Jump to content

Recommended Posts

So, I should have done what Dagger suggested. Instead, I ate it all, and bought even more.  It wasn't a good day. Well.. that's not true. Parts of Mother's Day were great. And other parts of it hit me like a truck.  Onward and upward...

 

Today I have made good choices. We had a company bbq for lunch.  I only took one entree (piece of mexican steak), one small dessert, and a bunch of fresh fruit.  I also brought myself a tupperware of fresh fruit and veggies to fill up.  I also took a 40 minute walk since we had an hour instead of a half hour.  I made a new recipe for dinner Orange Teriyaki Beef With Noodles that I believe I also got from Sylvaa. I had a portion, and portioned out the rest for my family and for leftovers.

 

Now I'm going to have air popped popcorn, sprite zero, and a movie.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have made good choices today, so far. I made it through the grocery store without buying any crap, except for one pint of halo top in honor if it being our first day in the 80's this year.  I finished yesterday well under the calorie goal I gave myself, though I still feel like I was too high.  I feel like I will be too high today.  I'm getting really stressed out by allowing myself to eat high calorie ("high" by my standards), especially after a binge day.  I'm feeling incredibly anxious today, and I'm not talking to people unless they reach out to me, because I'm pretty sure that all my friends/accountabilibuddies/whatever are really sick of my drama/whining/etc.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I'm feeling incredibly anxious today, and I'm not talking to people unless they reach out to me, because I'm pretty sure that all my friends/accountabilibuddies/whatever are really sick of my drama/whining/etc.

 

As one of your friends/accountabilibuddies/whatever, I am not sick of your drama/whining/etc. I am also however, really bad at being the one to reach out to people (words are hard!). But, that's why we are here. If you can't talk to us when you are having a bad day, what's the point? 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

As one of your friends/accountabilibuddies/whatever, I am not sick of your drama/whining/etc. I am also however, really bad at being the one to reach out to people (words are hard!). But, that's why we are here. If you can't talk to us when you are having a bad day, what's the point? 

 
 

 

11 hours ago, Dagger said:

 

The most intellegent thing I have as an answer: *hugs*

 

1

 

^ Better than what I usually say. 

 

 

I really wish there was more advice on how to step away from calorie counting or ways of doing it that will give someone similar results but less stress (since yah know I can't even follow through that).

 

It's awesome that you were able to see the "obsession" when you saw yourself restricting baked goods wasn't the best idea. And awesome how you were working on preventing bad situations most of this challenge, with great replacements. Or being upfront about your bad choices and seeing a plan to figure it out in the future. Or being able to easily change your goals. 

 

Also, I'm at awe for your ability to lose that much weight within in your last appointment (I just realized last week of the good thing of seeing my different weights through my doctor's notes). 

 

And also I realized I've been somehow getting your good habits unintentionally (been going to bed around 10ish for an entire week... it' weird). 

Always feel free to share, message, (or tagging your accountabudies). 

It's been awesome to get to know you through this site, and you do help make this community awesome. 

 

Spoiler

8db36300d07c185ccfcf10a23d92a865.png

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, Dagger said:

The most intellegent thing I have as an answer: *hugs*

 

Hugs are almost always the right answer. Thanks.  *hugs back*

 

10 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

As one of your friends/accountabilibuddies/whatever, I am not sick of your drama/whining/etc. I am also however, really bad at being the one to reach out to people (words are hard!). But, that's why we are here. If you can't talk to us when you are having a bad day, what's the point? 

 

Thanks. My anxiety appreciates being told that I'm not wearing out my welcome (entirely serious).  When I get into this kind of mood it feels safer to wait for people to approach me. But then they don't, and I take that as confirmation that I was right and they are sick of me. Oops. (note: not speaking of your specifically)

 

8 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

I really wish there was more advice on how to step away from calorie counting or ways of doing it that will give someone similar results but less stress (since yah know I can't even follow through that).

 

It's interesting, because I actually find calorie counting comforting most of the time. I like the numbers/data aspect. I like the control of it.  Sometimes I just get tired of caring about it though, and I just want to eat like everyone else.  However, I want to be healthy, which means I can't eat like "everyone else"... at least not on a regular basis.

 

8 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

It's awesome that you were able to see the "obsession" when you saw yourself restricting baked goods wasn't the best idea. And awesome how you were working on preventing bad situations most of this challenge, with great replacements. Or being upfront about your bad choices and seeing a plan to figure it out in the future. Or being able to easily change your goals. 

 

Yeah, I am definitely never again doing a goal to eliminate or severely restrict any specific food(s).  I've tried it a few times now, and all it does is make me want that one thing more than anything else.  That's another nice thing about calorie counting: I can theoretically eat any food I want, as long as it's in my "budget", or I'm okay with how far it will push me in the red.

 

8 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

Also, I'm at awe for your ability to lose that much weight within in your last appointment (I just realized last week of the good thing of seeing my different weights through my doctor's notes). 

 

Thanks. :) I'm trying to focus on how much I've accomplished instead of dwelling on how lackluster the last few months have been.  Onward and upward!  (and yay for your progress, too, in your doctor's notes!  wootwoot!)

 

8 hours ago, Bouncer the Resilient said:

And also I realized I've been somehow getting your good habits unintentionally (been going to bed around 10ish for an entire week... it' weird). 

Always feel free to share, message, (or tagging your accountabudies). 

It's been awesome to get to know you through this site, and you do help make this community awesome. 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

8db36300d07c185ccfcf10a23d92a865.png

 

 

 

Happy to share my habits with you, mwahaha!

 

Thank you for your kind words. Seriously.  *hugs*  You feel free to message me anytime too. :)

 

 

So, today. Today has been okay.  I got some walking in before work, because yesterday I was walking laps around my house at 9pm trying to meet my goal, lol.

