Kishi Says Clean

[Kishi]

 

It's fun to do music in my challenges again. I missed it.

 

So, gonna keep this short and simple because I've started parts of it and I'm on a short amount of time. Yes, time. I was staring at my schedule - all the things that I wanted to do and want to do still - and it finally occurred to me: life would just be easier with more daytime in it. And the way that happens is to go to bed earlier.

 

But it's not just about going to bed earlier. The truth is, a lot of my life is messy. I'm thinking about that a lot I guess because, well, my bro and I are looking at moving out of the parent's place. Yup, that's right. Now that Dad's back to dying as slowly as we can ask him to, it's feeling a little crowded under this roof. He, I, and a third roommate are looking at places where we might want to live where the rent doesn't suck.

 

And I want to leave this place as well as I can. That'll be a lot easier if I clean my end of things up more.

 

So. Clean time, clean house. Let's get to it.

 

GOAL 1: CLEAN UP MY TIME - BED BY 11

 

GOAL 2: CLEAN UP MY SPACE - ONE WALL OF MY ROOM EACH WEEK

 

GOAL 3: CLEAN UP MY GUT - ONE SERVING OF SAUERKRAUT A WEEK

 

GOAL 4: CLEAN UP MY CATALOG - FINISH UNDERTALE TO MAKE ROOM FOR ME: ANDROMEDA

 

Bonus-That-Isn't: 4 written pages a week.

 

And with that, we're off to the races.

[RedStone]

4 minutes ago, Kishi said:

GOAL 3: CLEAN UP MY GUT - ONE SERVING OF SAUERKRAUT A WEEK

 

Huh! I did the google! I did not know! Eeeenteresting.

 

Gotta love clean and simple! Best going through the stuff and things, that can be tough sometimes. Here for all!

 

[starpuck]

I love sauerkraut!  (I'm German and Polish- the odds were in my favor.)   And that's so cool!  I mean, not sure I'd want to eat some every week... well, maybe on a reuben!  Yeah!   Anyway.  Great goals.  LOVE #4, yes yes yes.  (I was supposed to finish Transistor before ME and ... woops, didn't happen.)

 

Awesome stuff going on Kishi.   I am soooo heeeereee!!

 

[Mistr]

I was wondering when you would be getting your own place again. I'm glad you found better people to share it with.

 

Nice challenge goals. This may be more difficult that your fitness-based challenges.

 

[Treva]

I like the theme of cleaning!  It sounds really positive.  Good luck!  Now I'm off to google this sauerkraut business.  

Good luck with the gaming challenge!!!!  Sounds like fun.  Mostly because I've been hearing people talk about ME: Andromeda forever and I hope it lives up to the hype.

 

Also: new place to live??!!?? Adultening progress???  Yesgood??

[ladylydia]

On 3/19/2017 at 9:59 PM, Kishi said:

life would just be easier with more daytime in it.

 

I will firmly assert, until the day I die, that humans were built for a 36 hour day. 

[Kishi]

On ‎3‎/‎19‎/‎2017 at 11:08 PM, RedStone said:

 

Huh! I did the google! I did not know! Eeeenteresting.

 

Gotta love clean and simple! Best going through the stuff and things, that can be tough sometimes. Here for all!

 

 

Good to see you again! And yeah, sauerkraut's good for the insides, along with things like kimchi and other fermented foods. I just happen to like sauerkraut more.

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 11:45 AM, Starpuck said:

I love sauerkraut!  (I'm German and Polish- the odds were in my favor.)   And that's so cool!  I mean, not sure I'd want to eat some every week... well, maybe on a reuben!  Yeah!   Anyway.  Great goals.  LOVE #4, yes yes yes.  (I was supposed to finish Transistor before ME and ... woops, didn't happen.)

 

What a coincidence - I'm German and Polish also! So, also I enjoy it! Although, believe it or not, I meant to say that I eat some every day instead of every week. Though I suppose it's technically true.

 

Anyway, yeah, apparently ME:A isn't doing so hot on the review circuit right now, so maybe I won't hurry so much to get through Undertale. But I still gotta clean that catalog...

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 11:45 AM, Starpuck said:

Awesome stuff going on Kishi.   I am soooo heeeereee!!

 

 It's good to see you again! I don't know how well I'll do this time around, but I'll try to return the favor!

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 1:01 PM, Mistr said:

I was wondering when you would be getting your own place again. I'm glad you found better people to share it with.

 

Same. It's surprising. I wouldn't have figured on rooming with my brother or his friend, but they're the ones who offered it to me. And... it does feel like it's time. The folks have been hinting for a while how nice it would be if we could afford to live somewhere else, so I think they're cool with us getting gone too.

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 1:01 PM, Mistr said:

Nice challenge goals. This may be more difficult that your fitness-based challenges.

 

In some ways. In others, though, I think it'll be a relief. Being able to get down earlier is nice already. Still have to work on cleaning up, though.

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 2:20 PM, Treva said:

I like the theme of cleaning!  It sounds really positive.  Good luck!  Now I'm off to google this sauerkraut business.

 

Basically it's the idea that eating fermented food can have probiotic effects on your gut biome. I've observed good effects when I've done the same thing - say I eat cheese; I find that my body and my gut are happier when I eat some kind of fermented dairy within 24 hours or so. Typically, that means Greek yogurt. Sauerkraut's more of an all-purpose kind of thing.

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 2:20 PM, Treva said:

Good luck with the gaming challenge!!!!  Sounds like fun.  Mostly because I've been hearing people talk about ME: Andromeda forever and I hope it lives up to the hype.

 

I mean, I dunno. The gameplay's apparently pretty great, but the story seems to have fallen flat. OTOH, apparently it's no worse a series of problems than what happened with Dragon Age: Inquisition, which the reviewers and the players loved. So I don't know. I've definitely slowed down... not just because of that but because the playthrough I'm doing of Undertale is... hard.

 

On ‎3‎/‎20‎/‎2017 at 2:20 PM, Treva said:

Also: new place to live??!!?? Adultening progress???  Yesgood??

 

Hopefully! I don't know what's going to happen here. I got the raise at work, but I just saw how much it is and... it's not that great. Should be manageable. Maybe I can get the roomies to go in for a Costco membership or something, since brother and I both eat like strength trainers.

 

But gotta get to the new place first. I think I found one that suits all of our needs, but I haven't had the chance to talk to my bro about it yet.

 

6 hours ago, ladylydia said:

I will firmly assert, until the day I die, that humans were built for a 36 hour day.

 

If not us, then our schedules.

 

*

GOAL 1: 0/1

 

GOAL 2: -/-

 

GOAL 3: 1/1

 

GOAL 4: ~/~

 

And that was Day 1. Naturally, it was a Monday, which meant gaming, which meant a Time-Deaf DM. It wasn't his fault, though. I got out of there by 10, and if I'd got home and not started watching YouTube, I probably would have made it. So, this one's on me.

