Inveniam Viam Aut Faciam

[Kage]

I've been recording my input and output since July 5th. What I've learned is that almost literally everything I've eaten in the past two months has come out of a box. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

 

I've eaten virtually nothing but veggie chicken patties and veggie sausage patties for months. My knee-jerk reaction is to hate that about myself. Instead, I'll see it, not make a fuss over it, and give it space to change on its own.

 

My commitments between July 5 and August 5:

 

-Eat a fruit or vegetable at every meal. This often takes the form of black olives or steamed green beans, but whatever. Something is better than nothing.

 

-Move purposefully for at least an hour a day. This usually takes the form of a long walk, but sometimes is as simple as cleaning.

 

-(Starting today) Put warm compresses on my eyes at least 3 times a day. This sounds ridiculous, but having fake eyes means that you touch them a lot, and touching your eyes a lot means that you get stys a lot, too. It makes me extremely self-conscious to have these bright red cysts on my eyelids. Now that I did some research and I know what to do, I'll take better care of my eyelids, thereby feeling like I'm finally doing something about it rather than just feeling uncomfortable.

 

After becoming aware of how much we're eating out of boxes, today we bought primarily fruits and vegetables at the grocery store. Rather than just fake meats, this week's menu is:

 

Breakfast: 1 banana, 1 baked veggie sausage patty, 2 scrambled eggs (no milk) 1 small handful of shredded chedder cheese, 1 whole-wheat tortilla, 1 cup of coffee with 1 teaspoon of sugar-free hazelnut creamer

 

Lunch: 2 slices of whole-wheat bread, half a sliced cucumber, 1 teaspoon of mayo, 1 slice of provolone cheese

 

Dinner: 2 slices of whole-wheat bread, half a cup of black olives, half a cup of green olives, half a cup of sliced mushrooms, half a teaspoon of olive oil for sauteing, 1 slice of provolone cheese, half a teaspoon of ranch dressing, half a teaspoon of Frank's red hot

 

Exercise: Daily 3.1 mile walk at unknown, but significant incline

 

I feel like I should make the disclaimer that this isn't perfect and yada yada yada, but then I realize that fuck it, you should be happy that I didn't, like, light myself on fire or something. SUCCESS!

[Kage]

Desirable: The new, vegetable-based food is delicious! It helps that the husband-creature has been making all the food so that I can focus on my final papers for school...

 

Undesirable: It's been about 90 degrees every day this week, and I've soooooooo not been into the whole exercising bit. I've had to force myself to get up and not be sedentary.

 

Mental health: It's surprising to me how being 90% sedentary for even just 48 hours makes me feel physically and mentally drained. If I don't keep moving, the next day I feel just awful. I would have imagined that the gap between moving less and feeling worse was wider. 5 days, at least. Not 1 or 2!

 

I have a self-care list brailled and pinned to our corkboard. I haven't followed it in a couple of weeks. Following it will definitely be on my 4-week challenge beginning in August... Right now I just need to keep moving, even though the heat makes me feel like I'm going to die of lack of energy.

[Kage]

Bad news: Sunday I celebrated finishing my masters degree with Indian food followed by half of a large deep dish pizza. (My first pizza since May. I used to get it 3 - 4 times a week.)

 

Good news: I just learned about these things called chocolate chip cookie dough Pop-Tarts, and I live a 7 minute walk from a 24 hour grocery store, but I still told myself no. I had a huge bottle of water instead. *Deep breaths*

[Kage]

Oooohhh, also, I read an entire chapter in braille today. I love to read, but I use e-books and synthesized speech because braille has a considerable cognitive load when you're first learning, so I avoid it like the plague. Plus I read at about 25 words a minute. It's very hard work for me. (I always avoid hard work. Always.) But not today!

 

I'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. I read the first chapter, which is 18 pages. Each chapter is almost exactly 18 pages. I'm not going to let myself leisure read unless I'm doing it in braille. Hopefully that keeps me plugging away at it. I figure that if I can commit to reading a chapter a day, I'll have the book finished within the next couple of weeks.

 

Which, by the way, would be the first braille book I've read since I went blind almost 11 years ago.

 

Let's do this!

[Kage]

Holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap!!!

 

I just got news that I received the internship opportunity OF A LIFETIME!

