Hira takes care of herself

[Hiraedd]

Hi. *waves* Hope you guys don't mind me parking here for the challenge   I'll be pretty quiet -- I'm still getting used to social interaction again.

 

Some background: I recently had a major breakdown after a rough few years struggle with depression.  I am under the care of a whole host of medical professionals, and am trying to find my new normal.  In that process I have to learn to look after myself.

 

Things I'm trying to do: (Isn't that funny?  I can't seem to call them goals right now.  Oh well.)

1) Progressive Muscle Relaxation

2) Abdominal Breathing

3) Lifting weights two days a week (following New Rules of Lifting for Women)

4) Cardio two days a week

5) writing daily

 

That's about it.  Scant details, I know, but I am trying not to overthink things and then not post this.  So I think I'll just post it and tweak afterwards.

 

-H

[Heidi]

Big hugs.

Stay gentle with yourself.

I give you permission to take as many challenges as you want, in whole or in part, with the single goal:

B R E A T H E.

Do that first.

Do it mindfully.

All will flow from there.

 

You are loved.

[Eirlys]

Hi Hira, welcome back - I really missed you! xx

 

So sorry for you to hear that you had a breakdown.

 

I hope that the gentle arms of the druids will help you on your new path xxx

[Jedediah The Wolf]

Welcome back and I wish you well on your challenges!

Sent from my Z812 using Tapatalk

[Hiraedd]

Thank you!!

 

Heidi, Eirlys, I missed you!  I felt really guilty for disappearing on you two years ago, though, and it definitely kept me from coming back.  Your sweet responses have soothed a sore spot on my soul.  It's like a warm hug to show up here and be welcomed back so wonderfully.  It was just what I needed.  Thank you.

 

Nice to meet you Jedediah.  Glad you're along for the ride.

 

As for looking after me, today I did PMR once and am off to do lifting in about an hour.  My daughter (no longer so little at 14!) is coming with me.

 

I am looking for some great affirmation phrases to put up around my house because I'm stuck in some negative patterns.  If any of you have suggestions I'd love to hear them (things that work for you, etc).

 

Love,

H

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Glad to see you have a challenge. Hiraedd is a veteran from way back, and welcomed me to the boards back in the day when I joined. I'm very proud to have the privilege of following this challenge.

[Fearkiller]

 

 

 

 

[Fearkiller]

Ooh,  '5) writing daily'. Particularly exciting. Writing the same book from back then, or something new? Because I'd so buy it if you publish.

[Heidi]

 

I believe in you.

Also, remember that often our bodies tell us what our minds reject: when I had my heart attacks, I had to listen, really listen, and quit my job. Working myself to the bone in a toxic environment was truly killing me. So I wrote this on my mirror next to the Churchill quote:

 

Sometimes courage doesn't involve continuing on;  sometimes it's about being brave enough to quit.

 

[SnowOwl]

I really like @Lightning's words about how we often forget that there are more than two choices (fight or surrender), there is a third option to step away and heal.

[Hiraedd]

Thank you all for being a soft place to land.  I am blessed by you.

 

I have printed out your words to hang up or write on my mirror to keep reminding me of positive things.

 

I went for a walk with a friend today, so cardio check one.

 

And at this point for writing it's all about healing.  Today's topic was about how love heals and love renews and my job was to write about what I wanted healed and renewed in my life.  I hope someday to finally be able to end my story, Fearkiller, and then I promise you'll be on the list to read it, even if I never do anything more than enjoy writing it.

 

-H

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

44 minutes ago, Hiraedd said:

Thank you all for being a soft place to land.  I am blessed by you.

 

I have printed out your words to hang up or write on my mirror to keep reminding me of positive things.

 

I went for a walk with a friend today, so cardio check one.

 

And at this point for writing it's all about healing.  Today's topic was about how love heals and love renews and my job was to write about what I wanted healed and renewed in my life.  I hope someday to finally be able to end my story, Fearkiller, and then I promise you'll be on the list to read it, even if I never do anything more than enjoy writing it.

 

-H

This makes me feel peaceful.

[Heidi]

36 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

This makes me feel peaceful.

Second that.

Carry on.

[captncid]

Hi Hira!!

As promised:

Captncid - getting back in the saddle

https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?url=http%3A%2F%2Frebellion%2Enerdfitness%2Ecom%2Findex%2Ephp%3F%2Ftopic%2F84632-Captncid---getting-back-in-the-saddle&share_tid=84632&share_fid=26425&share_type=t

Sent by captain's orders via raven

[Fearkiller]

15 hours ago, Hiraedd said:

Thank you all for being a soft place to land.  I am blessed by you.

 

I feel really soft, almost teary-eyed knowing I can mean so much to someone, however it is that I've, on my part, helped

 

15 hours ago, Hiraedd said:

And at this point for writing it's all about healing.  Today's topic was about how love heals and love renews and my job was to write about what I wanted healed and renewed in my life.  I hope someday to finally be able to end my story, Fearkiller, and then I promise you'll be on the list to read it, even if I never do anything more than enjoy writing it.

 

-H

You don't need anything 'more', that is the point  Everything else is secondary, enjoy it first 

[Hiraedd]

Counselling today...it always leaves me a little raw.  Followed it with a massage.  

 

Still feeling fragile so I'm skipping today's cardio and rescheduling it for Friday.