 

That being said, I still got down about a half hour ahead of when I normally do, and it was pretty great.

 

Haven't really tackled the room yet. There's just not time during the first couple days of the week - I get up and get out, and by the time I get back home it's 10, 10:30 at night, and I need to be getting down. It's not bad - I can afford to eat out and there's lots of healthy stuff around - but it does make for a long day.

 

Sauerkraut was easy. And I'll need to adjust the goal to reflect that I meant to do that every day instead of every week. Oops.

 

As for Goal 4... well, technically, I have an ending on it already. I could switch over to ME:A if I wanted to. The catalog is technically done... but that would violate the spirit of the thing. And anyway, I'm not really in that big a hurry.

 

I changed up my training schedule, because there's just not enough time to eat enough food if I'm doing strength and martial arts on the same day. Instead, I decided to switch it up so that I do my KB foolery on those days. So far, no low energy or anything like that to report... things feel pretty good. Hopefully that'll continue.

 

One thing that I'm a little leery about is that I don't know how well I'm going to be able to keep up with people outside of my challenge this time around. I don't like that. Unfortunately, though, I've just... got a lot of plates spinning right now and I don't see another way to manage them.

 

Sorry about that, everyone. I'll be around when I can.

[starpuck]

Ok.  Sauerkraut everyday is a little more O.O inspiring.  I suppose one gets used to it, but oi!     Hehe.

Yay for the G&P peeps!   Guten morgen!   Daj mi buziak!

That's the extent of my language skillz!

 

 

[Kishi]

2 hours ago, Starpuck said:

Ok.  Sauerkraut everyday is a little more O.O inspiring.  I suppose one gets used to it, but oi!     Hehe.

Yay for the G&P peeps!   Guten morgen!   Daj mi buziak!

That's the extent of my language skillz!

 

 

 

I mean, I think it's tasty. And it's good for me and all these other benefits too. The trick being, you have to find raw, unpasteurized stuff. I'm lucky in that I get to live near a bunch of places that sell it.

 

Most of my German and Polish is cursing. They're good languages for that.

 

*

 

GOAL 1: 0/2

 

GOAL 2: -/-

 

GOAL 3: 1/2

 

GOAL 4: ~/~

 

And that was yesterday.

 

Work was busy as hell, but it needed to be, so that was good. We do have a production quota we have to meet, after all.

 

After work, went to the gym. TSC is actually no longer in the cards now. Dad wants to go to the mountains that weekend and apparently Mom can't go to help him. So, it falls to me. I chose this; I hadn't put any money down to attend anyway, so it's really NBD. Does kind of leave me in a lurch concerning the place of Snatches in my program, but honestly, whatever. Now I can slow down and focus on quality reps as opposed to pushing and pushing and trying to go higher.

 

So I played around and hit 30 snatches in 5 minutes. Rested, then did the Armor Building Complex. Rested, then played around with some v-sit stuff. Finished out with assistance moves.

 

Karate was good. New student last night. Hopefully she stays. Also, one of the other teachers who's in charge of our marketing decided to film us hitting pads. Then I got to play crash dummy while sensei did horrible, horrible things.

 

If it gets put up, I'll make sure to share it.

 

Anyway, there's an author in town I like today, but I don't think I can strength train and see him at the same time. So, guess I'mma have to leave work early today.

[Treva]

On 3/21/2017 at 4:38 PM, Kishi said:

One thing that I'm a little leery about is that I don't know how well I'm going to be able to keep up with people outside of my challenge this time around. I don't like that. Unfortunately, though, I've just... got a lot of plates spinning right now and I don't see another way to manage them.

You do you and we are here to cheer you on whenever we see you. Guild matey-ness is not measured in number of posts you make on each other's forums. I don't think. Oh god what is it measured in. This wasn't in the handbook.

I dunno here have some bun buns

 

They are also because I'm sorry to hear about the parents thing and the not being able to do TSC and the very busy work. At least you get to focus on quality, which it sounds like you'd like to do.

 

8 hours ago, Kishi said:

Karate was good. New student last night. Hopefully she stays. Also, one of the other teachers who's in charge of our marketing decided to film us hitting pads. Then I got to play crash dummy while sensei did horrible, horrible things.

 

If it gets put up, I'll make sure to share it.

 

Anyway, there's an author in town I like today, but I don't think I can strength train and see him at the same time. So, guess I'mma have to leave work early today.

That all sounds really good! I hope you had a good time getting to see the author. 

 

Also yes, German is SO GOOD for swears.

[mightstone2k]

Say anything in German with an angry - or even loud - voice and everyone will run in fear. It's a very angry-sounding language. There is a reason I would never try to romance anyone in die Muttersprache.

...

...

Unless she was German.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kishi]

11 hours ago, Treva said:

You do you and we are here to cheer you on whenever we see you. Guild matey-ness is not measured in number of posts you make on each other's forums. I don't think. Oh god what is it measured in. This wasn't in the handbook.

I dunno here have some bun buns

 

I like bun buns!

 

...

 

for breakfast.

 

In fairness to me, though, Undertale has me thinking in terms of Cinnabuns rather than, you know. 'cuz otherwise that would just be needlessly dark. That's @The Shogun's bag, not mine.

 

But yeah, you know. I just. I tend to think that everyone out here is really, really cool, and I want to get around and see people and be supportive like I feel I should be, and I just don't think I can do that every day now. It stinks.

 

11 hours ago, Treva said:

They are also because I'm sorry to hear about the parents thing and the not being able to do TSC and the very busy work. At least you get to focus on quality, which it sounds like you'd like to do.

 

Eh. It's no big. It would have been a lot of fun to go be a part of something like that, but with the way Dad's been talking lately I suspect his mortality is far more on his mind. I think something's up, although he won't tell me what that is. So it's good to go with him while I can. The weights will outlive both he and I. They'll still be there come September (when next TSC is).

 

12 hours ago, Treva said:

That all sounds really good! I hope you had a good time getting to see the author.

 

Yup! I had such a good time that I actually bought his new book. The opening is a bunch of bureaucratic stuff which didn't catch me the first time, but now that I am a bureaucrat, it speaks to me.

 

12 hours ago, Treva said:

Also yes, German is SO GOOD for swears.

 

12 hours ago, mightstone2k said:

Say anything in German with an angry - or even loud - voice and everyone will run in fear. It's a very angry-sounding language. There is a reason I would never try to romance anyone in die Muttersprache.

...

...

Unless she was German.

 

Yeah, pretty much.

