The Legend of Annyshay

[Swampling]

7 hours ago, annyshay said:

I've hit a patch of not wanting to do a damn thing. Help! Luckily my routines are strong and I'm cooking for myself, but can you guys help me with my mental funk?

 

Is there just one teensy little thing you could do that is moving you in the right direction, whatever that may be? 

If there is, just do that one little thing for now and leave the rest for another time (if these are absolute "must-do" things). You don't have to do ALL THE THINGS at once.

[Elastigirl]

8 hours ago, annyshay said:

I've hit a patch of not wanting to do a damn thing. Help! Luckily my routines are strong and I'm cooking for myself, but can you guys help me with my mental funk?

Sounds like if your routines are strong, and your cooking you are doing things. I hit that wall this month, and just decided to give myself permission to do less. Still keep my routines, but just to say no to the running list in my head of all the other things I need to do. A lot of  things I ended up doing anyway, though not all the things.

@Tanktimus the Encourager does  a weekly battle charge speech for the Rangers. This week's charge seems to me like it speaks to the bleh mental funk

I copied and pasted it here:

The challenge is almost over, and I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm just not feeling much enthusiasm for week four. I feel kind of blah. But you know what? I'm not gonna quit. I will keep moving, because I'm not a person who quits. I'm a healthy person who does healthy person things, and healthy people find a way to keep moving, to keep eating healthy, to keep taking care of themselves, regardless of how they feel. I'm going to keep moving forward because I am worth it. I love myself enough to give me what I need (stick with the challenge) rather than what I want (sit on my but and eat junk). I care about myself too much to go back to the old life, even in a week where I don't feel much excitement for good choices and workouts. 

 

I'll tell you a secret. You are worth it too. You deserve good choices and healthy movement. Whether you feel like it or not you can harness the power of screw it to your advantage. Screw it is not a bad thing, but it does get used for evil a lot. Imperial Screw it: I don't wanna work out, screw it! I'll just sit on my butt and eat junk food. Rebellion Screw It: I don't feel like working out, screw it! I'm gonna work out anyway.

 

I'm not going to appeal to emotion this week because emotions are fickle, they fade, they are not always the best barometers of progress. I'm going to appeal to your cynical side. The giving up part of us is never happy no matter how much we slack off or waste time, so let's tell it to go bad word itself and feed what's good for us regardless of how we feel. In a week the decision of whether or not we worked out today isn't going to affect our mood or motivation, but it will affect our health, our progress and our bodies.

[annyshay]

9 hours ago, Lilmissbri said:

I'm right there with ya!! Definitely in a huge BLEH phase.

Okay let's keep each other accountable. I will finally clean the kitchen and vacuum if you do whatever you need to do. Haha. 

Went swing dancing and caught up with the yucky paperwork. It's not perfect, but it's done. Did you clean?

[annyshay]

7 hours ago, Swampling said:

 

Is there just one teensy little thing you could do that is moving you in the right direction, whatever that may be? 

If there is, just do that one little thing for now and leave the rest for another time (if these are absolute "must-do" things). You don't have to do ALL THE THINGS at once.

Always a great reminder. My boss did some for me... oops, but I got caught up on the essentials today otherwise.

[annyshay]

Thanks, EG! And thanks, @Tanktimus the Encourager. That's exactly it. I'm working on the balance of doing less without doing nothing. It's surprisingly challenging, but Screw It - I'm a rebel, and I will keep experimenting till I find a sweet spot.

[Elastigirl]

1 hour ago, annyshay said:

Thanks, EG! And thanks, @Tanktimus the Encourager. That's exactly it. I'm working on the balance of doing less without doing nothing. It's surprisingly challenging, but Screw It - I'm a rebel, and I will keep experimenting till I find a sweet spot.

  Yes, it 's just experimenting with it and finding the right balance. Which is tricky because it varies depending on what else is going on in your life too.

