies doesn't feel right? (That's not what I mean either because it's not that I'd feel guilty meeting you. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Sorry.)

 

 

Aaaand since this post has been in the works for hours, I just got off the phone with my father. He's more emotionally stunted than I am but fuck he was crying too and was saying he might not make it to graduation if she can't. Which is fine. I'm okay with that. I really am. But then he started talking about how unfortunate it is that the last trips they took were the two days they spent here when I moved in and my undergrad ceremony, and that he wanted them to travel when he retired and now he doesn't know what he's going to do. I don't even know where this came from because they can't stand each other and my brother and I were shocked that they didn't get divorced 15 years ago. Anyway. I asked him how she's really doing because I don't know whether she's being overly optimistic for my sake or if she's just telling me what she's being told by the nurses/doctors. He essentially repeated what she was telling me but sounds a little more skeptical about it. And he said "I don't want to scare you but this is pretty much one of the worst ones to get." Which I knew already because the internet is a thing, but I wonder if he's done his own research or if this is something a doctor told them and no one passed on. Fuck. It's a really shitty position to be in when you can't trust your parents. I said I'm thinking of going home next weekend (first week in Feb) and at first he balked because he doesn't want me to miss school/work (I think he misheard me and thought I said I'd come home for a week?) but then he was saying he thinks it might cheer her up. So I'm going to talk it over with my therapist and probably take that Friday off from work and go home. It might mean missing therapy to make a flight Thursday night instead but we'll see. 

 

Fuck me. I should have added tissues to my Amazon order today.

 

Anyway. FML because I still haven't worked on my fucking research proposal and I'm pissed at the way it's turning out because I have to pick indicators to compare my data to but I didn't know I had to do it until last Thursday and I can't find any helpful research right now to tell me what would be useful. She said I can adjust it a bit once I start the research but they need a definitive list to approve. 

 

Right. Not worth getting anxious over. I'll rework it to make it shorter for the prof, pick some shit at random that seems like it will make sense, and then cross my fingers. I suppose my ultimate grade rests on the quality of the paper itself and if it turns out that I picked shitty indicators it's not necessarily a bad thing. The prof does hope that having this research done means people can build on it in the future and makes more people sign up for the consulting project class thing next semester, so getting inconclusive results isn't the worst. 

 

I need to stop talking myself in circles and go do something. Fuck.

[Severine]

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

I really really appreciate this. <3 Just as a heads up though please don't be offended if I don't take advantage until after it's all over, even if I do go home in between. A.) I'm not used to reaching out to people even in the best of times. B.) This is the kind of thing I will kinda need to charge through now and then deal with later. I can't actually figure out how to put what I'm trying to say into words but basically it's not you, it's me. Like I will inevitably wind up going home several times to help sort things out after she dies and will definitely need a distraction then, but somehow doing that before she dies doesn't feel right? (That's not what I mean either because it's not that I'd feel guilty meeting you. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Sorry.)

 

Oh my god, don't worry about offending me, like...multiplied times six thousand. It's meant to be an open offer for whenever it's a thing you want, and not a moment before. One of my most persistent anxieties is the fear that people might be spending time with me out of obligation rather than actual interest, so please, err on the side of not actually taking me up on my offer until you're totally up for it! I would rather wait four years before grabbing a coffee than have to worry that you were hanging out even though you didn't really want to. And obviously you and your family are the priority. You need to do what works for you and your family, on whatever schedule, in whatever way feels right. Whatever that looks like, do it and I will be on the forums cheering you along the way. Seriously, please, under no circumstances should you worry about offending me or explaining anything to me!

 

As for the wills: not sure if this will make you feel better but the rules for people who pass on without a will (intestate) in MA are pretty simple if they're married. I'm not 100% on the rules so look it up if you're worried, but I think your dad just gets everything. He will have to do some paperwork, and get things transferred to his name and stuff but in a situation where there's a spouse and nobody is going to fight about the distribution of stuff (which I am assuming is the case...no evil uncles lurking around or whatever?) it's not that bad. I just did all the paperwork for my FIL (everything went to my MIL obviously) and it was annoying and time consuming but not, like...contentious? Like it was paperwork stress, not court drama stress. But they should still get wills if possible. It's not that expensive if you want something very simple, like $500 or less for both of them should be doable. Sorry, I feel crass even mentioning will stuff but since you've brought it up a couple times I figured I would say something.

 

And I'm sorry your dad is having a rough time. It sounds like he's still kind of in the process of accepting it's happening too? And I guess he needed to lean on you a bit. It's a rough position for you to be in - you seem like the emotional adult of this family in a lot of ways. It's a big burden. I know this is all so awful, but at least try to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and do whatever you need to do without worrying if you're handling things "the right way."

