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HEY EVERYONE! Happy New Year! 

 

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It's been pretty quiet around these fronts, can be a stressful time for eating and stuff! I have definitely been feeling the pressure the last few months but I'm feeling positive about a new start and wanted to see how everyone is doing!  I had a really unexpected experience last night I thought I'd jump in and share, maybe see if anyone has any thoughts about goals/successes/losses and ideas for a New Year :onthego:

 

So at the end of my last challenge, I found myself letting out a few hard truths about this past year and my journey through it... specifically about the transition from being quiet and secretive about my issues to letting them out and being honest with others... and thus myself.

 

(Do you guys ever do this? Start writing one thing and then just going going going?) I seem to be doing it a lot lately, and this morning I started updating my thread and the following hapenned... After it came out I thought maybe I should share it here instead. So here goes.

 

_____

 

Had a surprising experience last night.

 

Yesterday was not... great for eating. I started late, I hated every second of it, struggled all day. Then I drank wine and unsuccessfully tried to jump the car (the one that's been off road since the license thing - the battery died)... frustrated, cold, and blah, I mindlessly chipped off some nasty stale candy from the gingerbread house (not much and didn't enjoy it), and went all in with some hummus and wheat thins with the man when I realized he hadn't had any dinner yet. This is the point where I would go in for some maintenance* because candy and excess. but I did not. Okay, great, but that's not the weird part. I've been teetering between TCB (maintenance) and not for years. Some nights I do, some I don't. And until last year... the prior 5 years have been mostly almost completetly not. What was weird was that I said it out loud: I'm not going to do this. I said it to Mr Red, and I said it to a close friend. I said it out loud and to two different people!!! I don't think I've ever done that. I'm surprised and pleased and maybe feeling a teeny bit raw and exposed. But I think it's probably a very good step.

 

Someone recently told me that good things come from heartbreak. At first... the sentiment just opened some deep wounds and I felt crushed. But they're right. From light comes dark and dark comes light. One doesn't exist without the other. I've said it so many times... but it can be hard to apply to real life.

 

I wasn't planning on writing this all out, today, or ever, but I started and now it's all coming out. Kind of amazing that we have these waves together... I wonder if any of this would be possible for me if not for the folks going through similar things here. I know we're talking about different details, but the idea of being open and raw... it's not easy. But it's easier when you're not the only one. 

 

*The thing about "maintenance"...

Spoiler

 

Maintenance is an easy way for me to describe purging episodes in a way that takes the bad out of it. It's similar to the pro-ana and pro-mia sites that sometimes glorify the behavior, or at least mask the horrors behind pillowy language. It also helps me feel less embarrassed about the reality of it, and logistically, is more accurate in terms of how it manifests in my life.

 

To explain my personal experience a bit more, my early years of ED were marked with very intense binge and purge episodes... the kind we think of when we think of bulimia... and it lasted a pretty long time, maybe 5 or 6 years. When I say my "danger zone", I'm referring to the top of those years when I was dangerously underweight... for someone my size that was in the 70-80# range. After my first "recovery" I got myself up to about 90# and stayed there for a long time, but for about 10 years I used purging as a way to control and maintain that weight. I didn't do it at every meal, usually just once a day or not even, depending on how much or little I had. It wasn't violent or filled with tears, it was quiet and discreet and often handled without notice in a restaurant or wherever. I have good food discipline in general, but would take a cheat meal and simply "remove" half of it after the fact. In my head this was a convenient method for portion control, and I lived like that for a decade. I didn't know the damage I was doing to my metabolism or esophageal tube, and I'm lucky that there wasn't more like some of the others I have met.

 

 

 

 

 

_____

 

My thoughts: Language goes so far in how we perceive the things around us. The way we speak about ourselves and our actions... So I guess what i'm thinking is that being open about my intentions is a new way of thinking about "maintenance." Maintaining honesty to myself by allowing others to know my intentions. It's easy to slip into the other room, slap on some lipstick and pretend that EVERYTHING IS OKAY. But it's not the kind of maintenance I need. Flip the script.

 

Any ideas on how ya'll can flip the script going forward?