[Mrs Van]

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

  Yes, it 's just experimenting with it and finding the right balance. Which is tricky because it varies depending on what else is going on in your life too.

This, so much this!

[Lilmissbri]

4 hours ago, annyshay said:

Went swing dancing and caught up with the yucky paperwork. It's not perfect, but it's done. Did you clean?

I did!! Yay!

[annyshay]

7 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

  Yes, it 's just experimenting with it and finding the right balance. Which is tricky because it varies depending on what else is going on in your life too.

Yes. That!

 

5 hours ago, Lilmissbri said:

I did!! Yay!

We win!

[annyshay]

Daily Log - 5/17/2017

 

Morning Flow

X no screens in bedroom

X make bed

X move all joints

X quiet time with God

X distraction free breakfast

X post on NF forums

X meditate

 

Today's Tasks

X clinic notes

X abstract

 

Self Care 

X jazz

X hilarious autocorrect fail collection online

[Elastigirl]

What is the hilarious collection autocorrect fail?

[Swampling]

18 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

What is the hilarious collection autocorrect fail?

Yes. Please. Share?

[annyshay]

It was on Pinterest... I may not be able to find it again because I was laughing too hard to pin it. Heh. I'll try.

[annyshay]

Daily Log - 5/18/2017

 

Morning Flow

X no screens in bedroom

X make bed

X move all joints

X quiet time with God

X distraction free breakfast

X post on NF forums

X meditate

 

Today's Tasks

- clinic notes

 

Self Care 

X picked up dinner

X kitteh + Star Trek (Borg took the captain, ack!)

[annyshay]

23 hours ago, annyshay said:

It was on Pinterest... I may not be able to find it again because I was laughing too hard to pin it. Heh. I'll try.

Yup. Can't find it, but just put in "autocorrect fails" and you'll be set for an hour or so of belly laughs.

[annyshay]

Daily Log - 5/19/2017

 

Morning Flow

X no screens in bedroom

X make bed

X move all joints

X quiet time with God

X distraction free breakfast

X post on NF forums

X meditate

 

Today's Tasks

X clinic notes

 

Self Care 

X kitteh snuggles

X Star Trek

X made dinner

[annyshay]

Ramblings about work distress... Possibly triggering? I dunno.

 

 

Spoiler

This month is supposed to be my month of relative rest so that I can get through June and July before I collapse in on myself erm... focus on research. There has been an awful lot of unexpected emotional distress from the feedback of my attendings on the medicine side of my fellowship. I know that not everybody will appreciate my style of teaching and relating to patients. I do not expect that. I also do not expect to have 3/5 of my last attendings critique me for being too "unprofessional" because of small mannerism. Apparently, I say "cool" too much, act "too childish", and have an annoying habit of giggling when I'm nervous. These attendings have told me that this could potentially be off-putting and distracting in the future... I have many uncharitable responses to this.

 

Instead, let me tell you guys something without being mistaken for boasting. My patients love me. I am not exaggerating. If one thing has become clear during my brief career, it is that patients are thirsting to relate to their doctors as humans. I am proud of my ability to be with them where they are and to set aside the barriers that physicians often put in place to "protect" themselves from being "too emotionally involved." My patients comment at least daily on how grateful they are for the time I spend discussing things with them. I care DEEPLY about each one of my patients and coworkers. I go out of my way to be overly kind and encouraging at work as well as being open about the struggles and frustrations that I'm facing. This is a conscious approach in order to humanize a profession that has a tendency to distance itself too much from suffering and uncertainty. Apparently, the majority of my superiors find this off-putting and/or distracting. My patients do not.

