DarK_RaideR's BattlE_LoG

[Xena]

8 minutes ago, RES said:

I have plenty of advice if you would like to hear it...if not, just know I'm thinking of you and hope everything turns out for the best.

 

A wonderful way to offer advice :-)

[DarK_RaideR]

Checking in to let my fellow Rebels know I'm not dead, nor have I given up the good fight. In fact, I actually weighed in at 80,6kg this morning, meaning I'm at least doing something right with my eating, even though I don't feel like I'm eating as best as I can and didn't manage to get a single Muay Thai training in last week. Things are piping down with the SRLF and everything else is coming along ok, minus the Bullet Journalling part that I haven't been keeping up with.

 

Thank you for your support and hope you had an awesome Halloween!

[DarK_RaideR]

Falk: Welcome back, fans of MMA. My name is Paul Falk and I'm here with Robbie Hesenthal to break down SIGMA's April show in Poland for you.

 

Hesenthal: What a show this is shaping up to be, hello from me too.

Spoiler

Falk: Hedlining the show is the showdown between 'El Diablo' Luis Basora and 'The Ice Cold Swede' Lukas Mellberg for the SIGMA Lightweight title. This one's been a pretty heated rivalry, with both men trading verbal blows for months now on social media and it wasn't any different during the press conference, was it Robbie?

 

Hesenthal: Well there's more than the title on the line here, Paul, it's a matter of pride as well. These two have only fought once again back in August of 1998, with Basora winning. He is now walking into this fight with history and the odds in his favor, but I can't help but wonder how motivated he can be to repeat his feat and retain the title when he's already signed with ALPHA-1.

 

Falk: Which is what Mellberg has been taunting him about, as Basora will be leaving SIGMA after this fight. Robbie, you are the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu expert, so how about you tell our fans about the challenger?

 

Hesenthal: Well his background is BJJ like you said, Paul, and he trains with Gothenborg Submission Fighting but 'The Ice Cold Swede' is more than that, he's actually one of the best 155lbers in the world and he's always been in the title mix here in SIGMA but never actually managed to pull off that feat. His professional record stands at 19-5 thanks to his ridiculously deadly guillotine choke and he has a 5-2 record in SIGMA, I think he'd love to finally beat Basora and get revenge along with the title that's been eluding him forever.

 

Falk: That's easier said than done though, especially when he's up against a man known for his lightning quick trips and throws and also his great submission skills. This looks like it'll be contested on the mat and it's no surprise Basora is the favorite here, he was the first ever SIGMA Lightweight champion and currently a two time title holder since winning it back in 2001. He may be 31 like his opponent, 5-2 with SIGMA like him, but Basora boasts a 23-5 professional record. He is also the founder of Euro Team Thunder with his brother Alberto, who by the way lost in shocking manner to Templeton Crumb, do you think that might affect the champion's psychology in any way, Robbie?

 

Hesenthal: 'El Diablo' has always been the more talented, or at least the most successful of the two brothers, so if nothing else, I think he's more motivated to win and make up for his big brother's defeat.

Spoiler

Falk: But that's not the only title fight of the night, nor is it one where a Swede is involved.

 

Hesenthal: Or a member of Gothenborg Submission Fighting, only this time it's the non-Swede out of the two.

 

Falk: Indeed, it's the challenger out of Scotland who trains with them, whereas the Swedish champion chose to train with Mantas Andreev Fighting to prepare for this bout. It's 'Ice Cold' Lars Bohlin defending his SIGMA Featherweight title against 'The Miniature Killer' Jason Dalglish.

 

Hesenthal: Another similarity to the main event I forgot to mention, Paul, these two have also fought before back in February 1997 and the current champion won, though Dalglish hasn't lost a single fight since then, which brought him up the ranks for a title rematch, even though he was sidelined for most of 1999 and 2000 with a badly broken arm.

 

Falk: Bohlin's the clear favorite of the two though, and how could he not, with a 6-1 record in SIGMA and a staggering 52-7 overall at 35 years of age, he's a true veteran of the sport. He's pretty consistent too, sticking with what's taken him this far which is getting up close and personal and grinding out victories with his wrestling ability. Not content with that though, Bohlin used his mastery of dirty boxing and was one of the first to combine it with "Wall And Stall" tactics to create a way to wear down opponents. This would explain not only his match record but also his title record, as he is a two-time SIGMA Featherweight champion.

