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Pyralis

Pyralis starts attacking pull-ups

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I know I'm a bit late for the challenge but I'm considering this for quite a while now, I bet since 4th of June at least ;)

Got a bit of extra money and was thinking what to do with it. Usually I would just spend it "somehow", a little here, a little there, without me actually noticing where it actually goes or what I bought. 

 

Since this feels great but has the worst outcome (=nothing), I decided I would buy a pull-up tower instead. I considered buying a door pull-up bar, but they're not so cheap here either and I have to trust this thing. Also the tower comes with a few more possibilities to train on it (dips) and I decided to follow my intuition here and go with the tower. 

I'm still hesitating, though. Guess it comes from buying a huge thing that occupies space when I'm actually trying to get rid of stuff right now.

 

On the other hand, the idea of having this tower and being able to practice is like the coolest thought I've had in a whole while. It's the most motivating idea so far. Even though I worry of course that I'll never improve, I know this is bullshit. My biggest goal are muscle-ups. Currently I can't even do 1 pull-up, not even chin-up. I gave up seriously training for any of this years ago, thinking I would never manage anyway and have to accept that. It was a huge damper to my motivation, and maybe I was wrong. There's only one way to find out. 

 

I'm also a bit scared that I won't be able to get that heavy package to the 3rd floor -_- But even if I have to pull it up in a bedsheet, somehow I'll manage.

 

Right now I'm freeing up space by selling more furniture I don't need. I read the cleaning up book from Marie Kondo and recommend it so much. 

 

So, first step: Decide for and order a pull-up tower. There's a couple of other things I want to tackle but in another post.

 

Being realistic is nice, but where's the border to limiting beliefs? I was always aiming low. I tried to avoid things, mostly disappointment. I tried not to put too much work in stuff because failing when I have really tried is the worst. I don't think I've really tried anything for a whole while. Last year I lost 33 lbs though and got pretty fit. I did it for someone else, but I haven't gained back much, despite quitting exercise for a couple of months in 2016 and a fitness setback. I'm back at it for a while and it feels great, this time I'm doing it for only me. I'm tired of holding myself back, whenever I feel enthusiastic about something, this voice: Don't expect too much, this won't work anyway, be realistic...Only a few weeks ago I realized that with this kind of approach I water down my enthusiasm and extend everything unnecessarily. It looks like being reasonable but it's avoidance. Like pretending to get busy with some boring job so you don't have to move on to something more demanding or difficult. It's comfortable, that kind of alibi-work. And after a while you start settling with it and thinking you're being realistic and reasonable. That things really take so much time. It never struck me before that losing weight doesn't have to be a life goal, that one day you can be done with it. And that you can get fit and then keep yourself that way and get better. I was always complaining that I have the same old problems that I had 10 years ago already - because I keep them. At least I'm used to them. 

 

But now I want to move on.

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Welcome to the assassins. Better late than never, really. I think a pull-up tower is a fantastic idea. If our walls weren't already lined with bookshelves, I'd definitely get one. As it is, I've gotten an over-the door one, and it's amazing how much just having something there to practice on improves your limits. I've gone from barely being able to dead hang for 3 seconds to getting my chin level with the bar in just a couple months. 

 

First step to making changes is to acknowledge you want to change. A lot of people forget that there are more steps after that, though. Good on you for taking the next one! I look forward to hearing your progress.

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I had to google "dead hang", reminds me of how I went to a playground 2 or 3 years ago. Just on a walk with friends and a beer, and then I saw the monkey bars and tried to hang on them with only 1 arm. I don't know why I expected it to be easy, I also was a bit overweight probably, but I couldn't manage at all, lol. 

 

Yeah, I'm a bit slow with my progress and my steps. An ex-friend of mine had this interesting question: If you theoretically CAN do something (you have the physical ability) but you never do it, is it really that you CAN then? Or isn't the truth that you actually can't?

 

I've struggled with this gap for years. Always knew things are theoretically "that easy", so why can't I just do them? And then came up with a bunch of overwhelming plans. I struggle with accepting that I'm a bit slower and need time to let stuff sink in and develop. I don't want to be like this. I want to change like an explosion, fast, change my whole life tomorrow. But that's unrealistic, despite me and everyone else physically being able to do it. If our life really depended on it, like someone held a gun to our heads, we could do it. 

 

This acceptance and working with the reality and not my wishful thinking, and not thinking and talking bad about my silly little baby steps (see? I did it again) is the hardest for me right now. Staying realistic. 
 

 

So long story short, I finally ordered the tower, and I needed the 20 seconds of courage or however you want to call it (rather 20 seconds of unconsciousness), because I kept delaying it the whole week. Today I went up and still groggy from sleeping I just ordered it. 

 

There are other things, reasons to be proud of myself, and stuff I did. A few weeks ago I was in the state of deep depression and now I'm counting macros, working out regularly, I'm sore almost every day, and I'm working on my thesis, touching all the scary stuff I didn't dare to touch for months. It just seems never enough.

 

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I'll give another example of a success story that is a fail story at the same time and an epic mindfuck for me. 

 

Basically ALL MY LIFE (I'm 30 now) I wanted to take horseback riding lessons. When I was a child my parents didn't allow it for various reasons (too expensive despite we were never short on money, too dangerous, I think the main reason was that my mother simply had different plans with me and wanted me to follow HER dreams and take up HER interests instead. Whatever) and later I didn't manage to. I was shy and didn't want to ask for it. As a grownup it's a bit harder to find a course, most are for children, and when I finally found a student's course and got a job to earn money to afford it, I somehow fucked up and booked the wrong course. They couldn't change the booking, so I dropped out. That was 2011. I didn't try again.

 

So 2016 I decided would be the year I do this. For real. And despite some serious hesitating and pondering, I did book that course again, a huge amount of money for me, and months of weekly riding practice for beginners. Perfect. It requires me to get up at 6 in the morning, ride busses and trains and walk through a patch of forest for 2 hours until I get there at 9. It requires me to be on time, something I've struggled with for years. It requires me to adapt to a group of new people, something I usually avoid like the plague. 

 

And for f*cks sake, I go there. Every week if I have slept or not (and most times I haven't) and despite being anxious as hell about it and feeling like the biggest loser (not in a good way) and not wanting to ride trains full of people and make a fool out of myself during the lessons, I go there. Usually I would have dropped out weeks ago when I ran into the first obstacle. But I didn't.

 

The problem with the whole course is that its purpose doesn't seem to be to teach us how to ride but to prepare us for the following next step course I never intended to take and that starts right after it. Nobody of us knew that. For that next course you have to able to get your horse ready in 30 minutes and ride completely on your own in all 3 paces.

 

Experienced teachers told me that usually it requires 20 lessons only to learn how to properly sit on the horse. 

 

In the beginning we were 8 people. 1 dropped out immediately, another 1 after the second lesson of rising trot (the 3rd lesson in total) when she couldn't manage, and another 1 for the same reason after the sixth lesson. Of the 5 people that are still there, 2 already are experienced because they took lessons before. One even a whole year. The other 2 make mistakes but seem to be better than me. And then there's me, the course-failure.

 

The thing is that we do get instructions but they don't help much, so when I get home I look up this stuff on my own. I really want to improve and I am improving, just for some reason not as quick as the others. I didn't manage to get the rising trot right immediately. One lesson we sit on the horse and somebody walks it, the next lesson we suddenly have to ride on our own and then do the riding trot correctly. I just couldn't. I had no idea what to do, so thank God the teacher finally used the lunge line and let me practice like that and then I got it and since then it got only better. That was my 3rd lesson in total. Also one lesson lasts like 20 minutes. 

 

So the teacher would get angry and shout at me when I had no idea what to do to even make the horse trot, but also didn't tell me what to do. Just "make her trot", but not what to do with the legs. 

 

One of the people who are still left told me that I always seem listless and uneuphoric. Well, I am anxious about this whole thing, that might be the reason. Anxious and worried. I started to lose weight again (on purpose of course) and exercise again to be able to get better at riding, I really try and give my best and I am improving, but measured on the other people I am the worst.

 

Now 2 people share a horse and because we are 5, I am left alone with a horse and have to get it ready in the same time as the others, with the teacher repeatedly telling me to hurry up and that I am there now the 8th time and should be quicker, but before when I had partners, I often was the first who was ready, which of course went unnoticed. I also usually am there 20 minutes before the lesson starts, last time I was 5 minutes late, 2 others were even later, and the teacher acted like I was the one always late and ruining it for the others.

 

Last time everybody was allowed to gallop on the lunge line with instructions but I wasn't. I got an unannounced surprise gallop when everybody was watching. When I asked the teacher what was the purpose of that she said she was surprised it went so well, which means she expected me to probably fall down, which she obviously didn't give a f*ck about when she made the horse gallop without warning. I didn't even have the stirrups down that moment, she had me remove them before. 

 

Since she only shouts complaints at me during lesson, I doubt she suddenly thought I was competent enough to handle the gallop well. Too bad for her it was super fun actually, lol, and I enjoyed it. It felt like flying, even though I was in too much surprise to even realize the first second that the horse was galloping. 

 

What bugs me so much is that last time was my 6th time on a horse back AT ALL (the first time we didn't ride, and one day I didn't go) and I definitely made progress. I managed the rising trot so far, I go there every week and on time, despite the long way and my anxiety. I accepted to be the group loser and fail over and over again and make a fool out of myself while the others watch, while others dropped out because they couldn't handle it, and despite having trouble handle the frustration of failure myself. I feel much safer on the horse back now, compared to my first lesson. I can ride hands free, no problem, and I am sore after the lessons, which means I am learning something. I also got better and better with preparing the horse and memorizing all the leather parts and what goes where and how to make the knots and all that stuff.

 

And still I am the group fool. I feel like the others wish I wouldn't show up as well so they wouldn't have to bother with me. I feel like I'm slowing the group down. But also I think it's unfair what's happening since I am trying my best, it's a freaking beginner course, I am improving and I can feel it, it's just that they don't notice and don't care. 

 

When I go home after the lesson I feel this weird mixture of pride, because it was such a struggle for me to even go there, after a night of no sleep and the anxiety, and because I dealt with the horse all alone (I love animals but the horses are a bit bitchy sometimes ;)) and I know I made progress, the rising trot became easier (it's a bit like driving, suddenly you're doing things on autopilot and can enjoy looking out of the window), also the riding is fun for me, despite the presure, and the feeling of being a total loser who is a drag for the whole group and makes nothing but mistakes.

 

Actually I'm even glad for every mistake I made because the teacher pointed it out and I memorized it to never make it again. Nobody knows how much I brood over all of this. I know that my effort to improve and keep everything in mind and not repeat mistakes goes unnoticed. I know it goes unnoticed how much I try to be better and how much I want to improve. For them I am that apathetic, bored seeming resting bitchface that slows the group down. Well, fine. I'll keep going there until the last lesson because I already paid a huge amount of money for this and I will keep bothering them with my existence and all my mistakes. Ha!

 

After this is over I will find a better teacher and never book a course there again. 

 

But this huge gap of being a disappointment for the teacher and a big success for myself, this is what creeps me out. My common sense tells me that I am not even that bad and slow, but being treated as that every week bugs me. 

 

This is something I hear all my life, btw. I seem bored and like I don't care. I think it is something I have no control over, so I gave up worrying about it, but it's hard when everybody starts treating me like I don't care and it simply isn't true. 

 

 

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Wow, lots going on there. Sounds like you got a crap teacher, really. A good teacher should want you to succeed, not try to break you down. Good on you for not giving up despite unfair treatment!

 

Couple things I'd like to offer my 2 cents on, if you don't mind:

 

8 hours ago, Pyralis said:

I don't want to be like this. I want to change like an explosion, fast, change my whole life tomorrow. But that's unrealistic, despite me and everyone else physically being able to do it.

 

I disagree with this. I would argue that lightning fast changes that really stick are super rare, and usually involve (as you said) life-threatening ordeals. If you go read any NF blog post, you'll see all the success stories involve small, slow, gradual changes that become habits over time. Then go read the recent posts about how many "Biggest Loser" participants stay healthy after 1 year. Don't beat yourself up for unrealistic standards.

