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It's a tender subject, and for some of us can be difficult to bring up even in our logs or challenges, even when we need support the most! I'm starting this thread after several individuals approached me for posting openly about my on going battle with disordered eating and body dysmorphia. (I'm winning, btw, beating that nasty little thought pattern into dust! But more on that later...)

 

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This is a safe space to support each other, ask questions, and talk about progress with personal battles in disordered eating, which can come in many shapes and forms, effect men and women of any age, body type or fitness level. Types of disordered eating include the following:
 
Anorexia
Highly restrictive eating
Over eating
Constant eating
Bulimia
 
 
This is a discussion group for individuals with similar issues. Sometimes it's enough just to know that you're not alone! (You're not.) If you think you have a serious problem with disordered eating, you can find out more about treatment options from your health care provider. 
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So, I guess I'll start, just to get the ball rolling!

 

I am: 36 year old female, Warrior by light of day, Druidic Monk by cover of night. I am currently in the 3rd wave of a re-feed (or reverse diet for the body building set)  This past spring I realized I was maintaining BW at around 800-900 calories and knew I had to fix my metabolism. Considering the 2+ hours of heavy weight lifting I was doing 4 times a week, it just wasn't sustainable. (Worst part is, I didn't even realize I was so low!) I went up to 1200, then 1400, and am now shooting for 1600, with a goal of 1800 - 2000 by the end of the year.

 

I've had issues my entire adult life, starting with obsessive over eating at 13, followed by many years of bulimia. Even though my danger years were long gone, it wasn't until I was about 30 that I stopped using purges as portion control methods. (Okay, okay, and the occasional binge/purge combo.) I gained about 25# of I'm-okay-with-who-I-am weight, (AKA eat like an asshole while getting lazy and totally out of shape), and decided last year, FINALLY, to get my health under control. Unfortunately, since I never really had any professional guidance with my recovery and re-feed, I went into extreme calorie deficit for about 8-9 months. Yeah, I lost the weight. I also walked the earth like a zombie the entire time.

 

SO. Even though the results have spoken for themselves every time I've increased my daily intake, I still get that weird quiet panic the first week (now), while waiting for the initial bloat to settle and my body to adapt. I guess I'm kind lucky, it only takes a few weeks, but that's long enough to make me irrationally depressed about it. Fortunately I'm one to get more angry about depression than shut down, so I'm just gonna keep on powering through and have faith that my body will adapt to the new (and BETTER) conditions I'm providing for it. After all, we're human! We were made to adapt :D

 

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Thank you for making this RedStone!!!!

 

I don't have what would be any of the traditional eating disorders, but definitely disordered habits surrounding food. I'm learning and trying my hardest every day to just go with it and eat what make me happy, when I'm hungry, and what makes me feel good.

 

My story, I was 161 lbs and started my weight loss journey. Somewhere a few months in I started counting macros and slowly became obsessive about counting macros. I would avoid social events for fear of not being able to accurately track my food. I would scrutinize menus days beforehand to determine what would best fit and plan the rest of my day around going out for one lunch. I would have intense guilt about eating things such as one tortilla chip, or a piece of dark chocolate. Counting calories and macros can be a good thing for some people (and it was for me in the beginning to help better learn portion sizes and what my body requires!) however I was obsessively weighing and counting everything that went in my body and it became too much.

 

At my lowest I was in the 120's. Sitting at a much happier and still healthy ~142 right now and still learning how to overcome guilt associated with food. I'm not really over it yet, but still trying to find a good balance between eating whatever I want whenever I want, and eating healthy without being obsessed.

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8 hours ago, miss_marissa said:

I would have intense guilt about eating things such as one tortilla chip, or a piece of dark chocolate. Counting calories and macros can be a good thing for some people (and it was for me in the beginning to help better learn portion sizes and what my body requires!) however I was obsessively weighing and counting everything that went in my body and it became too much.

