EternalJourno is mutant and proud

[FatboySuave]

Introduction: I've been struggling a lot lately and things nearly boiled over yesterday. I had a major mental meltdown. I wanted to quit my quest and just go back to the way things used to be. I went into full panic mode and ended the night with no workout and a burger and fries. I've made a lot of progress in the past few months, but yesterday it all felt pointless. I felt like I haven't made any improvements below the surface. I still feel like the fat guy. I still feel lonely and hopeless too often. But after letting the storm rage for a few hours, I suddenly felt better. A few episodes of Master of None helped, lol. I went to sleep with a clear head and this morning I awoke refreshed — and just in time for this new challenge.

 

I've been a Druid for a few months, but I've been slacking on the actual yoga and meditation. Those are still things I want to pursue, but there's also so much more I want to do. I feel like even the Ranger guild seems a bit limited, so I'm pulling back even further into a broader spectrum and identifying as a Rebel now — plus I'm too non-committal to choose a guild and stick with it, so I'll likely jump around even more in the future.

 

Because I like to do a little bit of everything and can see myself fitting in with just about any guild, I kind of feel like a shapeshifter. But not a murderous, cultish one like the Faceless Men, lol — although Arya kicks all kinds of ass. So then I started thinking about X-Men, particularly Mystique or even Morph from the old X-Men cartoon, which seemed fitting because he had to deal with so many mental demons. Yet, this isn't about changing appearances. It's more about obtaining abilities from different sources and using them for whatever challenge is in front of me. If I were an X-Men, I'd want to have Rogue's ability to borrow the powers of those she comes in contact with. Kind of like Peter Petrelli from Heroes. Because the people who enter my life and touch me have an influence on the way I think and the things I can do. And I want to use those powers for good. If only I knew a powerful telepath who could take all the negative voices in my head and cage them up deep within my psyche where they can do no harm. Sigh...

 

Main Quest: My 30th birthday is in October. I'd like to weigh 200 pounds or less by then. Last month I lost somewhere between 7 and 10 pounds. I'm not exactly sure because I've been cheating a lot lately and may have gained some weight back. But I've got a week and a half left to go for a bet against my boss. I told him I would weigh 200 pounds by the end of September. It's not looking good right now, but if I really FORTIFY, I might be able to do it.

 

Quest 1: Complete my assigned Bodyweight exercises three times a week and complete a cool down afterward. I update these daily on my battle log if you want to see details and follow along.

A = Complete workout/cool down 3 times a week.
B = Complete workout/cool down 2 times a week.
C = Complete workout/cool down 1 time a week.
D = Complete 0 workouts/cool downs in a week.
F = No physical activity.

 

Quest 2: Walk and/or jog every day and complete a cool down afterward. I usually track these with the RunKeeper app on my battle log as well.

 

A = Walk/cool down 6-7 days a week

B = Walk/cool down 4-5 days a week.

C = Walk/cool down 2-3 day a week.

D = Walk/cool down 1 day a week.

F = No walking/cool downs.

Quest 3: Drink less alcohol.

A = Have no more than 3 drinks per week.
B = Have no more than 5 drinks per week. 
C = Have no more than 7 drinks per week.
D = Have no more than 9 drinks per week.
F = Anything more than that. 

Quest 4: Cook paleo meals more often, eat out less. If I do eat out, I will find healthy/paleo-ish options.

A = Eat out no more than 2 times a week. 
B = Eat out no more than 4 times a week.
C = Eat out no more than 6 times a week.
D = Eat out no more than 8 times a week.
F = Eat out more than 8 times a week. 

Life Quests: I've been struggling a lot lately with some brain weasels. I think it's finally time for me to find the courage to seek help and find my own personal Professor X. I've been avoiding this for a long time, but I don't think I can afford to anymore. I'm a big proponent of breaking down the stigma of mental health problems, but I haven't been able to break down that stigma within myself. I will start by talking to my doctor about the problems I'm having and see where it goes from there.

Motivation: I feel like my lack of self confidence is a big obstacle that gets in the way of enjoying life and taking chances. I'd like to look good, so I can feel good and live life to the fullest.

