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Koaladle

Vanquishing Traitor Brain

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The B. R. E. A. T. H. E. accountabilibuddies group was such a success that I decided to start a second group to both meet the demand and keep the groups more intimate. This is a group for help and support as we work through depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues while we try to get more fit.

 

Anyway, to introduce yourself, tell us what's working against you and what you're trying to accomplish despite the odds.

 

I'm Koaladle, and I struggle with MST; that comes with anxiety problems, a hearty helping of insecurity, and depressive periods. I just committed to a 9 3/4K with the Hogwarts Running Club, so I'm going to keep walking until I can go that distance in one trip. On days where I don't train, I want to focus on my monthly challenge. 

Layzar focuss

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So I'm Infinity, and I introduced myself in Project BREATHE, but I figured I would simply do it again here. I live in the UK and I'm studying in my final year before uni (though I'm taking a gap year inbetween). I want to study Physics & Philosopy, but I don't really know where to go after that (which is another source of stress). I love reading and anything creative/artsy. 

 

I've been struggling on and off with depression for the past four years, and I self-harmed for the first two years. It's still a mental battle I deal with, and I do relapse during periods of extreme stress/anxiety/depression. I also have mild anxiety and one of my teachers has recommended that I get tested for ADHD (which would explain a lot). My current struggle is not emotionally eating, and to study. My last exam results were incredibly terribly disappointing, and I need to up my game three fold.

 

Also, I'm trying to get used to the additional responsibility of adult life. I'm job hunting (to pay for my gap year), and figuring out money and university and all that fun stuff. 

 

My current biggest source of anxiety is a game of Dungeons & Dragons. I love the game and the story telling and the campaign, but I am sometimes just too exhausted to play for four hours. However, my DM is not very understanding about this and I need to attend every week. This is understandable, especially due to the amount of work he puts into it, but it makes me feel really guilty whenever I'm busy and CANNOT attend (I took my laptop on a camp with me just to play) and gives me anxiety any time I trick my way out of playing. Basically, it gives me stress and anxiety, but I love playing. I also don't know how I would even begin approaching them to say I don't want to play anymore. I feel like I need a 'legitimate excuse.

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3 hours ago, PhysicsObeysMe said:

So I'm Infinity, and I introduced myself in Project BREATHE, but I figured I would simply do it again here. I live in the UK and I'm studying in my final year before uni (though I'm taking a gap year inbetween). I want to study Physics & Philosopy, but I don't really know where to go after that (which is another source of stress). I love reading and anything creative/artsy. 

 

I've been struggling on and off with depression for the past four years, and I self-harmed for the first two years. It's still a mental battle I deal with, and I do relapse during periods of extreme stress/anxiety/depression. I also have mild anxiety and one of my teachers has recommended that I get tested for ADHD (which would explain a lot). My current struggle is not emotionally eating, and to study. My last exam results were incredibly terribly disappointing, and I need to up my game three fold.

 

Also, I'm trying to get used to the additional responsibility of adult life. I'm job hunting (to pay for my gap year), and figuring out money and university and all that fun stuff. 

 

My current biggest source of anxiety is a game of Dungeons & Dragons. I love the game and the story telling and the campaign, but I am sometimes just too exhausted to play for four hours. However, my DM is not very understanding about this and I need to attend every week. This is understandable, especially due to the amount of work he puts into it, but it makes me feel really guilty whenever I'm busy and CANNOT attend (I took my laptop on a camp with me just to play) and gives me anxiety any time I trick my way out of playing. Basically, it gives me stress and anxiety, but I love playing. I also don't know how I would even begin approaching them to say I don't want to play anymore. I feel like I need a 'legitimate excuse.

 

Gap year will be a great time to travel and network in your desired field. I would recommend going to conferences and seeing who you meet. Finding a career opportunity might be a little bit of a stretch in optimism, but you will definitely have a chance to see what you can do with your degree once you graduate. 

