Casbin - keep on changing (Battlelog)

[Casbin]

Hi, so here I am.

 

My last Challenge didn't go too well, as I end up adding too much at once over and over again.

Which led me here, as I want to further change my approach on it.

 

First of all, I just got access to the NF Academy which I will integrate into my Challenges.

Another part will be this Battlelog in order to keep track of my Footlog, Workout progress and do report about a couple of things that are not primarily part of the challenges but end up getting in my way over and over again.

 

But one thing at a time, I'll start with some basefacts about myself.

 

I am a 29 year old man from north Germany.

 

Starting stats:

   Height:   184 cm (6''0 feet)

   Weight:  62,2 kg (137 lbs)

 

  Measurements: (for later reference)

Spoiler

neck:                36,0 cm

chest:               83,6 cm

waist:                73,9 cm

hips:                 89,5 cm

right biceps:     26,4 cm

left biceps:       25,4 cm

right thigh:       46,8 cm

left thigh:         46,9 cm

right calf:         35,1 cm

left calf:           33,8 cm

 

And now I'll quickly move on before I change my mind and delete this...

    

My reason to keep at this varies widely depending on what's most prominent in my life atm.

But one thing keeps turning up in most cases.

 

I've never been too fond of myself.

And after cracking from too much work I had to change quite a lot of things that I used to think formed a big chunk of who I was.

So on one hand, there is what I need to do and learn in order get and keep back on track; while on the other hand I still try to figure out what it was that I'd like to get to because what I used to be isn't gonna help me exactly.

 

With that being said I am doing from here on is to build up my body and mind in order to not feel spend comes friday night and to figure out what it is that I like to do.

 

Gulp, here I am writing about a whole lot of stuff that I am quite uncomfortable with.

I'm gonna post this before I start to change my mind and get on with the next post.

 

Regards Casbin

[LongWing]

This was a great first step. Take a lot of small ones and you'll be amazed at how much you progress. Good for you!

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

[Casbin]

Hey @SuperSloth, thanks for stopping by!

 

I already did some Challenges but determining what small steps are was the tough part .

But I'm glad that I did this, the blogpost about mental health had me thinking for quite a while and I think he's right.

 

It's about time I get back to work and map out where I'm headed.

[Casbin]

Alright,

 

I did mustered the courage and gave you an idea where I'm coming from.

It's about time to give myself an idea where I'm headed.

 

I am working out four time's a week with 2 strength and two running workouts.

My eating habits changed to five meals a day with an emphasis on healthy meals and at least 4 meals I cooked for myself (and others) per week.

Thanks to that I don't need to worry about my weight anymore, as it naturally went up to 70 kg and most of it muscle at that.

Writing and talking became second nature at some point, just as working on my own rpg-campaign.

Right now I'm playing around with a couple of sports, just to see what's turning out to be fun.

 

so much for the idea, I'm looking forward to see that happen. And to comparing it with what I came up with when I designed my Character...

Well I better start wrapping my head around how I'm going to do that.

 

While at it I sketched out the first steps on my Epic Quest, thought it's only half done so far.

 

Onward to my new Challenge,

Casbin

[Casbin]

Allright, the new Challenge is up and running.

 

As I still had the forum on I might as well get done with the foodlog for last week:

 

Be warned, I can't say that this is healthy so far...

 

Monday:

Spoiler

150g Granola

100ml Soymilk

3 slices bread

2 slices cooked pork

2 slices mortadella

1 slice cheese

1 tsp peanutbutter

300g pasta

1 jar Premade Sauce Bolognese

1/8 Aubergine

1/4 Zucchini

5 wiener

2 apples

some baby tomatoes, carrots, watermelon, redcurrant, 200g Roadsnack, a handful of chips

2x 5 min. walk

 

 

Tuesday:

Spoiler

200g granola

200ml soymilk

2 Leberkäse (looked for a translation, this is what it said - a type of a meat loaf popular in Germany and Austria xD)

potato salad

1 apple

10 min. walk

400g Chili

1/2 baguett

I just realise, I forgot to write down my breakfast at work...