 

Love you guys, and hope everyone is well. <3 

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*hugs*

 

I've been working on being more raw and honest/open (at least on the forums), and I've found its not something that I can just change overnight. I've always been the kind of person to just hold everything in and beat myself up over it later. I don't want people to think that the only thing I can do is complain.

 

My eating has been off to a very rocky start this year. I've been completely dependent on my wife to make me food, and to buy the food. So it's been a lot of junk food, and probably not as much food as I need (there have been huge gaps between lunch and dinner, and I'm lucky if I get breakfast because she sleeps till noon). And a part of me is like "hey, maybe I'll lose some weight from this". But, no. I don't need to lose weight. I should probably actually be eating more than normal because I'm sure my body is using up a lot of energy trying to repair itself. (I can tell my energy levels are low because just going to the bathroom and back to the bedroom leaves me completely exhausted.)

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7 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

*hugs*

 

I've been working on being more raw and honest/open (at least on the forums), and I've found its not something that I can just change overnight. I've always been the kind of person to just hold everything in and beat myself up over it later. I don't want people to think that the only thing I can do is complain.

 

 

Yeah I can connect with that. This has been a long time in the making for me, and probably the reason I'm so careful and mindful with my language choices in the first place. Venting (I see in your thread) I would say is not the same as complaining! These things need to go somewhere, letting them out in different ways is necessary as I'm sure you're navigating. How you do it is up to you, public, private, it's all about comfort and what's best for you at the moment. This seems to be working for me right now... in bursts anyway ;) ... too much at once is overwhelming! I kind of just let it come out when it wants to come out :D But I think this weekend a bit of a mental health break is in order.

 

7 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

My eating has been off to a very rocky start this year. I've been completely dependent on my wife to make me food, and to buy the food. So it's been a lot of junk food, and probably not as much food as I need (there have been huge gaps between lunch and dinner, and I'm lucky if I get breakfast because she sleeps till noon). And a part of me is like "hey, maybe I'll lose some weight from this". But, no. I don't need to lose weight. I should probably actually be eating more than normal because I'm sure my body is using up a lot of energy trying to repair itself. (I can tell my energy levels are low because just going to the bathroom and back to the bedroom leaves me completely exhausted.)

 

Maybe it's time for a big conversation with the SO? Or at least arrange some easier to manipulate foods... breakfast bars etc in arm's reach of the bed... that kind if thing? Being in a limited physical capacity is a huge game changer for basic routines... setting up some ways to navigate the physical world may be a big help with those little things that suddenly feel so big!!! Love and luck working through this time <3

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10 hours ago, RedStone said:

 

Yeah I can connect with that. This has been a long time in the making for me, and probably the reason I'm so careful and mindful with my language choices in the first place. Venting (I see in your thread) I would say is not the same as complaining! These things need to go somewhere, letting them out in different ways is necessary as I'm sure you're navigating. How you do it is up to you, public, private, it's all about comfort and what's best for you at the moment. This seems to be working for me right now... in bursts anyway ;) ... too much at once is overwhelming! I kind of just let it come out when it wants to come out :D But I think this weekend a bit of a mental health break is in order.

I'm definitely looking forward to just trying to relax over the weekend.

 

10 hours ago, RedStone said:

Maybe it's time for a big conversation with the SO? Or at least arrange some easier to manipulate foods... breakfast bars etc in arm's reach of the bed... that kind if thing? Being in a limited physical capacity is a huge game changer for basic routines... setting up some ways to navigate the physical world may be a big help with those little things that suddenly feel so big!!! Love and luck working through this time <3

When she went to the store a few days ago, I asked her to bring me back a couple things that I could easily carry in my pocket. And she brought me back two little (single serving) bags of peanuts. Not exactly what I had in mind. And yesterday I asked for a big lunch, cause I didn't have breakfast. She made me a veggie burger on a couple slices of bread, with some awesomesauce (yes, it's really called that, and yes, that's the reason I bought it). That's about 400 calories. Not exactly big... So I really do need to talk to her about it.

 

Thanks!

