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The Indestructible Man - Teros XXVII


Teros

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*waves timidly*

 

Hey.  I've had a really bumpy time.  I was saying that it was because of school for the past few months.  I've (privately) said that it was because of NF new policies and not feeling at home here anymore.  I've said before school that it was because I was doing Project Phoenix.  I've said that before Project Phoenix and it was because my ex was still living with me and I was in a monumental depression.  Well it goes back.

 

To November 15th, 2014.

 

I usually have some sort of vague idea of what I'm going to write about when I do these ramblings of a madman. I don't this time.  I figure if I start then I'll create a 'theme' that my brain needs to write about.  I usually need a focus. 

 

The lead-up to Fenway's Spartan race had me running on fumes when I was on NF.  I was socializing on here and checking up on people - and it was eating up every single ounce of my time.  To the point that I tracked how long I was on the forums and it was more than 8 hours a day, every single day, for god knows how many months.  I had burnout before Fenway even started.  http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/preventing-burnout.htm

 

After Fenway, drama struck when I finally told someone that I loved them and I completely meant it.  She was the first person that I thought about growing old with.  She was the first person that I wanted to start a family with truly.  The first time I fell madly in love with someone and I was a few months from turning 30 years old.

 

Right after, I knew that I wasn't going to be happy in my emotionally abusive enmeshed relationship. 

 

--

 

But wait,  I need to go further back as I've figured out my 'theme' here. I wish I was able to tell a story without going around the moon twice to get to the point but my mind doesn't work that way.

 

I have Asperger's syndrome.  High-functioning Autism. There, I fucking said it.  I have a degree in psychology, I have a DSM, and I've spent my entire fucking life being involved with learning about the brain and the processing of how I think.  It's been a life-long obsession to 'get it' when it comes to me and learning about other people.  I've needed to know what is different between NT's (Neurotypical - 'normal') and myself.

 

You're born with this. It's Nature in the Nature(VS)Nurture debate.  It is characterized as being an extreme 'male-ness' pattern of the brain thinking.  A key difference between Autism and Asperger's syndrome is the variance.  It's been likened to a 'touch' of Autism.  As such, being closed off and talking to people is not a *guarantee* for ASDs (shorthand that I'll use from now on to mention Autism/Aspergers.)

 

When I was in 1st grade, I was treated like shit.  I felt abandoned.  I've written about this multiple time before so I'll spare a lot of details and just say that I was punished by a teacher every single day because she would pick one child out to be an 'example' to scare all the other children. I was that child.  Combine this with being beaten up, slammed into a brick wall, spat on, name-called; and everything else, it scarred me. More than I wish was actually possible.  I actually, in a deep recess of my mind, feel guilty that this crushed me so bad.  I know people that have been sexually assaulted, people with other disorders from far 'worse' things than what I went through.  However, it's not like we get to pick and choose how our body reacts.

 

Now, I have likened this experience as having the child inside me die.  I didn't know how else to explain it.  I always felt empty.  Lost. Alone.  And with being only about 5 years old, I don't have memories prior to these events.  The furthest back memory I can recall is my eyesight going black when I was thrown into a brick wall.  Also leaning against a wall, knees to my chin, crying while Ben yelled that I needed to get back to class and me telling him I didn't care.  Having my brand new red and black jacket ripped to shreds by bullies.  Hiding under the bench in the principal's office, covered in dust and watching a spider crawl along the corner of the bench: all because I didn't want to be punished anymore.  Those are the oldest memories I can recall.  Something else I would like to note: I felt like I was of two minds.  That there was a lot of black and white thinking in my brain.  And somewhere in the back of my brain kicked around the thought that I felt I had multiple personalities because of this.

 

After the drama in that year, I was brought to catholic school; where I was taught how 'evil' people are and a lovely sense of perfectionism took hold (Let's also add my mom's perfectionism and how I'm never good enough when compared to my sister).

 

Compile this with another 7 years of bullying and I had ballooned up to 240 pounds before I hit age 13 and started high-school.  I also had plenty of background knowledge from my catholic classes - like how condoms are only 4% effective, making pregnancy and STDs a near-guarantee.  I was therefore terrified of doing anything with a woman.  (Also, Autism fun with social awkwardness / socializing issues).

 

High school started and I get to make jumps ahead in the story because I know my 'theme' that I'm running with in this post.  Throughout high school, the feeling of emptiness and loneliness were there along with my anxiety and depression.  With hormones, most people have an emotional clusterfuck.  I ate until I was in extreme pain, and I played videogames for escapism.  I still felt like I was two different people or ideologies that clashed in this 'host body' that was getting fatter and grosser every single day.  But with videogames, I had a channel:  I was able to give one of the personalities a name. 

 

Teros

 

You can see that's my name on here. Once there was an actual name tied to a personality, things started to click.  There was a war in my brain between the ideal self (Teros) and the current self (Mike).  I'm well aware that all of this sounds crazy but you need to go down the rabbit hole to understand someone.  I don't ever talk about this but it used to happen quite a bit where as a teenager, I would feel like as I was walking and not moving at the same time.  It was a feeling of a cross between De ja vu and an out of body experience.  I've felt like I was somehow dead and feeling like I just walking with a separate personality.  It's extremely hard to explain.  To be completely honest, it scared the shit out of me when it happened and I never wanted to remember that it did happen.  But it did.  It's something I've known but purposely never choose to focus on when I think.  Just like I actively don't think about when I would hold a steak knife up to my stomach in the kitchen because I debated cutting fat off of my body and using some sanitary wipes and a sewing kit to act as stitches.  Just like I actively don't think about how I would imagine jumping down my stairs and trying to land on my neck so I would instantly die - and I could imagine seeing my own lifeless body crumpled at the foot of the stairs, staring up at me with my own dead eyes.

 

I really, really, try not to dwell about these things.  I sort of just let them happen in my brain and then continue on with thinking of other things.

 

 

At 17/Senior year of high school, I was 280 pounds and there was a girl that I thought was cute.  I tried talking to her and I was terrible at it.  I was always more comfortable behind a keyboard where my hands were as fast as my brain.  In person, I act like I have some sort of terrible internet connection lag because my mouth doesn't keep up with my thoughts; resulting in tons of 'eh, uhm, uh, well' and a plethora of grunts and glances.  My mind would flat out blank itself when in mid-sentence a lot of times.  In my head, with my mouth closed; thousands of gears are working but that comes to a screeching halt when I try to talk.  Anyways, because my crippling lonliness overrode my terror of talking, I stuttered my way into getting this person's screenname on AOL instant messenger.  She had a b/f long distance and talked to him through AOL as well. One day, I was talking to her and she was talking to him as well. They got into a fight. I asked her for his screenname.  I talked to him and he said after some back and forth: 'You want her? Fine. Take her. I don't give a shit. She's not worth it.'  I relayed the information and she asked, 'So are we dating?'  I said, 'I guess?'

 

Match made in Heaven, guys and gals.

 

 

 Let me sum up the next 12 years of my life:

 

Gaslighting, willful ignorance, neglect, and rejection.

 

Because I was so terrified of being abandoned, I stayed in this toxic enmeshed relationship that I was miserable living in.  If I wrote a book, there would be a solid 2 chapters dedicated to this point in my life where I would fine-craft this and paint in vivid detail but if I write it now here:

 

Image result for if you're good at something never do it for free

 

The point here was that I hated her, hated myself, hated my life and every single thing in it. Then, let's have a flood!

 

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After this flood, I lost a lot of my stuff.  I needed to take inventory and with that, I found my old journal that I printed out (because I've always typed better than I write. I write like a 100-year old doctor with crippling arthritis.)  At this point in my life, I figured I had been miserable a while, ya know?  I open up the journal and read the 30 or so solid pages.

 

I've been miserable, lost, depressed, anxious, and alone my entire life.  I spoke of how for years prior, I felt all of these things. And this was me back when I was 12 writing this.  Repressed memories of how I used to live flooded back to me and I knew that I wasn't bullshitting myself.  If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's honesty. Brutal fucking honesty.  It was a massive wake-up call.  About a year later, I found NF and I started to have a support system.  And with that, I start fixing the fact that I was 360 pounds by this point.  My at-the-time g/f didn't care about this website after she tried it for one challenge.  I felt like I found a home.  I felt like I found a family.  I started doing pushups against the wall. Then pushups on a desk ledge. Then pushups on a tractor tire that I took. I built a home gym with sandjugs for weights, homemade kettelbells, and more.  This was the FIRST time that I did not feel that crippling loneliness and emptiness that had plagued me for as long as I had memories in my brain.

 

With enough support from people cheering me on, I started to heal and feel better about myself; which then lead me to embracing the 'other' personality that I felt I was: Teros.  Time kept ticking and I kept improving.

 

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A few months before November 15th, 2014; I started talking to a person on here. Someone that I became very close to. And I'm just about caught up to the beginning of this post.  This woman I became good friends and then best friends.  I cared about her a lot. She was in a relationship but I wasn't trying to *do* anything besides make friends.  I still felt a hole in my heart. Support and talking to a group of friends on here was able to repair some of it, as was having more confidence in myself; but I still didn't feel 'whole' yet.  She made me feel whole.  And that's when there was trouble.

 

I have a.... I don't even know of a word to describe how severe this is.  Crippling?  Psychotic? Obsessive? Life-depending?  I have a colossal fear of abandonment.  It's why I was in the relationship as long as I was.  I have this need and it wasn't being fulfilled - had not been for years and years with my relationship.  *She* was the cure. This abandonment can even happen with what I call 'fringe-friends' - people that I've known for a long time but don't consider an actual friend; but more than an acquaintance.  Whenever I try to make plans with people and they ignore me, I hate them with a passion.  I just want the curtsy to let me know that plans aren't happening. 

 

My horribly distorted image of myself wasn't as bad by this time, although it was still there.  Also, whenever something extremely stressful happened; this seemed to show up first.  When dealing with this woman, everything felt right. This was the feeling that I had wanted for 12 years when I was with my g/f and I never got.  As such, once Fenway Spartan/November 15th was rolling around; I had invested in NF heavily.  I put in the ridiculous hours and been able to have a solid group of friends.  It came with a price though - that's all I was doing.  Let's consider something called 'void-filling' an addiction, shall we?

 

Some people fill the void they have with drinking. Alcoholic.

Some people fill the void they have with food.  Binge-eater.

Some people fill the void they have with games. Gameaholic.

Some people fill the void they have with sex. Sexaholic.

Drugs, Shopping, etc.  You get my point.

 

My void was MASSIVE.  Because of how I had always felt in life, combined with my introspective nature; nothing really was enough to fill that void.  Meaning like any addiction, time on NF was fulfilling that need at the neglect of doing anything else in my life.  Now, I had nothing else in my life.  You can see how that's a problem.  What I used to use to fill that impossible emptiness was food and games.  That's why I was 360 pounds.  My addiction became NF to try and feel 'normal'.  The normal that I always wished I was.  Maybe being 'Teros', I can fix myself and fix that void.  And.... Her.  That makes me feel like I matter. That makes me feel like I'm cared about.  That's all I want - a fucking hug and to know that I'm not alone. To have someone miss me like I miss them.  This was it, right here, finally!

 

I ended my relationship. It had been long dead and she was too oblivious to know it, despite all my pleas and compromises and all of her broken promises and neglect.  I was burnt out on NF by Fenway.  And the rest is history:  Things with Her fell apart.  I let my ex live with me for 9 months and she made my life a living hell.  The week she moved out, I took 95% of everything I own and I broke and burned it all. I swore that I would never bend over backwards for anyone else.  I also swore off trying to pursue any woman again as it lead to pain and abandonment.

 

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I burned so much of it away...

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I was burnt out and still did post on here. School started and all my energy went to that.  Then the summer hit and I have summer classes. Then this fall I have more classes.

 

Now, over the course of the year; I swore that I would not 'deal' with women.  I thought to myself, 'just make friends and that's it. keep everyone at arm's length away.'

 

Well that didn't happen.  I'm fessing up to this.  At one point, I was "close" with up to 20 women; all at varying amounts of intimacy.  Some I felt were just friends.  A select few I felt were more than that.  It made what was going on in my brain even more of a mess. I purposely wanted a barrier here so I could heal myself. To fix things. And that didn't happen at all.  Emotions get in the way of progress for myself.  I didn't know what to do.  As certain people stopped talking, I took that as a sign.  If they don't want to talk to me more and pursue anything; then that is up to them.  My feelings waxed and waned.  I wanted to chase certain ones down but the rational side of me said to just let people go.  It was up to them.  I can handle myself (barely) at this time, nevermind try to force a relationship to happen.

 

This past weekend, I've been dealt a very very heavy blow in this regard.  Something that I honestly don't even know how to start talking about.  I'll only say that I'm crushed and confused.  I'll talk about it....eventually.

 

Now while this is going on, I have been talking to a friend of mine about psychology.  A topic came up that I thought was interesting and I started reading about it.  What I found has been eating away at me and is changing my entire outlook about who I am.

 

I pride myself on knowing who I am.  However, I admit that when I took all of my psychology classes; there was one disorder that I basically tossed away.  There was one that I turned a blind eye to that I never should have.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder.  I love abnormal psych and like I said at the start, I've had a need to understand Neurotypical people and myself.  How the mind works is an obsession of mine.  BPD never was 'interesting enough' for me to really look at and absorb.  But... I have it.

 

The reason it is called 'Borderline' is because it 'borders' along multiple other diagnoses and therefore can be falsely be diagnosed as something else.  It in and of itself is it's own separate entity.  After doing more research, I'm actually dreading that I'm writing about how I have it.

 

Telltale signs:

 

-Frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned by friends and family. Yes. I've talked about it this entire post and it's what drove me to that void.

 

-Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization—“I’m so in love!”—and devaluation—“I hate her.” This is also sometimes known as "splitting." Yes.  Another thing that I explained. My black+white thinking.

 

-Distorted and unstable self-image, which affects moods, values, opinions, goals and relationships. Yes.  Always been there as long as I can remember.

 

-Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving. No - and for good reason and that's ASD counteracting this spontaneity.
   

-Suicidal and self-harming behavior.   Yes, my entire life that I can remember.

 

-Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days. Yes, my entire life that I can remember.

 

-Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness. The biggest thing in my life, to be honest.  I don't find enjoyment in much of anything.  While that sounds like depression, there is a difference.  You can have both under the umbrella of 'apathy'.  Boredom and emptiness go hand in hand for me.


-Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger—often followed by shame and guilt. I don't know how to define 'uncontrollable'.  I mean, I've been frustrated millions of times but I've very rarely acted on it.  Plenty of times that I wanted to break things or hurt people but I didn't.  Dealing with my ex, I have the patience of a fucking SAINT.  I broke a videogame controller after being frustrated for hours and I picked up and broke a shitty wooden desk outside.  I also blacked out when I was younger when a bully made me snap.  I beat the shit out of him and didn't remember saying or doing anything.  Let's give this half credit?

