Do battle, like a sloth.

[tcw295]

Hello from windy waikiki!

Well, we did it. Took an uber suv through the snow to the train station, an amtrak into seattle, and then the light rail to the airport! We stayed at the airport from 11 pm until our flight the next day at 8:15 am. It was less than ideal, but we made it through. Big props to qdoba for giving me a big bowl of meat, and mcdonalds for covering that with bacon and eggs. That was plane food. I dislike the in between that is flying. Tight, uncomfortably warm, full of crying children....but eventually we landed on Oahu. Checked into the hotel in the midst of a wind warning, went across the street for a meal, got some steak skewers and a chunk of mahi mahi. Everyone went to sleep while I went and explored the shopping district. Ended up with a dope new Hawaiian shirt, and the sting of the abc store convenience prices for some necessitates.

Putzed around the beach, then went back to hotel room and napped for an hour. Wife woke me up and we walked around the beach at dusk ,then headed out in search of dinner that our friends had planned. It rained, and I was cold. We waited 15-30 minutes for a table at a very loud sports bar place. I got a single burger patty, and watched ice skating. Vacation is going to be interesting.

Headed back to hotel for a bath and to type this up, but not before stopping off at mcdonalds for three burger patties for a quick top off. Hiking Diamond Head tomorrow morning!

[tcw295]

Aho! Monday started well, with a hike up to diamond head! It was beautiful and I got to do a headstand on top of a bunker where I wasn't supposed to. Had fantastic energy despite fasting, and ran down the trail behind a fit couple. It was a blast. My wife got us a certificate of completing the hike, and then we took a trolley back to Waikiki. Grabbed a bunch of bacon and eggs over beef at McDs, then headed off to pearl harbor! It was pretty intense, saw the Arizona memorial, and climbed around inside a submarine. Headed back to the hotel in super traffic, and I immediately picked up and went north to get dinner before my MKP circle. Hit up a safeway for some chicken leg quarters and a turkey leg, and talked to some woman with the same bag as me how cool it was while I ate greasy meat. She asked me if I go to church, and I got to share that yes, I was on my way to one. For a mens circle, but still counts, right? 

Stuffed myself with meat, then took a walk to the parish where I eventually caught a bunch of guys going into a side building, and I yelled MKP? before they closed the door, and that was more or less the password. Felt super grateful and welcome and it was awesome to find community away from home. Stayed out too late again, and hope to wake up early for some trail running.
 

[tcw295]

The week continues! Tuesday started with a trail run at The Makiki Valley loop trail. It was mostly fast hiking, maybe 20% running, because iit was all uphill, and 70% TREE ROOTS AND ROCKS. Going back down was a slow process, 2 miles in an hour, got a great sweat on and ran back downhill into town. Spent the rest of the day at the beach, where I went out onto a standup paddle board with my glasses, and then immediately lost them to the waves. Things have been blurry since then...

Sunset was beautiful, didn't need glasses to see that. This morning I ran over to a fitness park for a little workout, then did an impromptu hike up to manoa falls,! The scenery was INCREDIBLE. So green, much jungle. Meanwhile, I'm grateful for grocery store pork products, and food court steak. We've done everything we planned to do, and tomorrow we fly home to the seattle snow. Its been beautiful, and im burnt real good!

[tcw295]

I laughed, I cried, I ran around alot. We returned to washington to find it mostly intact despite the snowpocalypse. I ate 9 burger king patties (which they charged me for 9 burgers at the airport, the heathens) and worked on fancy slow airplane wifi. A most romantic valentines day.

Things returned to normal, I even did a 7.5 mile run on saturday.

Monday, I returned to squats. 265 for white knuckling sets of 4. Very difficult, and I was a scotch above parallel. This week has me returning to a running routine, and taking care of 2 weeks of trash buildup from the snow. Huzzah!

[tcw295]

Aho NF board! I get updates from the intuitive eating group so I usually have this site open. I worked out yesterday, so lets log it, yeah?

Yesterday marked the '6 months until your birthday race, its time to start training' date on my calendar. So I did an AM 3.5 mile run, and saved squats for the evening. I was very restless to hit the gym after so much screentime, and ended up going with my wife, and good feels were had. 

