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This group has gotten huge! O.O Clearly there is a major need for this kind of discussion. While it is awesome to know I'm not alone, there are a lot of people to keep track of and I'd like to start a second group serving a similar purpose. If anyone else is interested, go yonder to Vanquishing Traitor Brain. :-)

 

Good luck, Project B.R.E.A.T.H.E.! <3

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15 hours ago, PhysicsObeysMe said:

Quest : Go to the bank tomorrow and open up a new savings account and put all the money for a gap year into it. A proper adult thing. I don't think I like this being an adult business.

 

Problem : I struggle with commitment, especially due to my depression. I like having a bit of leeway, but giving large portions of my time to anything is difficult. This is different for work because thats a professional relationship that I need for money. Basically, I've been part of a Dungeons & Dragons group for the past three months, and I'm absolutely loving it. I love the story telling, the gaming, the fun, etc. But finding the four hours to play every Saturday is a struggle, especially with the number of opportunities I like signing myself up for. I also sometimes just don't have the energy to interact with people so enthusiastically, and in a way the game deserves, for four hours every week. 

It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety being part of the group and feeling guilty every time I need space to myself/I'm busy, and it puts such a large unnecessary burden on the DM. On one hand, I recognise that this anxiety isn't good for me, and I should probably stop to keep some time to myself through the week. On the other, I love playing, and its good fun and a nice time to have with others during the week. I just have no idea what I should do about it.

Another point - I'm not that close with the players. I joined the game of Roll20, and we've become friends, but on a very basic level.

 

Oh a quest appears!  Good luck!!  That one would make me nervous too, AUGH. *sends you good energy vibes to help!*

 

I can really sympathize with your commitment problem.  4 hours a week would put a strain on me, too.. I'm not as extroverted as most and if I'm not in a good mental place/energy place to "people", I just won't do it because I know I need that time to recharge my batteries and take care of myself.  I used to raid in WoW and this happened a lot towards the end... it was something I overall enjoyed, but just started becoming more and more of a burden to everyone.

 

Have you talked to your DM?  Is there something similar available with less of a time commitment? 

 

11 hours ago, IcePrincess said:

 

 

On a different note, this is a terrible week! I've been crying a lot. I'm starting to be afraid that I'll never pull out of this funk. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to give up. I know I shouldn't give up, but I am so tired of fighting. I'm also afraid of asking for help. I don't want to cause people I love to worry about me, and I don't want to get put in the behavior health unit. I work at the hospital and I would be terribly embarrassed if I had to end up there. I'm not sure that that is a possibility, but I'm a worst case scenario type of person. I'm just in such a dark place. :ambivalence:

 

 

You can do it. One day at a time, one thing at a time, sometimes you just need to keep plodding forward really really slowly, and it sucks, but you'll get there. Remember that you won't always feel like this.  It's HARD to do when, of course, you do feel like this... but it will get better.  Remember that asking for help is so incredibly brave and isn't weak at all - it's a great sign of strength to be able to say you're having a hard time!! 

 

I really hope your weekend starts picking up for you.  Remember, we're here for you anytime!! <3 <3 <3  Sending lots of nerd love and support your way!!

 

11 hours ago, Garjan said:

 

:D Yay person excited about my pupster!! <3

 

His name is Jameson. He answers to Jamo, Trouble, and a ton of other nicknames me and the BF dream up. He is my heart, adventure companion, running partner, everything. See below for recent adventure pic. 

 

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We aren't quite at autumn yet but I am sure I'd really miss it if I ever moved further South. We have just the slightest bite in the air at the unholy hour that I need to wake up to go to work. Sending colorful leafy's your way ~~~

 

Water is hard. Coffee is awesome. I tend to carry around reusable water bottles with me, so I'll track how many times I drain them daily. My issue is that when I'm running around at work I forget to stop to drink water. Then when I come home I reach for the beer :/  Water > Beer will be the test but It'll be good. 

 

Personally I'm super happy you posted this. Work's been pretty mentally tough lately and I need a place sometimes to remind me that it's all good and Breathing is quite important. (Which is funny because at work I'm the 'calm' one who reminds everyone else to breathe and center themselves before facing the oncoming chaos.)uote this

 

OH HI JAMESON!!  I LOVE HIM!! <3  He looks like a lovely adventuring friend!!