 

-Dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity, or “out of body” type of feelings and stress-related paranoid thoughts The part I admitted to earlier in this post. Yes.  It's bizarre and nearly impossible to explain.  If feels as if you are shadow-stepping just a few inches away from yourself and you are hyper-aware of that fact you're walking down a hallway. 

 

Also for paranoia: My default feeling the majority of my life was I assume that everyone hates me for no reason.  I also utterly DESPISE sitting in the middle of a room, any room, with space behind me.  It's intertwined with trust.  I always feel there's something....looming. Watching.

 

Also to note: this is NURTURE in a Nature(VS)Nurture debate.  This is a created behavior.  It is also believe to be a very 'woman-ness' issue.  There is overlap here. ASD='man-ness' and Nature.  BPD='woman-ness' and Nurture.  But both have a great deal of overlap.

 

The more I write about myself; the more I realize I'm a complete fucking disaster.  So here's how it all went down, folks.  The bullet-points of me.

 

1-Born with ASD.  A 'touch' of Autism.

2-First grade and trauma/BPD starts.

3-The ASD 'version' and the BPD 'version' are now together: I feel like a split entity and I technically am inside my head. The extremes are there.

4-The ASD and BPD both are blanket terms that explain smaller issues, like that laundry list above; along with black+white thinking, social awkwardness, erratic nonverbal cues or being oblivious to nonverbal cues, etc.

5-All of this never gets healed, as I'm thrown into a situation with another bully, catholic shame/guilt, and feel alone and uncared about environment

6-There's a massive void that grows perpetually, like never cleaning out an infected sore and it started to expand and get worse

7-The void is filled by food (double duty as it creates shame/guilt/and also pain as I binge eat until I'm in extreme physical pain on a daily basis for 'punishing' myself - in much the same way one controls their emotional pain through cutting.) and games (to completely zone out and have a near-constant disassociation.  If I'm not doing homework, I'm playing a game for 9-10 hours per day.

8-Relationship starts and tries to fix the void. It fails miserably and issues get worse through neglect.

9-Repeating to connect with people ends in failure, leads to self-loathing and burying myself deeper and deeper every time I get close to someone and they abandon me.  Circular thought where I'm expecting abandonment happens, then hesitate to get close, am desperate to get close, get a little close and things seem fine, things get closer and closer  - then abandonment at the height of closeness.

10-Find NF, void quickly switches from food/games to socializing.

11-Burnout from neglect of anything else in life, since there IS nothing else in life at this point.

12-Fall in love. Abandonment. End relationship. Abandonment. Resentment.  Burn fucking everything.

13-Decide to stay away from people to try and heal and fix this emptiness/void issue.

14-Doesn't happen. Lots of attention in a short span. Emotions confusing.

15-People fading and feeling utter confusion and loss.  Don't know what to make of the void.

 

16: This is where I'm at.

 

I decided that to get any sort of enjoyment in life, I should, like, go and DO things.  I had been working on losing weight and have been successful with 115+ pounds lost so far. (You can clap if you want.)  Mentally, I've gone through a painful rollercoaster and to establish a new 'base' or a new 'normal'; my plan was to take stock in the 5% of shit that I didn't burn in that massive Project Phoenix fire.  I'm trying more to understand me and know who I am and what I want.  A part of the BPD/ASD clusterfuck is sense of identity.

 

So!  I decide at the tail-end of summer to start something I like to call:  BotM/GotM.  Book of the Month / Game of the Month.  I decide to read taboo books and I have a couple of ideas. I read Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom. I wrote a review in my last thread.  I also decide to play and beat Def Jam: Fight For New York.  I get both done. New month of September!  I decide to read -omitted since I'm writing a review this week- and finally beat Crackdown 2.  I do both.  I realize both were done pretty quickly so I look at what might be next.

 

I say to myself, 'Hey self, what's on the bookshelf?'  I look and see Dynasty Warriors 7.  I loved that game.  So did my ex.  I hold it in my hands and I feel...loss.  Part of me cringes inside as feeling empty makes me think that maybe I should talk to my ex.  I banish that thought.  I was miserable with her for 12 years.  I remember what I said to her as things were ending.  While in the car I said, "I would rather die alone than be stuck in this relationship."  I meant it.  I feel my eyebrows furrow as I stare at the game.  "I still do" I say under my breath.

 

I put the game in and I start playing a level.  I look at all the extra downloadable content we had bought for it.  I get through a 5 minute level and sit there in silence.  This doesn't feel right.  None of this feels right. I used to feel good doing this. It feels...corrupted now.  Dirty.  Disgusting.  It reminds me of one of the very few things that she actually fucking enjoyed.  I look at my personally built bookshelf again.

 

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I squint when looking at it and ask, 'Why?'  This used to make me happy.  Eating raw cookie dough used to make me happy but I don't do that anymore.  I don't bother with this stuff. I never open up and play a dvd.  I never bother with these games.  There's too much pain associated with it.

 

I start clawing things off of the bookshelf.

 

I decide that I'm going to judge these. All of these.  Because I need to.

 

I go through seasons. I fast forward shows.  I start piling up stacks of games and dvds.  I critique every single one of these things.  I look at the decoration stuff on the shelf.  Repeats of things. Things that I don't want.  Things that I have. Things with no value.

 

"This doesn't make me happy.  This makes me feel awful.  I'm a Grim Reaper.  I'm keeping mementos of painful things that happened in the past. Bittersweet memories that deep down I hate and never want to relive again.  What am I doing?"

 

I say it all out loud with utter confusion.

 

I gather dvds and games.  I flip them all over so I can't see what any of them are.  I start collecting boxes.  I count.  150 in total:

 

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Every movie or game that I feel has been corrupted. Ruined.

 

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I then make stacks of them and with a pair of gloves, I break every single one with my hands.  Some bend. Some shatter.  I never look at what it is: I merely pick it up and see the bottom and snap it.

 

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As I'm doing this about 3/4 through, I see a dvd that flips over in the pile called, "The Final Sacrifice".  I thought to myself that it would have been perfect if that was the last one I broke but alas, no.  I start wondering what the last one will be.  What could top THAT as the last name to be poetic to this purge?  Will it be a shitty horror movie? A game that I used to love?  A drama?  I get down to the final two.  I'm tempted and I break the next to last one.  I flip over the final one.  What could be the LAST one.

 

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The Indestructible Man

 

 

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Wow.  That'll do, Fate.  That'll do.  You win this round.

 

Through all my issues, anxieties, losses, jumble of emotions, betrayals, trust problems, and being an overall clusterfuck psycho; I managed to:

 

-Make friends

-Socialize

-Go to Camp NF

-Lose 115+ Pounds

-Survive my Master's Program with solid grades

-Do interval jogging

-Beat a Spartan Race

-End a toxic enmeshed emotionally abusive relationship

-Fall in love and lose that love

-Purge and destroy almost everything I hold dear to me

-Get my first piercing

-Get my first tattoo

-Fly on a plane which fucking terrified me

-Chop off my hair/beard and get a new style

-Do batman lessons

-Stay honest and true to myself and work on being the best person I can be

 

I've hesitated writing about any of this. For months. Maybe even years now.  I didn't put lots of pieces of this out into the public eye but I'm doing it now.  I admit it:  I need to be here.  I need to make new friends and connect with old ones.  I can't let it become an obsession, though.

 

With all of that, my challenge:

 

1) To post 10x per week. 5x for my own thread. 5x for other people.

2) Whole30 the rest of the challenge.  No exceptions barring having dinner with a friend of mine.

3) Walk 4x per week.

4) Stay on top of homework and get it done on Thursdays.  Thursday is homework day, damnit.

 

Reward:

 

New clothes and going to a "Druid Ceremony".  I'm getting out of my comfort zone and going to try something totally new and I know literally nothing about it.  I just know it's social and it's cheap and it's at the end of the challenge so FUCK IT. Let's go.  If there's only women with bees, I'm turning around and leaving.

 

 

 

 

I want to say to those that read this in it's entirety, old friends and new members - I love you all.  I used to say all the time that you get out what you put in for NF.  It still rings true.  I've had a ton of false-starts over these months (probably years) because I didn't know how to express everything I felt. As much as I write, I still hold back.  I felt I needed to do this first before... *looks away*  before I would feel like I deserved to come back.  So if you want to comment and talk to me (and also want me to check on your thread because honestly I don't know who the hell is ON this site anymore) then post a link to your thread, please. 

 

Thank you and have a good day.

 

From,

 

Teros, The Indestructible Man

 

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Hey, Teros. I was an Adventurer when I first started here on NF, and yours was one of the stories that really moved me. I can't imagine ridding myself of 90% of the things that I own. I can't imagine doing so a second time, with all those movies and games. I do, however, know the satisfaction and the release that it brings. I'm still working through the pain of my divorce in chunks and little odd painful moments. I smashed the very first Valentine's present he ever gave me. I smashed it over and over until there wasn't one piece left larger than a finger. I burned clothing from him, and the smoke smelled terrible, and I fucking reveled in it, like I knew there was toxic energy in that shit, and I was letting it go. 

 

It sucks so much to have things get 'ruined' by a relationship. There are several movies and games I have now that I hate, but I haven't gotten rid of them...yet. Clothes, still, that made me feel uncomfortable but he insisted on when we would go out. Like I was a dress-up accessory. I hacked off a third of my hair (side shave) because he always wanted me to keep my hair long. And I got to say FUCK THAT. 

 

You are so fucking real and raw and honest in all of this. I have no idea how hard it might be to go over your story in such fine detail, to some total strangers. I know at times I have felt 'sucked dry' by feeling like I HAVE to engage with all the Nerds and do forum posts and yadda yadda. It wouldn't always feel like I got back what I put in, so I think it's great that you examined that and knew to take a step back, and do such things in moderation.

 

I'd appreciate you popping into my thread, even tho I'm a Ranger now. (IDK if it matters, we're all nerds, Class is just the stuff you focus on, I guess?) I don't write about my depression, but I could, because having a sounding board on the internet again will probably help. (I miss Livejournal.) 

 

You've risen from the ashes as a Phoenix. Now, the Universe wants you to know you are Indestructible. With all you've gone through, I think the Universe is right. Keep with it, man. You've got this. 

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Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

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Battle Log

Epic Quest!

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Ive been away WAY too long. I remember you being in an unhappy relationship, but apparently a LOT has happened since then. Sounds like you've been to hell and back, but you've got a better understanding of yourself and what you want from life. 

 

Looking forward to seeing how things unfold for you.

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HappyCat

Race: Khajit Herder Class: Adventurer

 

HappyCat's Battle Log

Current Challenge: HappyCat Takes It Up A Notch 

Past Challenges: 1 2   

Accountablilibuddies:  Walking to Mordor and Back Again

 

Where else to find me: My Fitness Pal  Fitbit Habitica

 

My life is basically a whole pile of 'It seemed like a good idea at the time' thrown together

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*Teacher thinks:* "Teehee. He made some good points. I'll ask him some totally non-pandora's box questions to show that I read what he wrote.  I'm a teacher and I'm sure I can offer something insightful for him to think about and totally won't actually respond because these aren't mandatory questions! :P "

 

*Teacher writes: *

"Mike,

You do a very nice job in your reflection of identifying and complicating/debunking some of the most pervasive myths about people experiencing homelessness (that they are lazy, drug-addicted, freeloaders, criminals, etc.). I particularly like the way you emphasize the cyclical and compounding nature of homelessness and poverty: the “chicken and the egg” of substance use and homelessness, and the way that a “small” issue (like getting a speeding ticket or losing a job) can rapidly snowball in a way that is very difficult to undo. How do you see trauma and societal stigma (and the internalization of that stigma) as playing into the patterns you identify?

It is also clear from your writing that you have strong reactions toward people who pass judgement without thinking about these things critically, as you have. Have you found ways to make inroads with people who truly believe these myths, like the acquaintance you quote?

Thanks for sharing this."

*Teros reads.  Teros squints.  Teros writes:*

 

I figured I would answer these.

 

"How do you see trauma and societal stigma (and the internalization of that stigma) as playing into the patterns you identify?"

 

Well the patterns that I see are how environmental influences can cause the issue of homelessness; and then those issues can compound.  At any case in the following example, you can add 'generalized anxiety disorder', 'depression', 'need for vital medication', 'deteriorating health', and more for traumas that could occur through this cycle:

 

For example, my friend *omitted*.  I didn't feel like I should bring this up in class when the class discussion was about experience with homelessness.  My best friend *omitted* has a pattern that keeps reoccurring.  He will get a job and work hard at that job.  Then he will see that he has a decent amount of money saved up to afford a place for himself.  Then he will buy a ton of items and rent them through Rent-A-Center.  That will get added to the rest of his bills.  Because he wants more things, he works more hours- clocking in overtime at whatever job he is working.  Then he affords the rest of the things he wants, but he has no nest egg whatsoever.  There is no safety net for him.  So let's say the washer or dryer breaks or maybe he needs to fix something with his car; this will start the spiraling money effect.  He will need to pay for the car so he neglects the cell phone bill.  Then he gets behind on payments for the phone and will get charged an extra fee.  So then he tries to work even more hours to his already stretched overtime.  He ends up having something else fall apart so then he misses his payment for Rent-A-Center.  He starts to get desperate.  Rather then re-budget and get rid of some things at the start of this cycle, he tries to hoard everything that he has. This only makes things worse as interest compounds for multiple bills.  Then he needs to beg family/friends for money because if he misses X bill, then he loses Y item.  I've given him money in the past - a whole week's paycheck worth.  He still doesn't understand.  Eventually, the bills pile up and he can't handle it.  He goes into 'sell mode' where he sells his cell phone to someone for a fraction of the price. Returns all the stuff from Rent-A-Center. Sells his computer to a pawn shop. Whatever the circumstances.  He then will either sleep in his car (because he has an extremely strained relationship with his mother), or he'll suck it up and live with his dad, whose current wife hates him.  He would rather be homeless than get actual aid when he's in the worst need of it.  Eventually, he worked so many hours that he injures himself and then can't work.  He needs to go on unemployment and that's not enough to cover his expenses.  9/10 times, this will result in him losing his job.  He'll go back to eating beefaroni from a can, uncooked; just so he doesn't have to deal with people.  He's been ingrained in his life that 'men need to be tough and provide' so it's a massive blow to his ego when he eventually gives up and says he needs help.  Some time passes and he gets another job. He pays back all the loans and interest for the garbage that he bought the first time.  Then he has a little extra spending money.  The cycle starts again.

 

He never learns to create a safety net.  Rather than save and save and save; only affording the bare minimum of items until he has stockpiled something in case of emergency, he's too influenced by 'needing' a new iphone or 'needing' a 50 inch tv, or 'needing' a wrap-around couch for his new apartment that he can afford.  I'm the complete opposite of him.  I think that spending money on the majority of things that people buy is a waste of time and resources.  Instead I tend to hoard as much as possible.  I don't make much money where I work, which is why I still live with my family.  It's also why I want to get through this MSW program - because I want to be self-reliant and not be stuck with student debt.

