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Merrin: I Am A Fucking Magical Girl


Merrin

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4 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

Counter-guilt.

 

I've had the same thing happen to me, where everything seems to be going perfect and THEN is why my brain says, '*psst* let's fuck things up royally right now, like, for no fucking reason!'

 

For me at least, the nexus of this is because deep down, like DEEP DEEP DOWN; part of me is so used to being a fuck-up that when everything is going right, my brain needs to make it wrong to be 'comfortable'.

 

 

 

Fuck, that's a great fucking name for it. I absolutely agree. That itch to ruin all the good things happening feels familiar, it's returning to that supposed state of 'comfortable'. Ugh.

 

Thank you for throwing some understanding at this.

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

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15 hours ago, elizevdmerwe said:

Awesome! And puppies have so much energy!

 

I got up yesterday morning and all she did was want to play what I like to call 'get the butt' for like an hour, which is just a lot of chasing and dog-wrasslin'. It was good to have her around when things went south.

 

Camp Cooking: doing fruit last three days for breakfast. Last night and tonight are leftover angel hair with veggies.

 

Body Movin: Staying pretty regular with my shoulders because I notice if I don't. Need to work on hips, it feels like the cold weather made everything tighten up a bit.

 

Deku Tree: Gonna go sit outside with the puppy before I leave for work tonight. 

 

Dammit Clover: I have a new tear-out-able journal to take with me to work. Things stay quiet between 1 and 5 am, so I've got a good window to try to poke at my depression from yesterday.

 

It helped to sit up and have tea and cuddles with Ifrit before he left for work this morning. The opposite days/graves we have really isn't that bad; we can make time in the mornings and stuff, and I got to talk a few things out. And also yadda yadda yadda.

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Camp Cooking: had fruit for breakfast. Prepped salad for dinner on overnight shift. All thanks to making myself get groceries morning before last when I had the car.

 

Body Movin: did my semi-usual 'dancing about while getting ready' routine. Walked the garage just a little bit. My knee gave out yesterday.

 

Deku Tree: day before last, sat outside for maybe an hour? However long it took for the sun to go down from what had been a really warm afternoon. I didn't quite meditate, as I don't often reach the 'empty your mind' state, but let some stuff actively cogitate.

 

Killing Sentries: We have a wood log to mount against the far wall that will serve for a good target for many months. Just need some sort of bracket.

 

Dammit Clover: I wonder if maybe I should use my battle log for these sorts of things in the future. But for now...

 

Spoiler

Ifrit and I have begun to entertain the idea of getting the heck out of Denver. I've been here my whole life and I'm a bit bored of the snow and the smog and the social politics. Someone on another thread asked if it would help me to move cities to get me away from Beast. At the time, that sounded a bit far-fetched, but now it's not so bad. Why move to just another city, tho? Thanks to the legalization, housing around here has not been good. We could pay what we've got now (a 2/4nc bedroom and 1.5 bath) for maybe half that amount if we move south or east at all.

 

So, I've been trying to look at houses in a couple of states with a lower cost of living overall, and it seems to be slowly creating either a sense of impeding panic and doom, or a soul-shrinking, hopeless malaise.

 

What if neither of us can find good jobs? That depends on what you mean by good.

Okay, what about decent jobs? Define decent.

Okay, well-paying jobs so that we can afford the size of the house we want. The down payment is supposed to reduce the rent you'll owe. That's the plan.

What if the house takes forever to sell? So don't quit your jobs until it does.

What if we can't find something in the new city for a long time? Are you planning on going there with absolutely nothing you want to buy?

Well, no. That's why I'm doing research. But what if the new housing doesn't approve us? There are going to be other places to live.

But what if we're living in boxes for weeks in a hotel? First of all, I'm pretty sure your boxes would go to a storage container if you didn't move anywhere yet. Secondly, you've lived for much longer than weeks in a worse surrounding than a hotel.

But what if Ifrit hates all the places I tried to pick out? Except for the fact that you have very open parameters to shop with, and you have similar tastes. And you haven't tried to look together yet.

What if the new place totally sucks and I can't make any friends? Did you or did you not make thirty new friends at camp?

 

What if I'm doing this all on my own and Ifrit can't help because he's injured? So ask for help. Work together for things he can do to help with the move, if that's packing or listing furniture to get rid of or researching long-haul moving companies. I really doubt he'd let you do all the work one way or another.

 

And that's part of the bigger core of it: that fear of doing all this work and being the only one to really 'make' the move happen. I am the only reason my apartment was packed in time when our financing expired and they wouldn't renew it. I was the one packing up all the media weeks in advance, hunting stores for boxes, packing up serving ware in towels. Beast was nonplussed and did very little, yet was annoyed at my stress levels. When I was preparing to move in with Ifrit, I knew I wouldn't be taking any of the kitchen goods. I fucking reveled in the fact that days before the truck was due, Beast and Witch were frantically trying to get things together. I, my stack of boxes, and my mattress, felt quite smug.

 

I also have to realize there's a vein of anxiety in actually being given this choice, this opportunity to research like mad and narrow down my choices as fine as I wish. I had literally no input when I had to move in with Witch. I got to see the house once before we moved in. Once, and I was told, not asked, which would be my room. That was a big fucking load of ick. When Ifrit invited me to move in, he took me along to look over the house, once while it was furnished, and again when it was empty. And he asked me how we should repaint the front room. And he asked me which corner of the house I wanted.

 

So, I guess panic and overwhelm from this information is part of it. It actually feels nice, if I try to let myself look at it the right way. Before I even began scootering, I looked up legal cc limits in my state, plate and rider requirements, insurance, models, financing, I literally did a few months of homework just for a new vehicle.