 

On one side of the street there's the best school for blind kids in the country, entirely taught by sighted teachers. On the other side of the street there's the best center for blind adults in the country, entirely taught by blind teachers. I managed to get an internship where I'll spend 3 days a week at the school and 2 days a week at the center, learning from blind and sighted teachers, working with kids and adults, people who are newly blind and people who've been blind for their entire lives, and two totally different, but complimentary teaching philosophies.

 

HOLY CRAP!!!!!

 

The best and worst part is that my professors, knowing my fitness/mental health goals, arranged it so that my internship will start in September of 2017. That means that I have a little over a year where my job, literally my only obligation outside of cleaning my house and feeding myself, will be to work on my health goals.

 

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this amount of responsibility. I'm freaking out a little bit. How the hell am I going to do this? Can I really take care of myself? This-- This is real! There's no backing out now. It's done. The slots are filled. Gaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Also, what an amazing opportunity? When else am I going to get a year to just focus on me? Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Finally, guess what? I'm a quarter of the way through my braille book! I'm going to do it! I'm going to finish my very first braille book!!!

[Kage]

I was diagnosed as a Type 2 diabetic in May of 2014. My fasting blood-sugar was 490, my A1C was 8.7. I got serious about diet changes and brought my diet from "HOLY FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF!?" to, "Mmmm, could be better, but sure could be a whole lot worse."

 

In may of 2015 my A1C was 5.6 and my fasting blood-sugar was 113.

 

I haven't checked my blood-sugar since then. For more than a year, my well-meaning doctor was saying, "You know what, you're not diabetic anymore. Checking your blood-sugar is hard for you because you can't easily match the drop of blood to the test strip? Meh, don't bother checking it. You're doing fine."

 

Then I started a daily food log and I realized just how much sugar I've brought back into my diet by way of fake meats. They're not sweet, but they're super starchy. I've been having itchy feet, sleepiness after meals, and several other signs of high blood-sugar. I decied to get a new meter, consult other blind diabetics, and really get a handle on this self-monitoring thing.

 

My fasting blood-sugar this morning was 122. This meter is known for being 20 points high, which I like. It's kind of like setting your clock five minutes ahead. Eventually you'll forget about it, and all of a sudden you'll be on time for things.

 

Fasting blood-sugar in a non-diabetic person should be between 70 - 99. I'm going to get mine to 90. I'm also going to test my A1C. I expect it to be at about 6.2, so then I'll get that back down to 5.6. I'll start testing my blood sugar after certain foods or new exercise routines, and we'll be back on our way to what's called "tight control."

 

La la la...

[Kage]

I'm going to begin writing in this every day. When I don't, my confidence in myself and my focus on health makes a slight downturn. I still eat how I want to/"should," but I don't exercise at all. This is most notable in the hot weather. When it hit 90, I turned on the fan and stopped moving altogether. But other excuses are bound to crop up. I'll be too busy, I'll be in a hotel without an accessible gym, so on and so forth. I'm going to find ways to not work out. What I need to do is to stay focused and do it anyway. I can't rely on my motivation to get me through. It has to simply be a thing I do, like eating or drinking water. A thing I have to prioritize beyond all else. Writing here daily should be a great next step.

[EmiWantsToLiftThings]

Congrats on the Masters and the Internship!  I too love Indian food and will eat until it hurts if I end up at a buffet, lol.

 

Good luck with your goals!

[Kage]

Today I'm going to take the plunge: I'm going to the gym. Even if I only end up walking on a treadmill, the fact is that I need to start somewhere. Wish me luck!

[Kage]

My internet's been down and we had a hardcore family emergency. Ugh. What a week?

 

I didn't end up getting to the gym. I did, however, go on a few warm-up walks to get my body back into the habit of movement. Something's better than nothing, I guess.

 

I want to set up an epic quest, except that part of the site is inaccessible for some reason. My computer reads a couple of random things and doesn't so much as acknowledge the rest of it. Annoying, given that I want to formulate a series of mini-goals and long-term goals. If anyone's reading this, is the basic structure: [Checkbox] [Quest Name] [XP if accomplished]?

 

Thank you for any help/thoughts/advice!

[Kage]

I've been given a mission!

 

 

*Part 1: Saturday, July 30, 2016:

Step 1: Go to lunch with healthy friend, but don't overeat. Stop at 80% full.

Step 2: Walk home, don't take the ride that will be insisted upon.

