ixaera keeps on going~

[shaar]

12 hours ago, ixaera said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

So, the personal stuff I've been avoiding I mostly have figured out I think. I've been somewhat unhappy with Mr Ix, maybe unfairly so, I'm not sure. We're talking about a really great guy who loves me to frickin' pieces and would probably walk in front of a few buses for me, maybe one of those bullet trains even. We've been together quite a long time, about to get to 9 years from the "official" dating anniversary, and you know, I mean, I know marriage matters to him but it's like he doesn't quite know it or something. He's made these comments over the years about how "well that's something married people do" and well okay but he'd never talked about US doing that and one day not too long ago I had kind of a big boom and broke down about it and he was like well I know it's important to you but I don't care if we do and I'd been planning to but there's all this debt

and well, I mean, that's understandable but he already knows I don't give a crap about an expensive ring and he knows I do not want a special big ceremony (I hate being the center of attention) and you can do all this for maybe $150, less with NO ring and he's saying actually HE cares about the ring and I'm like why it's on my damn finger. plus he regularly takes me to nice dinners and stuff, any one of which could be a whatever ring and a marriage license j/s

 

so it feels like an excuse

 

I have recently told him that if I feel like he was pressured in any way at all I'll outright say no anyway, so 

 

and now as a result every little thing that ever bugged me is bugging me 50x harder. like how ON OCCASION he will be weirdly super condescending. Last night we had a fancy dinner and I ate halibut on top of some roasted veggies, and there were two big scallops too. I ate a roasted tato out from under the halibut and was all "that a good potato" as you do when you eat a potato that's good and he looks at my plate, he looks at me, and he says with a touch of how-damaged-are-you in his voice "oh sweetie, those are scallops" PLEASE NOTE THEY DID NOT HAVE A BITE OUT OF THEM and yes I told him the proper response was probably "I don't see any potatoes though" as they were hidden under my halibut

 

Anyway, stuff like that that's just annoying feels way bigger than it used to and it's making me sad and honestly probably has a lot more to do with my hives and stuff than work does

 

< insert comic relief here >

 

 

Spoiler

I agree lots with Courtnie, there is a LOT of LifeScript around the way a wedding Is Supposed to be Done, especially if you're male, especially if you were raised with that traditional mindset.... some people are really just deadset on that being the way it has to be.  Not to mention the outside societal pressure from friends, family, everything...... But when it really comes down to it a wedding is about two people - the two people marrying each other - and maybe he just doesn't realize how little all that typical wedding tradition means to you?  It might be worth a sit down talk where y'all can talk it over and compromise on how to move forward, because it's your wedding too, and you deserve to have half the input!

 

[Urgan]

13 hours ago, ixaera said:

.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

You can have a traditional-eque wedding that isn't bank-breaking. It is possible. The entire thing is scalable, it's not all or nothing, and the less of an anxiety-inducing affair if you aren't trying to coordinate 40 things but rather those few things that say Wedding to you and Mr. Ix. The number of people you want to be there to see you get married has a LOT to do with it, too. Small wedding, less to prepare, easier all the way around. It doesn't by any means have to be straight out of a wedding magazine to be nice, either. 

We came up with a number that wouldn't crush my family under a mountain of debt and we stuck to it by getting some planning help so I had about 10% of the anxiety most people insist on going through. Because screw dat noise. In fact, my dad was the one that broke the budget by a bit because he wanted shrimp 'n grits on the menu (he was paying, it wasn't like a point of contention because who is arguing against shrimp 'n grits??)......* coughs * Always good to schedule the bills to come due when the tax returns come 'round, just sayin'.

[ixaera]

August Goals

 

More sames

 

 

 

Food things:

I keep gaining, so this is still here for cut reasons. I've managed about 1200 the last TWO days in a row and after watching my weight continue to creep up all July we're gonna try to roll this ball all the way to the top. And then build a fence around the top to keep the ball there. 

 

0/1300 avg

weigh ins August 15/31

July 31 I weigh 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

0/14

 

Clean things:

Cleaning OR elliptical. 

0/31

 

There will be a fourth goal here by tomorrow.

