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Pyralis

Pyralis starts attacking pull-ups

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Ok how about we manage it like this: Since we both enjoy just writing down our thoughts we can do so whenever we want, but if one of us doesn't manage to reply for a while it's okay as well, and also if we only pick up parts of the posts. That's no pressure but still inviting to just write whenever we feel like it :) 

 

I'm fighting with that tower for the past 2 hours, just wow. Now I've finished it so far I think, only the pullup bar needs to be attached. I'm so ridiculous sometimes, try to tighten a bolt, slip and hit my hand on the tower, GRRRRRR, try to tighten it again, slip again, hit hand again on the tower, now another part of the hand, ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH hit the tower back with the tool, try to tighten the bolt a bit more, now just because, slip a third time and hit my hand another time LOL, feel like wanting to kick the tower over for hurting me, hit the tower harder with the tool, part of the tool detaches and flies through the whole room.

 

F*cking f*ck. But nothing is damaged. Soon I can hang from the bar like a bag of potatoes. 

 

Okay so...this thing feels safe. At least something. Wasn't trusting the welded parts fully but nothing is shaking and I can step on almost every part without feeling it will break or something. 

 

Now the terrible news: I can't EVEN HANG from this thing for 5 seconds. My palms/fingers hurt too much and I guess I simply don't have the strength yet. I tried hanging a bit and pulling myself up with the assistance of my legs on the support beams, which resulted in hurting arms already. 

 

This is very lame, but was to be expected. Now I guess I'll practice this every day and hope it gets better soon. Sometimes I think I am just too heavy to be able to do a pull up anyway, but I don't think that's the problem.

 

 

 

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Man, I'm so sore today :D It's incredible. I think it's partially from the upper body weight training, but a good part of it must also be from climbing around my new tower. 

 

But my scale is going apeshit. My weight during night went up to almost 158 again. I guess it's water weight, especially with such huge parts of the body being sore - basically my entire back, stomach, arms and legs (from weighted squats). I don't eat enough to gain this much fat, especially overnight. 

 

To be entirely honest, it pisses me the f*ck off. Seriously. I've always had the feeling that the more I exercise, the more weight I gain. It was always much easier for me to lose weight by just eating little and not exercise at all (and smoke). It sucks that the healthy way is so rocky.

 

But I'm letting counting my macros slip right now anyway. I'm not to sure of them either. 1750 calories a day, the exercise is already in there, and I'm hungry basically all day. I don't want to go much lower, but also not much higher. I'm trying to stay vegan (besides fish) as an experiment most of the time, legumes are not so easy to digest so I don't want to overload on them. Guess I need to eat more sweet potatoes and rice.

 

Also need to buy dark chocolate today, it seems I found the perfect solution with this, but I let it slip during the past days. When I know I can lie in bed in the evening, read a good book, watch something and have a piece of dark chocolate (that fits my macros), I don't feel as deprived during the day. Just need to muster all my motivation to keep going. Right now I really want to eat chocolate croissants and drink hot chocolate all day while I work on my thesis and listen to music.

 

My cravings usually just come up because I see people eating things, or people tell me about what they ate, and then I must have that, too. 

 

The second trigger is memories, equally annoying. 

 

Years ago when I worked as a gardener it was a very rainy summer. It's actually my favorite weather of summer, for some reason I LOVE it. When the skies are super dark and grey and it's not cold, but a bit foggy with twilight. 

 

But working outside then sure sucks and we were in the same garden for weeks. Near our location was a cookie factory and the smell would waft all over the city, it was weirdly soothing.

 

From that day on, on such a day I want to drink hot chocolate and eat chocolate pastry of any kind. 

 

Whatever. Some motivation for me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess I write these long posts to remind me later how it went, I like to read this later, it's not really addressed to anyone. 

