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Severine Survives July & Plans For A Somewhat Drastic Change


Severine

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You are all seriously completely amazing. And probably right about everything, as usual.

 

So this post is going to be partially responding to the stuff you said, but first, it's time for another episode of "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" in the life of Severine.

 

This morning I was harvesting when I got a text from L informing me that the contractor working on our retaining wall just accidentally hit the water line and the sewer line. Awesome, FML. So then I'm making phone calls to the contractor and the city water department and trying to sort shit out while also getting harvest finished on time, and worrying about L who's back at home and really doesn't have the energy to be doing things like showing city inspectors into the basement to turn off the water. Long story short, after lots of annoyance and calling people, we have a temporary supply of water coming from our neighbor's house via a garden hose (no I am not kidding) and the sewer pipe is patched well enough to get it to tomorrow, when they're going to actually replace both lines.

 

So we handled it, but...UGH. Seriously? We really did not need another thing. My head hurts and I'm tired and I just want to skip ahead a couple months to when all of this shit is hopefully sorted out.

 

@Kvedulf thanks for the kind words. I'm sad to hear that my feelings of dismay seem familiar but I also really appreciate your support and empathy, and I think we both stand a better chance of getting through our respective challenges with sympathetic and understanding people. Also, I know you're really into various Japanese cultural stuff, so wanted to tell you that part of my plan for getting myself more organized and on top of all this nonsense involves getting a Hobonichi Techo - very famous in Japan and exactly what I was looking for. It arrived today and I'm really excited. I decided to go back to an analog organization system because my online calendar just isn't the same. There's something soothing about a physical book where I can doodle and make notes and see it fill up as the weeks go by. And I am much more likely to write stuff down that go through the hassle of typing it in on my phone. Also it's absolutely beautiful and ordered and it just makes me happy to hold it.

 

@fleaball you're totally right about the negative phrasing. I think partly the problem is that I really do feel disappointed in myself and it comes out in my language, and part of the problem is that one of my coping mechanisms is humour so I end up trying to make light of all the nonsense going on and how sub-par my responses are, so what part of my brain thinks is saucy self-deprecation for levity ends up looking, to other parts of my brain and also to other people, like plain old self-deprecation. You're right that it's not useful, and probably doing bad things to my brain patterns, and I need to try to work on it. Brain, why are you so unhelpful sometimes? 

 

@Bookish Badger the rain dance made me smile, so that's something! And yeah, I've shelved the C25K goal for a future challenge. I think right now I am just going to focus on trying to get my eating/caffeine intake to more reasonable patterns, because that should have a domino effect on my sleeping and thereby on my general energy level and mood. 

 

@Owlet (and everyone) - I am going to come back and keep posting! For sure. I'm even going to make time this weekend, as much as I can, to catch up on people's threads because I am really curious about how everyone is doing and plus I often find that seeing other people's success, or even just their sensible plans for dealing with setbacks, is really motivating.

 

@Dagger you're right that I definitely don't want to turn fitness/health/general self-improvement into a negative thing that I hate doing because it's always looming over me unforgivingly demanding to be worked on even when I am utterly out of energy. So yeah, I guess I just need to admit that right now I am in a kind of "just surviving" mode. Maybe if I can admit that to myself (ugh, which is so hard) I can focus on surviving in a slightly more healthy and self-caring way than I have been before. Like maybe less caffeine and more vegetables.

 

To everyone, thanks so much. It means a lot to feel like I can be myself and mess up and still have people rooting for me.

 

 

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Dear Severine's life: what the actual fuck. Stop it. 

 

11 minutes ago, Severine said:

you're totally right about the negative phrasing. I think partly the problem is that I really do feel disappointed in myself and it comes out in my language, and part of the problem is that one of my coping mechanisms is humour so I end up trying to make light of all the nonsense going on and how sub-par my responses are, so what part of my brain thinks is saucy self-deprecation for levity ends up looking, to other parts of my brain and also to other people, like plain old self-deprecation. You're right that it's not useful, and probably doing bad things to my brain patterns, and I need to try to work on it. Brain, why are you so unhelpful sometimes? 

Oh I totally feel you. No judgment here becaus that's how I roll too. But after getting frowned at by my therapist every time I say "lol i suck at life" and having to explain "no I don't really suck, I mean X" I've become more aware of when I'm saying things like that just for the sake of not saying it so I don't have to get frowned at and explain myself. And istg it's changing the way I think. Teeny baby steps, but it's a thing. Brains in general are more trouble than they're worth, I swear.

