Think I am an alcoholic

[ctparrilli]

This is gonna be a long post everyone, so bear with me. I need the help. Little background. I’m 24, diagnosed with Bipolar II (bipolar with major depressive disorder) and am takings meds for it. Alcohol basically washes the meds right out of my body, effectively making it useless to take meds. They have worked wonders in the past, but now booze is the only thing doing anything.

I used to drink socially, only at parties or the bars, but is gotten to the point where I drink every day now. I’ll have 3-4 beers after work on the weekdays, and probably a 6 pack on the weekends. Worse part is I am now drinking at work. I’ll have a four loko during my lunch break, or bring some vodka in a shaker bottle and mix it with something during lunch. I don’t get drunk from this, or at night, but I just can’t stop the drinking. Only time I get drunk is if I go out to the bars. Even then, I can’t really get super drunk. I always vomit before I get there. I have never blacked out in my life cuz I’ll vomit before that.

Now the shitty part, I hide it from my fiancé whom I live with. She sees me drinking beer at night, but doesn’t know about the drinking at work, or the drinking on the weekends (she works on the weekends while I have them off). I guess you could say I am a full blown alcoholic. Now it doesn’t affect my life negatively though. I don’t get in “trouble” because of it. I haven’t lost a job, or my fiancé, or anyone in my family because of it, but I know it is out of hand.

I have never really tried to stop. I think it might be because I don’t really get drunk, I just drink to drink. But the health effects are horrible. Like I said earlier, the booze makes my meds useless. I have gained 50 pounds in the last 2 years (most of which I can’t attribute to the booze, but it has played a big part). For the first time ever, I have stretch marks. They are deep purple/red and all over my stomach and legs. I messed up and will always have those on my body and makes me disgusted at myself. I want to lose weight so bad, but when I start working out or diet, I always mess up and then drink to “numb the pain”.

I have tried to stop but fail after 1 day pretty much. I don’t really know how to stop or where to start. I just needed to get this off my chest. Anyone been through a similar experience and can lend some advice? I don’t know if it would be best to just cut back on my drinking, or try to go completely sober and hop on the wagon. As I said, it’s not really negatively affecting my life, but going completely without it sounds like the best option at this point. Maybe re-evaluate in the future, but start there now?????

Thanks for reading guys.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, ctparrilli said:

I don’t get in “trouble” because of it. I haven’t lost a job, or my fiancé, or anyone in my family because of it, but I know it is out of hand.

Yet. None of those things has happened yet. If you continue down the same path, one or more than one of those things is

 

1 hour ago, ctparrilli said:

I think it might be because I don’t really get drunk, I just drink to drink.

I think you are "Drunk" but you've built up such a tolerance that you can function with a higher blood alcohol content than most.

 

1 hour ago, ctparrilli said:

As I said, it’s not really negatively affecting my life,

That you can see. You've already noted the health effects, likely there are more than what you are seeing.

 

I say none of these things as an accusation, rather as a way to reframe the situation. You know you need help and have asked for it, which is important. Alcoholics Anonymous is a good place to start, as is your Employee Assistance Program if where you work has one.

 

[m rips]

Best bet is cold turkey. My sister is a full-blown alcoholic (currently in rehab for the 6th time this year). Don't wait until tomorrow, or next week, or the weekend. Get help NOW. If you can't dump out every lick of alcohol you have this second, you need help. If you just need someone to talk to, I will be that someone. It is NEVER too late to turn your life around.

 

As for your stretch marks, they will get lighter with proper hydration, nutrition, and time. I promise. I have them, and now they're just very light white. They're battle scars

 

And yes, it is negatively affecting your life. (Sorry no beating around the bush here, tough love is needed in these situations <3 )

[ctparrilli]

15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Yet. None of those things has happened yet. If you continue down the same path, one or more than one of those things is

 

I think you are "Drunk" but you've built up such a tolerance that you can function with a higher blood alcohol content than most.

 

That you can see. You've already noted the health effects, likely there are more than what you are seeing.

 

I say none of these things as an accusation, rather as a way to reframe the situation. You know you need help and have asked for it, which is important. Alcoholics Anonymous is a good place to start, as is your Employee Assistance Program if where you work has one.

