Elanor's Journey

[Elanor the Fair]

Hello everyone!

As you can see in my signature, I've been around here for quite some time already (in September I'll be member of the Academy for 2 years). I'm building my character and already had many ups and downs. I love doing the challenges, but I had to stop them as I had to organize my scedule differently and couldn't start and end appropriatly. I've started to write a independent blog about my journey, but I really want to be around this forum too because this community and it's support is so awesome!!!! I will post here some small News more frequently I think (but not daily ).

 

And I (re)discovered my love for making videos - as an art and design Nerd I started a channel on YouTube because there I can do whatever I want (yes, also Rainbow video thumbnails  ) and try out things without any pressure. And I noticed, that even with having to edit everything, it's easier for me to talk into the camera - I'm more focused and the things just come out and then it's done and I can concentrate on uploading everything and not thinking about corrections for hours.

 

Yesterday I updated my Journey and today I want to do the same here!

 

Thank you for reading - all about my weight loss is in the video:

 

Yours, Elanor aka Jaana

[Elanor the Fair]

ah yes, and I will be restarting the Academy quests

 

[Elanor the Fair]

just a quick Sunday Update - weight has been going up because last week we had family visit and our friend was a pizzaiolo once, so he insisted on making Pizza and I just couldn't help ist. After some harsh days emotionally I feel better today after sleeping in. 

 

I'm looking for to find some life-work balance as I realize to have trained myself to become more and more of a workaholic and no longer watching out for the things I know I like doing, but more to always stay out of my comfort zone - I think you need this zone from time to time to and not always challenge yourself but find out, what it is that you love and just take time to do it.

[Hyperion]

Slips happen. Fast return to original schedule matters. For some reason i missed your log completely!

[Elanor the Fair]

The Sad Eating Twen

see the text with images: http://elanorthefairsjourney.blogspot.fr/2016/09/the-sad-eating-twen.html

I just wrote this text (I'm no native speaker) because I have to share my feelings - the link is only if you'd like to see some photos which I don't want to upload to facebook.

Because of the 10th anniversary of the day my shop opened (I no longer have the shop) I looked through some old images and for the first time in a long period I really "binge-watched" through all of them from 2006 to 2011 and I started to see myself in a completely new light.

There were some small films also and what struck me deeply was: ALL of the time I was eating or sitting - this really gave me the creeps. At first I felt deep disgust and I understand why I didn't like to look at pictures or in the mirror in my late tens and early twens. There was nothing to be proud of - I was sitting there ... eating ... even in the best moments. Today I see that you can tell that I really didn't care about myself at all.

And then I was overwhelmed by the sadness - the sadness I always felt but never was able to recognize. I watched my siblings and friends play sports games: Soccer, Dodgeball but also just normal children's games because we were a big family (I'm the oldest of five) and always had friends around, and where was I? Sitting, declining the invitation to join the game, making photographs and telling myself that I don't fit in there.

And it is/was true: I was never able to play soccer as other kids - not only because I was heavy but also because I'm really bad at ballsports ;-) But it seemed that the feeling of not being able to have fun like the others started to expand and wasn't getting better over time obviously. I couldn't walk on our frozen lake in the winter or at least I didn't dare to - I stood outside and filmed ... I couldn't climb the trees like the others in an adventure park, so I stood outside and filmed ... immersed in my footage but excluded from adventure ... but still not wanting to change or even acknowledging that there was something that could be changed.

You know, I don't think my only problem is/was my body - there's also a feeling, that I didn't WANT to fit in - I felt protected in my role as an outsider because I despised all the sparring we had as youths; jokes, pranks and games, games, games.

Yes, as I realized later, I'm a nerd - I lived my more contemplative side and there must be some positive things about myself too, because I had a lot of caring and positive people around me that stuck to me in every situation.

But back to the sadness - the first change started, when I realized, that I had brought it to the point, where my biggest dream: having my own horse and riding it, was starting to vanish. I had and have this stupid situation again: everyone around me is so healthy and fit, they can ride the horses but me, that really wishes to, can't. It's the one thing I cared about and when I first came to this realization, I cried a whole night long and many more followed.