 

Hesenthal: His challenger comes from a BJJ background again, so with your permission Paul, I got this covered. Dalglish stands at a 5-1 record with SIGMA and 21-5 overall, but what's really important for this fight is he not only posesses submission skills that can end a match in an instant, he has also proven to be a very tough opponent to finish off.

 

Falk: Sounds like another match likely to end via submission.

 

Hesenthal: There's various ways this could play out, but I'd put Knockout and maybe TKO at the bottom of the list.

Spoiler

Falk: The smaller divisions take center stage for the two big fights at the top of the card, but that doesn't mean the heavier men of the roster won't be around. Topping the non-title part of the card is a Light Heavyweight clash between Russia's Daniil 'Skull Crusher' Skala and Germany's Jacob Matthaus, also known as the 'Hamburg Hammer' and if their nicknames weren't enough of a hint, this is bound to be a straightforward striking contest.

 

Hesenthal: Pretty even as far as odds go too. Matthaus has a slightly better track record with SIGMA so far, 5-3 against Skala's 4-5, but the Russian has been a mainstay of the division since SIGMA first opened, which is reflected in his 21-9 career record while Matthaus stands at 18-10.

 

Falk: Skala has indeed been with SIGMA since day one and he's a pretty tough opponent to read thanks to his ice cold demeanor, no matter the hits he takes. You never know when he'll go for a big punch or kick aimed at his opponent's head and that relentless headhunting with power strikes has earned him his nickname. Matthaus on the other hand packs much power behind his punches too, but there's a huge difference depending on whether he's standing or mounted on top of a fallen opponent. Ground and pound is his specialty but he has been struggling with getting there, so I think if Skala can avoid taking the fight to the ground, he has a good chance of winning it.

 

Hesenthal: It's a very unpredictable matchup, that's for sure.

Spoiler

Falk: Moving down the card and up the weight class, it's 'The African Dream' Souleimane Ya Konan from Cote d'Ivoire taking on Romania's Iancu Trailescu, another striking contest it seems as both men are kick boxers.

 

Hesenthal: It certainly was like that when they met on January 2001, Ya Konan won by unanimous decision back then and is once again the favorite, despite the 6'10" Trailescu enjoying a big weight and reach advantage.

 

Falk: Goes to show you it's not the only thing that counts in MMA. Ya Konan is known for his intensity and it's what's allowed him to get up close last time he faced Trailescu, but through time has been wildly inconsistent, which is what may cost him a win here. Trailescu traditionally suffers when on his back, but that shouldn't be a worry given his opponent.

 

Hesenthal: Not at all, I'd say Trailescu's biggest problem is he's pretty one dimensional. His kicks pack way more punch than his hands, whereas Ya Konan is equally good with both.

Spoiler

Falk: Less weight, same style in the Middleweight divison, kick boxer Omar Calvert from Aston, England takes on the boxer from Greece, Spiridon Domazos.

 

Hesenthal: I'm amazed how Domazos is a slight favorite in this matchup, given he has little besides good boxing technique. Even with takedowns and submissions out of the equation, he has neither the kicks nor the knockout power in this.

 

Falk: Funny you should bring that up, Robbie, because Calvert has a penchant for knocking people out. Since debuting in 1999, he knocked out all of his first six opponents within the first round, a feat that got him on board with SIGMA in 2001 only for him to lose on his debut when he was laid out by Ezio Gnocchi in the first round. That may be the difference maker, as Domazos has more experience and less pressure.

 

Hesenthal: Looking at the numbers here, Calvert's at 6-1 overall and 0-1 with SIGMA like you said, while Domazos stands at 5-5 overall but hasn't been doing great either, a 2-4 fight record in SIGMA. Feels like the battle of the underdogs.

Spoiler

Falk: Speaking of underdogs, that's what Dutch kick boxer Chistijan Van Belkum will be in the Welterweight division against fellow kick boxer Benny Peyroux of France.

 

Hesenthal: Both men have had a shaky career with SIGMA and the really interesting thing here will be their future. I'm fairly certain the loser might be saying goodbye to the promotion.

