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Ensi - The Fox Gives Zero Fox


Ensi

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Huh, this one's a bit tricky to start, because I have so much to say...! I'll just start somewhere and see where it goes.

 

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It's been a long winter, and I've been struggling with unhealthy beliefs and depression. I have gained 5 kg during the winter, been sad and anxious, and felt very scared of graduating and landing a job after graduation. I've been trying to be perfect at everything, and look good and successful. I've also had a rather toxic crush on a guy, which has been difficult for me.

 

Despite this, I've handled my studies extremely well, and landed an internship for the summer. So, things are going like a dream, but I've felt lost and lonely.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I broke down tired, and travelled to my parents' place to rest. I talked about my feelings and beliefs with Mom, and she helped me to fix my perspective. All the time, I've been asking,

"What does the world want from me?",

and never asked

"What do I want from the world?"

 

This means that I've been just trying to please everyone (possible employers, guys, relatives, EVERYONE) without a proper focus, and been scared of not knowing where to put all my energy into. So, for the past couple of weeks, I've asked myself, "what kind of work do I want to do?" and "what kind of things do I want in my relationships?", and it's been really helpful.

 

So helpful, actually, that today I stepped on the scale, realized that I've gained 5 kg during the winter, and got frustrated. Which is a great feeling to have after months and months of "meh" ;) @deftona helped me turn this frustration into positive energy (thank you so much for this!), and now I'm joining the rest of this challenge!

 

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I'm not going to make this a big "WOOHOOO BACK IN BUSINESS B**HES" kind of a thing, but a calm return to my own vibe. The focus will be especially on the next week, the 3rd to 9th. I want to return towards my Druid vibe, breathe and be happy in the present moment. I'm going to go back to daily yoga with the help of Adriene's Revolution.

 

MORNING ROUTINE

 

- bike trip around the town

- Yoga With Adriene

 

NUTRITION

 

- no processed foods or sugar

- no grains or dairy

- eat mindfully, mind portion sizes

 

I will have harder times, because the stress and depression have messed up my hormones, but I need to be extra kind to myself when those low feelings hit. 

 

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I'm currently at my apartment, Fort Foxy, and travel back to my parents' place in Winterfell on the 12th of April to spend the Easter with them. Now I have 10 days to focus on myself and regain a sense of ease and calm. But it's only the start, and this will keep on going my whole life. Time to get started with yoga for the day :)

 

ED; The topic sounds a bit different from the tone of this challenge... But all this is also very much about giving less fox about things ;)

 

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15 hours ago, deftona said:

Here to cheer for you and watch you get back to yourself :D <3 

 

14 hours ago, Teros said:
Image result for corgi

 

13 hours ago, Terah said:

Following off course! <3

 

Yay! Always glad to be in good company :)

 

Getting back to myself, indeed...! I ate a lot of cake and chocolate yesterday, which I actually enjoyed a lot ;) My friends were over to celebrate my birthday, and in the evening, I went for a walk and just chilled out. I completed a Day 1 of Revolution, and made vegetable soup ready for the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night, fought off some bad feelings and sugar hangover, and got some sleep afterwards. In the morning, I had breakfast, slept a bit more, and then completed a workout: 3 rounds of Boxer Prime Day 1, 3 rounds of BBWW, and Day 2 of Revolution. The Boxer workout was horrible due to the sugar hangover and sleeping badly lol, but as I warmed up, I started performing better. I feel like a fat corgi, indeed, far from my own foxy self!

 

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Nevertheless, I don't feel angry or frustrated with myself, just calm and accepting. This is actually the beginning for a story about someone, who's fallen off the track, but is starting to fight towards better things :) It is how it is! I focused on the yoga practice: I know the good, balanced feeling it can bring me, and now I'm after that feeling. I'm also curious about a boxing gym that's pretty close to Fort Foxy - I could go check it out for free on Wednesday! The boxing workout reminded me of the times I used to do boxing regularly, and the sport just fits me super well. I might go check it out ;)

 

Todaaaay... I think I'm gonna go for a short bike trip to town, and then work on the thesis. I'm not pushing myself a lot: I get my things done, but without strict schedules. My mind and body need some rest and funny times after the winter, for sure!