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I do love food but A LOT of my eating is emotional, boredom, and random cravings to just eat eat eat.. :/

 

Never been actually diagnosed with any type of eating disorder...though I have downed a full pot of leftover chili in one day, the same for a lot of leftover meals we have. 

 

when we cook, it is a lot so the leftovers are enough for like 6 people. 

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Hi everybody.

 

So I've been a picky eater my entire life.

 

When I was young (around four or five years old), I used to love ketchup. I ate it on literally everything. Then, one day, I discovered that ketchup was made of tomatoes. But I didn't like tomatoes.

 

I haven't eaten ketchup since. The thought of eating ketchup makes me want to gag.

 

I have a problem.

 

Everyone always told me that it would go away when I went to University. Except that it didn't. I just got even more control over my picky eating. Now that I was cooking all my own meals, I could indulge every single one of my crazies.

 

Three years ago, I decided that I had had enough. I needed to improve. When we first got serious, I jokingly promised my wife that I would let her die first. With my current diet, that wasn't going to be a promise I could keep.

 

So I started to try and eat more food.

 

I haven't made as much progress as I would have liked. I can now eat stews, which was something that I explicitly couldn't do when I was younger. I have reintroduced broccoli to my diet. I put blueberries in my porridge. These are all things that I could never have done three years ago. But it's still not very much. It's not enough.

 

I'm very good at my job. Very good. One of the best in my field, in fact (although, to be fair, it's a small field). I don't say this to brag. I say this to explain. I'm used to being competent. I'm used to winning. I'm used to being capable.

 

So to be brought down by a single tomato? By a single slice of cucumber? It's humiliating. Disgusting. Awful. Even writing this, alone in my study, has me blushing with embarrassment. The fact that I'm posting something like this? Terrifying. I once wrote up a similar post with a completely throwaway Reddit account and couldn't bring myself to post it. People know I have issues with food. But if people knew the full extent of my issues? That would be quite genuinely terrifying.

 

But I am fighting back.

 

Today, I went to the fridge. I looked at all the food there. Except I didn't just look at my food. I looked at my wife's food as well.

 

Today, I ate a tomato. It took my about twenty minutes and four tries. But I did it.

 

Today I respawned.

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I take a completely different approach when it comes to food I don't like. I find other food to like instead. Or say, I don't like ketchup, so I'll use something else. I'm not going to force myself to like something because it's easy, or "everyone" likes it, or it's healthy. 

 

A lot of the food I don't like is okay in small amounts if it's mixed in with something. Though sometimes I'll still pick it out.

 

I'm also willing to try new foods (as long as it's vegetarian, and it doesn't smell awful). And every once in a while I'll try something I don't like to see if my tastes have changed. Like, when I was a kid I hated all condiments. Now, there are a few I like, and more that I don't.

 

It can also help to figure out why you don't like particular foods. Like with me, there is some food that I can't stand just because of the texture. And sometimes I'll find out that I didn't like a particular food because whoever cooked/prepared it the first time I had it didn't know what they were doing.

 

It might also help to consider why you want to like these foods.

 

Of course, all this is just my experience, and it might not be useful or apply to anyone else. 

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On 2/15/2017 at 9:07 AM, Just Eric said:

Hi everybody.

 

So I've been a picky eater my entire life.

 

When I was young (around four or five years old), I used to love ketchup. I ate it on literally everything. Then, one day, I discovered that ketchup was made of tomatoes. But I didn't like tomatoes.

 

I haven't eaten ketchup since. The thought of eating ketchup makes me want to gag.

 

I have a problem.

 

Everyone always told me that it would go away when I went to University. Except that it didn't. I just got even more control over my picky eating. Now that I was cooking all my own meals, I could indulge every single one of my crazies.

 

Three years ago, I decided that I had had enough. I needed to improve. When we first got serious, I jokingly promised my wife that I would let her die first. With my current diet, that wasn't going to be a promise I could keep.

 

So I started to try and eat more food.

 

I haven't made as much progress as I would have liked. I can now eat stews, which was something that I explicitly couldn't do when I was younger. I have reintroduced broccoli to my diet. I put blueberries in my porridge. These are all things that I could never have done three years ago. But it's still not very much. It's not enough.