Spoiler

Falk: And last but certainly not least, the only women's fight on the main card, the main show's opening bout, it's Katarzyna 'Killer" Wojciechowska fighting in front of her home crowd against slight favorite Natassia Potocnik of Russia. This is a Bantamweight division fight and Robbie, what do you know of these two?

 

Hesenthal: I know Wojciechowska is Poland's first ever female MMA fighter, so that alone has earned her a solid fanbase, but she's also known as one who'll always be in an exciting fight, win or lose. She is a rugged kick boxer with a pronounced mean streak who just loves inflicting violence and her pro record of 7-1 reflects just that. Potocnik on the other hand is less experienced at 4-2, but she's very difficult to shake off once she's taken the mount. Beware of her slicing elbows from that position, if Wojciechowska can keep her standing she should be able to eliminate her greatest weapon.

 

Falk: Both women making their SIGMA debut and so are two Super Heavyweights in the night's only pre-show fights, let's go through that real quick, Robbie.

 

Hesenthal: It's SIGMA debut for England's Fred Goggins after a 3-0 streak on the local circuit, but local fighter Erich Dymek will be making his professional MMA debut straight with the company.!

 

Falk: So two rookies in that match, what else is known?

 

Hesenthal: Dymek is 20 years old and comes from the Polish town of Malbok with a background in Judo, pretty unusual for a man his size. He weighed in at 286lbs, just eleven more than his opponent from Greendale. Goggins is also two years older and bases his style on wrestling

 

Falk: That'll be interesting to watch, make sure you join us for the show, fans!

[DarK_RaideR]

Mandatory 1 Sagat gif per update, check

 

It's been a much better week so far. The out-of-work environment has been much calmer, but that's not to say the issues aren't there, they've just taken a back seat to the work overload and they've lost some steam now that time has passed. Had a sudden rush of things at work by the middle of last week, a million things to do under impossible deadlines with close to no information, but I've been able to deal with them a little better once the deadline got a 30 day extension on Monday. I've been eating alright, survived Tuesday's 100% power, knee focused Muay Thai training session and I'm on my way to Thursday's murderous sequel after posting this. I'm also having a lady to help with cleaning the house on Friday before we lay down the carpets and we've agreed with the SRLF that if she does a good enough job (and can suffer through my car being a total asshat) we'll ask her to visit on a regular basis. That should help with the housekeeping at least, because any stress it alleviates from the SRLF will be countered by the stress of increased expenses anyway. Bullet Journalling is on hold as is the food logging, but somehow I'm still getting things done and eating like I should.

[DarK_RaideR]

It's nice to finally get a breather after a full week of work overload. I feel like I used to do after exam season, my mind starts un-focusing from whatever it was super focused on earlier and slowly taking in everything else around. Muay Thai was fine and all about conditioning, got some solid ab and shoulder work done thanks to punch combos while holding dumbbells. The only downside is the cleaning lady called after the training to cancel her visit, claiming her baby is sick and she'd have to stay home. Not sure how much of it is true or whether she's dodging the one-off task (though I explicitly told her we were interested to make some long term arrangement, implying this was a first trial go) but the fact remains that my dad is still visiting for the weekend and although he won't be staying home (he switched to a motorcycle weekend trip due to a lack of available airplane tickets) this leaves the SRLF on her own for the entire weekend and out to clean up the house before we lay down the carpets. I did my best to help her last night and this morning though, hopefully taking her to pick up her new custom ring from an old crossfit acquaintance's shop today will pick up her spirits a bit. Being away for the weekend also means no tabletop rpg sessions, but with two of those last week and several play by post games and wrestling/mma narratives to keep my creative juices flowing, I'll manage.

Spoiler

Think I'd forget?

 

[DarK_RaideR]

In other news, I dug this video up recently as part of a discussion and it's got me thinking this is the way I should have portrayed Champagne Lover when I did NGW...

 

[WhiteGhost]

On 11/9/2018 at 11:06 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

this is the way I should have portrayed Champagne Lover when I did NGW...

Not sure what you intended, but that is pretty much exactly how I pictured CL  

[DarK_RaideR]

No updates since November 9th, I see. This is what lack of a daily challenge will do to me, even though I have been keeping up with various threads here, I haven't posted an update on mine for a while.