 

Wednesday:

Spoiler

2 slices wholewheat bread

1 slice cheese

2 slices mortadella

2 breadbuns

2 slices salami

4 slices mortadella

1 slice cheese

30 min. walk

ready meal pasta casserole

200g roadsnack

 

Thursday:

Spoiler

150g granola

150ml soymilk

2 breadbuns

3 slices salami

1 slice cheese

2 tsp peanutbutter

2 tsp cream cheese

pasta with tomato sauce and minced meat

3 slices wholewheat bread

2 slices cheese

2 slices mortadella

 

Friday:

Spoiler

150g granola

150ml soymilk

2 breadbuns

1 banana

1 tsp peanutbutter

100g minced meat (beef)

500g rice pudding (ready meal)

cinnamon & sugar

icecream

30 min. walk

400g Lasagne premade

300g roadsnack

 

Saturday:

Spoiler

1 banana

2 wholewheat breadbuns

4 slices salami

1 slice cheese

1 tsp peanutbutter

1 banana

30 min. walk

 

Sunday:

Spoiler

2 wholewheat breadbuns

4 slices cheese

100g bacon

5 scrambled eggs

1 premade Tortellini in cream sauce

1 pear

0,2l orange juice

0,5l cherry juice with

0,7l mineral water

 

Uhm, yeah...

Typing it out like that doesn't make it sound any better.

[Casbin]

Alright,

 

it's been a long time since I showed up around here but life got me good.

I've been in a clinic for 8 weeks and things keep changing at an amazing pace and I need to get my head back in the game.

So, I'll stop by every now and then in order to remind me of what I'm working for.

 

There simply isn't enough headspace to form a proper Challenge just yet and I will not allow myself to define new goals, just show up give a rough idea about what I'm doing  and once I've settled in my new environment there will be old habits to reinstate and supervise.

 

For now I am focusing on one simple rule of this rebellion: We take care of our life.

 

So, first things first:

 

First proper Appointment with my new Therapist

Move the first few boxes to the garage

Email my new landlord to discuss the details about the appartment

Browse for a mobile repair shop

Call Grandma about fixing her Email Account on Sunday

Take a break and try to sketch a wolf again

 

Keep your heads high, I'll see you tomorrow!

 

PS: REMEMBER to prompt Morag about her appointments, silly.

[Morag]

Welcome back, you.

---

Stay strong. Dream true. Walk tall.
-- Charles de Lint

[Caeleth]

Welcome back  Interested to hear how this goes for you. I completed a couple of challenges myself last year and am just getting back into the swing of things as well. People always talk about taking baby steps on here - it's definitely the way to go!

 

All the best for you and your journey.

[Casbin]

Waves at @Morag, so glad I've met you and your family!

 

And Hi Caeleth, thanks for stopping by!

I'm pretty sure that I've seen you around before, though I didn't get involved.

We got some momentum to build, so let's go with it.

Baby Steps to Giant leapse is a phrase I learned to keep in mind.

The tricky part is to find the right babysteps for oneself and do them right but we are back on the path. 

 

Yesterday was a mixed bag, tbh.

 

I got nearly everything done but had to accommodate for life happening.

Roomies wife is on a sick leave from college so no moving boxes but I realigned some furniture  (to her dismay) and the room doesn't feel as claustrophobic now, moving boxes will have to wait until friday/next week.

 

The landlord got his email about an appointment and I googled the repairshop and took a small detour to get it done. Now for hoping that the display won't break.

 

The appointment went quite well and brought some realisation how well ahead of schedule I truly am.

I used the chance to treat myself to a new set of Stabilo for a future project that's on my mind.

A break was had, a few bad tries on the wolf were had and I've been playing around with a Mandala to try out the pencils and did another two rows of knitting while watching a movie.

 

I don't think I mentioned this just yet but I currently am facing limiting core believes and try to prove them wrong.

You know, stuff like "I'm not a creative/crafty person", "I can't draw", rarara. 

 

Meaning:

Since Silvester I leatherbound a journal, sewed a toolbag, started drawing a landscape, played around with zentangles, drawed a bear and picked up knitting and crocheting. 

Lots of things to try and learn and have fun with and a chance to make this a Ted more colourful soon

 

Now for today:

I am waiting for my doctor to get the conciliatory letter done.

Still need to call Granny to move things up to tomorrow

Have another appointment at 4pm

And am planning to face the chaos (thanks for coining that phrase for me Bean Sidhe) of paperfloods on my desk.

 

And then I'm going to breath and be happy and knit for a while

[Butternut]

Casbin!!! I’m so glad to see you!

 

i like you because like you I disappear but always find my way back.

 

I’ve been feeling the same way about challenges... but I still do them.

 

 But one time long ago you talked about staying on a challenge and made me realize how much I don’t stay the full 4 weeks. So 2 challenges ago I made one of

them to finish my challenge, 4 days before I quit lol

 

but with that inspiration it made me watch my patterns. My momentum is awesome 2 weeks, strength my 3rd week then I’m ready for something new.

