Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: A Journey of a Million Baby Steps

[spryte]

Ok, take two as the site ate my first attempt. 

Self-Compassion The Often Missing Ingredient In Healthy Eating

 

I joined the Nerd Fitness Academy several years ago. At the time, I was in the middle of what I would later realize was some form of an eating disorder that sort of resembled orthorexia. I started removing food groups from my diet, and trying to eat a restrictive "clean" diet because of digestive problems that I was having (which I later realized were due to extreme amounts of stress due to a really unhealthy relationship). I would eat "clean" for a few months, and then I would fall off the wagon. I would go back to eating clean for a while and then fall off the wagon. I did more and more reading coming from several different clean eating camps, all of which predicted doom, gloom and death if I didn't eat cleanly. I developed more and more anxiety around food. I swung through cycles of being too exhausted to cook clean food, too poor to eat clean food, and fiercely dedicated to eating a diet free of sugar, processed foods, and grains. When I was eating clean, I felt good about myself. I was "good". My inner critic would be quiet. It didn't matter that I was so exhausted there were days I couldn't get out of bed, or walk up my stairs because my carbs were so low, and I wasn't capable of affording, or even eating, enough clean food. When I was "off the wagon", I was a total piece of crap. I had no will power. I didn't deserve to complain about being fat, or unhealthy because I was doing it to myself. I was "cheating". I was killing myself with every mouthful. My digestive problems only increased - and of course, it had to be from the devil food I was eating, not the fact that I was stressing myself out so much about fueling my body. Needless to say, after purchasing NFA, I never got around to the workouts. I was too tired, and too wrapped up in my food issues. 

 

Not only was I not able to stick to any health related goals, I had gotten to the point where I couldn't do anything. I was stuck to my couch, watching Supernatural for the fifth time. I wanted to be cleaning my apartment, doing my laundry, going to bed on time, taking better care of myself, learning how to play the piano I'd bought for myself. I wasn't doing any of those things, and as far as I was concerned, I was failing at being even a basic human being, let alone one who could actually achieve any sort of success doing anything else. 

 

Then I tripped over a concept called Demand Resistance, or Demand Sensitivity. The gist of both things is "You're not the boss of me." From the book Too Perfect, the definition is, "A chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands, from within or without.” I am a perfectionist. However, I am the kind of perfectionist who becomes absolutely inert under the pressure to be perfect, or to live up to my own, absolutely unattainable, expectations. I had an Inner Rebel who was fighting me every step of the way every time I tried to motivate myself, because the only way I knew how to motivate myself was through shame and guilt and emotional abuse. It's how I was raised, it's how many people in authority in my life thought motivation should be done. No one ever said to me, "It's ok to fail. It doesn't mean you're a bad person." 

 

So whether it was my diet, fitness, showering regularly, or going to bed on time, it was either do it and feel the warm glow of moral "goodness", or don't do it and feel the constant berating of my inner drill sergeant, humiliating me and making me "evil." It had gotten to the point where my Inner Rebel would just stomp her foot and say, "You're not the boss of me!" with every "I should be..." "I ought to..." "I need to...." I didn't do things because I wanted to any more. I did things because deadlines were looming, or just to relieve the pressure of self-hatred. My Inner Rebel was trying to save me from myself. I wanted to make so many changes, but not because I wanted to be healthier, or more creative, I wanted to make them because I thought I was a piece of crap that needed improving. 

 

When I realized the tug of war that was going on between me and my Inner Rebel, especially around food, I dropped one end of the rope and decided to allow my Inner Rebel to just have her way for a while. The first time I went grocery shopping and set a goal to just, buy what I wanted to without weighing each item's healthfulness, and not count the "unhealthy/cheat" foods in my basket, it was a revelation. I started reading some materials on Intuitive Eating, some of which suggested just allowing yourself to eat what you want, to "refeed" essentially. They promised that if you had items that you had banned because you couldn't keep from eating all of them, if you just allowed yourself to have as much as you wanted, your cravings would essentially run their course. It was crazy. It was counter intuitive. It was terrifying for someone who had a long list of "not allowed in the house" foods, someone who absolutely didn't want to gain weight, someone who had become so afraid of food. It was an interesting theory though, one which I thought I could experiment with. 