1. Nutrition: Seems I'm stuck somewhere in the 83-83,5kg range these days and although I have been anything but stellar in my eating, I've been noticing improvement as far as my conditioning during workouts goes. Also gotten comments about (badass) changes to my body, so I'm willing to assume the extra weight gain is muscle, or at least more muscle than fat.
2. Workouts: Did both of them last week, Wednesday and Friday to be exact. Coach was off to Turkey for some competition, so both sessions were led by senior students he had left behind. It was an interesting change of pace and I must admit one of them is an excellent teacher himself, plus I finally got to train elbow shots!
3. "Quid pro quo" for housekeeping: Haven't exactly kept this on a quid pro quo basis, but I'm getting housework done while my gaming/fooling around time is close to zero, due to long and frequent absence from home. Did an extensive cleaning of the bathroom and bedroom on Sunday before laying down the carpet under the bed AND I'm finally catching up a bit with Critical Role, watching it on my phone before going asleep at nights.
4. Bullet Journal (BuJo): Still haven't touched this in a while, but getting things done. Planning to pick up the habit again.
5. Mental training: Given recent procedures in the background, this one has evolved into a thing where I am starting to put my personal wants and needs over those of others and peer pressure. Feel like I've let myself get trampled down and it's contributed to my internal negativity, gotta set some limits, say "no" a few times and give myself more space.

[Xena]

11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Also gotten comments about (badass) changes to my body

that's gotta feel good :-)

 

11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Given recent procedures in the background, this one has evolved into a thing where I am starting to put my personal wants and needs over those of others and peer pressure. Feel like I've let myself get trampled down and it's contributed to my internal negativity, gotta set some limits, say "no" a few times and give myself more space.

I don't know why this is so hard, but it is. I think effort on this front is well worth it.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Given recent procedures in the background, this one has evolved into a thing where I am starting to put my personal wants and needs over those of others and peer pressure. Feel like I've let myself get trampled down and it's contributed to my internal negativity, gotta set some limits, say "no" a few times and give myself more space.

The power of "no" is incredible. By saying no to things, we allow ourselves to give our best to what we are best at.

[shaar]

On 11/19/2018 at 8:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Feel like I've let myself get trampled down and it's contributed to my internal negativity, gotta set some limits, say "no" a few times and give myself more space.

 

13 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

The power of "no" is incredible. By saying no to things, we allow ourselves to give our best to what we are best at.

 

I love saying no.  Love love love it.  It's one of the best gifts I can give myself, the power to choose, it's extremely liberating!

[Heidi]

On 11/19/2018 at 8:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Mental training: Given recent procedures in the background, this one has evolved into a thing where I am starting to put my personal wants and needs over those of others and peer pressure. Feel like I've let myself get trampled down and it's contributed to my internal negativity, gotta set some limits, say "no" a few times and give myself more space.

Good.

I especially like the honoring of head and heart space.

 

Nothing is too good for you, but give it to yourself anyway.

 

[RES]

On 11/19/2018 at 8:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Feel like I've let myself get trampled down and it's contributed to my internal negativity, gotta set some limits, say "no" a few times and give myself more space.

I need lessons in this...I'm horrible at it!

 

[DarK_RaideR]

1. Nutrition: Dropped down to the 82,5-83kg range and slowly getting back into the habit of logging my food on the phone app.
2. Workouts: First of the week yesterday, completed with a brand new badass t-shirt with the school's logo on, but man did it take a toll on my body! My conditioning's getting better with each training, I can tell, but a kick on my outer left thigh had me hurting like it connected with something previously swollen. Plus, you know, clinching and trading full force knee shots to the belly is bound to leave an aching sensation. This is all from last night after the workout, still waiting for the DOMS to kick in, though hopefully I'll be training again before that happens. Let's see if my body can recover in time.
3. "Quid pro quo" for housekeeping: Went nuts on Monday night and finally pulled out the kitchen to clean its sides and rear, plus any cupboard/counter space between from accumulated stains. It was actually not as bad as I expected it to be and it's certainly looking much better now, plus I know it'll be a big relief for the SRLF.
4. Bullet Journal (BuJo): Getting back into this habit as well, logged some stuff yesterday and even got some of them done.
5. Mental training: Met with a friend after training yesterday, who I'll refer to as BigSis because that's kind of the relationship we got. She's about a decade older and our lifepaths have been eerily similar, so she's a great provider of advice forged out of experience. It began on a professional level, but as we found out about each other's personal lives too, the similarities kept showing up. Anyway, she's been through a long and major depression, the kind that needed pills on top of therapy, so last time we met I asked her for a therapist to look up. Hers is fully booked (plus a good 30+ years older than me, which might have been an issue) so she wanted some time to look it up. Last night she had 3 names and phones for me, but it looks like the changes in my behavior have already started to pay off because as soon as I sat down for a beer, she told me I was obviously looking much better than the last time we met. Even though it kinda feels like I might be able to push through on my own after all, I still plan to look those therapists up, but it's been a welcome confirmation to my changes and feeling better.