 

 

The "yets" are definitely a wake up call. I can see what you're saying about how it will eventually start affecting my life negatively. And don't worry about being harsh, I need to hear it. It really is crazy how much I can drink without getting drunk. That's kind of a wake up call for me too. I appreciate the advice!

 

13 hours ago, mmead0105 said:

Best bet is cold turkey. My sister is a full-blown alcoholic (currently in rehab for the 6th time this year). Don't wait until tomorrow, or next week, or the weekend. Get help NOW. If you can't dump out every lick of alcohol you have this second, you need help. If you just need someone to talk to, I will be that someone. It is NEVER too late to turn your life around.

 

As for your stretch marks, they will get lighter with proper hydration, nutrition, and time. I promise. I have them, and now they're just very light white. They're battle scars

 

And yes, it is negatively affecting your life. (Sorry no beating around the bush here, tough love is needed in these situations <3 )

 

As above, thank you for being honest with me. I need to be told like it is. I guess the only option is to do it day by day and see if I really want it. Oh, and thanks for the info on stretch marks. I appreciate you replying!

[DyDy]

I second the whitening of the stretch marks. They will get better over time if you are being gentle to your body. Right now, you are treating it like shit. And why would you?

[ctparrilli]

19 hours ago, DyDy said:

I second the whitening of the stretch marks. They will get better over time if you are being gentle to your body. Right now, you are treating it like shit. And why would you?

 

Thanks for the advice. It's been a wake up call for sure. I know they happen slowly, but I feel like I just woke up one day and my body was covered in them. Real depressing.

[Raincloak]

You think you might be addicted.

 

You're sneaking alcohol because you feel ashamed of how much and when you use.

 

You're drinking on the job.

 

You feel like you can't stop, like you have a compulsion to use it even when you don't really want to.

 

You drink to cope with emotional problems.

 

You frequently drink alone. 

 

You don't like the way it makes you look or feel, yet you do it regularly anyway.

 

YES THIS MEANS YOU HAVE A SUBSTANCE ABUSE DISORDER.  PLEASE CALL A HOTLINE OR YOUR DOCTOR NOW, I MEAN RIGHT NOW. 

 

On behalf of your fiance, your friends, your boss, your coworkers, your town's police department, and the local hospitals, thank you.

 

 

 

[DyDy]

19 hours ago, ctparrilli said:

 

Thanks for the advice. It's been a wake up call for sure. I know they happen slowly, but I feel like I just woke up one day and my body was covered in them. Real depressing.

Yes. Now go do something about it. Even if it is a small step just like contacting your docter's office.

[ctparrilli]

10 hours ago, Raincloak said:

You think you might be addicted.

 

You're sneaking alcohol because you feel ashamed of how much and when you use.

 

You're drinking on the job.

 

You feel like you can't stop, like you have a compulsion to use it even when you don't really want to.

 

You drink to cope with emotional problems.

 

You frequently drink alone. 

 

You don't like the way it makes you look or feel, yet you do it regularly anyway.

 

YES THIS MEANS YOU HAVE A SUBSTANCE ABUSE DISORDER.  PLEASE CALL A HOTLINE OR YOUR DOCTOR NOW, I MEAN RIGHT NOW. 

 

On behalf of your fiance, your friends, your boss, your coworkers, your town's police department, and the local hospitals, thank you.

 

 

 

 

Damn....no one has ever been so blunt with me. You are right in every way. I had 2 days without a drop but had a few beers at a concert last night. I know that's fine, but it feels like a failure.

 

[Mr.Six]

26 minutes ago, ctparrilli said:

I know that's fine, but it feels like a failure.

Relapses are a part of the sobriety journey.  Forgive yourself.  Once you've done that, figure out what you can learn from the experience.  You've got this.

[taymonsta]

Hey ctparrilli, 

 

So sorry to hear that you are going through all of this  I have a history of self-destructive behavior, not alcohol, but weed, self-harm, eating disorder. Weed definitely, I smoked everyday to a stupid point where I would binge. Sometimes going to work/ class high as a kite. I think the hardest part is to sit with yourself and really force yourself to find the underlying cause of the behavior. I find therapy extremely helpful. You can't do it alone. I am in a long term relationship and sometimes I feel so much shame if I "slip" or do something I feel guilty about. But if you love the person you are with, and they love you right back, sometimes the most healing thing is to be upfront about it and ask for help. I think often times these diseases and addictions thrive off of secrecy, isolation, and shame. So sometimes casting a bit of light on them and asking for help dismantles their power. 