 

[Elastigirl]

I love the idea of a telepath who could just suck out all our negative thoughts.  Second best is what you are doing, finding a counselor to help. Looks like a good set up for a challenge

[Infinity.Creates]

Those are some really nicely thought out goals! And I really like the way that you've got some separate quests. Good luck with your life quest, it's always useful to find positive help from others, and I hope you find it good for you! (At least as a replacement for Professor X )

 

Also, good luck with your bet against your boss! I'm sure you'll rock it!

[Vibrantella]

Good luck with your challenge!

16 hours ago, EternalJourno said:

I'd like to look good, so I can feel good and live life to the fullest.

I think you may have it the wrong way round - follow your heart and live life to the fullest; that will make you feel great, which will make you appear better looking too!  I'm not saying don't work on your body - food and fitness are very important - but don't put your life on hold waiting for that elusive moment when you'll "look good" (by which definition?)

[Bookish Badger]

Following!

[AmyUncharted]

I wish you the  best of luck. Brain weasels can make life so much more difficult than it needs to be. Totally been there and still struggle. Glad to see you are tackling the issue head on. Your quests look great and I like how your measurement system is simple and very clear. I'll be following you on your journey! 

[Jormungand]

Definitely here for this challenge. You've got a lot on your plate, but you are clearly making the right steps on this path, and I see nothing that will stand in your way. Very cool theme this time around. 

[FatboySuave]

17 hours ago, Vibrantella said:

I think you may have it the wrong way round - follow your heart and live life to the fullest; that will make you feel great, which will make you appear better looking too! 

 

You are absolutely right.  But it's not actually about looking good necessarily. It's more about a lack of confidence and learning to build that up. That's the real thing that I feel is holding me back. For now, I'm hoping that some self confidence in my physical appearance will translate to self confidence in other parts of my life. 

I appreciate all the comments and support, everyone! 

 

I'll be kicking off this challenge with my first ever trip to the Grand Canyon. I've lived in the Southwest my whole life but I've never been, which is crazy. My buddy and I plan to hike 6 miles — 3 down and 3 back up — which is my longest hike in a long time, maybe longest ever. We're going to camp Saturday night and get up very early for a sunrise hike. I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm also a bit nervous because I've been pretty stagnant this week. I had one workout yesterday, but I haven't been walking, not even with Lil' Book.

As for the weight, my worries were blown out of proportion. As of this morning I was at 203, so my goal is still attainable next week. But I seriously have to get super serious, seriously. 

[Kvedulf]

Found you! Went looking in the Druids but you weren't there. Looks like we had the same idea!

Got your back and following!

[FatboySuave]

@Kvedulf, are you sure we aren't the same person? lol

Feeling like 100 grand: This morning my buddy and I hiked the Grand Canyon!!! This was my first time ever visiting and it was amazeballs! We hiked down 3 miles and then 3 back up. Leading up to the trip, my buddy kept worrying about it and talking about how hard it was gonna be, but I felt pretty confident because we've been hiking together so much lately. We rocked it and finished the hike in about 3 hours, maybe 3 1/2. We're already planning to come back in the spring to hike further down. To add to the good feelings, I found out that I won first place in headline writing in our state press association contest! So this challenge is off to a great start. I did have some cheat meals and beer over the weekend, but I don't think it'll hurt that much since we had such a good, long hike. As tired as I was when I got home, I managed to go shopping and do my meal prep. I didn't prep anything last week and it really threw me off. So now I've got breakfast and lunch ready to go for the week — my final week to get down to 200 pounds and shove it in my publisher's face. FORTIFY! 
 

 

[Kvedulf]

7 hours ago, EternalJourno said:

are you sure we aren't the same person? lol

 

Not  gonna lie, the thought has crossed my mind

 

Super jealous. Grand Canyon is on my bucket list. Nicely done on the press association contest.

[SnowOwl]

Congratulations on the award and the hike! It's so funny how we perceive ourselves versus the image we present to others, because when I see your pictures I don't see the things you describe about yourself - you look good, you appear confident, you are always out doing fun, active things. I think counseling can be so helpful in getting old ideas of ourselves updated.

[Jormungand]

That is fantastic to hear about your Grand Canyon trip. Also, major kudos for the award from your state press association. Compiling all of the stories and ads for our state press association contests was always a fun time for both the advertising and editorial departments at the paper I worked for. I loved going through the past year's work to find our highlights. However, it seemed that each year I would end up staying late while trying to submit all of the work last minute so that it met the association's increasingly superfluous contest regulations. All in all, though, I understand what an honor it is to be awarded. Congrats again. Keep up the good work, and I have no doubt you'll crush the rest of this week. 