 

I also found out why I love the idea of flying so much - it's the freedom. That's why those parkour videos are so amazing to me - I don't care much for the jumping and showing off, I love the climbing, and I have loved that feeling since I started playing video games. It means having more options, having control. My body feels like a burden to me often enough, like a heavy bag that is tied to my legs, I wish I could feel like every part of it is accessible. I don't know how to express that with words. I wish I could have the feeling that I can move it the way I want and there are no stiff and weak parts with excess fat. I always thought if you feel this way and not like your body is a bag of beans attached to you that you have to drag around, then you would be truly at peace and happy with yourself, since then you would own stuff. Yourself and your surroundings. You could easily just climb away, access parts others can't, and just know what you're capable of, know what your body can do, know where your limits truly are.

 

When I was a teenager, it was this scene that haunted me ever since

 

There she goes, haha. And nobody can tie her to the ground.

 

Of course escaping is behind it, as always. I wish I could climb to the highest spot, and then just fly away when people come too close. Sometimes I could just dive in as I please, but then retreat and nobody can follow me. Hurr durr. And all the shenanigans possible. 

 

LOL I just had to think of Thief, when you stand on a small table and guards gather around you, but can't follow, wave their swords and shout insults at you. 

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21 hours ago, Owlet said:

 Although recently I was let down one too many times by someone I thought was a close friend

 

That sucks indeed, but don't take it personally! I've learned from unreliability that it's their problem, not mine. Hope they will take your retreat to heart!

 

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True! I have a stupid tendency to try and evaluate everything in my mind, to see if I'm to blame for something and in what way. 

same here!

 

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 I am increasingly moving away from blame/fault and more towards cause and effect - often two people will butt heads just because of who they are and certain aspects of their personalities clash

Good one! Wise words. I'm still tempted to part things in good and bad and right and wrong. But these days I don't have much trouble anymore to leave people their opinions. There was a time when I thought I have to convince everyone of mine, or defend my point. Today I shrug off much more.

 

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 Have you seen Louie C K's skit on road rage? So great.

I watched it :) Supermarkets are the worst, yes. Driving is nothing compared for me, because people don't get so close. Reckless and thoughtless people just exhaust me so much. Last year I went shopping, I was sweating, it was warm, and I wanted to go home, just get a few groceries, and I was already past some rude encounters with others acting like they are alone in the whole world. Like stopping suddenly so you run into them and all of this shit. 

 

So there was this couple in the store, their cart on the right side, she on the left side on a shelf, he awkwardly standing between her and the cart. They were blocking the whole hallway, which was the only one, and they were these kind of self-absorbed people who don't even realize there might be other customers trying to shop. 

 

I approach them, both stand with the back to me and don't react. I try to quickly squeeze through the gap between the guy and the cart, when it that second OF COURSE he makes a quick move towards the cart and I bump into him. 

 

In that moment I let out an annoyed groan, and the couple just starts laughing :ambivalence:

 

tumblr_ncu5kpHC1P1rw0mueo2_500.png

 

 

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 I don't just make friends at bus stops or whatever lol.

 

Yeah but honestly - who does that anyway? 

 

I've been successful in the past with approaching shy people, got some friends like this. The moment I realized they were not arrogant, I sometimes approached them repeatedly until they opened up. The majority of them, quiet and shy seeming girls, was actually hilarious the moment they started talking. One became my best friend for years, and with the others I used to hang out a lot. For some reason the meek and the shy of all species often like me, lol. I can only recommend trying it out. The only thing I need to remember is that some people are alone for a reason and being shy/introvert/a loner isn't a sign of quality of a good personality.

 

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Dwelling on problems often doesn't bring enlightenment, only despair. Use wisely

Pointlessly dwelling on them sucks. Writing is tool of choice for me. There I realize when it gets destructive/pointless.

 

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When you take action, you create a cause, and you will soon feel the effect. 

Yeah I tend to forget that. That when you change inside or make resolutions, you need to act on them. I'm quick to say: Okay, now I understood this, came to that conclusion, now I have changed. That's not true though, and action is necessary.

 

Thanks for sharing your story! So you got rewarded for sticking with it and slowly opening up to the people. Basically for taking a risk. I'm glad it all worked out in the end and you had the experience that it's worth reaching out and overcoming your fears and what is holding you back. 