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Happy belated birthday! your morning routine sounds lovely~ 

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Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

2022 challenges:  49 (current)

2015-2021 challenges: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 || 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 || 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 || 43 | 44 | 45 | | 46 | 4748 ||

 

My epic quest | MEATBALL WARS

You don't get better at anything unless you start doing it.

Being alive is heckn swell. 

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17 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

Happy belated birthday! your morning routine sounds lovely~ 

 

Thank you! :) Yeah, biking is like medicine to my mood!

 

Yesterday evening was a bit difficult (anxiety and loneliness), but eating was OK, I went for an evening walk, and slept well. Woke up with that same dull feeling, and didn't really want to go biking. I didn't listen to myself, though, because biking helps me with anxiety pretty much every time :P I went around my usual route, and a couple of things happened:

 

1. there was a long stretch of road, and I did some sprints by pedaling faster. I suddenly realized that I was having a lot of fun!

2. I thought about the times a couple of summers ago when I biked along the same roads, and remembered how I wanted to be like an action star or a superhero. I guess that vision kinda fell off as "childish" at some point after that summer, but now it suddenly sparked joy and enthusiasm in me again!

 

Well, I take my childish vision any day over anxiety and dullness :D I don't know, somehow I've felt vain and selfish. But that's not very productive, is it? I have to allow myself to daydream about what I want and go after what I want, and I think boxing is one of those things. I enjoy challenging my body, fighting and riding my bike fast... Funny how much a small sprint with a bicycle can make you understand about yourself o__o 

 

So, today I'm gonna keep focusing on healthy food choices, and do some studies. While having some fun, of course :D

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What a great insight! Now I feel like doing some bicycle sprints too. :)

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Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

2022 challenges:  49 (current)

2015-2021 challenges: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 || 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 || 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 || 43 | 44 | 45 | | 46 | 4748 ||

 

My epic quest | MEATBALL WARS

You don't get better at anything unless you start doing it.

Being alive is heckn swell. 

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20 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

What a great insight! Now I feel like doing some bicycle sprints too. :)

 

It's the best! 8D I should do a spring maintenance for my bike, though...! Do you have good biking roads where you live?

 

OK, the Shark Week I had just a couple of weeks ago was like an encore of the previous Shark Week (aka mid-cycle bleeding gosh), so now I'm just waiting for the actual Shark Week to start x__x I'm bloated and tired, so I'm hoping that it would start soon...! Nevertheless, the sun is shining and the weather's getting warmer :) I went for a morning walk, and did an hour of yoga. As said, I feel a bit sore and tired, but as I was doing yoga, I was starting to connect to my energy. That sounds a lot more cool than it probably is lol, but there's definitely a connection to my body that I feel when I do yoga. I can feel it even when I'm off the mat - my posture's better, and I breathe more fully.

 

The anxiety and loneliness went away yesterday, but they were somewhat replaced with... bitterness? I guess it's part of recovering from depression: there was frustration a couple of days ago, and yesterday there was bitterness and emptiness - but no loneliness or anxiety. I'm getting some stronger emotions back, instead of the ongoing sadness and "meh". And today, I've been feeling hope and joy :) Sure, the depression has taken a toll on my mind and my body, but as I was doing yoga, I suddenly thought to myself, "I want to keep smiling". And with that I mean that I don't want to become bitter, but hold my head up! I'm starting to see that there are new adventures coming my way. I want to keep getting better at yoga, go biking, and get my studies done. I haven't wanted anything lately, but now I'm starting to pick up the good vibes. The biking trip yesterday morning reminded me of what I like to do and how I like to feel like. One day at a time...!

 

I studied yesterday, and went to the movies to see Ghost in the Shell. It was visually amazing, and I'd want to see the original anime, as well :) Now I'm studying at home, and taking some notes. Right now I'm gonna need a nap, though...

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2 hours ago, Ensi said:

It's the best! 8D I should do a spring maintenance for my bike, though...! Do you have good biking roads where you live?

 

 

There's one really long paved one. It's not as pretty as the ones you share, but it's nice to have. 

 

I feel the same way about yoga! I just feel more in tune when I'm doing it regularly. 