 

I'm very good at my job. Very good. One of the best in my field, in fact (although, to be fair, it's a small field). I don't say this to brag. I say this to explain. I'm used to being competent. I'm used to winning. I'm used to being capable.

 

So to be brought down by a single tomato? By a single slice of cucumber? It's humiliating. Disgusting. Awful. Even writing this, alone in my study, has me blushing with embarrassment. The fact that I'm posting something like this? Terrifying. I once wrote up a similar post with a completely throwaway Reddit account and couldn't bring myself to post it. People know I have issues with food. But if people knew the full extent of my issues? That would be quite genuinely terrifying.

 

But I am fighting back.

 

Today, I went to the fridge. I looked at all the food there. Except I didn't just look at my food. I looked at my wife's food as well.

 

Today, I ate a tomato. It took my about twenty minutes and four tries. But I did it.

 

Today I respawned.

Just saw this , congrats on eating the tomato! I was a super picky eater. When I had my son, I realized that I had to change. I still was picky, but not as picky. My son is now grown, and most foods I will eat, might not enjoy all of them, but I will eat them. Just did pretty much what you were doing, pick a food and decide to eat it. A lot of it is mental, and once you start eating more foods, it gets easier. And I learn how to cook them so the textures are better. Still not very crazy about raw mushroom, but if I cook them up and put them in soup, they are o.k. Tomatoes I decided I like ones from my garden. Other than that I don't eat them much.

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On 2/15/2017 at 0:07 PM, Just Eric said:

The fact that I'm posting something like this? Terrifying. AMAZING

 

Fixed this for you :) The fact that you've come here and laid this out for us is awesome, being open about issues is a huge step! Also stepping out of your comfort and trying new things, nice one. I'm only sorry that this thread tends to get a bit buried and late to respond!

 

My question for you is if you feel that your choices are detrimental to your physical health as well as mental. Not liking this or that is absolutely fine if it doesn't manifest as something dangerous like anorexia or orthorexia. On the other hand, if you feel that it's causing you terrible anxiety, it may be a good idea to consider where the need to be so selective in your diet comes from - is it about control? Restriction? Punishment? Typically with bigger issues there is a root problem (that may seem unrelated) causing the undesired behavior.

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I really don't want to talk about this. At all. But I need to... I had multiple eating disorders as a kid. My dad yelled at me because I was "eating too much" and "wasting money" on a day where all I had to eat was one sleeve of Ritz crackers... I think I was seven. My toddler tears through one sleeve in a day and still will eat like two waffles and six chicken nuggets. I understand we declared bankruptcy two years before and that I had three younger siblings and an older brother and two handicapped parents that still had to eat, and the 3x4 boxes of leftover bread from the grocery store weren't anyone's favorite food. I don't think I deserved to be yelled at, now anyways, I did then. I really don't anymore. But it still haunts me, gives me anxiety every time I have to go grocery shopping and look at how expensive real food is in comparison to boxes of spaghetti. Even then, I still can't bring myself to eat any of the cheap food I bought. This was a recurring issue as a kid, and then as a teenager when my mom put me in charge of grocery shopping and budgeting (homeschooled kid, this wasn't even the weirdest thing I dealt with as a teenager)...

 

Because of the anxiety associated with food, ESPECIALLY after having a kid and then a second kid, my calorie intake RECORD since December 2013 was 1000 last April. I broke that record this last week, I made it to 1272 thanks to coworkers bringing in beignets... -.-  and those calorie counts are total, including sodas. I'm allergic to aspartame and sucralose, so I can't have "diet" anything. I'm replacing soda with protein shakes just to try to get extra nutrition in my body. 