 

 

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By the end of the trip though (10 days) I was having the most amazing conversations with Dad and also finally got my confidence back after surviving the trip.

I can only imagine how you must have felt! Such a great reward! And so worth it, it's great when you get along with a close family member, especially if the situation has been troubled before.

 

This whole risk taking principle is what I keep reminding myself of. Maybe it's also a bit superstition, I don't know. 

 

Whenever something is not clear, I tend to shut down and give up inside. It's a hard wired mechanism and I'm working specifically on that.

 

For example, yesterday I got a notification in the mail that I got an an official letter I have to fetch somewhere. I guessed it is from my school, telling me something horrible, like my thesis time is over, or I am exmatriculated or something. 

 

Then I have only 1 week left to get that prolongation and I'm so scared the professor will fuck it up somehow and hand in a paper too late and the office will refuse to acknowledge it and then the time will be over and that's it.

 

The first reaction to this is: Stop everything you're doing. Drop everything on the spot. It's pointless. 

 

It feels like a sudden drop in motivation, hope, and results in me wanting to go to bed until things are clear, the circumstances figured out. It's like: I can't work until I know if it has a point or not. Maybe I'll get exmatriculated now. I can't work with this fear. 

 

I was suffering from this in much worse degrees all my life. Like, when something was unclear with my relationship, I can't go on with ANYTHING anymore. When something is unclear with the bills and I might end up having to pay a huge amount of money I didn't expect, I can't go on with my day, I need to figure this out in an instant and until then function in crisis-mode, means, doing only the most necessary things. Eat. Sleep. And distract myself from the horrible reality while I feel horrible. Years ago I had a minor car accident, just some superficial damage, but cost me 300 bucks. For a week I lived in panic mode, constantly mulling the situation over while being in shock freeze. There was nothing else I could concentrate on. It was like a little trauma. Why did this happen to me? Why did my whole life go to shit so quickly? Why does everything have to suck now?

 

Now today I know about this urge to freeze and panic, and how destructive it is, now for example yesterday I needed to tell myself: Keep going. Keep installing that tower. Don't check your mails for bad news of your school. Keep working on the thesis, no matter what. Just expect the best, expect you will get more time and not exmatriculated, if you just keep working on it like nothing bad is going to happen, nothing bad will happen. Muster up the will and power and keep doing shit, then you will get rewarded for it more likely than if you drop everything.

 

Basically, pretend everything is okay and act like it will work out somehow in the end. 

 

Panic inside but keep dancing like no one's shooting at you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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On 29 June 2016 at 6:32 PM, Pyralis said:

I was suffering from this in much worse degrees all my life. Like, when something was unclear with my relationship, I can't go on with ANYTHING anymore. When something is unclear with the bills and I might end up having to pay a huge amount of money I didn't expect, I can't go on with my day, I need to figure this out in an instant and until then function in crisis-mode, means, doing only the most necessary things. Eat. Sleep. And distract myself from the horrible reality while I feel horrible. Years ago I had a minor car accident, just some superficial damage, but cost me 300 bucks. For a week I lived in panic mode, constantly mulling the situation over while being in shock freeze. There was nothing else I could concentrate on. It was like a little trauma. Why did this happen to me? Why did my whole life go to shit so quickly? Why does everything have to suck now?

 

Now today I know about this urge to freeze and panic, and how destructive it is, now for example yesterday I needed to tell myself: Keep going. Keep installing that tower. Don't check your mails for bad news of your school. Keep working on the thesis, no matter what. Just expect the best, expect you will get more time and not exmatriculated, if you just keep working on it like nothing bad is going to happen, nothing bad will happen. Muster up the will and power and keep doing shit, then you will get rewarded for it more likely than if you drop everything. 

Ha, funny you should mention it, I was reading a similar thing on someone else's thread this morning and thinking I have this problem a bit too. Like you know, rationally, that you shouldn't panic (and don't even need to) but your brain insists on freaking out which of course makes the situation worse. That's great you stuck with working on your pull up tower. I think being aware of the problem is a big part of the solution, and being firm enough to deny that part of your brain wanting to panic or shut down. I know that feeling though - one minute everything is swell, the next it feels like your life sucks. On the flip side though, it can be just as quick to transform from shit to great again, and remembering that can be some comfort when you feel all is

lost. 

