Asa Pond HBIC in Training

[Asa Pond]

It is finally 2017 and it is the year of determination and changing for the better and not letting people or things or laziness or anxiety stand in my way. 

 

I don't believe in New Years resolutions because they fail, but I do believe in plans and actions and goals. 

 

2017 Goals:

 

Learn some basic Krav Maga

Try new things for at least a month

Stand up for my beliefs and my own interests (and the interests of those I care about)

Volunteer

Spend some serious time learning one or two languages

Turn an idea into action (ex: write a book, start a business, build an app)

Hand Stand

Pull Up

Get into one of my top law schools

Be able to have a conversation entirely in French

Go Skydiving

Get out of CC debt

Travel to a new destination

Complete a reading challenge

 

Obviously - some of these are more specific than others and some are more difficult, but this is just the beginning and the place for me to write it out. 

 

Here goes nothing.

 

[Asa Pond]

Step one to making 2017 start out right:

 

Schedule a month of Krav Maga classes starting on the 15th (and suck up the anxiety and go to them).

 

Step one to starting out 2017 wrong:

 

Get caught in an ice storm on the way home from the holidays and have to call your boss to tell her you will be working from your mother's home for the 4th day in a row (worked from home for the last 3 before the holiday break). She didn't seem to mind but I know she wasn't happy. 

 

Eh. I'm alive and didn't die in a fiery crash due to ice which I feel would have been much more inconvenient for them then me playing it safe for an extra day.

 

I need to figure out how to use this battle log along with the 4 week challenges. I want this to encompass my overall goals and be a place to look back to over time because I generally don't review my old challenges (although I probably should). I'll play with updating this every few days and the challenge thread every few hours day-ish.

 

I need a plan but plans are hard. Why are plans so hard?

 

(FYI: There is swearing ahead and will continue to exist throughout this thread)

 

Let's break down what I want to be by the end of the year:

 

Effin badass

Confident

Going to Law School

Out of Credit debt

#UnapologeticallyMe

 

How do I get there?:

 

Effin Badass 

• achieve all of the goals above 
• be able to take down someone in a fight
• go skydiving
• Be able to do a handstand
• Be able to do a clapping pushup
• Be Roxy Morton
• This list could go on

Confident

• Be effin badass (this is getting circular but OH WELL)
• Try something that scares me, do it until it no longer scares me, keep doing it if it is fun, repeat
• Become more focused on being cool (like, Mockingbird/Bobbi Morse cool not High School cool) than on losing weight or looks
• Kick ass on the LSAT
• Become more proficient at French

Going to Law School

• Apps in at the first possible moment
• Kick ass on the LSAT
• Write and write and write and write until I feel comfortable with my personal statement and addenda
• Be awesome at my job so that I can get some killer references

Out of Credit Debt

• Budget (ew, no this is hard)
• Ask for a raise 
• Take it one day at a time
• Remember it will feel so much better to be debt free

#UnapologeticallyMe

• No more fake shit. 
• Be me and don't apologize for it.
• I am awesome and if people don't like it than cool. Not everyone likes chocolate and chocolate is fucking aces man. 
• Speak my mind - but in a respectful way.

Lots of work to be done in 2017.

[RogueLibrarian]

So ... I did okay recommending Mockingbird.

 

I got a lot of love for these goals, Pond.

[Asa Pond]

14 minutes ago, RogueLibrarian said:

So ... I did okay recommending Mockingbird.

 

I got a lot of love for these goals, Pond.

 

"did okay"

 

Bit of an understatement, m8. Mockingbird was brilliant and I love her to pieces. 

 

I do too but they scare me and are a bit overwhelming. *Deep breaths*

 

[Mad Hatter]

8 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

I do too but they scare me and are a bit overwhelming. *Deep breaths*

 

Scary is good. Means you're doing it right.  

[RogueLibrarian]

6 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Scary is good. Means you're doing it right.  

 

Yeah, right? 

 

And these are not goals for this week. These are big stuff.

