heidi Heidi love 2016.07

[Heidi]

Hey.

Psst!

Yeah, you.

Do you want to know a secret?

Come, pull up a chair, scooch it close; let me tell you what I know. It won’t take long, because it isn’t much: LOVE IS GREATER THAN FEAR. Let me pour you some tea while you think that over, because that’s it; that’s all I know.

I have spent a lifetime looking for answers, thinking I found them, watching them crumble or dissolve or simply disappear. But not love; never love. And it’s possible that the Beatles were right all along, that love really is all you need.

Now, I’m not talking about the kind of love when a seventeen year old boy kisses a sixteen year old girl on a summer evening. That’s amazing and all, but that’s not the universe-centering sort of love that I’m on about. I’m talking about the love that comes from the core of your body and radiates into everything, without end, beyond the outer edges of Kuiper belt, still going strong, without taking anything out of you, never depleting, only connecting and lifting you higher. That kind of love softens everything before it, warms everything it touches, breathes life and fresh air all around. And it’s ours, whenever we want it. It is there in the grass, in every argument, no matter how far off track we have gotten. It is there in the wind, in the rain, in cubicle farm.

Take a sip of tea. Love is in there too, and if you feel for it, you can feel fear and hurt recede, melt away.

 

This challenge is about living in love, that kind of love, every day, even when I’m angry or hurting. Especially when I’m angry and hurting.

 

Join me, if you care too. It’s simple; it’s free. It’s not exactly easy, but what is that is worthwhile?

Either way, enjoy the tea.

[DarK_RaideR]

Dat intro. I need to screenshot, print and read it every day.

 

HAI THAR! Following of course.

[Heidi]

4 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Dat intro. I need to screenshot, print and read it every day.

 

HAI THAR! Following of course.

Ah, dear Ranger. 

Good to have you along.

[Heidi]

Last Saturday left me spent, drained, depleted. And then the week got hard.

I have the opportunity this challenge to restore, replenish, refocus and renew, to rest and honor that I possessed great strength when it was needed.

It is time to recover from the deployment.

 

Friday we went to the gym and then poked around a field. It was more walking than hiking, but a good mile and a half through tall grass was grounding for me.

Saturday after class we went up to the Jefferson Pools for a wonderful soak, and Sunday was a complete rest day.

This morning was yoga in the home studio before running some essential errands.

Much love, dear reader.

May you feel the Universe by you side as you go about your day. 

[Jakkals]

I am having trouble with the love thing. 

 

So like always I am following along hoping some will leak over.

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, Jakkals said:

I am having trouble with the love thing. 

 

So like always I am following along hoping some will leak over.

I hear you. Love is so simple that I can screw it up in a heartbeat (pun intended).

This evening I have had to let go of an issue I didn't even realize I was holding, and this morning I had to let go of a whole file cabinet of related fears, all tied up with money and security. 

 

Living in love is not easy or natural for us, conditioned as we were to doubt and mistrust.

I release fear.

I lay down my sword, my shield and strip off my armor, litter the path of my past with its war-dented kibble.

I walk gently, languid in the light, nearly naked.

 

[Heidi]

Another day filled with opportunities to unpack my own stuff: I have security issues and am a big scaredy cat about getting my feelings hurt, so much so that I'm willing to be angry and blow up instead of admit that I am hurt (not that any of that makes me less hurt, of course, please make a note of how deeply ineffective this tactic is despite repeated uses over the past several decades).

 

I relinquish fear.

I accept that having feelings means being tender and vulnerable.

I walk in love, for there is nothing that I need that I don't have; there is nothing that anyone can take from me.

 

And now, dinner.

It was market day, so there is fresh corn, an indulgence for our house that is rare, and grass fed steak, fresh peaches, local ice cream with blueberries or blackberries as we choose.

 

Life is good.

[DarK_RaideR]

8 hours ago, Heidi said:

Another day filled with opportunities to unpack my own stuff: I have security issues and am a big scaredy cat about getting my feelings hurt, so much so that I'm willing to be angry and blow up instead of admit that I am hurt (not that any of that makes me less hurt, of course, please make a note of how deeply ineffective this tactic is despite repeated uses over the past several decades).

This is something I can totally relate to. Being a non-confrontational person, this can either be anger or silence and personal seclusion. Your wisdom is touching, humbling and resonates through your posts.

[Heidi]

Kindness will take you very far today. It's not a show of weakness or inferiority to engage in that random act of kindness. Think of it as acting out of generosity of spirit. The bigger your heart today, the more respect and cooperation will come your way. Make sure your kindness is genuine and from a genuine place. Then you're virtually unassailable.

 

[Heidi]

First things first for a busy day ahead: went to the gym, and the number of the day was 10.

10@4 inclined sit ups

20@4 twisted angels. I meant to do 10, but got lost in the music.

10@7.5#(l,r): swimmers press, back scratchers, fly, standing skull crushers

20 minute sauna meditation.

 

Today's schedule includes meeting with a new therapist later this morning and then court with an ex in the early afternoon. I am taking my kindness and big heart with me, because love is greater than fear.