[WhiteGhost]

11 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

it looks like the changes in my behavior have already started to pay off because as soon as I sat down for a beer, she told me I was obviously looking much better than the last time we met

This is a good thing.  I hope you are feeling it and not just having the appearance of it

[DarK_RaideR]

Also, I did a thing

 

[DarK_RaideR]

Oh wow, been away from this for what, 7 months now? Interesting. Anyway, I've had a sloppy last few challenges and life has been hectic trying to survive work and a bunch of mental/emotional stuff, so I'm taking a break for as long as I'll require. I don't wanna half-ass challenges or set up goals I know I won't bother trying to achieve. I do however want to keep up the good habits and keep in touch with all you wonderful nerds here, so it's back to Battle Logging for me!

 

I'm writing this fresh off seeing Alice in Chains last night, by far my favorite grunge band and the mix of excitement coupled with the emotion of their songs is an... interesting backdrop as I type out where I'm at. Speaking of which, therapy. I've been doing weekly sessions since January and things have been falling into place since. Self discovery is never an easy journey and it's extra hard for me as I was raised a single child in a way that taught me to suppress and bury all my emotions and desires. Digging stuff up is a copious process, but one that yields fruit in the long run. My relationship with my parents, which has been the main source of troubles, especially since I hooked up with my girlfriend some 3,5 years ago, has been getting better and this in turn brought some much needed peace of mind. Of course, that only means the dust settles so all the other issues can arise and be dealt with, which is where I'm kinda at right now. Mainly facing my (actual) self and some aspects of my relationship that were sidelined in order to deal with the major problem of defending it against my absolutely butthurt about it parents.

 

Needless to say, the above procedure has been absolutely draining in terms of emotional endurance and mental willpower. I've been dealing with therapy sessions, my family, the gf and a backbreaking workload so most fitness-related things have taken a back seat. If there's one thing I had to face in my fitness journey lately, it's that you need a solid foundation before attempting to achieve any ambitious goals. My eating isn't bad, but I'm not even consciously trying to eat right either and tracking calories on my app hasn't been a thing for several months now. I stopped my Muay Thai training sessions around Easter due to a combination of practical issues (schedule clashes, summer heat, lining up my eating so I don't throw up during the training, spending my already limited money on something I'd only attend once or twice a month by that point) and mental issues. At first I felt like I lacked the mental and emotional integrity to push through training, let alone sparring. Not the "I can't do another rep" kind of vibe, more of the "I might actually burst into tears while punching a bag for completely unrelated reasons" kind of vibe. Then I had a minor epiphany when I realized I'd much rather stay home and do some laundry to help the gf and improve my living space instead of spending 2,5 hours training. I'm all for consistency over motivation, but pushing past this would be outright denial. So I took a break for the summer. It's a conscious decision and one I also made last year, although last year was me making the jump from Crossfit into Muay Thai. Also, last year I at least spent that extra focus on eating right throughout the summer. This year I just need it for other things, which means my eating hasn't been as on point.

