Merrin Posted December 1, 2016 Report Share Posted December 1, 2016 At the start of this new challenge, I'm afraid I'll have to be completely off goal on a few things, because I don't expect I'll get much reading or smart eating done when I'm in Disneyland! I'm immensely nerv-cited about this trip. It's not the first time I've gone away by myself, but it's the next step on that series of quests in my life. I'm not good at planning nice things for myself. I'm not good at spending time and money on myself, and truly seeking out joy. I began putting the idea out there when I first joined NF, of trying to go and do amazing things just because I want them. That resulted in flying to a new city, all on my own, to see a live show of a podcast. It was a great time, and it started giving me travel and social confidence. I won't deny it's been hard, yet amazing, for my anxiety. The next big trip took some time to happen, but Camp presented itself as a perfect option. It was a controlled environment, which felt safe, with lots more strangers than I would have interacted with normally, which scared the pants off me. But I went, and found people that were supportive and loving and incredible, and doing these amazing things for myself, taking up space in the world and pursuing the things that I love, began to feel possible. Camp helped me find my bravery again. Camp helped me see how to dream big again. So, I want to take myself to Disneyland. And I deserve to take myself to Disneyland. And I'm going to take Character selfies and eat glorious food and have all of the magical fun. But I need to be honest in a big, weird way here. I'm never someone who does things this big on a whim; the time of year isn't without purpose, and neither is the choice of destination. Going to Mesa in the spring for a podcast was arbitrary. This date is not. This date, eight years ago, used to mean something. This being the first anniversary of that day since the divorce, I find myself needing to take it back, to be somewhere not my home town, but also somewhere that would feel safe, happy, inclusive. I wanted to go back to Disney, somehow. For New Readers, Disney World was how I met my ex. I went there, not to pursue love, but to pursue a new experience: the internship away from home. I grew up in Huntington Beach, CA, and Disneyland was a shining part of my childhood. I wanted to work for them. I wanted to be inside the magic. I had my own reasons for going to Orlando. I loved Disney on my own, and I wanted to reconnect with that. I couldn't let this person take away a place that is so big and magical and shiny for me. I couldn't. I'm scared that I'll feel lonely, instead of alone. I have to remind myself that I went to the internship barely knowing another soul, ready to work in the parks and live with strangers. I think I'm scared now because I don't have the job as an excuse, I don't have busy friends or roommates as the reason I'm alone. I'm going by myself because I wanted to go and it was a trip that I need to do on my own, a time of year I need to spend more on my own. I don't need to worry about arguing over rides or food or show times. I can just enjoy myself. And that's a scary thing for me. I'm writing this out and trying to be as forthcoming about this as possible, because it feels important to explain myself. I know on some level I've been needing the external justification from Ifrit, how I deserve to have good, fun things. I'm here sharing with my Nerds because you guys helped me get here. You helped me see that taking up space and seeking joy are necessary. You helped me be patient and gentle with myself, and learn to do the things that will help me heal and grow. I'll be flying out Monday and coming back Wednesday to begin tracking all my main goals. I'll consider any steps from the Parks as bonus exercise. I cannot promise I won't eat seven beignets for breakfast. (Additionally, I chose the challenge title from Sigma's new single featuring Birdy. The lyrics and video are powerful, to say the least.) Our Cast of Characters: Merrin: Me! 31 years old, foodie, soda free for 1.5 years, lover of avocados and bacon, Ravenpuff, passionate about sewing, bubbly introvert, depressive, baker of cookies. Rebecca: The name for my Depression; the Monster I frequently try to kiss on the nose. Ifrit: Boyfriend! Main supportive force, disliker of avocados, expert bacon cook, incredibly weird, incredibly intelligent, Slytherin, introvert, archery master, stealer of snuggles. Part-Time Spare Spoons Puppy: only the best and sweetest and smartest dog ever, tolerant of hugs, fetcher of rope, murderer of sticks, giver of snuggles. This Month's Focus Darebees: Daily as possible. Hoping for Bronze level. Paleo: 1 fresh meal per day, including days off. Keep carbs/snacks (-fiber) at 100g maximum. Sewing: 1 hour minimum nights off for various production. Check lighting/fan set-up. BBW: Mondays and Fridays. Reading: 1 hour per work shift. Adulting: laundry on Tuesdays, floors on Thursdays, kitchen daily. Journal: bullet items as needed, daily summary post on here. 3 Quote Sylph Spellblade | Level 10 STR 5.2 | DEX 4.2 | STA 6.2 | CON 11.32 | WIS 6.75 | CHA 7.3 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Battle Log Epic Quest! Link to comment
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