[SaltyDragon]

On 9/22/2016 at 3:04 PM, EternalJourno said:

I feel like my lack of self confidence is a big obstacle that gets in the way of enjoying life and taking chances. I'd like to look good, so I can feel good and live life to the fullest.

 

This is pretty much everyone on the planet, by the way.  So, remind yourself, "It's not just me," then go do whatever the hell you want that challenges and excites you. @Vibrantella is right – it will all fall in place.

 

Glad to see your goals aren't changing much, and that you are seeing progress. That shows commitment, believe it or not! You'll get there!

[FatboySuave]

On 9/26/2016 at 7:29 AM, SnowOwl said:

It's so funny how we perceive ourselves versus the image we present to others, because when I see your pictures I don't see the things you describe about yourself - you look good, you appear confident, you are always out doing fun, active things.

 

I really appreciate the kind words! And you're absolutely right about the image we see versus the one we present to the rest of the world. People have been telling me lately that I look good, and I definitely see some results, but when I look in the mirror I still see myself overall as being overweight. I still feel like The Fat Guy. And maybe I'm gaining confidence without really being aware of it? Ever since I joined NF I've been trying new things, a lot of which I've logged on previous challenges. I'm actually getting to a point where I've achieved a lot of the quests I made for myself early on. So now I may need a new round of quests, but I'm not exactly sure where I want to be or who I want to be.

 

22 hours ago, Jormungand said:

However, it seemed that each year I would end up staying late while trying to submit all of the work last minute so that it met the association's increasingly superfluous contest regulations.

 

The struggle is real! I've been appointed the contest manager for our office, so I have to get everybody organized and submit everything myself. I mean, people help me where they can, but I'm usually stressing out for a month straight to get everything out. The most exciting award we got (even more exciting than my solo award) was for Best News Coverage. We pride ourselves on having a lot of local coverage. Our front page is always all local. And we've gotten second place the past two years and this year we got first. So I feel partially responsible because it's also dependent on design, which I've had a bigger hand in this year.

 

15 hours ago, SaltyDragon said:

This is pretty much everyone on the planet, by the way.  So, remind yourself, "It's not just me," then go do whatever the hell you want that challenges and excites you.

 

I know this isn't exactly what you're saying, but I somehow get relief in knowing that other people are just as miserable as me, if not more so, lol. Like I said above, I'm thinking I need to come up with some new quests and challenges. I really need to examine what I want to be doing with my life. I'd say I'm content right now, but maybe there's something out there that would excite me more. I'm even considering changing my challenge quests. I feel like the goals I've set for the past few months have pretty much formed into solid habits now, so it's almost like I don't need to grade myself on these particular things anymore because they're already sealed in my head. I need new quests to push my boundaries and see what I'm capable of — baby steps, of course.

[SaltyDragon]

6 hours ago, EternalJourno said:

...but when I look in the mirror I still see myself overall as being overweight. I still feel like The Fat Guy.

 

This, I think, is also a solid majority of the population. For instance, I know I'm not overweight anymore, but I'm still the fat kid in my mind. I don't expect that to ever really change. We're always going to be our own toughest critic, but that can be OK. If it's motivating, I don't think I'd worry. But don't let it cause anxiety.

 

Shaking up your goals might be good too. A lot of us seem to be doing that lately.

[FatboySuave]

A mighty small victory: I had a moment of weakness today, but I powered through it somehow.

 

I weighed myself in the morning and I'm at 202, which is good, but also kind of stresses me out because I was really hoping to be at 200 by Friday. It's little things like that that spawn thoughts of, "That's impossible, you're never going to make it." I know that's an irrational thought, but it's just an example of how the brain weasels can throw off my mindset. 

 

In the afternoon I was really, really, really craving a hamburger because of a stupid YouTube video about good burgers — don't click the link if you're worried it might trigger you, lol. I seriously thought about cheating and getting a burger on my way home from work because it had been a longer than usual day — my boss is gone for the week, which leaves me in charge and in a bad mood. I just wanted to eat my feelings.