 

So it is technicall "fall" now but it's still very warm and humid here... boo!  I will keep an eye out for your colors showing up here soon~ :D

 

Ah beer, an entirely different struggle! XD

 

Everything is good, you are doing great!  I went through some really mentally tough times at work earlier this year and it felt like everything was just fraying at the seams.  IT is all good, it will be all good, even if it isn't right now, it'll surely come around~ :D

 

10 hours ago, Koaladle said:

This group has gotten huge! O.O Clearly there is a major need for this kind of discussion. While it is awesome to know I'm not alone, there are a lot of people to keep track of and I'd like to start a second group serving a similar purpose. If anyone else is interested, go yonder to Vanquishing Traitor Brain. :-)

 

Good luck, Project B.R.E.A.T.H.E.! <3

 

AWESOME!! I too am surprised at the attention this has gotten!  I'm happy that this can be used as a jumping point for other things; the more the merrier!! *_____*

 

Get that traitor brain!  We'll do it together! :D

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Happy Friday everyone!!  The weekend is almost here and we've just about conquered Zero Week!

 

I wanted to share a song with you guys - music is a HUGE part of me taking control of my mental state and getting myself out of a downward spiral.  I have some real specific artists I'll always turn to when I'm in a funk.  I've been replaying Life is Strange lately and honestly the whole vocal soundtrack is killer, but this one is really one of my favorites, I think it's lonely and beautiful and kind of haunting but uplifting at the same time...!

 

 

Let's say sunshine for everyone
But as far as I can remember
We've been migratory animals
Living under changing weather

Someday we will foresee obstacles
Through the blizzard, through the blizzard
Today we will sell our uniform
Live together, live together

We played hide and seek in waterfalls
We were younger, we were younger

 

 

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Official challenge START today!!!  Yay!! How's everyone doing? :)

 

tumblr_nuw21qx9HJ1tqou9go1_500.gif

 

Do you have a goal this challenge that is pushing you out of your comfort zone a little?  If so, what is it?

 

I do; one of my quests for this challenge is to really amp up my weightlifting and get in the gym 3 times a week for some heavy new programming.  I'm equal parts excited and nervous; I've historically worn myself down by trying to do too much at once and have had some lingering failures in the past, but I feel right now I'm in a good position to try, and I really want to achieve this.  I'm going to try to fuel myself as best I can with good foods and hope that upping my intensity a little will stick and not send me into a tail-spin of fatigue and sadness...

 

f5e5f39614dff2c6f8519929757ee548.jpg

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40 minutes ago, shaar said:

Official challenge START today!!!  Yay!! How's everyone doing? :)

 

tumblr_nuw21qx9HJ1tqou9go1_500.gif

 

Do you have a goal this challenge that is pushing you out of your comfort zone a little?  If so, what is it?

 

I do; one of my quests for this challenge is to really amp up my weightlifting and get in the gym 3 times a week for some heavy new programming.  I'm equal parts excited and nervous; I've historically worn myself down by trying to do too much at once and have had some lingering failures in the past, but I feel right now I'm in a good position to try, and I really want to achieve this.  I'm going to try to fuel myself as best I can with good foods and hope that upping my intensity a little will stick and not send me into a tail-spin of fatigue and sadness...

 

 

Oooh, pretty glittery space...is it okay if I save that GIF?

 

Ehhh...actually I don't have a comfort zone at present :lol: My most difficult goals though will be my studying and writing just because it's hard to focus. I have to organize myself and it's really easy to get off course and lose direction if I don't get ahead on these things. For the studying I have to make myself focus long enough to make a checklist of exactly what needs to be done, and then it's fairly simple to actually do it. The writing is harder because I need a very thorough outline but when it comes to actual story time, words are hard.

 

You can do it, Shaar! There is definitely a line to walk between Challenging oneself and pushing too hard, but you can absolutely do it!

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There isn't one individual goal in my challenge that really pushes me out of my comfort zone, which now that I think about it should be a nice break from my last two challenges, BUT I have a lot of daily goals to keep track of and that could potentially become overwhelming. So far so good though!

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No such goal in my challenge yet. It runs until my birthday on Dec.24 and is based on a mechanism that rewards me for sticking to the plan, punishes me for major deviations but still leaves a lot of wiggle room where I simply do not make any progress. That said, it would push me out of my comfort zone if I stuck to it religiously or added more items on the list of things that reward/punish me but I'm currently feeling it out before making any adjustments.

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I'd say my Steps for the Soul portion is my challenge. I tend to ignore working on my mental health in favor of physical health (because mental health care is hard, says the mental health professional... >.> ) So since it is my primary focus this challenge, that makes it uncomfortable for me. I also plan to put myself out there a bit more with blogging, which is also a little scary. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to have this space.