 

On top of that, smoking has been a thing for the last month or two, creeping up like these kind of things do. First a cigarette after a big argument with the gf. Then, after  days of repeated arguments, I got a tobacco pouch and kept it at work for rough times, which was a single smoke once or twice a week. Then the gf got one after a rough patch of her own and we kept it in the house. So I started having maybe one cigarette per day, during a break at work or mornings after the gf left for her job. Then came the summer music festivals and I'd do a couple of cigarettes. Then that stuck around and I found myself smoking two or three per day. Disclaimer, I am perfectly aware of it all and consciously choosing to smoke, even if I'm trying to limit my cigarette consumption. I've quit it twice in the past, both times gone cold turkey, so I'm willing and able to do so again once I get my shit in line and sort out a bunch of issues to pile up some willpower to use in this. I'm also aware that picking up the fitness ball and running with it once more is going to be a huge boost as far as this cause in concerned because man did Crossfit kick my butt for my fitness sins and that helped me stay the course.

 

So this is where I'm currently at. Recognizing the issue, admitting it and saying it out loud, first steps towards solving it, right? Like I said, I'm not looking to set any goals while Battle Logging, but there are a few things I'd like to keep in mind. Get a new scale to replace the broken old one, because tracking weight helps both me and the gf stay in line. Maybe start tracking my food once more on my app. Keep the smoking from settling in for good. Carry on with the therapist sessions. That kind of stuff.

 

Well,  that was a long and not necessarily pleasant read, so to end things on a high note, here's a photo of my cat and his new BFF, the neighbour's cat that keeps visiting our balcony to hang out.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Therapy is hard work, and worth it. I'm sorta taking a break from fitness as well till we get moved in to the new house (then God only knows what will happen when the baby comes). I've also spent a long time in therapy.

[EricMN]

I'm here for the long reads no matter how pleasant they are for you to type.

[RES]

Beautiful baby!

I know you are capable of doing whatever you set your mind to...if you need a shoulder I have two, no waiting, and decent advice if you want it.

Otherwise, know I'm always following you like a favorite stalker should  

[DarK_RaideR]

18 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Therapy is hard work, and worth it. I'm sorta taking a break from fitness as well till we get moved in to the new house (then God only knows what will happen when the baby comes). I've also spent a long time in therapy.

I'm not surprised, can't heal others if you're not healed yourself first

 

11 hours ago, EricMN said:

I'm here for the long reads no matter how pleasant they are for you to type.

Like a Force Ghost, your presence is felt around even when you don't post to make it known. I appreciate the support and your faith in me.

 

7 hours ago, RES said:

I know you are capable of doing whatever you set your mind to...if you need a shoulder I have two, no waiting, and decent advice if you want it.

Otherwise, know I'm always following you like a favorite stalker should  

Best stalker I could ever hope for! <3

I too know I'm capable, I just need to regroup first instead of chasing my tail in circles. Never thought much of my "status" or "achievements" here but apparently people have been thinking highly of me* and while I do appreciate it, sometimes it brings a bit of peer pressure with it, trying to live up to that standard and be as awesome as people believe me to be and have all this progress to report. What I'm trying to say is, I love how you phrased it because it doesn't bring any of that pressure with it. Faith in ability and potential, not the actual final results.

 

Don't have much progress to report since yesterday as far as fitness goals go. I mean, I did eat alright but nothing else past that. Therapy session did happen though and it's nice to finallly be able to talk about stuff that's not related to my parents, at least directly. Had a nice discussion sparked by the gf's final comment regarding our marriage discussion, where she said this almost feels like we're discussing a corporate merger. At the time, I thought she was calling for a bit of stereotypical romance, but it didn't make sense because she was never about the disney princess pink and roses stuff. What  this chat helped me understand is that my usual mechanism of burying emotion and processing everything through logic is at work again. Regarding my thoughts about a future with the gf, all I had to tell the therapist was "practical" stuff and it's what's making the whole issue come across as somewhat soulless, hence the "corporate merger" comment. It's not cartoonish romance she's after, it's me expressing my emotions regarding her, our relationship and our joint future. Because as long as I don't do that, for her it probably feels like we're just roommates with benefits (and a cat).