 

I think that the overall problem is the environment 1-2 punch for society.  The first thing is being incredibly impulsive.  There is a rush in society to buy it right now.  That's why credit cards are so easy to get.  Society brainwashes people into thinking that they need tons of stuff but they actually don't.  It's been researched that people are the most depressed around and after Christmas and the reason is they have debt from gift-buying.  There's a purveying culture that owning 'stuff' makes you happy.  It also says that you should be looked down on if you don't own 'stuff'.  This creates a 'Keeping up with the Jones' mentality.  If your neighbor's lawn looks impeccable, so should yours. After all, you don't want to be 'that' neighbor that makes the street look like a slum and lowers the property value.  The buddy of yours just got a huge new flatscreen for the superbowl party and he gets to gloat about how he can afford it.  The fact of the matter is: he can't.  He can't afford that.  He put it on a credit card and is making minimum payments for years.  You can see where I'm going with this.  Overall, people are in a constant state of needing to have items to make them happy, for people to like them, to earn respect, etc.  I think it's pitiful.  I would much rather get through life without any debts hanging over my head and have barely more than a small little place to live, healthy food, health care, and a little bit of entertainment; rather than more 'stuff'.

 

This is part of an even bigger scam that is going on throughout the world:  saying a person is broken and then immediately offering the solution.  Look at those infomercials that have the crazed mother in a black and white video not able to fit a tupperware lid.  "Are you sick and tired of never being able to find the right lid?  Does it seem like no matter what, things never turn out right?  WELL INTRODUCING___"  This can be applied to the drug culture.  "Do you suffer from headaches, back pain, and fatigue?"  Yes.  I do.  I would assume that most people have general pains and stress.  But this drug can fix that and it can fix it now.  Ignore all the harmful side-effects that are probably worse than the reason you are taking the drug.  This problem is consistent where people are made to feel stigmatized, that they are not good enough, and then promising them the solution.  I could even apply this to politics and various other societal constructs (like dating, etc) but this response is probably already too long.  In a nutshell, society is controlled by those with money and those with money do not want to part with money.  Therefore, a whole host of stereotypes and stigmas are pervasive in culture to keep people blindly degrading themselves and each other to achieve happiness that is not found outside, but from within.

 

"Have you found ways to make inroads with people who truly believe these myths, like the acquaintance you quote?"

 

Considering the above response length, I'll keep this one brief.  I have not found a way to make inroads with people that believe these myths because I am one salmon swimming up a falling stream.  As stated in the above question, society hammers home that people think with stereotypes.  It is intellectually easier to believe in the Just World Theory, and to put people into labels and dismiss them without learning the actual facts.  This is why stereotypes exist in the first place.  (There is more variance within groups than between groups.)  Some people exhibit a behavior and then that becomes a blanket statement for everyone else.  There are ones that don't even make sense as they even contradict each other. Examples:

 

1) Old people are wise/have wisdom.

2) Old people are incapable of doing anything for themselves and are senile/can't remember anything.

 

Those contradict.  Another:

 

1) Mexicans are lazy.

2) Mexicans are stealing all our jobs.

 

Please tell me how a Mexican can be lazy and also work hard at the same time.

 

Stereotypes exist on the whole in culture because there were enough of that group to justify the label (at some point in history) and it has stuck ever since.  Rather than reevaluate that, or to look at people without labels; society will continue to misrepresent every single group that they are not a part of.

 

Look at Black Lives Matter - which is supposed to shed light on how African Americans are mistreated in society and not given a fair chance.  Well, when African Americans are part of communities with less money, they are lower socioeconomic status.  Because of this, their schools are not as good. This also means they get less of an education.  This means they have less upward mobility in the workforce. This means that they have lower paid jobs, which then means as they stay in "their" society/neighborhood; there is still a lack of funds for other public works projects; like schools, parks, museums, libraries, etc.  Because of less chances in life, a portion of them will result in crime in order to survive, whether it's stealing because they need to eat and feed their family (or as I stated in the previous question - cultural pressure to own the best new pair of sneakers or whatever else).  More crimes mean that the police force will be trained to notice 'shady' characteristics, along with stereotyping African Americans and also needing to clean up 'that' part of the neighborhood.  There is already generations of stigma and labels built upon before we even get to a police brutality case and hence the Black Lives Matter movement.  I could explain this a step further with the backlash of All Live Matter movement and tie it in with the Occupy Wallstreet movement but I said this answer would be shorter.

 

The only way in society that we can effectively change labels is to have a culture-wide movement all at the same time.  For instance, we need to bite the bullet and learn the metric system.  As a society, we can't only have a couple thousand think this.  It will never get traction.  There needs to be a solid generation that just understands that these are the inner-workings of society and active participation on a community-wide scale needs to be dramatic and bold.  The only way through that is with mass education to counterbalance the stigmas/stereotypes/cultural brainwashing that is currently in place.

 

Again, I could go into Seligman and Maier's research on 'Learned Helplessness' to illustrate my point, as well as clearly define insanity as the reason people are not going to change but that is an even bigger answer.  If you want me to answer in follow up questions, then I will.

 

-Mike"

 

--------

*Teros looks at post he just wrote in 20 minutes*

Image result for evil nod gif

 

*send*

 

-------------------

 

For goals: 

1) To post 10x per week. 5x for my own thread. 5x for other people.

2) Whole30 the rest of the challenge.  No exceptions barring having dinner with a friend of mine.

3) Walk 4x per week.

4) Stay on top of homework and get it done on Thursdays.  Thursday is homework day, damnit.

 

1) I'm posting right now.  \/

I checked on @DarK_RaideR  \/

I checked on @Sylvaa  \/

I checked on @Merrin  \/

I checked on @Bouncer the Resilient  \/

I checked on @HappyCat  \/

 

So I'm technically done with my weekly check-in for others but I'll see if I can do a couple more tomorrow.  Again, I don't want to go crazy and check a ton of people and get overwhelmed.

2) Whole30 today.  I ate some sausage and beans, as well as some cashews and raisins.  Tonight, I'll have some meatballs and broccoli.  \/

3) I walked today.  \/

4) Well it's not Thursday.  However, maybe the above huge response counts as extra credit when she sees it?  Ehhh?  EHHHHH?!  \/

 

----

 

What else?  Holy SHIT! The off-week! I got to mention some stuff I did.

 

I fired a crossbow and it was fucking excellent.

Pictured: Me with crossbow

Image result for daryl dixon

 

I also fired a shotgun which was equal parts terrifying and awesome.  I asked the dude that showed me how to fire, 'Can I keep the shotgun shell?'  He said that because of schools and such, a kid could bring that into class and there would be a shitstorm. No way.  However, he did give me a clay pigeon.  (2nd shot hit.)

 

clay_zpspxdb3zbe.jpg

 

Fuck Yeah.

 

Pictured: Me with shotgun

Image result for frank west shotgun

 

Also, I had lunch with @EricMN and we didn't take a picture.  Massive duo introvert fail.

 

Oh, and I saw a terrible movie in theaters with friends.  Also went Halloween decoration shopping with someone. :redface:

 

Omg, things are happening in my life?

 

*Next Time Note* Living pics+bookcase.

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Caught up with you.

 

Definitely a double introvert fail. Fortunately I kept a transcript of the whole thing for the benefit of everyone else.

 

hqdefault.jpg

EricMN

 

Image result for jedi master and khal drogo

Teros

 

Girlfriend-Explains-Why-She-Voted-Out-Of-The-EUg.jpg

EricMN's girlfriend, witnessing the whole thing

 

EricMN: "Sup".

Teros: "Sup".

EricMN: "I ran a Spartan."

Teros: "I shot a shotgun. And a crossbow."

 

Food happens. Parts of the above is discussed, intermingled with lots of pregnant pauses because two introverts.

 

EricMN: "It was great to finally meet you in person."

Teros: "You too."

 

We walk to our cars.

 

EricMN: "That was really great to finally meet him."

EricMN's GF: 

anewgirlgif.gif

  • Like 8

Rebel Scum Current Challenge

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Well, I can honestly say that I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. Man, the NF burnout is brutal. It's still been taking me forever to really get back into the forums like I want too. I get back to thinking how no one even cares what I post up anyway, since no one replies. But that's only because I stop posting to my own thread, and even other people's threads haha.  

Hey, at least you didn't follow my path, and gain just about all your weight back. Even when I wasn't posting here, I was trying to check in on some of you guys. I was glad to see you still moving on.

I told my trainer the other day, that things are starting to click again. I am beginning to get that feeling back. I hope you are getting that inner fire going again. Off shooting a crossbow, and shotgun. Sounds like you are ion your way :)

I'll be following along, and trying to support as much as I can. 

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Image result for 9999 odometer

 

 

TEN - THOUSAND - POSTS !

Wow what the hell?  I think it's time to make a new 'title' for myself.  I feel spiffy.  Sleek. Shiny.  Like a new car.  All these miles (or km for you non-USA sillies) and no rust!  Maybe some wear and tear (foot injury is still aggravating me a bit).

 

What the hell should I do for the Big 10k?  I know!  How about a book review?

 

In continuing my last book that was considered to be taboo; I figured I would ramp things up a bit.  The previous book was ‘120 Days of Sodom’.

 

I had tried to read this finished Book of the Month (BotM) a couple of years ago when I rented it from the library.  However, I never even got past page 30.  I just wasn’t feeling it at all.  Readers know that feeling.  You get a few pages in but nothing is really sticking.  You feel like you should want to read the book but end up becoming ‘meh’.  Since I had rented it the first time, I put off reading it over and over until it was due. I didn’t want to re-rent this book so I just brought it back; never to pick it up again.

 

Until now.

 

This time, I was able to get well past page 30 in an evening.  It’s also not a light read. Some books you can breeze through pretty quick.  However, I like something with more substance and an actual challenge.

 

I thought this was my chance to push through and get this book permanently checked off of my list.  Something to know about me when I read:  I don’t strictly do it for leisure.  I almost have to have a vested interest in getting some sort of learning/information from it all.  For me, reading and writing is art and art can be summed up by Joyce Carol Oates,

“My belief is that art should not be comforting; for comfort, we have mass entertainment and one another.  Art should provoke, disturb, arouse our emotions, expand our sympathies in directions we may not anticipate and may not even wish.”

As such, when a friend of mine told me about a Star Wars romance book that I “needed” to read,

 

Image result for dr evil quotes

 

My mind was already made up on the matter.

Image result for lemur how about no

 

 

With most books, they tend to not grab me.  It doesn’t deliver the information to my brain fast enough. Not compared to movies, shows, or games.  Hell, even with those other formats; I sometimes struggle.  It could just be adult ADHD but my mind doesn’t have a calm ‘enjoy’ button that gets flipped. It’s either switched ‘on’ (obsessed) or ‘off’ (complete boredom).  Anyways, since I was able to breeze through the beginning chapters with ease, I knew that my brain was ‘on’ this time when I was going to read it. And I damn well am going to read it all and not lost steam halfway through *cough cough dante’s inferno cough*

The book starts off as an autobiography where the author is explaining their childhood. Explains where their ideals came from.  The emotional turmoil in how their parent hated the profession that they wanted to get involved in.  Within these first couple of pages, I already felt an understanding (strike 1).  I know what it means to have a parent that hates the profession that you feel drawn to.  I’ve heard talking down about what I’m currently in school for and considering the already strained relationship with my mom, this is just one more thing to add.

 

When the author talked about their interests, it echoed mine.  Taking a fascination in architecture and admiration for not just the aesthetic but how things were made fascinated (both of us).

 

The author spoke at length about schooling and how pompous and nearly useless certain aspects of it are.  And I quote,

“By ‘reading’ to be sure, I mean perhaps something different than the average member of our so-called ‘inteligesta’.  I know people who ‘read’ enormously, book for book, letter for letter, yet whom I would not describe as ‘well-read’.  Yet, they possess a mass of ‘knowledge’ but their brain is unable to organize and register the material they have taken in.  They lack the art of sifting what is valuable for them in a book from that which is without value, of retaining the one forever, and, if possible, not even seeing the rest, but in any case not dragging it around with them as useless ballast.  For reading is no end in itself, but a means to an end.  It should primarily help to fill the framework constituted by every man’s talents and abilities; in addition, it should provide the tools and building materials which the individual needs or his life’s work, regardless whether this consists in a primitive struggle for sustenance or the satisfaction of a high calling; secondly, it should transmit a general world view.  In both cases, however, it is essential that the content of what one reads at any time should not be transmitted to the memory in the sequence of the book or books, but like the stone of a mosaic should fit into the general world picture in its proper place, and thus help to form a picture in the mind of the reader.  Otherwise, there arises a confused muddle of memorized facts which not only are worthless, but also make their unfortunate possessor conceited.  For such a reader not believes himself in all seriousness to be ‘educated’ to understand something of life, to have knowledge, which in reality, with every new acquisition of this kind of ‘education’ he is growing more and more removed from the world until, not infrequently, he ends up in a sanitarium or in parliament.  Never will such a mind success in culling from the confusion of his ‘knowledge’ anything that suits the demands of the hour, for his intellectual ballast is not organized along the lines of life, but in the sequence of the books as he read them and as their content has piled up in his brain.  If Fate, in the requirements of his daily life, desired to remind him to make a correct application of what he had read, it would have to indicate title and page number, since the poor fool would otherwise never in all his life find the correct place.  But since Fate does not do this, these bright bots in any critical situation come into the most terrible embarrassment, cast about convulsively for analogous cases and with mortal certainty naturally find the wrong formulas.”

 

First, I would like to mention that I also capitalize ‘Fate’ and will speak of it as a separate entity.  (Strike 2).  Second, every single word of this is something that I’ve said for YEARS (Strike 3).  It was like I wrote a rant in a journal from 5 years ago and am re-reading and going.

Image result for oh you meme original

  Oh, you...

I remember speaking to an ex-friend about 5 or 6 years ago and we were talking about education and how people that get a ‘formal’ education will lack common sense in many regards.  We were completely in agreement that higher education does not always equal being more intelligent.  There are plenty of people that are know-it-alls that are usually talking out of their ass, but justify their flawed logic because of their schooling.  They can parrot but they can’t be critical.  This has been something that I’ve felt since I was a teenager and all throughout my years of school afterwards; it has been something that has stuck with me.  Another part of this (strike 4 technically) is that I feel reading is a means to an end in learning something.  Back when I used to go to PlanetFitness, I would get bummed about how nothing really caught my eye when reading and I thought for a period of time that maybe I should go rent a medical book and teach myself medicine while I was on the treadmill.  I mean imagine how Hawt that would be if you saw a healthy guy working out on a treadmill and reading something a Doctor was learning about.