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13 hours ago, shaar said:

Official challenge START today!!!  Yay!! How's everyone doing? :)

 

tumblr_nuw21qx9HJ1tqou9go1_500.gif

 

Do you have a goal this challenge that is pushing you out of your comfort zone a little?  If so, what is it?

 

I do; one of my quests for this challenge is to really amp up my weightlifting and get in the gym 3 times a week for some heavy new programming.  I'm equal parts excited and nervous; I've historically worn myself down by trying to do too much at once and have had some lingering failures in the past, but I feel right now I'm in a good position to try, and I really want to achieve this.  I'm going to try to fuel myself as best I can with good foods and hope that upping my intensity a little will stick and not send me into a tail-spin of fatigue and sadness...

 

...everything is out of my comfort zone just now.

 

Seriously though, there's no pushing going on until I manage to find a sustainable routine to accommodate just how hectic my work life is. Everything I'm doing is either a continuation of goals past, or a new take on something I've tried before.

 

That said, if all goes well this challenge, then next challenge I will most definitely be attempting something that has always been outside of my comfort zone!

 

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13 hours ago, MiaulinTheCat said:

 

 

Oooh, pretty glittery space...is it okay if I save that GIF?

 

Ehhh...actually I don't have a comfort zone at present :lol: My most difficult goals though will be my studying and writing just because it's hard to focus. I have to organize myself and it's really easy to get off course and lose direction if I don't get ahead on these things. For the studying I have to make myself focus long enough to make a checklist of exactly what needs to be done, and then it's fairly simple to actually do it. The writing is harder because I need a very thorough outline but when it comes to actual story time, words are hard.

 

You can do it, Shaar! There is definitely a line to walk between Challenging oneself and pushing too hard, but you can absolutely do it!

 

Yes save away!  The beauty of the internets~

 

Sometimes just focusing to do the thing is HARD!  I get the same way with a lot of my work duties and found myself nodding vigorously at your descriptions.  Things are easy once I just, you know, zone in and do them, but that's the hard part often.... falling behind makes me anxious too, so hooray double edged sword! XD

 

You are totally aware of what you need to do though and that's such a huge part of the battle.  You got this!!

 

Thank you~ <3  Today was day 1 and I'm feeling positive!!

 

13 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

There isn't one individual goal in my challenge that really pushes me out of my comfort zone, which now that I think about it should be a nice break from my last two challenges, BUT I have a lot of daily goals to keep track of and that could potentially become overwhelming. So far so good though!

 

You know sometimes you need a nice break to just do the regular things and not lose sight of the basics.  It's nice to check in with yourself once in a while for a challenge and just sort of... regain your strength for more things!

 

3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

No such goal in my challenge yet. It runs until my birthday on Dec.24 and is based on a mechanism that rewards me for sticking to the plan, punishes me for major deviations but still leaves a lot of wiggle room where I simply do not make any progress. That said, it would push me out of my comfort zone if I stuck to it religiously or added more items on the list of things that reward/punish me but I'm currently feeling it out before making any adjustments.

 

Slow and steady, especially with new systems.  Sometimes it's tough to find what works best for you and your goals!  Cold hard cash is always a good motivator ;)

 

2 hours ago, JessOfAllTrades said:

I'd say my Steps for the Soul portion is my challenge. I tend to ignore working on my mental health in favor of physical health (because mental health care is hard, says the mental health professional... >.> ) So since it is my primary focus this challenge, that makes it uncomfortable for me. I also plan to put myself out there a bit more with blogging, which is also a little scary. That's one of the reasons I'm happy to have this space.

 

>> (because mental health care is hard, says the mental health professional... >.> )

 

YUP YUP YUP YUP

 

500% agree.  It's definitely out of a lot of people's comfort zones too, you're so not alone there.  What kind of blogging will you be doing?? :)

 

 

36 minutes ago, iatetheyeti said:

 

...everything is out of my comfort zone just now.

 

Seriously though, there's no pushing going on until I manage to find a sustainable routine to accommodate just how hectic my work life is. Everything I'm doing is either a continuation of goals past, or a new take on something I've tried before.

 

That said, if all goes well this challenge, then next challenge I will most definitely be attempting something that has always been outside of my comfort zone!

 

 

Damage control can be a comfort zone all on its own.  Hang in there!!  One day at a time and you will totally find what works and then be ready to jump off for more!! <3

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On September 17, 2016 at 0:15 PM, shaar said:

Discussion 1

Pre-Challenge Introduction

 

Hello, awesome human! (Or robot, we don’t judge here.)