A duffalo bar was in the squat rack, so I loaded as if it were 45 pounds to 265, but i think it weighs 15 pounds more than a normal bar, so the sets of 5 were once again....difficult. Superset with paused sets of 3 overhead press at 95 pounds, and then did some front squats at 160 for 3x8. At that point the CF class was almost over, and coach was prescribing barbell curls, so I alternated with my wife and threw out my best (worst) arnold impersonation. 

Headed home to watch some true detective, and reverse seared a t bone, something in the realm of 16-20 oz, and cooked a marrow bone in the air fryer. Didn't quite satisfy, so I finished the rest of a bottle of raw cream that I picked up at a local market on saturday. The aftertaste, honestly, is the smell of a farm.....grass and dirt. Its weird, and I think im good on raw cream for a while.

Been carnivore for about a month now, so I gave myself a treat, and got a butcherbox! Got suckered in by the keto day add-ons, plus I managed to snag shawn bakers promo box 3 pound new york roast! So, I'm stocked up for a little while.

This week consists of finishing up a bunch of stuff before heading back down to washougal this weekend for another NWTA, rookie staffing! Excited to support a bunch of men doing their work and growing. Might be able to squeeze in a long run on friday morning before all the emotional business goes down, a lot of trails around the camp!

[tcw295]

Hey friends!

Looks like its been about a month. How bout I put down some words?

My new website is up! Lumbertron.com!

I've got  a podcast, a blog, and even an etsy store!

I got surgery this week! I got vericose veins stripped out of my left left (they were gnarly, grandma level gnarly) and preemptively taken out of the right leg (they form symmetrically, but hadnt bulged yet). It was painful! They actually ran out of painkiller because there was so much to do. I have to go back in two weeks to do the back of my calves, but they are gonna just put me out all sleepy time for that. Woo!

I got my stitches out yesterday, and my leg looks like I took a buckshot blast. 45 holes all around. My left leg is pretty much a big bruise. That didn't stop me from waking up at 4:20 this morning and hitting the gym for some trap bar deadlifts though! I did some sets of 10, some split squats, and some weighted pullups. Also brused my elbow pits with some zercher deadlifts. It felt good to use the legs after lying low for a few days.

I've still got the carnivore thing going. I even got 10 vials of blood taken from me this week, and a curious doctor is going to see what percentage is actually beef. I'm excited! Energy levels are been weird at times, but I've been intuitively eating, which feels nice. What didn't feel nice was getting a DEXA scan showing a 3% increase in fat, and the fact that I'm getting some thigh rub, especially during running. So I've been playing with intermittent fasting, pulled an OMAD one day, and eating some leaner ground beef. I got a bluetooth scale and covered the display, so I can take measurements, sync to the phone, and have the data.

I'm just kind of letting things settle right now. No huge projects, no big goals on the immediately horizon. Theres things a few months out, but for now, I'm enjoying the spring sunshine and grateful for my body. 

[tcw295]

Bloodwork came in.

Not the traditional cholesterol triglycerides kind of work. Minerals, vitamins, aminos. Inflammation markers are all good. Omega 3's are weirdly high despite no supplementation. Thyroid is strugglin, testosterone is low, could use some b vitamins. Going to eat more, particularly more fat. More vascular surgery tomorrow!

[tcw295]

The saturday after that vascular surgery, I ran 10 miles. Then 5 more the next day. I was proud of my body.

Not so proud of my fatigue. My body composition. My sore toe. 

I was fortunate enough to get into contact with a man in my sunday circle who just happened to be a former super strong powerlifter. Plenty of experience manipulating hormones naturally. He has been a wealth of information. On his advice, I started changing a few things. Begrudgingly, I turned into recovery mode.

On friday, april 12, I changed my life. MDMA, man. Highly recommend. I plopped down on the couch, and while the music played I unpacked my life in my head for a few hours. Did a write up of my beautiful experience the morning after.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fgteH3ZQjtdBiNlbEnQa58OTfN94deTKlJhII1UPerM/edit?usp=sharing

So I quit training for this ultra. Withdrew from the race. It wasn't making me happy. I want to rest and recover.

So I'm eating more. Craving fats. I haven't touched a barbell. The running shoes lay in the corner. I'm getting there.

[tcw295]

78 days. 

And I'm still alive.

Where to start?

