Loss as a motivator: I don't know what else to do

[Swinging_Jarnbjorn]

Today is two weeks since it happened. I can't think of a worse way to spend Christmas, and to be honest, I'm not even sure I'm dealing with it yet, but I'm doing the best I can. 

 

My dad died.

 

This is the first time I've put those words in print. I'm staring at the words, and it's like they're looking back at me. Mocking me. Daring me to do something. But I can't do anything about it. I think about the way I handled the days before we let him go, and it's like I'm watching someone reenact my reactions. That doppelganger is saying my lines, but it doesn't feel like it's me. I'm still numb. Sometimes I cry, but it's always unexpected, and almost never when I'm thinking about him directly. Yesterday I cried while watching a documentary about the 2015 Crossfit games. I wasn't empathizing with someone at a low point. I had just watched Matt Fraser outsmart a floppy sandbag. What the heck? I'm just so raw.

 

I'm not sitting around in my sweats, playing Titanfall 2 all day though. I had a week of that. I threw my pity party, splashed around in my pity pool, and then I dusted myself off and reached for the raw almonds and fresh blueberries. I was hungry, and that combo is amazing. I don't know what to do. I don't have a plan. I have a way, though, and that way is forward. I'm doing the things. I'm keeping the streak alive. When I complete my active recovery today (stretching, walking, possibly yoga), I will mark off day 7 on my mental calendar. That's a full week of workouts. 

 

The last thing I received from my dad was a pendant that said, among other things, "Be the man I know you can be."

 

I'm trying like hell. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll never quit trying.

 

I'll have a new 4-week challenge up today. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

So sorry for your loss. For what it's worth, it sounds like you are grieving normally, and in a healthy way. You will honor your father by living your life to the fullest and best of your ability.

[Morag]

I am so sorry for your loss.

---

"Travel lightly, for what you bring with you becomes part of your landscape." -Anne Bishop

[Swinging_Jarnbjorn]

@Tanktimus, @Katrin, 

 

Thank  you so much for your kind words. In complete honesty, I don't know how to handle this. I'm just doing what I believe my dad would have me do. I feel like I'm dragging a boulder behind me, everywhere I go, but if Dad were here, he'd just grab the rope and help me drag it. He'd probably occasionally tug the opposite way though. Those were his little "I love you" reminders.

[Morag]

None of us know how to deal with a death as personal as loosing a parent. Not until we went through it and even then it is a journey coloured heavily by the relationship of the one who is gone and the one who stays behind. It's deeply personal. And that is okay.

You are doing extraordinary well. The only thing you can do is play it by ear. And that is exactly what you are doing. Asking yourself what your dad would want you to do. Pouring your effort into who he knew you could be. Allowing yourself to grief. In your own time. You're going to be alright eventually. I promise.

---

"Travel lightly, for what you bring with you becomes part of your landscape." -Anne Bishop

[Swinging_Jarnbjorn]

On 1/8/2017 at 11:23 PM, Katrin Josephina Morag said:

You're going to be alright eventually. I promise.

Thank you for the kind words. I hope you're right, because every day, I just want to wreck stuff. I've always been "the hands." I take care of people. I help. I create. I don't want to do any of that right now. I just want to punch and kick and scream and burn it all to the ground. 

 

I won't, though. I'm not that guy, no matter how much my ragebeast wants me to be. That's not how you pick up the hammer. 

 

Instead, I reflect, I work towards improvement, and I keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to those important moments of truth and clarity, hoping one day tehy'll guide me to where I need to be.

[Morag]

I just want to punch and kick and scream and burn it all to the ground. 

 

I won't, though. I'm not that guy, no matter how much my ragebeast wants me to be. That's not how you pick up the hammer. 

 

Instead, I reflect, I work towards improvement, and I keep my eyes, ears, and heart open to those important moments of truth and clarity, hoping one day tehy'll guide me to where I need to be.

I'm not a counselor, just a fellow human.

Rage is a part of grieving. We're so good at bottling up anger. It's not polite. It's messy and ugly. I know it's hard to feel it and not let it change who you are, but life couldn't be without aggression. Chewing, is one of the most basic forms of healthy destruction. Shredding paper by hand instead of letting the machine do it, throwing glass into a recycling bin - hard, chopping wood, cutting up vegetables. If all of that is too tame, you may have to sweat a different way, find a heavy sack and some good gloves to punch it out. Or even an hour at the firing range might help. Don't swallow it down, and bottle it up. You can't think away the pain, you can only feel your way through it. Find a way to express it, even if on paper. We're here for you. Vent away.