 

I bought cereal. I bought Oreo's. I bought ice cream. All things on my "can't have it in the house" list. I let myself eat whatever I wanted. Interestingly, it wasn't the oreo's, cereal, or ice cream that I ended up bingeing on. Sour cream. Something that I hadn't really even restricted in the past. When I lifted all of my restrictions, and promised my Inner Rebel that she could have whatever she wanted, it was sour cream that she went crazy with. For a month or so, I put sour cream on everything. I ate those tiny little microwave burritos when I got home from work, with sour cream. There were some nights there was more sour cream on the plate than there was burrito. I stopped just short of sitting down with a pint of sour cream and a spoon. My body wanted All The Calories, and All The Fats.

 

I had never thought of myself as a "yo-yo dieter" because I'd started on the health food journey because of actual health concerns, not to lose weight. And even though I'd go 10, 16, 19 hours without eating, I didn't think of myself as "fasting". My body had no idea when I was going to give it food, or whether or not it was going to get enough calories, or nutrients when I did. 

 

And just like the Intuitive Eating people said, after a while, it tapered off and I was no longer over indulging in anything. Maybe I ate an entire package of Oreo's a few times, or a whole box of cereal in a day or two. But now, two years later, I do not have a list of "can't bring it into the house" foods. I don't binge on things like that anymore. I still have issues around knowing when I'm full when it comes to actual meals, but snack foods, I have far less of a problem with now. 

 

My digestive issues, within the first two weeks of me dropping that tug of war rope, started to drastically improve. I've since learned just how much anxiety can affect the digestive system, and now I can see the connections between regular stress, and my 3 anxiety disorders, and my digestion. 

 

And all of my "adrenal fatigue" symptoms, which I'd literally spent thousands of dollars on trying to fix with different supplement protocols and hair testing, nearly harming myself with some very strange protocols, seemed to magically disappear. The exhaustion that I was feeling started to lift, my hair stopped falling out, my air hunger went away. I still have days when that stuff comes back, but I can always trace it back to having slacked off from eating mindfully and making sure that I eat consistently, and am getting enough calories. 

 

I still have some emotional and disordered issues around food that I'm trying to resolve but I'm no longer tearing myself apart for eating less healthful foods. 

 

I still have some health issues that I'm struggling with, and I gained a lot of weight over the last two years. However, I am happier. I'm also in a place now where I feel like I can start tentatively approaching food and fitness in a gentle, compassionate and mindful way that won't trigger me. 

 

Here are the things that I'm focusing on now:

Food - 

I'm using the YouFood Android app to become more mindful of what I'm eating. I was really good last week about logging all my meals while I was at work. It allows you to just take a picture of what you ate, so it's a photographic log rather than calorie counting. I was never good at counting macros. It's not sustainable for me, and because of that, it's triggering.

I want to work on more consistent logging/logging while I'm at home and on my days off. I'm not beating myself up when I don't log. 

 

I'm easing into drinking more water. I did replace my afternoon work soda with water. I'm still drinking giant soda's occasionally in the evenings with the Mr. I'm limiting it to a 32oz cup rather than the larger one. I'm not beating myself up when I'm drinking it. 

 

While I'm not counting calories, I'm looking at serving sizes on things, and taking note of the calories. I was shocked the other day when I saw that Tyson's frozen chicken nuggets, something that I'd been eating entire plate fulls of, have a serving size of 5. 5 chicken nuggets is the suggested serving size and one serving size has 280 calories.