 

I am new on this journey on NerdFitness, but one of the things that has stuck with me most is the small steps and little changes. I think quiting"cold turkey" is fine... but I think in order to be successful doing that you will need a plan and support team in place to catch you for the inevitable slip ups. Is there an AA meeting place near you? What about talking to your doctor and being upfront? Do you have close friends/ coworkers who can support you? Can you and your fiance make a plan for any set backs or anger you might have? 

 

It will not be a walk in the park, but it will be healing and it is far from impossible. You can count me in as one of your supports! I've been to treatment centers twice, and countless Intensive Outpatient facilities. I can talk the talk, and I am slowly learning to walk the walk. I can promise you it WILL get better. But the road is not always straight or direct. Be as patient as you can, and know there will be times when you feel angry or defeated, and it is those times you have to be kindest. One thing I learned in treatment that still stays with me is the idea of "Opposite Action". So for example, when I want to cut myself or hurt myself in any way, I try to instead put lotion on my body or draw with a marker designs. When i want to isolate and not go out in public, I instead force myself to find someone to talk to, call on the phone, or sit quietly in a room together, maybe not even talking. It is these actions that are sometimes the only way to break the cycle. 

 

Remember, you are not the first, and definitely not the last person to have these troubles. And also remember how much love and support already exists around you and realize those resources. 

 

I'm rooting for you!! 

 

Taymonsta

[ctparrilli]

2 hours ago, Mr.Six said:

Relapses are a part of the sobriety journey.  Forgive yourself.  Once you've done that, figure out what you can learn from the experience.  You've got this.

Thanks for the positive vibes! I have always been hard on myself. It's gonna be hard for me to realize that mishaps are part of the process without getting myself down.

[ctparrilli]

25 minutes ago, taymonsta said:

Hey ctparrilli, 

 

So sorry to hear that you are going through all of this  I have a history of self-destructive behavior, not alcohol, but weed, self-harm, eating disorder. Weed definitely, I smoked everyday to a stupid point where I would binge. Sometimes going to work/ class high as a kite. I think the hardest part is to sit with yourself and really force yourself to find the underlying cause of the behavior. I find therapy extremely helpful. You can't do it alone. I am in a long term relationship and sometimes I feel so much shame if I "slip" or do something I feel guilty about. But if you love the person you are with, and they love you right back, sometimes the most healing thing is to be upfront about it and ask for help. I think often times these diseases and addictions thrive off of secrecy, isolation, and shame. So sometimes casting a bit of light on them and asking for help dismantles their power. 

 

I am new on this journey on NerdFitness, but one of the things that has stuck with me most is the small steps and little changes. I think quiting"cold turkey" is fine... but I think in order to be successful doing that you will need a plan and support team in place to catch you for the inevitable slip ups. Is there an AA meeting place near you? What about talking to your doctor and being upfront? Do you have close friends/ coworkers who can support you? Can you and your fiance make a plan for any set backs or anger you might have? 

 

It will not be a walk in the park, but it will be healing and it is far from impossible. You can count me in as one of your supports! I've been to treatment centers twice, and countless Intensive Outpatient facilities. I can talk the talk, and I am slowly learning to walk the walk. I can promise you it WILL get better. But the road is not always straight or direct. Be as patient as you can, and know there will be times when you feel angry or defeated, and it is those times you have to be kindest. One thing I learned in treatment that still stays with me is the idea of "Opposite Action". So for example, when I want to cut myself or hurt myself in any way, I try to instead put lotion on my body or draw with a marker designs. When i want to isolate and not go out in public, I instead force myself to find someone to talk to, call on the phone, or sit quietly in a room together, maybe not even talking. It is these actions that are sometimes the only way to break the cycle. 

 

Remember, you are not the first, and definitely not the last person to have these troubles. And also remember how much love and support already exists around you and realize those resources. 

 

I'm rooting for you!! 

 

Taymonsta

 

Taymonsta - I am glad to hear you are doing better! Gives me hope that I can get through this. I can't really pinpoint why I drink. It's not my bipolar that makes me do it, it's not depression, idk really. I guess I just enjoy it....but it has gotten out of hand. I too am in a long term relationship and my fiance has hinted that she thinks I have a problem, but I always brush it off and say I don't. Because of that, I started to drink alone, which is think is worse than admitting to her I need help. Oddly enough, I never really got anything out of therapy. I talked to 3 different psychologist's, each one for about 5 sessions, and I didn't see the benefit. I'm probably just too hard headed for it to be effective.