 

With working out, my appetite is increasing, but the anxiety around food isn't going away and I hate that in order to survive and just build up an appetite, I have to resort to actual expensive food and still have panic attacks and not eat any of it! I swear I'm trying, but this has to be my most insurmountable mountain on the journey back to health. Working out, I was in martial arts for years, I know how to get back there. Food... I don't understand it at all and I hate food and I hate feeling guilty for breathing around food. I'm chubby because all the food I manage to eat goes straight to fat storage for starvation. Chubby is being nice, I'm significantly overweight because of the baby weight (my newborn isn't four months old yet) and the fat stores and chronic pain. If I'm lucky, I can eat one meal a day without panicking, but not seven days a week. Maybe four. It's infuriating but it's been this way for twenty-one years. I don't know how or where to start.

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12 minutes ago, Vendettaressa said:

I don't know how or where to start.

 

Hey you. Sounds like you're having a pretty rough go of things right now, and it's pretty awesome that you found a voice to speak up about it! Too many folks suffer in silence, and we're here for you. 

 

Sounds like you're on a smart track looking for liquid calories like protein shakes! And even meal replacement shakes if you can get them. Supplements helped me a lot when I was trying to get back over that 1000cal hump. Eventually that turned into simple smoothies with bananas and protein and even veggies. I still do that whenever I add more calories to my goals... but it's virtually impossible if you can't allow yourself what you need, and working through the roots of the issues will help. 

 

Making the jump from severe restriction to a healthy place is a slow process, and it's much easier with help. I've personally had my best experiences working with a social worker - she helped me develop coping methods for my disorders, and gave me the tools I needed to keep the healing process moving. I also like social workers because they understand difficulties and complications that arise from all sorts of family situations and have excellent resources to navigate that field, as well as working on a sliding scale making it easy to justify.

 

Stay strong and stick with your goals! Even when things get tough, we all fall down sometimes, and we're here to pick each other back up. :) 

 

 

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Disordered eating runs in the family. I don't think I have ever risen to diagnosable severity with it - but I have the tendency towards obsession with food that my relatives who have developed EDs do. For a while, I was going down the same path of restrictions and obsession as others in my family... and then I am not sure what happened. I realized the path I was on would end with me in hospital or dead and stopped. And, for me at the time it was that simple. But the same thing came back in my early 20s, and again in my mid 20s. Both times I walked to the edge of the abyss and was able to turn away for some reason. Now, I am trying to improve my eating habits without falling back into that old pattern. 

 

I know I haven't always had the healthiest approach to food and I am trying to improve on that front. I would like to find a happy medium between "make sure I get enough calories to not starve and ignore food otherwise" and "all-encompassing obsession", if one can exist for me.

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On 3/16/2017 at 4:01 PM, chemgeek said:

I know I haven't always had the healthiest approach to food and I am trying to improve on that front. I would like to find a happy medium between "make sure I get enough calories to not starve and ignore food otherwise" and "all-encompassing obsession", if one can exist for me.

 

Hey Chem! Sorry for the tardy, this past month has been insaneeeee. Welcome! Sadly, your story is very familiar, flirting with the edge and managing to pull back, over and over. I'm in a similar camp these days of looking for the healthy balance between too much obsession and just not eating enough. It's been a rollercoaster of a process over the years, but every time I swing around it gets a bit easier and I get closer to my goals.

 

So what approaches have you been trying out that are working? I know this hasn't been the most active thread lately but we go in waves, but feel free to talk anything out or pose questions or anything at all that might help you on your way :D 

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On 4/4/2017 at 8:36 PM, RedStone said:

So what approaches have you been trying out that are working? I know this hasn't been the most active thread lately but we go in waves, but feel free to talk anything out or pose questions or anything at all that might help you on your way :D 

 

I am trying calorie counting again because as a result of a combination of could-not-avoid things (work overtime, the Month-Long Asthma Attack of late December/most of January) and me just getting lazy and eating too much fast food, I've gone up 10 lbs. Which is not huge, but diabetes and heard disease run in the family so I want to take care of it while I'm still at a healthy weight as opposed to waiting until I'm at 195lbs again and waay back at post-a-year-off-all-activity-due-to-a-bad-skiing-accident me from high school (the mesomorph is strong in this one. I gain or lose weight easily depending on what I eat and how active I am. I realize how lucky I am compared to a lot of people on that front - my build and weight are a direct result of how I am eating and exercising, I don't have to worry about PCOS badness or thyroid issues or what have you). 