[maegs]

[Heidi]

Wednesday: The new therapist seems to be a good match. Nearly two hours of talking about real issues left me drained yet optimistic about what we could accomplish together. Then court was an hour-long waiting game that culminated in getting a postponement since my ex is suing me for custody. What the everlasting? And this on the heels of finding out that my younger son is hanging out with the ex, while my mom and dad eat the food I take to their house for the boys. It's all very wearisome, and it took a toll on my still-tender heart.

 

Thursday morning dawned on early morning yoga therapy, a much-needed boost of love and safety and compassion. The afternoon was a lunch interview for a paper I'm writing and then acupuncture again for the heart and strong emotions. A hand of cards before heading downtown to talk with an attorney for my pending cases, then dinner of fresh shrimp scampi with dill and fennel from the gardens.

 

Yoga this morning maybe. I have ten essays and a final paper to write today for the last week of class.

[Heidi]

Yoga this morning was perfect.

The plumber arrived just as I was contemplating a nap instead of writing -- corpse pose is seductive like that!! --so it was just the impetus I needed to get in gear and head to my office, where I found a lovely card from my partner.

 

I'm still not certain what I will write today, but I feel centered.

[Heidi]

Ten essays, complete and delivered.

Registration form for fall term filled out and ready to deliver to campus on Monday.

 

I still have the final paper to write, but it's not due until 9 in the morning, so I'm feeling pretty solid -- I might go see a movie with my partner tonight.

 

Yesterday I had the opportunity to unpack a lot, and to look at the fact that I'm afraid of my ex. It's really silly, when I put it in the light, because I'm afraid of him emotionally and physically, but there really isn't any harm that he can do me on either front. I know that, intellectually, but I'm still trying to get my heart to know that as well. 

 

[maegs]

10 essays is so many! How long were they?! 

 

I hope your family stuff gets sorted out, and soon <3 

[Heidi]

57 minutes ago, maegs said:

10 essays is so many! How long were they?! 

 

I hope your family stuff gets sorted out, and soon <3 

The essays ranged from 1 to 4 pages each, most being two chock-full pages.

The final paper was four pages because I simply stopped writing and hit print.

 

 

[Heidi]

The family stuff took a dramatic turn last night when I received a letter from the ex's attorney with notification of being accused of being unstable, unfit, unsafe and mentally ill. I will take it to my attorney on Monday. The up side is that it will all get resolved, now that he has decided to make a Huge Deal of Everything about it.

 

Summer seminar is over.

I'm off for a nap.

[maegs]

Wow, that is... certainly a lot. Glad you're (trying to?) look on the bright side of it being over soon 

[Heidi]

53 minutes ago, maegs said:

Wow, that is... certainly a lot. Glad you're (trying to?) look on the bright side of it being over soon 

Thank you, sweet Maegs.

I will find a way through, because the only other option is to quit altogether, and i'm not down for that.

[Heidi]

Here, take a break.

Meditation

[Teros]

On 7/22/2016 at 4:57 PM, Heidi said:

Yesterday I had the opportunity to unpack a lot, and to look at the fact that I'm afraid of my ex. It's really silly, when I put it in the light, because I'm afraid of him emotionally and physically, but there really isn't any harm that he can do me on either front. I know that, intellectually, but I'm still trying to get my heart to know that as well. 

 

 

This is why I said when I was with you a year ago, that I wouldn't want to meet him face to face because I would want to hurt him.  I remember asking you about how you just feel 'ok' when around him because it baffled me.

[Heidi]

Feeling very quiet and inward today after a troublesome night,emotionally.

Everything will be well.

The universe loves me and wants me to be happy.

[Heidi]

Putting together the structure for the first issue of the Compass today.

It's looking pretty good, actually. 

I also found a printer that I really want, but it's so swish that I have to call or write for a price quote.

 

No. Really. Tell me again.

 

 

So I'm going to outsource the printing until the foundation has enough street cred to crowd fund the printer. It'll all be fine. Wonderful. Grand, even.

 

Also, on a completely different note, I did some research (because, you know, that's what I do) and found an all-online Library Science degree program. And I'm working on my application -- it doesn't need to be submitted until December or so, as I want to start in September 2017. It'll take a couple years, but that's ok. 

 

Also, I planned out the wall space for where to hang my degrees in my study. No, not the ones I don't have yet, silly! 

 

The ones I already have are stacked up, and I was thinking that it's high time that they had a place on the wall.

But clearly I need yet another degree because: 

 

 

So that whenever someone asks me what I'm going to DO with all this education, I can be all

and then go back to:

 

 

[Heidi]

GAH!!!
I'm having trouble putting the pages together in the magazine so as to create a decent flow.

I have the sections, but i'm stumbling around with the order of it all. 

 

Probably a good sign that it is time to walk away from the desk.

[Heidi]

What the hell?

I thought I was going to have to really work to have twelve pages.

It looks as though the whole magazine is going to be around 48 pages.

Every month.

And that IS the stripped down version.