If I’m going to devote a block of time to something, it mine as well enrich part of my life.  A cliché story doesn’t do that for me – hence why I had 0 interest in the Star Wars book my friend spoke of and why the overwhelming majority of books make me feel ‘meh’.  I even gave smut a try from a website and it was terrible.  This can be extended to my boredom of a lot of other types of media and the above Joyce quote.  I don’t feel anything if the media that I am involved in is shallow.  This also is why reading a book a second time is completely mind-numbing to me.  You already know it all.  There’s nothing new.  There’s nothing engaging.  At least with a game with replay value, there are experiences that you can relive (and also hand-eye coordination to keep your brain busy).  I don’t have that when it comes to books. I read LotR once: that’s enough. I never need to revisit the Shire again.  With movies, even ones that I LOVE; I rarely watch more than 1-2 times.

 

Image result for the shining

 

(Remind me to write a review on the Shining. Seriously. Maybe a Halloweeny goal?)

 

 

After passing my page 30 marker, things got more interesting:

(p.42) “The psyche of the great masses is not receptive to anything that is half-hearted and weak.  Like the woman, whose psychic state is determined less by grounds of abstract reason than by an indefinable emotional longing for a force which will complement her nature, and who, consequently, would rather bow to a strong man than dominate a weakling, likewise the masses love a commander more than a petitioner and feel inwardly more satisfied by a doctrine, tolerating no other beside itself, than by the granting of liberalistic freedom with which, as a rule, they can do litter, and are prone to feel that they have been abandoned.”

I had to write this whole quote down because it’s just so fucking interesting how the thought process is here.  If you focus on the ‘woman’ part of it, you’re staring at a tree instead of seeing the forest.  This person talks in extended examples to make comparative results and I fucking ADORE it. Overall, the author is talking about how even if a cause might be a little lopsided, through sheer will and force of personality; others can take up the mantle and have a general urge to be led. 

 

That makes total sense to me.  It shows a strong gasp of the psychological spirit and background that the writer has, although not flaunting it (via the education rant of ‘inteligesta’ above).  I found myself strangely and strongly identifying with the author and I wasn’t even 50 pages in (strike 5).

 

I continued with renewed fervor – opting to not paint or socialize on a Friday so I could read more.

(p.82)  “For there is one thing which we must never forget: in this, too, the majority can never replace the man.  It is not only a representative of stupidity, but of cowardice as well.  And no more than a hundred empty heads make one wise man, will a heroic decision arise from a hundred cowards."

 

On the SPOT!  Yes, yes, 100% yes (strike 6).  It makes perfect sense and I understand the sentiment here.  When people work together as a collective, they are giving up a part of themselves.  The intended result is that we create something greater than the sum of our parts: i.e., we pool together our collective in order to survive and thrive better than if were to survive solo.  Now, in ancient times; this made sense.  We were and still are social creatures.  We crave contact, despite if we are extroverts or introverts. However, losing sight of the greatness of the individual means that the person is being assimilated into the anonymous collective and therefore can never truly shine. Either they need to be a leader in that situation or they need to be independent.  In a smaller grouping – like cavemen with herding and hunter/gatherers; this modality will suffice.  But the bigger the group that is working in cohesion; the more chinks in the armor from ‘sub standard’ people in the mix; thereby lowering the best average.  Think about this in terms of numbers.  If I have 10 numbers:  10, 11, 14, 25, 30, 66, 78, 81, 97, 99; then the average of all these is = 51.1.  Ok. Imagine that the # is how healthy people are.  Or if the number is equal to the scaled IQ.  Or the # is related to physical strength on a ranked test.  Whatever the metrics that you use; it averages out to be 51.1.

 

What if I cut out the lowest % of the group and then take the average again. Let’s nix 10, 11, 14, 25, and 30.  So now we have 5 numbers (66, 78, 81, 97, 99).  What’s our average now?  84.2 for the new average amount, we have a  better group, right?  So when we work in a smaller group together, things work out in our favor.

Ex: Working in a group project.  Maybe 5 people and each designates what they are working on and they bring their parts and talents to the group to fill up any areas that are lacking.  (At least in theory, I found most people lacking in school).  You get my point, here:  in a smaller situation; the division of labor and stratification of the layers is nice. It’s a 7-layer dip.  Do you really want a 125-layer dip?  That’s insanity.

 

 There will naturally create a hierarchy and things should (in theory) go fairly smoothly.  Think of a group project though if you could vote that one douchebag that you KNOW is not going to pull their fair share.  Think of the huge difference those group projects would have gone if Douchbag Danny wasn’t around.

Image result for scumbag steve

 

The sum can become greater than our parts.  But once we include more and more people, we dilute the quality of character because the higher % has to take care and cater to the lower % in order to break even.  We can never completely erase an individual and their strengths and weaknesses and it’s better to have 1 quality person than a ton of rats that pool together and just run away.  In this instance, Quality>Quantity. Something I’ve echoed in my posts, my rants, and journal for fucking decades.  (Strike 7).

 

“It is not the aim of our present-day parliamentarianism to constitute an assembly of wise men, but rather to compose a band of mentally dependent nonentities who are the more easily led in certain directions, the greater is the personal limitation of the individual’

 

(Strike 8) Again echoing the idea here that by diffusing the blame among a group, no individual needs to fess up to it. 

I present to you something that I’ve known for years and would do well to learn psychology of people:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diffusion_of_responsibility

It’s like if a group of kids decided to break a cookie jar and steal cookies.  When the parent finds out, all the kids shrug.  ‘Well I mean…. They all had a cookie so I had a cookie’ a kid might say.  Or ‘everyone else was doing it’.  So when the national deficit reaches a certain amount, here comes all of our representatives that either say ‘well I didn’t vote that’ or ‘it was a unanimous decision’.  Either way, the responsibility is not on anyone’s shoulders.  We just shit our pants and shuffle along with a dookie dragging behind us and no one to vehemently point a finger at.  Honestly, can someone tell me that this ISN’T the case in politics today?  Does anyone think that “your” representative has your best interest at heart and is working on helping you?  Or do you think that they are more concerned with being played as puppets, raising funds, and keeping their cushy jobs.  Look no further than the current USA election for a Molotov cocktail of backstabbing/betraying/hatred/stupidity looks like.  Apply this to representatives that you don’t know, and you have a faceless congregation of rats humans that are pandering scumbags that make a living being a slightly better snake in a pit full of snakes.

 

“Insufficient knowledge of inner driving of great revolutions led to an insufficient estimation of the importance of the broad masses of the people; from this resulted insufficient interest in the social question, its deficient and inadequate efforts to win the soul of the lower classes of the nation, as well as its favorable attitude toward parliament.  If they had recognized the tremendous power which at all times must be attributed to the masses as the repository of revolutionary resistance, they would have worked differently in social and propagandist matters.  Then the movement’s center of gravity would not have been shifted to parliament, but to the workshop and the street.’

 

Can I get an Amen?

Image result for amen

 

(Strike 9)  I feel like I would be best friends with this person.  Look again at what has happened in the current election by catering to the lowest common denominator.  That’s what society has become in a nutshell.  We have things like the ‘no child left behind act’ which actively lowers the bar so that everyone gets through.  I don’t like it, but humanity should be stratified.  All we are doing is constantly watering down our untapped potential and being left with muddy children instead of full-fledged adults.  Constant lowering of standards leads to people getting ‘participation’ trophies.  It leads to kids that SHOULD be held back to go forward.  It creates a situation where we accept that everyone is a fucking hero and champion, when the large majority are goddamn chumps.  We make ourselves dumber as a species by doing this.  The best should rise to the top.  The cream of the crop

Image result for macho man cream of the crop meme

 

That’s what is supposed to happen. All of these quotes collectively hit so hard for me.  This quote in particular is what pisses me off about the social worker profession.  I hate, hate, HATE the idea of social works ‘compromising’ in today’s current societal construct and not having fangs.  The budget that is spent on War is astronomical. About ¾ of our national budget.  16% of our budget goes towards special interest: things like money for people that are victims of sexual assault, prison reform, helping the homeless, lgbt rights, and more.  Rather than all of these, as I consider ‘niche’ groups banding together and taking a bigger slice of the pie (from War), they instead fights for funds with each other.  Social workers are NOT supposed to be little rats that are eating up crumbs of money and then fighting over each other.  They are supposed to be a juggernaut and a unified will of the people that smashed government over the head.  Government should be AFRAID of its citizens, not the other way around.  And does a citizen feel that way?  Does a citizen feel like they have any control anymore or any voice?  No. No they don’t.  There is no voice for the voiceless.  The average joe should be the one telling politicians what to do, not the other way around.  And we need to have a better class of average joe.  We can’t water down our standards – all that does is create a nation and world of average joes.  We need exemplary and a way to make that shine.  Goddamn it.  I’m getting angry now.

 

“Theatre, art, lit, cinema, press, posters, and window displays must be cleansed of all manifestations of our rotting world and placed in the service of a moral, political, and cultural idea.  Public life must be freed from the stifling perfume of our modern eroticism, just as it must be freed from all unmanly, prudish hypocrisy.”

 

I found this to be very polarizing in my brain.  On one hand, part of me feels like freedom of expression is in jeopardy by adhering to this quote.  However, after mulling it around in my head; my feeling is that the whole point is to promote things that are better and again, exemplary – instead of pandering to the lowest common denominator.  Sex sells. We all know this.  Violence sells.  A local news reporter spoke at my bachelor’s degree and she said, “If it bleeds, it leads”.  The news and media itself (books/movies/shows/billboards/commercials/everything) knows this.  This is why people watch the news and become terrified.  It’s propaganda.  There is a war going on for your mind.  I will post this again:  Seligman and Maier – Learned Helplessness.  In essence, you are the product of the media that you consume.  If you do nothing but absorb yourself into negative things, you become negative.  Another way to look at it is through Neiziche’s quote:

Image result for stare long enough into the abyss and the abyss stares back at you

 

Hell, ‘you are what you eat’.  Or another cliché, ‘you are only as good as the 5 closest people you associate yourself with.’

 

Look at this in the quality of your life.  Look at this when defining labels for yourself.  If you associate yourself with positive. If you associate yourself with good.  If you associate yourself with healthy.  If you associate yourself with *whatever you want to be*, and make it become your PERSONAL CULTURE- the culture of YOU, then you will, in fact, become that thing.

 

If I hate jogging with a passion, but I tell myself that I want to be a ‘jogger’.  That’s my new label.  I want it.  I feel that I need it, despite every fiber of my being telling me that I’m not a ‘jogger’.  But I make friends with joggers.  I force myself to go jogging.  I read a book on how to jog properly so I don’t injure myself.  I pair my jogging with enjoyable media (like your favorite music while you jog)

 

Whatever it is, immerse yourself into that new label and eventually your jogger friends will wanna jog with you.  Maybe meet up real early, go for a jog, and get a coffee afterwards.  Jogging becomes a part of you.  Then one day, it is your label.  It’s gradual but eventually you look at yourself and say,  ‘I’m a jogger’ and it’s not a lie. You fake it until you make it.

 

Now!  Let’s go back about a page to this quote:  if I don’t have control over my culture, look at what is available through my everyday media.  Sex, violence, drugs, consumerism.  You don’t see billboards of heroes that are in your community.  You don’t see inspiring information as you walk down the street.  You see glum.  You see trash.  You see pathetic and low quality in everything.  Tell me…

 

What does that make you, if your culture is saying those things?  You are what you associate with.  If you have work friends that are nothing but caddy bitches, how long do you think it will take before you become one of them?  If you’re sitting on the fence, the pigs will eventually get you dirty and drag you through the mud.  Then-

 

 

Back to the quote- I see it not as a silencing in terms of limiting expression.  I see it as building your own personal culture and surrounding yourself with good.  Please honestly think about how much different your life would be if every single medicine commercial was replaced with a commercial about your local library hosting gaming events, or book readings.  What if every billboard as you drove that was a massive advertisement for the *new sugar+shit donut* or for diamonds or whatever, was instead a billboard that showed:

‘Despite adversity, there is beauty’

Image result for flower in concrete

What if you drove by THAT every morning instead?

Bitter cynics might have an issue with it but can you really tell me that mind-numbing consumerism propaganda and appealing to your most basic and grimy needs to manipulate you is better than the above billboard?

*sigh*  Fucking strike 10.  I’ll be skipping around the order a bit now.

 

292- “True genius is always inborn and never cultivated, let alone learned.”

Strike 11.  I have always felt this.  It is a quasi-similar quote referring to the ‘inteligesta’ quote above.  I consider it separate, however, since it also takes into account what the person themselves is capable of.  Look, it’s a hard fact of life but we’re not all born equal.  Now, I never said that there are worthless people or that one person is 100% better than another person.  That’s a slippery slope of arrogance.  But you can’t tell me every person will score an 82 on a test.  Not every person has to work as hard to learn the piano.  Not every person is able to see patterns as quickly as sum.  Not everyone is a ‘natural born’ whatever. Those exist.  And saying people aren’t all born with at least a predisposition for certain talents and greatness is foolish.  I look at it like this. The major issue I have with Nature Vs Nurture:

 

Can we both agree that it’s both?  Please.  Nature is what you were born with.  Numbers, please!

 

Let’s say there are two people: Me and Bach.  We were born unequal in many regards, but everyone is born equal in terms of baseline respect.  For me, I start off with no real talent for piano. My skill level (inborn) is like a 10.  Bach on the other hand, starts off with a whopping 60.  (I’m making this scale out of 100, fyi.)  Now that’s our Nature.  10 vs 60.

 

Let’s say that we both take music class and we both practice.  I go from 10->20 in my piano.  Bach goes from 60->80.  “What the fuck!” I scream.  He’s like some master or something and I still suck!  True. The mandatory music class ends and I’m seething mad at Bach. I wish I was like him.  I wish I was able to be so damn nimble.  “He’s got those gangly fucking fingers. Creep.” I mutter under my breath.  I love piano so I keep practicing.  Bach?  He gets in with the ‘wrong crowd’ (spoiler alert, cross-example because I work on layers) and ends up smoking a lot of pot and playing paintball through high school.  He never bothers with piano.  It was a mandatory class so fuck it.

 

Image result for salad fingers

  Pictured: Bach

Fast Forward 10 years.  I’ve stuck to my guns and I join an ‘Arts Club’ in college – a league of students that want to bring a hippy-esk ‘cultural revolution’ back to the people and so it’s comprised of painters, writers, and musicians.  I start dating a girl that also plays the piano.  We do duet piano pieces.  I’m happy.  I’ve let this music become a part of me.  “I’m a pianist” I tell myself.  And my level?  My level over the years has gone from that measly 20 to 30, to 85.  I have surpassed that cretin, Bach, and I’m better than him.  His drinking and partying ways made him get rusty and he’s back down to around 63.

 

Well goddamn, right?

 

This quote is saying that the natural intent of working with systems is in-born. It is Nature, not Nurture.  Consider ‘system-working’ to be a label and put that at a 90 for me.  Also the same for the author with his comparisons and working within systems in their own examples.

