GingaNinja's scrapbook

[GingaNinja]

Just a place to put bits of writing. Occasionally I write blog posts, sometimes I might share them here.

[GingaNinja]

Mental and Physical War: writen about a month ago.

 

I am at this moment in time very much at war with my own body.

 

Sometimes, my injuries twinge, hurt, swell and my muscle in balance shows through and you know what, with enough work I could likely fix it. If I could just push myself up and over the mental barrier that is stopping me: go back to the Doctor, go to the gym and do some physio exercises. Maybe then it doesn't hold me back so much. So I don't have to get the bus to work sometimes which is a 15-20 minute walk because it is early; my body is to stiff and sore to get me where I need to be without potentially hurting myself.

So I can lift weights and lose the weight I've gained from 3 years when I could lift my body weight, was smaller and felt strong. Feel how I felt before I started breaking myself over and over, broken leg, going over on my ankles, injuring myself lifting. At the same time, trying not to hold myself up to that image because, maybe it isn't possible and I should learn to be happy with what my body can do and the new place it could get to. Trying to stay excited about that concept of acceptance and potential is difficult.

 

I feel battered down by so much stuff inside my own head. I punish myself for not being able to move myself when I used to be so good at it and I punish myself for not being able to live with this as my starting point to build up from. I struggle to keep focus on the fantastic things about what my body can do. I can walk for miles sometimes and I am still able to walk most days. I am still strong, I can pick people up still, which is fun. Having so much body awareness is such a good tool, I have a lot of information people don't

 

Then I get distracted constantly by the sensations to be in my skin. How I feel and look so large. The way the skin on my arse feels when it sits down, the way my stomach bunches up. How the fat round my face sits and how I see it in the mirror. The way the lumps of my back show through the back of my t-shirts and how it makes dressing in the morning take longer because I want to hide it and cover it up. How I have never really felt hot and I wish I could. I try to believe it when they tell me I'm attractive, I just don't associate myself with that word. I am also shit at compliments, though I am getting better at saying thank you instead of no to them.

 

I guess what it comes down to is Fear. Fear of breaking myself again, of getting to be worse when I can mostly cope. Fear that I am not like everyone else. Fear of things that seem silly to be afraid of even. Then regret, regret that I haven't stepped up by now, shame that it isn't already fixed. Fear of being a failure and even though I haven't given up, I feel like I am barely dragging myself in the direction when I could be taking steps. I know it is just fear and I know I will do it, eventually. I can get there and I know where the path is back. Getting started is hard, at the moment I am trying to get enough water and do yoga everyday because it helps me build strength and mentally it helps me let go of how anxious I feel, and slowly with time peel away how much a feel held hostage by my own thoughts.

 

On my way to work last week day, I manged to walk but the whole journey all the different angles of the internal battle rebounded inside my head. I nearly cried. Then I nearly cried at my desk, because of how listening to a interview with someone  that moved me when she spoke about their own body issues. How we reinforce negative image on the one thing we can't do rather than everything that we are.

 

Also the idea that instead of the answer of "How do I be better?" being answered with l "Do something that makes you listen to your body and this can be as simple as getting up in the morning a piece of food that the body needs". This is pretty much where I am right now, trying to wrestle with giving my body what it needs and listening and trying not to hurt it for it's failures and what I "should" be doing. I love this approach and how it resonated with me, it made me feel less alone.

 

It took me an hour to convince myself to get to my yoga mat the other evening. When I got there I was crying, when doing my video as the teacher Adriene encouraged me to release from it all and in the end I found myself taking myself less seriously and laughing when I wobbled or couldn't quite do it. It was liberating to laugh about things for the first time after a wee of serious thinly times. I am gonna try listen to that sense of humour for now.

[SpecialSundae]

I don't know what to say but I love you and I'm happy to be there for you if and when you need me (or want me around). 

[Elastigirl]

Sounds like you are doing a great job at really identifying your feelings. Doing that is a HUGE step to being healthy. Sending hugs your way

[GingaNinja]

On 30/10/2016 at 4:15 PM, SpecialSundae said:

I don't know what to say but I love you and I'm happy to be there for you if and when you need me (or want me around). 

 

Thank you, I remember talking to you around this time before Nerd Up, I really appreciate it. Murr.

 

On 30/10/2016 at 5:29 PM, Elastigirl said:

Sounds like you are doing a great job at really identifying your feelings. Doing that is a HUGE step to being healthy. Sending hugs your way

 

Thanks Elastigirl, I was really a mess when I wrote this, I  had had the post sort of bouncing around my head for a few months and when I got to that breaking point the words kind of just came tumbling out. I am very reflective perhaps too much at times but this was constructive and helped me draw out a lot of the venom and then the Nerd Up kind of helped me reset a bit.