 

Well done on getting the pull up tower constructed! Sounds like a workout in itself lol. I haven't tried hangin from a bar since I was a kid but I hear it's normal to struggle even with that initially. You'll get there though, bit by bit :) 

 

hope the the thesis is going well, and the resisting of treats! Memories and habits are strong things indeed. Maybe you could create some new ones? 

 

I dont know know anything about macros or calories sorry. I have heard people say though that they get less hungry when eating more protein and veges etc rather than carbs. Tricky on a vegan diet though. Sigh, why is eating so complicated? Good luck anyway, keep trying to see what works best for you. 

 

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On 6/29/2016 at 1:14 AM, Pyralis said:

Man, I'm so sore today :D It's incredible. I think it's partially from the upper body weight training, but a good part of it must also be from climbing around my new tower. 

 

But my scale is going apeshit. My weight during night went up to almost 158 again. I guess it's water weight, especially with such huge parts of the body being sore - basically my entire back, stomach, arms and legs (from weighted squats). I don't eat enough to gain this much fat, especially overnight. 

 

To be entirely honest, it pisses me the f*ck off. Seriously. I've always had the feeling that the more I exercise, the more weight I gain. It was always much easier for me to lose weight by just eating little and not exercise at all (and smoke). It sucks that the healthy way is so rocky.

 

But I'm letting counting my macros slip right now anyway. I'm not to sure of them either. 1750 calories a day, the exercise is already in there, and I'm hungry basically all day. I don't want to go much lower, but also not much higher. I'm trying to stay vegan (besides fish) as an experiment most of the time, legumes are not so easy to digest so I don't want to overload on them. Guess I need to eat more sweet potatoes and rice.

 

Don't know if you've already researched this, but that whole "muscle weighs more than fat" thing is valid, in equal quantities. If you're adding weights to your routine, even body weight stuff, you're going to put on muscle, slowly. I weigh more now than I did when I started working out, but measurements and where the weight is stored has drastically changed. 

 

Quick overview of muscle gain and weight loss: https://www.muscleandstrength.com/articles/weight-loss-scale-worst-enemy

Longer but more complete story from NF: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2011/07/21/meet-staci-your-new-powerlifting-super-hero/

 

I know it's hard to fight that voice of society that tells you to get skinny and eat less, but the whole point of the NF Rebellion is to overcome bad society views! Skinny fat is not a healthy place to be, and being stronger bucks the "weigh as little as possible" theory. I've been dealing with this for a while, and have only recently started to accept that the scale does not define you. The fact that I can hold my own in parkour class means way more than a number, but it takes a lot of work to shut that social voice up.

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46 minutes ago, Manarelle said:

 

Don't know if you've already researched this, but that whole "muscle weighs more than fat" thing is valid, in equal quantities. If you're adding weights to your routine, even body weight stuff, you're going to put on muscle, slowly. I weigh more now than I did when I started working out, but measurements and where the weight is stored has drastically changed. 

 

Quick overview of muscle gain and weight loss: https://www.muscleandstrength.com/articles/weight-loss-scale-worst-enemy

Longer but more complete story from NF: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2011/07/21/meet-staci-your-new-powerlifting-super-hero/

 

I know it's hard to fight that voice of society that tells you to get skinny and eat less, but the whole point of the NF Rebellion is to overcome bad society views! Skinny fat is not a healthy place to be, and being stronger bucks the "weigh as little as possible" theory. I've been dealing with this for a while, and have only recently started to accept that the scale does not define you. The fact that I can hold my own in parkour class means way more than a number, but it takes a lot of work to shut that social voice up.

 

I'm absolutely with you here, but I doubt I've gained 2 kg of muscle from a month of working out.

 

You're right - I do struggle with that voice. My goal is not to be as skinny as possible though, and especially not skinny fat. I have already given up on the goal to weigh a certain number, but I still do have fat to lose, I see it on me and I simply know it.

