Merrin: I Am A Fucking Magical Girl

[Merrin]

Our Story So Far: An introverted, cosplay-fanatic girl joins a nerdy fitness website, and starts learning how to eat healthy, how to work out, and how to connect with people again. Things go well for a year. Our heroine loses more than twenty pounds and has learned to love many strange new and healthy foods, and has also discovered a love of hitting things and getting sweaty. At the start of the year, our heroine faces her greatest boss battle yet: divorce. It costs money, and time, and emotional energy. She watches her social circle drift away, disconnect, or be visibly taken from her. She feels alone and isolated. She struggles with food again for the first time in two years. She stops going on walks, or sitting outside. Staying in and watching Youtube is the only thing that feels safe. 

 

Then, she hears about this crazy Camp thing. It sounds like a major investment...in herself. But she does it. She goes to camp and learns to smash boards with her arm, and kill sentries with a bow, and climb waterfalls in her bare feet, and open up about dark, inky emotions. She finds hugs, and love, and acceptance, and support. She realizes she needs a new name, something to embody this new avatar, this new person she's become after all this pain and loss and growth. In a sense, she's still 'everanything', because now she's a hero, and a survivor, and a holder of space, and a teacher, and a fucking badass magical girl.

 

Our Cast of Characters:

 

Merrin: Me! 30 years old, foodie, recovering junk food addict, soda free for 1.5 years, lover of avocados and bacon, fond of teaching, passionate about sewing, bubbly introvert, depressive, baker of cookies. 

 

Rebecca: The name for my Depression; the Monster I frequently try to kiss on the nose.

 

Ifrit: Boyfriend! Main supportive force, disliker of avocados, expert bacon cook, incredibly weird, incredibly intelligent, introvert, archery master, stealer of snuggles.

 

Part-Time Spare Spoons Puppy: only the best and sweetest and smartest dog ever, tolerant of hugs, fetcher of rope, murderer of sticks, giver of snuggles.

 

 

I have so many things to apply from camp, but I'm going to start off slow. Well. Slow-ish. 

 

Camp-Style Cooking: I've never eaten so healthy in all my life. Fruit at breakfast? Salad at lunch? Yes please! I'll be aiming for two healthy meals a day. 

 

Smashing Boards: I loved all the movement and strike patterns from Theory of Power. I want to incorporate them into a boxing-style workout. Goal is 2x a week. 

 

Deku Tree: Meditation is really easy when you have a beautiful place in which to practice it. While my yard needs work (and I do have a tree where I could build a tree house but it's getting cold here so maybe next summer) I do still have a hammock, and the hum of the highway is relaxing. Goal: minimum 5 minutes 3x a week.

 

Dammit Clover: When necessary from meditation or if it's just been a hard day, I will take at least ten minutes to write out my thoughts, and incorporate new journaling techniques as needed.

 

Body Movin': a goal in three parts. Daily walking, no set time minimum. Daily stretches, shoulders, hips, and back with the most focus. Dancing when the mood strikes me. 

 

Killing Sentries: I will need to test out both the longbow and the compound that belong to Ifrit, and see which feels best weight-wise for me to shoot. Then, I'll set up some targets on our fence. Goal will stand at 1x per week until I assess how much and which muscles this utilizes. 

 

Goals are set to start Friday, because I came home with camp crud.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not the Camp Plague. I was certain I had a fever while waiting to board my plane, but fortunately I feel fine today. 

These are some great goals, I'll be following. It was an honor to meet you.

[maegs]

I somehow missed your name change, which explains why I couldn't even find your profile! But I'm here now!  I hope you kick camp-plague-butt!

[Wild Wolf]

This is a really cool challenge! Just cuz you were actually bold enough to put "fuck" in your title with no *%# is awesome IMO. I like the cast of characters and your goals are great- looking forward to following

W0lf

"Maximum Effort!"

[x Valkyrie x]

It's a Nerd's prerogotive to reinvent themselves when appropriate!  (See: Bruce Wayne becomes Batman. See also: Lara Croft becomes the Tomb Raider) 

 

Love your goals and the cast of characters! Looking forward to following along! 

[Mrs Van]

23 hours ago, Merrin said:

In a sense, she's still 'everanything', because now she's a hero, and a survivor, and a holder of space, and a teacher, and a fucking badass magical girl.

I like this part.

Love your descriptions for yourself, boyfriend! and puppy! Glad you had such a good time at camp.

