Marriage is getting some beating over fitness

[poison_ivy]

Hello guys! 

 

I'm new to the forum, so I very much apologize if I'm posting in the wrong section, but this one seemed like the most appropriate one. I've been having issues with my husband over fitness, and I ran out of ideas as to how to resolve them. I know no one can do that for me, obviously, but some advice and hints would be very much appreciated. 

 

I've been a fitness enthusiast for a little over two years now. I've always been in good shape, but recently I picked up more advanced stuff to get even leaner and stronger. However, due to high intensity of the workouts, I only do it for 15-20 minutes a day max, so that I could spend more time doing other important things. My husband has had issues with picking up fitness. Working out makes him somehow sad, aggrevated, miserable, and angry. Of course, not to the point of aggression. Absolutely not. He just gets so depressed that he has to lie down on the bed and sleep. Sometimes for hours. Right after workout, when I try to cheer him on it, he just spits out the saddest "thanks," and then he just stares in the distance for a while before he goes to sleep. He's super supportive of my activity, but he's not excited about doing it himself at all, and he usually says he wants to do it because it's good for him. "You don't have to be excited for something that's good for you"- he'd say. 

 

When he asked me for advice as for what to eat, I gave him some hints and told him what works for me personally. However, whenever he'd try any of my advice, he'd feel even worse. He doesn't enjoy simple foods like I do (whole wheat tortillas with some turkey, tomatoes, avocado, sour cream, for example), so whenever I even want to make something for him out of pure care and enjoyment, he'll ask, "Do I have to eat all of it?" I felt like a balloon that someone has just deflated. He's a HUGE food enhusiast, so whenever something healthy lands on his plate, he looks like he's eating survival food, not food that he enjoys. Any advice I give him, he takes SO MUCH into his heart, that nothing else seems to exist. He will stuff himself with food he doesn't enjoy, do a workout he hates, and then pretend to be happy just to make me content. And that's obviously not how it works. I never even force him to exercise. Not even close to that. 

 

We went to dinner last night, and all he was doing while we were at the table, was looking at his phone doing research as to "what to eat," "when to exercise," etc. I suggested he did research earlier in the day, so that he could figure out what would fit him best, and he just started doing it right away, as I was looking at him and hoping for some quality time together. He ate three bites of his dinner, and he said he had to be done to lose weight (he's not even obese- he's tall- 6'2 and weighs 216 lbs) I said I understand, but he also can't starve himself. He's doing intermittent fasting, which naturally would need him to eat a little more than usual since he fasts for longer than normally just overnight.  

 

At home he sits at his computer for hours, "doing research." I sit in the other room staring at my phone and looking at random stuff to pass the time. I was really sad. I don't see him for over 10 hours daily due to work, and now he even plans to go out after work to do some activities, so that I don't "see him sad and depressed" after his workouts. I miss him enough in that 10 hour frame, so seeing him gone for so much longer is even harder on me. 

 

We have a very open relationship, and we talk widely about everything that bothers us. He seems to be happy with his decision, and he doesn't see my point whenever I say I wish we spend more time together instead of looking stuff up all the time. In general, we're a super happy couple, but it's been going down rapidly lately, and I have no idea what to do. 

 

Should I just tell him to stop it? Or should I just let him do whatever he wants, so that he later on understands himself that we're losing connection? 

 

Sorry this is so long, but it's been really worrying me... 

 

Thank you in advance for your responses, guys. 

 

 

 

 

[Evicious]

How long has this been going on? Also, has he ever done the "healthy things" (working out, dieting, etc.) before, or is this the first time he's become interested?

[poison_ivy]

12 minutes ago, Evicious said:

How long has this been going on? Also, has he ever done the "healthy things" (working out, dieting, etc.) before, or is this the first time he's become interested?

 

This has been going on for about a week or so. Just getting progessively worse, so I'm even afraid to give him fitness tips. And yes! Back in 2008 he used to be a runner, he was also going to the gym and eating super healthily. Back then he was a public entertainer, so he wanted to stay in shape. He still said he hated it, but he wanted to do it to be presentable. I wasn't with him back then. Now it seems like he's starting to get back to it to keep up with me (?) I have no idea... After he stopped, he got used to eating A LOT, just because eating feels good. Now trying to get back in shape for him is an absolute torture, and it makes me feel horrible too. When I asked him if he were sure he wanted to do it, he said yes because "he should." There's no desire in it whatsoever... :/ 

[Evicious]

Ok. That helps put things in perspective. I'm going to give a couple of observations, from my own point of view and personal experiences, about several factors I think are relevant.