 

8 hours ago, Pyralis said:

So long story short, I finally ordered the tower, and I needed the 20 seconds of courage or however you want to call it (rather 20 seconds of unconsciousness), because I kept delaying it the whole week. Today I went up and still groggy from sleeping I just ordered it.

 

Woo hoo! Congrats! You'll have to let us know how it is!

 

8 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Of the 5 people that are still there, 2 already are experienced because they took lessons before. One even a whole year. The other 2 make mistakes but seem to be better than me. And then there's me, the course-failure.

 

What do you mean by "better than me"? Faster? Better form? Fewer mistakes? You're comparing yourself to people who have more experience and fewer obstacles (negative feedback from the teacher, easier time getting to lessons, etc), and discounting your own tenacity for sticking with it where others give up. Just saying.

 

8 hours ago, Pyralis said:

And still I am the group fool. I feel like the others wish I wouldn't show up as well so they wouldn't have to bother with me. I feel like I'm slowing the group down.

 

As someone who tends to pick things up very quickly in classes, let me let you in on a little secret: people like you make people like me learn better. I can whiz through something super fast and pick up enough to pass a test and sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I won't remember it well and I won't have understood it thoroughly. By "having" to slow down, go back over things, and (if they're decent people) help others who learn more slowly, fast learners will actually get more out of a lesson. Moreover, I'd bet good money that at least one of the other students is really grateful that you "slow things down," because you're asking questions or going back over things they're too scared to ask about. 

 

Just something to consider. :) 

 

tumblr_m6peaqab8q1qge8q4o1_500.jpg

 

/end soapbox, sorry!

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Oh man, you got the worst teacher! 

17 hours ago, Pyralis said:

After this is over I will find a better teacher and never book a course there again. 

Good! And make sure none of your friends go there either, what a nightmare! 

 

Baking up a bit, I think it is amazing that even though you were discouraged as a child (grrr) and had that set back with booking the wrong course, and it's so expensive and takes so long to get there.... you still went ahead with doing the course! That kind of perseverance will give you far greater benefits in the end than if it was all just easy. I know that is little comfort when you're going through hard times, but at some point you'll realise how much more resilient and determined you are because you proved to yourself you can do this! So congratulations :)

 

As for feeling like you're making slow progress, I can tell you you're not at all! I was very lucky to be allowed horse riding lessons when I was a child right up to mid-teenage years, and it took me years to master rising trot, canter, no stirrups, and small jumps. And I still fell off now and then, and got nervous about jumping and never really mastered galloping. But none of that mattered, I still had so much fun! The fact that you're already doing so much (surprise gallop with no stirrups?!) after only 6 times on a horse is incredible! It makes me very sad to hear that your teacher is essentially bullying you and the other students don't seem to be supporting you. Finding a good teacher is so important - especially with horse riding since they can't really show you what to do or correct your position, it's just you going off their spoken word. Even if this teacher wasn't mean to you, I'd say get a new one because 'make her trot' is most definitely not teaching. That's like a painting tutor saying make it look good and then walking off. Ugh I wish I was there to give this teacher a piece of my mind! 

 

17 hours ago, Pyralis said:

When I go home after the lesson I feel this weird mixture of pride, because it was such a struggle for me to even go there, after a night of no sleep and the anxiety, and because I dealt with the horse all alone (I love animals but the horses are a bit bitchy sometimes ;)) and I know I made progress, the rising trot became easier (it's a bit like driving, suddenly you're doing things on autopilot and can enjoy looking out of the window), also the riding is fun for me, despite the presure, and the feeling of being a total loser who is a drag for the whole group and makes nothing but mistakes.

 

Actually I'm even glad for every mistake I made because the teacher pointed it out and I memorized it to never make it again. Nobody knows how much I brood over all of this. I know that my effort to improve and keep everything in mind and not repeat mistakes goes unnoticed. I know it goes unnoticed how much I try to be better and how much I want to improve. For them I am that apathetic, bored seeming resting bitchface that slows the group down. Well, fine. I'll keep going there until the last lesson because I already paid a huge amount of money for this and I will keep bothering them with my existence and all my mistakes. Ha!

And you should be proud! Anxiety is such an obstacle even in fairly normal situations, let alone something like this that would make a normally confident person uncomfortable. But the price of not battling through the anxiety is never getting to do the fun things in life. And that is such a great attitude towards mistakes, and absolutely true! People who have to work a bit harder at learning something often get a much more solid grounding in it and even do better in the end than others because they have so much determination. Resting bitchface is a thing unfortunately. I've had multiple bosses accuse me of not caring about my job based on my facial expression (which made me cry because of course I cared) It sounds like your face is almost a disguise though for how much you are learning and how much effort you are putting in, lulling them into a false sense of security until it's too late and they realise they completely misjudged you haha, I kind of like that! 

 

To sum up: YAY horse riding! I'm always so happy when I hear of someone else who likes it, and mega bonus points for picking up something you always dreamed of doing but couldn't for whatever reason. Also, BUUU to that teacher, please don't take her treatment of you as indication of your skill or learning capabilities. And finally, well done for sticking with it to get your money's worth and learn as much as you can while the course lasts. If you have any riding questions do please message me and I'll do my best to answer :) 

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Thank you so much for reading and answering this long piece I wrote. It means a lot to me that I could tell someone about it. Sometimes when I ride the train to the course I look at all the people around me and then think about this forum and wonder if there are any rebels on the train with me and even though I don't really know any of you, I feel like I'm part of something. It is quite uplifting to know that there is this rebellion, determined to make their dreams happen.

 

And I wanted to state that I'm doing something. I'm also working on my thesis, and nutrition, and exercise, but it's all very slow. 

 

Sorry, this is very long, but you don't need to read everything. I wanted to answer your questions though. Next entries will be shorter.

 

Quote

I disagree with this. I would argue that lightning fast changes that really stick are super rare, and usually involve (as you said) life-threatening ordeals. If you go read any NF blog post, you'll see all the success stories involve small, slow, gradual changes that become habits over time. Then go read the recent posts about how many "Biggest Loser" participants stay healthy after 1 year. Don't beat yourself up for unrealistic standards.

 

Yes, you're right. It's just sometimes hard to grasp for me because I'm physically able to do things and then can't make myself do them. Almost all my life I have been surprised how low the requirements actually are for most things. It was like: Whaaat? I don't have to jump through a bunch of burning hoops while fighting killer sharks with knives and at the same time meditate deeply about the meaning of life while balancing a burning candle on my head and all of this in a straightjacket? I can just work for an hour and then take a break? Really?? That counts? And people actually think I've done something then? And I will really get results? From basically nothing?

 

I read the Biggest Loser posts now and I agree on this. I also read "The Compound Effect" by Darren Hardy, stating how little things and habits just add up over time and can get you where you want or far off course. It's one of the reasons why I got back to exercise and eating better - I thought if I can get a little bit fatter and out of breath every week, I can also get a little bet fitter and more in shape every week. I am working on acknowledging the little changes, and doing the baby steps, despite them seeming meaningless sometimes. I know they really add up. 

 

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What do you mean by "better than me"? Faster? Better form? Fewer mistakes? You're comparing yourself to people who have more experience and fewer obstacles (negative feedback from the teacher, easier time getting to lessons, etc), and discounting your own tenacity for sticking with it where others give up. Just saying.

 

I think I actually make fewer mistakes than one of them, especially when it comes to preparing the horse, but they just grasped the rising trot quicker. There was a girl besides me who couldn't either but she dropped out. 

 

It seems I need that one moment where something sinks in, where I grasp something, and that happened later on the lunge line. The same it was when I learned skiing. I was the worst of the group because I simply didn't trust the skis and didn't know how to exactly stand and balance myself out, and I was scared and kept falling because I was leaning backwards (and also embarassed). Then the teacher basically forced me to come up with the group to the top of the hill (I wanted to refuse first), took my hands, she was skiing backwards, I was skiing forwards, and she showed me what exactly to do. There I finally understood I have to bend over a bit and then have full control of the speed and if I move or not. After that I didn't fall a single time again the whole week and had so much fun. (Actually when I think about it it was the same with learning how to swim as well)

 

So during the 3rd lesson the teacher told us that she has to give us a stamp if we pass this course or not to book the next course. I had no idea this was a goal and the others didn't seem to know as well. The teacher basically judged our skills after the 3rd time on the horse at all (besides the 2 people who had lessons before). Since then she keeps saying sometimes to those 2 that she will give them a stamp, to one other girl that she will give it to her if she really convinces her during this hour (I wonder when the convincing is actually finished, then, since she said it several times now) and then she looks at me and just raises her brows and goes away. LOL. She's not exactly being an ass to me, I just hate when she tells one of the guys: "You have to understand this now if you want the stamp, it's one thing that Pyralis can't do it yet, but you should be able to"

 

And then I wonder what exactly makes those guys so much better than me at all, if they make mistakes all the time as well. It just seems to be the overall posture of me that bothers her and the fact I have trouble "steering" the horse. Last lesson I was doing things right the others didn't, but as I said, it went unnoticed. Guess it doesn't count when I "sit like on a western pony". I have no idea what that means. And now I think I won't learn too much since she mostly ignores me now anyway and instead focuses on the people who will rather get the stamp for the next course. 


 

Quote

 

As someone who tends to pick things up very quickly in classes, let me let you in on a little secret: people like you make people like me learn better. I can whiz through something super fast and pick up enough to pass a test and sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I won't remember it well and I won't have understood it thoroughly. By "having" to slow down, go back over things, and (if they're decent people) help others who learn more slowly, fast learners will actually get more out of a lesson. Moreover, I'd bet good money that at least one of the other students is really grateful that you "slow things down," because you're asking questions or going back over things they're too scared to ask about. 

 

 

 

 

Wanna hear something funny? Usually I'm not a slow learner when it comes to "head stuff" (that's how I passed my study courses so far), but I'm some kind of "body legasthenic" ;) And it bothers me to no ends. I also can't dance, and I'm extremely unconfident and awkward with this. I got this dance program for fun (CIZE) and there's no intuition involved for me whatsoever. I have to stand in front of a mirror and very slowly figure this out step by step where and how to move my hip, and I could never do it when somebody watches. This kind of awkwardness plays a role now, and because I usually avoid sports with others, I am not used to being so bad at something, especially not when I try very hard. 

But thanks for your insight, I think you're right - the others still make "silly" mistakes as well. 

 

Quote

Baking up a bit, I think it is amazing that even though you were discouraged as a child (grrr) and had that set back with booking the wrong course, and it's so expensive and takes so long to get there.... you still went ahead with doing the course! That kind of perseverance will give you far greater benefits in the end than if it was all just easy. I know that is little comfort when you're going through hard times, but at some point you'll realise how much more resilient and determined you are because you proved to yourself you can do this! So congratulations :)

 

Thank you! I agree!

 

Quote

As for feeling like you're making slow progress, I can tell you you're not at all! I was very lucky to be allowed horse riding lessons when I was a child right up to mid-teenage years, and it took me years to master rising trot, canter, no stirrups, and small jumps. And I still fell off now and then, and got nervous about jumping and never really mastered galloping. But none of that mattered, I still had so much fun! The fact that you're already doing so much (surprise gallop with no stirrups?!) after only 6 times on a horse is incredible! It makes me very sad to hear that your teacher is essentially bullying you and the other students don't seem to be supporting you. Finding a good teacher is so important - especially with horse riding since they can't really show you what to do or correct your position, it's just you going off their spoken word. Even if this teacher wasn't mean to you, I'd say get a new one because 'make her trot' is most definitely not teaching. That's like a painting tutor saying make it look good and then walking off. Ugh I wish I was there to give this teacher a piece of my mind! 

 

Yeah I'm surprised when she comes with new stuff all the time when I feel that nobody has really grasped the things from before because it's simply impossible to fully grasp something after 2 rounds of doing it. I'm a person who would rather practice something until it's good, but maybe the teacher feels pressured to entertain us or something, or the people who already have experience. And I think it's unfair that someone who had over a year practice now measures how the course goes. I'm not a fan of doing a little of everything but nothing right, and it just seems to be common sense to me that some things take time to learn them, not to speak of mastering them. I wonder if this teacher really thinks: "Yes, this girl now has mastered the riding trot" after this little time. If so, she can't be serious. But maybe because she learned it since she was a child, for her it always was easy and she can't imagine that it would take longer, especially when you're a grownup?