 

Mindful eating. I'm currently working on figuring out when I am actually hungry, and when I'm just bored, or emotionally eating. I'm just taking note of things for now. "Yes, I'm eating this unhealthy and expensive restaurant meal because I had an awful day." I'm not beating myself up for that. I'm not yet trying to change the behavior. I'm just taking note of it. Becoming mindful of my motivations.

 

I'm also actively working on trying to figure out when I am full, and putting my fork down. I have had some real wins lately when it comes to this. I've stopped eating and either put the food away, or given the few last bites which I always have a hard time throwing away, to the dog. I'm still over eating. I'm not beating myself up about it. 

 

I'll go over physical stuff in a later post. 

 

[spryte]

It's only noon and I already have several wins under my belt for the day.

• I ate this morning when I was hungry.
• I logged what I ate on YouFood
• I stopped eating as soon as I was full, put my bowl down for a while, distracted myself so I wouldn't obsess about it, and then decided that I was really full and put the rest away for later. 
• I went grocery shopping. I bought breakfast things, snack things, and lunch things. I bought emergency "for the hard days" things. I bought some healthy and not so nutritious stuff and I didn't once chastise myself for any of the less nutritious stuff. 
• I bought one pair of new workout pants, a sports bra, a workout tank top, and a workout hoodie. 

[spryte]

My physical goal right now is just to get moving in a way that doesn't leave me hurting so badly that I don't want to do it anymore. For years, I have struggled with, what I consider excessive DOMS after working out. I feel just fine while I'm doing it, but then a day later I'm hurting so badly I feel like I've actually strained muscles. If it were just that, I might be ok with the explanation that every one has given me, that it IS just DOMS and nothing to be worried about. 

 

However, I've experienced this muscle pain after even the most mundane physical activities. I pull muscles really easily. I can pull a muscle by getting out of the car wrong, or turning over in bed wrong. I have been confused about why my arm hurts so much only to realize that the day before I carried an 11 lb bag of dog food from the back of the store to the front. Even the most non acrobatic sexy time with my Mr. leaves me feeling not just sore, but in actual pain. So much so that I have to weigh that against the benefits of the sexy times. 

 

I go through periods where I feel like I'm having a "flare up" of inflammation in my body. Like right now. My joints ache. My whole body just aches, from my feet to my hands and fingers. I need to make a doctors appointment. 

 

So, this summer I realized how much I love swimming. I've gone swimming as often as I could in pools and the ocean. I can just tread water for a long time, which may not raise my heart rate but it IS movement, and I don't feel hurty the next day. Last week, I got a gym membership with a friend from work, and we did laps. Sort of two was about either of us could manage, lol. 

 

I looked up "workouts for fat people" and found this video which I'm going to download to my tablet and take with me to the gym next week. 

Chris Powell Level 1 Beginners Workout - 15 minutes

 

My goal is to get to a point where I can approach the NF warm up. Watching the videos for that, I knew that that in and of itself is going to be a challenge for me, before I even get to the beginners body weight stuff. 

 

The other reason I got the gym membership is because I want to walk. I've been wanting to walk for so long, but I live in Florida. It's too hot. I get over heated too easily and then I feel sick. I come home and can't do anything else. In addition to the heat, I recently learned that I'm allergic to like, 50 things outside and I have really bad allergies. Last year, I had some upper respiratory thing that kept coming back and turning into bronchitis and at least two of the times it resurfaced it was exacerbated by my allergies and me spending time outside. So, I'll pay for the luxury of walking on a treadmill, inside. 

 

I'm focusing on drinking lots more water, and upping my magnesium supplements to see if that helps at all with the aching. 

[spryte]

Took the two days that I was off work, off from the gym and went back today. I wasn't able to do the workout I wanted to because I miscalculated the time the classroom would be empty. I would like to get to the back room in the next few days to clean it up a bit. There will be plenty of floor space to do what I want to do back there and once I have the routine down and don't need my tablet I can just listen to the audio and do it in the little area they have set up for stretching. It's big and there's never anyone over there. 