The big take-away for me this time though is that I've admitted what I actually want my body to look like, and it's not what everyone always pressured me to believe I want my body to look like. I don't actually want a body like Scarlett Johanson or whomever... What I want are muscles. I like having muscles. I was doing my soul-searching for Rising Heroes and I realized my "happy place" for my body was back when I was big into power-lifting in HS and used to get teased for my man-arms. After enough nagging from relatives that I was getting too butch (cuz "real girls" don't have upper-body muscles and my relatives were damn determined to turn me into a "real girl") and then I wound up spraining my knee very badly in a skiing accident which had me off everything more strenuous than walking for a year (long story) I wound up giving up lifting altogether. I just didn't have it in me to fight that fight with my relatives anymore... but, yeah. I realized this week that muscle-me is happy-with-my-body me. It's frivolous, and I'd guess from the complete-and-total-crickets situation in the women's forum when I asked if anyone else was looking to build a bit of muscle bulk that it's completely atypical, but it's how I like to look, so I'm going to start building that cuz life is too short to not make silly muscle poses at yourself in the mirror and look awesome doing it (I am not kidding about having a completely frivolous reason on this one). It was a thing that used to get me pumped up for facing the day, and I miss being able to do it and think unironically that I look strong and awesome. I mean, I still do it, I just don't look strong and awesome doing it. I look like a late-20s mostly-desk-jockey trying to look strong and awesome. But I want to actually look strong and awesome again. 

Weirdly - accepting that muscle-me is happy me and that not only is the willowy look not something my build will let me do easily but also not something I, personally, actually want or in fact have ever wanted seems to have, for now, helped me vanquish the food obsession monster. If I want muscles, I need to eat for muscles as well as working out for muscles. Every time I feel that, "I could cut that out and just skip [the snack/breakfast/whatever]" thought trying to snake its way back in on me, I can counter it with, "But I need that for muscles" without trouble. So, even though I'm getting back into stuff that I know triggers that thought process for me, it's been good so far. I'll keep you posted.

 

 

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51 minutes ago, chemgeek said:

the complete-and-total-crickets situation in the women's forum when I asked if anyone else was looking to build a bit of muscle bulk

 

Oh that's too bad! I don't know the academy or Rising Heros groups, but you might like to take a stroll over to the Warriors page! LOTS of lifting ladies there, plenty of talk about eating for gainz and glorious muscles and lifting for joy. I only know of one body builder in particular, who's really more of a lurker, but there's community available if you need! I also know of some outside communities just for women in the same vein.

 

Good luck! :D 

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So. Did my TDEE calculation yesterday. I apparently expend somewhere around 2300cal a day given my current activity level. I am therefore under-eating by around 500cal if I want to lose weight in a healthy way. Crap. 
 

Revising my calorie intake up, again. 2000 cal a day is the goal for TDEE. But healthy food, not like 1500 a day of healthy, hold it for a week and then binge on junk because I'm ridiculously under my calorie limit which has been my pattern for the past few months (at least the TDEE thing explains why it's the pattern...).

.. how I am actually going to eat that much food, I don't know. I'm struggling to eat 1500 a day if I eat all my veggies. Just in terms of sheer volume of food and also in terms of remembering to eat and also in terms of some brain-garbage I've got about volume of food eaten. But yeah.

 

I think I'm going to schedule a meeting with a registered dietician. I need to clear out some brain-garbage around eating that much food. I was raised by a person with anorexia and bulimia who was sometimes recovering, sometimes relapsed. Two of my siblings also developed EDs and I have a lot of the thought processes. I thought I'd cleared out all my brain garbage but "HOLY SHIT I NEED THAT MUCH FOOD?! NONONO THAT'S TOO MUCH, I CAN'T EAT THAT MUCH!" is basically my mental state right now so obviously I hadn't. I usually find meeting with an expert in helping people clear out their food brain garbage is a good thing in these cases, so I'll call up a registered dietician I've met with before when I needed help on the diet front and we'll schedule a few sessions. Gotta admit, rational-me is wryly amused at my current freakout about exceeding 1500cal/day when I'm always the one nagging family members, "You know you need calories, right? Calories are a good thing. They keep your body healthy." Hypocrisy, thy name is chemgeek.