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I know I'm late to the game again... but I wanted you to know you were missed and you've been in my thoughts!

 

I am so glad you're back! But I am so sorry you've had such a rough time. :/ 

 

I really relate to what you said about not wanting to post about how badly you're doing. I'm right there with ya! But I think it's important to do it also. It's important to understand there is good AND bad and all of us struggle. It's what makes you human and relatable. I don't go around chasing other people's failures, but it does help keep things in perspective when you see someone else being honest with a situation. And that situation you're in SUCKS. You got sucker-punched big time, and the punches haven't stopped yet. Show yourself some grace, cuz you are amazing. You are strong and spunky and I know you're tired, but you're still such a huge inspiration. 

 

Basically, to echo everyone else: We're here to support and encourage. You will find no shaming here. Hope all that junk smooths out a bit so you can catch a break. 

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9 hours ago, durfette said:

Show yourself some grace, cuz you are amazing. You are strong and spunky and I know you're tired, but you're still such a huge inspiration. 

I second this.

 

10 hours ago, Severine said:

So yeah, I guess I just need to admit that right now I am in a kind of "just surviving" mode.

Gosh, that is so hard. To admit that at times the most important thing is to just be kind to yourself. That sometimes there isn't anything more.

 

I have a cloth scroll on my wall that I bought at Portland's (OR) Japanese garden that says "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection — Buddha". I hung that in my hall so I will always be reminded but also so all my guests would see it and remember for themselves.

 

And I'm sure you know that I have struggled with being kind to myself these last few months. We all struggle with this.

 

9 hours ago, durfette said:

It's important to understand there is good AND bad and all of us struggle.

@durfette hit a lot of nails on the head.

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16 hours ago, Severine said:

my plan for getting myself more organized and on top of all this nonsense involves getting a Hobonichi Techo - very famous in Japan and exactly what I was looking for.

 

Ohhh, another shiny new planner to explore *bookmarks site*

 

15 hours ago, Owlet said:

Sending watery vibes your way (via the sky, not the water line dammit!)

 

No kidding! That is not the kind of water I was doing a rain dance for. (I've really got to stop playing with that old monkey's paw, I think it's broken.)

 

It's so good to hear you sounding a bit more like your old self. You are strong enough to get through this. Baby steps, baby!

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"'It's time for a few small repairs,' she said." - Shawn Colvin

 

 

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The Hobonichi Techo looks awesome. If I used a day planner, I would get that. Unfortunately I don't do real well with planners of any form. I think that may have to become part of next month's challenge now.

 

Also, you're awesome!

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Oh my god have you not had water until now?!

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21 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Oh my god have you not had water until now?!

 

Weeeeeell, we had water, technically. Coming through a garden hose from our kind neighbour's house. But, uh, that's not safe to drink, and taking showers in it was kind of weird because the water kind of smelled like plastic hose. So we were basically just using the hosewater to keep the toilet flushable, and drinking out of water bottles. And showering at friends' or family's houses. And not doing dishes or laundry. For 6 days! So yeah, it was kind of like camping. In our house.

 

On the bright side, I currently feel a renewed appreciation for how lucky we are to have all of this important infrastructure stuff just invisibly work 99.9% of the time. If I were the sort of person to keep a gratitude journal (spoiler: I am not) I would make note of that today.

 

The story of why it took so long to get the water line replaced is long and complicated and exhausting. Suffice it to say that we got gut-punched a few times by the universe, and a couple more times by the city, and once by the plumber's inability to use a calendar, and basically ate nothing but pizza on napkins for almost a week, but we eventually got it sorted.

 

In related news, I plan to go out with a friend tomorrow and have a bunch of cocktails and then lounge around and watch a movie or something. Really need a night off!

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Jesus Christ. I'm glad that's sorted at least. And your plans for tomorrow sound amazing. Go you.

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13 hours ago, Severine said:

I plan to go out with a friend tomorrow and have a bunch of cocktails and then lounge around and watch a movie or something. Really need a night off!

Superb plan! Enjoy yourself!

Introduction (where I started, May 2016) ~*~ NF Character (dormant)

 

 Progress as a Nomad: Battle log where I do my own challenges

Useful posts on my battle log: Useful Links and Travel Schedule, Future Challenge IdeasGoals for 2017 as a whole, Assorted Goals (not on rotation), Elements W1D1, Last Quarter Goals

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