 

*

 

GOAL 1: 0/3

 

GOAL 2: -/-

 

GOAL 3: 2/3

 

GOAL 4: ~/~

 

RAH THIS LACK OF SLEEP. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN.

 

Admittedly, it's seemed like an exceptional situation each time. Monday, I learned not to tool around on the Internet. Tuesday, a new pair of rings arrived that I can set up in the gym, which will help with my elbow problems and probably kill them for good. Wednesday, I went to see John Scalzi at the bookstore. He was pretty awesome. I left with a fire under me to go write as opposed to my typical sense of bitterness. Which, speaking of, I need to find a way to do that. Might need to go back to carrying a notebook around with me and writing on lunch break before going for my walks.

 

The problem with the signing last night, though, as far as it interfering with my schedule, is that I didn't have food pre-cooked to eat. I had no trouble getting enough protein over at Chipotle, but I strength trained and that shot my caloric needs way up as per Leangains. I had to cook and eat a lot of food in an hour, and it was just too much. I even delved into a double-serving of the forbidden Beans for extra calories and that still wasn't enough.

 

So I guess I need to cook some on the nights when I'm eating less. Potatoes are easy, and sweet potatoes are good cold.

 

Speaking of strength training, had a bit of a breakthrough I think.

 

Warmed Up

 

Heavy KB Swings: 3x5x106

Glute Bridges: 3x10

 

Deadlifts: 3x5x191

Lying Twist Stretch: 3x5

 

Pseudo Planche Push Ups: 3x3

Pseudo Planche Holds: 3x11s

Wrist Circles: 3x5

 

Seated Leg Raises: 3x9,9,8

Supermans: 3x11,11,10

Seated Twists: 3x8s

 

The breakthrough, I think, is in the opening power session. It was faster and it made my deadlifts feel better. It felt way less demanding, and way more invigorating. I had to do it because the racks were all taken when I was ready and I didn't want to waste time.

 

My original thought with power cleaning was that it carried elements of the squat, hinge, and press, but I think there might be something more to the idea that I should have specific explosives tied to the strength move. So, an explosive hinge for the deadlifts, an explosive squat for the squats and so on. Need to figure out something better than a jump lunge for my air lunges though, since these things are basically skater squats. Maybe a pair of laterals? Dunno.

 

Anyway, that's where it stands at the moment. Bed should be easy tonight. I will bake a sweet potato in the microwave and eat dinner and go to bed. It'll be magical.

[Thrillho]

You know what you gotta do...

 

 

[The Shogun]

4 hours ago, Kishi said:

 

I like bun buns!

 

...

 

for breakfast.

 

In fairness to me, though, Undertale has me thinking in terms of Cinnabuns rather than, you know. 'cuz otherwise that would just be needlessly dark. That's @The Shogun's bag, not mine.

 

But yeah, you know. I just. I tend to think that everyone out here is really, really cool, and I want to get around and see people and be supportive like I feel I should be, and I just don't think I can do that every day now. It stinks.

 

 

Eh. It's no big. It would have been a lot of fun to go be a part of something like that, but with the way Dad's been talking lately I suspect his mortality is far more on his mind. I think something's up, although he won't tell me what that is. So it's good to go with him while I can. The weights will outlive both he and I. They'll still be there come September (when next TSC is).

 

 

Yup! I had such a good time that I actually bought his new book. The opening is a bunch of bureaucratic stuff which didn't catch me the first time, but now that I am a bureaucrat, it speaks to me.

 

 

 

Yeah, pretty much.

 

*

 

GOAL 1: 0/3

 

GOAL 2: -/-

 

GOAL 3: 2/3

 

GOAL 4: ~/~

 

RAH THIS LACK OF SLEEP. THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN.

 

Admittedly, it's seemed like an exceptional situation each time. Monday, I learned not to tool around on the Internet. Tuesday, a new pair of rings arrived that I can set up in the gym, which will help with my elbow problems and probably kill them for good. Wednesday, I went to see John Scalzi at the bookstore. He was pretty awesome. I left with a fire under me to go write as opposed to my typical sense of bitterness. Which, speaking of, I need to find a way to do that. Might need to go back to carrying a notebook around with me and writing on lunch break before going for my walks.

 

The problem with the signing last night, though, as far as it interfering with my schedule, is that I didn't have food pre-cooked to eat. I had no trouble getting enough protein over at Chipotle, but I strength trained and that shot my caloric needs way up as per Leangains. I had to cook and eat a lot of food in an hour, and it was just too much. I even delved into a double-serving of the forbidden Beans for extra calories and that still wasn't enough.

 

So I guess I need to cook some on the nights when I'm eating less. Potatoes are easy, and sweet potatoes are good cold.

 

Speaking of strength training, had a bit of a breakthrough I think.

 

Warmed Up

 

Heavy KB Swings: 3x5x106

Glute Bridges: 3x10

 

Deadlifts: 3x5x191

Lying Twist Stretch: 3x5

 

Pseudo Planche Push Ups: 3x3

Pseudo Planche Holds: 3x11s

Wrist Circles: 3x5

 

Seated Leg Raises: 3x9,9,8

Supermans: 3x11,11,10

Seated Twists: 3x8s

 

The breakthrough, I think, is in the opening power session. It was faster and it made my deadlifts feel better. It felt way less demanding, and way more invigorating. I had to do it because the racks were all taken when I was ready and I didn't want to waste time.

 

My original thought with power cleaning was that it carried elements of the squat, hinge, and press, but I think there might be something more to the idea that I should have specific explosives tied to the strength move. So, an explosive hinge for the deadlifts, an explosive squat for the squats and so on. Need to figure out something better than a jump lunge for my air lunges though, since these things are basically skater squats. Maybe a pair of laterals? Dunno.

 

Anyway, that's where it stands at the moment. Bed should be easy tonight. I will bake a sweet potato in the microwave and eat dinner and go to bed. It'll be magical.

 

I AM THE DARKNESS!!!

[Mistr]

On 3/21/2017 at 3:38 PM, Kishi said:

Good to see you again! And yeah, sauerkraut's good for the insides, along with things like kimchi and other fermented foods. I just happen to like sauerkraut more.

 

Now I am going to add sauerkraut to my grocery list and make reubens this weekend.

 

On 3/21/2017 at 3:38 PM, Kishi said:

One thing that I'm a little leery about is that I don't know how well I'm going to be able to keep up with people outside of my challenge this time around. I don't like that. Unfortunately, though, I've just... got a lot of plates spinning right now and I don't see another way to manage them.

 

Sorry about that, everyone. I'll be around when I can.

 

No apologies necessary. You have been an amazing guildleader for the last three years. Now you have a steady job, a new dojo space, a training program and a social life. None of which you had when you started. Manage your time to meet your goals. And maybe hit someone up to be an associate guild leader.