 

Ugh, and I totally need tracking for that exact reason! I can't be trusted to eyeball portion sizes at this stage, and part of me is like, really RedStone? How old are we and this is what we have to do? But it wasn't until I really started tracking closely that I realized how little I was taking in, and at the time it was really awful to track. I saw the amount of calories I had left for my day decreasing, and it felt like I was loosing them! !s I was eating throughout the day! So very logical. :P I had to keep reminding myself that it was something I was gathering, something precious like a life force LOL (I actually used a visual of seeing little empty Zelda hearts being filled up as I fulfilled my macro goals.) 

 

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8 hours ago, miss_marissa said:

At my lowest I was in the 120's. Sitting at a much happier and still healthy ~142 right now and still learning how to overcome guilt associated with food. I'm not really over it yet, but still trying to find a good balance between eating whatever I want whenever I want, and eating healthy without being obsessed.

 

What is it with the guilt? I feel that too, even talking about eating makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Is it one of those - raised thinking you're supossed to take care of yourself in a certain way - kind of thing? Which is double weird because I was raised in a house that loved all things food, and all things food was love. Since I just got back from traveling (and not tracking at all), I'm trying to allow a certain amount of IIFYM without going hog wild with junk...

 

Oh wait - this is kind of funny... the little things we do to keep ourselves sane! It seems that I can't actually be trusted to hit my cal goals properly, so I have to trick myself by setting my goal 200 cals higher than my real goal. It's like I need to see the surplus at the end of the day. Kind of like that friend that's always an hour late so you tell him things start an hour earlier so he'll be right on time... Life is weird :P 

 

 

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11 hours ago, ~RedStone~ said:

I actually used a visual of seeing little empty Zelda hearts being filled up as I fulfilled my macro goals.) 

 

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That's awesome!

 

The guilt sucks!! And the worst part I found, was that it wasn't always internal. Sometimes it was a comment from a coworker or a friend or something. "Oh I thought you were eating healthy" which would spiral me into a deep dark abyss of guilt and shame. 

 

A great step to overcome this is to just NOT comment about peoples food choices, bodies, etc unless the conversation is welcomed and initiated by someone else.

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5 minutes ago, miss_marissa said:

A great step to overcome this is to just NOT comment about peoples food choices, bodies, etc unless the conversation is welcomed and initiated by someone else.

 

100% agreed. And probably why it's a good thing to have a place like this, where we can engage in appropriate levels of discussions about our goals without putting ourselves at risk for those things.

 

I have to wonder too, I mean, I've heard some people say that comments like that come from a place of jealousy or, more likely, displaced responsibility, (like, I'm not doing anything about my health, but I thought you were...) but I dunno. I bet some people are just making conversation and not even realizing it that it could be hurtful or damaging! Or maybe I'm just too trusting of humanity LOL

 

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Hey everyone...popping in to say hello. I'm 32 years old and just recently coming out of a relapse of sorts. I've had a hard time with disordered eating since I was about 17. I have been a part of those terribly sad websites where eating disorders are glorified and almost encouraged, which is why I'm here now. Looking to replace those websites with something positive for my body and mind. 

 

Anyways, I'm really glad this post exists (thank you @~RedStone~) It's nice to be surrounded by people who understand. After relapsing into my restriction ways, I have fallen into a binge cycle at the moment and am desperately hoping to get out of it in a healthy way.

 

I'll be sticking around this thread as it seems like it will be such a great support system of people! Let's get strong and healthy!!! 

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39 minutes ago, ~RedStone~ said:

 

100% agreed. And probably why it's a good thing to have a place like this, where we can engage in appropriate levels of discussions about our goals without putting ourselves at risk for those things.

 

I have to wonder too, I mean, I've heard some people say that comments like that come from a place of jealousy or, more likely, displaced responsibility, (like, I'm not doing anything about my health, but I thought you were...) but I dunno. I bet some people are just making conversation and not even realizing it that it could be hurtful or damaging! Or maybe I'm just too trusting of humanity LOL

 

I think that is true! Coming from a place of insecurity or jealousy. Sometimes it does just come from ignorance as well, generally not meaning to be harmful. Like I can still do the "healthy" thing and having one burrito doesn't mean that I'm not doing the healthy thing anymore, but it just means that I'm eating a damn burrito. 