 

I ended up running some errands first — I needed new resistance bands and a gate for Booklet to keep her in the house since it's starting to get cold here. I ended up buying some vegetables because I had planned earlier to make stir fry for dinner. But even with the veggies purchased, I was still thinking about getting a burger. And it doesn't help that EVERY fast food place lines the road to my house. I think the smell alone makes me gain weight sometimes.

 

But somehow, miraculously I did NOT get any fast food. I went straight home and started cooking and enjoyed some szechuan chicken with zucchini noodles and mixed veggies with plenty leftovers for tomorrow's dinner. Oh, and I ate quite a few blueberries to curb my cravings.

 

In retrospect it's such a small thing to go into detail about and it's probably not exciting to read, but at that moment it felt like this huge obstacle, so avoiding the burger and cooking instead felt like a mighty victory. And I just finished a workout and killed my arms doing pushups, which felt great, even though my arms are still sore. 

 

Tomorrow's plan: I'm sure I'll weigh myself in the morning again because I can't help myself. So we'll see if there's any movement. I also really want to go hiking tomorrow. I've been really slacking on walking Booklet this week. I wanted to hike Tuesday, but it looked like it was going to rain so I wimped out. So we need a good, long, strenuous hike tomorrow. Then in the evening a buddy is having a sort of bachelor hangout at the bar. I'm pretty sure I can avoid drinking though. I successfully didn't drink anything Monday night when my friends and I watched the presidential debate at the bar.

 

By the way, for you non-Americans out there, I'm curious how our presidential race looks to you guys — if you're paying it any mind, that is. 

[SaltyDragon]

Good work!

[Lateral Planet]

Major kudos on a mighty victory! It's so difficult when you've decided not to have something and then suddenly it's all you can think about! So very well done for going the other way

 

PS Booklet is just the cutest name!!

[FatboySuave]

I've been slacking on the Book updates lately, so here's a photo of the lil' one. 
 

 

[Kvedulf]

Holy crap! Booklet has grown so much! She is still super-duper adorable. Brilliant job resisting the siren call of the burger. Besides, your  szechuan chicken sounds tastier anyway.

[Bookish Badger]

9 hours ago, EternalJourno said:

In retrospect it's such a small thing to go into detail about

 

You chose effort over convenience and restraint over indulgence when you were already tired and frustrated. That is no small thing!

 

And yes, Booklet looks lazy/weird in that photo, in that adorable way all dogs have. Give her an extra hug for me. 

[Jormungand]

I know the feeling of what it's like driving past all of the restaurants that used to be so normal in the past. When I worked night shifts in a previous life, I had to drive past four restaurants on my way home when I wanted breakfast, and I wasn't always successful in refusing to hit the turn signal. Well done on staying strong and cooking what sounds like a fantastic meal.

 

As far as that scale is concerned, just keep doing your thing and it will be what it will be. I completely understand your mindset, because I used to be exactly where you're at: weight hovering just over 200 and struggling to hit that magic number, usually in spite of all the work I'd put in that week. It didn't happen when I thought it should happen, but it did finally kick over, and it will for you because of all the work and discipline you've developed.

 

Just look back at how far you've come already. How many pounds have you dropped since all this started? That is impressive, man. And even when that day comes that you finally crack back under 200, there will be days that you go back and forth between 199 and 201. It's just the weirdness and awesomeness of our bodies being in a constant state of flux. But as you continue to progress, you will finally reach the point where you're just maintaining and getting stronger. That day will come, and we will all be here to celebrate your victory.

[FatboySuave]

Guess who broke the 200 pound threshold! 
 

 

I was at 200.5 as of Friday morning and I talked to my boss. He gave me one more day to get below 200. I weighed in Saturday morning but didn't quite make it still. And I had a friend's wedding. I was hoping to get the bet out of the way so I could enjoy the wedding guilt free, but I ended up being super conscious about what I ate and drank. I ended up drinking a lot of cocktails (flavored vodka with diet coke), but toward the end of the night I drank a lot of water and did ALOT of dancing. I was dripping sweat. When I weighed in this morning, BOOM! I did it. I don't know how, but I did it. I took this photo to take to work and prove to my boss. Let's see if he makes good on his word, lol. 

[SnowOwl]

Woohoo! Congratulations!!!