 

So you love the game but the group isn't a good fit? Just go. Your schedule, stress level, and the time commitment it requires are all individually legitimate reasons to drop out. I would just say "I don't have the time to commit to this level of D&D, so I will drop out of the group (at whatever time)." If he's prepared two weeks in advance or something it is polite to play up until that point, but make sure you are clear that you will not be involved after that. If he asks prying questions, just answer them honestly: you don't have the time or energy to play and there is a lot going on. With the amount of flexibility in designing RPGs, I don't get why he doesn't make you a djinn or something so that you can play, but come and go as your schedule demands (with week's notice). Anyway, don't be afraid to stick up for and take care of yourself. When all is said and done, both you and the DM will be better off--you don't trick your way out of anything, and the DM doesn't get frustrated when he preps for something and you can't make it. 

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18 minutes ago, Koaladle said:

Unrelated, I'm relieved you came over. I was wondering if someone would. O.O

Tbh, there hasn't been much activity in the other one either..

And thanks for the advice! I'm going to inform the DM after the session tonight, and maybe play for a session or two more (its up to him)

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5 hours ago, PhysicsObeysMe said:

My current biggest source of anxiety is a game of Dungeons & Dragons. I love the game and the story telling and the campaign, but I am sometimes just too exhausted to play for four hours. However, my DM is not very understanding about this and I need to attend every week. This is understandable, especially due to the amount of work he puts into it, but it makes me feel really guilty whenever I'm busy and CANNOT attend (I took my laptop on a camp with me just to play) and gives me anxiety any time I trick my way out of playing. Basically, it gives me stress and anxiety, but I love playing. I also don't know how I would even begin approaching them to say I don't want to play anymore. I feel like I need a 'legitimate excuse.

I've played D&D my whole life, and honestly, he sounds like a shitty DM for not being understanding. The well being of your players is way more important than the campaign, no matter how much time you put into it. Now, if a player ends up missing more sessions than they can attend, than that player should probably leave the group (even if it's just temporary) because that ends up being not fair to the DM or other players. On the other hand, a DM should be understanding when a player has to miss the occasional session or two. No matter the reason. Life happens. Even if you're playing with a small group, it shouldn't take more than an hour (if you aren't very familiar with the game), to adjust for a player not being able to make it that day (especially when you're only doing 4 hour sessions). You already have plenty of legitimate reasons to quite that group.

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1 hour ago, zeroh13 said:

I've played D&D my whole life, and honestly, he sounds like a shitty DM for not being understanding. The well being of your players is way more important than the campaign, no matter how much time you put into it. Now, if a player ends up missing more sessions than they can attend, than that player should probably leave the group (even if it's just temporary) because that ends up being not fair to the DM or other players. On the other hand, a DM should be understanding when a player has to miss the occasional session or two. No matter the reason. Life happens. Even if you're playing with a small group, it shouldn't take more than an hour (if you aren't very familiar with the game), to adjust for a player not being able to make it that day (especially when you're only doing 4 hour sessions). You already have plenty of legitimate reasons to quite that group.

 

Exactly. Players should be courteous and know when to bow out, and DMs should be flexible enough to manage without a player when they go on a camping trip. 

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19 minutes ago, Koaladle said:

@zeroh13 I popped over to the other group to read over your intro. How was your week at work? What progress did you make on your self improvement goals?

 

Summarizing my intro here for convenience:

Have dealt with depression in the past, currently struggling with social anxiety and ADHD. And anger issues. Mostly job related. Maybe new job soon, totally awesome if I get it but so so so much stress at the same time. Working on getting ADHD treated. This challenge will be a lot of centering and learning and trying to be professional. And I forgot to mention this before, but my wife has really bad depression, anxiety (social and existential), OCD, and borderline personality disorder. So I have a lot of experience with mental issues from a personal and a supportive role.

 

This week, I spent a lot of time at work reading a book about nutrition for vegetarian athletes. It was a really slow week. I only had one or two little outbursts (pretty much just a bunch of cursing). But since I'm now working alone like 90% of the time there wasn't anyone around to witness.

 

I did make some progress on the ADHD front though! And struggled a bit with social anxiety at the same time. Phone calls literally make me want to throw up.

