Heidi: Bloom

[Heidi]

 

Bloom
My challenges are usually about measuring what I am going to do, and that’s all good.
But this time I’m doing something a little different -- I’m going to report on what I do.
I’m not interested in giving myself grief or being all judgey -- I’m interested in seeing what I do that is on-target, a check-in to see where I am at the habit level. I have a suspicion that it’s lots higher than I am giving myself credit for.
So this time around, I am celebrating my successes. I’m looking forward to seeing how I’m doing with physical and emotional wellness, educational balance, and financial fitness. (See what I did there? That’s a 3+1 old school formula.)

[Heidi]

I had a lovely evening with my partner last night -- slow and easy at home as everyone huddled inside in anticipation of a snow storm that never really materialized. We had a fire and enjoyed each other's company, talking about how fun it is to have our first customer for freshly milled flour -- we deliver it on Tuesday next week.

I slept on schedule last night, but I'm still wicked tired again today. I will have to take that into account when making plans, even though this week is pretty packed already, as most weeks are. So far today I have posted the paper for this week's class, and made the required responses to other students in class. It's harder some weeks than others, but it has been getting done, and that's the main thing.

[Heidi]

Let me just say that last night was 180° from the night before. My anxiety closet opened up wide during therapy, then NewStuff waded in all over the place and I totally didn't handle it well at all. It was a difficult evening.

 

This morning, the anxiety was still gnawing at me. I got on the other side of it, or so I thought, while I was in the sauna and the shower afterwards, but man o man, it still wants to have its say.

 

Acceptance is the best I have right now, acceptance and surrender -- there is no fight.

[Laghail]

What a lovely plan for this month's challenge. Self acceptance in the face of anxiety seems like an easy task, except it's often not myself that I'm struggling to accept, but the reality of being crushed against the parts of life that I can't control. Self acceptance is complicated.

[Heidi]

Well, this challenge is stepping up to the plate and serving up the challenges already. As part of letting go on Wednesday as an active action, a path and a process that require effort, I decided to take Thursday off. I had a bunch planned for the day: lunch with a friend followed by my first radio interview with a city official, talking about social justice issues and recorded in the local library sound studio. Nothing went as planned. Just nothing. I kept my calm and worked with what was available, from:

• the rescheduling of the city official (I called up my alternate and scheduled him for the slot) to

• the nearly-missed luncheon when my friend was late because he spaced it (He never spaces anything, ever!, not in over twenty years of knowing each other) to

• the studio software being fubar when we all got to the studio in the afternoon and having everyone kind of freak out until I told them that it would all be fine, to

• my partner telling me in the evening that the mortgage restructuring isn't going to go through 

Let me be perfectly clear: even though I handled these moments with a bunch of grace and dignity, while they were unfolding and after, it was work. It was hard. I had to stay mindful and present and most of all aware of the old patterns that wanted to take hold and drive my train right over a cliff. I did the work, and i'm worn out from it, no less than when I climbed a mountain or completed a Spartan sprint. 

 

And there are more moments like this coming, so this is just the warm up.

Thanks for being along for this challenge. I'm thinking of starting a gratitude mini-challenge for this round, just to help keep my focus on what matters.

[Heidi]

Last night, I stayed up just a little longer than I have scheduled, and then got drowsy and went to bed. As fate would have it, I ended up roused from my early sleep stage, and ended up catching a second wind. By the time the drowsiness returned, it was just past midnight. When I woke up, on my own this morning, before the alarm, it was 5, for no good reason. 

 

Despite having less sleep than I usually recommend, I'm ok today. This morning I certainly didn't want to get out of bed, but that's more a reflection of how wonderful my bed and home life is than a reflection of being tired. I didn't want to start the work-week routine, and I marshalled my attitude and found something to look forward to, since the usual gratitude of "I'm glad I have a job to go to and a family and you know all this and blah blah blah."

 

Blah blah blah is the death of gratitude, let me tell you. It's the doorway to taking everything for granted and getting all hung up on my self.

 

So that had to be nipped in the bud, right then and there. I took a slow, deep breath, and by the time I was done releasing it, I looked at my partner and told him about how grateful I was that we could stay connected through little texts and emails through the day. Another day saved by gratitude.

 

And in keeping with that, and in wanting to share and have other folks to work with, I have posted the Druid's Gratitude Challenge -- Spring 2017 edition. 

 

Drop in and join in the fun -- gratitude loves company.