[NeverThatBored]

I LOVE the title of this challenge, and also everything else about it. Following again!

[bker1370]

Sounds like camp was as awesome as it should be.  Following along.

[jonfirestar]

Love the challenge. Amazing back story and awesome cast of characters. Will be following along.

[Teros]

On 9/26/2016 at 3:00 PM, Merrin said:

 In a sense, she's still 'everanything', because now she's a hero, and a survivor, and a holder of space, and a teacher, and a fucking badass magical girl.

 

Smashing Boards: I loved all the movement and strike patterns from Theory of Power. I want to incorporate them into a boxing-style workout. Goal is 2x a week.

 

Boxing style workouts are awesome.  Not that I would know about those at all. 

 

[Merrin]

Ok, starting off slow here, since my timeline of Friday has not seen me totally healthy. (I slept 14 hours yesterday, y'all. IDEK.) 

 

Deku Tree: sat outside in the hammock for a little bit yesterday. 

 

Camp Cooking: have leftover red sauce supper. Have salad fixings all ready to go for overnight lunch. (Had applesauce, yogurt, cereal and tea for breakfast. Most food has no flavor right now thanks to my sinuses.)

 

Body Movin': working on shoulder and back stretches.

[Merrin]

Trigger warning for SI-patterns and thoughts.

 

Spoiler

So, a really, really scary thing happened today. I was tidying up a last few things from camp, including re-stocking my toiletries kit. I went to put it back in my camp bag and make sure nothing else was loose, like a hair tie or a comb or a travel conditioner, etc. I came across a single-blade razor. I believe I picked it up on the recent trip to Santa Fe; it's the only place I recall staying recently that provided more than the basic complimentary stuff.

 

My first immediate thought upon having this thing in my hand was 'Hey, why don't you go ahead and open up a vein? Right now. You could totally do it right now." In that moment, I was not thinking 'Where did this come from' or 'I can just leave it in the bag'. My panicked, triggered brain immediately went 'DEFCON FIVE ELIMINATE THREAT AND ISOLATE TARGET'. I stuffed it into Ifrit's bathroom drawer. I put several items in front of it. I went downstairs after grabbing two drinks, a snack, and my phone.

 

All I could think was how I needed to immediately not feel alone. Ifrit's new job has him on constant face time with people, so I really had no idea if he was available. Thankfully, he had texted me not five minutes before, so I called him. Thank the little gods of communication, he was available, and talked with me for about fifteen minutes. We went over my immediate response plan, how I had removed the threat as best I could (Calm Brain and Logic tell me I could've chucked it into the bin outside but Panic Brain needed the Source immediately suppressed), how I was far away from the item, that I had strong smells and tastes with me, that I had comforting sensations with me, that I was about to bail on my episode of Sense8 (which, while amazing, gets super heavy with content) and how I didn't know what to do with my hands. He suggested I play Niche. So I did, and narrated it to him, just to keep talking, silly details, like 'Ah no there's another Predator and I'm just a beebee what do I dooo!' and such. I finally calmed down; the game helped for sure, because the music is soothing and the mechanics are super engaging.

 

I told him where the Source was and requested he dispose of it once he got home. He asked if he needed to scour the house for anything similar. It's funny, he only ever trims his beard with a clipper, and I never shave, just crème remover if I feel like it. Why did I take it from that motel? I haven't the faintest.

 

Why did these thoughts come up so immediately, on what has been the afterglow of one of the best weeks of my life? I really am not sure. It took some shaky hands just to type this up. I feel that some Love Response journaling may unlock this further, with the bonus magical advantage that I can burn it if necessary once I'm done. I don't feel depressed in any way that has led to me hurting myself in the past. I don't feel suicidal; the circumstances and stressors that usually bring that on haven't existed since moving in with Ifrit. Money is fine. Food is fine. There was a dumb banking mistake that I can probably fix, but if not, it's not the end of the world.

 

It's actually a big deal to me that I can say that with confidence. With Ifrit's guidance, I have Leveled UP on my financial skills majorly. I have more money in my savings than I did just three years ago. I'm on top of my loans instead of just managing the interest. Fuck, I'm going to a super-fancy steak place on Monday because it's my birthday and I want some gorram high-end steak.

