Bouncer's Base

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Hey, all! A new area of the NF forums I'm going to make my new main base!

I had about a six-week break from the forums after having tried Heroes Rising. To see if it could help me sort out a new direction for goals. 

 

Found out that it wasn't a right fit for me right now. Learning how to juggle school, work, and extra stuff that can quickly fill it up too quickly while keeping on the upside of mental health. I've been very thankful for this site on teaching me on how to write out a plan and goals in a structure that do work for me.

 

Finally seeing the foundation I made all of 2016 on this site. But as I noticed last year, my struggles fo starting, doing, and finishing any types of projects have been my weakness. Or at least very weak while not making myself sick with anxiety and depression... So for the of this forum. Is not just for "healthy habits" but for the ability of me able to think of a project, and follow the plan that I can make from start to finish. A biggie since I'm changing different parts of my life a bit. 

 

 

Okay now on to catch up time! What have I been up to the past 6 weeks? 

Spoilered, because it just isn't short. And my lack of attention span to add pics. 

Spoiler

 

First off, let's start with a song that has been the theme song for me all of March. 

 

For me, I've been having a lot of "aha" moments, where I almost feel like I'd been looking through a looking glass at my seventh-grade self. This song was on one of the happy memories of always dancing to on a CD dreaming of what my life would become. 

Okay categorizing different parts of my life to hopefully make it easier to read:

 

 

 

School:

I've been hitting new milestones and weird things I've never done before. Like actually showing up to class! (Only missed one day of class in both, and that was due to me not being smart on being prepared with car troubles). Actually finally understanding the benefits of showing up to class even though I don't feel prepared. 

 

Partly this is happening after falling in love with a class and getting an A with ease for the first time in my 3 full years of college. And it is still going strong after ten weeks. 0.0 And that is SOMETHING! (I easily get bored and move on..) Long name: Recreational, Park and Leisure. Going to be getting the paperwork after actually taking the intro course. 

I personally can't explain to anyone what I'm going to do with it, except that I know it's going to help me continue in the right direction while making the next few years WAY more enjoyable. 

 

While my American Indigenous Studies class is hitting so many weaknesses it hurts (it's intro level, while it feels Junior level.... I wasn't prepared). I've learned so much, and the reason I've mainly shown up to every class is because it is after my favorite class (along with being a smaller class, with weird conversations at times). My reading speed and writing paper, ugh. Am learning though. 

 

 

Finally wrote that down. 

So with my school change, means my volunteer/jobs are going to be changing. 

 

Work:

A year ago, I had been just figuring out that I wanted to try a different museum job in my area to get back on my feet, and confidence in a work field. Since then 10 months of volunteering, I've grown so much... To the point, I am holding down two part-time jobs still, one museum and the other thrift store janitor. My plan when I started school was a thought of having a really good setting for work while finishing up a degree & a certificate. 

Now, my thought is. Along with my wish having any of my jobs in the same city as my school, I need to try something new. What Bouncer? You already said you are having a hard time juggling everything.... Yup! I did, but soon as May comes around school falls out for the summer, and the one recommendation for my new major is "get your foot in the door, get experiences, it will make your life a whole lot easier in Senior year (practicum needed for graduation) and help to find a post-degree job. 

 

I'm scared/freaked on what I'm doing, but there is something literally whispering from my heart saying it's going to all work out when I keep on moving forward at my own speed. 

 

 

Okay. that's a majority of my life right now.

 

Now fitness wise:

My janitor job has been my main workouts most of 2017 (though Heroes Rising gave me a new appreciation of Tabata). Mainly finding myself needing to keep proper posture and adding squats in my job (instead of bending over...). Been getting extra walking by trying to walk 3 days a week for school (20 mins at least of outdoor walking), and trying to figure out how to add trails without tiring myself too much. 

My upper body spasms have been barely any problem for the first time in a long time (especially with the extra computer/book reading time). Whenever I feel a knick, I find myself trying to safely stretch it out or find out what's causing it (usual lack of movement, bad posture, and/or lack of hydrating). Still nowhere near pushups, but compared to the pain I was feeling just a few months ago, it's wonderful. 

 

Nutrition wise:

I had a full on aha moment at the end of Febuary. I have a difficult time mindfully eating, because the stimulant I take for my ADHD messes up my feeling of hunger. So when I finally feel hungry, it's WAY too late for the ability to rationally think. 

So approaching food differently. Trying to eat protien every four hours tops to avoid hunger. Binges are still emotional, mixed with fatigue from school/new life skills. 

While also working on finding a less stressful relationship with food. Less rules, slow changes, accept what I actually need (because if I keep it around I tend to need it less compared to when I control it). 

While I'm also choosing to once a week to evaluate a brand name, and question if it's something I want fo buy all the time. (The idea money is voting yes to what the company does). So far off of Mc Donald's and Dorito chips. Not an entire item, just with the brand name. From personal worldview reasons and working on feeding my body right (slowly). 