 

I can only lose it with proper nutrition. It's my fault that I didn't really take care of that the past week, while it doesn't justify weight gain of 2 kg over night, it is the reason for me not getting closer to my goals. 

 

I think Friday and Saturday letting it slip are a problem, even though I am not letting it slip as much as ever before. It's also hard to get back to counting macros again after that. I already decided I will eat less fat and more carbs/protein and see how that goes. 

 

I think the problem is that I am definitely eating too much overall. Even when I count macros/calories, I don't go under 1750 calories. I know I can't expect great weight loss with that, especially with being close to my goal weight anyway, and I don't want to do it quickly or overnight, but a tendency to a loss more to a gain would be nice.

 

Also I took my measurements today, they're the same as in May, I even gained 2-3cm on my thighs. I highly doubt this is muscle mass I gained. I think I gained pizza funghi on my thighs and probably mars bars, even though I had it only on Fridays.

 

BUT I did get stronger, I did get more endurance, I struggle less with many exercises and also yoga poses that require core strength and balance. And that's more important. As you write with your parkour class, that's amazing btw!

 

I still want to lose that fat because I don't want to lift it, lol :D

 

Thanks for the links, I'll dig into them, but I know a lot already about all of this, also that you can't cut and bulk usually at the same time and so on. I don't want to eat a plus on purpose all the time though, even though I do lift a few harmless little weights every now and then. I think I can get good results with losing fat (hopefully) and working out at the same time when I make sure I eat my macros. 

 

Funny that you write to me now, I'm pondering all day because of this, because today I wanted to make a new plan and take new pictures and all - in future I want to measure success on being able to do things. In my case, pull-ups. Body weight balance poses. Or getting stronger in general, being able to hang in there, literally, a bit longer. It would frustrate me though if I gained back weight, and I don't want to eat junk food for days anymore, I want to put in the effort of trying to eat well and meet my macros. So, not freak out over the scale but not neglect the weight loss at the same time. 

 

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1 hour ago, Manarelle said:

Another week down... how'd it go? 

 

Thanks for asking. 

 

Well. I didn't gain weight, I also didn't lose weight. I didn't track macros, but I did exercise more or less regularly and today I'm sore again. 

 

My push-ups are getting better slowly with the workout routine, and every day I'm hanging a bit on the tower (I have it for one week now btw), do a few dips and leg raises. Just for fun. 

 

Yesterday during shaving I noticed that I have quite impressive calf muscles (for some reason a WTF moment since I never really noticed before)

 

I also swear that my biceps looks and feels different compared to the beginning of June. Your post helped a bit to not freak out. Sometimes I tend to give up so easily and these days it's easier than ever to start skipping workouts, and sometimes I do, like: It's not making a difference. You won't progress if you don't lose weight anyway. 

But I am making progress. Getting stronger. Getting more flexible. You were right, it's better to focus on this. I don't know why I want to drop exercise so quickly always and think it's pointless anyway, when actually it makes the most sense for feeling good and getting better. For some reason it frustrates me so much to see my belly when I wear my workout clothes or when they feel too tight and all of this, and this frustration leads to avoidance. I seem to think that if I don't lose fat, this nullifies my overall progress. The past years a decent looking body was my main motivation to work out since I had given up on my other goals already (muscle up for example), I need to get used to the thought that it's about more than looking good in workout clothes (I also stopped checking fitblrs) and pointless hamster-wheel-exercise just for the sake of exercise.

 

It feels so much better to have a goal now.

 

Also yesterday I started with negative chin-ups, today my shoulders/arms/back and even stomach are sore from it. When hanging on the bar I start feeling my shoulders/stomach some more, like I'm not hanging like a bag of potatoes sooo much anymore but can actually feel some tension in my body and move a bit. 

 

Exercising on the tower is much fun, especially the dips, for some reason it feels great to jump up (the bars are quite high) and feel the muscles in my body, and I like climbing on it in general. it's fun and I'm glad I bought it. 