 

 

ANYWAY!! Glad to hear that your goals is your Grammy!! Are you two close?

[Morag]

Waves at [mention=38234]Morag[/mention], so glad I've met you and your family!

Right Back At You, my Dear!

Keep breathing, you got this. It's almost the weekend too.

---

Stay strong. Dream true. Walk tall.
-- Charles de Lint

[Casbin]

Hey,

 

Thank you for stopping by @Butternut, you admittedly had me grin from ear to ear when I saw the email notification.

I'm glad I inspired you to take a deeper look, this community is great for that, getting triggered by others wins or struggles and removing blind spots it's part of why I keep coming back xD

I saw that you are back to the irons so I'm looking forward to hearing how that plays out for you!

 

And Moray you are awesome and I know that I can count on you rooting for me.

I will keep this a bit low as I can't effort to start stressing about keeping the momentum here and trying to keep up with all the awesome people.

The urge to jump back in with a challenge is real and plastic and I got a whole idea plotted out in my head but nope not right now...

 

I am going to leave this half chewed piece of a post right here to remind me that I want to write about why I've chosen not to post right now and to remind me that butternut just cleared up one of my own fabrics and I need to phrase that some time soon.

But enough of that, I just cancelled unneccescary crisis mode and are going to go on with my day with a calmer mind.

I'll hopefully see you this afternoon/morning if you are in the US or tomorrow will have to do.

[Butternut]

9 hours ago, Casbin said:

But enough of that, I just cancelled unneccescary crisis mode and are going to go on with my day with a calmer mind.

 

You have control Casbin. As much as we feel we don’t have that control, we do. 

[Casbin]

And here I am, back to pick up the Threads.

 

I started writing the post above in a hallway waiting for the city official to come back to his office, talk about taking my sweet time...

You know @Butternut you were right on target when you talked about watching your own patterns.

I hear you about making a point of finishing a Challenge and dropping the ball imidiately, those kind of sublime tendencies can be tough to figure out.

Well, I used to adore my grandparents but we started to grow estranged and I am trying to fix that, she won't be there forever and I'd rather not regret to pull away from her. It will take a lot of talking and patience and slowly guiding her to the realisation that I am not her employee and can't always drop life in order to serve her demands but we are making ground and it feels good.

 

Personally, one of my patterns is that I tend to solve every problem I see right effing now through effort and lose track of how I am.

And I am working on changing that and a few other things.

You are quite right talking about control, it was in my own hands. All I did was to decide that I am not going to keep running and this small change in my mindset opened up a broad variety of options to choose from.

Yes, I did not yet manage to say no to deliver a few things on my way to therapie, yes I did take care of all the new stuff that showed up short notice.

But I also realised that I was swapping back to overcharge-mode and I stopped, took a few breathes and CHOSE to take a break rather then use the  minutes I had to follow my imaginary obligation to post about my plans for the day and answer you two.

As I quoted before "Babysteps to Giant leaps", I love this sentence I found in a manga.

I am not yet ready to go back to my usual "working mode" and I am not even sure if I want to.

Getting back a feeling and sensory impression of my own physical state and how I am is feeling good and the discoveries about what I like to do have been fascinating to say the least, I do not want to give that up for getting more sh* done.

 

Anyway I am right in the middle of a big transition, allowing myself to recupperate, moving in a new home and working to change my career and it will have me on my toes regularly.

That's fine, it's like a testing ground to watch my own bad habits and learn from it. First comes realisation, then compession for oneself and only then it's time to change; simple like chemistry.

 

I will sit down and tell you about what triggered all this change but it will take some time and patience with myself and accepting that it makes me vulnerable but the time will come.

 

It's time for a break and I just realised that I haven't eaten yet.

So, please be patient if this turns into a triple post.

 

PS: I warned you about future pics, well here we go...

 

This is my first try at knitting a scarf, thanks for showing me the ropes Morag

[Morag]

 
This is my first try at knitting a scarf, thanks for showing me the ropes Morag [emoji6]

[emoji7], and no, it was entirely my pleasure to show you the basics. And then you did indeed hit the ground running.



---

Stay strong. Dream true. Walk tall.
-- Charles de Lint

[Leimanu]

On 3/14/2018 at 3:33 AM, Casbin said:

 

Baby Steps to Giant leapse is a phrase I learned to keep in mind.

The tricky part is to find the right babysteps for oneself and do them right but we are back on the path. 

 

 

I was told that this week!

 

A lot of what you said rang true for me.  Practicing patience and making really small, attainable goals for just today is amazing medicine.  You've completed a few things already!  

