Relapse?

[Morgana]

I told everyone I was feeling better. I told my boyfriend I hadn't binged at all in 2017, and I told my therapist the same. In fact, my therapist and I have been talking about ending services since I've been able to handle my anxiety and eating disorder on my own. I thought I would be okay.

 

Then yesterday happened. I had a big anxiety attack, did some stupid things, called my mom crying, lashed out at my boyfriend, hit myself. When it was over, I ordered Chinese food to binge on, after I'd eaten almost a full day of calories already. When the food came, it wasn't like one of my normal binges where I eat thousands at one time. I was able to eat only half of what I ordered. It was like a half-binge.

 

But I just ate the other half, just now for "breakfast" (will probably count as lunch also). 1000 calories before 8 a.m.

 

It's not what most people would call a binge. It's not an outrageous number. But for me, coming from Binge Eating Disorder, it's not really about the number for me. It's about the mindset. But I don't even know if I can call this a binge anymore because I chose to order that food for the emotional release I knew it would give me. I think that's more along the lines of food addiction. Food makes me feel so much better. I get so happy when I eat. I know that's not right. I know I feel about food as a smoker feels about a cigarette or an alcoholic feels about a beer or a junkie feels about heroin. I'm not meaning to be dramatic, but I think people underestimate the power of dopamine. I know there is something wrong with how I use food.

 

I'm not worried about B.E.D. anymore. I think I am recovered from that. But I am not recovered from food addiction and it is hindering my ability to lose weight. I want to do better. I need to! So hey, I'm back. I want to be healthy more than anything. 

[Arkham]

I can't really offer any advice here, but I did want to offer my support! I have faith in you that you can conquer this. (:

I have anxiety too, and I also tend to eat when I have anxiety attacks. It doesn't help that my boyfriend always offers, "Do you wanna get food?" when I get into that mindset, but eating really does help. It's something I've gotta work on as well, so you're definitely not alone in this.

 

I wish you good luck in everything! c:

[Mr.Six]

I'll echo Arkham - you are definitely not alone in this.  While I love food, it's not my dopamine-releasing addiction of choice.  I won't go into that here other than to let you know that there are rebels who've got your back if you need/want support.

[Morgana]

20 hours ago, Arkham said:

I can't really offer any advice here, but I did want to offer my support! I have faith in you that you can conquer this. (:

I have anxiety too, and I also tend to eat when I have anxiety attacks. It doesn't help that my boyfriend always offers, "Do you wanna get food?" when I get into that mindset, but eating really does help. It's something I've gotta work on as well, so you're definitely not alone in this.

 

I wish you good luck in everything! c:

 

17 hours ago, Mr.Six said:

I'll echo Arkham - you are definitely not alone in this.  While I love food, it's not my dopamine-releasing addiction of choice.  I won't go into that here other than to let you know that there are rebels who've got your back if you need/want support.

 

Thank you both. I pretty much had an awful eating day yesterday and the day before. I'm also going to my parents' house this weekend and I know there will be too many opportunities to mess up eating there. But I have such a food hangover today that I can't fathom eating as much as I have been. Maybe I'll detox by drinking lots of water and eating small portions.

 

I'm annoyed at how much food affects my mood, but it is what it is and I can change it. I'm really glad there's people like you two on this site to help!!~

[Mr.Six]

7 hours ago, Morgana said:

I'm annoyed at how much food affects my mood, but it is what it is and I can change it.

Why do you want to change beyond just losing weight?  What motivates you that is greater than the dopamine fix you get from the food?  I want you to say this.  Either on the forum or PM me.  For me, articulating concrete reasons I need to stop (I was wasting hours of my life; putting my addiction over my family; and my behavior was progressing to a point that could jeopardize my job, marriage...) seems to focus my resolve.

 

Good luck this weekend.  It can be hard to moderate around family.  Drinking more water and limiting portions will help, but something I do to eat more healthy at family functions is eat more of the things I wouldn't normally--veggies. *cringe*  That way I don't eat as many of the carbs and sweets that my parents are known for having at meals.

[Arkham]

17 hours ago, Morgana said:

 

 

Thank you both. I pretty much had an awful eating day yesterday and the day before. I'm also going to my parents' house this weekend and I know there will be too many opportunities to mess up eating there. But I have such a food hangover today that I can't fathom eating as much as I have been. Maybe I'll detox by drinking lots of water and eating small portions.

 

I'm annoyed at how much food affects my mood, but it is what it is and I can change it. I'm really glad there's people like you two on this site to help!!~

 

I totally feel you. Going to any family functions for me involves a myriad of unhealthy foods, and up until now I would have happily partaken in all of them. Drinking water definitely helps to curb the appetite. When I was a kid, and I would complain to my mom that I was hungry, she'd always say, "No you're not. You're just thirsty." and I think she was on the right track there. lol

 

When I feel anxious and know I'm going to want to eat, I try to chew gum instead. It helps me more often than not, so that might be something you could try as well? I think it's more of the chewing motion that relieves my anxiety than the actual food though.

[Morgana]

15 hours ago, Mr.Six said:

Why do you want to change beyond just losing weight?  What motivates you that is greater than the dopamine fix you get from the food?  I want you to say this.  Either on the forum or PM me.  For me, articulating concrete reasons I need to stop (I was wasting hours of my life; putting my addiction over my family; and my behavior was progressing to a point that could jeopardize my job, marriage...) seems to focus my resolve.