Lies - I still dunno what this should be

 

Beep boop.

 

This one is a song

Spoiler

 

 

[ixaera]

Spoiler

Thanks for the thoughts~

 

It helps, and y'all are awesome

 

[ixaera]

8/1

 

 

Food things:

Eggs, toast, berries for breakfast, lunch was half a wrap with red cabbage and stuff, and then I snacked a lot and ate some falafel so I guess that was dinner.

 

1251/1300 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

1/14

 

Bench press 3x5 78 lbs

Felt good and strong and stuff

Did one arm standing presses, shoulders didn't show up today

Some band assisted dips, band was all worn out so I did a 4x6 instead of a 3x10

curls, also arms didn't show up really

some incline db flies

 

Clean things:

Elliptical. Current book is Naomi Novik's Spinning Silver. Pretty enthralling

1/31

 

Fourth Mystery Goal:

Come up with a goal - working on it. I'm torn between taking some C# learnins and re-learning piano. 

 

Spoiler

 

 

[ixaera]

8/2-3

 

 

Food things:

8/2 - Meh. Tried a new smoothie at the recommendation of the smoothie king guy and it tasted fine but was a gastric bust. Must use the same or similar stuff as Lenny & Larry's. The choices for free lunch were thin crust pizza or a very sad looking iceberg salad, so I went with the pizza and practiced portion control. Went to a work thing and I didn't want a hot dog so I ate a brownie and drank red wine, as you do. Somewhere in there I had an ostrim stick thingo. 

 

8/3 - Ehhhhh. Overate. Frozen breakfast burrito pre-doc, lunch was a spicy chicken sammich, couple beers at work happy hour (which I spent working honestly), then I had some pretzels and hummus and some vodka and coke zero.

 

1281, 1953/1495 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

2/14

 

Sumo deadlifts 3x5 115 lbs beltless. Went perfectly fine, nothing special. 

Some high bar light squats at 85 lbs

Some pull up singles (though after bench day this never gets very far)

Some lat pulldowns

back magic walking

 

Clean things:

Elliptical Friday while reading Spinning Silver, skipped Thursday b/c I was at work event til around 10:30 or so

2/31

 

Fourth Mystery Goal:

I haven't been thinking on this as much as I should. Learning some C# would make me better at work, learning piano would give me a nice little refuge, but on the other hand I doubt I will practice in front of Mr Ix because practicing always sounds so awful. He's gone enough that mayyyyybe? But I kind of like using his gone time to use the living room TV b/c it's better and more comfy in there.

 

I need a good mental health goal, though. Mine sucks.

 

Here a song

Spoiler

 

 

[ixaera]

8/4-5

 

well not anymore, but

 

I had planned to catch up on some work, just an hour or two or something and discovered that my new work laptop does not have the VPN software on it

hello forced relaxation

 

Food things:

8/4 - wow so bad y'all. I had a delightful breakfast of a racetrac burrito (that is a gas station, folks), some popcorn, and some torchy's tacos, and some lamb stir fry and yucca and a buncha beer.

 

8/5 - Started the day full of course. Went to a tea party birthday at a friend's and ate a lotta scones. Might finally be hungry for breakfast after squats tomorrow.

 

2158, 1200/1569 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

3/14

 

OHP, 3x5 45 lbs

close grip bench 3x5 60 lbs

T-Bar Row, 4x8

Face pulls 3x15

 

Clean things:

Plenty of cleaning but not as much as I'd like b/c of various plans.

4/31

 

Fourth Mystery Goal:

Probably gonna be C#. I started a video this weekend.

 

Spoiler

 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

good on you for keeping up the lifting! you say nothing special but it really is  

[shaar]

Oh gosh gas station burritos.....

 

Fun yet embarrassing story inc:

 

We had some friends over for Thanksgiving one year and got legit wasted, and after we ate all the Thanksgiving food we were STILL HUNGRY Because Wasted and ofc everything is closed, no pizza, no grocery stores, so my friend's husband went to the gas station and brought back gas station cheeseburgers............ and I ate it and halfway through my Rational Brain started pinging like DUDE DUDE DUDE NO DUDE and I was worried it was going to poison me (maybe that's the irrational part) so after I ate it I quietly excused myself and made myself puke it up because Safety First.