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Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

2022 challenges:  49 (current)

2015-2021 challenges: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 || 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 || 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 || 43 | 44 | 45 | | 46 | 4748 ||

 

My epic quest | MEATBALL WARS

You don't get better at anything unless you start doing it.

Being alive is heckn swell. 

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22 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

I feel the same way about yoga! I just feel more in tune when I'm doing it regularly. 

 

Same here! :D Did 30 minutes today, as well. I usually spend some time picking a video, but usually the one I pick always seems relevant for my day :'D It's nice to do it without the videos at times, though!

 

Still no idea what the sharks are up to, but they are up to something...

 

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it could be the next minute. or next week. I just don't know when they will hit.

 

I went for a morning walk, and after that I've been focusing on my studies, and paid the bills. I made a study schedule for the next few days, and now I've been working on my thesis. I found a couple of relevant theory books - and that's where I end finding any more source material! I'm gonna finish the theory, then analyze, and turn my thesis in. Simple, eh?

 

I did feel a bit low earlier, but I'm blaming hormones. Eating's been fine, and I'm about to go home and have an evening snack :) All in all, I'm doing a lot better, and feel better about myself. I'm taking the evening off from exercise, and instead, I'm going to clean my apartment and cook dinner (a ratatouille of sorts!). I'll do a strength training WO tomorrow!

 

I'm gonna be OK. I'm strong enough, and I do enough. Yeeeeeessss

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I'm very happy with all the things I got done today :) As the day passes, I've noticed that the low vibes have been topped by positive and stronger feelings. I think this depression was caused by the false belief of "now I gotta go to work and become a serious adult and make money and succeed in all the things!!!" like no wonder your fox has been feeling down! Now I'm getting my Nerd Hat back on.

 

After getting my studies done, I've read success stories on NF blog, and went through some resources to get myself in the right mindset. I'm starting to find joy in the idea of getting back in shape - my body's a bit out of tune, currently. I'd like to get back to making goals, and thinking of myself as a game character; it seems to be the best way to make this funny for me :D I'll take part in the next challenge, and start making small goals.

 

Thank goodness spring is here. The sunlight and biking trips are saving my life <3

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I made that ratatouille last night, and decided to make a bigger effort to shift my food choices towards paleo. Somehow I'm not satisfied by the foods I eat, and that's why I want to shift towards more fat and "real foods". So, I went for an evening walk to the grocery store to get some bacon for breakfast :D I ran into a couple of friends there, and we walked back together. It was already after 10 PM when I got back home, and I really enjoyed walking out so late :)

 

Sleep was good, and I woke up at 7:40 AM. I had some bacon with egg whites for breakfast, and coffee with almond milk and cream - and felt satisfied! I went biking for an hour, and had a small snack after that (ratatouille, sweet potato and goat cheese). I need to start seasoning my foods better to make healthy eating fun :P

 

Mood keeps on improving. I've had HC blocked on FB chat for the past few weeks so that I can't see him online, and I decided to take the block off yesterday. Seeing him there was too hard, though, so I blocked him on the chat again. Why make myself feel like crap, when it's not necessary at all? Right now, I'd rather not see or think about him. I'm just relieved that I've finally started to find my footing again :) I'm gonna study today, and meet a friend tomorrow. I have a few days to focus on the Paleo Shift before I return to Winterfell on Wednesday to spend the Easter with my family.

 

But first... I'd like to go to check out the mall. There's a shopping event there, and I hope they have food tastings there ;)

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Welp! I fell down a couple of times this winter on both my knees, and now that I've started biking, they hurt like hell x__x So, no biking today, and only a short walk outside...! I might do a strength training workout with exercises that don't strain my knees too much :D

 

Eating was fine yesterday, even if I felt a bit weird. The rules are now simple, though: no processed foods, but sugars that are low in sugar and high in nutrients. Simple enough :P I'm gonna take a short walk and get some ingredients for a vegetable stew.