 

Anyway, this is not a time for do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do, and the longer I keep up this pattern, the higher my risk of injury or screwed-up metabolism, or falling into the pit of disordered eating that I've luckily avoided most of my life. So, clearing out the brain-garbage is a priority this month. It might also make sense for me to visit a therapist. Haven't gone since teenager. I'll see if the dietician slays the brain-garbage properly, if not it's time to visit the MH centre in town. Cuz yeah I am so not putting up with myself staying in this pattern of need-to-eat-more-mental-freakout-over-eating-more. 

I was worried this would happen when I started tracking. And it did. Fuck. 

I could stop tracking, but tracking is super useful in terms of other things (making sure I've got a balanced diet, making sure I eat regularly, etc) that I don't want to do it. Soooo it's time to stop running from the brain-garbage monster and gear up for a boss battle, I guess. Damn it. 

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@chemgeek, it might help to eat more calorie dense foods, like nuts and seeds. You can add them to almost everything. Veggies are the opposite, they fill you up without giving you many calories. You could try blending them into a smoothie or protein shake, you can get more veggies in that way. (Protein powders are also a good way to give your intake a little boost.)

 

I have a terrible time remembering to eat. And I can't trust my body to tell me when I'm hungry. I've had the most luck with scheduling my eating. Which could be specific times, like lunch at 11:30. Or tied to a routine, like wake-up > stretch/exercise > breakfast > check forums. I also have an easier time if I include a snack or two, or four meals instead of three.

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2 hours ago, chemgeek said:

So. Did my TDEE calculation yesterday. I apparently expend somewhere around 2300cal a day given my current activity level. I am therefore under-eating by around 500cal if I want to lose weight in a healthy way. Crap. 

 

Very familiar. I've been working towards reaching my expected TDEE (see below) for nearly a year now. Slow and steady increases and consistency go a long way, I haven't had any good progress come out of trying to add too much too fast.

 

2 hours ago, chemgeek said:

.. how I am actually going to eat that much food, I don't know. I'm struggling to eat 1500 a day if I eat all my veggies. Just in terms of sheer volume of food and also in terms of remembering to eat and also in terms of some brain-garbage I've got about volume of food eaten. But yeah.

 

Whenever I'm trying to increase calories it helps me to drink them. Smoothies can hide a lot and feel like a little. Also in agreement with @zeroh13 about setting and sticking to a schedule. When I'm consistent with my schedule I find my body is more responsive to intake and even gets hungry when I'm approaching meal times when i'm regular about it.

 

2 hours ago, chemgeek said:

I think I'm going to schedule a meeting with a registered dietician.

 

This is a good idea for a lot of reasons. Getting TDEE from an equation can be misleading and more of a goal than a current reality, as it cannot take into account for any metabolic damage you may have. Getting pro guidance is a huge help in perspective and approach.

 

2 hours ago, chemgeek said:

I could stop tracking, but tracking is super useful in terms of other things (making sure I've got a balanced diet, making sure I eat regularly, etc) that I don't want to do it.

 

That's basically why I tracked for a long time - I'm actually on week 2 of experimentally not tracking for the first time in a while! -  to make sure i was getting enough, and to help me stay consistent as I add 100cals here and there over time. It was frustrating but helpful. I'm currently maintaining at almost 600-700 cals higher than when I started :) I have a long ways to go yet, but it's a long process. Hang in there and good luck! Let us know how the dietician goes :D 

 

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3 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

@chemgeek, it might help to eat more calorie dense foods, like nuts and seeds. You can add them to almost everything. Veggies are the opposite, they fill you up without giving you many calories. You could try blending them into a smoothie or protein shake, you can get more veggies in that way. (Protein powders are also a good way to give your intake a little boost.)