 

 

My social life is the most lacking. However, with my better mental health and confidence on being more positive and open with people, my loneliness is more from just not having the full connections. But I do have support where I really need it or a conversation. Haven't quite found friends that want go out on trails yet, however having been out on a trail with my class shows me I just need to get a bit stronger to be able to keep up with anyone ihn the future. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So much writing in two hours... Needed to share it with you people! While also needing to get back in the loop of the site. 

2 full hours of having something qualified to not call "procrastination" from finishing on putting away my laundry. Will now carry on. Tomorrow need to show up at work on time, do my job (smile while I'm at it), get home and work on a late paper while doing other things.

NF goals: Get caught up with one friend and return here. 

 

 

Added on May 4, 2017 - Challenge Log (because all the cool cats do it) (a work in progress)

-2015-

-2016-

-2017-

May 22- Start of my RP Challenge 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Showed up to work on time for the first time since the time change! Whoop! While also one exhausted manager let me know she wished I worked every day.... Whelp I have at least one manager keeping me insured I have job a there. 

 

Crashed this afternoon, so just getting back to the forums tonight while hitting writing goal. 

 

Goals for March 24-  April 14 (no changing these, see how many days in 3 weeks I can actually hit them :D)

-School stuff attempt at least 10 mins a day 

-Check in with journal at least once a day (found out bullet journals is my preferred planner, now to keep the habit of using it daily.)

-Check in with NF at least 3 days a week. 

-Write 444 words a day.... (emergency creative outlet... I've been getting to the point where my imagination has been blurring the boundaries of reality. Spring fever... A needed outlet). 

-Be active some form every day for at least 20 mins (janitor jobs counts, class days are counted, my museum days are what I need to work on getting the extra fresh air). 

 

 

This is me keeping it narrow. I've been advised to try to work on main habits for 3 weeks in a row, and then evaluate what worked and what didn't. Try to figure out the foundations. 

 

And happy Friday everyone, I was able to chillax a little before heading into my work weekend. Not complaining, just gets rough at times. 

Here's a song that came up in my head before sitting down and writing:

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

(Empire of the Sun has been my personal fight music to get past my own dark of thoughts). 

 

Okie Dokie, it' s nearly 2 weeks since I posted on here.... Was going to post here yesterday but kept forgetting. I didn't forget about this thread, just either chose to wait since I already wrote my 3 posts for the first week. While this second week is lovely depression and anxiety that takes up all areas of time in my life. 

 

But, even with the mental chaos. The habit I have down is writing 444 words a day! Helps that Camp NaNoWriMo is happening, and cool things happening around 4thewords. I'm more than halfway to my goal of 30-day streak, even though I'm writing nonsense half the time (which I think is part of the process of getting through any large endeavor).

 

My other four goals haven't been completely lost, working on them or I realize if I'm I'm not doing them. I should be doing a bit more self-care.

 

 

I've mentally given up on being perfect at my janitor job (has taken me 5 months of having this job), with the idea "worst thing they can do is fire me". I'm not bad at my job, and I'm still working 98% of the time at work. Just choosing to go my pace (pushing my pace to get the fitness benefit of squats and heart rate up), and realized I'm actually getting more stuff done with learning how to juggle different parts of the job... Work anxiety pushed away for this one job, while anxiety mixed with depression for everything else. Lovley. Still learning to juggle. 

 

 

Okay other goals added: (since I always add more to help with the others):

-Budget with the envelope system.  (I realized I really like my cash in Canada and giving this a full trial to see what works and what doesn't. So far I've done this for 1 week. My battle with my food budget has been 90% win in the first week.)

-Habitica.... with following a budget. Also, need help with getting rewards for anything outside of the budget.... So trying to use the "get stuff done to enjoy other things". It's been working this last week for real money, however not working working for non-money erwards. 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay now that's done for the week clear up.... Need to make up the "list" a bit cleaner. But it's here. 

[MichiruSedai]

I FOUND YOU!

[Loveable_Bouncer]

11 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I FOUND YOU!

Literally when I saw the notification I immediately though "you found me"! Now to check on you after this!

 

 

Other note to share, I battled the worst of depression I have met in the past six months... What ended up curing it? A walk at a state park I had been wanting to do for a year now, but finally did so for my wildlife class. It had taken at least a solid hour, but soon as the group divided into two groups when we turned around (at least 20 people..... I was in the one of 5 with the professor asking questions and seeing a few more animals with one guy letting us know where.). Soon as the group shrunk I perked up and I noticed the dark voice that I've been listening to for at least a week wasn't there (it came back in the morning, but I knew how to deal with it again). 

 

Mainly feel like I've come from a battle, and am trying to figure  out how to battle the very late homework (only for 1 class) and figure out what I can do for the summer "adding a bit more to my resume...." The perk! I'm able to see the end of the light in the tunnel. And this morning was able to make a couple strides and found a strategy that has been helping with my personal battle. 