Step 3: Enter the gym on the way home

Step 4: Get another tour, but this time, check for what needs to be done to make the equipment accessible to a blind person

Step 5: Do the Beginner Bodyweight Exercises

Step 6: Head home.

Step 7: Have a healthy, protein-dense snack

 

 

*Part 2: Sunday, July 31, 2016:

Step 1: Walk to gym

Step 2: Enter Gym

Step 3: Change in the locker room

Step 4: Find an available, accessible treadmill, and walk for 1 hour

Step 5: Shower in locker room, feeling out-of-place but capable

Step 6: Change and head home

Step 7: Eat a healthy, protein-dense snack

 

What I'll need:

1. Gym bag

2. Accessible combination lock

3. Pack of tactile dots for treadmill

4. Deodorant

5. Towel

6. Gym shoes

7. Bodywash

8. Spare t-shirt, underwear, socks, gym shorts

9. Headphones

10. Brailled index card with a list of  the beginner bodyweight exercises

 

 

[Kage]

Part 1, complete!

 

Note to self: Planet Fitness is one of the first shops on the Eastern-most end of the plaza, and you can identify it by its thin, cylindrical doorhandle.

 

Good thing that I came prepared with tactile markings. It turns out that the treadmills are touch-screens. (Damn touch-screens.)

[Kage]

Desirable:

-I only drank half of my first coffee drink. It was too sweet.

-I only ate half of my hot-fudge brownie sunday. It was too sweet.

-I explored a new coffee shop

-I talked to the owner and got permission to go there and read as much as I want, provided I buy something

-I made sure to ask about their unsweetened tea options before I left

-I still managed to have half a plate of vegetables with every meal

 

Undesirable:

-Since I didn't finish my first coffee drink, I proceeded to have two additional, huge coffee drinks to make up for it

-I didn't go the gym (turns out that they need verification of my bank account that only my bank can give them, and the bank is closed until tomorrow)

-I ate totally reasonably at breakfast and lunch, then ate a lot of bread and dessert with dinner as a kind of subconscious reward

-I feel effing DISGUSTING

 

What I learned:

-I simply can't do dessert anymore, under any circumstances. It makes me feel physically awful.

-I subconsciously reward myself with starch and sugar after a period of doing well

-I need to have strictly black (unsweetened, creamless) coffee and tea. If I start, I won't stop.

My best friend openly encourages me to go against my health goals. She has the ability to self-moderate. I do not.

-Meditation, diet, and exercise need to be my top priorities. Everything else will follow.

 

What I'll do in the future:

-No dessert

-Learn to like black tea and coffee again

-Take care of myself first, then take care of everyone else.

-Going to the bank at noon tomorrow, then going to the gym at 1pm to do my bodyweight exercises and walk.

-This can't be overstated: I need to take care of myself first, then worry about other people.

 

Something to ponder:

-Why did it take me so long to stop consuming the sugar and starch even though they were making me feel sick as I was consuming them?

-Why did I give in to peer pressure when I know that my friend wouldn't actually be upset if I politely declined?

[Kage]

Part 2: Complete!!!

 

I went to the bank, got the thingy, took it to the gym, learned my way around independently-- it was great!

 

Reminder: If the accessible treadmill is being used, ask the front desk to set another one up for you. Also, make more of them accessible than just one.

 

The only thing I didn't do today that I'd half wanted to was to shower at the gym. I basically decided that I was starving and tired, and I'd already accomplished my main goal, so I'll shower there tomorrow. That's going to be something of a courage quest. Imagine how vulnerable you'd be as a blind person if you got lost in the locker-room naked and embarrassed. But I feel like it's important, and it's definitely important for me, personally, and my body-consciousness.

 

I'll go back tomorrow and walk again. I'll also shower. Then the next day I want to check out their massage tables. I'm curious what those are and how they feel.

 

Onward and upward!

[Kage]

Success! I went to the gym, walked a 5K, showered, and used their massage chairs, all in one day!

 

My feet are killing me. Tomorrow I'll walk to the UPS store (right next door to the gym) and fax something I've been avoiding, then continue on and go to a coffee shop that's about a mile and a half away. I'll get the same amount of walking in, but with a break, and plenty of time to sit and read some braille.

 

Friday I'll have had fruit or vegetables with every meal for a month. Wow!

 

Starting yesterday, August's challenge is to walk somewhere every single day. Whether it's one mile or five, this challenge will let me increase my walking skill while also increasing my mobility skill as a blind person.

