Shibaras Battlefield

[Shibara]

I'm doing... rather well. Today was a little bit more of a struggle, some days are easier than others. I notice the thought "I've done so well up to now, I can make an exception now!" creeping up more often. Today I longed for cookies and chocolate. It took an effort to say no and whip up some avocado chocolate cream instead (which was very satisfying, however!).

 

I'm not completely sure how to proceed after my 15 day-challenge. Today it's day 13. Originally I wanted to go right on the next 15 days. Maybe I need a little cookie-break, though? Well, it's two more days until I can decide

[Teirin]

Glad you're doing well :-)

 

Gah, that's a hard balance to manage.  Completely cutting out sweets does not tend to work, so having one every now and then is a good plan, but keeping it to every now and then is difficult.  The chocolate avocado pudding is really good though.   

 

Have you decided on continuing or taking a break?

[Shibara]

Thanks for stopping by, Teirin!

I think I will relax the strict "no sweets" for a while. Still, I want to limit myself as much as possible, so I guess I'll make it a "try to get through the day without sweets, but don't beat yourself up when you're having some". Stressing some.

 

Today is not such a good day, I don't even know why. I feel like having PMS, but that's about a week too early - cravings, moody, dark thoughts like "why do I do this". Usually I don't mind weighing myself every day. Today I was disappointed because I went swimming yesterday, I ate so well, and still, the scale showed nothing. Of course I know the scale is not too reliable, still, I couldn't shake that feeling.

 

Yet I did not buy chocolate! Instead I whipped up another batch of chocolate cream (this time without avocado, just coconut milk, cocoa and chia seeds and coconut sugar), and that's okay. I would not have been able to make that choice without the 15-day-challenge, and I plan on keeping the things I've learned!

 

I'm also doing okay with my mini excercises like doing lunges during bathroom stops or swinging my kettlebell. That's something to be proud of, and I am! I just silently wish the scale would reflect my efforts, too. Can't shake the thoughts completely.

[Shibara]

I'm way more relaxed with my thinking again. However, on Friday we had a big company party (kind of a late christmas party) where I had some sweet dessert, and that somehow opened up the way for me buying some sweets and chocolade on Saturday. Well, not only buying, but eating, as well! But it could have been much worse. Funny side effect: while I technically know that "cheat days" can move the numbers on the scale, it never happened to me before. Sunday morning I woke after 10 hours of sleep (to which I credit most of my overnight weightloss) and a lower number. Sadly, that didn't last - last night I slept only between five and six hours and my weight was up again. But today I don't really care.

 

I worry a little about my shoulder, which started to hurt this morning. It was a little sore during the past few days, but really not serious. Yesterday I went swimming again (yay! Once per week - check! Have not missed one week up to now, and I'm slowly feeling like building a habit! ), and during the swim, I felt no pain at all. The evening went well, too. Only this morning the shoulder started to hurt more seriously, and when I put on my jacket for my lunch break, I almost blacked out for a moment, the pain was so intense. Although I don't feel particularly inflamed, I somehow suspect my shoulder's bursa (is that correct? Synovial bursa?). I do have some painkillers which act anti-inflammatory and hope they'll do the trick. Tomorrow I have spear class again. I need my shoulder working!

[Shibara]

Yep, seems to be a bursitis. Or a overstressed tendon. Got stronger painkillers and orders to rest, so probably no swimming or kettlebell for a bit. Dang. I understand my shoulder needs to heal, I'm just a little unhappy because a) I really did start slow, extra to NOT aggravate anything, and b ) I just started to get a routine. This might set me back a bit. Sigh.

[Teirin]

Darn, that really sucks.  Take care :-(

 

How are you liking spear class?  It sounds great!

[Shibara]

I LOVE my spear class! My shoulders are finally back to working condition, so I missed only one training session. Last Sunday I started swimming again. I noticed two things: I've become a little faster already, and it was not really exhausting at all! Sure, I took my time, I'm certainly no Michael Phelps Yet I like the small progress I'm noticing. I had to stop myself at 750 meters. That was the distance I went last time, and afterwards my shoulder gave me a hard time. This Sunday I could have gone on, but I decided to quit. Was a good thing, too, because I really felt my shoulder for a few hours afterwards! But the next day, everything was peachy again. Awesome!