 

A little background (this is long, feel free to skip to the italicized part at the end): I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 21. I had dropped out of university, but was still helping out at the diversity center on campus. I was thinking about re-enrolling and one of the people at the center I talked about it with suggested that I get tested for ADHD. All it took was a one hour session with a psychiatrist. He prescribed me something for it. And when it started becoming less effective, he just kept increasing the dose. Eventually he moved to another state and I just gave up on taking medication that wasn't really doing anything for me anymore. Fast forward a few years to the present, and I decide to give taking medication another shot. Because there are things that I need to do and things that I want to do that require sitting and focusing for a long period of time, which is a gigantic struggle for me. Eventually I got up the courage to find a reputable looking place that has experience with both LGBTQIA+ patients and ADHD patients. At the end of my appointment at this place, she says that she wants me to get psychological testing first so that we can get a better understanding of my ADHD which should help in finding the right medication for me, plus other treatment methods. tl;dr diagnosed as adult by shitty psychiatrist, took meds for a few years then stopped, want to start meds again so found a better psychiatrist who wants me to go through proper testing first.

 

I got a voicemail yesterday saying that my insurance finally approved the testing. So I had to call back, and schedule that. It's an 8 hour long test, so they divide it into two days. Now I just have to wait a couple weeks.

 

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3 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

 

Summarizing my intro here for convenience:

Have dealt with depression in the past, currently struggling with social anxiety and ADHD. And anger issues. Mostly job related. Maybe new job soon, totally awesome if I get it but so so so much stress at the same time. Working on getting ADHD treated. This challenge will be a lot of centering and learning and trying to be professional. And I forgot to mention this before, but my wife has really bad depression, anxiety (social and existential), OCD, and borderline personality disorder. So I have a lot of experience with mental issues from a personal and a supportive role.

 

This week, I spent a lot of time at work reading a book about nutrition for vegetarian athletes. It was a really slow week. I only had one or two little outbursts (pretty much just a bunch of cursing). But since I'm now working alone like 90% of the time there wasn't anyone around to witness.

 

I did make some progress on the ADHD front though! And struggled a bit with social anxiety at the same time. Phone calls literally make me want to throw up.

 

A little background (this is long, feel free to skip to the italicized part at the end): I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 21. I had dropped out of university, but was still helping out at the diversity center on campus. I was thinking about re-enrolling and one of the people at the center I talked about it with suggested that I get tested for ADHD. All it took was a one hour session with a psychiatrist. He prescribed me something for it. And when it started becoming less effective, he just kept increasing the dose. Eventually he moved to another state and I just gave up on taking medication that wasn't really doing anything for me anymore. Fast forward a few years to the present, and I decide to give taking medication another shot. Because there are things that I need to do and things that I want to do that require sitting and focusing for a long period of time, which is a gigantic struggle for me. Eventually I got up the courage to find a reputable looking place that has experience with both LGBTQIA+ patients and ADHD patients. At the end of my appointment at this place, she says that she wants me to get psychological testing first so that we can get a better understanding of my ADHD which should help in finding the right medication for me, plus other treatment methods. tl;dr diagnosed as adult by shitty psychiatrist, took meds for a few years then stopped, want to start meds again so found a better psychiatrist who wants me to go through proper testing first.

 

I got a voicemail yesterday saying that my insurance finally approved the testing. So I had to call back, and schedule that. It's an 8 hour long test, so they divide it into two days. Now I just have to wait a couple weeks.

 

 

I will never underestimate the importance of the right professional for the job. I'm so glad that your new psychiatrist is a good fit and specializes in your needs. It is amazing to me that "let's test, then medicate" is so uncommon.

 

What are you doing during the day to help get through work? 

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5 hours ago, Koaladle said:

What are you doing during the day to help get through work? 

Most days aren't that bad. It's just the ones that are before and after the large events that are really stressful. Before because it means long days with a lot of things to do. And after because I get to go back through all the areas and clean up after people's stupidity.  If something really pisses me off I walk away for a bit and go do something else. Last week and this week are mostly prep days with a couple small event days, so I can just take my time, spend a few extra minutes at lunch, etc. If I can get away with it I'll play music from my phone too.

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1 hour ago, Koaladle said:

Good to hear that not every day is a stressful mess. I was going to suggest you check out meditation techniques from the Druids.  