[Asa Pond]

Okay okay okay. 

 

I got in the 91st percentile with my LSAT score.

 

...and I'm disappointed. I can do better. And it frustrates me to no end. I hate coming up short when I know I can be better than that. 

 

No more. I am taking it again in June and I will be fire.

 

ETA: I'm also disappointed with myself for being disappointed. Like, it is a solid, good place to be, but I can't be happy with it. 

 

Something to add to 2017 - learn how to accept good enough (just... not on this).

[Mad Hatter]

I'm sorry you're disappointed but it sounds like you did good! And the thing about test scores are that they really don't mean anything once you get in to whatever school you want to get into. But I don't know anything about LSAT scores, how competitive is that score for the places you want to get into? Is it actually worth retaking to increase your chances, or is it just for your ego?  

 

10 hours ago, Asa Pond said:

Effin badass

#UnapologeticallyMe

 

Also I forgot to say earlier, these are my favourites! 

[RogueLibrarian]

15 hours ago, Asa Pond said:

No more. I am taking it again in June and I will be fire.

 

I read "will be fine" and then realized you said "fire," and I'm all like, that is a very Asa Pond thing to say, and grinned like a mofo.

 

91ST PERCENTILE is disappointing to you? Damn. That doesn't mean 91% correct, that's YOU BEAT 91% OF THE TEST TAKERS. I'm proud of you. 

 

15 hours ago, Asa Pond said:

Something to add to 2017 - learn how to accept good enough (just... not on this).

 

You hold yourself to a very high standard. You're mindful of it, which means you're smart enough not to let it get in your way.

[Asa Pond]

7 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I'm sorry you're disappointed but it sounds like you did good! And the thing about test scores are that they really don't mean anything once you get in to whatever school you want to get into. But I don't know anything about LSAT scores, how competitive is that score for the places you want to get into? Is it actually worth retaking to increase your chances, or is it just for your ego?  

 

 

Also I forgot to say earlier, these are my favourites! 

 

So - technically, the score isn't good enough to get into my top schools which I have a very small chance of getting into just because they are SO MANY people's top schools. The thing is - I need money (scholarships) which is determined based on (essentially) 2 scores - GPA and LSAT. My GPA from college is not nearly as good as it should be because I had an un-diagnosed seizure disorder which was impacting a lot. The LSAT is also the #1 determinant of success within the first year of law school. SO. If I could get a high enough LSAT score to show that I am likely to be successful it is possible that I would be able to offset that low GPA. 

 

TL;DR - I could get into a decent school with my score but I could get into a better one or get more scholarships with a higher score. Additionally, I know I didn't give 100% with studying and I messed up my timing so didn't finish the entire exam. If I don't take it again - I'll regret not knowing what I could actually do (so it is definitely part ego but not all).

 

I have no idea if any of that makes any sense.

 

I am a bit enthusiastic about the effin badass part.  

 

7 minutes ago, RogueLibrarian said:

 

I read "will be fine" and then realized you said "fire," and I'm all like, that is a very Asa Pond thing to say, and grinned like a mofo.

 

91ST PERCENTILE is disappointing to you? Damn. That doesn't mean 91% correct, that's YOU BEAT 91% OF THE TEST TAKERS. I'm proud of you. 

 

 

You hold yourself to a very high standard. You're mindful of it, which means you're smart enough not to let it get in your way.

 

"very Asa Pond thing to say"  - Love it.  

 

I know. But I'm a perfectionist who fears failure and anything that isn't perfect is failure (in that hind-part of my brain that I can't control). It doesn't help that I slacked off while studying and know I didn't live up to my potential.

 

It will be a slow journey towards accepting good enough but I think it will be worth it in the long run. (I hope.)

[RogueLibrarian]

2 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

"very Asa Pond thing to say"  - Love it.  

 

IT'S TRUE

 

2 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

I know. But I'm a perfectionist who fears failure and anything that isn't perfect is failure (in that hind-part of my brain that I can't control). It doesn't help that I slacked off while studying and know I didn't live up to my potential.