 

19 hours ago, Kishi said:

I like bun buns!

 

Me too! I tried keeping angora rabbits once, many years ago. I would like to do that again.

 

19 hours ago, Kishi said:

Eh. It's no big. It would have been a lot of fun to go be a part of something like that, but with the way Dad's been talking lately I suspect his mortality is far more on his mind. I think something's up, although he won't tell me what that is. So it's good to go with him while I can. The weights will outlive both he and I. They'll still be there come September (when next TSC is).

 

I will bake a sweet potato in the microwave and eat dinner and go to bed. It'll be magical.

 

You are making the right decision to spend time with your Dad.

 

Yep, sweet potatos are an easy win. I threw several in the oven to bake last night while I worked on other things. So simple and so good.

[starpuck]

On 3/22/2017 at 9:23 PM, Treva said:

You do you and we are here to cheer you on whenever we see you. Guild matey-ness is not measured in number of posts you make on each other's forums. I don't think. Oh god what is it measured in. This wasn't in the handbook.

I dunno here have some bun buns

 

Also yes, German is SO GOOD for swears.

 

On 3/22/2017 at 10:21 PM, mightstone2k said:

Say anything in German with an angry - or even loud - voice and everyone will run in fear. It's a very angry-sounding language. There is a reason I would never try to romance anyone in die Muttersprache.

...

...

Unless she was German.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

 

 Kishi does music and videos and German related things?   Could not be more appropriate...

Also... don't worry about other nerd threads.    I think of NF as a team.  Some months, one player is going to be doing all the things and just barely hanging in there.  His teammates are going to pick up where he's at, and help him out.   But the next month, maybe a different player is going to need the support, and previously frantic player has less franticness, so now they go and do the rounds.  It's a big ball of support!     Which ... not to further the team sports analogy, does not refer to a jock strap.

 

 

[Kishi]

18 hours ago, Thrillho said:

You know what you gotta do...

 

 

 

Yup, yup.

 

14 hours ago, The Shogun said:

 

I AM THE DARKNESS!!!

 

Such vengeance. Very night. Batman. Wow.

 

39 minutes ago, Mistr said:

Now I am going to add sauerkraut to my grocery list and make reubens this weekend.

 

REUBENS ARE THE BEST. They're kind of my go-to sammich as far as judging restaurants are concerned.

 

40 minutes ago, Mistr said:

No apologies necessary. You have been an amazing guildleader for the last three years. Now you have a steady job, a new dojo space, a training program and a social life. None of which you had when you started. Manage your time to meet your goals. And maybe hit someone up to be an associate guild leader.

 

That's very kind of you to say. As to associates, well, I got a couple of those. @The Shogun and @RisenPhoenix. I've seen them making the rounds this challenge, though, which does make me hopeful!

 

2 hours ago, Mistr said:

Yep, sweet potatos are an easy win. I threw several in the oven to bake last night while I worked on other things. So simple and so good.

 

The best part is that you can eat them cold. Definitely makes 'em a desert item, and far more convenient for me than regular potatoes. (with apologies to my Irish friends).

 

4 hours ago, Starpuck said:

Kishi does music and videos and German related things?   Could not be more appropriate...

 

Yup! And when I'm not posting from work, Ich sprechst gif also. Although my German sucks. Just to be clear. I'm sure @Kyellan and @Luciana Valerosa Culming can attest.

 

4 hours ago, Starpuck said:

Also... don't worry about other nerd threads.    I think of NF as a team.  Some months, one player is going to be doing all the things and just barely hanging in there.  His teammates are going to pick up where he's at, and help him out.   But the next month, maybe a different player is going to need the support, and previously frantic player has less franticness, so now they go and do the rounds.  It's a big ball of support!     Which ... not to further the team sports analogy, does not refer to a jock strap.

 

Well, yeah! I get that. Turning tides, ebb and flow, etc. It's just a big change from the way things used to be for me, and I'm not sure how to take it. I mean, I may be a volunteer - Lord knows they don't pay us for this - but it feels like doing a bad job to do it any other way than what I did.

 

*

 

GOAL 1: 0/4

 

GOAL 2: -/-

 

GOAL 3: 3/4

 

GOAL 4: ~/~

 

Right. This sleep goal needs to be adjusted. I'm sorry, but after four days of non-unusual problems it's just not possible to get down before 11 PM. Even if I cut out everything else, even on a day with less food, I'm still stuck eating at the end of the day.

 

This seems to be just a price I have to pay to do the training I want to do. And TBH, it's not been that bad. One of those cases of aiming for the moon and landing among the stars.

 

That said, I do want to pursue some kind of change around bedtime to make that easier. I've been allowing social media to creep into my late night and early morning routines. Maybe put the kibosh on that? It would definitely save me time.

 

Training last night was fun. Just S&S and some accessory work for my chest. I ended up using the dip machine to work on stretching those muscles out. Yes, I used a machine. My cred is gone. Only Pavel could love me, and I'm sure he wouldn't even like me.  Karate afterward was about control - sensei's wife decided that she wants to train with us and that's a problem when you don't like getting hit. So I had to work on executing good technique without blasting her.

 

We also talked about the One Inch Punch and why it's not the great feat everyone thinks it is. That was fun.

[Luciana Valerosa Culming]

So much wisdom in here.

[Akari]

I think German is a wonderful language, but maybe just because I am German.

[Kishi]

5 hours ago, Luciana Valerosa Culming said:

So much wisdom in here.

 

Aw, shucks.

 

 

2 hours ago, Akari said:

I think German is a wonderful language, but maybe just because I am German.

 

Oh, so do I! I do! I don't really know of a language I would say wasn't wonderful. I just mean my ability to speak it is poor. And I'm very self-conscious about it, particularly when fluent/native people are around. Like they are. In my guild. And also now my topic.

 

That said, hallo! Wie gehts?

 

That is the extent of my knowledge.

 

That and a swear or two.

 

*

 

OAL 1: 1/5

 

GOAL 2: -/-

 

GOAL 3: 4/5

 

GOAL 4: ~/~

 

Yesterday was... a day. I got the Gotta Go Fast Speech on Monday, but I was slowed down a lot by some problems we had to solve due to QA breathing down our necks. So I sped it back up this week... but there's only so much I can do to get around a lot of the slowness that we had to deal with. I have a bunch of work categories that I was supposed to attack, and I did, but. I don't know if it was enough. Boss says I'm fine. Boss says a lot of things, though. She's the one who slowed me down by intervening in my cases to make it so that they couldn't go forward anymore, after all. But given how arbitrary QA is, I think she got sick of it and now doesn't really care anymore? Which I'm fine with - I'm good at making sound decisions that QA doesn't really take issue with and I was even before all this shit - but there's a lot of slowdown in the process that I have to fight through now and I don't know if it was enough.