I have daily meditation/reflection as part of my challenge (which is with the druids this time around). :)

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25 minutes ago, zeroh13 said:

I have daily meditation/reflection as part of my challenge (which is with the druids this time around). :)

I think I'm going to include it with my next challenge as well. I found myself needing some guided meditation to calm myself about school and the game.

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Hey, y'all. :)

 

I am MiaulinTheCat and at present I don't actually know what's up, haven't talked to a doctor about it yet as there hasn't been an opportunity. Unpredictable swings of cripplingly Bad FeelingsTM (well, that's what I call it) that make it really hard to function. I've largely lost interest in life in general and there's often a huge disconnect...there are things I get excited about, and want to do, but then seconds later it all seems incredibly pointless. I have this need to do something useful with my life but the Bad FeelingsTM get so in the way of that, everything's either drastically slowed or basically put completely on hold until this can be got under control.

 

One of the biggest contributing factors is also something that there's nothing to be done about, as it's Unavoidable School-Related Stress. There'll be huge relief once I can get through this hurdle, but at the same time the Bad FeelingsTM make it all but impossible to actually do that. It's a mess, but I'm still fighting with it.

 

For this Challenge, I'm forcing myself to get back started on the things I know will help, while also experimenting some more with the things I haven't tried much yet. 

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Oh howdy! 

 

Do you think you'll be able to see a doctor any time soon? It may be a big help, and mayhaps the school stress will be more manageable. 

 

I had a hell of a day today. I'm sorting though a lot of stuff that got packed up before I joined the Navy, so it's all childhood memorabilia and painful memories (most of it at least). I dissolved into a sobbing mess twice over my grandma; the first time because I unexpectedly ran across the curtains she sewed for my nursery, and the second time when I found old photos of her and my grandpa. He is the last of my grandparents alive, and we are really close. He's been such a support since my dad left the picture, and even gave his blessing on my marriage, helped fund our wedding, and even walked me down the aisle. Last year the other side of my family had several deaths and I am dreading the call that my grandpa has passed away. Granted, he is in excellent health for his age and both his parents lived into their 90s, so it's a somewhat irrational fear that he'll be gone any time soon. Anyway, I sorted though years of birthday cards from my now estranged father, letters from old boyfriends, little things my grandma gave me when she moved out of her house... by this evening, I was too emotionally exhausted to finish cleaning the room. It's literally five more minutes of work, and there is just no way. Immediately after eating dinner, I threw up, most likely from excessive feels. 

 

Today was not anyone's definition of fun. :( There's a lot of work I have to do tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. 

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On 9/24/2016 at 1:10 PM, zeroh13 said:

I've played D&D my whole life, and honestly, he sounds like a shitty DM for not being understanding. The well being of your players is way more important than the campaign, no matter how much time you put into it. Now, if a player ends up missing more sessions than they can attend, than that player should probably leave the group (even if it's just temporary) because that ends up being not fair to the DM or other players. On the other hand, a DM should be understanding when a player has to miss the occasional session or two. No matter the reason. Life happens. Even if you're playing with a small group, it shouldn't take more than an hour (if you aren't very familiar with the game), to adjust for a player not being able to make it that day (especially when you're only doing 4 hour sessions). You already have plenty of legitimate reasons to quite that group.

 

THIS. As a DM, my players having a good time is my priority. If something is wrong, a DM's job is to hear that and help make adjustments. Never stay with a group that makes you unhappy, that's my philosophy as a player as well.

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15 hours ago, Koaladle said:

Oh howdy! 

 

Do you think you'll be able to see a doctor any time soon? It may be a big help, and mayhaps the school stress will be more manageable. 