 

Writing this morning was about how love takes away fear and my job was to write about what I wanted to stop being afraid of.  The list was fairly substantial.

 

SnowOwl, it's nice to meet you.  Thanks for passing on that great quote.

 

Heidi, Tank, Fearkiller *squishy hug*

 

Cid!  So glad that you're giving it another round with me.

 

I really adore you all.

-H

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Massage after counselling sounds like a great idea. Never forget, you are doing more in life with the difficulty set on insane than many people even attempt with the difficulty set on easy.

[Heidi]

16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Massage after counselling sounds like a great idea. Never forget, you are doing more in life with the difficulty set on insane than many people even attempt with the difficulty set on easy.

I have been here, girlfriend, and you remember it well.

I can also assure you that when you get to the other side, you will still do more in SlugOnACouch mode than most people do in Beast.

[Hiraedd]

On 6/23/2016 at 10:50 AM, Heidi said:

I have been here, girlfriend, and you remember it well.

I can also assure you that when you get to the other side, you will still do more in SlugOnACouch mode than most people do in Beast.

 

On 6/22/2016 at 6:12 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Massage after counselling sounds like a great idea. Never forget, you are doing more in life with the difficulty set on insane than many people even attempt with the difficulty set on easy.

It's funny how much of my self worth I have tied up in what I do, as though I'm a human doing and not a human being.  If I'm not accomplishing something -- anything -- then I feel like I'm a waste of skin.  I'm making a note of that to talk with the counselor about.

 

Okay: the last few days.

Thursday -- personal well-being 2 (on scale of 0-10, 0 being "completely fragile" and 10 being "take on the world"; my newest activity from the counselor). Moved lifting to Saturday. Vegged out. Personal well being at night 3.

 

Friday -- personal well-being (PWB) 3.  Cardio.  Personal well-being at night 6.

 

Saturday -- PWB 3.  Lifting.  PWB @ night 4.

 

Sunday -- PWB 3.  Went to church early to avoid crowd.  Sat alone in private room. Still got overwhelmed.  Left in middle of service.  On the win side, told myself "you can do this.  But it's also okay if you can't do this."  I am slowly, very slowly, learning. Very very slowly. Played a game of DC Blue Box with my daughter.  Daughter left for 2 weeks and I pushed all the feels away because I didn't want to be that sad.  At least I recognized I was numbing myself, right?  PWB at night, 0.

 

Monday -- PWB 4.  Drove to old property and cut the grass for mom and dad. (took 2 hours = cardio).  Bought a push mower (no engine) for back yard.  Cut back yard (10 min).  Now it's time to eat more than a protein shake and do some writing.

 

-H

[Heidi]

Good for you for taking it slow and checking in throughout the day.

This is how it works.

Never forget that I love you.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

33 minutes ago, Hiraedd said:

Sunday -- PWB 3.  Went to church early to avoid crowd.  Sat alone in private room. Still got overwhelmed.  Left in middle of service.  On the win side, told myself "you can do this.  But it's also okay if you can't do this."  I am slowly, very slowly, learning. Very very slowly. Played a game of DC Blue Box with my daughter.  Daughter left for 2 weeks and I pushed all the feels away because I didn't want to be that sad.  At least I recognized I was numbing myself, right?  PWB at night, 0.

FWIW, it isn't about you not staying the whole time for church. You went to church, and that is something fully accomplished. Staying the whole time can be another accomplishment for a future time. The fact that it's still out there to be done doesn't take away from your success of getting to church.

 

Also, choosing to numb yourself as a coping skill for a specific situation is way better than just being numb the whole time. Again I say it's a step in the right direction.

[Hiraedd]

Painted part of the deck this AM, second coat.  Painted first coat on outdoor rocking chair.

 

Ate a real breakfast (omlette, hash browns).  Had like 4 cups of caffeinated beverages to try to beat the heat...unsucessfully.

 

Feeling really terrible about myself at the moment.  Spent money I should have saved and am beating myself up being so impulsive.  (Which, now that I look at my day, may have something to do with the caffeine...).

 

Abdominal breathing done.  Went to the gm today -- lifting.

 

Struggling not to hate myself.  Today it's a losing battle.

 

-H

 

[SnowOwl]

23 minutes ago, Hiraedd said:

Painted part of the deck this AM, second coat.  Painted first coat on outdoor rocking chair.

 

Ate a real breakfast (omlette, hash browns).

It sounds like you got some great things done today.  

 

I hope you are able to recognize the good and let go of the imperfections. It's a challenging path.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

38 minutes ago, Hiraedd said:

Feeling really terrible about myself at the moment.  Spent money I should have saved and am beating myself up being so impulsive.  (Which, now that I look at my day, may have something to do with the caffeine...).

This is such an ugly feeling. You are amazing, and are not defined by that money that has been spent. Who you are hasn't changed, and who you are is an amazing person, a good person.

[Heidi]

Trust the process, and breathe.

You are wonderful, strong, lovely.

There will be plenty of what you need.

There is an abundance, all around.

Do not hate yourself - your old ways and patterns developed from fear, and saved you. It is hard to thank these ways, but they, like the warriors they are, fought tooth and nail. I am grateful for these warriors of yours.

 

I give them permission to rest now, to stop fighting, to stop being on watch, to lie down in comfort.