 

So, even though I try not to carry my work with me... it's difficult not to. For those of you just tuning in, this is my first corporate-style job. I've never had one of those before and so I feel a lot of pressure to rock this. It doesn't help any that during the Speech I was told that there was another round of firings coming down the pipe and even though I'm not in danger, the people who are under that are very similar to me. (Personally, I think the whole thing is stupid - we're a federal agency and we're under a hiring freeze, so we can't replace the bodies we're losing, and we're already losing plenty just in terms of general attrition because the work load is heavy and the pay isn't that great for an office job).

 

But yeah. First grown-up job, and I don't feel like I'm doing well despite my efforts to the contrary. Makes me wonder if I'm just a failure and I don't know it. I know that's a stupid way to think - personal success or failure is a result of a lot of different factors in any given situation, not all of which are under a person's control - but I'm not a strictly rational person no matter how hard I try to be.

 

Still, I'm not leaving anything on the field, so to speak. I email my boss every day with what I've done, and I have a paper trail I can point to to show people why things are the way they are. I just... with me still being probationary, I just don't know if it's going to be enough. I have 3 more months until I hit permanent status, but I don't know if I'm even going to make it that far.

 

...

 

Not to mention that there's been some talk on my Facebook that's been pushing some of my buttons regarding men and sexuality and relationships and it's just reinforcing this sense of isolation I have from a lot of the people that I care about. Like, it's been a big issue in my life, that isolation that they talk about, but it feels like nobody ever cared about it when it was my problem, you know? So, like, I see these posts talking about loneliness and such, and there's all this sympathy for men in general, and then I try to say something and I just get shut down or shut out, like my perspective as a celibate and a religious man isn't worth anything in that exact situation. Because I've had to try to learn how to cope with that and nobody seems interested in that, but they really, really want to engage in self pity (kind of like I kind of am now). It's really frustrating, and it just reinforces some bad psychological patterns in my head, mostly having to do with some self-esteem issues that I carry with me. More specifically, it reinforces this notion I carry that somehow me and my problems are just uniquely uninteresting, or that I'm just uniquely unworthy of platonic love in addition to sexual love. It's a notion I disagree with, to be sure, and most of the time I cope with it just fine because I know it's not true; it's just really easily reinforced because I'm a bad communicator and I don't bridge that gap between my friends and myself very often or very well.

 

...

 

tl;dr: I swear I'm okay, but it's been a week where I don't get how or why.

 

So, you carry that in your headspace long enough, and no matter how much your body tells you it's okay you eventually slow down and drag. I lifted hard and lifted well, but it still took forever and a damn day and I'm just not digging it. So, I uh. I had a lot of extra money sitting around this month, even after having saved and started working on my student loans. I took a page from @Machete and actually paid into the GB program. Shit is expensive... but the quality is top notch. The only trick is how to mix in barbell squats and deadlifts, but I'm not exactly unique, and their forums have a lot of people trying to solve the exact same problem. I'm sure I'll find some way to keep that going. I think. Anyway, I owe them for certain transgressions during the Piracy Days. And I'm at a place in my training life where I can appreciate it and get what I want out of it.

 

In probably related news, it would appear that my new walking weight is about as heavy as I was at the start of the year... but I don't look like it? Surely there must have been some muscle added on to this frame of mine. That or the stomach vacuums I've been practicing for my PE have actually started to work, which, if so, I mean, dang.

 

Anyway, I've been sitting here for a lot longer than I meant to doing a lot less than I thought I would. Enough.

[PinkNinja]

You've got me brainstorming ways I could eat sauerkraut that aren't wonderful, wonderful, hot dogs. I'm leaning towards adding it to my turkey roll ups that I've been making with low carb tortillas.  But I also really want a good hot dog now. 

I hope moving happens expediently and conveniently for you. 

Your work situation sounds very frustrating.  I have a therapist friend who has a similar issue.  He supposed to have a certain number of case notes per week but then the person who reviews his notes won't let him finish and submit notes because of really odd nit picky stuff that actually winds up getting the whole file kicked back from Medicaid.  You both remind me that while I may be stressed,  at least I don't have a strict quantifiable  measurement to adhere to.  Good grief, I can't imagine how badly that would stress me. I hope that you are able to feel more comfortable with it soon.  i also hate that people keep talking about "rounds of firings".  rumors like that, true or not,  never have a positive effect and i think sometimes they get started with the idea of firing people up and motivating them, at least in the agencies I've worked in it seems that way, and I think it's counterproductive and demoralizing.

Even on your "slow down&drag days" your workouts& dedication to them are inspiring.

 

[Treva]

Okay so I'm going to try an empathy thing.  I am really sorry if I am saying things you already know, I don't mean to be condescending at all.  TL DR why can't Treva shut up, your feelings are important, valid, and not at all stupid.

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

I email my boss every day with what I've done, and I have a paper trail I can point to to show people why things are the way they are.

RE: Work etc.  I think you leaving a paper trail shows good responsibility/accountability, and that could be important for not getting fired.  Also, it sounds like you're working your tail off to get things going as fast as you are able to.  You're only human, there's only so fast you can work with a bunch of other people trying to slow you down. There may also be lots of failure feelings from  the fact that the pressure seems so friggin high at your job right now, and if stuff isn't blossoming, it could be your fault and that makes you the failure.  Not to project or throw fortune cookie platitudes at someone much wiser than I, but your actual being of a failure has little to do with that, and everything to do with the choices you are making every day to come into work, email your boss what you did, attack the categories you were asked to work on, working out on your slow down and drag days.  Those tiny every day choices to keep plugging away when others might give up makes you not a failure.

It sounds like there's a lot of pressure on your job to produce quality work up to a certain standard and work that isn't up to that standard results in loss of job, and that is the classic thousand-year-old-egg recipe for making anyone feel like they're worthless.  No matter what you're almost guaranteed to feel like a failure because there is a Merciless Standard and it's not Your Own and if you don't reach it Everyone Knows and you're Screwed.  That said, YOU are not a failure.  Your situation is giving you lots of psychological pressure that is the best kind for making you feel like you're not good enough.  As much as this sounds like it's from a wall in your kindergarten classroom, you doing your best has to be enough, because who else is in your job?  To do that best thing?  Just you.  So just you is enough.  Screw those guys trying to tell you otherwise.

But I'm not in your shoes, and I'm going off of what things sound like, so you can ignore all of the above if I'm vomiting stuff you can find on popsicle sticks.  Your lucky numbers are 4, 5, 67, 8, 23, 44.

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

Not to mention that there's been some talk on my Facebook that's been pushing some of my buttons regarding men and sexuality and relationships and it's just reinforcing this sense of isolation I have from a lot of the people that I care about.