But it wasn't supposed to be my way - my path was to first see the horse and accept it wasn't all about riding on it - and with my first horse, I started the first changes and it's amazing where I came too after 8 years now - I'm still heavy and maybe, riding won't be my foremost occupation, but I feel so much better!

Then I also discovered NerdFitness and overall with my decision of getting healthy, my life changed dramatically - I'm no longer refusing to participate (ok, ball games might still be my least loved) but I started to get over my shyness and fear - my horses are a great help.

Today, after looking at those memories I'm telling myself no longer wanting to be arrogant so much and to find out what I want to do instead of sadly watching others having all the fun.

Thank you for reading - I really appreciate - it's not easy to write so openly, but I know I feel so much better afterwards.

[Elanor the Fair]

Something new and I decided to post it here too for the most answers possible: 

I promised an update of my 2 weeks challenge in the Nerdfitness Academy Respawn 2017 and here it comes:

 

It went really well and I could stick to most of the habits even during my stay at my family's in Germany - it's small steps to get used to drink water again and also the other points I could check off - only 1 workout remains.

 

I directly went into new goals for this week wich will be to continue mealplanning for 3-4 days ahead. I still struggle with it a little and I don't get the portions well balanced but I'm working on it. I rewarded myself getting a BRITA Waterfilter which is really cool and I love drinking water even more as I prefer water without all the "extras" in form of chlorine, metals etc.

 

Additionally, I decided to adress 1 question a week here on my blog and also on my YouTube-Channel. There's always so much on my mind and I have no one except my online community I can talk to. At the end of the week I will resume what I've found out.

 

This week my question is to understand better how to deal with the expectations from others around you regarding weight loss. 

 

Was it a mistake to speak openly about what I'm doing with others? Now, I have several people on my back always watching out when they meet me to see whether or not I've gained or lost weight. This is really stressful and I start feeling afraid of deceiving them. Of course this is also some kind of motivation for me but it also starts to be of a pressure.

I already did damage my metabolism and also my menstrual cycle in the past just by pushing to hard and starving myself. Now is time for doing things slowly but steadily and accepting myself, getting the proper mindset and starting again. But I have no way explaining all of this to everyone - of course, in my close family, everything is ok - I'm really glad about that. But my boss at work for example, really expects me to lose weight ...

Do you have any ideas or experiences about this issue? I'm glad for anything!

Thank you for reading or watching!

 

My next goals are to hop on my hometrainer bike every morning for 2 weeks and continue mealplanning.

I'll check in with you soon!

 

Regards,
Elanor aka Jaana 

 

[lynneta]

The thing .is its YOUR journey.people wil always try.to.tell you.what.to.do. But you.have to take what.they say filter out what they say works for you.and ignore the rest .

Nobody can  tell you.how to  go about your.journey.we are all different.you.have to.find what works for.you.

Just talk.to.then tell them you are working on your weight, tell.them you appreciate the support but you.need.encouragement ..tell them its a process..you.can tell them your.plan,but you.dont owe them anything.this is your body. .

 

[Elanor the Fair]

Thank you so much for your reply and yes, you're right - it's really what I struggle with: the feeling that I owe them something and that I appreciate that they care so I feel obliged to listen and to respond. Thank you for helping me realize!

 

When I'm telling others that it's my path, I always end in a position where others belittle me somehow and tell me all of their advices and opinions and that I most certainly can'T be right. I want to be strong and be able to not let all of this get so close to me - filter it, but in the end I feel somehow being at their mercy in some way which I can't really explain. It's just words but they seem to touch a sensible point inside of me ...

 

 

[lynneta]

53 minutes ago, Elanor the Fair said:

Thank you so much for your reply and yes, you're right - it's really what I struggle with: the feeling that I owe them something and that I appreciate that they care so I feel obliged to listen and to respond. Thank you for helping me realize!