 

Onward and upward!

[Kage]

Today we went back for Indian food for the 4th time in a week.

 

Desirable:

-I had a curry dish rather than a coconut cream dish in an effort to cut down on the calories

-It was DELICIOUS

-I tried something new

 

Undesirable:

-I have no idea how many calories I took in, or even how to find out for the future

-I rewarded my good behavior with dessert again (rice pudding, also delicious)

-I had a feeling of disatisfying incompletion before ordering dessert

 

What I learned:

-Have a plan of attack

-Ask how something is made rather than choosing not to know

-go out to eat a set number of times each month; not whenever you're bored and hungry

-If we really want Indian food that badly, we can always split a meal

 

Something to think about:

-Why did I feel so incomplete before ordering dessert? Do I want to ignore that feeling in the future? Do I want to embrace it? Do I want to eliminate it?

 

 

[Kage]

Today we met with a local advocacy group for LGBT youth. It's the only one in our county, and quite possibly the only one in our state. It was amazing. I'll start volunteering with them tomorrow. And then we walked the two miles home, learning as we went. It was 91 and I was wearing a jacket. It was very, very warm.

 

Desirable: We did it. We'll do it again. We'll love it.

 

Undesirable: I had two frozen tea lattes and a muffin.

 

What I learned:

-That muffin was fuckin' delicious.

-Next time, get the egg sandwich minus bacon

-And the cold-brew black coffee, even with a flavor, would be way less sugar and milk than the latte situation.

 

4 days in and I'm feeling strong. I can do this.

[Kage]

Friday evening through Monday morning was vacation. There was fun, there was food, there was drama, and there was something extra... something... new.

 

I didn't just have fun. I do that once in a while. What happened is that I realized how little I have fun in my everyday life.

 

I've always struggled with depression and anxiety. This, though, is deeper. There's something wrong, and I'm not sure what. But something has to change.

 

I don't feel like me.

 

Desirable:

-I had a salad at the amusement park

-Otherwise, I ate as poorly as I possibly could, but stopped when I was full

-For once, I didn't mind eating fried foods and creamy milkshakes. I gave it its space, didn't like it, was pleased that I didn't like it, and moved on

-I walked for probably 15 miles in two days

 

Undesirable:

-Something feels off. It's not just coming home from vacation. Something feels... wrong.

-I don't know how to have fun anymore. I don't know who I am.

-I'm scared.

-I know I'll be okay, but I don't know who I'll be once I get there

-I can finally see just how unhappy I am, but I don't know what to do about it

-My cell phone shattered and our only computer literally broke in half in the same 24 hours (I'm typing this on a laptop that's been duct-taped together. It can't close, and the screen is only connected to the keyboard by half of one hinge)

-I can't find any books to read, but I feel like I need something to make things feel clearer.

 

There's more. There's so much more. I need friends, I need hobies... I need... I need me. And I don'tk now who that is anymore.

[Wufkar]

Hey buddy,

 

Life happens. We have periods where we have lots of fun and periods where we don't. For me, figuring out what I have a passion towards helps me be happier.

It's not a quick process for sure, but it's one that can work. I'm here if you need to talk.

[Kage]

Wufkar, thank you. You're the best.

 

Desirable

-I've walked somewhere every day fo more than two weeks. Going to the grocery store no longer seems like a big deal.

-I'm ordering better at restaurants

-I finally have a new computer! An Asus Transformer T100 HA. Simple, tiny, and everything I've ever needed in a machine.

 

Undesirable

-I walk every day... and I reward myself with more food.

 

-Somewhere in the middle

-My identity is really changing. I actually had something of a coming out with a few of my family members. I explained that as much as I don't like it, the fact is that I no longer like sweets, coffee, or inactivity, and instead, I like salads, tea, and moving.

 

This whole thing feels like uncharted territory. Thankfully, now I have my NerdFitness peeps back to do some soul-searching.

[Kage]

This morning I had something of a breakdown. Husband-creature and I planned to have a movie day, which translates to bingewatching comedies while bingeeating sugar until we fall asleep. Instead, my brain went into panic mode because I realized that I didn't want sugar, and I was actively against the idea.

 

My identity has been wrapped up in being a sugar addict since I was a kid. My need for large amounts of sugar underscores my friendships, family relationships-- everything. Food was my life. More specifically, dessert was my life. But somehow, I'm becoming someone who likes healthy food, moderation, and physical activity. Sugar is somewhat revolting to me. The revelation was horrifying.