Tell us a little about yourself, and one non-fitness related goal you’d like to work on during this upcoming challenge cycle.

 

I'ma just say... I need this, especially after coming home from #CNF2016 so here we go.

 

Hi Everyone!!! *waves* 

 

My name is Amdhiel. I'm a nerd living in Madison, WI, and I've been a member of NF since 2014. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time. I've made a bunch of progress with dealing with my emotions but recently realized that I'm dealing with another bout of depression. Luckily, it's not as bad as it had been previously but I'm still struggling. Camp challenged a bunch of notions about myself and helped me realize that I need to keep making my mental health a primary focus.

 

My non-fitness goal for this challenge is to work on something I tried at camp which is doing free writing and love response journaling. I'll be doing this for at least 2 minutes everyday.

 

 

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On September 22, 2016 at 6:02 PM, IcePrincess said:

 

I just have the theme so far. I haven't written a full length story in many years so it'll be an undertaking. 

 

Thanks! I will take you up on the brainstorming! I only have the barest bones of an idea so far! 

 

On a different note, this is a terrible week! I've been crying a lot. I'm starting to be afraid that I'll never pull out of this funk. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want to give up. I know I shouldn't give up, but I am so tired of fighting. I'm also afraid of asking for help. I don't want to cause people I love to worry about me, and I don't want to get put in the behavior health unit. I work at the hospital and I would be terribly embarrassed if I had to end up there. I'm not sure that that is a possibility, but I'm a worst case scenario type of person. I'm just in such a dark place. :ambivalence:

 

 

I hesitated asking for help for a long time.  I've always felt there was a stigma attached to depression/medication. But, once I did, I felt better.  The meds help.  They aren't magic....but they help.  The dark place is scary, I've lived there.  We are here for you, don't foget you are not alone.  Don't let what others may think stop you from getting help if thats what you want to do. They can just shut up.

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13 hours ago, Amdhiel said:

 

I'ma just say... I need this, especially after coming home from #CNF2016 so here we go.

 

Hi Everyone!!! *waves* 

 

My name is Amdhiel. I'm a nerd living in Madison, WI, and I've been a member of NF since 2014. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time. I've made a bunch of progress with dealing with my emotions but recently realized that I'm dealing with another bout of depression. Luckily, it's not as bad as it had been previously but I'm still struggling. Camp challenged a bunch of notions about myself and helped me realize that I need to keep making my mental health a primary focus.

 

My non-fitness goal for this challenge is to work on something I tried at camp which is doing free writing and love response journaling. I'll be doing this for at least 2 minutes everyday.

 

 

 

<3333333333 I so missed hanging with you at CAMP!!!!!  I remember us sitting on our "anxiety bench" just after arriving and trying to process feeling SO OVERWHELMED~ XD

 

You can do it and we are all here for you, always!

 

2 hours ago, Rinna said:

 

I hesitated asking for help for a long time.  I've always felt there was a stigma attached to depression/medication. But, once I did, I felt better.  The meds help.  They aren't magic....but they help.  The dark place is scary, I've lived there.  We are here for you, don't foget you are not alone.  Don't let what others may think stop you from getting help if thats what you want to do. They can just shut up.

 

I think a lot of people still have that stigma, it's always so awesome when I get a phone call at work from a nervous human wanting to set up an intake appointment, and I'm just like, YES, YOU ARE AWESOME, you are doing The Thing even though it's really scary!!!!  Mental health is wicked scary for a lot of people, it doesn't help people and society joke about being "crazy" or "mental" or "bipolar" and stuff, it's really real and a terrible thing to have to face and try to work through.  People can be really cruel, sometimes without even knowing it.

 

Rinna you rock and thank you for being such a great support <3333

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Hope everyone's week is going ok!!  Happy Wednesday~ :)

27ec314428e562ad9e1bafc1f2f7bf74.jpg

 

I have been having some agitation and anxiety at work for the past few days.  It happens once in a while, sometimes I just feel so cooped up here and get anxious and lose my focus and get behind on everything, which re-cycles to the agitation...  I've been using some grounding techniques to stay focused and not too much in my own head and they help a lot.  I wanted to drop the links here for anyone that thinks they could benefit:

 

5 4 3 2 1 sensory grounding technique - I really like to use touch alone for grounding, - like I'll take 60 seconds and just really feel and notice something, like running my fingers over my keyboard keys, or turning a tape dispenser over in my hands and feeling all the shapes and textures - but all senses are awesome :) I employ touch grounding a LOT with my (mostly defeated but sometimes lurking) travel anxiety.