 

I guess that's part of the scariness. Here I am, about to turn 31, having just come out of a transformative, uplifting experience, and these thoughts spring into my head from just a trigger. (2 second sidebar: this is why the casual usage of 'trigger warnings' bothers the fuck out of me. I was actually triggered into self-harming thoughts and a desire for action when those emotions have NOT been present in months. The association gave my mental illness something to focus on, and those thoughts leapt right into action.) I'm really, really happy with my life right now. I'm figuring out what's important to me, where I spend my time and money, how best to take care of Ifrit without running myself down. When and where to have adventures, because this idea of 'Experiences Not Things' has really begun to sunk in. How to feed myself with love and not just obligation or boredom.

 

It scares me that those big, ugly, spiraling, obsessive, frightening thoughts just tried to jump into the driver's seat.

 

But you know what? I'm actually really, really proud of myself for looking that Monster in the eye, kissing it on the nose, basically saying "Yes you're big and scary but I'm not interested right now" and retreating to my Fortress of Safety and Stuffed Animals. (We keep a Chesire Cat and a Bolt in the basement. FITE ME M8.)

 

I went through all the steps for anxiety-soothing. I reached out to another person as soon as I knew they were available. (If he were on, I would've called my dad and let him BS about sports. Papa can't handle the depression stuff as much. It scares his Parental Side too much.) I created a plan to remove the trigger and ensure I would be safe, versus maybe going 'Lala it won't happen again I'll be fine'.

 

Today, a scary thing happened. Today, I got triggered. I faced it, handled all of the emotions and panic in a (let's be honest) amazingly calm way, and protected myself. I feel like there are still some emotional oogies waiting to be dug up, and I'll try to pick a time to do so, like I said.

 

 

[Merrin]

In happier news, almost every single resident coming in tonight has complimented my hair. I literally just washed it and ran out the door. I don't often rock my natural curls, but my new haircut has somehow tamed them. So, lots of random compliments has been really nice.

[Merrin]

I also just had a rowdy group of people offer to get me pizza. And then called me the wrong name whilst singing my praises. Sigh.

[maegs]

11 hours ago, Merrin said:

Today, a scary thing happened. Today, I got triggered. I faced it, handled all of the emotions and panic in a (let's be honest) amazingly calm way, and protected myself. I feel like there are still some emotional oogies waiting to be dug up, and I'll try to pick a time to do so, like I said.

That is scary, but it sounds like you handled it in a very good way by already having a plan in place of what to do and who to call. Ifrit sounds super supportive, and retreating to a Fortress of Safety and Stuffed Animals sounds good to me  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Super well done on taking care of yourself. I'm so impressed by how you kept yourself safe and did what you needed to do. I love the kiss-on-the-nose-I'm-not-interested analogy as well, that is super powerful. You are awesome and strong.

[Merrin]

2 hours ago, maegs said:

That is scary, but it sounds like you handled it in a very good way by already having a plan in place of what to do and who to call. Ifrit sounds super supportive, and retreating to a Fortress of Safety and Stuffed Animals sounds good to me  

 

Ifrit has been the best support system ever. He gets my anxiety and knows how to help me deal.

 

21 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Super well done on taking care of yourself. I'm so impressed by how you kept yourself safe and did what you needed to do. I love the kiss-on-the-nose-I'm-not-interested analogy as well, that is super powerful. You are awesome and strong.

 

It's something I got from Amy Clover, that metaphor, and this is the first time I've used it. Thank you.

[Merrin]

Dammit, Clover: With the exception of yesterday's unexpected self-reflection, I do have another thing kicking about in my head right now. It got linked to the Facebook NF group as well, but I have followed Elizabeth Gilbert for a while. She recently wrote that a friend had said, "I am tired of being good. Now I only want to be free."

 

I realized that I had been experiencing this exact notion in several different expressions over the last handful of months. When it was Tanabata Festival, I did not have time to visit a wishing tree downtown, but I remember thinking, "I wish to be free." It was an undercurrent of the emotions from the divorce, for certain. "I wish to be free." I have been gently looking at what that feels like. If I am free, I am not bound to social agreements which may harm me, or at worst, no longer service me. I have to look at a friendship right now, and evaluate that person. Do I feel free to be myself around them? Do they contribute to a sense of freedom for me? Or is this a friendship holding me in place, because I'm too concerned with being 'good'? A 'good' person would not end or disrupt an eight-year friendship for what may be perceived as petty complaints. But I need friendships where we engage with each other, where we tell stories and open up and become truly interested in one another. I don't need a friendship where I invite this person into my home, cook for them, prepare to share one of my favorite shows with them...and end up watching them watch their phone almost the entire evening. I don't want to be cruel to this person, but...seriously?