 

 

Besides that, right now I am heavily focusing on my thesis. I can get 4-6 weeks more time, today I went to my consultant, he agreed to it and he didn't rip my head off, he actually seemed like he couldn't care less about how much time I have. Now I'm trying not to worry too much about the possibility that the exam office might not get the paper he signed in time and they just exmatriculate me. But oh well. Staying positive. I'm working, yes indeed.

 

Since last Friday I am really focusing on working 8 hours a day, implementing the tips and plans the woman from psychological counseling gave me. It includes a mix of feelings, incredible frustration that can change to incredible joy quickly. I have to force myself through it a lot to be honest. I start at 8 am, do 3 units of  1,5 hours with 15 minutes break inbetween them, then take 2 hours off for lunch (I'd like less but I'm too tired at noon, guess it is because I have this sleep rhythm only for a few days now and need to get used to it first), then have a unit of 1,5 and one of 2 hours with another break. Then I workout, go grocery shopping, and then leisure time, which is not very long, because I need to go to bed before midnight or I ruin my rhythm again (but even if I do, I will reschedule and still work)

 

During breaks I leave the computer, which is new. Before I would sit in front of it and end up on youtube, now I do dead hangs or other exercises, sun salutation or stretches, meditate, or just lie in bed with closed eyes and chill. I read that it matters how often during the day we interact with gravity, that's why getting up inbetween is important, for some reason this motivates me to get away from my PC inbetween.

 

This whole thing is absolutely new for me, but I'm learning so much more right now than during my entire studies.

I feel very driven right now.

 

 

2 months ago I took a 2 hour walk, depressed and desperate, knowing I need to start with the thesis and can't even open the program because I am so scared of it. Now I did all the scary things, yes they are scary, they are annoying as fuck, I want to punch the PC so often, I have bug after bug and problem after problem, and then the shit finally works the way I want and looks nice. 

 

So this is the main focus, and now that I am getting used to this a bit, I'll get back to nutrition. I didn't eat terrible, just didn't watch out much and sometimes had chocolate croissants. My goal is finding good compromises because I know I can't keep all areas of my life that all were a complete mess only 2 months ago under full control. Baby steps. 

 

 

 

It's the same with workout, I made these plans that I exercise 50 or more minutes, but the past days were such a struggle with the work already and I was so tired that I thought "I'm not going to work out at all, I'm too tired, I need groceries, it's late"

Then I thought: "What if it was just ONE workout of 30 minutes and not 2 and 70 minutes in total?"

 

I realized I wanted to work out, but not for 70 minutes. The 30 minutes seemed absolutely doable though, so I did them. All good. Besides the tiny voice in my head that said: "Hurr durr 30 minutes are nothing"

I pointed at my sweat and asked if it wants to call this "nothing". Then it shut up.

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795b882c4c64276b5716d78b9843fd48.jpg

 

Grats on the progress. And super grats on telling that stupid voice to shut up. That's probably the hardest thing to do, and I'm pretty sure everyone fights with that on a regular basis. Baby steps add up, little habits and up, just keep that goal in mind! 

 

And yes, those moments of "ooh look, there's an actual muscle there!" are so cool. :) There will be more, I have faith in you. 

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Sounds like you're doing great! You're making me want my own pullup tower haha. Glad you're starting to see results and focusing more on strength and stability than the scales (they are so fickle). My weight goes up and down like crazy, a couple of kgs in the course of a day. Still don't really get it, but I don't pay much attention anyway. Measurements and photos are good, or just realising that your clothes fit differently (or finding muscles when shaving!)

 

15 hours ago, Pyralis said:

It feels so much better to have a goal now.

Yes! I think goals are key. Unless it's an exercise that you genuinely enjoy, it's hard to keep it up if there isn't some purpose to it. Like If I commit to climbing a mountain I will happily train. But otherwise, I put off walking each day and pretty soon I'm not walking at all. 

 

I like the sound of your daily routine at the moment - very structured. I think tht is the best way to make solid progress on a big project. You can get some momentum and churn out the work. Glad it is getting easier too :) and that's great you went and talked to your consultant, and that he wasn't even bothered! Not nearly as bad as you thought it would be, phew! 