 

I always wanted to learn good riding, good posture, the subtle stuff, not violently kicking and pulling, and nobody has explained to me yet what to exactly do with my legs, so for now I'm basically kicking the horse with the side of my feet when I want it to move faster, and sometimes it only moves faster then because the horse in front of me does, and when it comes to going in a circle it often ignores me anyway.. I don't know why I am supposed to learn dressage stuff and hold a crop all the time either when I still have trouble holding the reins right (I'm struggling with the right length and they keep slipping), but this is how we have to do it. I was hoping the whole course would be much slower and more intuitive and more about human-horse-cooperation, this is the stuff that interests me, I'd also like to ride without saddle just to get a feeling for it. I admire natural horsemanship so much, I'd love to learn something like this. For example, I also don't like how we often treat the horse as a tool, I'd like to learn more about the behavior and how to approach it right.

 


 

Quote

 

Resting bitchface is a thing unfortunately. I've had multiple bosses accuse me of not caring about my job based on my facial expression (which made me cry because of course I cared) It sounds like your face is almost a disguise though for how much you are learning and how much effort you are putting in, lulling them into a false sense of security until it's too late and they realise they completely misjudged you haha, I kind of like that! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May I ask how you deal with it now? I find it very discouraging to hear this kind of thing again and again.

 

On the other hand: GUILTY! Yes, I do that. Unconsciously. Consciously I try to act like that friendly, open-minded person (which I am not necessarily NOT but I know I don't seem like it), but unconsciously I try to seem not too engaged sometimes. Well, I think I try to put on a chill attitude, and I like my chill attitude. I like not being overly serious about things, like not making a drama. But what does it help if inside the drama is boiling anyway? ;) I'm a bit inconsistent here, but I seriously do not know how to seem different. I go there, I'm on time, I do the stuff, I do whatever they tell me, I try. If my posture on the horse is a reason to get upset with me, or the fact I ask stuff...well fine. I try to change it but can't expect miracles. 

 

Thanks for reassuring me I can be proud of this, because actually I really am :D And as I said, common sense is telling me anyway you can't expect too much after 6 times 20 minutes of riding, oh please. 

 

Also thanks for your help offer!

 

I'm still looking forward these times though, because I like the walk there, and I love the horses, and as I said, the gallop was so much fun, can't wait to do it again.

 

 

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12 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Thanks for reassuring me I can be proud of this, because actually I really am :D And as I said, common sense is telling me anyway you can't expect too much after 6 times 20 minutes of riding, oh please. 

 

Yup, you nailed it! I think you have a lot of common sense, which is more than can be said of a lot of people. I know how hard it is to listen to (and trust) that little voice of common sense inside you when someone is being so rude and mean and basically telling you everything you do is wrong...but that voice inside of you is right on the money. I think you're exactly right in thinking that because she finds riding easy she can't imagine it might be harder for other people. Some people have no skill at putting themselves in someone else's shoes, which certainly doesn't make for a good teacher. If anyone should be ashamed it's her, for failing so miserably at her job as teacher. Reminds me of an art teacher I once had - a talented artist, but useless as a teacher. She would sit at the front of the class silently tapping away at her computer until you you had to show her what you were working on and she'd say it was good or bad, and nothing more. No 'how', or 'why', just yes or no. Even for students with a natural flair didn't actually improve, they just kept doing what they'd always done.

 

 

12 hours ago, Pyralis said:

I always wanted to learn good riding, good posture, the subtle stuff, not violently kicking and pulling, and nobody has explained to me yet what to exactly do with my legs, so for now I'm basically kicking the horse with the side of my feet when I want it to move faster, and sometimes it only moves faster then because the horse in front of me does, and when it comes to going in a circle it often ignores me anyway.. I don't know why I am supposed to learn dressage stuff and hold a crop all the time either when I still have trouble holding the reins right (I'm struggling with the right length and they keep slipping), but this is how we have to do it. I was hoping the whole course would be much slower and more intuitive and more about human-horse-cooperation, this is the stuff that interests me, I'd also like to ride without saddle just to get a feeling for it. I admire natural horsemanship so much, I'd love to learn something like this. For example, I also don't like how we often treat the horse as a tool, I'd like to learn more about the behavior and how to approach it right.

 

Awesome! I agree, horses are not a tool. You have to create a relationship otherwise you'll never get anywhere. Dressage is certainly not something to teach beginners and I'm surprised you're made to carry a crop. We sometimes used crops when I was a kid, but only as a last resort when a pony was being particularly stubborn. I've never really been taught much natural horsemanship - no one seemed to know about it round here until recently - but there are some great youtube videos on it. Warwick Schiller has a bunch of videos that are well worth checking out. He puts a lot of emphasis on ground work - getting the horse to respect you before you even try riding, so then everything else follows on naturally. I don't know how useful they will be to you in the course since it sounds like you don't have much freedom, but the general principles are really interesting and you might be able to apply some. Things like - it can take a second or two for the horse to register that you're asking it to do something. So maybe instead of asking it to move by kicking, you try squeezing with your calf muscles for a few seconds until it moves forward. A lot of it is about being consistent with your aids (instructions) too, so they know what it is you're asking. That said, riding school horses can get very bored and stop listening a lot of the time, and will just follow whatever the horse in front is doing. So don't feel like you're doing badly, there is so much to learn and it sounds like you don't get nearly long enough (20 minute lessons did you say? That would barely allow time to warm up and cool down?!)

 

 

12 hours ago, Pyralis said:

May I ask how you deal with it now? I find it very discouraging to hear this kind of thing again and again.

 

On the other hand: GUILTY! Yes, I do that. Unconsciously. Consciously I try to act like that friendly, open-minded person (which I am not necessarily NOT but I know I don't seem like it), but unconsciously I try to seem not too engaged sometimes. Well, I think I try to put on a chill attitude, and I like my chill attitude. I like not being overly serious about things, like not making a drama. But what does it help if inside the drama is boiling anyway? ;) I'm a bit inconsistent here, but I seriously do not know how to seem different. I go there, I'm on time, I do the stuff, I do whatever they tell me, I try. If my posture on the horse is a reason to get upset with me, or the fact I ask stuff...well fine. I try to change it but can't expect miracles. 

 

Well first of all, I quit both those jobs haha. Not lightly mind you, I am not a 'quitter' generally speaking. But I had got to a point where I didn't enjoy the jobs anymore and in hindsight wasn't overly suited to them anyway - both involved customer service and I hate that so much. I get so bored and then annoyed with customers, and I am not very good at hiding it haha. Plus I need a job that engages my brain and is a bit creative. So now I work in visual effects and only have to talk to people when I want to. And these days I have a few close friends who know better than to judge a book by it's cover so-to-speak. I've been told before that it takes a long time to really get below the surface with me, but apparently it's worth it? (I am not this open in real life, I find it very difficult)

 

In terms "how to seem different", don't bother. This teacher sounds a lot like a woman that bullied me in my last job and honestly, I think the best policy is to try and lay low and just try to get the most out of the course that you can until you can escape. Some people just like to bully and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, you just happened to be 'the chosen one'. I eventually talked to my manager about the woman bullying me (even that was terrifying) and she said 'there's always one, this time it happened to be you', as in this woman was a serial-bully and if I hadn't been there she would've found someone else to pick on. And I spent so long trying to work out what it was about me that attracted such negative attention, but in the end it doesn't matter. These people are just toxic and not worth a drop of your time or energy. Or if you're feeling particularly assertive, tell her to get lost and stop giving you a hard time over nothing. 

 

Start researching other places to go riding so you can have a more positive experience after this course ends! Are there any riding schools in your area that do weekly lessons? Round here you can just call up and join a group lesson or get a private lesson when it suits, we don't really have courses. This ended up being another long one oops haha!

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Hey!

 

Quote

Reminds me of an art teacher I once had - a talented artist, but useless as a teacher. She would sit at the front of the class silently tapping away at her computer until you you had to show her what you were working on and she'd say it was good or bad, and nothing more. No 'how', or 'why', just yes or no. Even for students with a natural flair didn't actually improve, they just kept doing what they'd always done.

 

Ugh! I know that so well, too. Almost all teachers I had in my life sucked. I know it's easy and seems lame to blame the teacher, but I have so much bad experience with teachers and their often almost hateful attitude. Especially art teachers. The first memory with an art teacher I have is her frowning upon a pic I drew and recommending not handing it in to a school contest because it wasn't good enough. In the end I handed it in anyway and it was the best pic of the school (and the only one chosen) and the third best pic county-wide. I've yet to meet an art teacher who is very skilled, open about it, and in general positive. Most of them never showed what they did, and never gave good advice, and if so, it was never technical advice but mostly opinion-based "good" or "bad", as you described it, depending on wheter they liked a piece or not. In one course I got a C on a pic and threw it away, another student took it from the trash, put her name on it and handed it in a bit later and she got an A.

 

During my studies so many people lost interest in art, me too. The teacher was a tad better, or is better now, but back then she would take everything personally and just in general behave like an authority person that must never be questioned or she would get nasty. Also no explanations, only orders. Do this, do that. This is good, this is not. And why? Pfff. Because I say so! Her feedback on me shifted, depending on my behavior, it was never about my art. Today I've made my art my secret that I will never share again with anyone if I don't feel comfortable about it. I had to make it this way or I would have given up drawing or painting completely.

 

How did you cope with it? For me it was very hard sometimes because when I was younger I believed so much of the shit they said about me and my skills. It's a pity because often they do have interesting views and it's not easy to not decline all of what they say because of them.

 

Quote

 Things like - it can take a second or two for the horse to register that you're asking it to do something. So maybe instead of asking it to move by kicking, you try squeezing with your calf muscles for a few seconds until it moves forward. A lot of it is about being consistent with your aids (instructions) too, so they know what it is you're asking. 

 

Thanks, I'll try that this Friday. It's not so easy for me to tell if the horse doesn't get it or if it just ignores me.

 

Those horsemanship videos are probably not very helpful right now but stuff like this keeps my spirit up. 

 

This is probably not a good example, but one of my favorite videos that brightens my mood so much is this:

 

 

Quote

. So now I work in visual effects and only have to talk to people when I want to. And these days I have a few close friends who know better than to judge a book by it's cover so-to-speak. I've been told before that it takes a long time to really get below the surface with me, but apparently it's worth it? (I am not this open in real life, I find it very difficult)

 

I bet it's worth it! Also, by the way, your avatar is awesome!

 

But what is "below the surface"? 

 

I don't really have trouble talking about personal stuff, being open or laughing/joking about myself, but there must be something about me that is repulsive (besides the cynism), and I think it is some layer that shines through, a layer of disdain and anger. While I do not really despise people themselves, I fear the judgement and my good nature ("hey, let's just get along and I'll always give you the benefit of the doubt and try to avoid arguments because I hate to engage in this") to be mistaken for being an idiot. The interaction with them often is very unpleasant for me and I'm on constant watch. Usually don't find funny what they do and say (so I just pretend to and am actually impatient or worried about seeming and feeling like an alien), and often I'm very bored by them. Often I simply don't have anything to say. It's really a matter of wavelength for me I guess, some people just work out with me but most don't.

 

Sometimes I'd like to be that harsh loner like Sherlock who just speaks his mind and who nobody fucks with. Not rude but straightforward.


 

Quote

 

 I think the best policy is to try and lay low and just try to get the most out of the course that you can until you can escape.

 

 

Exactly my decision!

 

Quote

and she said 'there's always one, this time it happened to be you', as in this woman was a serial-bully and if I hadn't been there she would've found someone else to pick on. And I spent so long trying to work out what it was about me that attracted such negative attention, but in the end it doesn't matter. These people are just toxic and not worth a drop of your time or energy. Or if you're feeling particularly assertive, tell her to get lost and stop giving you a hard time over nothing.