 

Lately, I've wanted to write something fictional, and maybe draw a short comic book. I just wrote down some fictional stuff that popped into my mind last night, and I think they turned into philosophic ramblings. Hashtag humanist T__T Anyway, I'm happy that I'm writing, again. I haven't done that in a long time, but now it's starting to come back to me :)

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Knees still hurt and morning weight is 75,5 kg. It's back to almost the reading on the scale I had two years ago...! Realistically, I think I could see 70 kg again by the end of the summer. I guess I should feel discouraged and bad, but I'm actually somewhat excited to start working on my food choices and mental health again! I just did some meal prepping, and that sense of "beginning of an adventure" is pretty strong right now. Thank you all for supporting me, I just always feel welcome and accepted, no matter how many steps I go back every now and then :)

 

I'm travelling back to Winterfell on Wednesday, which will be a challenge: it's hard to keep my food choices healthy there, but I'm going to explain the situation to Mom and cook as many meals as I can. It is a bit unhealthy environment, especially mentally: sometimes my close family makes remarks of others, like "your cousin has gained so much weight!!" in a "woah, what the hell happened to them??" kinda way. This is how I know that my body is "monitored", too, and someone somewhere is probably talking about it. The compliments usually make it through to me, and Mom's always happy tell me that "hey, your aunt told me that you're so slim and beautiful these days!" 

 

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This kind of a approach to body images has shaped me a lot, I think. Whenever I manage to lose weight, I become agitated, in a way. As if my "new better body" would have to mean that I will soon get all the success!! or something. I just have to keep working on seeing my body as an important part of me, but not as something that defines me or my intellect. Sure, I have now gained weight as a result from stressful events and depression, but uh. That happens. No need to brand myself as anything more than a foxy lady.

 

Hmm... I think I could just recognize some Aliens that lurk around the house in Winterfell already, and make up strategies. To weaponize myself! :o

 

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Let's see, then! My biggest downfalls in Winterfell:

 

1. baking with Mom, and as a results there's something sweet in the fridge (pancake/cake/dessert)

2. protein bars in the kitchen cupboard

3. my own "haha yeah let's have some treats!" BS

4. feeling awkward about making my own foods / having to consider other people in the household

 

Strategies!

 

1, 2 and 3 are basically the same thing, so:

 

- ask yourself, "will you be proud in the evening, if you make this choice now?"

- walk away

 

If it's a social gathering, have one treat you really, really want.

 

4.

- plan meals with Mom

- keep a ready batch of salad in the fridge

- mind portion sizes

- take no second portions

 

I really need this to start believing in myself again, and helping my body recover from the winter.

 

OK, how about this: every time I fail, Bolton Ramsay releases the hounds?

 

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Yes. My Easter in Winterfell will be the Battle of the Bastards episode! Seven days of fighting, and every day I need to win at least 3 out of 4 of downfalls I mentioned above.

 

... it seems that I'm getting my playful self back ;)

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Ughhh just seeing Ramsay's face makes me twitch. Good idea for a challenge!

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Gargoyle Ranger | Level 49

2022 challenges:  49 (current)

2015-2021 challenges: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 || 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 || 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 || 43 | 44 | 45 | | 46 | 4748 ||

 

My epic quest | MEATBALL WARS

You don't get better at anything unless you start doing it.

Being alive is heckn swell. 

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5 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

Ughhh just seeing Ramsay's face makes me twitch. Good idea for a challenge!

 

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... should this be NSFW? hmm

 

Winning! I didn't have any sweets today, and I resisted my urge to binge on Netflix and worked on my thesis instead. I now have 42/60 pages written, and I haven't even started the analysis properly...! I just need to send it to my instructor and ask for her opinion on it. I'm not in the greatest rush ever with it, since I'm doing some more studies in the autumn and I don't have an actual deadline, but hey - better finish it sooner than later! I won't have any courses on May, so that's when I will finish it, if not sooner. I also went for a short walk, because we're having a communal election here in Finland and yo' Fox had to cast her vote. The weather was very lovely, the spring is coming along nicely :)

 

Mom called, and now I have an ally in Winterfell: we're gonna cut down on sugar, and enjoy the Easter foods on Easter, only :D We talked about the kinds of foods we could make, and I promised to make my share of the cooking. I'm happier to go to Winterfell with this arrangement :P Can't wait to get back to my normal self, it's weird to have these extra pounds on me: I'm already used to being a bit lighter. May this be a reminder of where I do not want to go back to o__o

 

Aaaaand now I can binge on Netflix. I'm watching 13 Reasons Why, which is very dark, but I can't stop watching it :D Only three more episodes to go...!

