Attempting to recognize my priorities

[Agidyne]

Well, I guess it's confession time~  (It's going to be a long one as I'm going to be sorting out everything as I type it here...my mind's been going in circles lately, I swear)

 

Almost a whole year ago I joined the Academy and was so thrilled to be a part of this community.  I found a trail by my apartment and started running.  On days I didn't run I made sure to get outside and walk - either on the running trail or just around the neighborhood.  Occasionally a friend joined me on my run or I worked out with a few friends at the gym and I even started learning some self defense.  Things were awesome.  I had energy, I felt attractive, I felt powerful, I felt the best I ever had physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I was so proud of myself because it wasn't "working out", it truly felt like it had become my lifestyle.  

 

But then 3 things went wrong all at the same time:  winter, obtaining a third job, and guy troubles.  (I won't be going into everything in major detail...just the drive by version to keep it all simple.) 

 

The stress of all three really threw me, and I still feel like I'm in recovery mode.  I still worked out in my basement during the snow storms, but eventually that dwindled to a halt when I picked up a new job to help pay the bills, and then any hope of getting back into my routine was shattered when I started talking to my guy friend more and more and ended up spending the little bits of free time I had with him.  That last part might not sound completely terrible, except that working out for myself became working out for him because I wanted to continue to impress him, as he was very physically fit and worked out a lot himself.  Worst Idea Ever.  It turned what I loved into a chore.  And when it finally warmed up enough to go run again, I didn't go out because I was still spending my time with him (you may ask, why didn't you both just run together?  well...we live across the country from each other, and the situation was really complicated and probably unhealthy to begin with).  And on top of all that, I come home from work and feel exhausted because it's all I ever feel like I do anymore.

 

So what's the plan?  What am I going to do to fix this?

 

Time management is my true nemesis here.  And choosing priorities.  At least, that's what I think this all boils down to.  I can't ditch a job yet as finances aren't allowing me to.  I desperately want to and as soon as I can, I will.  My main job is stressful though (it's totally destroying my confidence), and I am on the hunt for something better.  I'm hoping I'll find one that is a better fit for me and that it'll allow me to drop one of my extra jobs.  

 

Winter is going to be here once again and at least this time I will be battling it knowing what problems I already face than getting blindsided by a bunch tossed at me all at once.  Last weekend I started doing small workouts every day to get myself back into the mindset of training.  Some days I do a workout DVD, other days I only take a minute to do as many push ups as I can before I tire out.  I'm just trying to do something, anything, each day.

 

With each day, I've found myself to be getting a little bit stronger again and I know as I keep this up, I'll be back to where I was before when I was on top of my game.  I try to remind myself that working out is for me and me only (if what I do happens to impress someone, cool, but I'm not going to make that be my reason for why I work out), and I use the time during my cool downs to reflect about what I have accomplished, despite my 6 month hiatus.  I don't talk to the guy as much anymore (hardly at all, really, and probably for the best), because I'm recognizing that right now, with my limited time, I need to use that time for myself.  

 

I've started to feel better now that I've been doing something each day.  My energy is starting to pick up again, and I'm finding that the small exercises helps me battle the other stresses in my life.  I used to keep a log on here every day when I first started working out last year, and maybe I should try that again, if at least a once a week check in.  No one has to read it, but by knowing someone might, it may help keep me accountable.  

 

I feel like this was all one big ramble, but it's something I didn't really know how to express or to who I could even say it all to.  I feel kind of silly even writing all of this, but I think it helped, even to just clear my head for a moment and to try to get things sorted out.