 

I agree on this, but only partially. In your case this woman is a serial-bully and yes, I do think the fault always lies with the one who bullies, not their victim. 

 

But when you get a certain feedback all your life, like: "You seem not interested and very bored", or that you have this annoyed or hateful expression, then I think it is something related to you (I'm speaking in general here, not about YOU) that you can decide to deal with. Or not. If you even can.

 

During my studies I was often attacked by others, not directly but indirectly, for not seeming enthusiastic and not being happy about being there.

 

I wasn't enthusiastic, and I wasn't happy to be there. I hated going there. I hated every second of it. I was unhappy in general. I hated the people there putting on their hype-show and riding the hype-train. So actually I was just being authentic about this people zoo that my course was. But I felt at fault. Oh no, I am not being enthusiastic and hyped, my life obviously sucks, also I don't have a nice hipster hat and hate the idea of partying with them after school. Crap, something must be seriously wrong with me. 

 

Maybe because what I study is what I always wanted to study. I really felt like a leper. Only a month ago I was being honest with myself and admitted that I hate my future of working in this kind of job and I don't want to deal with this kind of people, and that I also don't want to live in this city, no matter how prestigious it seems and how much FUN FUN FUN you can have here. It's not the kind of life I want to live and I wonder what I was thinking to seriously try to bait me with this all these years. And then being surprised I am not motivated about anything.

 

People tell me when I speak about things I really care for that my face lights up and I seem super enthusiastic, so I just assume everything is still fine with me, I just need to focus on these things more and I'll be good. I'm tired of putting on a show and trying to convince people how much I enjoy a thing. I thought about talking to that riding teacher and telling her how much I want this, but hell no. It's not her job to judge my enthusiasm or motivation and I don't have to prove anything to her or anyone, and as I said, if going there and trying is not enough proof, then it's not my problem.

 

Quote

Start researching other places to go riding so you can have a more positive experience after this course ends! Are there any riding schools in your area that do weekly lessons?

 

Yes, I've already found a place that looks promising and seems to have a good teacher.

 

Quote

Well first of all, I quit both those jobs haha. Not lightly mind you, I am not a 'quitter' generally speaking. But I had got to a point where I didn't enjoy the jobs anymore and in hindsight wasn't overly suited to them anyway -

 

Kudos to you. I firmly believe in this: 

 

aYcxxhl.jpg

 

Who is going to judge it, anyway? We are the ones having to live our lives every single day. How it might look to others is so unimportant measured on daily unhappiness. It's so common to feel obligated to bite yourself through shitty situations and jobs and it might be useful if it gets you anywhere in the long run but if not, away with it. Always. Make space for something better. Usually works out. So often people stay in bad situations because they think who leaves, loses. They rather endure years of bullshit than just leaving. I know it's not easy to leave sometimes and it might seem like giving up but oh the feeling of liberation and freedom after it! Glad to hear that you are happy with your job now!

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I'm at work now so can't reply properly but I agree so much with all this^^! Hope you're having a great day. Just quickly, what country are you in? Just curious. And what are you studying? Its never too late to change, especially in this day and age :) 

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Gonna list my goals now, what I'm up to and what I want to improve, and this time in list form :)

 

I thought about picking a theme, but I simply don't want to dedicate time to find the right pics and all, it would cost me hours, so simple has to do.

 

 

Thesis goals

 

- Finish whole level interior until Tuesday, 28th. This includes modeling, making textures, importing, creating materials, and lighting. (unrealistic)

- Write a draft of the whole story ★ 

- Implement Game Design

- Illustrate it (storyboard/chart/whatever)

 

- Additional Horror Goal of the Month, almost worth 100 XP: Go to consultant and show him what I got, admit I procrastinated the fuck out of the thesis and ask for more time :apathy: ★ 

 

Reward: New pants

 

 

 

 

Fitness Goals

 

- Fetch my new pull-up tower, get it up in my apartment and put it together 

- Before that, buy tools ★ 

- Get a video/plan on how to learn pull-ups and start learning them  ★ 

 

- Exercise

 

  • 22nd - Insanity Core Cardio + Balance/Own weight training   (almost drowned in sweat)
  • 23rd - Elliptical/Dynamix ★ (I must avoid exercising 3 days in a row. Sore, loss of strength/endurance and sweat dripping)
  • 25th - Elliptical/Yoga X (too warm - 29°C inside)
  • 26th Elliptical/Yoga X 
  • 27th Insanity Upper Body Weight/Insanity Abs 
  • 29th The Warrior/Own weight training
  • 1th The Warrior  ★ 
  • 2nd Insanity Plyometric Cardio ★ 

 

- Continue to track (and meet) macros on

  •  22nd 
  •  23rd ★ 
  •  26th (Don't see the point today and went to get chocolate crossaint to escape thesis work for a while. Yes, crossaint, because it comes from saint)
  • 27th (Demotivated and don't want to bother)
  • 28th
  • 29th
  • 30th
  • 3rd
  • 4th
  • 5th
  • 6th
  • 7th

- Weigh myself on 30th and see if I met my expectations (~148 lbs, started with 158 this month, now at 151)  ★  - Nope, 154 lbs

- Take a picture - Why bother. Took measurements instead - got worse or stayed the same

- Adjust plan 

 

- Green smoothie on

 

  • 22nd ★ (I actually think hemp protein is tasty, makes the smoothies easier to bear)
  • 25th  (Didn't want to)
  • 26th 
  • 27th 
  • 29th  (Yuck)
  • 30th  ★ 
  • 1st  ★ 
  • 5th★ 
  • 6th★ 
  • 9th
  • 10th

 

Other goals

 

- Clean apartment

- Go to horse riding lesson on

 

  • 24th 
  • Write a complaint/review
  • Ask doctor to get certificate that I can't continue this to get my money back  (Already got a certificate for thesis, don't want to overdo it)
  • Contact uni

 

Leisure goals

 

- Draw for an hour

- Make some drafts for a new avatar to model

- Write for an hour ★ 

- Watch more Cumberbatch movies or start rewatching Sherlock :D  (Somehow I stopped caring)

- Order a banker's lamp (yes, I absolutely need that!)  (Ordered a fan instead)

- Read another novel ★ 

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On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

The first memory with an art teacher I have is her frowning upon a pic I drew and recommending not handing it in to a school contest because it wasn't good enough. In the end I handed it in anyway and it was the best pic of the school (and the only one chosen) and the third best pic county-wide. I've yet to meet an art teacher who is very skilled, open about it, and in general positive. Most of them never showed what they did, and never gave good advice, and if so, it was never technical advice but mostly opinion-based "good" or "bad", as you described it, depending on wheter they liked a piece or not. In one course I got a C on a pic and threw it away, another student took it from the trash, put her name on it and handed it in a bit later and she got an A.

:o:o:o This is so shocking! I'm sorry you had to experience such petty treatment, that really is a shame. I was lucky and at least got different ends of the spectrum when it came to art teachers. There was one I described above, who said little more than 'yes' or 'no' and put me off Graphic Design for good, and my painting teacher who was the polar opposite - warm and engaging, always encouraging students and was involved without ever dominating. I barely scraped a pass in Design but got awarded the top prize across all visual art subjects in the country for painting... go figure haha :P 

 

On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

Her feedback on me shifted, depending on my behavior, it was never about my art. Today I've made my art my secret that I will never share again with anyone if I don't feel comfortable about it. I had to make it this way or I would have given up drawing or painting completely.

That is terrible. Art is of course subjective to a degree, but it is really not hard to tell good from bad, especially when it is taken in the context of the student's body of work. It certainly shouldn't be judged according to the artist (unless it's performance art, obviously) ughhh so frustrating. I'm sad that now you don't feel you can share your art comfortably, I hope one day you will have enough good experiences to outweigh the bad and make you confident to share it freely again. The more art in the world the better, afterall :) 

 

On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

 

 

How did you cope with it? For me it was very hard sometimes because when I was younger I believed so much of the shit they said about me and my skills. It's a pity because often they do have interesting views and it's not easy to not decline all of what they say because of them.

It is very difficult. My tutor at university was extremely opinionated and brash and some of the things he said haunted me for far longer than they should've. Actually it was comments he made about me as a person that stuck, more than comments on my art (although some of them hurt too) and yeah it was hard because I respected him as an artist and even teacher to some extent. With time and distance though, and my own personal growth, I was able to appreciate the things he taught me but take the rest with a grain of salt and not place so much importance on the negative stuff. I don't know about you but my tendency is to believe everything bad anyone says to/about me. But over time I've been able to see more clearly what was valid and what was just their shit. My tutor was going through a divorce, looking after a 2 year old, in therapy and on meds, and I think a lot of the time he just came to work to blow off steam and stir people up for the hell of it. I've since learned that a lot of people had trouble with him but at the time it felt like it was just me and that there was something wrong with me. 

 

On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

 

I agree on this, but only partially. In your case this woman is a serial-bully and yes, I do think the fault always lies with the one who bullies, not their victim. 

 

But when you get a certain feedback all your life, like: "You seem not interested and very bored", or that you have this annoyed or hateful expression, then I think it is something related to you (I'm speaking in general here, not about YOU) that you can decide to deal with. Or not. If you even can.

Absolutely. Although for me it was kind of a recurring situation so I had to wonder if it was something about me too. I totally agree by the way. If you (again, speaking in general here) keep finding yourself in the same situation, getting the same feedback, then there is most likely something in your nature that is attracting these things. Not that it is your fault in any way - I think fault is almost irrelevant here in any case - but rather, certain aspects of your personality or choices you made set up causes which in turn create the effects that you end up experiencing. And you can either keep going through the motions, having the same fight with different people etc, and running away to start 'afresh', but unless you identify the pattern and address the underlying issue it will keep causing you pain. For me, it felt like every job I had, and even in university, I would start off great but at some point would develop a negative relationship with whoever was in charge. They would be overly critical of my work, which I couldn't really handle, and I would try harder to please them without ever causing a fuss or standing up for myself, but it would just get worse and worse. Everytime something went wrong, I would agonise over whether I had actually fucked up or if they were being unfair, in which case I was fucking up by not standing up for myself. And it happened many times over, until at last it got so extreme that I couldn't ignore it anymore and really had to dig deep to work out what was going on. Ultimately it came down to the fact that I had very low self confidence so I either attracted bullying behaviour or just took negative comments to heart more than my coworkers. That, and the fact that I didn't have enough faith in myself to be doing what I really wanted to do, so was working jobs that maybe weren't such a good fit. I have high expectations of myself so took it very hard every time it felt like I was failing. But now that I am doing something more suited to me it is easier and I do better anyway. Sorry I'm rambling here. 

 

Anyway, what I was trying to say is - if you keep hearing the same thing then sure, there is probably something in your behaviour that is attracting that response. That doesn't mean there's something 'bad' or  'wrong' about you though, it can even be the opposite if you know how to redirect it. It sounds like you have an idea of what's going on:

On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

During my studies I was often attacked by others, not directly but indirectly, for not seeming enthusiastic and not being happy about being there.

 

I wasn't enthusiastic, and I wasn't happy to be there. I hated going there. I hated every second of it. I was unhappy in general. I hated the people there putting on their hype-show and riding the hype-train.

 

On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

but there must be something about me that is repulsive (besides the cynism), and I think it is some layer that shines through, a layer of disdain and anger. While I do not really despise people themselves, I fear the judgement and my good nature ("hey, let's just get along and I'll always give you the benefit of the doubt and try to avoid arguments because I hate to engage in this") to be mistaken for being an idiot. The interaction with them often is very unpleasant for me and I'm on constant watch. Usually don't find funny what they do and say (so I just pretend to and am actually impatient or worried about seeming and feeling like an alien), and often I'm very bored by them. Often I simply don't have anything to say. It's really a matter of wavelength for me I guess, some people just work out with me but most don't.