[Heidi]

 

Wow, focusing on gratitude has been big already, and I'm not even a week into it. I'm glad I decided to do this, since my ex decided to take the same week and make a late-in-the-game storm about visitation. Three weeks ago we exchanged details and then I heard nothing, so I thought all was fine and made plans accordingly. He decided to get all contentious about the timing and threatening to revoke the visitation altogether and blah blah bluster bluster. I'm not interested in having a bunch of chaos in my life, and I told him that I was going to stick with what had been put forth three weeks ago.

 

I'm pretty certain that he is going to try to screw with my world, but that's ok. I have already forwarded the communication along to my attorney, who was already looking over the issues that the Ex is bringing up by not having Vivian take or return my calls in the evening, despite being ordered to do so by the courts. The whole thing is control-freak bizarre.

 

Anyway, I'm having a good day at work and looking forward to seeing Vivian tomorrow afternoon for an extended visit. 

 

I saw my therapist yesterday and she has space to work with the newly-re-imagined schedule, one that I hope will be more supportive of me being a real live human and not expecting me to be a bit of a machine. Anyone who thinks balance is easy hasn't tried it much. I love the rewards, and they are priceless.

 

Namaste y'all.

♥ & ☮

 

[Heidi]

 

Today has been challenging already. There have been late night and early morning email with the Ex -- he's really being hostile and difficult, making demands on my time to the minute, and threatening never to let me see Vivian again that the court doesn't order him to do so if I don't comply with his terms and conditions, complete with deadlines.

 

I confess: At one point I expected dramatic spy-movie music to play.

 

It's all a bit nerve-wracking, of course. I'm sending what I can to my attorney, and trying to find the calm within the storm -- he is good at yelling, at telling, at defining. He is not so good at listening, answering, sharing.

 

He didn't answer the phone last night when I called, and he didn't return my call. I'm pretty certain Vivian is wondering what is going on.

I'm really thankful for the great support I receive in my life from: my partner, my job, my friends. Up until two years ago, it was a dramatically different landscape.

 

 

 

 

[Heidi]

The weekend was filled with fun with Vivian and control-freak measures by my ex. We all had a lovely time anyway, and everything that needed doing got done. At one point, I was on edge because of the threats and bullying from Vivian's dad, but then my partner was loving and calm and solid, and it made all the difference.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do not ask her about the buckin' pig. Please. For my sake.

 

 

 

 

We had a garden party at church on Saturday, which is a good way to get people to show up and then hand them a rake or a trowel. We had a lot of fun working together with mulch and planting seeds and plants. There was even a bunny that got startled, and it's the smallest bunny I have ever seen in my life -- not much bigger than a dandelion. He sprang out from behind a rose bush that we were weeding and we helped him get out of the road and into the park across the street. I keep imagining his poor mother, tsking and shaking her head about that headstrong little rabbit of hers. Beatrix Potter would understand. We made snickerdoodles with some freshly ground soft winter white wheat, and they may be the best batch yet.

 

 

 

Friends Being Friendly

 

 

 

We left church and went to the gym, as I was overdue for some sauna time. It was good, and I was wiped out during lunch and cards afterwards. I'm not sure what I ate that got to me, but I was sick later that evening, and spent most of it sleeping as a recovery tool, which, miraculously, seemed to work.

Sunday morning I was weak but fine, and we went to church and then came home to rest. We explored some interesting opportunities along the way. Future reports as events warrant, but keep thinking good thoughts for us.

[White Cedar]

I will send you lots of energy to deal with your ex--

[Heidi]

 

Thanks, @White Cedar!

[Heidi]

 

This week has had its rough moments, no doubt. I totally freaked out about where to live and the coming move and what it would mean. I don't handle relocation or financial scarcity well.

 

The good news is that the storms happened, but then they passed, and my mind cleared. It's good to be able to accept the less-than-ideal parts of myself. Perhaps in time the storms will continue to lessen in intensity.

 

Yesterday I interviewed the City Manager for my radio show. It was my first interview and I confess that I absolutely fell in love with it. I'm looking forward to doing lots more and to developing the web site to post them all. This morning I woke up with some clarity about where to move and how to handle it all, and the path forward seems clear. It's poetic that on the day of certainty and clear vision the sky would be deep charcoal grey flannel and pouring rain. But it was perfect for me. I'm a rainy day person.

 

 

[Heidi]

On Saturday, we participated in Clean Valley Day with the Friends and then went out for pancakes and biscuits in the Village. Vivian played with her best friend in the afternoon before an early dinner since we had an evening meeting, and of course there were cookies.

A good time was had by all.
 

 

 

I love the expanded visiting time.
Friday afternoon in the library is always a treat, and she checked out three books. I'm really impressed with her ability and interest in keeping up with the due dates. We got to visit a different library on Sunday, and it was nice not to have to rush for transportation and drop off.
 

[Heidi]

This week flew by!