 

Wins for the day

• I drank more water today. 
• I went to the gym even though I was tired, and super blah at work
• I walked for 30 minutes at 2.5 mph 
• I talked to a girl in the locker room about headphones
• I logged everything but my dinner today
• I ate a total of four times today
• I over ate at dinner a bit but the last part was delicious roasted cabbage. I was tired so let the dude do dinner and the rest of it wasn't as nutritious. 

I seem to be dragging ass but the two things I want to get done soon are getting that back room cleaned up, and getting a journal so I can make a bullet journal specifically for my habits/mental health/physical stuff/fitness

[spryte]

I didn't go to the gym today. There was the hurricane and my gym buddy called off. I need to start taking days in between and just start with three solid days, every other day. At least until I'm feeling better. 

 

-I ate four times today plus a mini ice cream cone lots of veggies

-I didn't beat myself up over not going to the gym, I recalibrated myself to my actual goal which is just...go from - completely inert to - moving my body more in ways I enjoy. Even going to the gym twice a week is hitting that goal. 

-I am recognizing that I am hurting, and I am exhausted, and I am not pushing myself to do anything more than what needs to be done. 

-I did manage to cook the beef in the fridge before it went bad so we can have healthy food tomorrow

 

[spryte]

Woke up an hour earlier than I needed to, couldn't go back to sleep due to intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Got up and got my stuff together early, made sure I had breakfast/snack/meal for work. Had an extra shot of espresso to get going. Hurting a lot. Took some alleve and glucosomine early in the day, wore my gloves to warm my hands, felt good enough to go to the gym. 

 

Wins for the day

-walked 30 minutes at 2.5mph

-declined when gym buddy asked twice to try other machines. Explained again that I am taking baby steps, and that if I do even 10 minutes on one of the other cardio machines I'll regret it. 

-sat in hot tub which was heaven, except for the awful, horrible, obnoxious woman that was making everyone so super uncomfortable screaming about politics. I turned my headphones way way up until she left, but I stayed, even though it tripped my anxiety a little bit. 

-I ate when I was hungry today, and stopped when I was full, except for lunch. I got involved in a conversation when I was eating and ate the whole container. Immediately regretted it, it made me feel gross but I had digested it by the time I was done at the gym. Ravenous when I got home, ate a little more than half of the bowl of pasta/meatballs/alfredo sauce the Mr. made and put it down. 

-I'm not obsessing about the food that I put aside. 

[spryte]

So, I went on vacation with several goals:

-continue tracking my food

-do my workout twice

-continue to eat mindfully, eating when I'm hungry, stopping when I'm full, not eating "just because"

 

I did really well on the food front. I tracked more while I was away than I had been doing at home. For the most part, almost every meal, I ate until I was full and then I quit and packed it up. I ate a few things "for fun" because I wanted them, not because I was hungry but I didn't beat myself up about it. 

 

I didn't do the workouts, however I took a walk with my buddy up and down their hilly road. I walked all over the fair the first night I was there. I walked through a long ass corn maze and a haunted house (which required me to crawl through a freaking pipe!) the night before I left. We walked so much that I actually had a few nights where my legs were bothering me when I tried to go to sleep. 

 

Yesterday, I went to the gym and walked for 50 minutes. 

 

A few things need to happen soon. 

-I need to set up my bullet journal. I bought the stuff I need for at least a rough draft of one. 

-I need to get better shoes. I'm waiting for some birthday money to do that

-now that I've cleaned out the back bedroom I can start doing this 15 minute workout that I've been wanting to do

-at the gym, I need to stick to walking, and swimming. I keep looking at all the other equipment going....I'm sure I can do that! And it's not that I can't, but that's not my plan. I need to just stick with swimming and walking for now. 