RE: People on your facebook being whiny

Sorry, I'll be more sympathetic.  Humans are apparently social creatures (or so people keep telling me), so loneliness, whatever the form, is a real thing and a real sucky thing.  And I am sorry that people are so self absorbed in their own wells of self pity that they can't reach out to you.  It sounds to me that they're isolating themselves from you, or other people, by refusing to listen or connect with you over a shared/common issue.  Like you said, nobody wants to hear about how you're coping and your strategies and how you're trying and sometimes you're okay and sometimes maybe less--they want to live in an echo chamber about them with their issues and their problems because society says brooding angry egomanics get capes and Catwoman.  (They do not, catwoman is a strong independent parkour bamf who don't need no man).  Etc.  It is much easier to say "woe is me and NO I don't want to feel better" than to do the challenging introspective and sometimes exhausting work that is what you're doing--coping, managing, trying not to engage in self pity.  I'd be lying if i said i never had pity parties myself either.
Uh, just to do some validation, I think your perspective on the situation is important, and people can sometimes wrongly shut out a religiously informed perspective because Religion is scary and organized spirituality is also hard work.  Again, it is just so much easier to say "no one can fix my problems" than to look at someone else or to find a solution that says "there is a way to deal, but it is hard and difficult".  It is okay to feel sad and lonely and sometimes we need to sit with those feelings because they're part of being human too.  And sometimes the best art comes out of loneliness and longing too.  You are not unworthy, or uninteresting, or any of those things, and I know you know that but I just wanted to reinforce them since they're out there.  To be selfish, i am a very busy person.  i physically do not have time for boring people with boring lives.  Here I am, fortune cookie spamming your wall.  No one is unworthy of love, but people who would waste it or abuse it might make that harder to believe.  I could be a crap-all judge of people, but you don't strike me as one of those.

 

FWIW, I don't think you're a bad communicator.  How the hell could you get to be a guild leader if you are a bad communicator.  It makes no sense to me.  I think all those other people are.  It would make sense, because they are apparently so lonely.  This might be because they are not great communicators.  It's a theory. 

 

Uh, while I'm probably coming off as a condescending jerkface, it is very easy to know things intellectually, and very hard to feel them emotionally.  I have this problem all the time.  You probably are aware of this.  It is okay.  The heart will learn.  Keep the faith, the feels will catch up.  You are a good and nice person and it sounds like the guild likes you very much. 

 

So there's this guy named foster dad john and he fosters stray pregnant cats and raises their kittens and it is on a 24/7 livestream.

https://www.youtube.com/c/TheCritterRoom/live

 

Also here is the barber adagio for strings and it always makes me feel better when I am sad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtQIdaKatDE

 

sorry that this is very long and stupid.  I hope you feel better soon.

[Kishi]

2 hours ago, PinkNinja said:

You've got me brainstorming ways I could eat sauerkraut that aren't wonderful, wonderful, hot dogs. I'm leaning towards adding it to my turkey roll ups that I've been making with low carb tortillas.  But I also really want a good hot dog now. 

 

Well, be careful with this. The sauerkraut, in order for it to be good for your gut, has to be raw and unpasteurized. The only way to really preserve those qualities is to eat it as cold as you can stand it. You can heat it to get the taste and the crunch, but the health benefits are gone if you do that.

 

Best go looking for some cold recipes if you're going to do this.

 

2 hours ago, PinkNinja said:

I hope moving happens expediently and conveniently for you. 

 

Me too. None of us are in a hurry to leave, but, you know. Still want to do it right.

 

2 hours ago, PinkNinja said:

Your work situation sounds very frustrating.  I have a therapist friend who has a similar issue.  He supposed to have a certain number of case notes per week but then the person who reviews his notes won't let him finish and submit notes because of really odd nit picky stuff that actually winds up getting the whole file kicked back from Medicaid.  You both remind me that while I may be stressed,  at least I don't have a strict quantifiable  measurement to adhere to.  Good grief, I can't imagine how badly that would stress me. I hope that you are able to feel more comfortable with it soon.  i also hate that people keep talking about "rounds of firings".  rumors like that, true or not,  never have a positive effect and i think sometimes they get started with the idea of firing people up and motivating them, at least in the agencies I've worked in it seems that way, and I think it's counterproductive and demoralizing.

 

You're more right than you know. Like you said, this is very nit picky work. Without getting too bogged down in administrivia, I basically have to gather and analyze evidence, try to guesstimate a claimant's limitations, and then send them to our doctors to see if they agree on a medical level. This doesn't include all the other ways I can close cases, generally for failure on the claimant's part to cooperate with us. Basically, my boss intervened in a lot of cases I was trying to get closed and just stopped them and made me go back and burn a lot of extra time developing them for really arcane things that hadn't mattered before. In fairness to her, it was a case of shit rolling down hill - she came down on us because QA came down her because QA's superiors came down on them.

 

Anyway, yeah, we got a bunch of people who are leaving because they don't want to be here. Can't blame 'em. But adding on to that attrition and then holding the rest of us responsible? And then hobbling me when I try to keep up? Stupid.

 

2 hours ago, PinkNinja said:

Even on your "slow down&drag days" your workouts& dedication to them are inspiring.

 

Hardly! They're how I cope.

 

1 hour ago, Treva said:

Okay so I'm going to try an empathy thing.  I am really sorry if I am saying things you already know, I don't mean to be condescending at all.  TL DR why can't Treva shut up, your feelings are important, valid, and not at all stupid.

 

Oooooh. You and all your words. I was going to go to bed, but now I see 'em and I have to respond to let you know that you did a nice thing and that I'm okay f'real. It's a good thing it's Sunday tomorrow.

 

1 hour ago, Treva said:

RE: Work etc.  I think you leaving a paper trail shows good responsibility/accountability, and that could be important for not getting fired.  Also, it sounds like you're working your tail off to get things going as fast as you are able to.  You're only human, there's only so fast you can work with a bunch of other people trying to slow you down. There may also be lots of failure feelings from  the fact that the pressure seems so friggin high at your job right now, and if stuff isn't blossoming, it could be your fault and that makes you the failure.  Not to project or throw fortune cookie platitudes at someone much wiser than I, but your actual being of a failure has little to do with that, and everything to do with the choices you are making every day to come into work, email your boss what you did, attack the categories you were asked to work on, working out on your slow down and drag days.  Those tiny every day choices to keep plugging away when others might give up makes you not a failure.

 

I dispute my wisdom. I don't know very much, but unlike most ignorant people, I know that I don't know what I don't know. So don't ever be afraid to tell me something if you think you got it.