 

Literally, one month to go for school, and a new goal. Walk on an unpaved trail every single day for at least 20 mins. With my vibrams, I can do so in rain or shine (exception is when I see "storm warning" ). I found out a few different "public nature" areas. Free places, and am working on just getting exposed to new areas (other words I know I'm going into my right major, because with museums I didn't go into any new places. On Saturday I kept finding myself stopping to check out nature areas I've been driving by my whole life). 

 

Now to share the song of my favorite boy band of the last decade.... That is coming back on the radio due to hitting 5 years old.... 

 

[MichiruSedai]

Being out in nature really helps my depression, too.  I'm glad you found something that helps!

[Loveable_Bouncer]

On 4/10/2017 at 5:39 AM, MichiruSedai said:

Being out in nature really helps my depression, too.  I'm glad you found something that helps!

The awesome part I'm realizing this week, is that this enforces my college major change (Recreation, Park, and Leisure Services). Kind of cool to be finding a path that is good for different parts of my life.                         

 

Today I've literally am running into bizarreness with school. Tackling my Oral Traditions class has left me crying several times this week (not my professor, not the work, just me trying to deal with myself and tackling the juggle). Soon as I had a good plan to get going, something in the universe allowed my car door lock to seize opening (first time where I've been literally locked out of my car, everything in that car, and have the keys in my hand). So trying to figure out a new game of juggling.

 

Thankfully all my electronics and backpack I had taken out last night.... So can message and do work, it's literally head desk with school work and scheduling (big pointer day in my OT class and involving someone else). While I haven't been the smartest with my money and don't have a lot of revenue ideas coming in yet due to emotional roller coaster. And dealing with work today. 

 

Okay complaining done. Now to move on, even though my caffeine is locked up in the car (along with all my money....). So ordering pizza and pop with my mother's blessing and moving on... 

 

 

L

[MichiruSedai]

oh no, I hope you can get into your car soon!

[Loveable_Bouncer]

On 4/13/2017 at 1:26 PM, MichiruSedai said:

oh no, I hope you can get into your car soon!

Thanks, Michi. Roadside assistance was able to help me unlock the car, however, the guy had no idea how to disable the alarm (my van is to burglar protected for its own good). My mom's boyfriend was able to luckily find a youtube video, that my mom was able to instruct me over the phone... So yay on being able to use the vehicle, and living in a safe small town has its perks. 

 

Though ironically I locked myself out of the car for 2 hours at the local river park... where I found people "hanging out' in the parking lot... Even when a strange woman is hanging outside of her car, staring around or playing with her phone... I didn't really walk near the Minnesota river due to realizing the Spring speed of it, and not having a "secondary person" in case something weird happened.

 

Bright side depression went away, downside it had taken up a bunch of time and energy away from school work. 

 

Oral Traditions is a battle, but nice enough my life skills worker was able to be my accountable buddy and help remind me why I need to refocus on my school work (since I was procrastinating for hours on housework or stressing out about the car- I couldn't figure out if school or car was more of a priority...). I've been able to get some points in and realizing how to bullshit or time myself (or little bits of enjoyment here and there). And found out this class goes really well with Energy drinks.... which just shows me I need to talk to my doctor about changing my stimulant since I only need up to 3 cans on my worst of days so far. 

 

I'll be looking for accountability help in the future, especially with NF goals. Right now keeping up with @MichiruSedai and @stealthstitcher. Will add more based on activity on my own thread, and ability to check on these gals over a few weeks.

 

I also completed my first 21-day challenge yesterday I realized. I found a way to check in my journal that works out (will show a picture later). So I made another one up. 

For the first 21 day journal check in, I had checked in 60% of the entire 3 weeks. The longest streak I held was 6 days, that continued to 7 today. (Saturday and Sunday were the most often days I skipped). 

 

So figured out I liked percentage also since I could see I wasn't a failure (a battle I'm also learning with college, a zero and D are very different percentages). 

While I also made a chart for the week on a small habitica challenge, of killing off a boss I've been fighting on the game for 8 months. (Habtica seems to be working a little bit better when used with my journal and accountability buddy). 

 

My writing goal has been going 100% at my longest streak of 27 days (lot's of BS some days, but worth practicing or "letting the creativity flow daily"- been noticing on how it has helped with knowing the difference between reality and imagination). 

 

I missed only one day of hiking this last week because of yesterday in the first week. 

And my NF activity is heavily affected by my depression (it just crushes my accountability). 

 

Really see I need to have a template on here. But oh well. Can't seem to write any shorter. 

Here's a song I've been playing while studying today... just like the undertones (also helped me through the long commute last summer, always blasted on the radio):

 

 

[MichiruSedai]

I will routinely vanish from NF for a week or two at a time when my depression gets really bad.  I'm actually considering a goal for next challenge to not isolate myself on my bad days.