 

When I'm telling others that it's my path, I always end in a position where others belittle me somehow and tell me all of their advices and opinions and that I most certainly can'T be right. I want to be strong and be able to not let all of this get so close to me - filter it, but in the end I feel somehow being at their mercy in some way which I can't really explain. It's just words but they seem to touch a sensible point inside of me ...

 

 

 

53 minutes ago, Elanor the Fair said:

Thank you so much for your reply and yes, you're right - it's really what I struggle with: the feeling that I owe them something and that I appreciate that they care so I feel obliged to listen and to respond. Thank you for helping me realize!

 

When I'm telling others that it's my path, I always end in a position where others belittle me somehow and tell me all of their advices and opinions and that I most certainly can'T be right. I want to be strong and be able to not let all of this get so close to me - filter it, but in the end I feel somehow being at their mercy in some way which I can't really explain. It's just words but they seem to touch a sensible point inside of me ...

 

 

You.know your body better than anyone..you can listen to their advice.you may learn something you can use,but your not obligated to follow anyone's advice that. Doesn't work for you.a great book you.might find useful is the beck diet solution.its cognitive behavior.it helps deal with sabatogers

It's helped me a lot.

 

You just need to stand your ground  .no matter how well meaning they are if they are making you feel you have to listen to them.they are a bully.the only way to shut down a bully  is to stand up for your beliefs.than they lose power over you.

 

You are.strong proud and fierce..believe that. 

[Elanor the Fair]

 

UPDATE:
My energy levels are rising because of the workouts and the biking every morning - it's the best thing that happened to me in a long time! Weather will be good the next days and maybe I'll even hop on my mountainbike and go for a ride outside!

The mealplanning experiences are mixed - I still struggle with planning everything ahead and doing the shopping at the right moment. But I feel that when it's challenging this means that I'll expand my knowledge - next week I will report how it turned out.

AND: there was a huge level up in my life: I bought myself a laptop again so I'll be able to work from everywhere. Especially because I tend to eat when I'm bored and sitting around. Now I have my own workspace with me and can do something else.
It also helps me decrease stress and pressure around my worktime as I'm not longer tied to my desktop PC at home for my freelancing work but I can take most of the things to other places - outside even!

MY QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
On your fitness journey, what changes did you make to your environment be it workspace, gym or household? Were there specific items you purchased that helped you stay on track on the long run?

As always, I would be delighted to read any answers or inspiration on this topic.


Now for last weeks question, where I was asking, how to deal with the expectations of others and the fear of letting them down.

I'm so happy I adressed this question as I was able to reflect on everything and was pointed into the direction. Was it a coincidence that this week I saw a new video of both ModernHealthMonk and ObesetoBeast talking about this topic?
 

 

John Glaude from ObesetoBeast mentioned in his video, that his family and friends saw a "beacon of hope" in him, as he was losing weight and that he would stress out about not letting them down too, ordering salad in the Restaurant when he was with them, to show them, that he was eating healthy, even if he would be binging alone at home afterwards. Wow, that was so well described and really struck me but also made me understand, that I'm not alone with my thoughts and that others have been through this and have made it and so he'S some kind of "Beacon of Hope" also for me.

And then there was the nice reply of lynneta here in the forums:

Thank you so much for this! I will see if I can get that book!

This made me realize that all of this comes down to one thing: SELF CONFIDENCE and this is something I have to work on on my own. If I don't trust myself and if I permit myself to let myself down, I will of course be afraid of being judged.

Alexander Heyne of ModernHealthMonk opened his video in saying that

 

and it really makes the point I think. How should others look up to you or me when we don't even have faith in ourselves and in what we are doing? If we aren't strong enough to stand up for our beliefs and are not proud to talk to someone else about it?

 

We should look forward to those bullys and want our journey to be challenging and not too much straight forward!

 

But to walk ahead, we have to train and know where on the path we are standing. Working out, even though it's more cardio I'm doing at the moment, helps me a lot to gain self assurance.

 

Let's see how this adventure unfolds!

Thank you so much for reading!

 

Yours,

Elanor