Raidne's Metamorphosis

[Raidne]

It's been quite a while since I posted on the forums.  I spend a log of time on social media and lost in my own thoughts, but I need a space to work through the cluster quark that is my life.  I have a lot of stuff going on - personally, professionally, emotionally, physically.  My plan is for most of the entries here to have some structure, but some may turn into just a stream of consciousness.  I plan to update at least twice a week, probably never on weekends.  At first, the posts maybe more, possibly multiple a day. 

 

This morning, I hit a 'new' all time high on the scale.  I knew it was coming, but it's still devastating, at least emotionally.  Hence, the respawn.

 

I'm starting at the beginning.  Approaching this as if it's the first time I've turned on a new game and must work through the tutorial.  I see a new character. I see a new class.  I need something different because status quo is status done.  

 

Name:                      Raidne

Current Race:          Dwarf

Current Profession:  Rebel

 

Goal Profession:      Assassin

I've been sitting on the Ranger team for a while.  However, I've made not progress or real changes.  Time to try a different approach.

 

 

[Raidne]

What is it that you love?  What is it that you love to do?  Get away from the "have-to" and find what you love.

 

For work, I am seeing an industrial psychologist.  This topic came up in my last session.  Dr. F is concerned that I've bogged myself down in the things that I "have-to" do.  

• I have to workout today.
• I have to go to the grocery store.
• I have to cook dinner.
• I have to work an extra hour.
• I have to lift weights.
• I have to go to bed on time.

So, she asked me what I love to do.  And, honestly, I couldn't come up with a single thing in this world that I love to do.  

 

Of course, she didn't take that as an acceptable answer, so we kept digging for the answer.  

 

What is it about weight lifting that you love?

 

I like being the strongest girl in the weight room.  But, I'm not really that anymore because I don't train consistently.

No, what is it about actual weight lifting that you love?  What's the one moment of bliss you get from weight lifting?

There's a moment, when you're sitting in the hole (the bottom of an ass-to-grass squat) and you really think "I cannot stand up.  I cannot do this," but then there is this surge of power and you just stand up.  That moment -- going from the uncertainty to the certainty -- that is what I love.

Good, let's build on that.  

[Raidne]

Today's Weight:  (2.2#)

Today's Workout:  Academy BW 1-B + 30 minute walk @ 3.0 mph

 

In my theme of moving away from the status quo, I signed up for an Intro to Aerials class (10/22) and an Intro to Pole (11/3) class this morning.  It was a two-class pass for a good deal.  I want to spend some time trying new things and finding things I think I would enjoy long-term. 

 

My Big Why:

Every day, I am ashamed of the person that stares back at me in the mirror.  

• Physically, I am obese and out-of-shape.  I believe that I am physically repulsive.
• Mentally, I am depleted with feelings of unhappiness and being overwhelmed
• Emotionally, I am either a complete wretch or you get the "fake me."  

I am so disappointed in myself for failing to take care of myself -- for allowing myself to get this way.  I don't want to be this way anymore.  I want to be attractive, fascinating, engaged.   To use the cliché, I want to be 'THAT girl.'   Hell, I want to be effing hawt.  

 

[Raidne]

(deep sigh)

 

Saw a Physical Therapist.  Hypermobility in my L3 vertebrae.  Causing me to hinge JUST in that one vertebrae on most lower body workouts.  Extremely weak transverse abdominis (in comparison to the amount of weight I can push/pull/thrown.)   Right glute is not firing at all.   Got some therapy exercises.  I'll be doing those twice a day for the foreseeable future.  

 

(another deep sigh)

 

Went to primary care physician today.  I'm borderline hypertensive.  One more high BP test and I have to go on meds.  I have to go by next Thursday morning for a check.  Until we've diagnosed yes or no (and if yes, then until we have BP under control), I'm sidelined from heavy lifting and high intensity cardio.  I'm allowed to walk.  I don't want to be on meds.  I don't to be "sick."  

 

Thyroid is "probably going to give me issues at some point."  I have some 'slight enlargement' in the thyroid.  My thyroid levels are 3.9.   She wants to wait until the labs come back to see if my hormones are out of whack before further testing the thyroid.  I'm scheduled for follow up labs before Thanksgiving.  There is some "slight" swelling in the thryoid.  

 

 

 

[Raidne]

I've managed to go for at least a 20 minute walk since my doctor prescribed it.

I've limited myself to bodyweight workouts.

I've ordered a new BP cuff to start monitoring BP at home again.

I've splurged on the new handstands and rings course (and ordered some rings)

Tonight it Yoga Nidra.  I'm kinda excited. 

I've got to get better about updating here.  I've been slacking.