Something about, because you're 'faking it' to a certain degree, you're not happy and people subconsciously pick up on that. Without meeting you it is very hard to say so I'm just going off what you've written, but it seems like you're surrounded by people you don't naturally get along well with, which makes you uncomfortable and maybe makes you withdraw a bit. To be honest it sounds like how I felt through most of school and with most strangers I meet even today. There are very few people I truly connect with, most people bore me, intimidate me, confuse me, annoy me, are just too different etc etc, and it can feel like you're all alone though. On the plus side though, once I've made a friend they're usually a keeper :) a while ago I was having a similar conversation with a friend, about how I just can't connect with most people and I feel like such a freak because I find it hard to talk to anyone but close friends. But she said she likes how quiet and mysterious I am, that it is more intriguing than someone who lays it all out for you to see. I guess there are friends out there for everyone eh ;) 

 

On 6/22/2016 at 7:04 AM, Pyralis said:

People tell me when I speak about things I really care for that my face lights up and I seem super enthusiastic, so I just assume everything is still fine with me, I just need to focus on these things more and I'll be good. I'm tired of putting on a show and trying to convince people how much I enjoy a thing. I thought about talking to that riding teacher and telling her how much I want this, but hell no. It's not her job to judge my enthusiasm or motivation and I don't have to prove anything to her or anyone, and as I said, if going there and trying is not enough proof, then it's not my problem.

Yes! I think ultimately this is the answer. I think if you start doing what you really want to do you will be so much happier and can be totally honest and authentic but because you'll be happy it will attract positive reactions from those around you. Well done for being honest with yourself about whether you still want to be doing what you always dreamed of doing, it takes courage to step away from long term goals like that but if they are more habit than dream it has to be done. I think too, once you're headed in the direction you want to be, you'll be surrounded by more like-minded people which will make everything easier too. Find what you're really good at or passionate about and work on that - there is no point beating yourself up trying to be good at something you don't enjoy and competing with those who have devoted their lives to it. You might do as good a job as them but what's the point if you're miserable. I do of course believe you should try and make the best of any situation, always try to create value, but never losing site of the bigger picture, striving for life to get better and to be better yourself. 

 

Sorry I feel like I talked about myself a lot - it's the only way I know how to explain things! Anyway it sounds like you know what is up, I just enjoy discussing this sort of thing. Great that you found another place to try out riding lessons! Good luck with friday's lesson, hope it isn't too painful. That video is amazing! I watched it so many times haha. Cool song too. I agree, the horsemanship videos aren't always hugely relevant to riding but they make you feel good :) Also, fuck yeah Sherlock/Cumberbatch! 

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 I barely scraped a pass in Design but got awarded the top prize across all visual art subjects in the country for painting... go figure haha

 

:D 

 

Do you know when you have this vision of something and you need to get it on paper, be it something you want to write or paint or a poster or whatever, it's crystal clear in your head, and then someone tries to talk you out of it? But you simply know they are not right about it and that their critique doesn't matter here? 

I sometimes had that and still do, and it's not even based on something legit, like "I read a bunch of professional literature and know my subject", but simply: "This needs to be like this, period". But because like this it's in your head and it's perfect this way and it has to be done like this no matter what. 

 

I think this kind of knowledge made me ignore my teachers and know they are just not right or their opinion simply irrelevant. I just remembered a small poster contest where I had this poster in my mind and was only focused on doing it, bringing it to life, and I didn't even listen to what my teacher said about it, lol. I only heard:

 

 

nodded and did it my way anyway and won a small price with it.

 

With my thesis it's the same. I simply know what look I am going for, I don't know why and where it comes from but I don't care if my consultant likes it or not because I know he simply doesn't share my vision. I'm not often so sure of things but when I am, I can ignore teachers no problem.

 

I also always hated when my teacher DARED to mark things in my essays that weren't mistakes, simply because she would have expressed it differently. I wrote it this way on purpose. It has to be this way. I don't care about how she would write it, at least not when she marks my sentence with red as if it was wrong. As if I wasn't allowed to have a certain voice or style of expression. Pfff. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate second opinions and critique and everything, but the way they express it sometimes really sucks and I'm glad I have this inner voice telling me that their opinion is irrelevant sometimes ;)

 

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The more art in the world the better, afterall

 

Haha, we could argue about that :D

 

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I don't know about you but my tendency is to believe everything bad anyone says to/about me. But over time I've been able to see more clearly what was valid and what was just their shit. My tutor was going through a divorce, looking after a 2 year old, in therapy and on meds, and I think a lot of the time he just came to work to blow off steam and stir people up for the hell of it. I've since learned that a lot of people had trouble with him but at the time it felt like it was just me and that there was something wrong with me. 

 

Yes, this! I've had teachers like this, too, with personal problems and also personally insulting and stirring up people, but somehow was lucky enough to discover it's their shit more than my fault, and that others suffer from it as well. The only pity about it often was that even when people came together to talk about this, nobody dared to do something about it, fearing about their grades and reputation. The teacher would oppress the whole class. 

 

It's hard sometimes to discover their influence. I found myself having nightmares and even showing signs of stockholm syndrome. I know it sounds weird, but until today I secretly wish in a corner of my mind those teachers would acknowledge my work and praise me just once. When they are friendly to me, I feel happy. I must be a good person, after all. Even though I don't even like them and I don't want to care and I'm actually angry that they ruined it for so many people. But they smiled at me today, today is a good day, the Gods have been merciful. Ugh. They somehow come very close to my parents I think, with their attitude, or maybe it's just normal that a mentor and authority person triggers such feelings in people. What they built around them really is like a cult, with favorite students and elitist behavior and all. It's terrible. I look forward the day I never have to go there again but I BET I will keep having nightmares for a while about them judging me and me trying to please them.

 

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 They would be overly critical of my work, which I couldn't really handle, and I would try harder to please them without ever causing a fuss or standing up for myself, but it would just get worse and worse. Everytime something went wrong, I would agonise over whether I had actually fucked up or if they were being unfair, in which case I was fucking up by not standing up for myself. And it happened many times over, until at last it got so extreme that I couldn't ignore it anymore and really had to dig deep to work out what was going on.

 

Reminds me of my very first work experience. I really worked my ASS OFF. And I only got harsh words, sarcasm, teasing, and in the end mobbing. I had no idea why and what I was doing wrong, and I was too shy to stand up for myself or cause a fuss. I liked the job, I was trying very hard to be a good coworker, I wanted to get along with the others and do everything right. They even acknowledged I was doing much more than I had to, but instead of praise or saying "thank you", they shook their heads upon it. 

 

Until today I am not sure what exactly was the problem, but it repeated in my second job (they were both just 1-year internships). In the first job I found out when we got a new fulltime coworker, an adult, that they treated her the same, and I bonded with her, and later she complained to the management and some of them got fired, but until then..in the second job this was the problem:

 

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I would start off great but at some point would develop a negative relationship with whoever was in charge.

 

Yeah, maybe I had low self confidence as well, maybe I still do, but is that really a reason to get fucked up? When I mentioned the good nature, yes, maybe I do fake things sometimes, maybe that sucks, but I am not spiteful in general, I always just want to get along with people, do good work and be acknowledged. For some reason this doesn't seem to matter at all and it's disturbing to get undeserved shit.

 

Also when I read your text, what I had to think of is the lack of counterweight. Harsh words and critique everywhere, but hardly support or a person who ever praised the work we did. I think if I had ever had someone standing with me and saying nice things about my work, it wouldn't have been so hard. But oh well. Obviously being introverted and a bit shy is enough for some people to pick on others, that's not new at all. 

 

It's hard when you're the only one with a bit of common sense and seeing through what is happening, but nobody is on your side and everybody tells you YOU are the problem. 

 

When it comes to this, I think I'm lucky that I still have my anger. It sometimes lights the way.

 

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Something about, because you're 'faking it' to a certain degree, you're not happy and people subconsciously pick up on that.

 

Yeah I additionally hate this behavior of mine because it feels like ass kissing to me and never gets rewarded. I don't like to fake it, people don't appreciate it either and punish me with ignorance, why do I even do it? I think I should stop. At least I wouldn't do something I despise then. Won't make them like me anyway. 


 

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, but it seems like you're surrounded by people you don't naturally get along well with, which makes you uncomfortable and maybe makes you withdraw a bit. To be honest it sounds like how I felt through most of school and with most strangers I meet even today. 

 

 

 

 

Yes, this. But this also angers me. Seems a lot does :D Why can't we just get along? I mean, what's the damn problem. It must be possible for 2 adults to just talk without constantly feeling uncomfortable, it's not like I want to talk about bizarre sex kinks, why can't they just take the stick out of their behind? I'm so tired of being looked at like I am this disgusting, weird insect (haha and at the same time I look at them this way, too). No really, I really really wish we could drop our facades, I mean we're all just humans, why does it have to be so difficult? I expect them to stop with their distrust, yet I don't trust them.

 

I should stop thinking we're alike and that they just want to get along well with people. Maybe they don't give a damn. It's one of my biggest mistakes to assume others think the way I do. And then I get disappointed when I find out that they don't care about being nice or being fair or just me in general. Would save me lots of disappointment if I just stopped the ass kissing (=faking) and started caring less.

 

 

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On the plus side though, once I've made a friend they're usually a keeper

 

This WOULD be true but I discovered recently that they would keep me, but I would not keep them. Because here too I tolerate way too much and let them overstep my boundaries all the time while I'm still being nice. I stopped this only a while ago and ended it with many people who were taking me being nice for granted and additionally kicked me in the back for it. I was sick and tired of being the doormat for them. So the "wavelength" we connected at was partially this kind of behavior, and also a certain victimhood on both sides. 

 

I was quite surprised when I took these things (mindset of being a victim, mindset of being a lazy gamer etc) out of the equation, that there was no wavelength left :D  

 

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I guess there are friends out there for everyone eh

 

 

Yes, I do believe in this, but even if not. Being with toxic people, being toxic myself, it's not the solution and I must be someone I can appreciate. Decided to work on the relationship with myself first before I focus on friends and a partner.

 

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there is no point beating yourself up trying to be good at something you don't enjoy and competing with those who have devoted their lives to it. You might do as good a job as them but what's the point if you're miserable. I do of course believe you should try and make the best of any situation, always try to create value, but never losing site of the bigger picture, striving for life to get better and to be better yourself. 

 

Yeah, learned very early on that I can only lose this struggle :D But it's not as easy, you know? Because I tend to avoid all kind of stuff and so I don't even know if I would like it or not. Should I take the easy road then and just keep avoiding it or bother with it for a while? For example, I don't really enjoy 3D modeling, I have to force myself to do it, and I also don't enjoy messing with a game engine. But part of this is because I'm simply not good at it yet. I also didn't enjoy workout much when I started. Maybe I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to and could stay fit and in shape without. Or maybe I would just do different things instead I can't do right now, that are way more fun for me, like swimming for example. 

 

So long story short, I don't know where I am just running away and taking an easy way out, and where I am sincere and honest and just discard things I don't want to do. I am pretty sure I don't want to become a professional 3d modeller. Just no way. It wasn't as clear with the drawing though and sometimes I still wonder if I could have become a professional artist (or still become one) if I had not had so much trouble with myself and my life and my urge to withdraw and hide somewhere. This urge is very strong, until today I want to live in peace and quiet in a cabin in the woods and to be left alone. I don't know if I should follow this inner voice or if it's just avoidance.

 

BECAUSE, whenever I tackle the stuff I think I hate, it IS kind of rewarding, and when I have to deal with people and situations I am afraid of, I do feel like I am developing more than by just hiding in my room, and also hiding somewhere is so boring... I am really two-faced when it comes to this. Sometimes I even think I am actually an extrovert, and as child I could be the life of a party and lead a group of people, and the next second lock them out of my room and play on my own. I don't know what I want, but I don't have to figure it all out right now and will just focus on the small goals and next steps.

 

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Sorry I feel like I talked about myself a lot - it's the only way I know how to explain things! Anyway it sounds like you know what is up, I just enjoy discussing this sort of thing. 

 No need to apologize, it's normal, and I enjoy discussing this stuff as well :) Always love hearing insights and how other people deal with these kind of problems, and it seems we have a few experiences in common. Thanks for sharing!

 

 

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fuck yeah Sherlock/Cumberbatch! 