 

Maybe realizing I'll have a few months+ in homework for a house feels scary. But I want to really love wherever it is we move. I don't want it to feel like a shoebox. I don't want either of us to have to invest any physical effort and additional money to fix anything major (looking at you, Maine, heezy creezy y'all got some questionable interior design). I want it to have enough space for both of us to enjoy our hobbies (and it's fortunate for Ifrit's wine-making that several old houses I've looked at have super creepy yet useful basements).

 

I just have all this weird keyed-up energy and I don't know what to do with it just yet.

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

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Would it help if you looked at places where you already know people (ie the thirty new friends from camp)? Then you'd have someone who could provide advice on where to look for housing and jobs and such, but could also do things like introduce you to people when you arrive, so you're not starting 100% from scratch on that front either.

 

Also, from what you've said about Ifrit, I'm sure he would help out and work with you to make the move happen, if that's what you guys decide to do. Him and Beast sound nothing alike.

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5 hours ago, maegs said:

Would it help if you looked at places where you already know people (ie the thirty new friends from camp)? Then you'd have someone who could provide advice on where to look for housing and jobs and such, but could also do things like introduce you to people when you arrive, so you're not starting 100% from scratch on that front either.

 

Also, from what you've said about Ifrit, I'm sure he would help out and work with you to make the move happen, if that's what you guys decide to do. Him and Beast sound nothing alike.

My thoughts too.

Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

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On ‎10‎/‎16‎/‎2016 at 6:06 PM, maegs said:

Would it help if you looked at places where you already know people (ie the thirty new friends from camp)? Then you'd have someone who could provide advice on where to look for housing and jobs and such, but could also do things like introduce you to people when you arrive, so you're not starting 100% from scratch on that front either.

 

Also, from what you've said about Ifrit, I'm sure he would help out and work with you to make the move happen, if that's what you guys decide to do. Him and Beast sound nothing alike.

 

I think it would, and when it gets closer to that time, I'll see for sure who I know where and ask them their best/worst lists for their city. And also have a new social connection to the area for sure.

 

I could not have dated two more dissimilar people.

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

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I should have scaled back my goals even further after camp. They felt lofty but I felt motivated. I didn't expect to have crud and then camp drop as well. 

 

Camp-Style Cooking: Guessing 60% success rate. Packing food for work is easy to stay on track. I get a bit lazier at home, but still not horrible. Working on eliminating most dairy from my diet, so I doubt I would enjoy keto again without that, but I may try stricter paleo stuff. 

 

Smashing Boards: 0% success rate. Ugh. I need to make myself go to a class so I can really see if this stuff fits me. 

 

Deku Tree: I did waste several good days right at the warm start of fall, and more sad is me. I aimed for this only three times a week, and it happened at least that much, on average, both in making myself go outside, and in going outside with Ifrit at times. I need a new place to meditate, because it's too cold out now. Maybe I will do something weird to the back room. Maybe I will adapt this to the Saturn goal of having thirty quiet minutes a day, and that could also be sitting quietly in the Plushie Pile with tea. Overall 90% success rate. . 

 

Dammit Clover: Unofficial goal which led to some good writing, and the beginning of using a distraction/coping method I learned from camp. N/A success rate.

 

Body Movin': I'd estimate one of three activities was done each day for at least four-five days each week. Meaning I got in walking at work and trying to do enough stretches and dancing around as a fun thing and not just an anxiety coping method. Estimate 70% success.

 

Killing Sentries: Goal incomplete. Range still to be built. It feels like his main bow might be too heavy for me, the other one is is the basement.

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Epic Quest!

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15 hours ago, maegs said:

 

What about an aerobics-style kickboxing class? Most gyms have one and they're lots of fun :) 

 

I am unsure of any gyms or 24HrFit near me, but there is a martial arts studio that offers 'combat kickboxing'. I'm going to call them tomorrow and ask about a drop-in policy or if I need to sign up official-like.

 

I do recognize that I am reluctant to do this because I bailed on the last fitness thing where I spent money. I am aware of the sunk cost fallacy, and in between injuring myself once in that class and also just not really liking everything, I bailed. I wasn't enjoying it and I had already spent the money, so I needed to not waste the time.

 

What if the next class is another waste of time? You won't know until you go.

Well then that's also a waste of money isn't it? Sure, but no more than you might 'waste' on other things.

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Battle Log

Epic Quest!

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3 hours ago, Merrin said:

What if the next class is another waste of time? You won't know until you go.

Well then that's also a waste of money isn't it? Sure, but no more than you might 'waste' on other things.

Not sure about this, but from everything I've read on other threads, most of these gyms/martial arts classes places give at least one free session so that you can see whether you like it or not. So maybe phone and ask them whether they offer this "service". If they do, then try it. Nothing wasted and it was an experience earned. If they don't then maybe ask if you can at least sit in and watch to see whether you would like it, as it is a lot of money that you have to spend.

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Mrs. Van's Latest Challenge

 

Zechariah 4:6

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit, saith the Lord."

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On 10/24/2016 at 9:37 AM, elizevdmerwe said:

Not sure about this, but from everything I've read on other threads, most of these gyms/martial arts classes places give at least one free session so that you can see whether you like it or not. So maybe phone and ask them whether they offer this "service". If they do, then try it. Nothing wasted and it was an experience earned. If they don't then maybe ask if you can at least sit in and watch to see whether you would like it, as it is a lot of money that you have to spend.

 

^ This has been my experience too. Also, a lot of places will have shorter membership terms or drop in rates, so you can try it out for a little bit without committing a huge amount of money.

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Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

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