[Loveable_Bouncer]

1 hour ago, MichiruSedai said:

 

I will routinely vanish from NF for a week or two at a time when my depression gets really bad.  I'm actually considering a goal for next challenge to not isolate myself on my bad days.

 

 

I will join you on that one for accountability!

Between my depression and adhd the reasons why I don't come on, are skills I need to train for being able to do things I don't want to do (like following through on my homework...)

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Okie Dokie, so I got a couple challenges for this week setup in my journal. One too many, but worth weeding out as I progress through the week. 1 is mini challenge for this week (to get me to do homework, and another is trial mode). 

While also a trial mode with this template!

 

Goals:

Check in BuJo (once a day I check off I picked up and open my bullet journal daily) X=Check off!

S- X 3/3 days (100%)

M 

T

W

T

F

S

 

Days of Hiking (Large goal to 365 days by March Next Year) (am going to try pics, since I take photos everytime I go out)

S- Stopped at a large park with trails up in the cities before going to Easter celebration with brother (Day 8)

M 

T

W

T

F

S

 

Laundromancer Full Attack (Found I have a boss on Habitica I've been battling for 8 months, time to kill as I try to pass my class, daily goal 65 for perfect)

F- 87.7/454 to kill

S-  45.8     133.5/454

S- 

M

T

W

T

 

NF Check-Ins (NF is no fun without Buddies, check in at least twice a week, will note by what day I check in)

Michi- Sun. 

Stealthstitcher- 

 

Anti-Poison Mini Challenge (Servings of: Pop or Nutrition lacking food, Energy drinks okay up to 3 cans)

S- Easter: Don't remember the number of cupcakes and pop... 1 serving of Cheetos puff. (Pro-active: Easter basket treats separated into 1 Serving Bags)

M

T

W

T

F

S

 

 

And the song I've been blasting during my weekend:

 

 

 

My challenges don't follow the same amount of days or end goal. And so far I've been liking the freedom. I have the layouts in my journal in my preferred way, but easy enough to check in and share what I've been up to goal wise. 

 

Easter celebration was good, the 3rd holiday in a year where I celebrated it with my mom's boyfriend's family, his son wanted to have a gathering at his large house. After 5 days of low socialization, I was looking forward to it, along with real homemade food (only sweets were bought mini cupcakes, pop, and my Easter basket which I only ate 1 serving while bagging up. 16 servings from basket let's see how long this lasts). 

 

Tomorrow is the end of my accidental 5 days Easter weekend..... I needed it. And I'm still having to attack this homework badly. 

I had taken the "daytime" off from homework, got home showered and have been attempting at it. Breaking into bite size pieces for stuff has been a problem, but my mom has been nice enough to lend a ear/response to my talk for a buddy. 

 

Reminding myself I need to complete this shit, so I get the points. So I can pass this class, for the sake of my GPA and never have to take another Writing Intensive class (unless of course my major says otherwise...)

 

(Note if anyone wants to be a cheerleader and ask me about my class, please to do so. Just slgiht begging down here....)

[stealthstitcher]

By all means, tell about your class! Your course of study is actually really interesting and unusual. What's a writing intensive? I would assume intensive writing? Whatever that is - but it sounds intense, it's even in the name!

[Loveable_Bouncer]

11 hours ago, stealthstitcher said:

By all means, tell about your class! Your course of study is actually really interesting and unusual. What's a writing intensive? I would assume intensive writing? Whatever that is - but it sounds intense, it's even in the name!

1

 

Oh my gosh accountability even when I get the permission, I've been getting my answer to be way too complex. Personal processing I guess.

 

Okay so for my Oral Traditions class, you'll have to ask me questions on what's interesting. 

As a Writing Intensive, I'm really looking back and going "why the hell did I choose a Writing Intensive, I suck at those classes." Looking on paper, I really should have had more than enough time to do everything. But so much learning, and fighting with self, and then learning about the fight. I didn't factor in the exhaustion and the "returning to school" stress. 

 

What I need to get done:

A good portion of weekly discussion boards. After two days this weekend, I finally figured out how to simplify. To the point I just realized had 3 left, which I nee to check if I can do two of them still. While the third I realized isn't due till next week. (Small win). 

 

While looking over what still needs to be done.... I question everything. I have two more solid weeks of homework to start. While having an unknown amount of papers to BS while also working on the final paper.... Which I have barely started. 

 

So I need to break down the above amount. And dammit it is already bedtime. Since full day tomorrow at the break of dawn... 

I know my days aren't as busy as they could be... And I'm thanking god for having Friday be a fun day from Janitor job (class trip for Oral Traditions). 

Haven't been to work for a week, I can't complain but oh its so easy..,. 

 

My eyes are finally giving out, have a good night all!