 

Keep up the good work! 

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Right now I literally feel like

 

2c8066af9cd3ce35afd73eee433d1992-sad-cat

 

Ugh, I'm super unhappy with everything, and I can't seem to find a way out. It's not like depression, it's just an overwhelming meh-feeling, that peaks in frustration whenever I work on my thesis.

 

I don't know why and I feel silly for it, but during this work I feel so terrible. Sure, my mood shifts and when I achieve something, it feels great, but I don't have that normal sense of achievement that you get when you tackle a problem.

 

Because all the problems I stumble upon seem so unnecessary and like I'm wasting my time with them. Same with a bunch of the workload. 

 

I had to redo a few models over and over again because I kept messing up the unwrapping. This came from not being good enough yet and not knowing what to look out for. I was busy for 2 days with fucking walls, and it feels like 2/3 of that work were unnecessary and could have been avoided if I had known better. I can't even manage to find good tutorials that seem to fit. I have to find out everything from scratch and I simply hate it. 

 

Not only that I don't enjoy modelling interior the slightest, it then has stupid bugs. I don't need such challenges. This gives me no sense of achievement. I want to import it to the engine, before it worked fine, now I get an error. I googled that error, it's an error there is exactly ONE thread about in the support forum and of course no solution. It also concerned a model I needed 2 days for. I needed 2 days to model, unwrap and texture a damn plant. A deco object. And then I can't even import it.

 

I solved the problem easily, but stuff like this is such a drag, it's so annoying, I seriously do not know how to deal with the frustration, and when I think about the fact I wanted to be done with the interior 2 weeks ago and still am not even close to finishing it, and need even more time, and have to sit down for more days and hours with this...

 

It was fun importing the stuff to the engine at least, that was what kept me going: Finish this model, then it will at least look nice when you import it.

 

But when even the import fails and is a problem and then I get clipping, lighting and material errors...it's simply no fun at all. I want to be done with it. 

 

And I don't know to whom to vent my frustration, it seems so silly. Even for myself. The whole paragraph over this sentence, I'm embarassed for it. But that's how I feel.

 

Everybody seems to have so much fun with this, they build modular environments just for fun, whooo, 3D modelling, it's so fun, whoo, solving problems, it's fun. Not for me it seems. This annoys me additionally because in theory it is super cool to build your fantasies in 3D and play them, right?  Should be fun. I should be into this. I shouldn't get so frustrated by it. 

 

And I guess this was why I couldn't get started. I knew it. I knew it wouldn't be real fun, otherwise I would have been doing it all along. Well, fine, then it's not fun. I just want to be done with it in a few weeks and never look back. 

 

I can't even imagine not having to make a thesis. I can't even imagine having this sword of Damocles gone. Will be replaced with a new one quickly: Find a job. 

 

But whatever happens, I know for sure that I will start kickboxing. I'm so on the edge by now, I want to get in a fist fight badly. Preferred with my neighbor, but I doubt she will be in for it. I have nightmares of beating people up, I feel like a pressure cooker. 

 

 

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Oh man, I feel your pain! I am so glad that where I work, if there are errors I can just email someone and their job is to either fix it or help me fix it! I would have no idea how to. I much prefer to get stuck into whatever task I'm on and not constantly be held up by random bugs (or me fucking up because I don't know better lol) I often think 'wow I could never work in IT or be one of the techies that fixes everything'. I guess some people really like that side of things though. I've been having a real battle with my laptop at home since I upgraded to windows 10 - goddamn automatic updates. It keeps over-riding the driver for my touchpad, both after rebooting and sometimes just randomly while I'm using it. All of a sudden I just can't scroll. Makes me want to tear my hair out. And the internet is full of people with the same problem and a bunch of fixes that mostly don't work. I started looking into how you disable updates last night but then gave up and went to bed. Lol I just ranted all over your thread sorry. Just wanted to say don't be embarrassed, it's totally normal to get frustrated with stuff taking ages/not working on computers! And you should definitely get into kick boxing, that would be awesome!

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