 

Today I'm still very anxious about food.  I know I'm still holding onto water weight from my binge (usually takes me about 4 days to level off), and to be honest, I ate enough to calories to probably gain 1-2 lbs of fat between Saturday and Sunday.  I'm not proud of it, but facts are facts.   I'm pretty sure I won't hit my super-awesome goal of 149 by the doctor, and probably won't even get back to 152 by the doctor.  Maybe I can at least be back to 155... or at least not gain any more.

 

I had two people conjecture today that maybe I am binging/so obsessed with wanting to eat all the time because I'm not eating enough. I feel like I'm eating TOO MUCH already, just allowing myself to eat at maintenance (plus a little extra from my activity burned).  I'm eating an average of 1600-2000 calories on days I don't binge.  Part of me is whispering... that's why you are gaining this month. But, I know the real culprit is the binging.

 

I have some challenges coming up that I'm already stressed out about.  Friday night I have a date, and since it's WI we are going to Friday Fish Fry.  Usually there is a baked or grilled option for the fish, and usually I can sub out the fries for a veggie, so I am hoping to keep it reasonable.  And I'm going hiking with my son afterwards!  The local state park has a "Night Sounds Hike" Friday night where we go out walking and the guide points out different birds/frogs/etc from the sounds we hear.  We did it last year and it was a lot of fun (plus hey, more steps, even though it's not at a remotely challenging pace).

 

Saturday I'm going out to dinner in a big group at a type of Chinese restaurant that I forget the name of >_<   where we order a bunch of things that come out for everyone to try. I'm terrified of what the calories will be like. I won't really have any way to realistically track, so I might just do a quick add 1000 calories on my log and call it close enough.  After the dinner I'm going to game night which means there will be:  pizza, protein bars, granola bars, chips, cake.  Oh, and a veggie platter, and cheese/sausage platter.  Hopefully I'll be so full from dinner that I won't get tempted during the night.  This is the event that I tend to not only overeat at, but stop and buy junk on the way home to emotionally eat away the social anxiety stress I get from being at such a large gathering (100+ people).

 

At least Sunday I have zero plans except for my usual meal plan/grocery shop/batch cook/laundry. 

 

Unrelated to my upcoming social challenges, and back to the eating. I'm considering giving IF a try. I'm not huge on breakfast, and I love to eat after work.  I did significantly reduce my breakfast calories this week, and it hasn't bothered me.   I may also do a longer fast on Sundays, since that's usually my lazy day, and since Saturdays I tend to overeat socially.  I haven't decided yet, I'm just thinking out loud (thinking in text).

 

OK... time to help kiddo get ready for bed.

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

Thanks. My anxiety appreciates being told that I'm not wearing out my welcome (entirely serious).  When I get into this kind of mood it feels safer to wait for people to approach me. But then they don't, and I take that as confirmation that I was right and they are sick of me. Oops. (note: not speaking of your specifically)

 

I did not take this personally. :chuncky:

 

12 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I had two people conjecture today that maybe I am binging/so obsessed with wanting to eat all the time because I'm not eating enough. I feel like I'm eating TOO MUCH already, just allowing myself to eat at maintenance (plus a little extra from my activity burned).  I'm eating an average of 1600-2000 calories on days I don't binge.  Part of me is whispering... that's why you are gaining this month. But, I know the real culprit is the binging.

 

It is totally hard to tell what is going on without being there. So you will have to take what I and others say with a grain of salt. Have you thought about looking at macros (or are you?) Maybe adding in additional fat would help with the feeling of fullness to not want to eat all the time. But I do want to clarify only do this if you think you could do it with MH safety. There can be a fine line between tracking and obsessing and I do not want you to cross it or encourage any behavior that might push you on to that side.

 

On the other hand, the binging may also be emotional / mental health related. In that case, the solution is going to be very different! If you think that might be more the case, what about a support group such as OA?

 

As someone who has successfully kept off ~75 lbs for ..... 13 years now (that makes me feel old), It's hard to get out of the thought process that, "if I eat this cookie, I am going to eat all the cookies and then I'm going to put the weight back on". But part of healing is realizing that you are not the same person you were when you started on your journey. Some of the stressors that had you turning to food won't be there any more. Now that you are lighter, you will be able to find other activities to help you out of funks. But you can do it! :love_heart:

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I look at macros to a point.  I focus protein, and lately I've been trying to increase good fats.

 

I'm incredibly depressed today and want to cancel all my plans and go back to bed. I've eaten way over my calorie limit already and I still have the big dinner out, and the game night with snacks.  Meh.

 

I wish I was normal. I wish I could just be happy alone.  I wish for once I could be the one to get what they want.  I wish I wasn't so disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a burden on everyone around me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I wish I wasn't so disgusting.

 

Trust me, you're not. Your soul is so beautiful, and I don't think you're giving yourself enough love. Hang in there.

 

6 hours ago, MichiruSedai said:

I wish I was normal.

 

Normal is overrated and boring anyway. You are you, and that's amazing. Don't be ashamed of it or apologize for it.

 

How about a poem to make you feel better?

 

Barter, by Sara Teasdale

 

Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things,
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children's faces looking up
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And for your spirit's still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.

 

Hang in there. There is beauty enough that you'll see the struggle is truly making you stronger. Let me know if I can help in any way.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/20/2017 at 3:46 PM, MichiruSedai said:

I wish I was normal. I wish I could just be happy alone.  I wish for once I could be the one to get what they want.  I wish I wasn't so disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a burden on everyone around me.

 

So these feelings are normal. We all feel like that! Just this weekend, I was driving back from having a wonderful time, but totally feeling like an ogre (this is what happens when you are like half a foot taller than most of the other girls you are hanging out with). So I give you songs:

 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...