 

My fiance is the only support I will have. I can't go to friends/family. I think if I put the shame aside and admit it to her, she will be 100% willing to help. One thing that has been hard is to find an activity to replace the drinking. I'm glad you found something that works for you, and I need to find that also. Going to the gym will only take an hour out of my day, so that leaves me with a lot of time I need to fill with positive, healthy, and sustainable activities so I don't relapse. 

 

Thank you for the kind words and I am rooting for you as well!

[Mr.Six]

37 minutes ago, ctparrilli said:

It's gonna be hard for me to realize that mishaps are part of the process without getting myself down.

Definitely.  This was a key for me in working on my addiction.

 

33 minutes ago, ctparrilli said:

My fiance is the only support I will have. I can't go to friends/family.

Dude. You'll have supporters in the rebellion as long as you need us.  I know it's not the same as having someone in person, but I still haven't talked to a lot of my friends/family about what I've gone through and have managed to find support here and elsewhere online.  If you are serious about making a change, seek the resources that are out there.  

[ctparrilli]

1 hour ago, Mr.Six said:

Definitely.  This was a key for me in working on my addiction.

 

Dude. You'll have supporters in the rebellion as long as you need us.  I know it's not the same as having someone in person, but I still haven't talked to a lot of my friends/family about what I've gone through and have managed to find support here and elsewhere online.  If you are serious about making a change, seek the resources that are out there.  

 

I appreciate that man. Although we aren't in person, just talking to someone who's been through a similar experience is very helpful.

[taymonsta]

8 hours ago, ctparrilli said:

 

Taymonsta - I am glad to hear you are doing better! Gives me hope that I can get through this. I can't really pinpoint why I drink. It's not my bipolar that makes me do it, it's not depression, idk really. I guess I just enjoy it....but it has gotten out of hand. I too am in a long term relationship and my fiance has hinted that she thinks I have a problem, but I always brush it off and say I don't. Because of that, I started to drink alone, which is think is worse than admitting to her I need help. Oddly enough, I never really got anything out of therapy. I talked to 3 different psychologist's, each one for about 5 sessions, and I didn't see the benefit. I'm probably just too hard headed for it to be effective.

 

My fiance is the only support I will have. I can't go to friends/family. I think if I put the shame aside and admit it to her, she will be 100% willing to help. One thing that has been hard is to find an activity to replace the drinking. I'm glad you found something that works for you, and I need to find that also. Going to the gym will only take an hour out of my day, so that leaves me with a lot of time I need to fill with positive, healthy, and sustainable activities so I don't relapse. 

 

Thank you for the kind words and I am rooting for you as well!

Thats great that you have your fiance's support!  And I'm sorry to hear therapy wasn't beneficial to you, especially since it seems like you really gave it a try. Knowing what works and doesnt work for you is a half the recovery. Keep posting and reaching out - we are all here for you! 

[ctparrilli]

got 2 days in guys!!!!!.....then messed up. well i don't want to be too hard on myself. going cold turkey doesn't seem feasible right now. anyway, got 2 days without a sip, then wednesday night i went to the Jake Owen concert (any country fans!!!) and had 5 or so beers. felt pretty bad about myself the next morning (yesterday). last night, i poured myself a glass, had one sip, then dumped it out. i was able to control myself. hoping tonight and the weekend will go easy and i will be able to resist!

[Raincloak]

When's the part where you get professional help?  I am very serious about this.  If you were going to get better on your own you would have by now.  Please get help.  5 sessions is not enough to treat a psychiatric disorder, that's like exercising 5 times and wondering why you're not Hugh Jackman yet.  You need to give it more commitment.  If you didn't click with any therapist so far, keep looking till you find the right one.

 

[fitnessgurl]

Here's the thing...something is driving your compulsion to drink. If you don't figure out what it is & then deal with it...the drinking won't stop. Maybe it's something that happened as a kid & you have never come to terms with it or maybe you blocked it out. Maybe you know why, but have refused to deal with it. The time has come to do so. Do it now! Alcoholism is slow suicide. Don't do this to yourself. Please get help.