 

I hope this link works, it should lead to a video of my teacher showing our routine. It's not as fast or athletic as some others you might see, but I like it. In addition, we're practising a combat/partner kata with each other. Too bad it's only a few more weeks, then there'll be a break. I'll probably do Chinese Sword next. Spear will probably offered again in autumn/winter again. I'm not sure if I can participate then because I'll be having thee surgeries on my lipedemas in September, October and December. Maybe I'll be doing a tai chi hand form then - a little movement will be good for recovery, but the first few days right after surgery I won't be able to move at all.

 

The weather is improving over here, as is my mood. It's finally almost light enough to go outside again in daylight after work. Although I did an occasional trip round the park, it is considerably more difficult for me to get going again once it's dark (and cold) outside. I'm not afraid of the dark (most of the time), yet I prefer to sit comfortably indoors and close my shutters!

 

Diet-wise I'm still a little struggling. I started January with a weight of 103.5 kg and currently am at 100.5 kg. Not that much success. I started another "no sweets"-challenge, but two days ago I was attacked by some wild chocolate eggs. They were sure to take over the world, so I sacrificed myself to prevent such a disaster and put an end to their dark plans by eating them! Since then, it's been rough to get back on track. I'm hoping with improving (and warmer) weather, it will become easier again for me to cut down my calories. When I do, I'm getting cold really easily, which I really dislike, so winter time is not a good time for me to diet.

[Shibara]

Well, shit. I was fired today.

 

Good: I'll be having more time to take care of myself.

 

Not so good: I'll need to find another job. At least they'll be paying me for three more months, so it's not super urgent. Still, job-hunting sucks. Dang.

[Shibara]

Mood is going up (slightly), weight is going down. Two days with only 1000 kcal (using protein shakes) did a small wonder for me. Let's see if I can follow up.

[Teirin]

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear about your job.  I hope that the paid time allows you to find something much better.

 

Congrats on the weight loss.  3 kg in ~45 days is good progress!  Are you ok on calories that low?  Take care of you :-)

[Shibara]

Thanks, Teirin I sent out four applications by now, let's see if one of them will be a success.

 

The 1000 kcal are very low for me. That was more the exception than what I eat usually. I was a bit like "well, you're not working anymore, so no stress (hah hah), focus on losing weight now!" The past weekend was spent with some of my family at my brother's birthday, and next weekend will be the same with my sister (they managed to be apart three years and only one week), so there is probably some food and a little booze involved. I'm not a heavy drinker, but occasionally I do enjoy a good cocktail, and my sister is friends with a terrific barkeeper in Munich. A really small bar, seats about 20 people at most (and then it's really crowded), and they serve lots of different things, not only mainstream drinks. And each drink is prepared with so much care... that's truly a form of art. We'll stay with my sister for two days, and that will be a challenge for me. Last week at my brother's, I gave in and ordered a pizza with gluten and cheese. It was fantastic, and fortunately I didn't get stomach cramps, but only a day after my shoulder flared up again (coincidence? I think not). Had to take pretty high doses of anti-inflammatory painkillers, which messed with my guts. Today I'm off the meds and the shoulder is at least not on fire anymore. I should do some stuff in my flat, my Mom is coming to pick me up and I'd like her to see a remotely tidy place. Alas, that's not going to happen. Sucks a little, but at least I'm confident enough that I'm not fretting too much about that (I've had other times! I've been a queen of chaos all my life, and when I moved out, I just wanted my family and friends to see a NICE place and never managed that. Did terrible things to my self-esteem, is still a sensitive topic, but I've learned to cope).Fortunately, Mom will just come by and pick me up and drop me off again on Saturday. Were she to stay here, that would be a different matter!

 

Probably next week my close friend (almost-boyfriend, but it's complicated) will come over for a few days. That should be nice and relaxing, but will probably involve some not-so-good foodstuff. Maybe this time we will manage to at least include (if not completely replace) some veggies next to the chips and sweets and coke... It's just very difficult. We want to have a good time, we do not see each other all that often, we want to enjoy good stuff and not to have to think about everything. In additiion, we are both rather limited with our food choices (but of course, he doesn't do well with completely different things than me! Else it would be easy!), and... that's just annoying. A little. At least we'll be mostly relaxed, so I'll see what I can manage.