 

I had a hell of a day today. I'm sorting though a lot of stuff that got packed up before I joined the Navy, so it's all childhood memorabilia and painful memories (most of it at least). I dissolved into a sobbing mess twice over my grandma; the first time because I unexpectedly ran across the curtains she sewed for my nursery, and the second time when I found old photos of her and my grandpa. He is the last of my grandparents alive, and we are really close. He's been such a support since my dad left the picture, and even gave his blessing on my marriage, helped fund our wedding, and even walked me down the aisle. Last year the other side of my family had several deaths and I am dreading the call that my grandpa has passed away. Granted, he is in excellent health for his age and both his parents lived into their 90s, so it's a somewhat irrational fear that he'll be gone any time soon. Anyway, I sorted though years of birthday cards from my now estranged father, letters from old boyfriends, little things my grandma gave me when she moved out of her house... by this evening, I was too emotionally exhausted to finish cleaning the room. It's literally five more minutes of work, and there is just no way. Immediately after eating dinner, I threw up, most likely from excessive feels. 

 

Today was not anyone's definition of fun. :( There's a lot of work I have to do tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it. 

 

Eyh, if I wind up going to a doctor, it'll probably be sometime late November or even December. Mom found a supplement she wants me to try before we bring a doctor into it, and I prefer to listen to her on this. We tried Magnesium with no luck, but hopefully this stuff will help. Even if it does, though, I'll be telling my doctor about it at the next appointment just because he should probably know about any supplements, natural or otherwise. It's just a matter of holding out 'til then.

 

I'm so sorry for your bad day!  *Virtual hugs*

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2 hours ago, MiaulinTheCat said:

 

Eyh, if I wind up going to a doctor, it'll probably be sometime late November or even December. Mom found a supplement she wants me to try before we bring a doctor into it, and I prefer to listen to her on this. We tried Magnesium with no luck, but hopefully this stuff will help. Even if it does, though, I'll be telling my doctor about it at the next appointment just because he should probably know about any supplements, natural or otherwise. It's just a matter of holding out 'til then.

 

I'm so sorry for your bad day!  *Virtual hugs*

 

Thanks. <3 It was the kind of bad day that spilled over into today, and I'm only just at the point where I'm ready to get to work again. -.- Sad feelings are sad.

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Does anyone else start feeling majorly guilty if they have a productive day but don't hit their goals? I did food prep all day and cooked for the week, including making portions of veggie snacks, but due to how the day ran I didn't have a sticker day. -.- I'm an all or nothing kind of person, so it is really difficult to see my accomplishments when there isn't a perfect record.

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33 minutes ago, Koaladle said:

Does anyone else start feeling majorly guilty if they have a productive day but don't hit their goals? I did food prep all day and cooked for the week, including making portions of veggie snacks, but due to how the day ran I didn't have a sticker day. -.- I'm an all or nothing kind of person, so it is really difficult to see my accomplishments when there isn't a perfect record.

That's part of the reason I track everything on my spreadsheet. I have it broken down so that I can see my progress for the day, the week, and the overall challenge, plus each category. (It used to be much simpler, but it's evolved over the past couple challenges.)

 

Like, yesterday I did okay overall, even though I missed a few things. It could have been better, but I still have a passing grade.  And I can see that sliping a little yesterday won't make much of a difference for the overall challenge, or even for the week.

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55 minutes ago, Koaladle said:

Does anyone else start feeling majorly guilty if they have a productive day but don't hit their goals? I did food prep all day and cooked for the week, including making portions of veggie snacks, but due to how the day ran I didn't have a sticker day. -.- I'm an all or nothing kind of person, so it is really difficult to see my accomplishments when there isn't a perfect record.

 

Y E S. I feel guilty when I do hit my goals, too.

 

But look, like you said, you did food prep. You cooked for a week's worth of meals. That's something to be proud of. You did good!

 

Pointless Rambling:

 

I'm twenty years old and have never been interested in cellphones or ipads or really any electronics other than my laptop, but lately I'm starting to actually kind of really want a phone. Not to call anyone, because I have nobody to call, but for the apps and things. It'd be nice to be able to listen to music in public or at bedtime in order to calm down without disturbing anyone, and there are Management Apps that don't seem to be available on a laptop. But I don't know if this is something that would actually be useful for me, or if it's just a frivolous want and unnecessary expense.

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2 hours ago, MiaulinTheCat said:

I'm twenty years old and have never been interested in cellphones or ipads or really any electronics other than my laptop, but lately I'm starting to actually kind of really want a phone. Not to call anyone, because I have nobody to call, but for the apps and things. It'd be nice to be able to listen to music in public or at bedtime in order to calm down without disturbing anyone, and there are Management Apps that don't seem to be available on a laptop. But I don't know if this is something that would actually be useful for me, or if it's just a frivolous want and unnecessary expense.