 

And a nice mix of sensory and cognitive awareness prompts for grounding that I dig a lot, too.

 

I love these resources and tips because you can use them literally anywhere, whenever you have the realization that you need them!

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14 minutes ago, shaar said:

 

<3333333333 I so missed hanging with you at CAMP!!!!!  I remember us sitting on our "anxiety bench" just after arriving and trying to process feeling SO OVERWHELMED~ XD

 

You can do it and we are all here for you, always!

 

 

ZOMG!!! It sucked not having you at camp this year!!! Seven people from MM9 came back and we were all in KD22 which was all forms of epic.  We also added 3 new people and adopted another. Getting to camp this year was a lot less crazy because I car pooled with two people and we met up with @wovercast for the final drive. I'll be posting more about camp on my challenge thread later today. Let's just say that there wasn't an anxiety bench but there were anxiety hugs, decompress waterfall time and allergy couch time.

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11 hours ago, Rinna said:

I hesitated asking for help for a long time.  I've always felt there was a stigma attached to depression/medication. But, once I did, I felt better.  The meds help.  They aren't magic....but they help.  The dark place is scary, I've lived there.  We are here for you, don't foget you are not alone.  Don't let what others may think stop you from getting help if thats what you want to do. They can just shut up.

I have been on medication for years, actually. I think I just need my dose or medication adjusted. Yesterday I was seriously considering admitting myself to the Behavior Health Ward at the hopsital. I'd been feeling suicidal for days and didn't see a way out of it. Then today I woke up and my head was way less foggy. I don't feel as dark today. I don't know why sometimes the darkness leaves, but I'm glad to be at the edge of the woods. 

 

I also got some advice on how to work on my story and I think it'll really help! My friend suggested using note cards so that I can rearrange and the process isn't as intimidating. 

I hope everyone's week one is going well!

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Not sure if I mentioned it previously, but thanks for providing a buttload of resources on the subject of mental health, not just now but for a while. The stuff during Mental Health Awareness Month or whatever it was called were mainly what brought me here

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I am SUPER late to this thread and admittedly I didn't read everything, I browsed. This just seemed like the kind of accountability I needed. My name is Jade, I'm 32 from Washington State and currently living with my parents and a beautiful, friendly, large, orange one-eyed cat called WillyBean. I love him so much :D Anyways, I'm working my hardest so I can move out because living with my parents isn't ideal for me at this time in my life. I really want to move to Seattle but...holy $$$. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital and I can honestly say it's the best job I've ever had and one I'm pretty proud of. I am a self proclaimed nerd...duh....but not like a gamer or role player. I just really love ball joint dolls, harry potter, reading, and geeking out over shows. I'm vegan and just absolutely love any animal that crosses my path....this also includes insects...I'm a spider nerd. I'm recently single after a 4 year relationship, which has really been screwing with my head and left me feeling quite lonely. We were suppose to get married on Halloween so this month is extremely difficult mental health wise. Other things so I don't end on a bummer note. I love crafting, mainly sewing, knitting, working on learning to crochet, and making steampunk gear (also learning) I haven't made a lot of time for my crafts recently so I haven't been that creative at the moment. On the mental health side, I'm technically bipolar? I don't like to admit that and I'm not entirely sure I believe it, but the meds work so I'm probably just in denial. 

 

Anyways, really happy to find this group and I hope to participate in it regularly. Hope you all are having a fabulous day! Sorry this is so long!!! 

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On 9/22/2016 at 7:02 PM, IcePrincess said:

 

I just have the theme so far. I haven't written a full length story in many years so it'll be an undertaking. 

 

Thanks! I will take you up on the brainstorming! I only have the barest bones of an idea so far!

 

15 hours ago, IcePrincess said:

I also got some advice on how to work on my story and I think it'll really help! My friend suggested using note cards so that I can rearrange and the process isn't as intimidating. 

I hope everyone's week one is going well!

 

I'm glad you're feeling better from the Dark Place :)

 

Sweet! Let's each write something awesome. I'll cheer for you. *WAVES POM POMS* I'm still trying to flesh out my idea, and while looking for ways to do that stumbled across some things that might be useful in your endeavors as well?

 

This blog has lots of good stuff, including this article about taking a premise and turning it into a plot.There's also the Snowflake Method. Notecards are a fantastic idea as well, great for visuals.

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Just was procrastinating on my homework for a few minutes and I noticed this group.  Figured I would share, I guess.