Healthy is not an "on" or "off" switch. It is a journey and everyone is at a different step on that journey and we need to be respectful of where everyone is. 

 

18 minutes ago, CloneClubber said:

Hey everyone...popping in to say hello. I'm 32 years old and just recently coming out of a relapse of sorts. I've had a hard time with disordered eating since I was about 17. I have been a part of those terribly sad websites where eating disorders are glorified and almost encouraged, which is why I'm here now. Looking to replace those websites with something positive for my body and mind. 

 

Anyways, I'm really glad this post exists (thank you @~RedStone~) It's nice to be surrounded by people who understand. After relapsing into my restriction ways, I have fallen into a binge cycle at the moment and am desperately hoping to get out of it in a healthy way.

 

I'll be sticking around this thread as it seems like it will be such a great support system of people! Let's get strong and healthy!!! 

Welcome! we are here for you girl :)

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On 9/2/2016 at 11:06 AM, CloneClubber said:

 I have been a part of those terribly sad websites where eating disorders are glorified and almost encouraged, which is why I'm here now. Looking to replace those websites with something positive for my body and mind. 

 

On 9/2/2016 at 11:31 AM, miss_marissa said:

Healthy is not an "on" or "off" switch. It is a journey and everyone is at a different step on that journey and we need to be respectful of where everyone is. 

 

Can't help but feel that these ideas are related! It's a tough balance for me, even on instagram, where I like to have a library of inspiration, but how easily an account can seem great at first then reveal itself to be all about this dreadful glorification and strut of ideals. (Which is philosophically unsound by definition anyway...) 

 

I was browsing around this morning and came across this inspirational story, thought I'd share! I know I relate to all sides of this story.

 

 

 

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Hello, I don't really know if this fits here, but I used to be 5-6 kilos underweight plus had anemia, for 4 years or so. This was due to being depressed and constantly anxious; all and any other factors were related to this.

Managed to get back to my original lowish but healthy weight about two months ago (during my 4th challenge here :) ). That made me very happy!

 

On the other hand, the last few weeks I began to notice an Alien being produced in my stomach, lol, so this challenge (last week, actually) I upgraded my diet/eating choices.

We'll see how this turns out, with hopefully some improvement in a month or so.

 

Reading this thread made me think that it might be useful to be conscious about extremes regarding eating as well, in case my approach ever starts affecting my life and happiness, thank you @~RedStone~ !

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2 hours ago, Aeri-sand said:

 

Managed to get back to my original lowish but healthy weight about two months ago (during my 4th challenge here :) ). That made me very happy!

 

On the other hand, the last few weeks I began to notice an Alien being produced in my stomach, lol, so this challenge (last week, actually) I upgraded my diet/eating choices.

 

YAY AERI!!!!!!! That great news! Great work :D 

 

Yeah, anxiety is a big catalyst for lots of my behavior too, and it's such a nasty cycle... I don't eat because I'm anxious, then I become anxious because I don't! I almost had a little moment like that tonight, I had about 500cals left and I didn't have anything prepared. Almost shut down and left my day under 1000cals, but had a little chat with myself along the lines of how not everyday is going to be perfect, and that, yes, I'd rather eat a round meal of great super healthy food, but I still have to eat, so go eat the stuff and keep repairing your metabolism lol. So I did :P 

 

Good luck with the new goals! I have to swing by your challenge and root you on ;) Huzzah for Aeri!!!

 

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I don't know that I've ever had an eating disorder, but there have been times when I've had a strained relationship with food. I've never been underweight, but I'd go through bouts of just not eating enough. (At my highest I've been moderately overweight, but my body does a good job of hiding it. But even at my lowest I still felt "fat" even though I was near the middle of the healthy range.) And that's not counting all the times that I plain just forget to eat because I'm too engrossed in whatever game I was playing or book I was reading.