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Today's theme: how to handle failure!

 

My stomach has been upset, and I realized that it's caused by eating ground beef. I got frustrated about failing, and just feeling like I have no control over my body or anything. I felt bad about gaining weight, and that I failed to stay around 70 kg. I came across some study tips on Youtube, and they handled failure. There was a featured video:

 

 

So, let's see. What has this failure taught me?

 

I have been in a mentally bad space, continuously thinking what others think of me, and thinking that I should be better. This led to months and months of anxiety and trying to control my body, but in the end, I just burned out and ate myself fatter. In the past couple of weeks, though, I've debugged these mental bugs out of my system. So, have I completely failed? No. What must I do now? As the video says:

 

1. Don't quit too early.

2. There's no such thing as failure.

3. The past is not equal to future.

 

I am going to sit down and write myself a story. I'll write a story where I came from, where I am, and where I'm going. And then I will keep eating with the Programme's instructions: I still have them, and they worked. I felt great eating the foods, and it was easy. The only thing that failed with them was my own impatience about not losing weight. I've failed to plan rest and fun things in my days, as well.

 

I learn, and I move on. Now with more knowledge, which means that I have better changes of succeeding :)

 

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8 hours ago, Ensi said:

1. Don't quit too early.

2. There's no such thing as failure.

3. The past is not equal to future.

Heck yeah!

 

Until you have won, the story is not finished! Not that it's ever really finished, but for any one goal, it is important to keep going until there is no doubt in your mind that you have succeeded. If you tried and it didn't lead to a situation in which you feel joy, then you aren't done yet :'D

 

It's like hiking to a city of many wonders... many obstacles will pop up and by day 11 you might be sooo close to giving up, not realising the city is just around the corner and if you can just keep taking one step after another, you will reach it on the 12th day :) 

 

You are so good at persevering, even when you feel so down! I'm always impressed at how you pick yourself up and find some valuable piece of advice that allows you to dive back into the fight (sometimes it really is a fight to survive)

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6 hours ago, Owlet said:

Until you have won, the story is not finished! Not that it's ever really finished, but for any one goal, it is important to keep going until there is no doubt in your mind that you have succeeded. If you tried and it didn't lead to a situation in which you feel joy, then you aren't done yet :'D

 

It's like hiking to a city of many wonders... many obstacles will pop up and by day 11 you might be sooo close to giving up, not realising the city is just around the corner and if you can just keep taking one step after another, you will reach it on the 12th day :) 

 

You are so good at persevering, even when you feel so down! I'm always impressed at how you pick yourself up and find some valuable piece of advice that allows you to dive back into the fight (sometimes it really is a fight to survive)

 

Thanks, Owlet! Will the city be a funky one? *insert Funky Town beat here*

 

Good at persevering... Now that you made me think about it, I'm not sure why I always want to keep going. I have the will, but not the purpose. Does that make any sense? Maybe a few years ago my motivation was to show my bullies that "motherf***ers I'm awesome!!" but that no longer motivates me, because I've actually been accepted in a community of kind and loving people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's a pretty cool sounding motivation, though... :'D Nevertheless, NF forums is my biggest support at this "get healthy or die trying" thing. You keep me going :) But I'm gonna need to think of a new motivation.

 

I did so much yesterday...! I painted in the morning, went for a couple of walks, did a short kettlebell WO, did yoga, checked out a new coffee shop, went to pick up a book for Mom (they didn't have it, but promised me they'd have it today), took library books back to library, studied, and submitted a couple of assignments... And therapy!