 

I am a colossal disaster.  I don't know how much people know about high-functioning autism/asperger's syndrome, but I have that.  I also dealt with a single-parent household with an authoritarian mom and felt extremely alone.  After a traumatizing year in school, I just...shut down when I was younger.  It's only in the past month or so that I've realized I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  Between the 2 'labels' I have and how I coped through life, I have a nice Molotov cocktail of issues, including generalized anxiety disorder, depression/suicidal thoughts, extreme apathy/boredom, trust issues, abandonment issues, and more.  The phrase for B.P.D. is 'soul murder' and I honestly can't think of a more fitting description.  Catholic school had the lovely effect of making me terrified of sex or intimacy of any kind: because the school would lie and say that condoms were 4% effective and you WILL get diseases and you WILL get someone pregnant.  I also know because of what my mother said (among things like, 'All men are pigs and assholes', and 'I seriously considered aborting you.')  that if I had a child; I would not be able to afford it and would be screwed for the rest of my life.  This has lead to near-nothing in terms of intimacy experience over the course of my life, as I also feel that intimacy is tied with emotions.  The idea of picking up a woman at a bar and having sex that night just doesn't compute.

 

Because of my abandonment issues and the desperate desire to want to be cared about and loved, I stayed in an emotionally abusive and enmeshed toxic relationship for 12 painful years.  It was through finding these forums a couple years back that I was finally able to end things with her.  While I was ending things with her, I was also falling in love with a girl on the forums.  It was quick.  Intense.  We shared (I copied and pasted to see the length) over 1,200 pages in a word document between  the span of a couple of months through private messages on here.  The first picture she showed me of herself was like a dream.  I felt pins and needles. Goosebumps.  My breath was sharp and short.  I felt dizzy.  I didn't know what the hell this overwhelming feeling was...

 

I finally met her and I realized that she was the first woman that I truly loved.  I would have given up everything in my life to be with her: I was in a dead-end job, living with my family, and about to start school to get my master's degree in social work (I want to help youth that have had the same issues that I have/had and make them realize that they're not alone).  There was a catch: she was with someone already.  We talked more. I got to hear that when her b/f hugged her, she expected his hands to be big and warm like mine. She started having panic attacks: not being 100% ok with herself, either.  She is the type of person to shelter herself and put all of her emotions into her head, and to cope, have it funneled as anxiety: then try to remedy the anxiety and not the cause of anxiety.  Walks. Runs. 70-hour work-weeks, Meditation. Calming app on her phone. Etc.  The only thing that instantly calmed her down was me: she trusted me and we admitted that we loved each other.  However, months passed and she invited me to her place (3+ hour drive to New York).  Although just days prior, she said she was confused about 'us', and she said *scratching restlessly at the headboard* when we were texting at 2am, she decides to drop a bomb on me and say she made her decision: she's staying with her current b/f. The guy that didn't pay attention to her. The guy that sexually rejected her.  The guy that didn't want to go people-watching or farmer's markets or any of the other many things she wanted to do (and would instead rather do his things and drag her along).  She choose him. And I ended up holding her and crying like a fucking baby, saying "I fell for you. You were supposed to catch me."

 

After my ex had finally found a place and the woman that I fell in love with rejecting me; I swore I was done.  I sorted everything I owned and I burned 95% of it.  Flames shot 20 feet in the air and almost caught a nearby tree on fire; but it was done.  I told myself that I wasn't going to deal with anyone else - I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me like this.

 

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I cut my hair.  I got my first piercing (septum/bull ring).  I got my first tattoo.  I went to camp NF last year.  I started my master's in social work program.  I started interval jogging and my 'batman lessons'.  I've (to date) lost 115 pounds.  My goal is 140 total.  I also painted.  And I built a kitchen table and bookcase.

 

I have always been open and blunt and honest about how I feel.  And in doing this, the past year (this burning and everything else was last August); I had made a lot of friends.  For some reason - all of them women.  I felt confused - I wanted to keep people away but I got closer to multiple ones.  As time when on, they faded away but that was fine because there was someone that stuck out of the entire pack.  I was extremely close to this person.  Like the previous woman, things were quick and intense.  The difference was that she was single and the flirting we had was much much more extreme.  There was a point during this that I felt that wave wash over me again: that pins and needles.  Love.  And I ended up curling in a ball and telling myself, 'not again..oh god not again... I can't take being hurt by this again...'  I told her that I was still hurt and had a lot of healing.  She understood and I told her that I needed some time.  She said she would wait for me because "You're worth it".  That meant the world to me. 