 

I was like: Who's that Benedict Cumberbatch anyway? I need to check if the hype is real.

Watched Sherlock, heard his voice, saw the glances...eh..ehm..okay, guess I am a member of the club now *takes a cookie* 

I'm not a real fan but it brightens my day, lol. 

 

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13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Do you know when you have this vision of something and you need to get it on paper, be it something you want to write or paint or a poster or whatever, it's crystal clear in your head, and then someone tries to talk you out of it? But you simply know they are not right about it and that their critique doesn't matter here? 

Not really, I wish I did! I think it is a really good thing that you have a strong personal voice and know what you want to do. It's so hard to make art true to yourself and stand out from the crowd, but with a such a clear vision in your mind it sounds like you might find it easy! 

 

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

I know it sounds weird, but until today I secretly wish in a corner of my mind those teachers would acknowledge my work and praise me just once. When they are friendly to me, I feel happy. I must be a good person, after all. Even though I don't even like them and I don't want to care and I'm actually angry that they ruined it for so many people. But they smiled at me today, today is a good day, the Gods have been merciful.

Not weird at all, I think it is very common for us humans to feel that way unfortunately. Same as how a friend can be hurt you time and time again but you still just want them to like you. 

 

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Reminds me of my very first work experience. I really worked my ASS OFF. And I only got harsh words, sarcasm, teasing, and in the end mobbing. I had no idea why and what I was doing wrong, and I was too shy to stand up for myself or cause a fuss. I liked the job, I was trying very hard to be a good coworker, I wanted to get along with the others and do everything right. They even acknowledged I was doing much more than I had to, but instead of praise or saying "thank you", they shook their heads upon it. 

 

Until today I am not sure what exactly was the problem, but it repeated in my second job (they were both just 1-year internships). In the first job I found out when we got a new fulltime coworker, an adult, that they treated her the same,

That is sad :( I have never been in a situation where it feels like me against everyone else, just whoever my supervisor is. It always bothers me in TV sitcoms like brooklyn 99 or Parks & Recreation etc where there is a character that everyone else makes fun of and they are resigned to just accept that and even join in laughing at themselves. I just don't find a joke funny if it's at the expense of someone else. I guess it's just mob-mentality. People are so scared of being at the bottom of the pecking-order that they pick on someone else to ensure they are safe. Lame.

 

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Also when I read your text, what I had to think of is the lack of counterweight. Harsh words and critique everywhere, but hardly support or a person who ever praised the work we did. I think if I had ever had someone standing with me and saying nice things about my work, it wouldn't have been so hard. But oh well. Obviously being introverted and a bit shy is enough for some people to pick on others, that's not new at all. 

I think I did always have support to be fair, from friends and family. And it was comforting, for sure, although sometimes I convinced myself they were just biased and of course they were on my side because they were hearing the story from my point of view. But still, it was good to have sympathetic people to boost me up now and then. I'm sorry if you don't/didn't have that support, it is not easy to be alone. 

 

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

When it comes to this, I think I'm lucky that I still have my anger. It sometimes lights the way.

Haha yup. Anger gets a bad rap but if you can learn to channel it in a positive way it is a strength and motivator to do great things!

 

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:
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Something about, because you're 'faking it' to a certain degree, you're not happy and people subconsciously pick up on that.

 

Yeah I additionally hate this behavior of mine because it feels like ass kissing to me and never gets rewarded. I don't like to fake it, people don't appreciate it either and punish me with ignorance, why do I even do it? I think I should stop. At least I wouldn't do something I despise then. Won't make them like me anyway. 

I mean, I think everyone fakes it a bit, at least sometimes, just to get by. Like if I see someone I kind of know and they ask how I am, I tell them I'm ok regardless of how my day's going. Just because it is easier than getting into a deep conversation about everything that's going on, which they probably aren't interested in and won't make me feel any better anyway, maybe even worse. Whereas if I pretend to be in a good mood, we might have a fun conversation, and I walk away actually feeling better. Not always of course, but I figure it's worth a try. 

 

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Why can't we just get along? I mean, what's the damn problem. It must be possible for 2 adults to just talk without constantly feeling uncomfortable, it's not like I want to talk about bizarre sex kinks

Hahaha. Maybe you should try it, you might find it works ;)

13 hours ago, Pyralis said:

No really, I really really wish we could drop our facades, I mean we're all just humans, why does it have to be so difficult? I expect them to stop with their distrust, yet I don't trust them.

 

I should stop thinking we're alike and that they just want to get along well with people. Maybe they don't give a damn. It's one of my biggest mistakes to assume others think the way I do. And then I get disappointed when I find out that they don't care about being nice or being fair or just me in general. Would save me lots of disappointment if I just stopped the ass kissing (=faking) and started caring less.

Hmm... I guess my approach is that every human is quite unique so of course not all humans are compatible. I mean if they really want to be they can be but most don't bother since it is easier just to hang out with similar humans and not bother fostering friendships outside of their circle. Plus, I think most humans are a bit fucked up and weird and neurotic - everyone's got their shit they deal with, or don't deal with as the case may be. In general, I think people are attracted to positivity and ease. If they sense you are angry or distrustful or anxious or whatever, they might instinctively distance themselves. And from there, perhaps it is a small step to alienating you. I'm not really sure to be honest, I try to be nice to everyone I meet and would never intentionally hurt anyone. But if someone is uncomfortable it might make me uncomfortable and I will assume it is because I'm socially awkward that it's not working, which will make me not want to repeat the experience. I can imagine hurting someone unintentionally that way. From what you've said though it sounds a bit more intentional and nasty. 

 

Actually it kind of reminds me of a friend who was having trouble with people before she moved to my city. She felt like everyone was super flaky - they'd be super keen to hang out but always end up cancelling for various reasons. And nobody could handle her honesty - she can be quite opinionated and isn't afraid to say it like it is, which no-one could handle apparently. But then she moved down here and she said the people are so different - warmer and more open. (meanwhile, my boyfriend prefers it up there, says people here are too closed and pretentious. Perhaps it just depends on who you end up associating with) I'm not saying it's just to do with geography, it would be silly to think you can run away from a recurring issue so easily. But still, sometimes a person just doesn't fit in with the majority of those around them. Same with a friend who grew up in California and never felt like she fitted in. She's been here nearly 10 years now and can't imagine ever returning. 

 

14 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Yes, I do believe in this, but even if not. Being with toxic people, being toxic myself, it's not the solution and I must be someone I can appreciate. Decided to work on the relationship with myself first before I focus on friends and a partner.

Absolutely :) Everyone has limitless potential, so if you want to change things about yourself you totally can. Which is not to say there's anything wrong with you. Rather, you can become a better version of yourself, which will open up more opportunities and make life easier and more fun :) and I have found when you start addressing issues that have always held you back or caused pain, you will have all kinds of breakthroughs and good fortune. It isn't easy of course, to change parts of your personality that are so deeply ingrained. But the struggle is worth every second. 

 

14 hours ago, Pyralis said:

This WOULD be true but I discovered recently that they would keep me, but I would not keep them. Because here too I tolerate way too much and let them overstep my boundaries all the time while I'm still being nice. I stopped this only a while ago and ended it with many people who were taking me being nice for granted and additionally kicked me in the back for it. I was sick and tired of being the doormat for them. So the "wavelength" we connected at was partially this kind of behavior, and also a certain victimhood on both sides. 

Ah yes, that old game. Friendships have to be equal on both sides to work. I experienced this recently actually, and it was pretty stink. But we are better off without people that only stick around for the benefits without ever giving back. Good on you for recognising the trap and saying enough is enough! I know it doesn't seem like it but I'm sure that taking action like this will in some way set the ball rolling to attract more positive people into your life :) It is about self respect and knowing that you are not doing yourself, or them, any favours by staying around just to be a doormat. I bet you're glowing!

 

14 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Yeah, learned very early on that I can only lose this struggle :D But it's not as easy, you know? Because I tend to avoid all kind of stuff and so I don't even know if I would like it or not. Should I take the easy road then and just keep avoiding it or bother with it for a while? For example, I don't really enjoy 3D modeling, I have to force myself to do it, and I also don't enjoy messing with a game engine. But part of this is because I'm simply not good at it yet. I also didn't enjoy workout much when I started. Maybe I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to and could stay fit and in shape without. Or maybe I would just do different things instead I can't do right now, that are way more fun for me, like swimming for example. 

 

So long story short, I don't know where I am just running away and taking an easy way out, and where I am sincere and honest and just discard things I don't want to do.

Yeah it's really hard to know. I've always had this struggle between advice to 'follow your dream, do what comes naturally etc etc' versus 'live in the present, stop running away or chasing one dream after another instead of appreciating what you've got'. I'm still not really sure to be honest. But I think it's about trying new things, striving for those dreams and giving it your best shot. And if the dream turns out to be not what you want anymore, then you think long and hard about what you want to strive for next so you're never stagnant, you always have purpose. And in the meantime, still try to make the most of your current situation, to get as much out of it as you can. Every situation has something to teach you and will ultimately make you stronger/wiser/more compassionate etc to the point where you enjoy the struggle and enjoy the benefits that much more because of everything you've been through. ( I still find this so hard but I'm slowly getting better at treating life as an obstacle course rather than a battlefield)

 

14 hours ago, Pyralis said:

BECAUSE, whenever I tackle the stuff I think I hate, it IS kind of rewarding, and when I have to deal with people and situations I am afraid of, I do feel like I am developing more than by just hiding in my room, and also hiding somewhere is so boring... I am really two-faced when it comes to this. Sometimes I even think I am actually an extrovert, and as child I could be the life of a party and lead a group of people, and the next second lock them out of my room and play on my own. I don't know what I want, but I don't have to figure it all out right now and will just focus on the small goals and next steps.

Oh wait you already kind of said that haha. Oops. But yeah, I totally get this. Those times when it feels like everything is going to shit at once and there's too much for one person to deal with, hiding is such a tempting idea. But you always get through it and as you build up the minor victories it builds your belief that you can overcome anything life throws in your path. But for those times when you feel overwhelmed, go check out my favourite website :D http://cabinporn.com/ pages and pages of beautiful cabins!

 

Hope the challenge goals are going well! 

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Owlet: Thanks for your long reply, I'll get back to that!

 

Just coming from the riding lesson. I won't go there anymore. It's clearly bullying what she's doing and I think she does it on purpose so they have 4 people left and can each use one horse. I think she did that with the gallop on purpose too last week. 

 

Today we were riding outside on a paddock. Of course I was alone but got the horse ready alone, the horses were quite nervous because of flies and .. dunno. Branches waving in the wind. The horse kicked me while I tried to clean the hooves, I'm so tired of this bullshit. It didn't hurt much and it basically only slammed it's leg in my side but I hate that I have to deal with this crap alone all the time. It's just the cherry on top of the shit pie. The horse absolutely does not want. Always the same. I won't miss that.

 

The guy behind me had trouble getting the horse under control so somehow I ended up as the first one in line. Managed to get the circles right and everything during walking pace, was enjoying it so far since it worked quite well and she even complimented me once, uuhhhh, but then the rising trot, and the yelling started. Go faster, don't fall asleep, change your seat, change it again, blabla, take the crop in the other hand, don't look there, blabla. I was overwhelmed with it all, and then she gave me shit for going in the wrong direction because I confused something she said. It's simply too much for me to keep in mind, so I asked if I could go in second place and not first.

 

That pissed her off so much that she yelled that what I do can't be called riding (well duh) and my posture sucks and I seem listless. And if I don't get on top now I can leave. So I tried to make the horse go on top but it simply wanted to stand behind the other horse and I couldn't manage. She watched, but didn't help at all. I mean, she's not helping in general. She mimics my posture and yells sarcastic remarks how my posture sucks and how I look, but I don't really know what to do differently. So it ended up with everybody watching how I desperately tried to maneuver the horse, and then she kinda lost it and said it's too much responsibility for her, if the horse bucks I will fall down and she can't take this (haha but last week during the gallop this didn't matter to her at all) and I have to get down the horse now and leave.