 

As for your project, I approve of picking random indicators and dealing with the fallout later. Common sense goes a long way in crap like that and they've loved everything you've turned in, so I am sure whatever you pick will be good or at least bullshitable. You'll be fine even though it feels all out of control right now  <3

[fleaball]

Will respond to your entire post after I've slept but re: wills, yeah don't feel bad talking about it. It may be morbid but I feel better planning for things because at least I'm doing something. (One of the first things I did when I got back to D.C. was call Verizon bc our plan is in her name.) I looked it up when she was in initially in the hospital and I swear I read that any property not already joint with someone goes 50% to the spouse and 50% to be split evenly among children. To my knowledge she doesn't actually have anything in her name only so I suppose it's a moot point. 

 

They absolutely should still get wills. I doubt she's going to because even well before this she wrote it off as "it all goes to dad anyway, or you and your brother and I know you won't fight over it." But if she hasn't even thought about the fact that she's dying yet, it's not happening. I'll probably have to wait to get my father to do something because he won't want to do it now or immediately after. Hell, my grandfather died in 2011 and is still listed as the beneficiary for his retirement account despite years of me badgering him. It make take my mother dying to give me actual leverage to convince him. I may even have to guilt him into it, honestly. "If I'm living in DC I won't have time to come back and forth and deal with all of this paperwork etc etc." but hopefully that's a bridge I don't have to cross for years. 

[fleaball]

12 hours ago, Severine said:

Oh my god, don't worry about offending me, like...multiplied times six thousand. It's meant to be an open offer for whenever it's a thing you want, and not a moment before. One of my most persistent anxieties is the fear that people might be spending time with me out of obligation rather than actual interest, so please, err on the side of not actually taking me up on my offer until you're totally up for it! I would rather wait four years before grabbing a coffee than have to worry that you were hanging out even though you didn't really want to. And obviously you and your family are the priority. You need to do what works for you and your family, on whatever schedule, in whatever way feels right. Whatever that looks like, do it and I will be on the forums cheering you along the way. Seriously, please, under no circumstances should you worry about offending me or explaining anything to me!

Whew. Good. Half the time I'm afraid that when people offer support they'll be all "why didn't you want my help?!" if I don't take them up on it. And no, I wouldn't have that reaction if it were reversed but that's really not a surprise. We will hang out eventually though. 

 

12 hours ago, Severine said:

And I'm sorry your dad is having a rough time. It sounds like he's still kind of in the process of accepting it's happening too? And I guess he needed to lean on you a bit. It's a rough position for you to be in - you seem like the emotional adult of this family in a lot of ways. It's a big burden. I know this is all so awful, but at least try to give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and do whatever you need to do without worrying if you're handling things "the right way."

 

As for your project, I approve of picking random indicators and dealing with the fallout later. Common sense goes a long way in crap like that and they've loved everything you've turned in, so I am sure whatever you pick will be good or at least bullshitable. You'll be fine even though it feels all out of control right now  <3

Yeah he's got to accept it and also deal with it every day. He's rarely actually had to be an adult in his home life (I assume due to his rank at work he's had to take on responsibility that those are two different things) and now it's all, "surprise, you have to take care of her and deal with all this other shit and you don't have time to process yay!" I've been trying to get him to see a therapist for years and I think he's considering it now but his excuse is that he doesn't have time. Understandable but I still want to shake him. Honestly I think he was crying because I was crying but if I had to guess he probably needed it anyway. Because big manly macho cops don't cry or someshit. I'm trying to be nice to myself but I'm constantly worrying whether I'm doing things adequately, not even right. I've always felt like I'm not good in situations where people need support and that there are just times where I drop the ball completely because i don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I'll get over it though. 

 

<3 Yeah considering I'm using ideas we all threw around at the initial meeting they should work out fine. I just really resent how much of a clusterfuck this has been already and I wish I had more control over the project. But meh. 

[Dagger]

I'm posting mostly to say I've read it. I think you are having a good discussion and I don't have a brain to add anything.

 

An offering instead:

[Countess D'If]

 

 

[Countess D'If]

 

[fleaball]

The first one kills me every. Single. Time.

[Countess D'If]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

The first one kills me every. Single. Time.

 

 

Same. Everytime I come across it, for what ever reason and really, no matter what I'm doing at the time - I'll watch it at least three times. 

[Countess D'If]

Example - right now

[Owlet]

[fleaball]

Flights booked. Anxiety angered. I had to text my roommate "tell me I should buy my damn plane tickets now and stop being an idiot" because I was waffling SO HARD. Already got a day off work for it. There's nothing else happening that weekend. The only thing is that I'm skipping therapy so I can go home Thursday night instead of waiting til Friday morning and that's entirely my choice and I'm okay with it. But I kept thinking I should wait for some reason. Then I had to text roommate again to make sure that if I leave here at 5:30 I can make an 8:05 flight even though it's only an 18-minute train ride. (Even if Metro fucks up hard there's no reason for me to miss it.) Weirdly, now that I've decided to go part of me is like "no you need to go right this minute or it will be too late!" Uggggh. But whatever. It's done. Hopefully before next Thursday I'll be able to fucking do laundry too. 