 

I'm sure you had a better experience.....................

[ixaera]

On 8/6/2018 at 9:28 AM, CourtnieMarie said:

good on you for keeping up the lifting! you say nothing special but it really is  

 

Sometimes it feels like going through the motions but I guess that was the whole point right? To have motions to go through when the motivation ain't there

 

On 8/6/2018 at 10:26 AM, shaar said:

Oh gosh gas station burritos.....

 

Fun yet embarrassing story inc:

 

We had some friends over for Thanksgiving one year and got legit wasted, and after we ate all the Thanksgiving food we were STILL HUNGRY Because Wasted and ofc everything is closed, no pizza, no grocery stores, so my friend's husband went to the gas station and brought back gas station cheeseburgers............ and I ate it and halfway through my Rational Brain started pinging like DUDE DUDE DUDE NO DUDE and I was worried it was going to poison me (maybe that's the irrational part) so after I ate it I quietly excused myself and made myself puke it up because Safety First.

 

I'm sure you had a better experience.....................

 

OH my goodness

no, I have a stomach made of iron and I can pretty much eat poison and make like Rasputin and have a couple of waltzes after etc. Mostly my shame is that I enjoy gas station burritos because I am basically a garbage disposal in fleshy human format

 

[ixaera]

8/6-7

 

this week comin at me like

 

Food things:

8/6 - A different gas station burrito, for which I'm pretty sure I got judged at work. No fucks. Lunch was BBQ stuff, not much health going on. Pretzels. Cookies.

 

8/7 - We done did better today. Eggs, toast, pineapples, strawberries, pita, hummus, chicken, fish, potatoes! Ok and yeah, some cheetohs. And one of those granola bars. 

 

1414, 1308/1509 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

4/14

 

Rested Monday because there was some slight ick in the hip and the schedule allowed it, so I did squats today instead. 3x5 111 lbs, then some RDLs, landmine squats, and leg extensions, and 15 min walking

 

Hulked out on a resistance band and it doesn't resist anything anymore

 

 

Clean things:

elliptical and still reading Spinning Silver (very good btw)

6/31

 

Fourth Mystery Goal:

A coworker suggested I research a thing but I promptly forgot

I'm too ashamed to re-ask

Been feeling the idiot monster lately like

 

so today

 

I'm trying to say I did a thing on my phone without doing another thing anyway then I realize I'd left my phone in the bathroom and no one wants your bathroom phone even though everyone takes their phone into the bathroom 

 

I turned many shades of red/pink/purple/plaid I'm sure and the guy just looks at me like I'm the biggest moron

 

NOT TOO FAR OFF BUDDY

 

sorry about being gross bathroom phone girl

 

why am I such a giant idiot

 

Spoiler

 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

9 hours ago, ixaera said:

still reading Spinning Silver (very good btw)

it's on my to-read list!

 

i also bring my phone in the bathroom. it's like, when else are you supposed to get a freaking second to yourself?! you're not an idiot. if someone shames your for your bfast burrito or because you left your phone in the bathroom, that's completely unfair. though i'm hazarding a guess that your idiot monster may be helping to create these scenarios where you think people are judging you but they are not...? trust me. they've done things they think people are judging them for and are most likely just thinking about themselves.

 

also it's absolutely okay to ask your coworker what they mentioned you research. you have crazy busy days. i have to write everything down or it immediately goes out into the multiverse.