 

 

So, today when my kind, formal, old, white, male attending asked me how things were going and I tried to respond honestly... it led to me crying for over a half hour while trying to stay open to the specific comments he had on how I could transition into a more "professional" (read, emotionally reserved) role. He was one of the few that qualified his opinions as something other than God-given fact. He tried to accept my comments that "being emotional" is an accepted part of my personality (I am sooooo sick of this being a THING I feel compelled to say in my professional life). He expressed concerns about my "support" system... a subtle way of opening up a dialogue around therapy. He even asked if I was suicidal. I wonder if our career will ever come to a place where crying is seen as a normal part of human experience instead of a sign of hysteria. (Yes, he used that word in our conversation as well.) I felt the need to tell him I've been on medication and am actively engaged in care because of the weight of judgment that was implied. 

 

 

I know that he was trying to help and be supportive, but it is impossible for me to experience something like this without the full weight of institutionalized sexism and prejudice against mental illness smacking me in the face. No matter how logical my responses, my attendings can't seem to process anything when there are tears involved. Tears = panic mode. This IN AND OF ITSELF reassures me that my very sensitivity and openness are desperately needed in medicine. But I am sick of my strength being interpreted as an almost fatal flaw. I tried to express this. He responded about how I might be a square peg in a round hole and "just didn't fit here". This made me more upset. This is not limited to one academic medical center. If what he says is true, I am not welcome in medicine... and that would be tragic because I am a DAMN good doctor.

 

I finished my work with my usual quick efficiency. I went home. I ordered food so I wouldn't have to work hard to take care of myself. I journaled and meditated and watched Star Trek (where diversity is embraced and makes the team stronger, btw) and napped and felt the weight of my lovely Dragon against my legs and tried to feel the pain and let it pass on. But my entire head still hurts. Typing this is making me cry. God forbid I cry at work again tomorrow, but this seems inevitable currently. I guess my attending will just have to get over his fear of emotions because I refuse to put up barriers and wear a facade. Medicine rips chunks out of me and ALL my colleagues. I'm strong enough to admit it even when it has serious consequences, and I have no intention of beginning to lie about the emotional abuse I continue to endure just so that I can help others heal.

 

 

[Elastigirl]

Hugs. Sorry you are having to deal with that. Thank you so much for your bravery though. You are right, people need to relate to their doctors. Personally Drs and I usually don't get along. To have a Doctor who isn't afraid to show true compassion is a real gift. Thank you for fighting to show that it is desperately needed.

[Lilmissbri]

1 hour ago, Elastigirl said:

Hugs. Sorry you are having to deal with that. Thank you so much for your bravery though. You are right, people need to relate to their doctors. Personally Drs and I usually don't get along. To have a Doctor who isn't afraid to show true compassion is a real gift. Thank you for fighting to show that it is desperately needed.

 

This.

[Mrs Van]

7 hours ago, annyshay said:

Apparently, the majority of my superiors find this off-putting and/or distracting. My patients do not.

Are you trying to help your patients or snobby superiors? If I could find a dr here with your attitude as you described it, I would sign an agreement for our family to be with you as Caregiver, forever. So keep your attitude, that is what patients really need. Your Attendings don't really know people do they? They know the human body, and what to do with it to heal it, but half of the healing process is emotional. But on the other hand you are going to need to strengthen your dragon shield against comments like his, because you know you are right, and you know you need to continue to be this Special Person, but not let "them" in to hurt you. How to continue being your true self with your patients, but shut the Attendings' comments out?

 

7 hours ago, annyshay said:

I guess my attending will just have to get over his fear of emotions because I refuse to put up barriers and wear a facade. Medicine rips chunks out of me and ALL my colleagues. I'm strong enough to admit it even when it has serious consequences, and I have no intention of beginning to lie about the emotional abuse I continue to endure just so that I can help others heal.

You have all my respect and love and hugs and everything I can send you. You are a Jesus-child who, just like Him, showed the people that He cared, and He was, is and will always be true.

[annyshay]

Now you guys are making me cry, but good tears. I am so blessed by your encouragement. I truly don't know that I could continue this path without it... but God is good.