 

To sum up, I also feel the same way as John Nash

Image result for nash school dulls the mind

 

Learning for expanding your own boundaries should be something you want to do, not something you are forced to do.  You dull your blade.  Back in the MySpace days, I wrote a few stupid blogs.  Only one person read them.  I got a message from them after they read my few posts and they said, and I quote, “If wit was a blade, you would cut my head clean off”

:redface:

300- “As soon as egoism becomes the ruler of a people, the bands of order are loosened and in the chase after their own happiness men fall from heaven into a real hell.”

 

You can see in page number, this is close to the previous quote.  Egoism, or following only self happiness; leads from Heaven to Hell.

*raises hand* But I thought that is what all of this was about – it was saying that we should be unqiue little snowflakes and create our personal culture and labels and-

Image result for havo dad legolas

 

It would make more sense maybe if I swapped a word.  Rather than looking at egoism – think of it like the Id in your brain.  The Id, Ego, and Superego are the 3 main components of the psyche.  (101 here)  The Id is the whiney little bitchy child that wants. Me me me. Now now now.  Cake? I’m eating that whole fucking thing as I sit on the couch, watch porn, and jerk off until I pass out and covered in chocolate sauce and… other things.  That’s ID, ok?

Superego is

Image result for respect my authoritah

 

Rules. Regulations.  You can’t do that.  Nagging parent. However you want to see it.

Ego is the compromiser in the room.  “Look, Id, we can’t eat a whole cake and google search ‘face sitting’ all day, ok?  And SuperEgo, it’s been a stressful day and constant bashing will only lead to self-depreciation and resentment.  How about if you eat a healthy dinner and finish your work, you have a slice of cake or have some popcorn and watch a movie.  Ok you two?”

 

In the quote, the author is addressing that egoism=the Id.  We can’t just go and do whatever the hell we want, whenever we want it.  We need to have some sort of impulse control. If we didn’t, we’d be dead.  Strength should be exemplified. It should be an ideal.  And as humans, we have the frontal cortex to postpone rewards and instead focus on the gains that need to be made. We are rational thinkers.  This doesn’t mean being puritans.  This doesn’t mean being savages.  This means being slightly naughty gentlemen.  (By the way, awesome band name I just created.)

 

Image result for like a sir

 

Le clock striketh twelve

 

580- “an agitator who demonstrated the ability to transmit an idea to the broad masses must always be a psychologist, even if he were only a demagogue.  Then he will still be more suited for leadership than the unworldly theoretician, who is ignorant of people.  For leading means: being able to move masses.”

However the combination of theoretician, organizer, and leader in one person is the rarest thing that can be found on this earth; this combination makes the great Man.”

 

Ah, the great man. The overhuman.  The Ubermensh.  Nietzsche strikes again.  Baker’s dozen here, folks.  Strike 13.  I can’t agree more.  It makes perfect sense as a theory is good in a sterile world, but a psychologist needs to know how to take that theory and put it into practical use to help work with the masses.  People are easily swayed, are they not?  At least, if they don’t know they’re being swayed.  I cite previous examples here about personal culture and assimilation into that culture.  What’s the best way to learn a language?  Live where the language is.  You have no choice and constant bombardment means that people learn more in a short time living somewhere; then years and years of schooling.  There’s no chance to dull your experience.  Your speech has risen from 20->80 in Japanese! 

Image result for so kawaii meme

Now in understanding propaganda, manipulation, labels, learned helplessness, and more; you can see how psychology and the understanding of how people’s minds can be bent is the key to being able to transmit an idea to the masses.  An ideology can be pure, but only by navigating the channels of how people ABSORB that information, can one hope to actually create an idea that people will get on board with.  Therefore, if one can create the theory in their genius, organize the theory to make applicable, and then use multiple ways to teach people to pull at their heartstrings and own logics in their minds – you truly have a great person.

 

337- 'Faith is harder to shake than knowledge, love succumbs less to change than respect, hate is more enduring than aversion, and the impetus to the mightiest upheavals on this earth has at all times consisted less in a scientific knowledge dominating the masses than in a fanaticism which inspired  them and sometimes in a hysteria which drove them forward.  Anyone who wants to win the broad masses must know the key that opens the door to their heart It's name is not objectivity (read: weakness) but will and power.'

 

Oh boy! Religion!  Did you get politics in my religion? Did you get religion in my politics?  Isn’t this the cardinal duo to not talk about?  :P

Wowzers. Faith is harder to shake than knowledge. Of course it is – look at the assimilation and influence that faith has over basic facts.  It makes perfect sense.  We are not machine men with machine hearts.  We are swayed by emotions more often than not.  And that can be a dangerous thing.  Love succumbs less to change than respect. Again Emotions overruling logic.  Hate is more enduring than aversion – This one… this one I know too well.  If my original post in my thread didn’t make it obvious enough that my ‘culture’ of experiences and especially hatred could move mountains.  Hatred is stronger than mere avoidance.

 

Look at people’s ideologies.  Do people normally just ‘let it go’ when they think someone else is wrong? 

 

 

LEPASKAAAAN!  LEPASKAAAAAAAN!

If you’re a die-hard democrat, and there’s a die-hard republican; how many people are above pettiness and simply think, ‘well they are dumb and I’ll ignore them’?  How about clashing religions?  How about being bi-sexual or homosexual and hearing someone say that ‘those people’ are evil?  How much cheek-turning do we actually do, and how much do we secretly seethe with anger against people that are ‘obviously wrong’?

 

Fanaticism and hysteria – can anyone say crusades and jihad?  Through blind hatred, humanity has clashed and destroyed itself many times over.  All for what? Rather than agreeing to disagree, the ‘other side’ is demonized.  Those not like us should be feared. Not trusted.  They are not humans like us; they are monsters.  And those monsters should be put down – not because we refuse to let go and refuse to love, oh no no! Not that at all. Because this land, this family, this nation, this world should purge this blight that is knocking at our door. 

 

Labels.  Always labels.  Put the label of ‘monster’ of ‘terrorist’ of anything demeaning on someone else.  Force it. Proclaim it loudly and proudly and the people will fall suit, like sheep to the slaughter, willing to let emotion override reason. What say you – what is more terrifying: the rabble being able to so easily bend to a tyrant’s will through emotion, or living in a world where there is no emotion whatsoever?

 

People, so often, are a tool.  And more often than not, they are in the wrong hands in this world…

Strike 14.  It rings true.  I don’t want to admit it but I’ve known and felt this all along.   I start to feel uneasy when reading.  There’s no turning back.

 

406- 'for if a generation suffers from faults which is recognizes , even admits, but nevertheless, as occurs today occurs today in our bourgeois world contents itself with the cheap excuse that there is nothing to be done about it - such a society is doomed.”

We see that people are ‘Learned Helplessness’.  Yes, the election is rigged.  Yes, there are currently two hated candidates. Still going to vote?

*turd sandwich*

People are conditioned that even though life is bad, there is no hope.  There is no one coming to help us on this Pale Blue Dot.  We are living on a chunk of rock, spinning around a massive exploding fireball; hurling through space amount thousands of galaxies and solar systems, across a vastness of space that is barely even comprehensible. 

Image result for sagan pale blue dot quote

 

We are a watch with rusted gears that are breaking.  We are lost children with no parent coming to protect us from ourselves.  People, every single day, accept their Fate. Accept that life is not beautiful and free.  They stew in darkness and shrug and keep buying their coffee each morning; driving by that billboard for diamonds.  Maybe today… maybe today they will get that donut.

 

Strike …15

408- 'First place must be taken by the development of character, especially the promotion of will-power and determination, combined with the training of joy in responsibility, and only in last place comes scientific schooling.'

 

Back to schooling.  How to structure all of society happens through school. In kindergarten, you learn to share, speak your mind, stand up for yourself, etc.  Then the rest of school is spent sitting, listening, and not rocking the boat.  This above quote is promoting Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs.

Image result for maslow pyramid

The most important thing to be pushed here, is ‘character’.  Without strong will, determination, conviction; we will all fall and be swayed by the washing tide of corruption.  Without assertiveness and will, we will become sheeple.  To not be lead to the slaughter, it only makes sense that we have as many free-thinkers and star-seekers as possible to breed a crop of, as mentioned above, the ‘great man’.  While it is inborn, it is still something that society should restructure itself to exemplify.  Make sure the cream of the crop gets it’s opportunities and it’s chance to shine.  For as stated, 1 of these people is worth more than 100 rats in a pack.  It would only make sense to promote this.  Strike 16 now.

 

429- "On the basis of a certain intellectual drill, knowledge above the average can be crammed into an average man but it remains dead, and in the last analysis sterile knowledge.  The result is a man who may be a living dictionary but nevertheless falls down miserable in all special situations and decisive moments in life; here will always have to be coached again for every situation, even the simplest, and by his own resources will not be able to make the slightest contribution to the development of humanity.”

 

Strike 17.  That many? Never has any read really challenged me while also made me feel so understood. It frays at my nerves a little that there is so much in common with this author.  Here we see again that knowledge in a body of text does not matter as much as the application of said knowledge.  Thinking critically and objectively and being able to work with multiple volumes of information is more important than parroting things.  For if all someone does is copy+paste text into their head; they could be a whole library but never connect the dots.  What use is a thousand examples if there isn’t a trend that is learned from all of these examples?  The weight of learning should be on thinking outside the box and dismantling the gun and understanding how it works; not memorizing every name of a gun.  Knowledge needs to be APPLICABLE. History is doomed to repeat itself without understanding the underlying themes.  And only through understanding what makes things *tick* can you understand how to control them.  Know the pieces that are moving and how they interrelate to each other.  Another cliché: give a man to fish, he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.  Why?  Should we give this man a fish every day?  What does that do for him?  It makes him dependent on the fish-giver.  A fish is an example.  The act of fishing is the theme.  Therefore, giving 1000 fish still will have the man die of starvation if he can’t apply this for himself.

 

431-“For invention, drilled knowledge does not suffice, but only knowledge animated by talent.  but in our country today no store is set on this; it is only good marks that matter.  It's task is not to preserve the decisive influence of an existing social class, but to pick the most capable kinds from the sum of all the national comrades and bring them to office and dignity.”

 

 More of the same but this stuck out.  This is the survival of the fittest. And here is where things start to take a darker turn in the reading. At about page 300, there was information that I was neglecting.  However, this is spot on yet again.  It summarizes what I’ve been saying: we need to promote those that are the best and make sure they can reach their full potential.  Everyone should reach their full potential but these natural born leaders, with enough knowledge, working within systems, working outside the box, and understanding the cogs that make up the dimensions of our world should be considered a treasure.  Throughout all of this reading, I was on the same boat.  Strike 18 now.  But by this point, I felt a bit bizarre.

 

Bizarre in that I felt that I was getting praise for being exactly what the author wanted. But then knowing the result of this way of thinking…

  

“It may be that today gold has become the exclusive ruler of life, but the time will come when man will again bow down before a higher god.  Many things today may owe their existence solely to the longing for money and wealth, but there is very little among them whose non-existence would leave humanity any the poorer.  This, even now, it must herald a day which will give to the individual what he needs or living, but uphold the principle that man does not live exclusively for the sake of material pleasures.”

 

A higher calling.  We were meant for so much more than what we have in society today.  Strike 19.  The starry-eyed optimist in me yearns to create a utopian state when we do not rule by greed, but by principle.  When we don’t covet everything but learn to life with quality>quantity.  When we understand that there are things in life that can not be bought, and that those things need to be valued above material goods.  When we can become free-thinkers, forward-thinkers, abstract, working in unison as a single species; where those that exhibit the best talents are promoted: this is what ‘we’ were meant to do.  We let our emotions get the best of us.  We get brainwashed.  We listen to people that do not have our best intentions in their hearts, but only their personal best intentions.  We should not be living for greed’s sake. 

Image result for fight club end up owning you

 

That just means that we are letting ourselves turn into degenerates (bad labels and association, and the purity quote above).  We need to think better. We need to think bigger.  Better.  Bolder.

Image result for inception need to think bigger

 

At long last,  ‘and I can fight only for something that I love, love only what I respect, and respect only what I at least know’

 

Strike 20.  This was earlier in the book but it needed to come last.  It summarizes everything that I have ever felt in my life.  This is how I rationalize my feelings.  This is how I love.  This is how I hate.  This is how I make decisions.  This is how I understand myself and understand others.  This is how I think.  This is everything to me.

 

I start with knowledge.  I learn as much as I can.  At a rapid pace.  When I learn, I am a man possessed.  When I learn, I am in love.  This is why I hate schooling – it’s giving you data sheets and not applicable experience.  It hinders me.  The construct of school, for all intents and purposes, hates me.  And I hate it.  This is why I am not religious.  Logic needs to trump all.  This is why I can’t enjoy a ‘good book/easy read’ – I get nothing out of it. I don’t learn any new knowledge.  This is how I make friends – the fact I remember everything is a blessing and a curse in my life.  This is how I connect with any type of human being – by understanding my emotions; I understand my themes.  By understanding their examples, I find they have the same themes. And once I understand that the themes of you and the themes of me are one in the same, there is sympathy. There is empathy.  There is trust.  There is love.  And this is why I’ve had over 20 people tell me about how they were sexually assaulted, and eating disorders, and schizophrenic, and alcohol abuse, and child abuse.  This is why people trust me.  Because I understand. Because I learn.  Because I need to have love and I need to have passion for knowledge.  I’m hellbent on understanding everything.  A puzzle is a game. It’s a trick.  I hate most movies, games, shows, and books – they don’t follow logic.  They don’t follow reason.  They have nothing in them that can be constituted as a theme.  After I know a theme, that’s the end. I don’t care.  It’s why I can’t re-read the same book.

 

Love is bred through passion, through respect, through understanding, through knowledge.  I take the time, I dig and dig and dig and get to the core because inside myself – I need to love.  In this world, I do not think we have a purpose as stated above how we are all on a speck of dust in the cosmos.  Therefore, since we have no purpose, we must make purpose

 

And my purpose, my ultimate pursuit in this life is understanding.

 

Image result for dr manhattan understand

 

I…. in a way…hate the fact that I am this author.  Part of me doesn’t want to be. Because I know of the atrocities. Because the whole world knows the pain and suffering that was done to try and create his utopia.

 

Everything that I have quoted, these 20 strikes; came from:

Image result for mein kampf

Throughout all of this, Hitler talks about how to build a society.  How to manipulate. How to assert.  How to be the best person that one can be.  And his conclusion in all of this is to take his own advice and rally behind the survival of the fittest and find many groups to not be ‘fit enough’.