 

So I left. She even sent someone after me to make sure I do everything right with the horse. How often have I removed the saddle and stuff and taken care of the horse afterwards all alone because I was alone ALL THE DAMN TIME, but maybe she was expecting me to create some revenge mess. I don't know. The girl who helped me asked me if I'm okay and that she would be angry in my place, but I didn't talk much because I was close to crying, lol. 

 

She also said I should come back next week and not let the teacher scare me away. but I simply don't see a point in that. "Your posture sucks" is not helping me, and telling me I am listless because I am still struggling as a beginner in a beginner's course is not helping me, either. I won't go there again to clean and saddle the horse and then get sent away, I can use the 4 hours travelling for better things than having an idiot make a fool out of me. She clearly has no tolerance for beginners or beginner's mistakes and as I said, I think she did this on purpose.

 

I asked one of the guys today how it was in the previous course (he has taken a course before this there) and he said of 8 people 3 were left in the end. Don't tell me this is normal. These courses cost a lot of money and you can't get it back. I think it's a system and done on purpose. I also think I will write a rating because before I booked this course I really wished for that, and warn other beginners that if they are absolute beginners and can't get everything right after the second lesson, they will get a bunch of shit.

 

I know instead I should go there and probably confront her, but why should I basically beg her to teach me? I already think she's an asshole, so to hell with the 100 bucks for the last 4 times. I'd almost pay them to not have to go there anymore.

 

Dunno what to say. I sit as straight as I can and constantly push my heels down and try to have a good posture but again I see her mimicking me and yelling how I suck. If she doesn't understand that a beginner doesn't make mistakes on purpose to annoy her, and if she can' get over disliking someone, then there's no helping it. 

 

Haha, but when I came home I dragged that huge bitch of a pull-up tower up the stairs. I literally had to drag it, every single step. Visited a DIY market on the way back, but my dad visits soon, I asked him to bring tools since they're quite expensive. 

 

Haven't slept last night and my stomach hurts all morning, gonna have some spaghetti and then sleep and then go back to working on my thesis. I actually start liking my thesis. It's developing momentum and becomes comfortable. 

 

Nice day to everyone reading this. I'm done!

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3 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Just coming from the riding lesson. I won't go there anymore. It's clearly bullying what she's doing and I think she does it on purpose so they have 4 people left and can each use one horse. I think she did that with the gallop on purpose too last week. 

 

Haha, but when I came home I dragged that huge bitch of a pull-up tower up the stairs. I literally had to drag it, every single step. Visited a DIY market on the way back, but my dad visits soon, I asked him to bring tools since they're quite expensive. 

 

 

From the sounds of everything, this sounds like it was a good idea.... 

It took a lot of courage and stick-to-itivness to get as far as you did and that was a HUGE deal. But that kind of bullying and negativity isn't teaching you anything and is just toxic. You don't deserve that. At all. I really hope you can find another place to take lessons. Do you have any options lined up?

 

And props on getting that tower up the stairs!!! YASS

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OMG please write a scathing review online. There is totally no need for you to go back since you don't want her to teach you anymore anyway. The only reason it would be worth going back is to tell her she's monster haha. But that probably still wouldn't end well, better just to warn other people. 

 

As for posture... I rode every week when I was a kid for about 8 or 9 years, and occasionally go to lessons now, and I still get a lot of feedback on how to improve my posture. It's an ongoing process, there's no way you would have perfect posture as a complete beginner, so don't let her make you think you're a bad rider or slow learner or whatever! Definitely a bully. 

 

But yay pull-up tower! That is awesome :D 

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Same as how a friend can be hurt you time and time again but you still just want them to like you. 

True but if it happens too often I bite and pull the plug anyway. They're considered friend for a reason. Do you keep up with this?

 

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 It always bothers me in TV sitcoms like brooklyn 99 or Parks & Recreation etc where there is a character that everyone else makes fun of and they are resigned to just accept that and even join in laughing at themselves. I just don't find a joke funny if it's at the expense of someone else. I guess it's just mob-mentality. People are so scared of being at the bottom of the pecking-order that they pick on someone else to ensure they are safe. Lame.

Who is it in Parks & Recreation? Haven't watched that enough I think, even though it has one of the best scenes of TV history.

 

 

 

It IS super lame and I'm glad you have the same opinion on this. Wish more people were not so afraid to stick out and be on their own.

 

 

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although sometimes I convinced myself they were just biased and of course they were on my side because they were hearing the story from my point of view.

 

Yeah but that does not really matter, does it? When a friend or my brother tells me how they were treated unfairly I know they're telling their point of view and they might be at fault, too, but we're there and they are here to have our backs, right? No matter what happened. That doesn't mean justifying or defending bad behavior, just not dropping them when things get rough. I have no problem  telling people that I don't agree on what they did, but that doesn't mean I will immediately despise them as person. 

 

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I mean, I think everyone fakes it a bit, at least sometimes, just to get by. Like if I see someone I kind of know and they ask how I am, I tell them I'm ok regardless of how my day's going.

 

Yeah sure, that's not what I meant with the ass kissing. I meant being always overly thoughtful and trying to be nice and get out of people's way and stuff. When I go shopping I always try not to push others with my backpack and not stand in their way and all this stuff, and OF COURSE someone hits me with their fucking cart, and OF COURSE I SMILE AT THEM FOR THIS ARGH. And inside I shoot them. Instead of those 2 extremes I should just tell them to stop it.

 

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Hahaha. Maybe you should try it, you might find it works 

 

*Cough* Well, during my field studies I noticed people don't appreciate when someone is too open at all.

 

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 I mean if they really want to be they can be but most don't bother since it is easier just to hang out with similar humans and not bother fostering friendships outside of their circle.

 

Oh yeah I always forget the general laziness of everyone, including me of course.

 

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In general, I think people are attracted to positivity and ease. If they sense you are angry or distrustful or anxious or whatever, they might instinctively distance themselves. And from there, perhaps it is a small step to alienating you.

 

You are very right, and when I read it like this, it all seems so simple and understandable suddenly. Maybe I expect too much from people as well. My ex bf said when he had an introvert or shy seeming person in class he would usually approach them anyway for a while and see if they would thaw. Often I was lucky, too, that someone would approach me this way, and when that happens, it's like inside I can sigh with relief and freely engage in conversation then. Usually guys do this though. I think this is a reason why I was often good friends with the guys at the end of the year/course/whatever. 

 

Quote

 But still, sometimes a person just doesn't fit in with the majority of those around them. Same with a friend who grew up in California and never felt like she fitted in. She's been here nearly 10 years now and can't imagine ever returning. 

 

I do agree on this. Often people also move to a location with a certain reputation because they think it fits, and then it's harder and harder to find people who are different. This town attracts party people and shallow folks, insults and cat calling on almost a daily basis, either concerning me or I witness it, and in general there's this outgoing mentality, short living fun, all this kind of shit. I never felt much at home here, to be honest. When I moved here I already loathed it. I will never forget the moment in car with my dad, we were passing the borders of the city and I gulped and he somehow noticed and said: Wait, one day when we pass this point you will say: I'm at home!

 

I still go back to this city and gulp. 

 

Can't help it. The closest I've come is tolerating it. When I go back and gulp but think: Okay this is not THAT bad, I can endure this. 

 

But it's hard to tell what exactly it is. It just feels like it is full of reckless idiots :/ A party town.

 

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and I have found when you start addressing issues that have always held you back or caused pain, you will have all kinds of breakthroughs and good fortune.

 

Agree on this. It's almost like a miracle sometimes. Like "Did that now really happen? This CAN'T be a coincidence!"

I don't know it with silent, inner work though. Like when I sit in my kitchen and just write and try to figure out stuff, I can do this for days and nothing happens. These good fortune occasions usually happen when I do something outgoing and reach out to people for whatever reason. 

 

Would you like to tell me about one of those occasions happening to you? If you  remember one? I'd enjoy hearing it.

 

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It is about self respect and knowing that you are not doing yourself, or them, any favours by staying around just to be a doormat. I bet you're glowing!

 

Gotta say, as sad as it sounds, that the decision of ending friendships or relationships usually felt like the most right decisions I've ever made. There was hardly any doubt about them. The ex friends don't necessarily agree though. One was clearly abusive and never changed and he still contacts me for stupid reasons and tries to bait me into answering him. Wish he would forget me already. In general they often contact me again after a while which I then usually ignore or decline suggestions to meet.

One of my ex bfs never showed much interest in me, we had 2 talks about it, then I broke up for good. He never spoke his mind, but oh when he tried the comeback 3 months later, he was so rude suddenly and even tried to blackmail me into meeting him. He never showed that much emotion or effort during the whole relationship.

 

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 But I think it's about trying new things, striving for those dreams and giving it your best shot. And if the dream turns out to be not what you want anymore, then you think long and hard about what you want to strive for next so you're never stagnant, you always have purpose. And in the meantime, still try to make the most of your current situation, to get as much out of it as you can. Every situation has something to teach you and will ultimately make you stronger/wiser/more compassionate etc to the point where you enjoy the struggle and enjoy the benefits that much more because of everything you've been through. ( I still find this so hard but I'm slowly getting better at treating life as an obstacle course rather than a battlefield)

 

That sounds great and you have said that very well! I especially love the parts like "create value", "giving it your best shot" and "make the most out of your current situation"

 

Sometimes I have this feeling that life is a puzzle and you get the right parts, you just need to pay attention. Like, sometimes I am amazed how good it ..intertwines? 

I go somewhere and have a talk with a friend and he tells me something I for some reason never forget and I can use exactly this information 2 years later. 

 

Often when I dig into areas of my studies I would consider a waste, right there and then I learn exactly what I need later. Or maybe I learn so little that  I just need everything of it later, who knows, but what I'm saying is that having engaged in something almost always pays off because even that little knowledge later often is of huge help for a more important thing. 

 

I'm almost always thankful later to have engaged in something that looked pointless first. And I'm thankful that if I engage, I usually don't do so half-heartedly. I learn and keep things in mind. Often years later I learn that I have exactly the right puzzle pieces to fit something together. 

 

Hey, I love cabinporn! 

 

Reminds me of those country tumblrs, also enjoy some of those :D 

 

 

 

 

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On 25.6.2016 at 1:45 AM, Owlet said:

OMG please write a scathing review online. There is totally no need for you to go back since you don't want her to teach you anymore anyway. The only reason it would be worth going back is to tell her she's monster haha. But that probably still wouldn't end well, better just to warn other people. 

 

As for posture... I rode every week when I was a kid for about 8 or 9 years, and occasionally go to lessons now, and I still get a lot of feedback on how to improve my posture. It's an ongoing process, there's no way you would have perfect posture as a complete beginner, so don't let her make you think you're a bad rider or slow learner or whatever! Definitely a bully. 

 

But yay pull-up tower! That is awesome :D 

 

The posture thing, I know my posture is not great. But it pains me when she says I am listless because I can't manage to get it right. I swear I am trying to sit straight ALL THE TIME but I simply can't help if it isn't good because I don't even know what's so bad about it. I don't sit straight, even if I sit straight? I don't get it.

 

There's a reason beginners usually get on the lunge line - because they can't watch their posture and take care of everything else.

 

She wants too much at once. Also some things I don't understand in general, like having my hands very forward to hold the reins, more than it feels comfortable, but having my shoulders back? How am I supposed to do that? I can't extend my arms AND have my shoulders back. Or can I? How?

 

bad-posture-types.jpg

 

 

2XwCBnq.gif

Good_3351b0_5380459.gif

Good_0a144d_5380459.gif

 

 

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From the sounds of everything, this sounds like it was a good idea.... 

It took a lot of courage and stick-to-itivness to get as far as you did and that was a HUGE deal. But that kind of bullying and negativity isn't teaching you anything and is just toxic. You don't deserve that. At all. I really hope you can find another place to take lessons. Do you have any options lined up?

 

And props on getting that tower up the stairs!!! YASS

 

 

Nobody does! 

 

I got a place recommended, a one week course to learn the basics, for adults, it costs 800, but oh well. I don't have that money right now but it's a nice goal. 

 

What I read about it so far sounded great. 