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

A coworker suggested I research a thing but I promptly forgot

I'm too ashamed to re-ask

Been feeling the idiot monster lately like

 

so today

 

I'm trying to say I did a thing on my phone without doing another thing anyway then I realize I'd left my phone in the bathroom and no one wants your bathroom phone even though everyone takes their phone into the bathroom 

 

I turned many shades of red/pink/purple/plaid I'm sure and the guy just looks at me like I'm the biggest moron

 

NOT TOO FAR OFF BUDDY

 

sorry about being gross bathroom phone girl

 

why am I such a giant idiot

 

You are not an idiot, you are a human. I am told there is a difference. Humans have finite memories and get distracted. Rather to just come out and ask again than either a - wait a while and THEN reask, making coworker wondering WTF you were waiting for or b - not ask and then get called on it later *shudder*. No, being honest is about 100000000x more preferable to either of those, particularly and especially if you value what others think of you. It doesn't make it super-fun, though, but I hope you rip that band-aid off ASAP so you can move on with researching the thing~

 

Dude, people have left books, work papers, phones, and a whooooole lot worse in bathrooms. They do it every day. People steal games and movies by bringing the shrink-wrapped product into stalls, hiding away the disc ~wherever~, and ditching the case and wrap in the feminine product bin. 

 

Feelings are feelings of course, but in this case yours are dead wrong and being mean and unfair to you. As they do.

[shaar]

You shoulda told him you were on an important poopin' conference call.

 

"What dude, don't you ever have poopin' conference calls?  Really?  What kind of wackadoo are you??!?"

 

Turn that shit around and make him feel weird for not Skyping on the can, ha HA, take that you judgemental sir GOOD DAY

[calanthrophy]

As someone who's lost his phone and found it later in the refrigerator, I absolutely won't judge you for leaving yours in the bathroom.

[ixaera]

13 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

it's on my to-read list!

 

it's really well done! I think you'd like it. And if you haven't read her Uprooted yet, omgosh put that on your list too!

 

13 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

also it's absolutely okay to ask your coworker what they mentioned you research. y

 

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

You are not an idiot, you are a human. I am told there is a difference. Humans have finite memories and get distracted

 

He mentioned it again randomly today before I could even remember to ask so I assume he's stalking me now

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

Feelings are feelings of course, but in this case yours are dead wrong and being mean and unfair to you. As they do.

 

They enjoy doing this I think

 

11 hours ago, shaar said:

You shoulda told him you were on an important poopin' conference call.

 

"What dude, don't you ever have poopin' conference calls?  Really?  What kind of wackadoo are you??!?"

 

Turn that shit around and make him feel weird for not Skyping on the can, ha HA, take that you judgemental sir GOOD DAY

 

In his slight defense I was very much rambling because he was doing a weird deadpan stare thing that made me feel like i was an overly silly person (I am, really, but most people are ok with that and I'm ok with that not being everyone's cup o' tea) but still I continue to be weird and rambly when I'm feeling weird and nervous and I was. So.

 

Perhaps he was judging me for being weird and nervous, not pooping with my phone as company? Or maybe that's his resting "I'm listening to a crazy person" face

 

8 hours ago, calanthrophy said:

As someone who's lost his phone and found it later in the refrigerator, I absolutely won't judge you for leaving yours in the bathroom.

 

One time I lost the mail key and it was between a couple packages of meat in the fridge so right there with ya buddy

[ixaera]

8/8

 

 

Food things:

Migas for breakfast, yayus! Then my appetite wonked out on me and I threw away my lunch, which meant I got hungry with no food except chips oops

 

1340/1488 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

5/14

 

Bench today, feeling very strong. was supposed to be a 3x5 at 81, but I was like pffft and did a 2x5 then a 1x8 instead. This is not a PR, but it matched a PR. Not only that, the PR was a top working set where the focus was the AMRAP, so this is still somewhat better than that, though not technically a PR.

 

Clean things:

No. I am tired. I might be fighting disease, I'm not 100% sure. I had some wacky vertigo yesterday and my face was unhappy today.

6/31

 

C# things:

This might be too lofty a goal. It needs small pieces. <-- continue to work on this

 

Spoiler

 

 

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

He mentioned it again randomly today before I could even remember to ask so I assume he's stalking me now

 

Well then, he did the hard work for you and you can act exasperated like yeah you know, you're working on it. If it's so quick 'n easy, why don't you do it?

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

In his slight defense I was very much rambling because he was doing a weird deadpan stare thing that made me feel like i was an overly silly person (I am, really, but most people are ok with that and I'm ok with that not being everyone's cup o' tea) but still I continue to be weird and rambly when I'm feeling weird and nervous and I was. So.