 

When I was younger, it usually happened because I was just too depressed to bother with food. It was at it's worst when I was in my first couple years of high school, and I think the only reason I didn't lose a bunch of weight was because I was so depressed that I mostly just stayed in bed when I wasn't in school. 

 

In more recent years, it's been more of the, I shouldn't eat because I'm "fat". So I would go through short periods of skipping meals or going to bed hungry because I didn't deserve to eat. Because the number on the scale went up. Because this pair of pants I really like doesn't fit anymore. And it didn't help that I couldn't really talk to anyone about it because whenever I said I wanted to lose weight, my (more obviously overweight) friends would just say "What? You're not fat, I'm the one who's fat! (etc)" And it didn't help that so much stuff about disordered eating was/is directed towards women. And it really stung when my university started a support group, but only opened it to women. And it's so hard to pull out of that thinking when it feels like no one will ever take you seriously because you don't fit the "stereotypical eating disorder chick" archetype. <_<

 

I hope all of that was coherent, I should probably really be sleeping right now.

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On 9/4/2016 at 10:59 PM, zeroh13 said:

I don't know that I've ever had an eating disorder, but there have been times when I've had a strained relationship with food. I've never been underweight, but I'd go through bouts of just not eating enough. (At my highest I've been moderately overweight, but my body does a good job of hiding it. But even at my lowest I still felt "fat" even though I was near the middle of the healthy range.) And that's not counting all the times that I plain just forget to eat because I'm too engrossed in whatever game I was playing or book I was reading.

 

When I was younger, it usually happened because I was just too depressed to bother with food. It was at it's worst when I was in my first couple years of high school, and I think the only reason I didn't lose a bunch of weight was because I was so depressed that I mostly just stayed in bed when I wasn't in school. 

 

In more recent years, it's been more of the, I shouldn't eat because I'm "fat". So I would go through short periods of skipping meals or going to bed hungry because I didn't deserve to eat. Because the number on the scale went up. Because this pair of pants I really like doesn't fit anymore. And it didn't help that I couldn't really talk to anyone about it because whenever I said I wanted to lose weight, my (more obviously overweight) friends would just say "What? You're not fat, I'm the one who's fat! (etc)" And it didn't help that so much stuff about disordered eating was/is directed towards women. And it really stung when my university started a support group, but only opened it to women. And it's so hard to pull out of that thinking when it feels like no one will ever take you seriously because you don't fit the "stereotypical eating disorder chick" archetype. <_<

 

I hope all of that was coherent, I should probably really be sleeping right now.

That is incredibly frustrating! 

We are here for you for support. I'm not sure how much help I can provide from a man's point of view, but I'm willing to give it my best shot.

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On 9/4/2016 at 11:59 PM, zeroh13 said:

it didn't help that so much stuff about disordered eating was/is directed towards women. And it really stung when my university started a support group, but only opened it to women. And it's so hard to pull out of that thinking when it feels like no one will ever take you seriously because you don't fit the "stereotypical eating disorder chick" archetype. <_<

 

In my limited experience, I think you're totally right. I've only personally known 2 fellows before that have (quietly) voiced having eating issues, and only after a very private and safe space between us was established. What I remember most about those men in particular was that they had this very lonely sense of isolation about them, where, especially in high school, there was this kind of negative camaraderie amongst the girls, like @CloneClubber mentioned about those "support" websites - oh, who is making the most progress being the most self destructive?

 

But for guys, yeah, I just don't see the support network at large being geared for them, even though we all know it can effect anyone, not to mention the body building community alone being rife with eating/body issues!