 

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It was the kind of therapy you do alone at home, though :D But I sat down, opened a Word document, and wrote down my life story so far (some inspiration gathered from here). I didn't go into every single thing that's happened to me and what I've done, but gave the current problems a "storytelling treatment" in which I put them behind me already. I picked the current issues, wrote down the positive sides, and their relevance for my awesome future. ("The pain this situation caused her made her understand herself more profoundly. So, in the future, when she was given the key to the kingdom and access to the secret land of unicorns, she handled it in a calm manner, because she now knew what she wanted. And so, she lived happily with unicorns to the end of her days." Uhh wait what)

 

I may have written myself as the coolest librarian in the world, who develops more accessible systems and trains people to search and evaluate information. Sure, why not! Maybe I'll move abroad and have a small library in the southern France :D What was interesting in writing my life story was that it made the current issues look smaller, less significant, and now they look like stepping stones towards something new. It was very helpful. I'm making a lot of progress: a bit over a week ago, I was still thinking, "do I have to keep living?" but now I'm definitely starting to look forwards.

 

I'm back to following the programmes portion sizes! I don't have any weight goals. Instead, I'm making it my daily goal to stick to the daily menu. My knees still hurt, especially if I go down the stairs, but I'm taking it slowly. I will study a bit, and then go pick up Mom's book. I'm tempted to go for a cup of coffee in that new coffee shop, because it was so gorgeous...! Hmm. Maybe I could take my books and go study there! :)

 

OK but now for the important stuff:

 

 

THIS LOOKS SO WEIRD (IN A GOOD WAY??)!! They're smashing (hehehhe Hulk reference lmfaoo) together different genres and it looks like a... a COMIC BOOK MOVIE from the 90s or something? I did not expect this movie to look like this at all, and I'm actually interested in seeing it :D And Cate Blanchett is always wonderful. We'll see! :D

 

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4 minutes ago, Ensi said:

THIS LOOKS SO WEIRD (IN A GOOD WAY??)!! They're smashing (hehehhe Hulk reference lmfaoo) together different genres and it looks like a... a COMIC BOOK MOVIE from the 90s or something? I did not expect this movie to look like this at all, and I'm actually interested in seeing it :D And Cate Blanchett is always wonderful. We'll see! :D

Haha maybe it's because it's directed by a Kiwi ;) Actually I highly recommend his other movies. Particularly Hunt for the Wilderpeople and What We Do in the Shadows. Seriously, go watch them! Well, do your studies first.. but next time you're looking for a movie, look him up! 

 

7 minutes ago, Ensi said:

 

Thanks, Owlet! Will the city be a funky one? *insert Funky Town beat here*

Hahaha you know it girl.

 

8 minutes ago, Ensi said:

Good at persevering... Now that you made me think about it, I'm not sure why I always want to keep going. I have the will, but not the purpose. Does that make any sense? 

Totally! I think sometimes the purpose becomes more clear to you as you persevere... as you tackle each issue in front of you, you get stronger/wiser etc and open up new opportunities and possibilities, which in turn helps you find your way in life. It doesn't all have to be planned out ahead of time (I really need to tell this to myself tbh). That said, I love your story idea. I can see how that would be very reassuring and inspiring. Maybe I'll try it too haha. 

 

 

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1 minute ago, Owlet said:

Haha maybe it's because it's directed by a Kiwi ;) Actually I highly recommend his other movies. Particularly Hunt for the Wilderpeople and What We Do in the Shadows. Seriously, go watch them! Well, do your studies first.. but next time you're looking for a movie, look him up! 

 

Oooh, thanks for the recommendations! I'll check them out :)

 

2 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Totally! I think sometimes the purpose becomes more clear to you as you persevere... as you tackle each issue in front of you, you get stronger/wiser etc and open up new opportunities and possibilities, which in turn helps you find your way in life. It doesn't all have to be planned out ahead of time (I really need to tell this to myself tbh). That said, I love your story idea. I can see how that would be very reassuring and inspiring. Maybe I'll try it too haha. 

 

Hmm this is an interesting perspective... I think I've always had this inner need to live on my own, which has caused a lot of turmoil in the past few months and the dating BS gutter that I'm totally stepping out of. I wrote that this episode taught me what I want from my dating life, and that now I'm ready and free to find a relationship that works for me - when the time is right! Anyway, I totally recommend the story thing. It made me the protagonist in my own head, and see myself as an active character. I'm so young and impatient that it's ridiculous: my university studies have lasted only 6 years, and so much has happened. Can't even imagine, what the next 6 years bring along...! Give it a go! :)

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A fun way to spend your evening: sit down because your knee hurts like hell, and get a stomach bug :'DD I don't know if it was something that I ate, but I ... am not going to details. Nevertheless, food was on point yesterday :) Except for that motherf***er that gave me a stomach bug.