 

Image result for let god sort them out quote arnaud

With schooling, Hitler goes to say that schooling and training should build up the body first. He puts a heavy stress on physical prowess first and then proceeds to talk about building up the person's character - whether they are a leader/idealist/thief/whatever it might be. I'm thinking that his logic for this is that you start of having a physical base first and those that that aren't gifted intelligently end up becoming the fighting force (which everyone is groomed to be) and then the other people have their talents exemplified and therefore become the best person they can be.  As before, this parallels Maslow's Heirarchy of needs; where you can see that you need the basics and then as you learn more and more internally; you become self-actualized.  Hitler's plan for the youth was to have physical = the lowest rung and therefore addressed first; then character and finally education to be the middle and upper rungs.  This makes it so that nothing/no person is really 'wasted'.  Think of a student that really doesn't care about schooling, they will drop off towards the mid-end and that will be the end of the story.  This stratifies people, meaning everyone gets the most of their environment.  While this is efficient and makes quite a lot of sense, you can see how this can be used as a classist ideology where people are 'aware' that this person>this person.  In going along with Hitler's view of eugenics/survival of the fittest, this makes perfect sense to him.  The cream of the crop should rise to the top while the dregs will be used as lowly 'foot soldiers' since that is all they are 'good for'.

 

He goes on with education in saying that people only hold a fraction of a percent of the information they learn in schooling; yet as time goes on, they don't apply any of it.  There is needed information and there is fluff information and trying to fit everything in means that people are tortured for thousands of hours for no reason (which I wholeheartedly agree.  I’m not counting ‘strikes’ anymore).  He also cites that although people may say that education may not be *only* about the material but also about the  capacity  to learn- he has a rebuttal to there being some merit; but the actual education is so horrid that there should be a complete revamping of the system.  He goes on to say that a good example of this is when people learn multiple languages. If 100k people learn French as their second language; in their lifetime only about 2 thousand of them will have need of it.  The other 98k people have spent countless hours learning something that they are not applying and therefore forget so it would make way more sense to focus on quality of learning rather than quantity and shoving all this information overload at kids.  If you need to teach a kid a language, it would make more sense to show them how the words are created and understand the grammar that is associated, rather than giving them thousands of random words which won't stick in their heads. By learning the *mechanics* of language, the person can then do the sifting and learning on their own as they mature; instead of a clusterfuck of words.

 

He also addresses history as not being a collection of dates and random facts; but it should be explained through motives and the underlying reasons that the actions happened.

My history teacher, Mr. Redfearn, said that history is the ‘world’s greatest story’ and I fell in love with history from that day forward.  Memorization is not helpful.  In any sort of education, there needs to be a means to an end.  With being thrown dates/people; it doesn't address the theme of history - for example you don't understand how the hatred of a group of people lead to an assassination.  All you know is 'this guy died on this day'.  Overall in his writing; he is talking about giving people the *systems* of learning and letting all the details be pieced together if they really want to get into the nitty-gritty of the situation.

 

Here’s where I started challenging myself and Hitler in the way of thinking.

Image result for yu gi oh time to duel

I think Hitler was an INTJ like me.  When talking about his past in the book, I felt that he was heavily an I>E, as charismatic speaking does not mean the same thing.  You can be a leader and put on an E persona without actually being that personality. 

 

Without a doubt, J>P in this regard.  If there's anything that you can know instantly about Hitler; it's his hatred and Judgment of other people.  His classifying and organization is also extremely apparent.  His entire basis of eugenics makes sense as a J>P regard.  Considering his plans (again, a J>P situation), he was ruthless in his execution and took a very organized and rational sense of direction. When talking about propaganda, he was the king of it during the start of the political party.  He understood the inner workings and was efficient. He struck over and over and over again at the emotions of the people.  Through his personal logic, he assaulted other’s emotions.

 

The next part would be deciding on the feeling-sensing-thinking-intuition personality. Right off the bat, I'm going to say that his information was not spoon-fed to him. Rather, he went out of his way to gather his own information.  People didn't tell him how to think and he didn't graft onto what other people said.  Instead, he had a strong core of ideas the he PERSONALLY challenged rather than other people challenged.  Rather than look at a specific example, he worked with systems.  The whole debate on education and him prior mentioning that reading should be used to distill the information and use it to create a modality that creates the core of your being means that Intuition>Sensing.  Rather than using the senses to gather information; he is using a framework -  systems of patterns that work together within the mind; in order to learn information through comparing and contrasting.  You cannot reduce everything into manageable bits.  That is the latin phrase:

 

Image result for avada kedavra

 

No.

 

Reductio Ad Absurdum - reduction to the point of absurdity.  Examples help illustrate a small point, but the message behind it is what matters.  Take Christianity and parables. They are short stories to show a theme.  The lesson isn’t ‘don’t steal the coin’.  The overall theme is ‘don’t steal and you will be rewarded in the end’.  That’s a system for living placed into a small story.  This is exactly how I learn as well and it's hard to explain why I understand this 'framework' idea but it parallels and makes perfect sense to me.

 

Maybe I can explain it this way:  If you have 3 examples of something happening, half of the people in the world will look at them as just that - separate events.  The other % of people will look at them as a reoccurring pattern.  This can be applied to anything.  You look at the parallels and compare/contrast the examples between each other and you find and underlying thread or motive.  He talks about history EXACTLY like this.  He talks about language EXACTLY like this - you should know the mechanics of something to work; rather than all the frivolous details.  Without a doubt, iNt>S.

 

The last one that is up for debate is going to Thinking vs Feeling.  While I feel my rambling above about iNtuition already sums up part of why he is T>F, I could probably expand on it.  Basic truths are what matters with T.  Whereas compromise is what matter with F.  It's not like 'well I only think, or I only feel'.  Everyone does both of those things but it's how the person approaches life.  Does someone approach it logically with caring PRIMARILY about being right, or does someone approach it more open for interpretation with PRIMARILY getting the best 'result' from working together?  When I word it like that, it seems pretty obvious.  T>F.

 

That means Introvert>Extrovert INtuition>Sensing Thinking>Feeling Judging>Perceiving.  INTJ.

 

With all of this rolling around in my head, I needed to know if I was right.  There's a reason in every single movie, the villain is portrayed with the rarest (my) personality type.  To the internets! 

Image result for welcome to the internet i'll be your guide

 

As it turns out, there is no consensus - with people saying he was INFJ or INTJ.  The reasoning that some people have for the F>T is that he was a warmer and more fatherly-like person.  I feel this is complete bullshit.  I'm a warm person and I always have been.  There have been people that I've met that know that instantly.  'Warm' or 'caring' does NOT = Feeling.  That seems to be someone that is taking a very very VERY limited understanding of what the characteristics are.  You can be warm but still not cater to other people.  That makes no sense.  The defining of this divide is based on the conviction that you have - your motives for why you are acting the way you are.  Ask yourself if it's more important to get along or to always be right. For me - it's always right. And the reason for this is because I feel there is an objective truth in everything.  That doesn't mean I'm not open to the reception of other people, but I would rather be right and piss someone off instead of cater backwards just to make an appeasement.  I'm well aware that it sounds like an asshole assumption that 'I'm right' is the answer, but in all of my arguments, I knew, I fucking KNEW that I was right and that was what mattered. I would go to any lengths to make sure that this was cemented into psyche and it's the reason I have never lost an argument in my entire life and why when people argue with me; they have no responses for what I bring up.  So I'm going to have to agree with the people that are countering INFJ and say that I'm right - INTJ for him.

 

I can shut down the INFJ-INTJ debate with one example that is being incorrectly cited: Jewish people.  The proponents of (F) are saying that because he was treated badly by Jewish people in his life, his whole method is through spite against them.  'Feelers' want to work in harmony. Do you think Hitler was creating harmony with all parties involved?  If you didn't laugh or at least scoff at the absurdity of me asking that question, there's a problem.

 

I disagree completely with the (F) statement. As I've mentioned before in working with systems, a (T) person would see the underlying issue of his misfortunes are all because of a certain people and according to his logic; it would make sense that the whole lot of them are a negative influence.  The basic 'truth' is what he concluded/distilled about this group; it's not him having a little hissy fit over a few of them treating him badly.  The example the people are using to prove he's a 'feeler' is complete horseshit and prove that he's a 'thinker' instead.

 

Hitler was making sense until his last step of ethnically cleansing people.  I mean, I think we can all agree that genocide is bad, mmkay?

Image result for mr mackey mmkay

 

Everything leading up to that makes perfect sense to me.  It’s crystal clear.  His problem was thinking that it was a divine right to cleanse the world to make a utopia.  He was working with a flawed logic.  He saw the the money-makers were the people that collected debts.  He saw that the tradesmen were a plague on the land – not creating anything (in a barter system. I use my pottery skill to make you cookware; you sew and crochet and make me a hat. We trade goods for goods.) and therefore were schemers living off of the backs of other's labor.

Image result for joker schemers quote

 

The only way to live is through striving for excellence.  Remember than cluster of numbers I spoke of about 20 pages/2 hours ago?  The one where you cut the bottom few #s and you boost the average?  Yeah, his plan was to flat out KILL those bottom few.  He saw those that were not part of his system as lower beings that were dragging down the overall population.

 

Today, we see that there are dregs in society that are wasting tax-payer’s time/money/resources. 

Image result for rorschach no

  

This is why, combined with watering down our standards, we have our culture the way it is.  His bold/assertive/free-thinking solution to the ‘problem’ was through mass purging.

 

‘Well Teros, what would you have done?’

 

Ok, super uncomfortable question, but fine.  If I was a crazed dictator that had the same thought-process and same background, etc; then all I would have done was prevented whoever I thought was ‘bad’ from breeding.  Like, mass sterilization.  That would have made my ‘utopian’ idea a reality within 1 generation.  And I also would not have been seen as much of a monster. What’s a worse news story:  Figurehead castrated millions. Or. Figurehead murders millions.  Hitler spoke of diluting the gene pool with all of these ‘horrible’ less-than-humans.  Well if that’s all he wanted to do, then he should have taken a looooooot of balls – not a lot of lives.  Then the ‘bad’ would die off and he could Make Germany Great Again.

Image result for ball pit

 

Overall, my reaction:

If you want something light and fun and whimsical, then don’t read this.  That should be obvious.  If you want to understand the phrase ‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’ then there is no better example of this.  Removing actual specifics, this is the story of a boy that was rejected by his family for pursuing his dreams, busting his ass, working with the people, understanding their plight, thinking for himself and doing his own research and learning, realizing that other people should have these qualities in life, saw the injustice in his community, looked at the systems that were in place, made an inaccurate assumption, and then proceeded to fight for what he felt was right in the world.  Without any background in knowing who the man was and what history books have said; the above generic paragraph sounds like a hero.  And doesn’t that seem extremely scary?  To know that the biggest villain in world history could come across as a hero of the people, a voice of the voiceless, who wanted nothing more than to create a better future for a people that he loved with all his heart?

 

This book is the ultimate mind-fuck.  He felt that he understood the objective truth. He was wrong.  This is a cautionary tale.  One that I honestly think should be mandatory reading in schools.  Maybe through this massive example, others can do like he wanted and learn to extract the knowledge of this example and be wiser in knowing how dark and cruel the world is, how manipulative the world is, and how easy it is for hatred to conquer reason and logic; and how given the right circumstances- how easily a tyrant can be born.

 

And so, this wraps up my… pretty much a fucking school essay (it’s 25 pages in Times New Roman, 12 font- without adding pictures).  Post number 10 thousand.  If you read this thing in its entirety, I salute you.  It must not have been easy to read the over 10 thousand words.

hitla10k_zpskapipcy8.png

 

 

Image result for bow gif

 

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Last post took a shitload of energy to post. Hot damn.  Ok, so my tally for the first week:

 

1) To post 10x per week. 5x for my own thread. 5x for other people.

2) Whole30 the rest of the challenge.  No exceptions barring having dinner with a friend of mine.

3) Walk 4x per week.

4) Stay on top of homework and get it done on Thursdays.  Thursday is homework day, damnit.

 

 

1) This should be post #4 out of 5.  Seeing as how the above post was 25 pages, I think it should count as two posts. I mean, seriously...  Also, I listed the 5 people that I checked up on.  My aim is to check those people again and then a couple more this week.  That way each week, I'm gradually checking up on more people. 

 

Image result for success kid

 

2) Whole30 - Going strong.  My sister has a gluten intolerance and was pawning a bunch of junk off of me.  I tried a Parmesan cracker and it was gross. I still think I'm at 99% for this so I'm good to go.  Also, it was a 1-time thing since all that crap is getting thrown out to the birds tomorrow. :P

 

3) I walked today.  That makes it 4 walks this week.  Bada-bing.

 

4) I got some homework done.  I want to get ahead and do some tomorrow as well.  I also got my Elderly Class group set up and have the project idea picked out.  I also have my Homeless Class meetup and group meeting for them on Thursday. Going according to plan without being too stressful.

 

----

 

So with that done, it's October 1st.  Which meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans:  New Book of the Month/ Game of the Month.

 

That means that I need to give my review of the game I just started and beat in the past 3 days (so technically I did an extra one but whatever, dude).

 

God Of War III :

 

Image result for god of war 3
 
(This won't be an insane wall of text compared to the book, lol)
 
Backstory about this game.  Now, I wrote that I broke 150 games/cd/dvds, but there were a couple that were spared.  This was one of them.  It was a game that I played a little bit and thought was 'ok' but then I had a corrupt game save and never went back to it.  I was too pissed off to bother.  I rented the game through Game-Fly.  Then I lost it...
 
I told them that I never got the game >.>  They send me another one. Thank God.  I played it for a bit, got bored, gave it back to my friend who had rented it.  About 2 years later, I was doing some furniture moving and there was a rattling inside my desk when I flipped it over.  Turns out, it fell behind the drawer and was underneath, in that little space below the drawer/in the bottom wooden piece.  After yanking the drawer off the hinges and rooting around - God of War III.  I didn't want to play it but I beat GoW 1 and 2.  Since it's a trilogy, I felt an obligation.
 
When I did my 150 media purge, I spared it... for now.  I was going to play it and see how I felt.  If it was awesome: keep.  If it was shit and I couldn't get into it: break.
 
My review [obviously game spoilers]:
 
You are thrown into the final battle between the Greek God Pantheon (Zeus/Hades/Poseidon/Hermes/Helios) VS the Titans (Gaia/Kronos/A bunch of no-name losers for some reason...)
 
You scale the cliffs on Gaia's back and there's a mini boss fight against Poseidon, where you fight a water-crab-horse.
 
Image result for god of war 3 poseidon boss fight

 

It was very grand, but it's still a stupid horse. Lots of generic enemies.  Then Poseidon himself you get to fight; he crashes into the ocean and a massive flood starts killing everyone as he dies.

 

*sweet*

 

This game is going to pull no stops.  Apocalypse is happening.  Then Gaia gets hurt and you fall into Hell.  You lose a shitload of power and you need to traverse the Underworld. Not much to say.  They do a 'meh' job of the underworld. Not very horror - more just a generic epic feeling.  For a solid and scary hell, look no further than Dante's Inferno.  However, the whole GAME of D.I. is in Hell so they better have gotten it right.