 

I think I might join the next challenge starting mid-march. Just need to find a manageable goal. The crazy thing is: I should have time right now, as I'm unemployed. But somehow all of my days are just a blur and I get nothing done. Sigh.

[Teirin]

Sounds like a great time, excepting the pizza!  Definitely understand the anxiety over parental visits and apartment state :-/

 

Job hunting is it's own job.  Try and carve out some time for self-care!  Have a great week relaxing!

[Shibara]

Ohhh, I had a wonderful, relaxing week! It took off some of my self-made pressure. Funny, I experienced one or two days where I was like "I need to DO SOMETHING! But... what??!"-urges. Not that I like being busy, it was more some kind of inner voices yelling "DO SOMETHING!" One good thing about being unemployed is that I have a little (more like "a lot") more free time and was able to schedule a few more appointments with my psychologist, where we will start working with these "inner voices" and my self-made pressure and hopefully find some way to manage that. In their own way, these urges are justified. It's a bit like "you are exhausted, don't go to the gym today!" - yes, you want to workout, but it's a signal that you need some rest, too. Finding the balance between "you have to!!!!" and "what is good for me?" is important.

 

On that note, I just bought a calendar/weekly planner. I have tried using calendars several times, but I usually don't have that many appointments to schedule, so I often stop carrying around an extra "book" after a while (I also don't use a handbag). Tried using my phone, but it's too small for my comfort. I prefer to scribble something down. I have a large wall calendar for the whole year where I put down things like birthdays, concerts (ohhh, I bought tickets for "Blackmore's Night" the other day! I like their music and have never been to a live concert, and they will play not too far away from here in August!) and doctor's appointments and the like, but of course I don't take that wall poster with me everywhere. Now, that I have to juggle some more appointments (hopefully for job interviews, certainly for all the stuff concerning unemployment; fortunately we do have a support system here, but there is a lot of paperwork involved), it's probably better to have everything on me wherever I go. In addition, this planner I bought offers some more space for setting, watching and maintaining goals and managing priorities. That's not my forte, and I'm curious if I can learn something from using that system. I've just started working with the calendar today, but it looks promising.

 

Fitness-wise I've done... next to nothing during the past few days. Not even my bathroom stretching - that was easy at work, but at home it's somewhat different. I also had a little trouble eating. It was worse in past situations, though: I did have too much gummy bears, but I also included some veggies, and the overall intake of sweet stuff and chips was not too bad. Still, I put on some weight and need to shed it asap - I'm scheduled for new compression tights, and for that my body is measured and the tights and sleeves are tailored to fit. If I'm too large when they measure me, the tights will become a little loose as soon as I lose that two or three pounds. That's not only reducing their ability to compress my tissue, but can become uncomfortable, too, because the fabric will bunch up in the back of my knees and wrinkle elsewhere.

 

Last night I dreamt that I had strong, well-sculpted arms, and I loved it! I'm a little clueless how to achieve that. My shoulders are still a little achey, and I worry that I will overdo it too soon. So I'm more worried about pain that might occur than being actually in pain. Oh, the fun that is my head... *sigh* Well, I guess I just need to get started. ... tomorrow. But then I will! Certainly! For sure! Absolutely! Maybe...

 

I think the next challenge starts in a few days. Maybe I can set myself some goal for a daily excercise or something... need to think about that for a bit longer.

[Teirin]

Transition periods can be weird like that.  You'll get a new pattern settled soon.  Your apartment is a playground of potential workout stuff :-D

 

Nice band BTW! 

[Teirin]

How are you doing?

[Shibara]

Tired. Will post more tomorrow. I fully intend to join the next challenge starting tomorrow, I just haven't had enough occasion to think about my goals. Or rather, to set specific goals. I can give plenty of "wishy-washy" goals...

 

Thanks so much for asking, though! I really appreciate your constant effort and support! <3

[Shibara]

There we are:

Shibara respawns

Took me some time to finally commit to sitting down and writing out my goals! That's definitely something I'm slowly learning to tackle, though. One of my goals has to do with that issue - meal planning. Commitment. Bleh.

 

Very tired now (yeah, well, probably shouldn't have put off writing down that challenge, eh? ), I've been watching way too many cute cat videos and will go to bed now. Have to get up a little bit early tomorrow, have two appointments. Afterwards I'm probably hungry and don't want to eat healthy or mind my calories, so that will be a challenge on its own. A meal plan would help. If only I had created one...