 

I'm proud of how I handled a friendship drama yesterday: my friend's been talking a lot about her new boyfriend, and even about their more intimate stuff. As happy as I am for her, this has made me extremely uncomfortable, because I'd rather not think about other people's intimate lives, and I can never know when she's gonna throw something WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION worthy IN MY FAAAAACE x__x After some anxiety and annoyed feelings, I realized: it doesn't bother me that she talks about the new BF (because who wouldn't?), it's just the intimate stuff that causes me to shut down. The solution? I told her that I love hearing about her happiness, but that it makes me uncomfortable when she brings up the more intimate stuff, and she understood completely. There. Drama solved. Go me! :D

 

As for me, my powers grow every day D8< I'm starting to see that my days are starting to be filled with calm energy... The weird feeling of "I should be somewhere else, doing something else" that's been bothering me for months, if not a couple of years, is starting to subside. I'm getting more done, and I'm actually very excited about my thesis. I do still get an arrow to the feels every now and then, but it's not as intense anymore. I'm now doing my best to channel the idea from LotR (some hardcore NF stuff coming up in 3 2 1) when Gandalf says, "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." So, I'm deciding to eat mindfully, and work every day. It will lead to good things :)

 

By the way, if you've seen Moana, check this video out! My mind was positively blown:

 

 

Now I really wanna see Moana again :D

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13 hours ago, Alarion said:

Always great to return and read up on your adventures, Ensi. :) And glad you are not giving up on yourself!

 

Haha :D Yeah, life's like a game I've invested way too much time and effort into, and I don't want to give up on it. I'm currently installing a new expansion pack, in which the protagonist gives less f**ks but is also kinder and calmer. The installing process is a bit bumpy, but I'm good at getting over technical difficulties ;) I hope you're doing fine, too!

 

I'm in Winterfell! The Battle of Bastards has begun!

 

giphy.gif

I was looking for a serious gif, but this was the first one to pop up

 

I won yesterday: I ate on the train, and when I got home, my parents had bread, cheese and all other sorts of foods with coffee, but I only had a cup of coffee with almond milk. Later on, I had smoked salmon and vegetable stew. Bottom line: I had no sugary treats from the cupboard, or bread. And it was easy :) I'm starting to see a change in the mirror, and I'm going to keep following the meal plan.

 

There was a surprise raid on my camp last night, though: I woke up feeling extremely nauseous x__x My upper body hurt, and I felt like throwing up. I got up, had some water and a banana, and stayed up watching American Ninja Warrior (god bless the channel that decided to play an episode at 1 AM!). The show distracted me long enough that I started to feel like sleeping again, and then I got sleep from 2 to 8 AM. I'm suspecting migraine, caused by fatigue.

 

Dad checked my knee, and said that it could be broken :o If it doesn't start to get better, I'll go get it checked out at the university health care. Despite these obstacles, I'm happy to be in Winterfell, and I might stay a bit longer than what I had planned :) Working on my own issues has made me more relaxed with my parents, and they're a lot happier with me these days :D And when Mom saw me yesterday, she told me that my facial expression has changed, and I look calmer.

 

And the thing is, I am calmer. At the same time, I'm sad and tired about the time I've spent panicking about dating and HC, but how could I have handled the whole situation like a pro without previous experience? I never dated as a teenager, and I've been pretty busy with other things in my life so far. This was something I would have had to deal with at some point, and now I think I have understood what I want. I don't have a need for a relationship like some of my friends do, but I'm starting to feel happy about being on my own again. I'm gonna be me, and if I meet someone whose weird matches mine, then cool :D I'm in no rush. The days have started to become slower, in a good way. I feel like I have time and energy to handle my studies, and enjoy the spring.

 

Breakfast was two boiled eggs with lamb and a cup of blueberries with whipped cream, and a cup of coffee with almond milk. Another day of the battle has begun D8< Have a lovely Thursday, everyone!

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