 

Kill some smaller Cerebuseses, a few Minotaurs, and a lot of random skeleton troops.  Puzzles and bland.  Fight Hades.  This shit is awesome:

 

Image result for god of war 3 hades

 

Hades has these purple meat-hook blades which are fucking awesome as hell.  I want them.  Now.  After a pretty sweet (but surprisingly hard) boss fight, Hades is killed and I get the meathooks.  All the souls of the damned escape Hell and terrorize the land.  Oh shit, son.

 

Some more running around temples as you climb back up into the real world.  You face Helios - with his chariot of light.  He's in charge of the son.  Unlike Hades picture, Helios looks just like some fucking scrub.

 

Image result for god of war 3 helios

 

Some Quick-Time-Events and he's done.  Good. He's a loser.  Oh, but then you RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF and use it as a lantern.

 

Image result for god of war 3 helios

 

Ok game, I was going to complain but that's actually pretty cool.  I'll allow it.

 

Wander some dark caves and fight more generic baddies.  Solve some more puzzles.  Eventually you get to the meat of this story:

 

Kratos (the hero and white+red baldy above), is out for vengeance for Zeus.  In a nutshell, the story here is the Kratos is a son of Zeus and a Spartan warrior. He had bloodlust.  He raided a town.  In his blind rage, he ended up murdering his wife and child.  Their ashes cover his skin and that's why he's powder-white.  He swore vengeance on the god of war, Ares - hence the first game's name.

 

Well, because of some pantheon politics and backstabbing, the main bad guy is Zeus so Kratos has to kill his own dad.

 

In order to do this, the massive chain that connects all the worlds (Hades to the regular world to Mount Olympus) needs to be broken.  Also, the power greater than a God needs to be wielded: it's in Pandora's Box.

 

Now if you think this is all cool, it is.... almost.

 

You see the problem is that the creator of the game wanted a simple story:   revenge against the god of war.  But it made so much money, that the producers demanded more games and more games.  I think there's 7 of them, but the 3-trilogy is what is 'canon'.  They've milked the series to death and made the storyline more and more absurd and confusing.  Characters are fairly flat and one-note.  It taps into a lot of cool lore, but it feels like.... It feels like there's no personality in this game.  It looks pretty and it's epic is scope but it's lacking actual depth for me, personally.

 

Anyways, on with the game.

 

Kratos goes up and down to try and work on breaking this chain and also to open Pandora's Box. When killing Helios, there are storm clouds and the whole land is blacked out.  Continuing on the killing-spree, Kratos then encounters Hermes.  This guy is such a weasely little shit.

 

After you chase him down, you get to cut off his legs and wear his boots.  Good.  Hated this guy:

Image result for god of war 3 hermes

 

Seriously - look at that stupid fucking visor-helmet thing.

 

Around this time, it's time for the sex minigame.

 

Wait, whut?

 

There's a sex mini-game.  With Aphrodite.

 

Quick-Time-Event.

 

Then you deal with Hephaestus, who I *think* is voiced by Rip Torn.  End up killing him. The way you kill him is just frigging... weird.  Like he tries to tell you that the Flame of Olympus is something you can't touch, but it has the power of the Gods and can kill Gods, so you need to get to Pandora's Box which is in the flame but it's surrounded by the huge world-chain.  Idk.  It gets convoluted.

 

One part that I thought was interesting was dealing with Hercules and Hera.  Hercules is Zeus-baby like Kratos so they are half-brothers.  Herc and Kratos have this pretty awesome fight on Mount Olympus.  Herc has these massive lion-faced gauntlets.  They end up being the coolest weapon in the game, as you can just punch people with these big shockwaves. 

Image result for god of war 3 hercules

 

Then the Garden of Hera.  Hera is a complete drunk and all of her plants are dying because of all the god-killing going on.  We have floods, disease, no sun, and spirits all over the place.  Kratos ends up killing both Herc and Hera.  More famine.  More puzzles.

 

By the end, Kratos is able to break the chain with those Herc gloves, go find Kronos (Wait, what?) Kill him to get a tiny little stone to have the made into a weapon (which sucks) and then it's on to unlock Pandora's Box.

 

Turns out though, that in order to unlock Pandora's Box, you need to use Pandora as a key.  She looks like a girl but isn't actually 'living'. Up until this point, Kratos has been, 'my vengeance. rage. BLAAAAAGH' but then he starts being more somber when with Pandora.  Apparently, it reminds him of his daughter that he killed. Fun times.

 

You unlock the labrynth and get Pandora, find the Box and the Flame of Olympus, and then it's time to fight Zeus (because everyone else is frigging dead now).  Pandora sacrifices herself to open the Box and Kratos has a sad. :(  What's in the box?!  A heaping helping of NOTHING!  Oh, it was all a ploy by Zeus (which makes no fucking sense) because you don't need anything 'special' to kills Gods.  I mean, he murdered like 3 titans and 8 gods over the course of the game.  You would think he would think that he can do this without an item. Stupid videogame logic.

 

Final Battle with Zeus

Image result for god of war 3 zeus battle

 

After a multi-part final battle, the lightning god is slain.  Sweet.  But then the story gets all fucking BAZONKERS.

 

You see, I haven't mentioned that Athena was murdered in the previous game by Kratos and she's been a guide for him.  She was telling him about Pandora's Box and that Zeus was super evil.  She mentions to Kratos at the very very very end that Pandora's Box held all sorts of negative stuff, but it also held 'hope'.  So Kratos secretly had the power of hope and that's what he used to defeat all the gods this whole time.

 

Ugh.........

 

If there's one thing I hate, and I mean REALLY hate; it's when 'hope/love' is an 'energy/power' that gets used to defeat something.

 

Image result for harry potter stone

 

*HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG*  So let me get this straight, game. You're telling me that the new god of war, the guy that killed everyone and everything, that wiped out the whole fucking civilization, the guy that was hellbent on revenge - is mr goody-two shoes embodiment of love?

 

FUCK YOU.  No, seriously.  Fuck you.  This franchise went from Badass revenge story into this quasi clusterfuck pantheon that was rehashing the same story pieces from previous games.  It's poorly put together, storywise and game MECHANIC wise.

 

In the end, Kratos stabs himself and he releases all of his fucking... hope juice... into the world. Athena is all like, 'but I needed that hope juice! stupid people don't know how to use hope juice!' and Kratos is all like,

 

Image result for wat

 

Image result for kratos god of war 3 ending

 

*stab self*

 

Now this stab wound is his ENTIRE chest. Look at the size of that sword.  That would give Cloud from Final Fantasy a boner.  The credits roll and Athena is just, pissed? *shrug*  After the credits, you see a trail of blood where Kratos was, implying that although he pulled a fucking hara-kiri, he's still alive.

 

Thoughts on this game:

 

It was cliche.  The first game did everything right and that's why the game company smashed this lore into the ground over and over and over again.  The game controls were horrific.  I started laughing half-way through as the fixed camera angles made me jump off of cliffs and insta-die.  Oh look, a cliff that should be north-northeast direction.  I'll jump like that and... *invisible wall* *falls to death*  *restart from last checkpoint*

 

"Sigh.  There's the cliff."  *invisible wall* falls to death* *restart from last checkpoint*

 

'Ok game... I get it.  Just fucking let me jump the 3 feet and continue on my- *falls to death* 

 

Image result for r u serious bro
 

This happened roughly 30 times.  In a game campaign that is maybe 6 hours, that's a SHITLOAD of falls for no reason.  It's not like I fucked up a puzzle or something.  It's bad angles.

 

The game itself felt very padded out.  There also was not enough fighting.  Plenty of quicktime events in boss battles, but something about this game felt very barebones.  Like it was thrown together.

 

So!  Now that I finally beat God of War 3, what am I doing with my copy?

 

I'm sorry, Kratos.  For lack of reply value, shitty story, and quasi-broken mechanics; there can be only ONE Spartan...

 

WIN_20161001_21_50_59_Pro_zpss5jruxn9.jp

 

 

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That was a lot to catch up on, but in here offering my support

Sent from my SM-G925T using Tapatalk

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Level 25 Final Fantasy Rebel

My Epic Quest | My Journey | Currently on the Trial of Orthos
Str: 60 | Dex: 23 | Sta: 66 | Con: 28 | Wis: 55 | Cha: 14

Goals for 2021:

Spoiler
  • Build my brother a Destiny 2 Lamp
  • Learn how to do a Handstand
  • Play 1 song on the acoustic guitar
  • Clean up the Christmas Decorations and finish setting up my apartment (hang things up, plus some other few things that need to be organized)
  • Re-introduce Pull-ups into my routine
  • Build a shelving unit next to my Desk

"No matter what, if you can hold your head up high, you've done the right thing."

"When you stand with your family, your family stands with you."

"Write what needs to be written."

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On 9/26/2016 at 5:46 PM, Merrin said:

 1I smashed the very first Valentine's present he ever gave me. I smashed it over and over until there wasn't one piece left larger than a finger. I burned clothing from him, and the smoke smelled terrible, and I fucking reveled in it, like I knew there was toxic energy in that shit, and I was letting it go. 

 

2It sucks so much to have things get 'ruined' by a relationship. There are several movies and games I have now that I hate, but I haven't gotten rid of them...yet. Clothes, still, that made me feel uncomfortable but he insisted on when we would go out. Like I was a dress-up accessory.

 

3I hacked off a third of my hair (side shave) because he always wanted me to keep my hair long. And I got to say FUCK THAT. 

 

4You are so fucking real and raw and honest in all of this. I have no idea how hard it might be to go over your story in such fine detail, to some total strangers.

 

5I'd appreciate you popping into my thread, even tho I'm a Ranger now. (IDK if it matters, we're all nerds, Class is just the stuff you focus on, I guess?) I don't write about my depression, but I could, because having a sounding board on the internet again will probably help. (I miss Livejournal.) 

 

6You've risen from the ashes as a Phoenix. Now, the Universe wants you to know you are Indestructible. With all you've gone through, I think the Universe is right. Keep with it, man. You've got this. 

 

Part1: I kept one item that deals with her.   One.  There's just some reason that I need it.  You ever do something and wonder 'why am I doing this?' and then later in life go, 'Oh, that's why!'  Hard to explain, but it's like that.

 

Part2: Like what, specifically?

 

Part3: I'd like to see. :)

 

Part4: There's a wealth of other information that I don't touch on.  I've tried to organize it in massive posts like the one above; but I have a blessing/curse, depending on how you look at it:  I can't forget.  As I put together information, I try and go with the stream of consciousness but some of these huge posts really only scratch 10% of what I could go into detail.  You saying that I have detail now is interesting because with certain parts; I'm actually being vague. There are entire fine-detail memories that don't ever see to fade.

 

Like, I may have said "felt rejection" in that above story; but I have stories about that.  I remember what she said, how she said it. I remember what a fight was about.  I remember the scoff.  I remember specific words.  I could paint a picture of a single 'event' that is glossed over in only a sentence in the above post.  Notice how in the above post, I never mentioned the time that she was standing in the doorway and I yelled at her to HIT ME because then I might feel something from her?  Yeah.... that's not even discussed above.

 

Part5: I did :P  And I used to use LiveJournal as well. I seemed to jump on the social media bandwagon before it got popular.  I know that makes me sound 'hipster' but I remember when MySpace was bands, Livejournal was empty, and Facebook were for students only.

 

Part6: Thank you.

 

 

On 9/27/2016 at 4:12 AM, HappyCat said:

Ive been away WAY too long. I remember you being in an unhappy relationship, but apparently a LOT has happened since then. Sounds like you've been to hell and back, but you've got a better understanding of yourself and what you want from life. 

 

Looking forward to seeing how things unfold for you.

 

Oh, there's a train station in my brain that commutes to hell and back.

 

How I deal with issues is I collect all the information and stew about it for a while.  Then, something will happen (maybe a friend will cancel on plans, someone will say something nice/mean to me, whatever) and that will make me sit in my chair and 'zone out' for a long time.  Sometimes 3 or more hours, completely lost in thought.  I look at my brain as more of a multi-tiered world that a character is exploring.

 

Go down deep into the ancient ruins and figure out why 'abandonment' means such a big deal.  Shut up the chattering voices of self-doubt by challenging them to a dual. 

 

Image result for subconscious iceberg

 

Now here's the thing - I'm able to do what a lot of people don't/can't do: tap the unconscious mind.  I've known more about myself when I was a teenager than most people know in their 30s/40s+. 

 

You ever play the 'Why' game?  Just say 'why' after every sentence and see where it takes you.  Little kids do this. 

 

Parent:  You can't have fruit-roll ups for breakfast

Kid: Why?

Parent: Because then you'll get a tummy ache

Kid: Why?

Parent: Well... because fruit-rolls ups aren't good for you

Kid: Why?

Parent: There's all sorts of chemicals and processed shit in them

Kid: Why?

Parent: Well because companies need to make money and this is how they make money

Kid: Why?

Parent: *Sigh*  Because it's easy to fool people into eating garbage food instead of nutritious food!

Kid: Why?

Parent: Because we grow up on garbage food and that's all we eat so we're used to it!

Kid: Why?

Parent: *grrrrrrrrrrr* Because we're poor and can't afford really good stuff!

Kid: Why?

Parent: Because mommy and daddy didn't pay attention in school, ok?  Ok?!  So we need to work harder jobs to put food on the table.

Kid: Why?

Parent: *pissed* Because life's not fair!

Kid: Why?

Parent: Because there are bad people in the world and-

Kid: Why?

Parent:  I DON'T KNOW, JUST SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR CORN FLAKES FOR BREAKFAST!

 

-

 

The truth makes people uncomfortable.  The above could have gone on and on and where do you think the end result would be?  The more specific examples fade out and you start talking in generalities. Start talking in trends and working with systems of thought.  Start talking abstractly.  That is when things get interesting.  The problem is that most people never scratch past that surface.  They stop the logic train or stream of consciousness at about the point my example stopped it.

 

Look hard at the direction that the conversation was going.  It was heading towards money, self-issues, challenging the world-view, and then to fears and doubts.

 

I can tell you that I have a fear of abandonment.  It makes me who I am.  That only came through asking 'why' or by playing devil's advocate my entire life.  It only came through questioning and digging and digging and digging; and I honestly feel that I've done more digging than the overwhelming majority of people.

 

On 9/27/2016 at 9:47 AM, Sylvaa said:

Oh my friend.

 

You know that I am here for you and your challenge in whatever ways you need. (Is that dinner comment a hint?)

 

Rock on.

 

Dinner comment *might* be. :rolleyes::redface:

 

On 9/28/2016 at 7:01 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

My current challenge is here if you wanna drop by

 

Indeedy-did.  Shoot me a message when you get a chance, concerning what we were talking about last night (or early am for you).  Also, kitty is cute.

 

On 9/28/2016 at 5:24 PM, EricMN said:

Caught up with you.