-I need to retake my pictures, do my measurements, and dig out my scale

-I need to write my "big why"

 

The one thing that I have noticed is the HUGE difference in my mindset this time around. It's easier. It's easier to make good food decisions when I'm not beating myself up when I make a less nutritious decision. I eat less of EVERYTHING, so even when I'm making less nutritious decisions, I'm not binging on them. I bought oreos while I was gone. I had, maybe 10 of them? And not all in one sitting. Even though I had some of the cotton candy we got, I turned it down several times when my cousin offered it to me later. 

 

I was very hesitant about all of this, really not wanting to trigger myself, but I haven't because I haven't tried to tell myself that I "can't" have something. I'm going to have to cut calories. I already have, just from making more nutritious choices. I've caught myself wanting to cut all over the place, and I've watched myself want to get caught up in things like counting macros and this and that and then I remind myself, that does not support my goals of baby steps. 

 

I will continue to track my food. I think I'm going to start tracking calories, loosely just to see where they're coming from so that later, I can see where I want to cut. I also need to start tracking, especially when my stomach is off, so that I know that I'm getting ENOUGH calories. 

 

I will continue to just start moving my body. I'm still struggling with pain issues, my sinuses have been bothering me ever since I got home, and I have been utterly exhausted. 

 

I was seriously stressed out on my vacation. Not because it was stressful, just because anything out of the ordinary creates low level stress for me. So for as much as I enjoyed myself, I did not sleep well and my digestion was actually off which is what resulted in me only being able to eat a very little bit of most of my meals. I stopped when I was full, so I didn't spend the rest of the night miserable because my food wasn't digesting, but I could tell by how little it took to fill me up that it was because my stomach was off. I think my caloric intake dropped severely while I was there. So since I've been back, I've been struggling through just being exhausted. 

 

I've been adulting today though. I've been going through my finances, trying to get that all in order. And I called and made a doctors apt. for two weeks from now. 

[spryte]

I think I have reached a sabotage point that I've missed in previous attempts to make change happen in my life. It's the tension push/pull between the internal anxiety caused by impatient with change, and my very real spoonie limitations.

 

I might not have a diagnosis, but I am a spoonie all the same.

I have very limited energy resources.

I have very limited emotional/mental health resources.

I have very limited physical resources.

 

I think in the past, I've neglected, or refused, to honor all of those limitations.

 

Right now, I'm looking back over this journal, and the tiny changes that I've made since I got the gym membership, not quite two months ago.

-I've gone from being almost completely inert in terms of physical activity, to going to the gym or doing some other physical activity (walking or swimming) at least 4 times a week

-I've been consistently tracking probably 65% of my meals on my YouFood app

-Without putting too much effort into changing my eating habits, I'm eating more vegetables and less junk food

-I've been making all of these changes without being hard on myself, calling myself names, or otherwise tearing myself down

 

Other life changes have happened as well, outside of fitness. 

The NF facebook group has been incredibly inspiring for me. It's important that I continue to be active in the group. I've been feeling more empowered. More optimistic about where these little changes are going to lead. Facing things that I've been sticking my head in the sand about, like my finances. Our financial situation has changed drastically because of an empowering decision that the Mr. made. Things are going to be hard, and tight, but these are the beginning baby steps to moving towards the future that we want, rather than doing what we have been doing, which has been being unhappy about it, but largely ignoring everything and just getting through each day. 

 

That whole mindset has shifted for me, and a little for him. I'm hoping to inspiring him to change his mindset even more. 

 

But, I feel the anxiety to want these changes to all happen now. And I feel my impatience with him, completely disregarding how tiny my own steps are. My expectations for him cannot be different than my own reality. That's a dangerous road to go down. I feel the impatience with myself as well. I already immediately want to ramp things up. 

 

It's ok to stick with the current goals that I have set for myself for six months. It's ok to stick with them for a year even. They are only going to solidify the good habits so that when I DO take the next, bigger step into either cutting calories, or doing actual workouts, I'll have an even healthier base to do it from. I am fine just where I am. 