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Wowza this last week... 

 

There has been a piece of relief somewhere in there, mixed with "oh my god how am I going to do this too," along with so many prayers. Then avoidance to top it off. But sounds familiar. 

 

My real stressor of the last week:

Spoiler

 

Mainly Tuesday, something happened with the van on the security system staying on (the only way to reset is to lock/unlock van with key or remote, which are both out of commission as of the Thursday beforehand). The security system goes full off when I open or close the door (sometimes when I just turn on the van) and turns off 2 minutes.... I never knew how long 2 minutes was. 

 

The kicker is that everything we read out of the manual says it shouldn't be working... And everyone we met has no idea how to help turn it off (or just the horn at least). Which has me avoiding using the car, which has led me to be almost late for things. 

I also live at the base of a hill in a valley, and with the warm weather, the acoustics are great... No one at my jobs or school cares because it's an open area. While in my apartments, everyone is griping about/glaring at me (now I know how a mother with a crying child feels like at times). 

I don't have any extra funds to take it in, neither does my mom, and I'm not willing to give up the car till at least May 2nd, my last day of school. 

 

My "give a flip" gets so taken down by the stress of it, that my school work has felt it since Thursday...

Found the meter also influences my goals of doing laundry, cleaning house, and just taking care of myself. 

It comes down to the demon that has been haunting me, probably found its way into my van (found my true weakness). 

So lot's of prayer and complaining.... 

 

 

 

I also got hit with sunburn and lot's of walking yesterday. The perk! I got enough sun where I accidently burned and a large amount of social time during a class trip to check out sacred areas within the Twin Cities that I had read about this last semester.Otherwise, I need to refocus. I pretty much have a countdown to getting my assignments done and one exam on Tuesday. 

 

I also figured out the template on the thread, isn't working.... Me not wanting to touch it is a big give away. The ones in my journal are very active though, and easy to get caught up if I miss a day or two. 

 

 

Okay school. Need of accountability, even though I'm dead tired from having to be at work today (and not sleep in). I can still get something done. Discussion boards on responding to people... Main subjects this week, assault on Native women and the traditions of the Deer Woman. (will come back on my latest goals as I get them done...)

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Homework update....

I had two of my responses done, along with a 3rd that needed to get done at some point. Still have 2 more responses due tomorrow, but after 20 mins of work. And realizing I need to put laundry away and go to bed. I'm choosing self care direction. 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Okay a new era to start!

---

Part A (title to help with organization)

 

Feeling  as I had awoken from a deep sleep, I caught my breath as I felt hard cold rain hitting at my face before I could adjust to my new surroundings.

 

“Don’t move!”, I heard a woman’s voice demand suddenly to my right, unintentionally going against her command I turned to look. I froze as I looked into two pairs of glowing green eyes staring me down. As my eyes adjusted from the rain, realizing lights were passing by occasionally replaced with darkness. The woman did not flinch, as I realized she also had a gun pointing at me. She was here for business and wasn’t messing around.

 

What the hell did I get myself into now?

 

“Where did you get that?” her voice was low, I was confused, what did she mean? I was a little too preoccupied with the gun in my face. I never had seen a barrel of a gun before in my life, and I was busy praying that my imagination has gotten the best of me finally.

 

“In your hands”, she seemed to growl at me, another light passed by and had me realize she was wearing all black, making it harder to see her, “Where the hell did you get that?”

 

As if relearning how to move, I slowly looked down, feeling the ice-cold water hit that back of my neck making me gasp. I felt my fingers wrap around something large in my hand, as I stared down into a large glowing crystal, as another light passed by I could see the crystal was in the center of a large book that I was holding. My hands gripped the book hard, it looked like something I’d only seen in movies. By just the light of the jewel and heaviness in my hands, there was an importance that I couldn’t explain.

 

 It felt like it was vibrating in my hands, a powering going through me. How did this get in my hands?

 

I heard a click of metal from the woman next to me, that I could only take as impatience.

 

“I don’t know! What is it anyway?” I said quickly to the woman, feeling my brain go on full fight or flight mode. I knew I wasn’t going to win either, but I always seem to need to keep a fight going.  

 

I was ready for her to give me a fight, she just cursed instead.

 

I looked up at the woman in surprise, she had put the gun back in its holster. No more signs of being ready for a fight.

 

“What’s your name?” She asked still stern, but less hostile.

 

I stood there in shock unsure of what she was asking, or still processing that the woman’s eyes were still glowing while looking at me.

 

She rolled her eyes and then quickly I felt my wrist being grabbed by a leather glove. She held my arm sternly and looked over my hand as if looking for something. “Bouncer…” she spoke slowly “Huh, seems aggressive for a youngin’ like you.” She said with a hint of humor in her voice.

 

I stood there silent watching her, the heavy droplets on my face blurring my vision.