Unless you already have a phone and want a specific upgrade, or you really want the phone, you can probably find alternatives? You can get iPods for the music, and you could upgrade your laptop so it would accept those apps. 

Which is very strange advice to me, because my phone is pretty invaluable to me. It depends on how much youre willing to pay for it! 

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3 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

That's part of the reason I track everything on my spreadsheet. I have it broken down so that I can see my progress for the day, the week, and the overall challenge, plus each category. (It used to be much simpler, but it's evolved over the past couple challenges.)

 

Like, yesterday I did okay overall, even though I missed a few things. It could have been better, but I still have a passing grade.  And I can see that sliping a little yesterday won't make much of a difference for the overall challenge, or even for the week.

 

I have precisely zero spreadsheet skills, but my husband is handy like that. I'll see what we can come up with once his work week is over. :D

 

2 hours ago, MiaulinTheCat said:

 

Pointless Rambling:

 

I'm twenty years old and have never been interested in cellphones or ipads or really any electronics other than my laptop, but lately I'm starting to actually kind of really want a phone. Not to call anyone, because I have nobody to call, but for the apps and things. It'd be nice to be able to listen to music in public or at bedtime in order to calm down without disturbing anyone, and there are Management Apps that don't seem to be available on a laptop. But I don't know if this is something that would actually be useful for me, or if it's just a frivolous want and unnecessary expense.

 

NOT POINTLESS STOPPP THAAATTT 

 

I didn't get a smartphone until I was almost 26. I did save a ton of money that way, but I have to admit my walks are longer when I have music, and apps like Pokemon Go are motivating. I loooovveee collecting things but I dislike junk, making virtual collections the perfect compromise. Plus, my husband and I can share a calendar so we know what we have planned for the week. ANYWAY it is a luxury, but if you can afford it there are tons of tools available to help you stay on track with your goals. Here's another thing, too: you don't need a contract or anything if you're going to use a phone just for apps. You may be able to buy an older phone and use it basically as a pocket tablet.

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On 9/22/2016 at 6:37 PM, Koaladle said:

I just committed to a 9 3/4K with the Hogwarts Running Club, so I'm going to keep walking until I can go that distance in one trip. 

 

NO WAY! I'm a part of the Hogwarts Running Club too! Even have a magnet on the back of my car :D What house are you in? I'm a proud badger! I stopped using charity miles because it was sucking the life out of my battery, but I still run. 

 

On 9/22/2016 at 6:37 PM, Koaladle said:

Anyway, to introduce yourself, tell us what's working against you and what you're trying to accomplish despite the odds.

 

I'll introduce myself again. I can't remember everything I put in my post over at B.R.E.A.T.H.E. so sorry if I repeat myself :P I go by Jade online mainly but sometimes I like Jayce. I've been diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist and bipolar by my psychiatrist. I like to stick with the PTSD because I'm in complete denial of anything related to being bipolar even though I do have the symptoms. The idea just scares me. I also just love my therapist, not romantically of course . She is just wonderful. It took me several years to find a good one. And now I've been seeing her for 4 years. I have a history of self harm, though I haven't done it in almost 9 months. I also have a difficult time with depression and anxiety. Just now coming out of a pretty bad bout of anxiety. I was in a 4 year relationship which recently ended and I'm still quite devastated....though that word isn't strong enough for how I'm truly feeling. 

 

I'm trying to accomplish several things. Currently though I'm trying my hardest to move to Seattle. I feel it will greatly impact my mood in a positive sense. I'm also working on my running, sticking to a schedule, and signing up for races to keep myself going even when I'm not feeling well. An epic quest I've had for years and years is to get a 6 pack. It's seriously my fitness dream. I'm starting small with building my running habits....then it's on to diet and strength training. 

 

I think that's about it. I love the idea that this started up as a more intimate group setting. BREATHE was getting to be a bit overwhelming for me :P Look forward to chatting with you all!   

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