 

I need to change:

• To lose weight
• To avoid becoming pre-diabetic again (I was pre-diabetic about 20 lbs. ago)
• To stop putting stress on certain parts of my body, like my ankles and knees (I've needed physical therapy in the past)
• To stop stealing food from my roommates when they are not home or asleep... 
• To stop blowing money on food
• To stop feeling physically ill from eating too much
• To end services with my therapist
• To prove to myself that I can do anything
• To stop feeling like a failure

 

6 hours ago, Arkham said:

I totally feel you. Going to any family functions for me involves a myriad of unhealthy foods, and up until now I would have happily partaken in all of them. Drinking water definitely helps to curb the appetite. When I was a kid, and I would complain to my mom that I was hungry, she'd always say, "No you're not. You're just thirsty." and I think she was on the right track there. lol

 

When I feel anxious and know I'm going to want to eat, I try to chew gum instead. It helps me more often than not, so that might be something you could try as well? I think it's more of the chewing motion that relieves my anxiety than the actual food though.

 

Water and gum are honestly lifesavers sometimes. I always forget I have gum in my purse, but I might eat less if I remembered. Thanks for reminding me that gum is a good trick!

[AnnaBecker]

You obviously have more of a problem than I do, but we all struggle with this type of issue.  I've been working on my diet and exercise for 5 weeks now and had lost 11 lbs.  I struggle with restaurant food and large quantities at each meal.  This weekend we went to a party a couple of days before my birthday.  There was cake, so of course I had to have some.  Plus I just ate way too much.  It carried over to the next day too.  But this morning I got on the scale and had gained 2 lbs back.  It's great when you're doing it, but not so much when you realize the consequences of what you've done.  All I can do is move forward and do my best.  You too.  You can't beat yourself up too much.  We just have to try to face it as it comes and do our best.    

[Mr.Six]

36 minutes ago, AnnaBecker said:

You can't beat yourself up too much.  We just have to try to face it as it comes and do our best.

Yeah, after 40 days of sobriety I relapsed this weekend.  The worst part was not having the courage to hold myself accountable to my wife who I know is supporting me in my journey.  It sucks, but all I can do is be mindful of how my relapse makes me feel, breathe, shake off the dust, and get back on the horse.

 

@Morgana  You have some very good reasons to change, but you can't beat yourself up too much either.  At least for me, focusing on a relapse or slip just makes it harder to get back to where I need to be.  Instead, I try to keep my eye on the small victories and my long-term aspirations--even if they seem impossible right now. One of my favorite Machiavellianisms states that: one should aspire to follow the paths and imitate great men/women, because even if you never attain their greatness you will at least have a touch of it.

 

 

[Miw_Sher]

Hugs.

It will be ok. There's plenty of people here who are in the same boat and ready to support you.

[Morgana]

10 hours ago, AnnaBecker said:

You obviously have more of a problem than I do, but we all struggle with this type of issue.  I've been working on my diet and exercise for 5 weeks now and had lost 11 lbs.  I struggle with restaurant food and large quantities at each meal.  This weekend we went to a party a couple of days before my birthday.  There was cake, so of course I had to have some.  Plus I just ate way too much.  It carried over to the next day too.  But this morning I got on the scale and had gained 2 lbs back.  It's great when you're doing it, but not so much when you realize the consequences of what you've done.  All I can do is move forward and do my best.  You too.  You can't beat yourself up too much.  We just have to try to face it as it comes and do our best.    

 

4 hours ago, Miw_Sher said:

Hugs.

It will be ok. There's plenty of people here who are in the same boat and ready to support you.

 

Thank you both for your support. I don't want to say I'm happy that so many people are struggling also, but it's comforting to know that this is a common issue and I'm not some kind of freak. It gives me hope that we can help each other succeed in recovery.

 

9 hours ago, Mr.Six said:

Yeah, after 40 days of sobriety I relapsed this weekend.  The worst part was not having the courage to hold myself accountable to my wife who I know is supporting me in my journey.  It sucks, but all I can do is be mindful of how my relapse makes me feel, breathe, shake off the dust, and get back on the horse.

 

Can I ask a potentially personal question regarding this?

 

When you slip up, how do you explain yourself to the people you love? I have been failing very often to recover from my eating disorder/addiction, and every time I screw up extra bad, I either tell my boyfriend or he finds out by himself (we have each other on the LoseIt! app and he sees the damage when I track my binging or overeating). He is always disappointed, since it happens so often. I never have a good explanation. "I'm stressed", "it's just a write off week", "I was at my parents'", "you gotta live before you die" -- this is how I rationalize mistakes, but I know they are are all simply excuses and he knows it's bullshit. 

 

Those are the moments I feel the worst. I feel like I let someone else down in letting myself down. I just don't want the people I love to lose faith in me.

[Mr.Six]

13 hours ago, Morgana said:

When you slip up, how do you explain yourself to the people you love?

 

I wish I had a better answer for this.  Telling more of my loved ones would probably give me more accountability, but I carry a lot of shame and I've only opened up to my wife within the last six months.  Of my extended family, I've only told my brother but I haven't gone to him when I've slipped.  I've got friends on NF that I hold myself accountable to who are traveling their own path and it's easier for me.  I do need to be better about owning my problem with my loved ones because it goes towards trust and I don't want to jeopardize that.

 

Regarding excuses...they might be BS sometimes.  I've found though that my excuses have helped me find some of my triggers.  When you know where your pitfalls are, it becomes gradually easier to avoid them.  I feel like this last time I let myself get complacent, stopped listening to my body, and started to let little 'middle circle' behaviors slip instead of trying to correct for them right away.

 

Letting others down is likely the worst part of it for me too.  I have this fear that if they resign themselves to thinking 'he just has a problem and won't change', then maybe I won't.  Never be afraid to ask me a personal question.  Talking about what I'm going through makes me stronger...especially if it makes me face my shit head on.