 

Thanks for speaking up @zeroh13 I hope other guys feel that they can speak up too and not be alone in this. So far as not wanting to eat cause "fat" and "jeans", I totally get that for sure :P it makes me so confused/happy/sad/frustrated/crazy when my best physical results come from eating more and better foods lol and I have definitely heard about people being shut down in their goals because they are not as far from them as other people. We all have a right to our goals, and hopefully together we can get to them in the healthiest ways possible :D 

 

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GAH. Well I'm having a bit of a re-spawn this week. Last week was a nightmare, I barely ate and when I did it was emergency on the road junk like pizza just to give myself a bit of fuel that I didn't even want. (I also consumed absurd amounts of coffee.) It was also shark week, and tech week before the show's opening so I was mega stressed and bloated to begin with... Cap off the fact that one of my costumes had never really fit me in the first place and I was a not a happy camper. BOO. (I almost lost it after one of my scenes in that skirt where I had to do something kind of physical and I thought I broke the zipper and was super pissed at wardrobe for making me wear it in the first place.)

 

Okay, fast forward and breathe, I did a batch cook this weekend and hit almost 1600 cals yesterday of the right stuff, (Even tho I had to make a bowl of brown rice noodles at the end of the day to get there), but my macros were on point and I am trying to remind myself that a few weeks of bloat will drop off if I just keep it up and stay active and all that. I had really good energy yesterday and capped off a 2 hour lift with a cardio circuit and then a HIIT jump rope sesh... I have a tendency to over do it in the gym when I'm stressed about this stuff and I don't think that helps the old re-feed. I'm probably better off skipping the HIIT stuff and going on a relaxing walk or bike ride... Just keep going, just keep going...

 

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9 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

That sounds like a really rough week. But it also sounds like you're making a comeback. Just keep going, and don't forget to breathe. :)

 

LOL thanks, I'm getting there! (and breathing was a big focus on my deadlift session today, no more fainting!) Today is going smoothly, it helped to have a bigger breakfast, and the only snag seems to be a bit of heartburn I've been having lately which is a bummer, I haven't had to deal with it on the regular since I lost the weight. I'm guessing the stress was a contributing factor to all of the above. Happy to be back to reality, hopefully that will help! 

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Ugh. As a teenager, I had EDNOS with anorexic tendencies. It was a really rough period in my life and I was obsessively counting calories, trying to get lower and lower everyday. The problem being, now I will still try to limit my food intake, but not nearly as restrictively as it once was. Sometimes after I eat I automatically feel sick that I ate and want to throw up, even though I've never purged. It's just hard because if I don't watch what I eat, I'll go to the other extreme and binge. *sigh*

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18 hours ago, liveforwonder said:

Ugh. As a teenager, I had EDNOS with anorexic tendencies. It was a really rough period in my life and I was obsessively counting calories, trying to get lower and lower everyday. The problem being, now I will still try to limit my food intake, but not nearly as restrictively as it once was. Sometimes after I eat I automatically feel sick that I ate and want to throw up, even though I've never purged. It's just hard because if I don't watch what I eat, I'll go to the other extreme and binge. *sigh*

 

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through all that :( It's so hard to find that sweet spot in between extremes! I feel like that's kind of the ongoing challenge, at least for me anyway. What are your current fitness goals?

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So happy to see this. A few years ago I suffered with an eating disorder. Of course, I've made a lot of progress and whilst I do still fall into some disordered thought patterns in times of stress, I no longer feel that it dictates my life to the point of identifying as "EDNOS with anorexic tendencies" anymore; for the most part, I have won! Its great. I suffer with body dysmorphia but again, have faith that I can kick this problem to the curb with time and support! There are definitely times where it is better and times where it is worst... but really, knowing that there is a place to talk safely about this without being judged is a huge relief for me. I know already that I don't want to talk about it on my daily battle log or challenges; partly due to fear and partly due to the fact that it can be difficult to address for myself. Right now I'm doing alright but there is always progress to be made!

 

Anywho, thank you so much for making this thread.

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6 hours ago, ~RedStone~ said:

 

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through all that :( It's so hard to find that sweet spot in between extremes! I feel like that's kind of the ongoing challenge, at least for me anyway. What are your current fitness goals?