 

The other stuff we discussed had to do with what I see in the gf, what's it about her that attracts me, what's different compared to past relationships. I said she's an awesome mix of being able to make even the simplest or ugliest things feel ultra cute when she does them (but that's probably just me being in love with her) and being a dynamic personality who's sure of herself, what she wants and fights to get it. Not commanding or manipulative like my mother (so I guess no Oedipus complex there, lol) but enough to take the wheel and drive. That, in turn, pushes me to be better, more active and more focused, as opposed to past women who were so lax and unwilling they encouraged me to also take my foot off the gas. She expects more from me when it comes to being alert and taking initiative, which I know gives her a sense of security or, to phrase it the opposite way, being all over the place and complacent makes her feel insecure. That's why she's pleasantly surprised when I do stuff like some Domestic Rangering without her having to ask me to do it first, to the point where we joke about it (as in "try not to be super impressed, but I noticed there were wet clothes in the washing machine and I hung them out to dry"). That would also explain why I tried to do a similar thing when I paid off my insurance debt and expected her to be glad about it, only for her to be mad because in trying to be responsible, I ended up being more irresponsible in the greater issue of us having enough money to survive the rest of the month. Which, of course, happened right after the whole marriage discussion, meaning we were still emotionally tense and unable to handle the debt payment situation with a cooler head. Which, again, can happen and it's not a sign of problems or the end of the world. People get mad, they get angry, they lash out because they're tired or because of a completely unrelated issue that's left them drained. It doesn't have to initiate an all-out argument, nor does it have to end with someone "winning".

 

I used to be like that, argue to death over the drop of a hat, then burn all bridges and let my emotions simmer into resentment without ever really communicating what the problem actually was or giving the other party a chance to make amends. Hell, I've ended relationships on our first argument after the initial rush wore off. Couple of years ago, arguing with the gf meant shouting, then not talking to each other; she'd go to a different room and burst into tears or leave  the house to go for a walk, I'd do some house chores to avoid the awkwardness of being around her or I'd drink. The whole thing would last for days, even a week, before we'd actually talk about it. Ever since the first therapy sessions, I realized I don't need to go into panic mode when there's anger around. I don't need to try and return to peace and normality no matter the cost, nor do I need to enter a zero sum game of arguing and hurting each other. I've been way more thoughtful, caring and understanding ever since, while arguments themselves have been way less dramatic and reduced to a day's or evening's length. Last night I was talking with the gf about it and she said that's because back in a day I wasn't actually arguing because I wouldn't talk, I'd just shut her and myself down and let the tension  hang in the air as it slowly poisoned us.

 

TL;DR version, this Ranger has been venturing deep into (his inner) woods for some hardcore Druiding. Hopefully I can pull off a Gandalf and emerge stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Yes, I admit I do have a "Wall of Motivation" like @Teros does, only mine's made of posts by people saying I inspired them to do something

[aramis]

Hey Boss!

 

As soon as I can get all my three meowers in one place, I'll send your cat and his/hers friend greetings from Poland. 

 

Sounds like therapy is working, it's great. From my experience (happily married for 15 years), in long term relationship the most important thing is to discuss things. Argues happen, but the issue needs to be calmly explained as soon as emotions tone down. We try to use my grandparents' method - never go to bed angry. Even if it takes half the night to explain and understand the issue, it's worth it.

Spoiler

And, as a bonus, strong emotions may lead to great "reconcile" sex

 

And about Domestic Rangering - my favorite book about sex life ("Guide To Getting On It" by Paul Joannides) states doing house chores unasked is one of best forms of foreplay man can do. 

 

Expressing emotions is hard, I know. But learning the way someone expresses theirs is also a process. It takes time and effort to learn each other. It's not always about constantly repeating "I love you". The same message is in saying "Drive safely", in asking "Have you eaten enough today?". As you said - it's not about Disney-type romance. It's about getting old together. To do so, one needs some "corporate merger" attitude as well, so don't beat yourself too much about it. 

 

You are on a good path, and you WILL get better. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That is some dang good self-work. Keep it up.

[Sylvaa]

Can I just say that:

 

5 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Never thought much of my "status" or "achievements" here but apparently people have been thinking highly of me* and while I do appreciate it, sometimes it brings a bit of peer pressure with it, trying to live up to that standard and be as awesome as people believe me to be and have all this progress to report.

 

Totally speaks to me. #solidarity

 

I'm really glad to hear that everything is going well with the therapist and that you are feeling like you are making progress. 

[Heidi]

On 6/25/2019 at 5:14 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

you need a solid foundation before attempting to achieve any ambitious goals.

*Chefskiss