 

Perhaps he was judging me for being weird and nervous, not pooping with my phone as company? Or maybe that's his resting "I'm listening to a crazy person" face

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

They enjoy doing this I think

 

I'm going to go with yes for both.

[CourtnieMarie]

YAY STRONG BENCH!!

[ixaera]

8/9-12

 

the weekend like

 

Friday was some birthday drinks and I discovered this delightful blue drink thing. It was like drinking the beach, but not really because that would be sandy and nasty, but instead the idea of the beach, in a glass. So nice. And I wasn't even that drunk but I wanted cheese fries and they weren't on the menu but I was HOOKED UP and that's big tip territory y'all.

 

Then a weekend unmarred by plans, so lovely

 

Food things:

Friday summary: 1527, and we featured a turkey bacon & eggs bfast with toast, a half wrap for lunch, and dinner was drinks & cheese fries as you do

Saturday: 1123, halo top, some frozen veggies and canned chicken why not, some sashimi and stuff (technically poke but it was just fish with fish dressing and some seaweed salad) and 2 beers

Sunday: 1358, big bfast of feta & eggs & asparagus & tomato, and toast, lunch was the leftovers from the chicken & veggie thing, another beer, and some chicken noodle soup from a can

 

Could do better.

 

1358/1446 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Getting close to a weigh in day and I do not have good news.

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

7/14

 

Sumo deadlifts Friday, a fairly easy 3x5 at 119 lbs. High bar squats became safety bar squats because it was all easy access so I went for that. a pull up double followed by some pull up singles, lat pull downs.

 

OHP today, just another easy 3x5 (49 lbs) then some close grip bench at 60 lbs, rows, and some shoulder finishers.

 

Clean things:

Friday was a nope, Sat & Sun I cleaned things

8/31

 

C# things:

Thinking about how I want to measure this going forward. A class? A to-do? We'll get this figured.

 

 

Been listening to this one on repeat a bit:

Spoiler

 

 

[Jord]

10 hours ago, ixaera said:

8/9-12

 

the weekend like

 

I'm so behind on everything.

- that food sounds so lovely

- and also the cheese fries

- are you doing some official weigh in for #somethingie or for personal goals?

- lifting on point

[ixaera]

12 hours ago, Jord said:

are you doing some official weigh in for #somethingie or for personal goals?

 

I decided when I began my job that it'd be super clever to put on 10 lbs nbd

I'm currently trying to put them back off~

 

so far I am going the incorrect direction but progress on the food front is slowly being made

my takeaway is never bulk again

 

I bulk too well by default to be that silly

[ixaera]

8/13

 

my relationship with Mondays

 

Another hectic day behind me, and I forgot to refill my cat's meds D:

 

Food things:

Smoothie for bfast, sashimi for lunch with milk tea, a lenny & larry's which I swore I was giving up, then regretted, a tiny sugar snack, some nuts, and like 5 fries and 3 strawberries.

 

Herculean effort of buying greasy burger & fries for my sick honey and not getting anything for myself (except the fries he ignored)

 

Good: breakfast, lunch, not eating a burger or a huge amount of fries

Bad: still breaking down and having fries, forgetting the anti-snack pledge, the lenny & larry's

Going over limit by 171

 

1471/1448 avg

July 31 - 114.4 lbs

 

Gym things:

Lifts--keep doing these. 

8/14

 

4x3 Squats at 116 lbs

some leg stuff. I skipped RDL due to some back soreness that I didn't wanna taunt, did lunges, landmine squats, and some leg extensions instead. back didn't bug me for the rest of the day.

 

Clean things:

elliptical

9/31

 

C# things:

Thinking about how I want to measure this going forward. A class? A to-do? We'll get this figured.

 

No song today because the sick honey is sleeping.

 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

that's a fantastic looking monday you got there. squats, good food. necessary fries.

[ixaera]

On 8/14/2018 at 7:48 AM, CourtnieMarie said:

necessary fries.

 

He doesn't like to share his otherwise wasted fries and I don't understand, I feel like this is throwing away deep fried love