 

She admitted that when being this close, she ends up pushing away.  She's very much an 'all or nothing' person.  I understand.  I'm the same.  She had said to me that she wouldn't be able to handle 'us' ending if we got together.  Again, I understood.  She had her own trust issues, being cheated on and losing her family. 

 

Over the summer, we didn't talk as much as we used to.  Then the past month she hasn't talked to me at all.  She went on vacation with her best friend and when she got back, she didn't text.  I asked her what was going on and she said she had really big things to think about.  She needed to make decisions about her future for the next 10-20 years and how "maybe" I was in them.  I don't know what to do. I don't understand.  And because she's an extreme introvert and said she needed to be left alone, I'm on the sidelines and terrified that this is over without getting any input from her.  I don't know what changed but I feel that I'm well enough to try with her...if she still wants me.

 

For school, I was supposed to have an internship this fall but I apparently sucked in the 2 interviews I had.  The head of the department wanted to talk to me and I assumed it was to try another placement.  It wasn't.  They asked me to tell me why I wanted to be in the program, how I felt, etc.  I gave a very brief version of the above story.  They clung to the diagnosis issues.  'Autism'.  I was told to speak to disabilities services.  I was told that I 'wasn't ready' for an internship yet.  I was yanked out of my classes, despite having already gone for two weeks.  Instead I was put into electives (since the classes I were in needed to be tied with the internship). This effectively fucks me over for about a year.

 

I know I have good qualities.  I know that I'm strong physically, strong mentally, smart, creative, kind, caring, a good listener, non-judgemental, funny, brutally honest, and have conviction/determination.  In fact, it's taken about 30 fucking years to realize all these good things about myself and NerdFitness has been the catalyst in that.  But there's one thing that I am always and I wish I wasn't:  lonely.  I have an entire history of being terrified of getting close to people, then getting close to people, and then being abandoned by those people - only to start again with a little less hope each time.  I equate it to being a beaten dog that cowers away from a friendly hand. 

 

So this is where I'm at.  I'm getting through school, dealing with work (looking for a better paying job), trying to do some volunteer work (to get experience in the field which will again - help the job prospects), I'm interval jogging a little while nursing a bad foot sprain this summer, getting through school, setting aside some 'me' time with experimenting with painting, posting a little bit on here (I used to post non-stop here while with my ex), and trying to Breathe.

 

*waves*   I'm Teros.

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I love your cat's name. Jabba! That's so cute!

 

20 Seconds of Courage used today to call and renew library books. Hated it, but got it done. Phone skills are something I need to work on.

 

Edit: So sorry to the above poster! Your post wasn't here when I was posting earlier, wasn't trying to ignore you :(

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4 hours ago, Teros said:

Just was procrastinating on my homework for a few minutes and I noticed this group.  Figured I would share, I guess.

 

I am a colossal disaster.  I don't know how much people know about high-functioning autism/asperger's syndrome, but I have that.  I also dealt with a single-parent household with an authoritarian mom and felt extremely alone.  After a traumatizing year in school, I just...shut down when I was younger.  It's only in the past month or so that I've realized I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  Between the 2 'labels' I have and how I coped through life, I have a nice Molotov cocktail of issues, including generalized anxiety disorder, depression/suicidal thoughts, extreme apathy/boredom, trust issues, abandonment issues, and more. 

I, in all likelihood, have aspergers. It explains so many of the things I've struggled with my whole life. I just don't have the time, money, or energy to try and get a diagnosis right now. Plus I'm putting a lot into getting a re-diagnosis (at least that's what it feels like) for ADHD.

 

My wife was diagnosed with BPD several years ago. Before that, we had never heard about it. And trying to learn about it on the internet was just downright painful. There was a lot of "women with BPD should never be in a relationship because they are horrible monsters". (A lot of people have the assumption that only women have BPD, just like a good number of people assume that autism only affects boys.) Reading that stuff just ended up reinforcing all the bad shit her exes said to her. And she still has moments where she can't see that she isn't a monster. 

 

It doesn't affect our relationship much (I've learned how to not push her buttons or trigger her, for the most part), but I've seen the same things happening over and over with the other people she's dated (we have a poly relationship, in that she dates other people (because she can't get everything she needs from me), but I don't). For her, falling in love is like a drug. When it happens, she can't think about anything else. Being away from the person is absolute torture. Even a few hours of no communication will send her into a spiral of "she's mad at me", "she's never talking to me again", "is she with someone else", "what did I do wrong", etc. Until she gets a text or a call, and then it's all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. But she always ends up being "too clingy," "too overbearing", "too much to handle", and "too crazy" for the other person and gets dumped. And she'll just completely shut down. Swear off relationships. Until she meets the next person.