 

I love that scarf, so pretty.  I love when people post pics on here - more More MOAR, ok?

[Casbin]

2 hours ago, Morag said:

 

, and no, it was entirely my pleasure to show you the basics. And then you did indeed hit the ground running.
 

 

Played with such grace... 

Though I was more focused on the "I'll be ready for the marching drones; I'll be ready when the moment comes" part at the time . 

And it keeps being fun. 

 

 

2 hours ago, Leimanu said:

 

I was told that this week!

 

A lot of what you said rang true for me.  Practicing patience and making really small, attainable goals for just today is amazing medicine.  You've completed a few things already!  

 

I love that scarf, so pretty.  I love when people post pics on here - more More MOAR, ok?

Glad to hear it played a chord for you. 

I need this and I am hoping that sharing it, even though it's at length will help others to spend less time searching. 

 

And no worries, I am planning to share more of my projects, proving your self prejudice wrong is fun and motivating...

[Butternut]

Love the scarf! I really like the pattern.

 

new career huh? Is it something exciting?

 

It feels great when you remember you have control. 

 

Ive been stuck in a negative rut for almost a year. Stressed, depressed, anxious, repeat. 

 

But lately I’ve been curious of these moods, and their patterns. 

 

I found i start start feeling anxious so my mind tries to find a reason to feel it. Same with anger, being sad, so on.

 

Instead of linking an outside source to one of my emotions I’ve been saying “I’m just feeling this right now.” It’s almost like my mind is in a habit to feeling bad moods. They come in waves. 

 

Anywho, I’m done giving my

moods excuses for growing. 

 

Fore I've realized they are just patterns. 

 

Plus im just pooped being in those moods all the time. It’s stressful being stressed! I know it’s easier said then done, but recognizing I’m in control again is helping me this time around.

[Casbin]

Ups, I just realized that reading these two posts might take forever, at least have some music if you are going to try :

 

Dang,  I admittedly am too lazy to get up and find the pin for my tablet, the phone will have to do for now. 

 

Back to yesterday's schedule. 

I did leave the house at 10 am and came home around 1030 pm, should have known that this might be a bit much for now. 

However, I picked up the form for a special permit to the no parking area for my departure here, got my unfinished phone from the repairshop as the new normed USB port isn't yet available here, fixed my grandmothers email account settings and drove back town and promised my PA to drop a letter at the reception desk of our bank and buy tickets for the upcoming handball game on my way to ergo. 

And then my mind started running how the hell I'd manage to finish that post about my plans for the day on here in less then 10 minutes...

And I stopped, hesitated and realised that I did say "yes" without thinking about it. 

So, I decided not to post, yet.

Instead I took 10 minutes to lie down with a blanket and close my eyes for those ten minutes. 

After that I did buy the tickets, stopped by the coffee shop on the way (and somehow the manager is remembering me after 3 visits...), went to my provider and haggled for a compromise for my phone (I got a brand new Huawei with a broken seal for less then what I would have payed for the Samsung service substitute) delivered the letter and only then realised that I would come in 10 minutes late for the group ergo. 

However I didn't stress out about it, I didn't feel bad and there was no problem with it what so ever. 

 

After that I finished the sentence and left you a message along with it and went to the national game with my father. 

 

You see, there is a lot of unnecessary details up there but I've been trying to paint a picture here. 

That is the kind of stuff I am talking about when I say I'm on edge and it really isn't so much but as long as the head keeps chasing from one task to the next always realigning plans and counter balancing it with what is in Stock, what would be good to get done on extra stuff and the possibilities it will open for next week; that can wear you down like nothing. 

 

So, stopping and realising that my mind starts fretting all over again was good progress and deciding to take care of myself and accept that I might insult somebody by not arriving on time is as well. 

I am learning and I am going to gain even more ground and reshape my self image step by step. 

 

Today was mainly about recharging and allowing myself some leeway to accommodate for yesterday's overexertions.

Some reconnecting here, some messaging with a woman in Texas I met through RH, vacuuming & swiping, walking the dogs a coffee in the bakery around the corner and visiting my parents might feel like slacking but this is going to be a skill I'll need. 

Tomorrow is a full time visit to see a motivational speaker in Hamburg and a horror sneak preview in the local cinema. 

I'll get back home on Sunday (staying with my parents, for Carsharing) walking the dogs in the woods and sorting out my boxes from the heap of them in our basement and planning my schedule and week tasks. 

So much for a quiet weekend, but we'll see weather or not I can sneak in an update underway. 