 

Mehhh I was in a decent mood despite being tired af but now the anxiety has gone and killed that. Maybe I'll finally drag my ass to the cat cafe this weekend. I did buy myself a discounted gift card to Lush so I can buy fancy things. Not super discounted but I will take saving $6 over nothing. It feels a little wasteful because their shit's so expensive even though it's good quality. But I need new lotion and a face mask so why the fuck not. I really want one of the ridiculously bright eyeliners they have but probably couldn't get away with wearing it to work and also wouldn't be able to match it anyway. Boo. 

[Sylvaa]

FWIW, I just had a Facebook friend go on and on about Lush products, because she has eczema and was able to get some face products that did wonders to help her. So I say pamper yourself! Also, I don't wear makeup, but you said ridiculously bright eyeliners and now I want the green one. 

[fleaball]

16 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

FWIW, I just had a Facebook friend go on and on about Lush products, because she has eczema and was able to get some face products that did wonders to help her. So I say pamper yourself! Also, I don't wear makeup, but you said ridiculously bright eyeliners and now I want the green one. 

Forever ago I got something from a store in switzerland that was amazing, but hay was 2009 and I think at the time they weren't as common in the US? So yeah I'm kind of excited about it. But I'm also cheap lol. I got one from them before that was a turquoise I think? Never used it though and just returned it because no matter how much I was in love with it I couldn't figure out where to wear it.

[Sylvaa]

Just now, fleaball said:

Forever ago I got something from a store in switzerland that was amazing, but hay was 2009 and I think at the time they weren't as common in the US? So yeah I'm kind of excited about it. But I'm also cheap lol. I got one from them before that was a turquoise I think? Never used it though and just returned it because no matter how much I was in love with it I couldn't figure out where to wear it.

 

If you think about it, remind me to send you a picture of myself with my bright blue eye shadow circa 1998'ish. It is guaranteed to make you question my sanity.

[Owlet]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Maybe I'll finally drag my ass to the cat cafe this weekend.

Hold up, you have a cat cafe and you haven't been spending ALL YOUR TIME THERE?! Flea, I'm disappointed. I mean, you have very valid reasons and all that. But CATS! And kitties? Ahhh.

 

Also, well done for booking flights (and knowing yourself well enough to text your room mate lol) and yay go pamper yourself at lush! 

[fleaball]

7 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Hold up, you have a cat cafe and you haven't been spending ALL YOUR TIME THERE?! Flea, I'm disappointed. I mean, you have very valid reasons and all that. But CATS! And kitties? Ahhh.

 

Also, well done for booking flights (and knowing yourself well enough to text your room mate lol) and yay go pamper yourself at lush! 

It's expensive and also a bitch to get to from my house. :/ and we know I never leave my house anyway. I've only been talking about it for like a year lol. 

 

Haha thanks. Taking my wins where I can get them I suppose

[Owlet]

There needs to be a delivery service with this cat cafe. America always seems to be ahead of us on this sort of thing, don't disappoint me now 'murica.

[fleaball]

Just now, Owlet said:

There needs to be a delivery service with this cat cafe. America always seems to be ahead of us on this sort of thing, don't disappoint me now 'murica.

We stole the idea from Japan, I think. This particular one is also extra dumb bc pay $18 just to go in for an hour and sit with cats, and if you want coffee/food you actually have to order it at the very beginning and they run down the street to an actual cafe to bring it back for everyone. So much monies. But kitties. 

[Owlet]

Just now, fleaball said:

We stole the idea from Japan, I think. This particular one is also extra dumb bc pay $18 just to go in for an hour and sit with cats, and if you want coffee/food you actually have to order it at the very beginning and they run down the street to an actual cafe to bring it back for everyone. So much monies. But kitties. 

That is not a cafe... that's just a room full of cats :/ Also that is expensive. Boo. Should still do it though, sometimes it's worth it to do something that's not worth it, if you know what i mean.

[fleaball]

Just now, Owlet said:

That is not a cafe... that's just a room full of cats :/ Also that is expensive. Boo. Should still do it though, sometimes it's worth it to do something that's not worth it, if you know what i mean.

Yeah it's been on the to do list forever. It's close-ish to Lush, so instead of buying girly things after work one day I might just wait for a weekend day and do both to give myself a reason to trek all the way out there. I'm half tempted to call up the animal shelter a mile from my house and ask if I can sit in their cat room but that might be weird. 

 

Gdi I want a fucking cat. I know they're expensive and it will make finding an affordable place here even harder but waaaaaaaaaah. T_T at least I'll get to see my parents' asshole cats when I go home.