 

“Whelp, it looks like you’re the one I’ve been looking for.” Letting go of my arm, she openly looked me up and down, “Come along youngin’.” She turned around smoothly and I could hear her heavy steps in splashing in the nearby puddles.

 

I was unsure to follow her, and I looked down at the journal in my hands. The crystal sparkled up at me as if acknowledging me. Something in my gut gave me the idea it was probably safer to stay with her than stick around with an expensive looking book in the dark. I put it under my arm, and ran after the heavy footsteps.  

 

---

Kind of a "respawn" towards my challenges. 

 

My alter ego in a whole other world, and I have no idea what is going to happen. However, it seems to write itself. 

Will write out the goals in the next post... because NF site is weird like that.

 

 

 

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Goals:

Weekly writing- Continue the story every week with at least 100 words, only exception to not update every week is because of technology issues (get the points is to write it by hand in personal journal). 

Note: Open to suggestions on what happens to the story or Bouncer if I miss a week of writing (or in my own life).

 

This week's Quests: (May 22nd - 28th)

 

Connect with Journal: A powerful item, would be helpful if I learn how to use it. 

Write in daily food journal, of what I ate and my feelings toward what I eat. Learning about why I eat and what I enjoy eating.

< 3 -- You're not ready yet for what's inside.... Can't open journal.

4-5 -- You can open the journal, the pages are blank.

   6 -- You can open the journal and read helpful information. 

   7 -- Not only can you open the journal and read the helpful information, there is a special symbol that appears on the cover of the journal.

 

Keep up with Green Eyes: It's dark, raining, and the woman isn't always checking if you are able to keep up with her. While also there's something in the air, that doesn't want you to  look too hard in the shadows. 

Walk 5 mins a day outside and Simple Exercises for Assassin's mini challenge. (2 points)

  < 6 -- Can't find Green Eyes and end meeting something from the dark shadows. (will randomize if good or bad)

 7-11 -- Able to keep up with Green Eyes.

12-13 --  Able to keep up with Green Eyes, and end up at location.

     14 -- Bonus: Green Eyes gives you an item. (plus all above)

 

 

 

And I want to add more, but I don't see that ending well....  Cool!

 

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Okay so every week I've been trying to get back here... I was goo on my goals that first week, but following up something up was difficult. 

 

Which could easily be from starting up my Museum internship, the weather, and my brain's progress on getting worse with "fight or flight" response (my brain had lost the filtering out stimulants that have made going in public very uncomfortable) for several weeks (finally settled down a bit after having a small panic attack on Friday). 

 

I've been avoiding writing on NF because I felt like I was complaining and coming up with no solution. And not really seeing my own personal progress. 

 

Which has led me to lose 10 lbs in about 6 weeks. I lost the weight that I gained in 4 months of school, and lost in 1 month. Being the first time I lost weight in over 6 months, which I think probably was a factor on my mental health spiraling.

 

How I lost the weight?

Simply: Medication change --> lost hunger and intense cravings --> I'm eating mostly fruits (sweet summer kind) and high protein servings that are convenient (yogurt, cheese sticks, milk, high protein granola bars (with chocolate) and ready made or frozen meals). 

My main cravings: Sprite (when I'm dehydrated and hard to drink down my water) and muffins with milk (full on comfort foods that are quick in calories...)

I've been avoiding caffeine because the new medication makes me more dehydrated (and with the heat I can barely keep up some days... so Sprite cravings are in). 

 

I still crave sugary foods, and prefer dessert for breakfast, lunch and supper. But I've been able to notice my reactions towards having cake for breakfast (muffins I tend to eat/drink more protein with naturally). I kind of found a half way point. However, I'm still trying to figure out the balancing act with my budget. 

Definitely found out I just don't like cooking, however shopping on my worst of days is bearable.

Cooking has many steps, and then a guessing game if it turns out edible (eating something I don't like that I made myself I found makes me feel miserable, however if I bought it I put my mouth where my money went in...) 

 

So I'm getting closer to an answer for nutrition, and actually having dreams about fruit instead of cheap chocolate or coca-cola. 

I'm being less rigid on what I buy, except on knowing what I will eat along with the main job that food item 

 

Now to work on balancing out my paycheck with food bill. And that's something I need to keep a new eye on I found after I estimated heavily wrong in just the beginning of the month. 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Mental health updates. 

 

To help with fight or flight system (which has made my janitor job painful), my therapist gave me the job to work on relaxation exercises when I get home. And get back into nature preferably daily or at least when the heat is down, away from any high traffic areas. (I realized I started to avoid nature areas when the heat got bad, which she pointed out my sensitivity could make a slightly warm day unbearable for me- so at home the a/c is always on for white noise and keeping the temperature stable.)

 

While also my symptoms were getting bad the universe ended up having a mindful education course dropped in my lap (called something else but I can remember what its called). 

