Minna battles the depression ninja

[Minna]

I started up with NF about two years ago and have struggled ever since. It's not in my nature to ask for help, lean on others or seek out company (you'll notice that my avatar is Rey), so I'm having a hard time reaching out. But as the solo approach isn't getting me very far, here I am again. 

 

I used to think my depression was like a wolf at the door. I could feel it coming, feel it standing there with those piercing eyes, just waiting. Over time, I got so used to it that it seemed more like a very old pet that just slumped at the threshold, smelling terrible and panting a lot. But it was still there.

 

Lately, it's taken on a whole new form, maybe transmuted by the anxiety that's been creeping up on me over the years. Now, it's a ninja. In a flash it can poison every good thought, every good thing, every bit of progress I may make. That's a wholly different kind of energy, and it scares me.

 

 

One day recently, I wondered if I could summon a warrior of my own to fight that demon, and Rey came to mind. Both of us are hopeful loners who love wielding a staff and know there's more out there than what we can see. It's helped immensely to have her there to counter the ninja. It makes sense to me, if not to my non-nerdy therapist.

 

And if I catch myself thinking I'm not worth taking the time to meet the goals I'm setting for myself, I'll do it for that inner Rey.

 

My answers to the NF Academy Big Why quest

 

• Being unhealthy is yet another excuse to hate myself. It gives me endless opportunities to dump on myself. 
• I want to play with my husband and daughter however I want. I don’t want to feel like my mom when I get up off the floor. And I want to use my knees.
• I don’t want to hide my body anymore. I want to feel personally powerful.
• I want to reconnect with my friends, all of whom I've lost touch with because I've talked myself into believing that my being their friend is a waste of their time and they're better off without me.

 

Here's how I answered the Batcave Quest

 

To make the journey easier, I'm going to:  

• Put weights where they’re handy; leave yoga mat out to remind me
• Keep healthy snacks in one easy place
• Leave water glasses out

I will also: 

• Refrain from buying unhealthy food
• Set reminder to get up hourly at work
• Stretch for five minutes before bed

 

My answers to the Goals quest

 

• I am somebody who walks when I have the option not to. I will enlist the help of my family, which could inspire them too.
  • Specifically, walking at least 20 minutes a day, six days a week. On Fridays and/or Sundays, I'll do my regular five-mile walk.
• I am somebody who does something every day to get stronger. I will not find excuses not to.
  • Also, at least four rounds of archery, three days a week.
  • Specifically, at least five minutes of strength exercises, up to six days a week.
• I am somebody who won’t eat just to eat. And I’ll learn to drink water because I need it.
  • Specifically, I'll drink at least four glasses of water a day.
• I am somebody who knows what sugar does to my health. I’ll discover how I feel without it.
  • Specifically, I'll add less sugar to my morning tea; eat unsweetened food when available every day.
• I am somebody who deserves a good life, respects herself, owns her body and knows how to use it. 
  • Specifically, find one thing to love about me, every day.
  • Pause to recognize the progress I'm making, and be kind to myself if it isn't what I hoped.

 

What else

 

• Randa Rooskie inspired me to write a letter from my future self to my current self. I really recommend doing it.

[Rincewind]

I know that wolf all too well and imagining it to become a ninja - I can only imagine how tough that must be for you.

 

But, I wanted to thank you for your in depth respawn post. It made me realize, how much I procrastinate on improving my mental health. There are so many excuses and distractions you can use to not confront yourself with your emotional struggle. - So thank you for respawning and sharing your struggles - and goals!