 

As to work, well, part of the frustration is that I basically report to two different people who have very different ideas about how the job ought to be done. The one who has had the most to do with me is very much of the 'get it done fast and don't make extra work for yourself' mind, and the boss who got in my way is very much the opposite of that (the one had to leave for a death in his family, so the other had to manage in his stead, and that's when things went bad). It made me gunshy, so to speak, so that I was trying to outguess her and QA and everyone else.

 

But yeah, one thing that I have a hard time distinguishing is the difference between failing and being a failure. I could fail at this job and not be a failure. That being said, I really don't want to fail at this job.

 

2 hours ago, Treva said:

It sounds like there's a lot of pressure on your job to produce quality work up to a certain standard and work that isn't up to that standard results in loss of job, and that is the classic thousand-year-old-egg recipe for making anyone feel like they're worthless.  No matter what you're almost guaranteed to feel like a failure because there is a Merciless Standard and it's not Your Own and if you don't reach it Everyone Knows and you're Screwed.  That said, YOU are not a failure.  Your situation is giving you lots of psychological pressure that is the best kind for making you feel like you're not good enough.  As much as this sounds like it's from a wall in your kindergarten classroom, you doing your best has to be enough, because who else is in your job?  To do that best thing?  Just you.  So just you is enough.  Screw those guys trying to tell you otherwise.

 

Well, and see, that's the craziest part. The work does have a standard. I was reaching that standard easy, and I didn't change anything. It was just a matter of how the boss took it, which doesn't make any sense. She was allowing the cases before, and then all of a sudden she wasn't. And the only way to fix it involved a lot of crazy arcane stuff that ultimately didn't change the decisions but did add about a good three or four steps onto the process that added about a month to each case's processing times.

 

I think probably what it was is that she was allowing the other person I report to to handle those cases and she just wasn't looking when he was there. And now that he's back, she's back to handling her other things, but what she's done to my work remains and I can't supersede it.

 

2 hours ago, Treva said:

Sorry, I'll be more sympathetic.  Humans are apparently social creatures (or so people keep telling me), so loneliness, whatever the form, is a real thing and a real sucky thing.  And I am sorry that people are so self absorbed in their own wells of self pity that they can't reach out to you.  It sounds to me that they're isolating themselves from you, or other people, by refusing to listen or connect with you over a shared/common issue.  Like you said, nobody wants to hear about how you're coping and your strategies and how you're trying and sometimes you're okay and sometimes maybe less--they want to live in an echo chamber about them with their issues and their problems because society says brooding angry egomanics get capes and Catwoman.  (They do not, catwoman is a strong independent parkour bamf who don't need no man).  Etc.  It is much easier to say "woe is me and NO I don't want to feel better" than to do the challenging introspective and sometimes exhausting work that is what you're doing--coping, managing, trying not to engage in self pity.  I'd be lying if i said i never had pity parties myself either.

 

Yeah. People are social, but they want to be together with people who will let them be the center of attention. And I find myself a lot of the time ceding that spotlight, generally because I tend to live in the present and deal with my problems and issues as they come before leaving them where I found them. The ongoing, chronic stuff tends to get shoved into the background, and I rarely even think of it. Not so others in my life and in my various circles and I find that I give them a lot of room rather than taking the room for myself.

 

2 hours ago, Treva said:

Uh, just to do some validation, I think your perspective on the situation is important, and people can sometimes wrongly shut out a religiously informed perspective because Religion is scary and organized spirituality is also hard work.  Again, it is just so much easier to say "no one can fix my problems" than to look at someone else or to find a solution that says "there is a way to deal, but it is hard and difficult".  It is okay to feel sad and lonely and sometimes we need to sit with those feelings because they're part of being human too.  And sometimes the best art comes out of loneliness and longing too.  You are not unworthy, or uninteresting, or any of those things, and I know you know that but I just wanted to reinforce them since they're out there.  To be selfish, i am a very busy person.  i physically do not have time for boring people with boring lives.  Here I am, fortune cookie spamming your wall.  No one is unworthy of love, but people who would waste it or abuse it might make that harder to believe.  I could be a crap-all judge of people, but you don't strike me as one of those.

 

Thank you. And you're right. Honestly, I just needed to set the thoughts down somewhere, and I found I didn't really have a space to do them anywhere else except here. I don't normally need to keep a journal for that kind of thing, but every once in a while it just gets heavy, and I need to set them down somewhere where I can see them in front of me and say the things I want to say.

 

And hey, I know you're busy. Med school ain't easy, and being a doctor ain't easy. And you took this time to talk to a stranger on the internet because he was having a hard time. That means a lot to me, it really does.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

FWIW, I don't think you're a bad communicator.  How the hell could you get to be a guild leader if you are a bad communicator.  It makes no sense to me.  I think all those other people are.  It would make sense, because they are apparently so lonely.  This might be because they are not great communicators.  It's a theory. 

 

Well, not to get on the bandwagon of blaming other people for things, but, well, it's a theory.

 

3 hours ago, Treva said:

Uh, while I'm probably coming off as a condescending jerkface, it is very easy to know things intellectually, and very hard to feel them emotionally.  I have this problem all the time.  You probably are aware of this.  It is okay.  The heart will learn.  Keep the faith, the feels will catch up.  You are a good and nice person and it sounds like the guild likes you very much.

 

They're good people and they put up with me very patiently.  I'm lucky that I get to know them.

 

Here is a song I listen to when I'm sad and want to find my courage again:

 

 

[Treva]

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

Oooooh. You and all your words. I was going to go to bed, but now I see 'em and I have to respond to let you know that you did a nice thing and that I'm okay f'real. It's a good thing it's Sunday tomorrow.

 

BLUUUH NO sleep is so much better than my verbose stupid stuff.  I hope you got plenty of rest!  I just know that everyone comes from different backgrounds and experiences, and the last thing I want to do is make someone feel worse or angrier than they already might feel by saying the wrong thing.  I also respect that I am the tiniest monk and don't want to shove unwanted advice and cat pictures at people smarter than I am.  If there are better or more efficient ways to be supportive and helpful to you, I am all ears. 

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

As to work, well, part of the frustration is that I basically report to two different people who have very different ideas about how the job ought to be done.

Oh no.  That's not a recipe for things to go south at all.  With two bosses with completely opposite styles.  Oh good.  Oh.  Oh good.  That's not going to be difficult to negotiate at all.  God be with ye.

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

But yeah, one thing that I have a hard time distinguishing is the difference between failing and being a failure. I could fail at this job and not be a failure. That being said, I really don't want to fail at this job.

This is absolutely a thing that people work on in therapy for many weeks and it is very hard (I have a lot of trouble with it).  And yeah, with things as they are, I can see you not wanting to fail at this job, whether or not that makes you feel like a failure (which you are not and I will remind you of ad nauseam if it will help). 