I took some time off. I ate intuitively. I ate more fat. Paleolithic keto, or keto animal foods....I tried some of that. Think I finally dropped into ketosis for the first time, because when I would eat fat, I would get high. Literally. It wore off after a week, but for a magical friggin week I was able to touch that MDMA experience again through animal fat. I ended up chasing that for a while, food stopped giving me that energy, I would binge trying to get energy, it sucked.

So I eventually did another thyroid test, dropping it down another level, to see my iodine. Low as heck! So I started supplementing iodine, and a dessicated thyroid pill. I think I'm 5 weeks into that routine and....

I might just be getting somewhere. I can wake up with 97 degree temperatures. I can fast for 24 hours and not be 95 degrees inside. I had some successes with one meal a day, and did some amazing movement workshops fasted. So this week I pushed it a step further. Alternate day fasting. I gorged saturday night, then waited til monday night to eat again. Even pulled off a 20 rep set of backsquats. So then I did a three day fast, breaking it on the 4th of july. Did a 70 pound getup and hefted a 142 pound atlas stone in the morning before eating. This. Is. Working. I'm combining my resources with my goals, seeking prescence and mindfulness in whatever I do. I'm keeping busy and keeping visible.

This year is awesome.

[tcw295]

2019 was a great year for disordered eating.

 

How did it end you ask? In treatment. I went back to Hawaii in september for....the ultimate Hawaiian trail run! A bunch of folks from the our gym got a big house and we all hung out and did the thing. I unfortunately, broke, between everyones food and body talk, and did a lot of binging. When I came back I just exerted more control with fasting, low energy meals, and activity.

October came around. I went back down south for another beautiful MKP weekend, my 1 year anniversary, back on staff. Same story as Hawaii. I was triggered, and basically binged for two days.... every chance I got. I came to the world perplexed, and knew this wasn't right. Carnivore was just a bandaid. I looked into eating disorder treatment. 

 

Overeaters anonymous was weird. Nobody actually talked about food. Its like they danced around the topic, because they were all broken, but all broken together! I had been telling myself the story of I am broken for too long. Not gonna happen anymore. On the advice of a therapist, I found the emily program. I showed up the week of halloween, and took lot of hard glances at me and my habits. Not even a week into this, I also started PTI: a personal transformation intensive. Weekend retreats, monthly. They provide the food, by the way. Can you guess how long it took me to break down the first night?

 

Through the end of the year, I did some hard fucking work. I looked at my shadows of inadequacy, my coping mechanisms, and the ways I easily fall into the victim triangle. I took in love. I connected with a new family. I shared my burdens.

 

I left treatment at the end of the year. I shot my scale and took a sledgehammer to it. Best thing I've done in years. TEP was great but I wanted to invest the money into therapy. As great as it is to sharpen my intuitive eating, my problems go deeper than eating dessert with a bunch of strangers a few times a week while pausing to check hunger and fullness. A binge is a cry for help. A cry for love. And boy, I did not have a lot of love for me. I began 2020 in empowered disorder: with new awareness I operate at a much more conscious level.

 

Since then, a lot has changed, ive got through periods of fasting, no restriction, carnivore, carnivore and fruit, calorie tracking, no tracking....all under the pressure of a pandemic. I have new resources, and when I try to go to sleep and use my old ways, it often hurts: I cant close the door on my new awarenesses. I shift from weakness to strenghth and back again, from present enjoyment to goal mode and back.....its been a trip. Really grateful to discovering the ecstatic dance and ido movement community last year: those have been keeping me sane and connected. Highly recommend movement culture, way more fun than doing the same old movement patterns in a gym. There is so much possible!

 

I am enough. I am beautiful. My body is amazing no matter what size it is. I am more than fitness guy. I have a unique spark and when my needs are met, I shine, and change the world with my gifts.

 

Also, 3 years after getting it as a wedding present, Im now using slothy as a wonderful externalization of my inner child, to build up my own resources. Hes great company.

 

 

[Sloth the Enduring]

I’m glad you’re back TCW.

[Elastigirl]

Welcome back! SOunds like you've done a lot of hard work, and now you are enjoying life much more!

[tcw295]

Thanks friends! If it werent for being subscribed to the intuitive eating thread, I'd likely have forgotten about this place. Someone posted for the first time since september! What a world.

PS: the useless skill the pandemic has given me is juggling.