 

It will be a slow journey towards accepting good enough but I think it will be worth it in the long run. (I hope.)

 

I can only say that my 30s and 40s were a masterclass in accepting mediocrity. 

...and that I'm now trying to UNLEARN some of that.  

[Mad Hatter]

8 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

So - technically, the score isn't good enough to get into my top schools which I have a very small chance of getting into just because they are SO MANY people's top schools. The thing is - I need money (scholarships) which is determined based on (essentially) 2 scores - GPA and LSAT. My GPA from college is not nearly as good as it should be because I had an un-diagnosed seizure disorder which was impacting a lot. The LSAT is also the #1 determinant of success within the first year of law school. SO. If I could get a high enough LSAT score to show that I am likely to be successful it is possible that I would be able to offset that low GPA. 

 

TL;DR - I could get into a decent school with my score but I could get into a better one or get more scholarships with a higher score. Additionally, I know I didn't give 100% with studying and I messed up my timing so didn't finish the entire exam. If I don't take it again - I'll regret not knowing what I could actually do (so it is definitely part ego but not all).

 

Thanks for the clarification! I just wanted to say what I said because sometimes good enough is perfectly fine. But it does sound like it's really worth retaking. And how you know exactly what you need to do and plenty of time to do it and you're going to do amazing!  

[Asa Pond]

2 minutes ago, RogueLibrarian said:

I can only say that my 30s and 40s were a masterclass in accepting mediocrity. 

...and that I'm now trying to UNLEARN some of that.  

 

OKAY LAST POST I PROMISE.

 

I think there is an important difference between accepting "good enough" and "accepting mediocrity".

 

To me "good enough" is: I have the physical capability of training myself to be able to do 100 pushups in one set - but do I really want/need/have a reason to do so? Can I accept stopping at 50? 50 is damn impressive and while I could work towards more - it doesn't seem necessary. 

 

"Accepting Mediocrity" is saying that being able to do 1 pushup because the majority of the population can't even do that is fine (In my head). 

 

I'm pretty good at accepting mediocrity at things that are not my focus or passion - but when it comes to something I am passionate in or good at - that's where my perfectionist streak kicks in and I either have to be perfect or I sabotage myself.

 

(Also - m8, you wrote a book (or 2 I believe). Something tells me that the last few years haven't been "mediocre".) 

 

Yay Semantics!!

[Mad Hatter]

2 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

I think there is an important difference between accepting "good enough" and "accepting mediocrity".

 

To me "good enough" is: I have the physical capability of training myself to be able to do 100 pushups in one set - but do I really want/need/have a reason to do so? Can I accept stopping at 50? 50 is damn impressive and while I could work towards more - it doesn't seem necessary. 

 

"Accepting Mediocrity" is saying that being able to do 1 pushup because the majority of the population can't even do that is fine (In my head). 

 

Completely agree

 

3 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

(Also - m8, you wrote a book (or 2 I believe). Something tells me that the last few years haven't been "mediocre".) 

 

And on this too!

[Asa Pond]

2 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Thanks for the clarification! I just wanted to say what I said because sometimes good enough is perfectly fine.

 

I just realized I never said thank you! For some reason (despite my mother raising me right) expressing my gratitude at the right times is something I fail at and then I end up posting sappy things because I get all of this love for you guys built up and realized I never actually said any of it.

 

So - I didn't mean for my whole post to be an explanation, I REALLY should have started it out with Thank You for listening and trying to point me in the right mental direction because I need that and you guys are so awesome. I just get caught up in typing sometimes. <3

[RogueLibrarian]

I am also a ninja master at minimizing my own accomplishments. But this is not my thread! Your point is well taken, and you have a clear vision about what you're after. I admire that about you, my friend.

 

YOU WILL BE FIRE

[Mad Hatter]

9 minutes ago, Asa Pond said:

 

I just realized I never said thank you! For some reason (despite my mother raising me right) expressing my gratitude at the right times is something I fail at and then I end up posting sappy things because I get all of this love for you guys built up and realized I never actually said any of it.