 

Definitely a double introvert fail. Fortunately I kept a transcript of the whole thing for the benefit of everyone else.

anewgirlgif.gif

 

Fairly accurate. Although in all fairness, I'm assuming you were pretty hammered down with having just done a Spartan.  I never did the elite version but I know how much those (in general) take a toll on physical and mental energy.  Also, your GF was lovely.  She seemed to talk more when you had left the table.

 

On 9/29/2016 at 1:16 AM, Tateman said:

1Well, I can honestly say that I can identify with a lot of what you wrote. Man, the NF burnout is brutal. It's still been taking me forever to really get back into the forums like I want too. I get back to thinking how no one even cares what I post up anyway, since no one replies. But that's only because I stop posting to my own thread, and even other people's threads haha.

  

2Hey, at least you didn't follow my path, and gain just about all your weight back. Even when I wasn't posting here, I was trying to check in on some of you guys. I was glad to see you still moving on.

 

3I told my trainer the other day, that things are starting to click again. I am beginning to get that feeling back. I hope you are getting that inner fire going again. Off shooting a crossbow, and shotgun. Sounds like you are ion your way :)

I'll be following along, and trying to support as much as I can. 

 

Part1: Same for me.  I think that no one really cares that much, but I realize that my goals aren't done.  In fact, I've done maybe 40% of what I intend to do.  So considering all that I HAVE done so far, there's a shitload coming around.

 

Part2: I've had some slip-ups but I've been able to stay on an overall downward trend.  When I sprained my foot, I was scared as hell that this would make me spiral into a depression and then food would come back with a vengeance.  While I did spiral down and had a few weeks where I was fucking up ROYALLY, I was able to catch myself. 

 

I think the biggest thing for me is isolation.  When I'm in a craving mood, if there is food to tempt me; I cave in.  If I can sort of... "quarantine" myself while I'm craving, then I'm fine.  This is why it was impossible when I was in a relationship.

Image result for outbreak movie

 

 

Part3: Awesome dude, are you going to interval jogging, weights, something else?  I tried Batman Lessons a couple months ago and as soon as my foot sprain is 100% ok, I'm going back to it.

 

On 9/29/2016 at 1:18 PM, Kelley Gammell said:

*hug* that is all. Keep on rocking Teros

 

Thankee :)

 

3 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

zJOk28c.jpg

 

I debated adding that gif, honestly.  So damn close.

 

13 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

1I finished 1 & 2 and never bothered with 3. 

 

2Oh, BTW - HI! I'm just chilling in my battle log for now. No guarentees of posts with anythink like consistency or . . . you know. . . substance. 

 
Part1:
Yeah the first one was great. The second one was a little rehash but still ok.  This 3rd one..

 

Part2:

 
Image result for character is what you have left

 

You being you is enough. :)

 

-----

 

It's OCTOBER!

 

 

 

That means it's time to decide...... BOOK OF THE MONTH AND GAME OF THE MONTH.

 

Aight, so here's the thing; I have a couple of each for the month of October.  That means it's not technically one in a month.  My options are as follows.

 

Books:

 

#1) Diary of Anne Frank - Considering I just read

Image result for hitler carpet

 

I feel it only makes sense to read the opposite as a sort of 'palette cleanser'.  I've never read good ole AF's diary before and also, it seems like it would be an easy read.

 

#2) Communist Manifesto - in the same vein as reading AF, I feel it would make sense to read the opposite ideas expressed.  It's also a short book so I think I could bang out both #1 and #2 in the month of October.

 

#3) Collection of Horror Stories By H.P. Lovecraft - I've had this book for years.  I started reading it and then my interest tapered off.  Seeing as how I tried again and finished '120 Days of Sodom' and did the same with 'Mein Kampf', I kind of want a hat trick to finish all 3 out of 3.  Also, it's horror stuff and it would only make sense to read this book in the month of October.

 

---

Games:

 

#1) Batman: Arkham Origins - I tried this for a bit (again, years ago) but I never got through it.  I didn't like how it played.  I'm going to try this again.

 

#2) Batman: Arkham Knight - This one I played for 30 minutes or so and I HATED the first mission and was off-put by it.  It was more Arkham Origins stuff and I didn't feel a *click*.  I think the problem with both of these Batman games is the Trilogy seriously brought my expectations up so high and these games aren't the 'same' Batman.  I've felt 'meh'.

 

#3) Dead Space 2 - I have beaten this game before and I love this game.  It's a horror game and it's a quick play (maybe 8 hours total).  With this being Halloween, a horror game is a must.

 

#4) Dante's Inferno - Another game that I've beaten and love.  I think that this game is a little shorter than Dead Space 2; clocking in around 6ish hours.  Again, Halloween horror.

 

#5) Dead Space 3 - Because of a glitch when I had GameFly, I got this game for free without them knowing. 

 

Image result for spiderman 3 meme face

 

Then when I played it, I realized there was less horror and more 'shoot other people in the face', which kind of ruined it for me.  I kept it because I don't think I really gave it a chance and since I love the previous game, it warrants a look.

 

---

 

So those are my options. 

 

On board for today - I need to contact the D.S. at my school and look into some stuff.  I need to copy+paste my answers into the Elderly Class homework.  I also think that maybe...just maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe.... I could try getting AHEAD of my homework so I have less stress.  It's an idea.  Lastly, I'll post a new racetrack for the minis.

 

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Part1: Not hard to explain at all. Truth is, there's one or two little things I might always keep, just...because. 

 

Part2: By specifics, do you mean the movies/games thing, or the clothes? The clothes were gone once I moved out/changed jobs/got with someone who has an actual fashion sense. Movies/games...I can't finish FFXII; because it reminds me of a fight, and then that thought spiral escalates. I don't bother with Christopher Moore books anymore, because that was the only thing he liked to read. I nearly tossed my Palahniuk because I had bought them as presents, then reclaimed when they never got read. I basically hate new Doctor Who and the West Wing because it's all he wanted to watch. Shit like that.

 

Part3: I'll try to get a good selfie of my haircut tonight and figure out how to post pics from my phone.

 

Part4: My brain seems to forget somewhat easily, if I let it. That 'fight' about the video game? Lasted two hours. I went to bed crying. All because I accidentally tripped over a controller cord and unhooked the system, and also crashed into a wall and hit a window ledge with my face. He was angrier about his broken game file than he was concerned about me. 

 

Part5: We're both hipsters!

 

Part6: Welcome.

Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3

17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Battle Log

Epic Quest!

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7 hours ago, Teros said:

Part1: Same for me.  I think that no one really cares that much, but I realize that my goals aren't done.  In fact, I've done maybe 40% of what I intend to do.  So considering all that I HAVE done so far, there's a shitload coming around.

 

Part2: I've had some slip-ups but I've been able to stay on an overall downward trend.  When I sprained my foot, I was scared as hell that this would make me spiral into a depression and then food would come back with a vengeance.  While I did spiral down and had a few weeks where I was fucking up ROYALLY, I was able to catch myself. 

 

I think the biggest thing for me is isolation.  When I'm in a craving mood, if there is food to tempt me; I cave in.  If I can sort of... "quarantine" myself while I'm craving, then I'm fine.  This is why it was impossible when I was in a relationship.

Image result for outbreak movie

 

Oh yeah. I have been really bad with food temptations too. Sometimes I can avoid it, but it like to just creep there in the back of your head. It's hard havign stuff around the house here to tempt me.

 

As for exercise, I've been doing all kinds of things. I usually go warm up on the treadmill for 5 minutes or so. Then it's whatever the trainer wants to do. I've don't some boxing, some sprints, jumping, burpees, some free weights, and lots of stuff on the trx system they have there. The biggest thing, is that I am getting things continually going. It's becoming a routine, and not something for me to sit there and talk myself out of going.

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11 hours ago, Teros said:

 

Oh damn, you must have posted while I was still writing my last post.  How's it going. :)

 

Ha ha ha, No worries, Teros. It's been going fantastically! Check out my thread for the most recent thing going on in my life. (Basically, I got accepted into a Master's Program)

Level 25 Final Fantasy Rebel

My Epic Quest | My Journey | Currently on the Trial of Orthos
Str: 60 | Dex: 23 | Sta: 66 | Con: 28 | Wis: 55 | Cha: 14

Goals for 2021:

Spoiler
  • Build my brother a Destiny 2 Lamp
  • Learn how to do a Handstand
  • Play 1 song on the acoustic guitar
  • Clean up the Christmas Decorations and finish setting up my apartment (hang things up, plus some other few things that need to be organized)
  • Re-introduce Pull-ups into my routine
  • Build a shelving unit next to my Desk

"No matter what, if you can hold your head up high, you've done the right thing."

"When you stand with your family, your family stands with you."

"Write what needs to be written."

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I was reading a book today and I felt like I should hug my mom.

 

I did.

 

She cried.

 

This just happened 10 minutes ago so I'm trying to copy everything from the conversation while it's fresh in my memory.  It went something like this:

 

Mom: *sobbing*

 

Me:  Whoa whoa whoa, what's going on?

 

Mom:  I'm so fucking miserable.  I'm so depressed and I can't deal with this anymore.

 

Me: What do you mean? What's happening?

 

Mom: I can't handle any of this shit anymore.  I hate... everything.  I fucking hate everything.  I can't keep taking care of the dogs.  I can have them for a little bit but that's it.  I can't keep taking care of stuff.  I hate this food. I hate this stuff over here.  I hate how I live. You think I like living with this?

 

Me:  Then why not throw all this shit out?  It's all disgusting.

 

Mom:  I waiting for [sister] to get one of those big dumpsters and then I was going to throw this shit out.  I sorted through some papers.

 

Me:  ....k?

 

Mom:  I have nothing to look forward to at all. There's nothing for me.  I'm just going to die.  All my joints ache.  I can't take [I forget med] to help with that and so I'm just living like this.  I hate living like this!

 

Me:  Well then have something to live for.

 

Mom:  *slaps knee* Yeah ok! Like what!?

 

Me:  I don't know. That's what you're supposed to figure out.  Find out something that you want to do and work on it. If you hate things then work on changing them.

 

Mom:  I wanted to take a train... I just [mess of words] there's nothing that I have.  I hate EVERYTHING. Do you know what that's like? To just hate everything in your life?  I don't know if you can understand.

 

Me:  <_<  Yeah. I know what that's like.  I hated everything for a long time. *thinks about saying everything I hated*

 

Mom:  Yeah right!  No you didn't.  What could you hate that- *I cut her off*

 

Me:  I hated everything in my life and that's why I burned 95% of the shit that I had. So yeah, I know what it's like to hate everything. I hate my job too and school and-

 

*she cuts me off*

 

Mom: But there's a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel for you! You're young!  There's so much to live for!

 

Me:  *clearly she doesn't get what I'm trying to say here*  So then make your own light to look forward to.

 

Mom:  I'm stuck! I have to pay bills.  I'm still working. I had over half a million dollars saved up but...that...went away (She gave all of it to bail my sister and her piece of shit husband out of severe debt...multiple times).

 

Mom:  My insulin costs skyrocket  *I start thinking about maybe if she ate better, like instead of cake and pizza...*

 

Mom: And these cats!  I hate these fucking cats!  If I knew a good home that they could go to, I would give them both away right now.  I... I had a serious talk with [sister] and I said that maybe we should get rid of the dogs.  They just don't stop barking.  They don't stop peeing on things.

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Me:  *IN MY HEAD*

 

 

 

Oh, who said that I wasn't doing anything right with the dogs for 5 years and now after less than 5 months is thinking of getting RID of them?  What's that?  Oh, do you smell that?

 

Is that....hypocrisy?

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mom: If they could just tell us that they need to go to the bathroom.

 

Me:  It's not about that.  They are marking territory and you're not being the alpha dog.

 

Mom: Yeah yeah.

 

Me: I told you over and over again what you are supposed to be doing

 

Me: Then look into getting training.

 

Mom:  I told [bro-in-law] and he said he knew someone but then he never called.

 

Me:  *thinks to self...why not just ASK him again, then?  DUH?*

 

Mom:  I don't get a moment to myself.  I don't sleep.  I can't relax at all.

 

Me: Well you could just put them in the crate or leave them next door.

 

Mom:  *before I finish the sentence, she's already shaking her head*

 

Mom: No. No.  No, I can't do that.  You think I would be able to relax and be ok if I know that they are there!?

 

Me:  Well this option isn't working, soooo.....

 

Mom:  I feel guilt all the time.  It' just eats away at me.  If I do anything then I feel guilty.

 

Me: And you realize that guilt is self-inflicted, right?  No one is making you feel guilty in this.

 

Me:  Have you ever thought of talking to a therapist about this.

 

Mom:  *scoffs and waves her hand away*  *This makes me feel awesome about being a social worker and future therapist...* >.>

 

Mom: What're they gonna say, huh?!  What are they going to think of that I haven't thought of already?

 

Me: Well, you could just continue to hate yourself and die instead, if you think that you've thought of everything.

 

*I start walking away, dejected. It's clear that she says she has no hope, and instead of trying to reason with her, she shoots down anything with a 'i can't' or 'it has to be like this'.  I've had similar talks like this with her for YEARS now and it always ends up the same.  This is not new material.*

 

Mom:  Is this how you would act with your patients?  Just give up?

 

Me:  Well tell me what you want me to do.

 

Mom:  Nothing!  There's nothing to do!

 

Me:  Are we supposed to have the exact same conversation over and over for the next hour?  You know what? I would leave my patient because if I had a patient that refused to change anything in their life because 'that's just me' and refused any sort of help then they are wasting my time and their own time.

 

Mom:  I'll think of something

 

*under my breath. 'no you won't'*

 

*leaves and starts writing this*

 

Here's the thing: I would take the dogs back IF I WASN'T GOING TO BE JUDGED AND I WAS LEFT ALONE.  As it stands right now - she can go insane.  Fine.  She 'can't' think of anything else, then she's making herself miserable.  It feels awful but at the same time, she needs to be the one to pull her head out of her ass. If she hates all of her stuff, then throw it out.  If she really wanted dog lessons, then ask him again.  If she really wanted to sleep better, then she should clean off her fucking bed.  If she really hated the cats that much, she should start asking people at work.  If she can't handle the dogs, she should ask me.  But NOPE!  She's "cant" do anything.  Woe is her.

 

It's painful seeing weak people struggle and wishing they were better.

 

 

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On 10/1/2016 at 8:57 PM, Teros said:

Around this time, it's time for the sex minigame.

 

Wait, whut?

 

There's a sex mini-game.  With Aphrodite.

Yeah out of all the things, this was the one I had to google. Just to get 'how is this a minigame?'

 

2 hours ago, Teros said:

It's painful seeing weak people struggle and wishing they were better.

 

Thanks for sharing, and knowing your own limits. *gold star* (yes dumb, but I personally think it was well deserved here).

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Larger than Average Fairy Druid Level 1

10 STR / 8 DEX / 10 CON / 13 INT / 13 WIS / 17 CHA

(DnD Stats)

 

 

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