 

But she has gotten better over the years at coping with BPD. And there are therapies that could help her even more, but her depression and social anxiety get in the way of following through with them. With the person she's seeing right now, she's going through the whole "I don't want to fall in love with her because it's going to mess everything up, but I think I'm falling for her".

 

So yeah, between me and her, I'm well acquainted with the molotov cocktail.

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On 9/29/2016 at 3:18 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Not sure if I mentioned it previously, but thanks for providing a buttload of resources on the subject of mental health, not just now but for a while. The stuff during Mental Health Awareness Month or whatever it was called were mainly what brought me here

 

You rock and are my Best Greek Heavy Metal Crossfit Friend <3

 

On 9/29/2016 at 10:42 AM, Rosie's Riveter said:

I am SUPER late to this thread and admittedly I didn't read everything, I browsed. This just seemed like the kind of accountability I needed. My name is Jade, I'm 32 from Washington State and currently living with my parents and a beautiful, friendly, large, orange one-eyed cat called WillyBean. I love him so much :D Anyways, I'm working my hardest so I can move out because living with my parents isn't ideal for me at this time in my life. I really want to move to Seattle but...holy $$$. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital and I can honestly say it's the best job I've ever had and one I'm pretty proud of. I am a self proclaimed nerd...duh....but not like a gamer or role player. I just really love ball joint dolls, harry potter, reading, and geeking out over shows. I'm vegan and just absolutely love any animal that crosses my path....this also includes insects...I'm a spider nerd. I'm recently single after a 4 year relationship, which has really been screwing with my head and left me feeling quite lonely. We were suppose to get married on Halloween so this month is extremely difficult mental health wise. Other things so I don't end on a bummer note. I love crafting, mainly sewing, knitting, working on learning to crochet, and making steampunk gear (also learning) I haven't made a lot of time for my crafts recently so I haven't been that creative at the moment. On the mental health side, I'm technically bipolar? I don't like to admit that and I'm not entirely sure I believe it, but the meds work so I'm probably just in denial. 

 

Anyways, really happy to find this group and I hope to participate in it regularly. Hope you all are having a fabulous day! Sorry this is so long!!! 

 

WILLYBEAN <3  Cat names are the best!!!!  I was a receptionist at animal hospitals for many years too, I really miss all the animals, it was so much fun!! ; ;

 

Oh man, I'm so sorry about your recent loss... that must be so unbelievably hard.  This month will be hard but remember that it will get better, and we are here for you if you are having A Day (or string Of Days). <3 <3 <3

 

23 hours ago, Teros said:

 

*waves*   I'm Teros.

 

Gosh.  Your story.  You are hella strong, never forget that.  The things you have endured are massive and it's amazing that NF has been a catalyst for positive change.  You are a true warrior and Slayer of Dragons. <3

 

19 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

 

So yeah, between me and her, I'm well acquainted with the molotov cocktail.

 

Oh wow, this line.  Perfect.  My partner checks a lot of the boxes for BPD too, and I feel like this could often be my catchphrase as well.

 

 

 

HI GUYS, sorry if I have been a bit absent lately!  This week has taken a huge tailspin and has possibly been my worst week of 2016 so far.... including - surprise car trouble! - a huge IBS flare-up that left me in pain and unable to eat much and out of work for a day! - returning to work yesterday to have my computer fried by an electrical storm power outage! (even though it was plugged into a surge protector, ugh) - so.... yeah, it's been really really hard and I've had a tenuous time dealing. 

 

I somehow haven't completely Lost My Shit and am in a much better mental and physical place yesterday, but boy, there were some dark places there.  Ugh.

 

Here's to a calm and refreshing weekend for everyone, to rest and rejuvenating your mind and soul, to centering and grounding yourself so you can keep fighting, to preparing for the next battle that's lurking right around the corner.  We have come this far, and we will go so much farther. <3

 

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Happy Monday!!

 

Hope everyone's Monday is going as well as a Monday can.

 

I like to grade my days on a 10/10 scale - like today is a 7/10 - that way I can sometimes say I'm having a 2/10 day without having to write out the words "everything is a giant shitfire" and then just feel worse about it.  My partner and I have made a nice system out of it. ^______^

 

7/10 for a Monday's not too bad!

 

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