 

So - I didn't mean for my whole post to be an explanation, I REALLY should have started it out with Thank You for listening and trying to point me in the right mental direction because I need that and you guys are so awesome. I just get caught up in typing sometimes. <3

 

Awww I didn't even think about like that.  

 

3 minutes ago, RogueLibrarian said:

YOU WILL BE FIRE

 

Yes you will!

 

[Asa Pond]

HBIC WORK MOVE #1 FOR THE NEW YEAR:

 

I saw a problem that we've had with one of our clients, extrapolated that the situation which caused said problem could occur in the future with other clients, came up with a possible solution, and presented (that sounds too official...) brought it up in our staff meeting. Both of my bosses didn't quite see the need, one was actively against even admitting the problem existed and blamed the client (it wasn't his fault) but the other (and more important) boss at least took it into consideration for the future which was all I was asking. It's not like we have to come up with an official policy on how to handle a similar situation but I think we can be better prepared for the next time something happens. 

 

WHY IS THIS A WIN?

 

When I first started at this company my then boss (who still works here but on a new team) told me I need to speak up more in meetings. I was mostly hesitant to do so up until relatively recently because I didn't fully understand how everything here works. HOWEVER, I'm starting to think that might be a positive, because if I don't know the rules then I can't stagnate because of them, right? Which is what is currently happening. Someone mentions a new way to do something and quite a few people here *Clutch Pearls* *Gasp* "But we've never done it like that before!" and it really isn't helping the company.

 

Some people are getting better. Others aren't.

 

Since I've started speaking up, two main things have happened (sometimes at the same time): 1) My idea gets shot down hard and without any consideration or 2) Someone else takes it later and presents it as their idea without giving me credit. 

 

NOW, I realize I shouldn't get credit all the time - my job is to make my bosses and team look good - which is fine. It just bothers me when someone clearly steals my idea and presents it as uniquely and entirely their own, without even giving the team credit. 

 

This main reaction has made me hesitant to speak up too, because why bother? But I've decided HBIC's speak up anyway and take the L like adults. I also have to be my own advocate though, so as soon as a certain idea gets stolen, I will speak to the offending party in person about how that needs to stop. 

 

#UNAPOLOGETICALLYME 

'Effin Badass

Confident

 

[RogueLibrarian]

Black Widow would definitely speak up in meetings.

 

Keep being like Black Widow.

[Mad Hatter]

Badass. 

 

Though it really sucks that you work in that kind of environment! 

[Asa Pond]

Had a really important phone conversation with my mother today that helped boost my confidence as well as help me make a plan for improving my work environment. 

 

First, she told me she was highly impressed and proud of me while listening to my work calls and meetings. I'm very obviously a highly self-critical person and hearing someone else say that I am good at what I do is really important to me. I don't get this kind of validation at work and it means more coming from her as I respect her more than my direct bosses anyway. She also helped me put into words about how I feel in regards to my work situation (essentially that I'm learning through making a bunch of mistakes instead of being guided and mentored) and we came up with a plan to talk to that old boss I mentioned earlier to see if he would be willing to mentor and coach me a bit. This would be super helpful as I 1) respect and admire him immensely and 2) he knows my bosses very well. He was also the person who originally hired me as an intern and then fought for me to get hired full time so he knows I have potential and something to contribute to the company and he's mentioned before that I can come talk to him. 

 

It will be difficult for me to approach him about this and the anxiety monster is going to creep up and try to stop me, but it can only help in the long run. Approaching him shows I am committed to improving myself as an employee and am willing to work on changing instead of stagnating where I am. 

[Asa Pond]

Below is essentially a rant about my job because I need to get it out somewhere - feel free to ignore!  