 

I have a terrible time remembering to eat. And I can't trust my body to tell me when I'm hungry. I've had the most luck with scheduling my eating. Which could be specific times, like lunch at 11:30. Or tied to a routine, like wake-up > stretch/exercise > breakfast > check forums. I also have an easier time if I include a snack or two, or four meals instead of three.

My issue there is that I was previously not getting even 1/2 the recommended amount of veggies, so I am genuinely trying to improve my veggie intake. Cutting veg isn't really a good option if I am trying to get a healthy diet. I do need more grains in my diet, though, so crackers and grains would be good and not-horribly-filling additions to my food intake.

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Yeah... I eat about that too, which is really sad considering I'm vegetarian... 

 

I'm not suggesting that you eat less veggies. I'm suggesting that you consider changing the way that you eat veggies to get more in without feeling like you're going to turn into a giant vegetable. Who wants to be a giant vegetable?

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I can't believe that I hadn't seen this thread until now. Love that it exists.

 

So, my story...

 

Eating disordered (Bulimia) for a very long time. Nearly seven year ago now, I took time off to dedicate myself to recovery and got myself to a point where I can basically say that I'm recovered. I haven't purged for six years, binges are very rare (and nothing like they used to be) and I am so much happier about my body than I used to be. 

 

Although it is no longer a struggle to eat a reasonable amount of food, my diet is certainly not the best. My big struggle now is that I want to eat better, but I am really scared of changes triggering a relapse. Ultimately, I also would like to be able to lose weight in a healthy manner -, I am currently just a little bit bigger than I am comfortable with, and I am also right in between powerlifting weight classes (it would be good to be able to drop down). 

 

Basically the whole time I have been a nerd fitness member, I have avoided diet related goals...because it just scares me so much. I want to change this.

 

 

 

 

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Yeah, we always need to pay high respect to each one of us no matter what shape we have, the issues we are currently facing and the problems that we undertake as of the moment. In my own perspectives, I believe everyone needs a support instead of being judged by others. Simply saying, we are entitled of our own beliefs, our own opinion and our own body. Life is short so we must live life to the fullest.

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8 hours ago, Starbuck said:

Basically the whole time I have been a nerd fitness member, I have avoided diet related goals...because it just scares me so much. I want to change this.

This is more or less where I'm at now. When I first joined I did have diet goals, and did tracking. Then I burnt out from it and stopped. The last time I tried again it really started messing with my head. And looking back now, when I did have those goals I wasn't exactly approaching it with a healthy mindset. I haven't tried since because it is really scary, and it would take so much energy.

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Soo dietician wants me to add on average 1 more serving meat & alternatives and 2 more grains a day, and also to shift some of my carbs earlier in the day. Her biggest criticism was how little I eat on the weekend and how irregularly I eat. She agreed with me that I am at a healthy weigjt but where I am really ramping the activity up I need to be eating more.

 

So. Goal this week is to set alarms and eat regularly. 

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I think these past few weeks have been the hardest time I've had with food in a long time. And a part of me thinks it's not going to get any better.

 

I'm on my lunch break right now, I'm hungry, I have good food in front of me (honestly, it tastes great and has a fairly good nutritional breakdown), but I don't want to eat it. I'm more just staring at my food, thinking "I really should eat this..."

 

I'm stuck in this cycle of not eating enough, grabbing a candy bar or something when I can't ignore how hungry I am, then eat a large meal cause I feel guilty about not eating much before, and then go back to not eating much cause I feel guilty about eating a lot.

 

And if I weigh myself on the scale, I'll just get a strong reaction either way. The same? More? Really bummed out the rest of the morning. It went down? Really ecstatic. And they somehow end up encouraging the same behavior. Like, on one end feeling like it's working. And on the other end, thinking I just need to try harder. And if I try to not weigh myself, eventually I get to a point where I need to know.

 

If I just look in the mirror, I'll look for all the places I have fat hiding. And even if it's just a little, it still bothers me. (I've called myself vain before... Like, everytime I go past something reflective enough, I have to stop and make sure everything is just right.)

 

And I have so much other crap going on, I'm running out of energy to fight this. And the ironic thing is, I know if I eat better, I'll have more energy. But I still don't.

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