 

So, a new goal that I'm adding to my daily reviews is to constantly be recalibrating my expectations for both of us in terms of these baby steps. It's one thing to SAY you're taking baby steps, it's another to actually allow yourself to do it and to trust that each tiny little change will add up over time, eventually crossing a tipping point line. 

 

Mindfulness means remaining aware of my propensity to push myself beyond my limitations, thus sabotaging myself, discouraging myself, and going back to old habits. 

 

Today, I've tracked my food and eaten twice so far. Breakfast was canned ravioli and that's ok. Lunch was a salad. 

I've done some dishes. 

I'm currently working through the MOUNTAIN of clean clothing that we've allowed to accumulate. I'm going to go through my clothes later this evening and put everything that's too small or that I'm not wearing in bags so that I have more space and more hangers. I'm going to ask the Mr. to do the same, but he's coming home and taking on the shower project that I'm hoping is going to improve some of our allergy issues. 

 

 

 

[spryte]

So, it seems that I've kind of settled into a routine that I'm ok with, with most of my workouts occurring on the days that I work. I'm better with that kind of structure, and it's easier to just keep moving if I go straight there after work. My last workout was a swim. 

 

I did three laps, actually "swimming" down and then coming back up using the breast stroke, and on the last one, a straight doggie paddle. It was a good workout. 

My back and shoulder were super unhappy about it. 

 

This is the struggle right now. My body is so effing tight from sitting at these desks and on my couch for so many years, that there's a fine balance between moving my body in a way that I want to, and moving it in a way that it's capable of. I have to be careful with the over arm swimming because my right shoulder, arm, wrist, are always chronically tight. So, it's time to look up and start doing some arm/wrist stretches and strengthening stuff. I want to be able to swim without hurting myself. 

 

I'm not tracking as much on my days off. I'm ok with that for right now. I'm still trying to eat mindfully, and make healthier choices. I bought veggies and made some ranch dip to eat rather than sit and eat chips, or any of the other things we've been snacking on. I need to watch when I'm just snacking rather than eating an actual meal when I'm hungry.

 

I made three doctors apts for the coming weeks. One with my GP, one with a chiro, and one with the gyno. Hopefully, some good will come out of those. 

 

I effed up my knee from just trying to straighten it out after having it folded under me. It kind of felt like it needed to crack so I was stretching it out and it didn't like that so now the back of my knee hurts and I can feel that it's slightly swollen when I bend my leg. Ugh. This is the kind of shit that I need the doctors to address. That doesn't seem normal. It doesn't seem normal for any of my joints to stiffen up so much when I'm sitting in a certain position that when I go to move, it's so stiff and doesn't want to straighten. 

[spryte]

I haven't been to the gym in a week. I haven't been tracking my food. Today was the first day in a week that I felt human. Between the utter exhaustion, pain, and other associated grossness attributed to being female, I just wasn't getting much done. I'm ok with all of that. I've finally gotten to a point where I can take a little break and be gentle with myself about it. 

 

Today:

I got up and wrote. 

I did some grocery shopping and got my breakfast/snack/lunch food. 

I cleaned the awful mess in the kitchen

I cleaned our room

I took puppers to the dog park and hung out with a friend

I made the apt and then took puppers for her yearly exam/tests/shots. She is overweight. :/ I have to stop assuaging my guilt of leaving food on my plate by feeding it to her. 

I made meatloaf and veggies for dinner - I don't like sausage added to my meatloaf 

 

I had to reschedule the gyno apt. Tomorrow is the chiro apt. I anticipate being very very sore afterward. Not sure I'll be doing anything physical in the next few days. 

 

Stomach is feeling weird after I ate dinner. 

[Owlet]

Baby steps are the best steps  Well done for recognising you need to stop guilt-tripping yourself, that is massive progress even aside from everything else! Hope the chiro apt went well, have you seen your doctor yet? I agree it doesn't seem normal to be in so much pain so often, I hope you can get to the bottom of it. Good luck!