 

I wish you all the best and will go back to read butternuts post that came in halfway through this next wall of text. 

Somehow I am hard pressed to phrase concepts including the implication in a shorter form around you. 

[Casbin]

@Butternut I am not going to quote your whole post for readability but you made a fine point. 

 

First of thank you, the pattern came to life due to a mistake on my part. It was supposed to only be half as wide. But starting with a pattern of knits and purls only sounded like a reasonable plan. 

 

I'll be honest with you, I don't have the slightest idea what I am going to do for making a living. 

That's why I am working towards a rehab program that's supposed to help people with mental illness to be guided into first market employment {patience, the matter is about to come}. 

That's a bit much at first glance and 18 month feel like an eternity for me who left school to do something productive and stayed in constant employment (OK, 3 days of unemployment to pack up in a different state, pack up and drive back home, do some research and find a new job). But 13 years of constant employment still is a long time and now I have to accept that I can't just shrug it of and keep doing what I did. 

 

Taking control is not my personal concern, allowing myself to keep track of myself and that it might lead to some chaos is. 

Anyway I do know the pattern you talked about. 

Our emotions are born out of our past and what we've been taught in our childhood. 

The human body can't differ a imagined and physical situation, imagining how you face a problem is just as stressful as actually doing it. 

Same pattern in a different mirage. 

I lose track of my needs and ignore my feelings and needs, you get overwhelmed by them. 

However reflecting and doubting what lies in front of us leads to a different "reality" for our brains. 

 

I've been depressive and overwhelmed, that's why I've been in a psychosomatic clinic from December to early February and I learned a lot about myself in that short time frame. 

Things started to spin out of  the limits I was willing to accept and I had something to do about it. 

It happened and it led to a better understanding of why I make certain decisions under pressure. 

 It taught me a lot about personal delusions, especially as traits I keep connecting with myself resurfaced and got  mentioned by others. 

I always though of myself as a introvert, yet I somehow became the centrepiece of the group there and people came to me used me for orientation in the group. 

And I want to build on that and challenge as much of my negative thoughts regarding myself. 

 

Thank you for sharing, I would have needed considerably longer to spread out the cards otherwise but I'm glad it happened like this. 

Our minds got a strong game for playing us like a fiddle and understanding and accepting that can be cataclysmic event that leads one step closer to understanding how we want to live our life's. 

[Butternut]

3 hours ago, Casbin said:

personal delusions,

 

If this isn’t too personal, what does that mean?

[Casbin]

It's not don't worry, I probably, just phrased it in an awkward way. 

 

I just meant blindspots regarding myself. 

Like a few years ago, I was entirely convinced that I can't talk in front people. 

Or that I am having trouble to connect with a wide variety of personalities.

That I am socially awkward in groups and rather prefer to focus on the individual.

That I am not a creative person.

That it's dangerous and not OK to let others see how I am but should rather compartmentalize things to what they can understand. 

I was half believing a friend who started to convince me that I'm egoistic.

Things like that. 

[Butternut]

So personal delusion is like stories you tell yourself about yourself, that are only true because you're believing them?

[Casbin]

On 3/20/2018 at 3:31 AM, Butternut said:

So personal delusion is like stories you tell yourself about yourself, that are only true because you're believing them?

 

Wow, I can't believe I never actually answered you...

But basically yes it's kind of like that.

Being convinced that things are in a certain way and making it a reality due to actions rather then actually trying to see what's going to happen.

[Casbin]

So,

 

it's been happening again and the wagon I was trying to climb on is long gone.

That's what happens when you don't show up for about a year...

 

Progress has been had in so many different ways but fitness related activities are not a part of my priorities, yet.

Trying and finding new ways to breath and unwind to regrow an anchorpoint is.

Because my current toolkit is working well but the instinct about when to choose what is still offbeat.

 

This kind of is a weird point right now, as I am quite fed up with doing only life related Challenges.

And it leads to dropping out over and over again but I keep missing this Community.

 

Time to make do and find a new pattern that's light enough to start building some new momentum.

All while keeping it in a timeframe of 1h a day max because I'll be leaving town in two weeks.

 

Originally, I wanted to give you a quick update on what has been going on.

But now that I'm here, I think I'll go and try making a challenge especially because this is a bad time.

If I don't do it right effing now and work towards staying over here even when things start getting hectic again it's probably not going to happen at all and I really don't want that...

 

This will be a Challenge to do  a full Challenge which sounds way too awkward but it's just how it is.

Time to go and see what I can make out of this!