There were a lot of errands to the financial attorney's office Monday and Tuesday before the hearing on Wednesday afternoon, and then a fire at work needed taking care of so I went back in to the office to deal with that. My therapy appointment has been rescheduled for Thursdays, and it was a very good visit, though super emotional as I start to unpack why this time of year gets under my skin so deeply. Vivian and I had a lot of fun on Thursday, the first day I have been able to pick her up at school, and then went to the gym -- she loves swimming lessons and I had been away from the sauna for too long. 

I finally began reading The Gifts of Imperfection and it is so good that I want to buy a boxful to give away to everyone. I checked mine out of the library and I encourage everyone to see if their library has a copy. It is just the most wonderful little book, and I'm looking forward to getting to the Guideposts at the end as well. Brown takes us through getting to the other side of shame, which we all have and none of us talk about, to get to love and belonging, using courage, compassion and connection every day.

 

Speaking of books and classes, I had a bit of a panic when the prof posted the assignment for last week three days late -- that's a big deal in my world. It got smoothed out, and in the process I found out a lot about my vulnerability points and what I count on and think I *need.* Self-awareness is daunting, and doing the work is actual work, it leaves me tired and worn out no less than moving boxes of furniture.

 

On that note, we are moving. The house is going up for sale, and we are moving into the Little Apartment, we just haven't chosen a date yet. All the pieces will likely align around the end of the month, and I'm taking a deep breath. Housing insecurity is dicey for me.

 

This weekend is my birthday, and we are starting the celebrations tonight with a showing of Godspell up at my university. I'm really looking forward to it. Then Saturday we have a few things to do, starting with a second garden party at the Friends Meeting House, then cleaning for the party and then a meeting with the attorney. Sunday is cooking and Friends followed by a bit of downtime before we pick up Vivian for the party itself and then folks start arriving. I'm looking forward to it, actually. Side note: I just realized I've no idea when we are scheduling baking the cake. That needs to get figured out.

[DarK_RaideR]

Realized the other day I'd been missing much Heidi in my life. Now I'm here and gonna catch up with everything before the challenge is through, promise!

[Heidi]

6 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Realized the other day I'd been missing much Heidi in my life. Now I'm here and gonna catch up with everything before the challenge is through, promise!

 

Perfect timing!

I just discovered Why I Am Here and made a PersonalNewYear Resolution!

[Heidi]

Yesterday was a lovely day, and the dinner and companionship was satisfying to my soul. The food was pretty good, too. Aunt Caroline asked if I had any Personal New Year resolutions, a lovely way to look at it all. This dovetailed with a couple questions Kent had asked me earlier, one of which was what I had learned this year.

What I have learned this past year: Get out of the way and let the miracle happen.
My Personal New Year resolution: Manage less. Miracle more.

The other question Kent asked me was what, in the years that I had been traveling this little globe, had been revealed to me thus far about my unique purpose, my destiny. In short: Why was I born?

I am here to be Heidi.

Also, it was concluded that I am, in fact, a Force of Nature.

[Heidi]

The challenge format was really nice. It allowed me simply to focus on the elements that I wanted to be more attentive to, without getting hung up on the notations and tracking. This is a real difference from where I was in November 2012, when I had NoClueAtAll but I knew how to track stuff. I'm pleased. I like the increased awareness piece and the mindfulness that it promotes and reinforces. Through mindfulness, I am finding a path to increased self-care, self-compassion, and true serenity, both with myself and with others.

• physical: This element saw increases to time in the sauna and meditation, a real ownership of the day's scheduling (including a near ditching of television altogether), and an increase in the regularity of meals. Also, that last week with the heart monitor was sheer force of will, and I'm glad I did it. 
• emotional wellness: This element saw an increase along many fronts: The constant invitations to yet another round of tug-of-war with Vivian's father has lost much of its ability to upset and distract me, and, for this round anyway, was unable to derail me. Also, continued work with my therapist and readings has been huge. I'm not certain exactly what shifted, only that something certainly has, and that I feel more resilient.
• educational balance: This element was challenging, far more so than I expected it would be. I have been very last-minute about the class, and scattered about the independent study. It's time to gather up the edges of my focus on this one. Fortunately, it's a salvageable situation.
• financial fitness: Huge progress, mostly through excising the disease. I retained an attorney, met and did what i was told to do, went to court the first time, and stopped the bleeding that was zombie debt garnishment. Also, the process of bankruptcy is well underway as I go about gathering the documents for the filing. 

[DarK_RaideR]

On 10/4/2017 at 4:50 PM, Heidi ☯ said:

Also, it was concluded that I am, in fact, a Force of Nature.

I concur