 

• Motivation. I personally agree with him in this regard: I don't believe you have to be motivated by enjoyment in order to do something. It is certainly preferable to enjoy doing something that benefits you; but it is not truly necessary in order for you to accomplish it. It is possible to be motivated by other means, such as disappointment or anger. Also, doing something you don't want to do but that needs to be done, demonstrates self-discipline - something that can be very difficult to cultivate even when you are motivated. So right away, I think your man is already on a good path to get where he wants to be.
• Mindset. It doesn't sound like he's quite gotten over the "collecting underpants" mindset. At this point (a couple of weeks in), that's honestly very normal. It may seem excessive to you, because you're already comfortable and happy with your training and diet habits. You don't need to do any more research, because all the current information is old news to you. But it's been a while since he played this game. It sounds to me like he's catching up on the "new edition" of fitness, and really trying to wrap his head around all the possible paths he could take on this journey. I'd equate it to going back to a city you used to live in, after being away for a couple of years. Most of the scenery is the same, but there are also lots of things that have changed from what you remember - the old cafe is closed; there's a bunch of new businesses in the old shopping center; maybe there's even new roads and suburbs now instead of the woods you grew up playing Robin Hood in with your friends. If you've been away long enough, the entire town might have grown into a whole new city that you barely recognize. It can be intimidating, even if the changes are small, and if you're the kind of person who'd rather get a map than simply go out exploring, odds are good you're going to take the time to study that map as often as possible.
• Emotional reaction. You mentioned that you've "always been in good shape". In my mind, that translates into "I've never been in bad shape". If that's the case, then I'd like you to think back to a time when you were "ok" at a particular activity, but later on down the road you realized that you had lost your ability to perform that activity and were now "pretty bad" at it. I'm going to guess that you may have felt fairly depressed when you realized what you'd lost. That's a very normal reaction to have for that situation. And it sounds to me like that's the situation your man has found himself in... and that's the emotional reaction he's having because of it. Of course he's depressed about trying to get back into a healthy lifestyle. Every time he works out, it sucks double life-lemon cock: because not only is working out a difficult activity to convince yourself to do, he's probably also remembering how much easier it used to be to do the same damn things he's sucking at now. And every time he sits down to eat, he's having to remind himself just how out of shape he is now - and right now, making the "healthy" choice for his diet probably seems like a punishment for it. From my own experience, it all sounds very normal to be incredibly sad about everything fitness-related, and just want to go to sleep afterwards. If I had had the option to do that, I would've spent the first several months at the beginning of my journey buried under my comforter and my cats.

So as far as how he's handling this, I don't personally see anything alarming or out-of-the-ordinary. Having said that, I'd like to address how you're handling it. I assure you, your fears and discomfort are also very normal in this particular situation. It's always a little scary when your partner seems to have diverted from their normal patterns of behavior. Seriously: human beings are hardwired to notice patterns. Patterns are safe: they tell us what's happening, what's going to happen, and we learn to react in ways that keep the pattern safe. So when someone we're exceptionally close to suddenly changes their patterns, it's an instinctual reaction to begin looking for ways to reassert the "norms". I'm guessing he isn't normally a depressed Sad Panda; watching him feel that way must be very difficult for you. But if you've talked with him about it (and it sounds like you have), and he says this is something he wants to do (even when he clearly doesn't feel like doing any of it), then I would encourage you to stand by him in spite of your own misgivings. Encourage him when you can: be patient; be helpful; cheer for him every opportunity you get. And when encouraging feels like the wrong thing to do, commiserate instead. Getting in shape sucks, especially in the beginning - but it sucks even more when you're actually starting over.