Pretty much every week on Wednesday for hour and a half for the next year I will be going over different types of things. To help give me tools to hopefully make my life a little easier. When I was told the main broad topics they went over, I just was a little surprised on how all my personal weaknesses fell under each title... 

I'm a bit nervous about it, because soon as the Dr. I talked about getting more therapist time... I kind of went on full defensive mode (a few things happened before the meeting) but the panic attack happened after I got home. 

 

Main issue I have with my therapist is seeing her more, she's awesome but only working 4-days a week and her patient level I'm lucky to see her every 3 weeks. 

And having even a secondary therapist I ran into some problems in the past... (One intern had made me very wary after I found out how messed up her notes were when I was just getting paperwork in order. That thank god a later on therapist let me know that she would clear it up). 

 

However with having a panic attack (which had me realize how small and quick my attacks can be), I may need some other support especially with a class that might bring up strong emotions. 

 

The other thing that is happening though is I'm going through some good ole psych testing. Which can help clear up what I need or work on. So I'll be returning on that. 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

So why I haven't been on NF?

 

For some reason my "giving back" isn't  there, which has had me isolate myself a bit. And being exhausted with myself or dealing with small parts of my life. And how my online gaming has come back up, and my life's fun is going hiking on a good day..,

 

My games I'm playing: Dream of Mirrors Online (my first real MMO, that has cried out for some gamer to come back as its dying again.) I realized is the number one game where I enjoy the "progress" over the hitting the goal. So I've been playing to see all the new changes I've never seen before, and actually work on leveling up to see parts of the game I've seen before. it also doesn't overheat my computer (unless I have four other things going on at the same time). 

Reign of Blood.net- Vampire game that I've seen around since I fell into my vampire Middle school years. While also giving me an excuse to watch the entire Vampire Dairies series white working (so I can roleplay in a group based off of the VD and Originals series). 

 

Both games I've made a rule to step away from for a couple hours if I notice my depression/anxiety going up. 

In the past DOMO has made my depression worst, but that was because I was looking for something to fill my social or the drama got bad with a group of people I got to know (which all social clubs are known for...). 

 

While also realizing yesterday I have little to no creative outlet lately. And that's where my depression I feel like can be seen (as if a fog is over that part of my life). So trying to grab at strings with ReignofBlood for writing, and actually having picked up the book Host from my bookshelf (owned it since it came out in hard back, from the famous Stephenie Meyer, first time since I turned "adult" where I tried to read it). 1 chapter a week, but I enjoy it when I do pick up the 600 page book. 

 

 

Whelp I felt like I need to return and give reasonings. Right now I'm actually having good habits or pushes, but having little energy/discipline to approach them the "correct way". 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

2 weeks later update....

 

As the month draws to an end, I figured out what happened in June. 

I told the universe, "Okay I'm going to be working 40+ hour weeks, let's make it work". 

 

Universe: Oh so let's add more! Okay! So I will add in the mental health class (DBT) and psychology testing! Oh yeah, your main van is going to start making a really awful noise when you drive, until the point your brakes don't work in the rain. And because of the stress and new medication, let's make dealing with yourself harder by upping all your senses! P.S everything will start calming down in the last four days of June!

 

The funny part was when people asked me "so what are you doing for fun?" 

Which would give me a flash back to January resolution: make my real life better than online. 

In reality, my real life is better than reality because I'm bouncing everywhere in new interests... So my online life is barely existing. 

 

My body is thankfully adjusting to the medication, I mainly have to be mindful of drinking enough and getting enough daily food. My doctor eyed me when I told him the medication is helping with my sugar intake (16 pounds in 6 weeks). I feel like my relationship with food is better, but still, need to match it with my low budget.

I'm noticing a bit more on things I haven't noticed before (which I know doesn't help with my confidence some days). But I'm also able to read a bit more for enjoyment (not quite a book yet, but full articles online have been easier and enjoyable).

While other patterns arise in my daily life. 

 

Fitness wise, I'm mainly trying to get out into the little forest/park areas that I feel safe.A few times a week (and getting a nice summer farmer's tan from it). I was close to finding the perfect escape between both of my jobs along the Minnesota River until I bumped into my first Gardner snake of the Summer (and saw a dead one killed by a lawn mower later that week). So the perfect place I'm giving a small break as I try to go to other parks that have a little more foot traffic but are further away from city life/highways. 

 

Another bonus is realizing quite a bit how much my mom's boyfriend is willing to be there for her and me. He was open to try to help fix our vehicle, but also giving me his truck to use with the trust that I won't hurt his baby. And more worried about making sure the van is safe for me to use in all weather, and pretty much giving me a needed break on taking care of a car I can't afford to maintain except gas. 

 

 

This evening I also hopefully hear the results of my psychology testing! (or having more testing for some reason...) I'm intrigued by it, I actually did a Rorschach Inkblot Test (what do you see in this picture..). Something I always wanted to do after seeing it on Nicolodean and other kid channels growing up...