 

[annyshay]

Daily Log - 5/20/2017

 

Morning Flow

X no screens in bedroom

X make bed

X move all joints

X quiet time with God

X distraction free breakfast

X post on NF forums

X meditate

 

Today's Tasks

 

Self Care 

X kitteh snuggles

X nap

X surrender meditation

[Mad Hatter]

Damnit we seriously need more doctors like you. Everything you say about male, white, middle aged are reasons why I generally dislike doctors, both as a patient and professionally. Yes, I understand that there's a lot of pressure, stress and responsibility involved being a doctor, but it's not an excuse to behave like a robot at best and asshole at worst. Nurses and other support staff somehow manage to be human and that job is not any easier. Yet doctors get a free pass for being sexist egotistical jerks. Clearly you're not one of them, you sound like a fantastic doctor, but way too many are like that. Don't know whether it's a common personality trait from the beginning or whether they develop it because of their environment or simply because they can get away with it. But either way, if your patients love you and you're doing your job well then screw them, they've got nothing on you.

 

However, and I really hate to say it, if you want to be taken more seriously by your colleagues maybe you'll have to put on a game face and speak to them more like they do. Like working on removing the nervous giggling habit. Please don't take it the wrong way, but honestly, that's a habit doesn't serve you in any way, neither with doctors or patients. And besides, there's no need to be nervous when you clearly know your stuff and are awesome at your job. I say this from personal experience, but sometimes it's worth assessing how one's behaviour comes across in other people's eyes. For example, I have a habit of being a very smiley person. Which normally comes across as friendly, but when I was working with customers (some of them doctors) it just made me look even younger and more inexperienced than I was in their eyes and I had difficulty being taken seriously, especially when it came the business side of things. I had to work on matching my face to my level of seriousness and not trying to soften hard discussions by being overly smiley and friendly. It's not until I stopped being nice that they started to listen. It's interesting, because on one hand it's like I had to adjust my personality a little because I was working with a bunch of arrogant, sexist and ageist men, but on the other hand, where did this behaviour even come from if not from our patriarchal culture where women are supposed to be smiley and friendly?

 

I don't know, obviously your situation is a bit different and more complex, and I'm definitely not suggesting that you put on a facade in order to conform. You should never feel like you have to censor yourself. But somewhere along the way you'll have to learn to speak in a language they understand, and keep telling them what an awesome doctor you are. They might think that you're overly emotional and ahem, act like a girl, but whatever, just don't ever let them question that you're doing a great job. You have to be able to stand your ground, even if it's scary and hard, and preferably without tears, because you deserve to be taken seriously. 

[annyshay]

That's totally fair, and I agree 100%. The thing that got to me was the only reason I was falling back on nervous habits is because all the negative feedback has MADE me. I hate to say it, but a young female doctor sprang a bunch of vague negative feedback about my way of thinking and general mannerisms on me after over two weeks of saying nothing about it to me... completely unhelpful. This put me on the defensive to start with this week coupled with a new VERY formal older male attending. So stressed out brain fell back on old habits that I worked hard to fix in medical school. I'm suuuuuuper self reflective, so I was well aware that my nervous tics were coming out this week. But this old, wise man felt the need to mansplain things that was suuuuuuuuper obvious to me - patronizing and obnoxious. It felt like he said WHY ARE YOU SO NERVOUS AROUND ME?!?!?! That plus sleep deprived and working 12 days in a row repeatedly for the last 3 months... well... not at my most emotionally resilient. Totally understandable human reaction, but somehow I end up having to defend my sanity and tell people I'm not suicidal and all kinds of junk. At least this person giving me feedback identified a specific behavior I could change instead of...

 

 

You're right. It's totally worth it to be as professional as possible. I just wish my superiors would come from an assumption that I'm a competent human being instead of immediately assuming that tears mean I'm emotionally unstable.

 

[annyshay]

Workout Log - 5/21/2017

 

Swing Crash Course - 4 hours

 

Rolled 9. Rupee in the Treasure Chest!