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

Well, and see, that's the craziest part. The work does have a standard. I was reaching that standard easy, and I didn't change anything. It was just a matter of how the boss took it, which doesn't make any sense. She was allowing the cases before, and then all of a sudden she wasn't. And the only way to fix it involved a lot of crazy arcane stuff that ultimately didn't change the decisions but did add about a good three or four steps onto the process that added about a month to each case's processing times.

 

I think probably what it was is that she was allowing the other person I report to to handle those cases and she just wasn't looking when he was there. And now that he's back, she's back to handling her other things, but what she's done to my work remains and I can't supersede it.

oh ewwww.  So all of a sudden the standard changed and involved a few more flaming hoops, and so they expect things to get done at the same rate when there's an additional level of work that has to go in?  Oh that's great.  It sounds like some of the personnel factors are what's impacting your work the most, not what you're actually doing with the work.  That could absolutely make dealing with standards challenging, and would also kind of raise the risk of falling short, not because you're not working hard, but because the judgements on the work/the work itself sounds like it keeps changing.

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

And I find myself a lot of the time ceding that spotlight, generally because I tend to live in the present and deal with my problems and issues as they come before leaving them where I found them.

Yeah you're an adult who can deal with his emotions in a mature responsible way and not like a ten year old throwing a tantrum.  Makes sense that you don't need to shove yourself into the spotlight screaming "WoE iS mE!!#%(!".  But when other people do that, I know I certainly look up and go "hey wait a minute it's not cool when I get sad but when they get sad someone bakes them a pity cake?  double standards dude".  Part of it is when you word vomit on big public forums, usually someone will respond; part of it is that you sound like you're more internally reliant and well balanced, and while you don't need that validation, it doesn't seem fair that other people get lots of attention for things you deal with quite effectively on your own.  Or that's what this all sorta sounds like, I could be hella projecting.

 

No matter where you post the feels, it is a great idea to just get them down somewhere and make the unconscious-semiconscious-abstract into something more concrete.  It is considered very therapeutic, in whatever form you like best, and if it's here, you do the you and we can be as supportive as you'd like.

 

6 hours ago, Kishi said:

And hey, I know you're busy. Med school ain't easy, and being a doctor ain't easy. And you took this time to talk to a stranger on the internet because he was having a hard time. That means a lot to me, it really does.

oh bother sorry the point wasn't that I am busy, the point is that you're interesting, and we wouldn't take time out of our days to try and talk to you, this stranger on the internet, if you weren't worth it.  People make time for the people they find are interesting, fun, and worth their time, and if you need some quantitative data to help get stuff into your skull, just look at all the people who post encouraging things on your challenge.  All these folks wouldn't be here if they didn't think you were a solid dude.  (you are welcome any time really really). 

 

I ALSO LIKE THOMAS BERGERSEN VERY MUCH.  I haven't heard this track and I like it a lot!!! 

[Machete]

On 3/23/2017 at 2:44 PM, Kishi said:

Heavy KB Swings: 3x5x106

 

You have a beast, or do you have double 53s?

 

On 3/24/2017 at 4:56 PM, Kishi said:

Training last night was fun. Just S&S and some accessory work for my chest. I ended up using the dip machine to work on stretching those muscles out. Yes, I used a machine. My cred is gone. Only Pavel could love me, and I'm sure he wouldn't even like me.

 

Hahaha. Don't worry, my friend from back home uses spin bikes and Smith Machines for his GB training.

 

23 hours ago, Kishi said:

Not to mention that there's been some talk on my Facebook that's been pushing some of my buttons regarding men and sexuality and relationships and it's just reinforcing this sense of isolation I have from a lot of the people that I care about. Like, it's been a big issue in my life, that isolation that they talk about, but it feels like nobody ever cared about it when it was my problem, you know? So, like, I see these posts talking about loneliness and such, and there's all this sympathy for men in general, and then I try to say something and I just get shut down or shut out, like my perspective as a celibate and a religious man isn't worth anything in that exact situation. Because I've had to try to learn how to cope with that and nobody seems interested in that, but they really, really want to engage in self pity (kind of like I kind of am now). It's really frustrating, and it just reinforces some bad psychological patterns in my head, mostly having to do with some self-esteem issues that I carry with me. More specifically, it reinforces this notion I carry that somehow me and my problems are just uniquely uninteresting, or that I'm just uniquely unworthy of platonic love in addition to sexual love. It's a notion I disagree with, to be sure, and most of the time I cope with it just fine because I know it's not true; it's just really easily reinforced because I'm a bad communicator and I don't bridge that gap between my friends and myself very often or very well.

 

...

 

tl;dr: I swear I'm okay, but it's been a week where I don't get how or why.

 

So, you carry that in your headspace long enough, and no matter how much your body tells you it's okay you eventually slow down and drag. I lifted hard and lifted well, but it still took forever and a damn day and I'm just not digging it. So, I uh. I had a lot of extra money sitting around this month, even after having saved and started working on my student loans. I took a page from @Machete and actually paid into the GB program. Shit is expensive... but the quality is top notch. The only trick is how to mix in barbell squats and deadlifts, but I'm not exactly unique, and their forums have a lot of people trying to solve the exact same problem. I'm sure I'll find some way to keep that going. I think. Anyway, I owe them for certain transgressions during the Piracy Days. And I'm at a place in my training life where I can appreciate it and get what I want out of it.

 

In probably related news, it would appear that my new walking weight is about as heavy as I was at the start of the year... but I don't look like it? Surely there must have been some muscle added on to this frame of mine. That or the stomach vacuums I've been practicing for my PE have actually started to work, which, if so, I mean, dang.

 

Anyway, I've been sitting here for a lot longer than I meant to doing a lot less than I thought I would. Enough.

 

NICE. So now we have you, @Rooks, @Ryuu1011, and me on team GB. The boring, monotonous guys, compared to the more dynamic GMB crowd. (Anyone else? I think we can make a GB follower's thread somewhere.) I'm looking at writing something about Foundation One, once I finish the damn thing, because hollow holds are very demoralizing. I'm also thinking of eventually mixing 5/3/1's main lifts with Foundation as accessory work. Or just Olympic lifts and gymnastics (a combination that Coach Sommer mentioned might have massive potential).

 

P.S. About the loneliness, I feel you . Facebook seems to be really toxic about that, at least for me. I recognize that self-esteem has been my biggest challenge most of my life; it just got ground-down all those years, and there's nothing I've been able to do about it (I probably should). As OG badass Pat McNamara said, you can't out-perform your self-image. (That's why I VWd (voluntary withdrawal) out of Special Forces Selection all those years back.) We tend to go for what we believe we deserve, and I most of the time think I don't deserve anything. Seems to breed resentment. But hey, at least I'm really far away from being a rapist.