Loving. Being vulnerable like that. It hurts. A lot. In an ocean of untethered pain, anger can be your first lifeline, don't hate yourself for being angry. It's okay to feel like that. Very normal. Utterly, absolutely okay. Allow yourself to be like this at the moment. Be compassionate towards YOU. You just lost your father. If it were the man next to you, you wouldn't judge him for raging against the unfairness of it all. You wouldn't think badly of him for thrashing about in his pain. Be there for yourself. Give yourself the same compassion.

I'm sorry, for the pain you are in. It is okay. You don't have to be polite and nice and evolved. It's okay. Grief is messy. We are not deterred by any messy feelings, we're here for you. We're nerds, we're holding on tight. You couldn't get rid of us if you tried!

All the hugs for you.

Katrin

---

"Travel lightly, for what you bring with you becomes part of your landscape." -Anne Bishop

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

20 hours ago, Katrin Josephina Morag said:

I'm not a counselor, just a fellow human.

Rage is a part of grieving. We're so good at bottling up anger. It's not polite. It's messy and ugly. I know it's hard to feel it and not let it change who you are, but life couldn't be without aggression. Chewing, is one of the most basic forms of healthy destruction. Shredding paper by hand instead of letting the machine do it, throwing glass into a recycling bin - hard, chopping wood, cutting up vegetables. If all of that is too tame, you may have to sweat a different way, find a heavy sack and some good gloves to punch it out. Or even an hour at the firing range might help. Don't swallow it down, and bottle it up. You can't think away the pain, you can only feel your way through it. Find a way to express it, even if on paper. We're here for you. Vent away.

Loving. Being vulnerable like that. It hurts. A lot. In an ocean of untethered pain, anger can be your first lifeline, don't hate yourself for being angry. It's okay to feel like that. Very normal. Utterly, absolutely okay. Allow yourself to be like this at the moment. Be compassionate towards YOU. You just lost your father. If it were the man next to you, you wouldn't judge him for raging against the unfairness of it all. You wouldn't think badly of him for thrashing about in his pain. Be there for yourself. Give yourself the same compassion.

I'm sorry, for the pain you are in. It is okay. You don't have to be polite and nice and evolved. It's okay. Grief is messy. We are not deterred by any messy feelings, we're here for you. We're nerds, we're holding on tight. You couldn't get rid of us if you tried!

All the hugs for you.

Katrin

---

"Travel lightly, for what you bring with you becomes part of your landscape." -Anne Bishop

Exactly right. 

[Thrima]

I am so sorry about your loss. You sound like brave, wise and kind person. There is never an easy way to go through grief, but it will get easier, I promise you this.

[Swinging_Jarnbjorn]

I made it to the gym today, and I did some thinking. It was good. I've got so far to go....like, unimaginably far. But I'll get there the same way as Sam and Frodo. One step at a time. My thoughts from earlier follow.

 

Today is a strength training day, and the workout was Ice Cream Fitness 5x5 Workout A. Since I didn’t go to bed until around 1:30 this morning, I didn’t get up until 30 minutes before work, so I decided to go to the gym on my lunch break, with the permission of my coworkers to take a longer lunch.

---

• Goblet (Goblin) Squats 45#x1x3, 60#x1x3, 75#x5x5

• Wide Grip Bench Press 75#x5x5

• Bent Over Rows 60#x5x5

• Barbell Shrugs 110#x5x5

• Skullcrushers 45#x3x8

• Straight Bar Curls 50#x3x8

• Back Extensions w/ 15# 3X10

• Cable Crunches w/ 45# 3x10

---

My thoughts: That was a long dang lunch, made longer by the fact that I felt shaky after my workout and decided to get takeout instead of going home and cooking. My lunch was healthy - steak fajitas with no rice, beans, or tortillas, mixed veg on the side, and half of a sweet potato - but it cost kind of a lot of time away from work plus the money spend on it. That’s the result of poor planning. It made me think about my processes, and how I can improve them. 

What could I have done differently? For starters, If I’d gone to bed two hours earlier, I could have gotten up 90 minutes earlier, had time to work out before my shift, still gotten to work on time, and I’d have gotten an extra half-hour of sleep. My lunch wouldn’t have needed to be as long, and my coworkers wouldn’t have had to cover my end of the (admittedly minor) workload for that time. I do enjoy sleeping in just a bit on Saturdays, but when I think about my dad, who met his challenges head-on, and insisted on getting up, showering, and getting dressed every day, even when receiving chemotherapy. He didn’t let that hardship keep him from greeting his day, rather than just letting it happen around him. Dad greeted the day; I can do the same.

Also, I need to meal prep. Whether weekly, daily, or monthly (if i’m feeling crazy), having a meal ready to go right after my workout will mitigate that shakiness, provide me with healthy eats, and generally support my overall goal of building toward the best version of myself.