 

Spoiler

 

Work is seriously trying my patience this week. My boss is driving me up the wall and, while I am finally starting to get a handle on why she is driving me insane, the whole "changing my attitude and talking to people" thing is going to take time. Time that I might not have. *DUN DUN* 

 

Here's a little insight into who I am as a person: I don't like cut and dry rules. Sure A + B may equal C but it also equals B + A, it could equal D + E or G * H, and in some very rare cases, it could equal C + B. What I am trying to say is: I like doing new things and experimenting, which is part of the reason I took this job. It started out as a possible way to explore new things and be creative. However, since my new boss took over, she has been constantly micromanaging every. single. thing. that I do. And SHE LOVES CUT AND DRY RULES. It is one way (her way) or it is wrong.

 

And there is this huge cyclical process that occurs because of that: 1) I do something not exactly how she wants it done or how she thinks it should be done 2) she yells at me and tells me I didn't do it right 3) I ask for help in the future 4) she gives me only part of the equation 5) I take what I know from what she gave me and solve the equation my way (math is a really good metaphor okay?) ....and then we are back to number 1 again. 

 

And this week she has taken to bugging me about tiny little things almost 7 to 8 times a day. She doesn't trust me to do my job and that grates on me like nothing other. I've made mistakes - I'll admit that. Hey, I'm a relatively new grad. It's what we do - but it doesn't mean I am incompetent. But the more she does this and the more the autonomy I feel that I have in my job dissolves, the less quality work I am going to put out simply because I don't care. Which leads back into a cycle of me making mistakes or letting things slide and her thinking I'm incompetent. 

 

I don't place all the blame on her in the situation we are in now. I am letting her behavior negatively impact me and my performance and I need to get over it. But a lot of it could have been prevented had she had some basic managerial skills before taking on the role as my supervisor (not her fault either - that's the company's problem too).  

 

Also - one of the reasons I love this forum is because I thrive on praise. I love people telling me I did a good job on something or that I took initiative or that I have good ideas. I'm sure a shrink would love me (related - I am going to my first therapy appt today which should be fun. I am not good at therapy. I'm really bad at it, but I want to chat through some things before I go to law school and I will try to actually stick with it this time). This doesn't mean I don't want constructive criticism, in fact I will literally tell people to tell me what I am doing wrong because I want to learn - and learning from my mistakes is one of my top ways of learning. All I want is the occasional mention that something I did was in the right direction.

 

Okay enough. Rant over. Moving forward. Bad bitching it up in this place. 

 

 

[Asa Pond]

I need a better organization system for my goals. So this post is playing with ways to organize.

 

January:

AT LEAST 4 sessions of Krav Maga (4/4) 

Review feasibility of continuing KM after 1 month

AT LEAST 4 Climbing sessions (3/4) 

AT LEAST 15 Additional Workouts (9/12)

AT LEAST 8 hours of studying French (6/8)

Write out Study Plan for LSAT

Pay off one credit debt (Computer)

Make a debt repayment plan

 

February:

AT LEAST 4 sessions of Krav Maga (8/8) 

Review feasibility of continuing KM after 1 month

AT LEAST 12 Additional Workouts (12/12)

AT LEAST 8 hours of studying French (1/8)

AT LEAST 20 hours of studying LSAT (1/20)

Pay off $500 towards a single credit debt

 

March:

TBD

 

[Asa Pond]

Actual work is being done towards accomplishing my goals!

 

I put together a credit card repayment plan that should help me have everything paid off before I go to law school in 2018 (yay!). 

 

I also applied to teach an LSAT study course because my score was enough to qualify me to teach. This will be helpful in two ways - additional income (always a plus) and essentially a free course and required study schedule to help me meet my own goal? Please and thank you. Cross your fingers for me - this job would be a huge help. 

 

I should make a tracker and every time I do something towards achieving one of my 2017 goals I'll mark it. 

[RogueLibrarian]

On 1/16/2017 at 0:33 PM, Asa Pond said:

I also applied to teach an LSAT study course because my score was enough to qualify me to teach.

 

This and you were still self-critical about your score?