I'm really interested in what the results are and hoping there will be new information (or a different look at problems I have been having.) Will have to see. I'm trying not to keep my hopes up, since the one thing I've been told is through all my struggles I do have a good sense on my abilites. 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Hmm it has been over 2 months since I posted on here... I started a respawn last week: "Bouncer Appears Once More"

 

During my last post I found out I had a few more sessions of testing to do, and go the results in mid-July.

Ended up getting results that gave me better incite. So much information its hard to describe. But realized school is going to be a headache because working memory and slow processing with my anxiety/depression are their own battles. I however have been confirmed that my choice of Anthropology and now Rec and Park is a great choice for my career path. But pretty much since I became heavily active in NF in beginning of 2016, I'm getting a better idea that I'm going toward the correct path but I only see a vague formation on what I'll end up with.

 

 

July ended up being an unexpected month of strengthening my Spirituality to a daily habit. Pretty much strengthened my need to connect with nature. While also really seeing how I've used sugar/food and video games/TV as a full on escapism from the world. I've gone toward more of the Earth Spiritual path (joined a group on Facebook that is connected with NFA that isn't very active but haven't been too far from the NF stuff). I ended up finding a new bit of needed understanding of that lonliness and view at looking at my daily life (to the point I was making my bed and cleaning my apartment just for myself, no other reason). Mainly felt like I went through a spiritual boot camp, it was a bit crazy and I'm still have questions. But I'm learning. Not going to go in more depth, other than I'm making it part of my goals along with the other aspects in my life to make it well rounded.

 

All of August was mainly me freaking out about the Summer ending and trying to figure out how to organize everything I learned to help me when school started. It's interesting.

So still trying to figure out how to get through my difficulties with school, working on the needed foundations (such as writing a short paper without a melt down would be nice or being caught up on the reading/skimming of chapters).

 

School is super easy compared to last semester, however like I just said I have so many skills to work on. And learning how to make them work for me.

 

Well just wanted to update right before running to class. I've been procrastinating since I new it would be huge otherwise. 

 

 

Oh also, I've been supposedly still losing weight till the point I'm able to fit in plus size 18 (while my 20 size pants are way too big). I've just personally noticed my weight loss, while I still don't know the exact pounds but I think its about 30 lbs of loss in one summer.. So I'm working on not going back to my old ways as school is around.

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Goal/Pants post......

That moment you fell in love with a pair of jeans....

This is the place on the interwebs where I'll be posting a monthly post of a pic of me wearing my purple pants (lovely bathroom selfies or if I can get my mom to take a pic).

(I hit a NF goal of taking progress pics).

 

 

September 11th, 2017- I wasn't able to get a good front pic due to balancing wasn't working this morning.... (Pants I can squeeze into these jeans at the moment, can't zip up any and barely over my butt....) Next month I'll try to get someone to take a pic for myself personally since you can't see all the shades of purple).

 

Spoiler

 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Huzzah finally my favorite information Youtuber has made a collab video on how to make feeding one self, possible!

Realized I've been looking at the staples list all wrong. Along with this having a backup plan in itself if I have all my food be everything I will eat with no thinking. Then on my bad days, I shall still be able to feed myself! Whoot!

This looks way more fun now.... Since I realized once again I need to stop spending money on convenient food I don't like... Which has been happening because I forgot my food or my food didn't look good (need a variety of stables that can't get old.... which follows the lines of this video's rules). 

 

 

 

Also, I had a realization on my mental health this week. What I view as good days, or "normal days", and describing others as bad days. Isn't really the reality for me. What I think is normal maybe actually be closer to "numb" (protection mode, cut off from emotions). Which would make since when I have a good day it can quickly get worse, which I think maybe from the emotions finally getting out.  While I'm still learning how to deal with them.

DBT this last week I realized that I didn't know quite a few of my emotions by name... So fresh new realizations for me when I'm told I'm so intune with myself... Which had me realize of course dealing with my emotions would be difficult if I have been avoiding them for years...

So acceptance on that I am working on being with myself and all that comes with it. And that I'm not going to feel like this for very long, I've been changing on a monthly basis. Able to get through my bad day and still enjoy life is saying something. Now to learn how to play the game of life on what I want to do.

 

 

So yeah deep breath. I'm seeing the skills I've been avoiding and been needing. I'm also realizing I don't need to have a "stable" life (I avoid that more than anything else).  But more of having the tools to handle whatever I get myself into. A big realization I'm still learning a lot about me... I've been having stuff in my life start coming up, lots of good stuff but a lot of caution of "should you do it though? We want to avoid a melt down!" No, that's not the way I want to live. I want to be able to jump in the fun when the universe shows it to me, but also be able to deal with if I start crying in the middle of the night because I was able to slow down enough to process something.

I know there is so much more I need to learn, but I'm going to enjoy these steps now.