 

Today I will finally install this tower. Will meet with my dad for sushi and he'll hand over the tools. 

 

With the exercise and all, it's weird. I am making progress and I am sore often. My overall condition is better, but I don't lose weight the way I intended.

 

It's sooooo sloooooooow. I calculated everything the right way and on the days I don't count macros I don't go completely apeshit on food. Where I would have bought a whole package of chocolate bars, today I buy max 2 and that's it. I mean, bars. Not packages. Maybe I have a chocolate croissant in the morning. And a pizza later. Normal pizza, not a gigantic wheel.

 

Oh well. Everything is going very slow right now. Also the thesis progress.

 

A bit more than a month ago it was unthinkable for me to even get started. I was avoiding it like the plague, really, and feeling so super bad about it, until I finally went to that counseling and got help. I did some tutorials, I set up my project, and now I am making stuff. Huge progress. It starts to look like something. And still it's simply slow. The borders of the comfort zone expand in a way that is hardly noticable.

 

Now it's normal for me to open those programs and make something. Deal with the shit. Not even with ALL of the shit, there are still areas I am avoiding, areas I should tackle immediately. 

 

It's soothing somehow because it means there is not much pain in my memory. Starting with it was pain, and working still is painful. Especially when I get bugs I can't explain and nothing is working and my concentration flickering because I am trying to fix my sleep rhythm as well.

 

It's just all very ... well. Like wading through knee-deep mud. Cumbersome. I wish it was Cumberbatch instead *ducks* 

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I gotta go to the doc now and ask for a certification to get more time for the thesis and ... argh. I don't have an appointment and I really hope the mean dragon of a nurse is not there that hisses and growls at people when she's in a bad mood, which she is mostly, and that they agree to write me that certification. Wish me luck D:

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22 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

There's a reason beginners usually get on the lunge line - because they can't watch their posture and take care of everything else.

 

She wants too much at once. Also some things I don't understand in general, like having my hands very forward to hold the reins, more than it feels comfortable, but having my shoulders back? How am I supposed to do that? I can't extend my arms AND have my shoulders back. Or can I? How?

Yeah lunge line would be perfect, or a whole lot of mirrors like in the gym haha. Or filming yourself could work, but only useful after the lesson. I agree, she was asking for too much at once. If it makes you feel any better my physio strapped my back to force me into having better posture lol.

 

I struggle with hands forward and shoulders back too! I always have my shoulders too high as well, just a weird habit I have from being tense. I usually just try moving different parts of my body until the instructor says it's better. Often doesn't feel natural at all though. A video would actually be really handy now that I think about it.

 

Haha that posture gif is awesome (and a little terrifying!) 

 

22 hours ago, Pyralis said:

With the exercise and all, it's weird. I am making progress and I am sore often. My overall condition is better, but I don't lose weight the way I intended.

 

It's sooooo sloooooooow. I calculated everything the right way and on the days I don't count macros I don't go completely apeshit on food. Where I would have bought a whole package of chocolate bars, today I buy max 2 and that's it. I mean, bars. Not packages. Maybe I have a chocolate croissant in the morning. And a pizza later. Normal pizza, not a gigantic wheel.

It's an exercise in patience sometimes ;) no but really, it's small changes over a long period of time that make for permanent, healthy change. It's easier to improve your lifestyle if you do it gradually, that way you don't get overwhelmed and give up. And if they are small enough changes, hopefully it isn't too painful. But I understand wanting to speed up the process. Keep reminding yourself of all the good things your doing, and counting the small victories :) 

 

22 hours ago, Pyralis said:

The borders of the comfort zone expand in a way that is hardly noticable.

It's true! I struggled with this a lot, it felt like I was trying so hard but making no progress. Until at last I was able to look back and see that I had come a long way after all. It can be hard to see progress when you're in the middle of it, but looking back you will see it :) 

 

22 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

A bit more than a month ago it was unthinkable for me to even get started. I was avoiding it like the plague, really, and feeling so super bad about it, until I finally went to that counseling and got help. I did some tutorials, I set up my project, and now I am making stuff. Huge progress. It starts to look like something.

That's great though! Even if it feels slow, it is something. And taking those first steps to do something you're scared of is often the hardest. The longer you keep at it, the more momentum you'll get and soon you'll be churning through the work. 

 

22 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

It's just all very ... well. Like wading through knee-deep mud. Cumbersome. I wish it was Cumberbatch instead *ducks* 

Hahaha. Don't we all! Keep at it, you can do it :)

 

 

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Sorry this might be another long one... no pressure to reciprocate! I'm just having fun writing down my thoughts.

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:
Quote

Same as how a friend can be hurt you time and time again but you still just want them to like you. 

True but if it happens too often I bite and pull the plug anyway. They're considered friend for a reason. Do you keep up with this?

Yeah mostly. I don't normally have this problem since if someone doesn't actively want to hang out with me then I'm not interested either. Although recently I was let down one too many times by someone I thought was a close friend, so I decided some distance would be good. Sucks, but sometimes you just have to. 

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

Yeah but that does not really matter, does it? When a friend or my brother tells me how they were treated unfairly I know they're telling their point of view and they might be at fault, too, but we're there and they are here to have our backs, right? No matter what happened. That doesn't mean justifying or defending bad behavior, just not dropping them when things get rough. I have no problem  telling people that I don't agree on what they did, but that doesn't mean I will immediately despise them as person.

True! I have a stupid tendency to try and evaluate everything in my mind, to see if I'm to blame for something and in what way. I am increasingly moving away from blame/fault and more towards cause and effect - often two people will butt heads just because of who they are and certain aspects of their personalities clash. But even that - although it helps me to rationalise and accept situations - is not always healthy and can easily turn into an obsession. I remember when I saw a therapist she said I don't have to justify my feelings to anyone, they are part of my experience and there's no need to try and justify them. And you're totally right, when someone close to you is going through a hard time you support them, even when you don't agree with everything they do/say. For some reason I always think I have to be perfect, yet I never expect the same of others. Thanks for the reminder :)

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

Yeah sure, that's not what I meant with the ass kissing. I meant being always overly thoughtful and trying to be nice and get out of people's way and stuff. When I go shopping I always try not to push others with my backpack and not stand in their way and all this stuff, and OF COURSE someone hits me with their fucking cart, and OF COURSE I SMILE AT THEM FOR THIS ARGH. And inside I shoot them. Instead of those 2 extremes I should just tell them to stop it.

Haha oh no, supermarkets are the worst though! I too get very angry when shopping and scowl furiously at everyone, little old ladies included, I'm sorry to say. It's like road rage but on a smaller scale. Have you seen Louie C K's skit on road rage? So great. Also you remind me of my Mum, her response to road rage is to smile sweetly. She says it is more disarming than rude gestures haha. I also have urges to hurt people if I have to do anything before my morning coffee... :P 

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

*Cough* Well, during my field studies I noticed people don't appreciate when someone is too open at all.

lolol

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

You are very right, and when I read it like this, it all seems so simple and understandable suddenly. Maybe I expect too much from people as well. My ex bf said when he had an introvert or shy seeming person in class he would usually approach them anyway for a while and see if they would thaw. Often I was lucky, too, that someone would approach me this way, and when that happens, it's like inside I can sigh with relief and freely engage in conversation then. Usually guys do this though. I think this is a reason why I was often good friends with the guys at the end of the year/course/whatever. 

That is so sweet he made an effort to engage the shy ones :) I would love to be more like this... maybe once it would help me get over my own shyness. I usually make friends when I am in forced contact with a person and I naturally get along with them. I don't just make friends at bus stops or whatever lol. 

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

I still go back to this city and gulp. 

Can't help it. The closest I've come is tolerating it. When I go back and gulp but think: Okay this is not THAT bad, I can endure this. 

You can! At least until you don't have to anymore and can escape somewhere nicer. It sounds like that classic big city thing - everyone is too self-important and too busy satisfying their desires to care for anyone around them. People make fun of small towns but there is something to be said for the sense of community and support they offer. Personally, I like the ones in between - not too big, not too small, just riiight :) 

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

Gotta say, as sad as it sounds, that the decision of ending friendships or relationships usually felt like the most right decisions I've ever made. There was hardly any doubt about them. The ex friends don't necessarily agree though. One was clearly abusive and never changed and he still contacts me for stupid reasons and tries to bait me into answering him. Wish he would forget me already. In general they often contact me again after a while which I then usually ignore or decline suggestions to meet.

One of my ex bfs never showed much interest in me, we had 2 talks about it, then I broke up for good. He never spoke his mind, but oh when he tried the comeback 3 months later, he was so rude suddenly and even tried to blackmail me into meeting him. He never showed that much emotion or effort during the whole relationship.

But that's not sad at all, it's really great that you recognised those relationships weren't healthy and decided to move on! Good on you for being strong enough to end them and not get drawn back in, despite their efforts. We can only hope they too learn to be self-aware and exercise a bit more compassion. 

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:
Quote

and I have found when you start addressing issues that have always held you back or caused pain, you will have all kinds of breakthroughs and good fortune.

Agree on this. It's almost like a miracle sometimes. Like "Did that now really happen? This CAN'T be a coincidence!"

I don't know it with silent, inner work though. Like when I sit in my kitchen and just write and try to figure out stuff, I can do this for days and nothing happens. These good fortune occasions usually happen when I do something outgoing and reach out to people for whatever reason. 

 

Would you like to tell me about one of those occasions happening to you? If you  remember one? I'd enjoy hearing it.

I think the periods of thinking and writing can be good for realising things about yourself, which can then inform what you go out and do. I know I find it hard to process emotions when I am in the middle of a situation. I have to go off and work out why I'm feeling a certain way (and what I'm even feeling) before I can decide if I want to act on that. At the same time, too much thinking doesn't get you anywhere (and can even make you feel worse. Dwelling on problems often doesn't bring enlightenment, only despair. Use wisely ;)) But you're right, I think good fortune generally happens when you take action, outside of yourself. When you take action, you create a cause, and you will soon feel the effect. 

 

A personal experience eh.. hm, will try to keep this short lol. A couple of years ago I was very depressed. High functioning, because I was too anxious not to turn up at work everyday, but still very depressed. It got worse and worse for months, until at last a friend convinced me I should see a therapist. Even then it got worse for a while, as she dredged up all sorts of pain. But gradually she helped me see that a lot of my issues came from not being able to talk openly with people. At the time, I was being bullied at work, my flatmate started seeing the guy I'd had a crush on for years (literally), I wasn't getting any support from my mum, and I'd barely talked to my Dad in years. Telling them how I felt seemed impossible. Very gradually though, one by one, I started opening up to them. And within a few months every one of those situations was resolved and some were vastly improved. The final hurdle was contacting my Dad, which coincided with a very stressful overseas trip. By the end of the trip though (10 days) I was having the most amazing conversations with Dad and also finally got my confidence back after surviving the trip. Since then I still have ups and downs, but I keep striving to push myself and things keep working out. So yes, it was by reaching outside of myself that good things started to happen. It is useful to consider things in your mind, but until you take action, nothing much will change. 

 

23 hours ago, Pyralis said:

 

Sometimes I have this feeling that life is a puzzle and you get the right parts, you just need to pay attention. Like, sometimes I am amazed how good it ..intertwines? 

I go somewhere and have a talk with a friend and he tells me something I for some reason never forget and I can use exactly this information 2 years later. 

 

Totally! I often get this too, especially when I really don't feel like leaving the house. There is always useful information to be gained, sometimes the perfect piece of wisdom for your current situation. Always worth delving!

 

OK that's enough rambling from me. I'll stop distracting you now! 

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I got my certification :) Ugh, thank God I aimed for 4 weeks. Just checked the deadline, it's 2 weeks earlier than I expected -_- So I have like 5 weeks left. Meh, I'm so glad I went today and didn't delay it more, almost did that. The consultant cancelled today, so I would have waited for next week and then it would have been too late. 

 

Gotta make the best out of those 5 weeks, really. I also don't want to prolong it much more. In August I want to go home and have a little vacation, meet with my brother, my dad, go swimming, and just relax for a while without any thesis stress that is pressuring me for over a year already. So looking forward to this.

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