 

After being talked down by some of you lovely people, I sampled potato chips, a brownie, a swallow of Dr. Pepper, and a slice of pumpkin pie. All my old trigger foods. Historically, having any of these things resulted in a week-long food binge where I'd eat everything and anything I could get my hands on. Several pies, dozens of brownies... you get the idea.

 

Today, though, I couldn't have cared less. I appreciated the taste of the pumpkin pie, but I was totally satisfied after a few large bites. The Dr. Pepper and brownies were sickeningly sweet. The chips were the most enjoyable, but I was still fine after a few handfuls, rather than the whole bag.

 

StarGazer said something that I'm still chewing on-- (Ha, see what I did there?) he said, "You don't have to be the fat, nerdy gay boy anymore. Now you can be the strong nerdy gayboy, the fast nerdy gayboy, or the limber nerdy gayboy-- whatever interests you."

 

Who do I choose to be? I'm no longer the fat sugar addict, and I'm becoming someone who loves healthy food and being physically active. How can I embrace the nerdy gayboy aspects of my personality and build other attributes around them? It really seems as simple as listening to my body-mind situation and seeing what happens. that's exciting-- exilerating, even-- and more than a little frightening. This is totally uncharted territory. I have no idea what I'm doing.

 

But like in a video game or a great book, the fun is in the finding out, right?

 

Thanks, everyone, for all of your help this morning. That was one of those conversations that makes a person who they are. I really appreciate it. I'll pay it forward at every opportunity.

 

Bows and high-fives,

Kage

 

[Haikoo]

So glad you're feeling better now! 

 

Can wait to see who you will be!

[Wufkar]

Change your perspective, point your nerdy gayboy drive at healthy things. like dark chocolate, or sweet potatoes or brussel sprouts.

When someone comments about it, just smile like you do when they comment about whatever your fandoms are. It's part of you

[Kage]

Wufkar, I can't believe I didn't see your response before now. I love what you said. It's a part of me.

 

Okay, I lied. I can totally believe that I didn't see your response. I've been more than a little awol this past month.

 

We got the dog, but he had a lot of puppy energy so my parents agreed to take him for three months because they have a huge backyard and an older lab for him to play with. Instead, my parents gave him away a few days into having him, let us know after the fact, and now we'll never see him again. My parents and I are no longer speaking. This isn't the first time they've done something like this. I was being too optimistic about their behavior.

 

Losing the dog put me into a hardcore depression. I cried. A lot. And I never cry. It ended up being a blessing in disguise in so far as I finally started looking at what I truly need in life. (People like my parents are no longer on that list.)

 

I canceled my few remaining obligations and became an official practice resident, or a Buddhist-monk-in-training. I was given a schedule by the monks and I follow it right alongside them. I sit for six-and-a-half hours a day, do bookstudy, attend dharma talks, cook, clean, and do interviews with the head monk. I keep busy, but in a ood way.

 

My goal today is to begin writing my own Epic Quest of Awesome. I've already made some great changes, but then as soon as I finish the quest, I go right back to the bad habits of before. I didn't have delivery for 3 months. Then, as soon as I could, I went right back to having about a third of my meals delivered. No joke.

 

My October quest is no restaurant food. From now on, I'm going to carry my goals over from one month into the next, building rather than simply experimenting.

 

Something else that's happened is I realized that being a special ed teacher isn't for me. I've done it because I felt I should, not because I actually wanted to. Instead, I've decided... drum roll please... to become a civil rights attorney. I take my LSAT on December 3rd and I begin law school in September of 2018. I'll spend the time between now and then monking it up and doing my student teaching in the Fall of 2017. I had my interview yesterday and the interviewer seemed very happy with me.

 

Oh, something else! I decided to bring back Facebook! Rather than feeling alone and isolated, I have friends and monks only a click away. I have a small, tightly-knit community available virtually 24/7. I love it!

 

Today I'll begin writing my epic quest of awesome. I have a life that needs livin'  

[Kage]

*Level 1: October, 2016

Go One month without eating at a a restaurant

Prepare 1 new meal a week for 4 weeks

Do the beginner bodyweight exercises every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for a month

Take an hour-long walk every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday for a month

 

I'll update this on Fridays and whenever I see an obstacle looming out of the darkness to attack me. Because teamwork!