[Teirin]

Cute cat videos are a reward in and of themselves.  Hope the appointments went well!

[Shibara]

I had an EPIC job interview! Even if they should not hire me, they definitely showed interest in me and saw things I didn't see myself. They were like "I can totally imagine you doing this and that", and I was like *hold your tongue, don't say anything, no, he's so wrong!* inside my head. I'm so, so, SO proud of myself that I stood up for myself (like telling them "well, I'm performing better with less work hours" and "I need clear communication, I'm all for 'Tell me if I do something wrong, else I can't improve anything'". He will think about it and interview a few others and get back to me in two or three weeks.

 

Afterwards, I felt like celebrating, so I had chocolate. Lots of it. I don't regret anything. This is a day for celebration! Especially after having a angsty meltdown on saturday, feeling like "I can't do anything".

 

I CAN! And others think I can! And this is not only family and friends who tell me "you can handle that" - a complete stranger judged me from talking 45 minutes to me and apparently thinks I can do it, too!

 

Amazing feeling. Dancing off to bed!

 

Or rather like them:

 

[Teirin]

Fantastic work!  Congratulations!!!!!!

[Shibara]

I... I just need to post this everywhere.

 

I just came home from a long walk. Almost exactly 5 kilometers. This is a new personal record for me. Yes, I'm a little tired, and yes, I took it slow, but... holy canneloni, FIVE KILOMETERS! Without sore legs! I'm not really in pain!

 

Last year, I could do about three and a half, at most. The year before, I started out with less than two. And today, I did not only wear my compression tights, but also my new compression sleeves, which is something I never did before.

 

I'm so, so, so happy! I can't believe it. This is crazy! Crazy good!

[Shibara]

Sooooo. I'm still here, somewhere

 

Good news first? I found a new job at a local university, and I'm really, really happy to work there (that was not the guys with which I had the described interview - never heared back from them...). They do not pay a fortune and I have a hard time making ends meet, but it is... close to a dream job.

 

Not-so-good-news? I gained a lot of weight (and my knees let me know that they are not at all happy with that). About seven kilograms since August, in about three months. SAD hit hard this year (on top of my "regular" depression), and I was unable to stop myself from eating. However, I've got new medication now which seems to stabilize my mood swings a lot (still testing, but at the moment I'm quite comfortable with my feelings), and today was one in a long time that I contemplated getting for a swim, or just getting out for a walk. I also read Steve's recent blog post and got myself a copy for the Walk to Mordor. It seems an awful lot of miles, given my condition, but as they say, every journey starts with the first step.

 

I'm also thinking about getting back to (or starting *cough*) a bodyweight routine. I feel weak, my lipedema hurts and has blown up a bit, and I want to go to surgeries next May. I should be as strong and slim as possible until then, yet this "you should!"-thinking puts me under a lot of pressure. I want to take it one step at a time and be patient with myself. It's hard to balance, though.

 

At the moment, I think I'll give keto a try after the holidays (I simply cannot an will not refuse Mom's cookies! They are the best!). I purchased Mark Sissons recent book and already gave the meal plans a try when I first got the book. After about 10 days, I somehow fell off the wagon and never recovered. Up until then, however, I felt quite comfortable with that way of eating (still the "reduce your carb-phase", not full blown keto). Even if I don't manage strict ketosis, eating lots of veggies and protein seems like a good way of eating to me (I've tried eating Paleo for years, now, and although I omit gluten and legumes most of the time, I still consume way too many carbs and sweets).

 

I've also made an appointment with a nutritionist in early January. I doubt I will learn a whole lot that I didn't know already, but it never hurts to consult an expert (even if it's just for my medical insurance to prove that I am doing everything I can to get healthy - I'm still holding to that small hope of them paying for my surgeries next year, but that chance is close to non-existent and I'm facing EUR 20,000 for all four).

 

That's about it for now

[Teirin]

Hi!  Glad to see you back again!  I have also largely been absent recently.  We'll both start the year better?  Congrats on your new job!!!

[Shibara]

Thanks for popping in! <3 Glad to see you around again. Yes, we'll rock the new year!