 

If I am free, and not just 'good', I can stick up for myself and my safety. I recently learned that Ifrit's friend absolutely violated my space by going through my bathroom cabinet and drawers. How do I know? She made a telling comment on one of my menses products, when she had NOT asked to look for any such things. She had no right to snoop. I have not confronted her yet, but she has also not been to the house in a couple of weeks. I find I'm perfectly okay with this. A 'good' person might approach this delicately, like an innocent mistake, but that feels dishonorable to myself and to my privacy. It feels like condoning the action, and I don't like that.

 

I'm done trying to be good. What does it look like if I'm free? Not out of a sense of hurting, offending, or neglecting anyone, but no longer feeling limited by what the actions of a 'good' person 'should' do.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That's some good headspace you just described. Just remember, good and nice are independant variables. People often conflate good with non-confrontational, when in fact Good is willing to confront problems.

[Merrin]

Agh, yes, that's a really good point. It's funny, thinking over this made me realize I'm probably shifting myself from Chaotic Good to Chaotic Neutral. I don't know if that's abandoning the idea of confronting issues, but perhaps being willing to let there be a zero outcome. Hmm...

[Mrs Van]

Being good and especially a good friend, does not mean you have to take the nonsense other people throw over your path. I'm also learning that slowly but surely. You have to take into consideration what will work for you too, not just them. Every relationship, whether platonic, romantic, familial is a give and take situation. I so understand you wanting to be free.

[Merrin]

Camp Cooking: had cold sriracha-ketcup bacon-egg cups for lunch last night. It'll be the same for tonight. They were a failed experiment but they're not the worst thing.

 

The last three nights were all fairly decadent, maybe not camp-friendly food. Monday night was steak with foie gras butter, lobster tail, and truffle oil mac and cheese. And a bottle of amazing Chilean wine, because Ifrit knows good things about alcohol and food. And then there was clover honey cheesecake. I regret nothing. Tuesday my mom and I went to the bar, which had really good deviled eggs and salmon belly tacos. I could've done worse. Last night was pumpkin mascarpone ravioli, candied bacon bruschetta, and tiramisu. They also sent me home with a free dish of angel hair pasta. I haven't had so much carbs in daaaays.

 

Body Movin': Pupper is here! Did stretches as we played 'no take only throw'. Her leash isn't here so I can't walk her to the park, but we can run around enough in the yard. 

[NeverThatBored]

15 hours ago, Merrin said:

Monday night was steak with foie gras butter, lobster tail, and truffle oil mac and cheese. And a bottle of amazing Chilean wine, because Ifrit knows good things about alcohol and food. And then there was clover honey cheesecake. I regret nothing. Tuesday my mom and I went to the bar, which had really good deviled eggs and salmon belly tacos. I could've done worse. Last night was pumpkin mascarpone ravioli, candied bacon bruschetta, and tiramisu. They also sent me home with a free dish of angel hair pasta. I haven't had so much carbs in daaaays.

 

 

Yummmmmm

[Merrin]

I slept 11 hours today. Could've slept more. Feels like depression, but very un-anchored. Maybe I did it to myself by allowing a change of plans last night that wasn't what I really wanted to do. (Rented a movie instead of going to game night.) Maybe it's because I stuffed my face with snacks and now I'm feeling judgmental. I don't know what I feel right now, and that's a pretty big banner for a depressive episode: that wash of nothingness. Boxing? Meh. Cooking? Don't have to for tonight. Meditation? Don't want to bother trying because a friend is in the garage using some mechanics tools. 

 

I guess I'll just cuddle the puppy.

[Teros]

On 10/2/2016 at 1:51 AM, Merrin said:

Why did these thoughts come up so immediately, on what has been the afterglow of one of the best weeks of my life? I really am not sure.

 

Counter-guilt.

 

I've had the same thing happen to me, where everything seems to be going perfect and THEN is why my brain says, '*psst* let's fuck things up royally right now, like, for no fucking reason!'

 

For me at least, the nexus of this is because deep down, like DEEP DEEP DOWN; part of me is so used to being a fuck-up that when everything is going right, my brain needs to make it wrong to be 'comfortable'.