Well the issue was, after I got through my period with EDNOS, I was scared to monitor any of my food intake or anything like that. Sooooo fast forward and I gained a lot of weight. So now I'm looking to lose some of that again and reach a happy medium that I'm comfortable with. So I guess my goals are: lose some weight, be stronger, build a habit of fitness.

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3 hours ago, liveforwonder said:

Well the issue was, after I got through my period with EDNOS, I was scared to monitor any of my food intake or anything like that. Sooooo fast forward and I gained a lot of weight. So now I'm looking to lose some of that again and reach a happy medium that I'm comfortable with. 

 

Yeah, that's basically how mine went too - bulemia nervosa - and I more or less self recovered and never really learned how to eat properly... Gained a bunch of weight, then lost it again with a severe caloric deficit. Fast forward to now and I'm finally learning how to eat and I've never felt so healthy before! What kind of fitness practices are you getting in to? 

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4 hours ago, Stellakin said:

So happy to see this. A few years ago I suffered with an eating disorder. Of course, I've made a lot of progress and whilst I do still fall into some disordered thought patterns in times of stress, I no longer feel that it dictates my life to the point of identifying as "EDNOS with anorexic tendencies" anymore; for the most part, I have won! Its great. I suffer with body dysmorphia but again, have faith that I can kick this problem to the curb with time and support! There are definitely times where it is better and times where it is worst... but really, knowing that there is a place to talk safely about this without being judged is a huge relief for me. I know already that I don't want to talk about it on my daily battle log or challenges; partly due to fear and partly due to the fact that it can be difficult to address for myself. Right now I'm doing alright but there is always progress to be made!

 

Anywho, thank you so much for making this thread.

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YAY! I'm so glad this is benefiting people :) This is exactly why we're here :D So many of us have quietly voiced a need for a place to talk openly without feeling bad/ashamed etc or being put down. Problems are problems and everyone gets support! You get support! You get support! You get support! 

 

Congrats on getting through the rough years, and yeah, that ugly dysmorphia rears it's nasty head from time to time. What do you do when you feel it creeping in? I usually do some pampering of some sort, like an at home facial. Or I'll have a mega sweaty hike that for some reason gives me the same glow as a facial LOL 

 

We CAN do it!!!

 

WpzmBMq.gif

 

(Jeez, I need more high five GIFS :P)

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25 minutes ago, ~RedStone~ said:

 

YAY! I'm so glad this is benefiting people :) This is exactly why we're here :D So many of us have quietly voiced a need for a place to talk openly without feeling bad/ashamed etc or being put down. Problems are problems and everyone gets support! You get support! You get support! You get support! 

 

Congrats on getting through the rough years, and yeah, that ugly dysmorphia rears it's nasty head from time to time. What do you do when you feel it creeping in? I usually do some pampering of some sort, like an at home facial. Or I'll have a mega sweaty hike that for some reason gives me the same glow as a facial LOL 

 

We CAN do it!!

 

(Jeez, I need more high five GIFS :P)

 

Hello! This really is helping; I feel like a lot of us probably see it as our deep, dark secret - even on a site like this in which eating and fitness is the focal point. And hm, what do I do when I get a case of the "body blues"? That is a good question. I do the same as you; after payday I'll book myself in for a facial or a massage. I've found that something really helpful for me has been to take really good care of my skin. I know that sounds crazy but I have a whole skincare routine complete with serum, sheet masks, face masks, moisturizer, eye cream, night cream, etc... What sounds like a tedious chore has actually become a bit of a self-pamper routine at night, to unwind after work and before I go to sleep. Keeps my skin glowing and gives me one thing off the top of my head that I can say "actually, I like that about myself"; Keeping care of yourself is really difficult to do so if you can turn those negative, destructive habits into positive, self-care ones, that's a win-win! :D

 

Don't worry, I have enough gifs to keep us covered B)

 

Image result for high five gif

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