 

He may make some mistakes - like eating too little when he's already trying intermittent fasting - but those are his mistakes to make. Keep an open dialogue with him on what his goals are, and what he's doing to achieve them. If something sounds unhealthy, tell him why you think it's not a good idea and let him know that you'll be keeping an eye out for any signs he's hurting rather than helping himself. But remember that this is his path to walk, and the best thing you can do for him is to simply be there for him.

 

And yes, that includes letting him spend time pursuing his goals when you'd much rather be simply relaxing with him. You may find he'd be happy to have you along for his after work activities; if not, that's also his prerogative. Give him time to find his balance. It's only been two weeks since he decided to overhaul his life (which is a huge change, btw): let him be passionate and miserable on his own, at least for a little bit. Ask yourself honestly: why are you worried that you're not spending more time together? How much more time together do you want? How much do you honestly need? Are you concerned that if you don't spend X amount of time together a day, your relationship will end? Why do you think that would happen? Etc. Then, if you feel you have a legitimate reason for insisting on "more" time spent together, talk with him about it.

 

I write all of the above in the context of my own marriage, which has similar properties as you describe in yours. I was once the individual struggling to get back into shape (still am, actually - but my outlook has brightened considerably from what it was at the beginning); my husband was (and will forever be) the person in our relationship who is stressing about how everything could affect our marriage. From my perspective, our relationship is rock-solid. Your husband may feel the same way... but you should probably ask him, just to be sure.

 

Oh, and lastly - take him at his word. That's the most important part, in my opinion: because if you continue to poke and prod "just to make sure" everything is alright, after he assured you that it was... you're essentially telling him you don't believe him. So just remind yourself to trust him. That's the foundation of every relationship anyway.

[Trixie Falsae]

I'm a bit concerned with him becoming depressed so often to the point he is avoiding you. Is it possible he sees your increasing fitness goals and encouraging him as a rejection? Is he genuinely depressed and using this as a cover? My husband is takes me mentioning anything about his weight/diet/fitness very personally and will skip meals, and become very sullen and claim he is doing it for me. He skips meals when he is depressed in general. I've learned that I have to focus on my health and let him make his own decisions on his. I am more than happy to answer questions but I don't bring anything up, even when he sits down with a tub of ice cream and goes to town.

 

You may benefit from talking about the how/what/why he feels the way he does. Let him know he has your love and support no matter what and let him take it from there.

[CalebTheTiger]

I am that guy! I'm starting a new blog soon called "We Hate Fitness", because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. My wife is seriously into fitness and healthy living - I'm just not. I enjoy the feeling of being fit and healthy, but I bore easily of the process and I never get that "high" that people talk about when they work out. People who like going to the gym just annoy me. I can't relate at all.

 

I also LOVE food. I get depressed when we have soup for dinner or something basic - I need some spice in my life. Realizing that eating healthy didn't have to be depressingly dismal was a huge breakthrough for me. 

 

I recommend getting a paleo (or other diet) meal plan that focuses on fancy or creative recipes. If your husband enjoys cooking (like I do), let him cook the healthy food - also don't get legalistic about it. Not everything has to be the most healthy. If he uses olive oil instead of coconut oil, that's fine. Baby steps.

 

Also, part of the We Hate Fitness brand is about incorporating comedy into fitness. We want people to have fun while they workout and realize that you don't have to like the work out but you can still have fun while you do it. We also love "cheats" at WHF. Cheats are giving yourself permission to go "off program" and eat a candy bar or splurge on sundae. One of the best ways to do it is to have a set day that is always cheat day. You can also "win" a cheat by meeting a certain goal.

 

With people like me (and your husband), rules have to go out the window. My wife does a good job of helping me get my workout done my way - so I'm not always doing it right, but i'm making progress. Same with meal plans and diets. Strict rules will burn us out SO FAST! Just be loose and make it as fun and personalized as possible.

 

I've come to believe that there is no right way or one-size-fits-all approach to staying healthy. For some people, they need rigid steps to follow and stay on track. For people like me, we need less rules and more fun. We need creativity and something tailored to us. 

I also recommend just loving your husband through it. If he loves something unhealthy, do it with him once in a while. Keep him interested in wanting to be healthy by letting him know it's ok to be unhealthy sometimes. Reward him for being healthy, but don't penalize him for not being healthy.

I hope that helps. It's what I would want.