Back again, hopefully for good this time.

[Zarklin]

Title really sums it up. I've been gone for a long time from NF and from taking care of myself in general. Over the last nearly 2 years I've tried to come back on many occasions, I really want it to stick this time.  Last try was back in August and even after finally doing my physical therapy nothing stuck...... I'll admit now that depression and anxiety is one hell of a foe and I regret not facing my demons for so many years. Even after busting my ass and getting down to my high school weight I still hated my existence. The shoulder injury just pushed me over the edge. There was no amount of encouragement that could drag me out, everyday was like the wight of the world on me. So now 6 days shy of my 2 year mark of disappearing into a depressive hole here I am again. 

 

I had a bit of a metal break just over a week ago and everything seemed to change. I reconnected with an old friend about a week prior who was fighting a similar mental battle. The more we talked the more I dove into all this things about me I buried. It was encouraging at first, we talked and helped each other out. I attended my first MTG pre-release event, I've wanted to go since I started playing over a year ago and I had talked myself out of going to everyone. My wife encouraged me to go and I finally did this time. I almost turned around a left when I got there, yay anxiety! Luckily my friend talked me down through text and I made it the whole night. Sweating palms and near shaking a few times but it felt good after. At that point I realized it was all in my mind. I needed to dig into everything I fought so hard to keep put away. The rest of the week was a constant back and forth in my head. Prying out everything I knew I was and needed to be again. Running through every memory I tried to hide, every loved ones death I never came to grips with, a friends suicide all of it rushed back that week. Yes I should have done this with a counselor or something because it was hard, damn hard. I felt like I was drowning, fighting that never ending battle that I didn't have the endurance for.  I sat that following Friday night and drank my dinner trying to deal with it all. It hurt, bad, probably the worst I hurt in years. But this time as I sat there slowing melting away I thought about the fact that this time was different. There was nothing "wrong" in my life right then. No tragedy, no fight it was nothing but a battle in my own mind telling me I was nothing, that I couldn't handle it. So I starting digging through old pictures on my PC. Half a bottle in and a few tears later I kinda snapped. I couldn't run from my past any longer and I saw a glimpse of who I used to be. I knew my son deserved better than an anxious depressed drunk who's only reason for still breathing was his kid. I didn't want him to cope like I did, hell he's only five and has been saying he's horrible and worthless when he gets in trouble. I can't let him go down that road. Years I spent trying to fill a bottomless pit with stuff, wasted hobbies, other peoples problems (easier to focus on theirs than my own I guess) and lots and lots of whiskey. I knew this hallow shell wasn't me, somewhere in there was a good man. Outgoing ready to take on the world. My kid needs that man. He needs to know he is worth it. I finally managed to fall asleep that night hoping I could keep that attitude the next day. Somehow I woke up refreshed that Saturday I felt better than I had in years. I kissed my son that morning and went out for a day. Got a hair cut and some misc clothes I needed and felt awesome. I went and played MTG for the rest of the day and just rode the high. I've been doing everything in my power to keep pushing in the right direction since.

 

Part of me still thought it wouldn't last but after a couple days it was gone. I've been awake before 6 everyday but Sunday. Making breakfast for me and the kid. Food has been on point, got my gym put back together. Prepped meals for this week and restarted 5x5 today. I still have to fight my mind every now and again but I've managed to sleep without a drink in over a week. I need this to last. He needs this to last. I'm putting every ounce of energy into keeping this going. I can't sink again, not this time. But for the first time since I was 17 I'm not relying on someone/thing to fill this hole and make me feel like I'm worth it.

 

Don't be a prisoner of your own mind. Don't rely on anything/one other than yourself to make you feel whole. Don't wait for your world to change, change your world.  It's hard, it's scary, it can almost break you. But you can and will make it through and you are worth it.

 

Sorry for the wall of text! Hope to see you rebels around for awhile.

 

-Zark

[DyDy]

Mindset is everything. It is either your greatest asset or your worst enemy.

 

Good to see you back!

[m rips]

I wish I could love this times a million. Life is so hard sometimes, but in a nutshell, we will only get out of it what we put in. Sometimes we hit rock bottom, and after a while (whether it be a day, 5 days, 3 months) we realize this is NOT somewhere we want to be anymore, especially when we have a kid. We get so comfortable there, it's dark, it's addicting. But finally we see the light and are like hey, it's time to turn around. And you remember what it's like to be truly happy again. 

Good for you for coming back, I've recently decided to come back and really make an attempt to stick to the forum this time. Welcome to the family

[Violetta]

Welcome, fellow Michigander!!

 

Have you tried meds, since this seems to be something you've been fighting for a while? Pretty much my entire maternal family struggles with some degree of anxiety or depression, and they've made a world of difference for me. 

[Zarklin]

6 hours ago, Violetta said:

Welcome, fellow Michigander!!

 

Have you tried meds, since this seems to be something you've been fighting for a while? Pretty much my entire maternal family struggles with some degree of anxiety or depression, and they've made a world of difference for me. 

 

Hey neighbor, how's winter treating ya?

 

No I haven't tried meds. Honestly I self medicated with food, alcohol and nicotine for years. I probably should have at some point but never tried to get help or face anything. I'm still putting a lot of thought into the past and seeing the patterns and how I reacted. It's helping avoid the pits falls for now. I've also got a pretty good support structure right now. It's helped beyond belief to be in contact with people who remind you of how you used to be. But if I start to slip I may consider seeing a counselor and possibly meds.