ixaera keeps on going~

[ixaera]

7/16

 

It Monday

 

 

 

1965 /1516 avg 

July 1: 111.2 lbs

July 15: 112.8 lbs

 

SOMEONE BAKED. I had my diner breakfast for squat recovery (eggs + carbs = perfect) and then walked into MUFFINS and COBBLER DUMP CAKE with local fresh fruits yes PLEASE anyway

 

also two bags of chips because what even is self control

 

(seriously, wtf, gotta handle my shit guys)

 

Gym things:

9/17

 

Today was squat singles at 93% which was in this case a 4x1 at 125 lbs. Nearly got stapled on the last set because I let the weight sit me down too far in the hole. It was a paused squat for sure. But I made it up without my ENTIRE life flashing before my eyes. Just maybe up to pre-K or so.

 

Then some light RDLs (my back started out complaining but didn't get any worse or bark during squats despite the struggle), some lunges, some machine stuff. Gotta grow the gams.

 

Clean things:

elliptical while reading A Discovery of Witches today. Tomorrow I may count work volunteering because I won't have time or energy to do jack or shit

12/28

 

Relax:

Hmm. No. Not really today.

 

here's a popular song that I enjoy

Spoiler

 

 

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I got some ribbing about it today, well deserved. I wasn't black out crazy or anything, and I did not flex or sing and anyone (or try to lift anybody) so that's a sign I had plenty of faculty left.  lol 

 

Always leave some clearance between you and rock bottom!

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I am glad I am not the SOB that has to be drunk just to show up, for sure. That guy sounds miserable and like perhaps he should do some re-evaluating of his life choices up to this point no??

 

Let's put it this way, I out and called him a nihilist one day. Not one soul, not even the man himself, took issue with that.  I don't think he wants to do better. That might mean admitting that just because 99% of the people in the universe are worthless dumbasses doesn't excuse him from doing something about his own shit.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

PRETTY GOOD REALLY

considering I'm still wrestling with some things I think my dumbness is starting to back off 

 

maybe the stress eating will stop soon too???

 

May we all banish our dumbness to the shadow realm. 

 

If there's not much stress, why is there stress eating??

[CourtnieMarie]

how do you feel after the baked goods and chips yesterday? i bet they just fed your earlier squats and RDLs!

 

also discovery of witches! i was meh/okay about the first book but really got into it in the second.

[ixaera]

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

If there's not much stress, why is there stress eating??

 

I feel better, but there's still stress, many stresses, lots of stresses. Some of which I'm not really posting here because too public a forum and such (though I know, how do you get more personal than overdoing at a work happy hour? well I can)

 

10 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

how do you feel after the baked goods and chips yesterday? i bet they just fed your earlier squats and RDLs!

 

I'm either not particularly in tune with my body or it deals with bad foods mostly okay!

 

It took me a while to give up on lenny and larry's...it's a buttsplosion every time so nope I'm done with those I guess So tragic

 

(speaking of personal)

 

10 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

also discovery of witches! i was meh/okay about the first book but really got into it in the second.

 

For the first 5 pages I was sure I wouldn't like it

 

Into it now lol

[CourtnieMarie]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I'm either not particularly in tune with my body or it deals with bad foods mostly okay!

 

It took me a while to give up on lenny and larry's...it's a buttsplosion every time so nope I'm done with those I guess So tragic

 

(speaking of personal)

LOL some of those protein supps can do that. i've also only found one that was really bad for me. otherwise my body is like go for it!

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

 

For the first 5 pages I was sure I wouldn't like it

 

Into it now lol

SAME

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I feel better, but there's still stress, many stresses, lots of stresses. Some of which I'm not really posting here because too public a forum and such (though I know, how do you get more personal than overdoing at a work happy hour? well I can)

 

That's okay, listen to your gut if you feel like not posting something.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I'm either not particularly in tune with my body or it deals with bad foods mostly okay!

 

It took me a while to give up on lenny and larry's...it's a buttsplosion every time so nope I'm done with those I guess So tragic

 

(speaking of personal)

 

You're definitely not alone there, why is it that these things decide to become apparent immediately after you buy a whole lot of something?? Apropos of nothing, anybody want a box of Lemon cookies?

[ixaera]

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

Apropos of nothing, anybody want a box of Lemon cookies?

 

[ixaera]

7/17 & 7/18

 

tid bit hectic round here

 

 

Featuring super busy work days, some longish hours, some forced extraversion, I will be sleeping a lot tonight

I'm still pretty far behind, being super overloaded right now.

 

1018, 1652 /1492 avg 

July 1: 111.2 lbs

July 15: 112.8 lbs

 

shit's all over the place. weeeeeeeeeeeeee

you know what

I'm just gonna do the thing.

the thing will happen.

and that's that.

no more candy, no more chips

be prepared

if you're not prepared, get stuff from the friggin' racetrac across the street THEY HAVE SALAD for pete's sake

 

Gym things:

10/17

 

Bench singles at 95 lbs. 4 singles, went just fine and was challenging. Followed up with a 3x10 one-arm shoulder press, 3x10 orange band assisted dips, 3x8 15 lb db curls, 3x10 12 lb incline db chest flies, 15 min walking

 

Clean things:

elliptical while reading A Discovery of Witches both days

14/28

 

Relax:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Spoiler

 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

nice bench work! does the elliptical sub as walking/back help?

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

shit's all over the place. weeeeeeeeeeeeee

you know what

I'm just gonna do the thing.

the thing will happen.

and that's that.

no more candy, no more chips

be prepared

if you're not prepared, get stuff from the friggin' racetrac across the street THEY HAVE SALAD for pete's sake

 

 

You can do the thing. You are also working hard at work and the gym, so lots of good food is worth preparing.

[ixaera]

12 hours ago, CourtnieMarie said:

nice bench work! does the elliptical sub as walking/back help?

 

nope it doesn't mess with it but by itself it's just very neutral. couldn't say what the difference is, I tried it for a while alone and the results were very subpar comparatively

 

7/19

 

I feel like I kinda got some stuff done today! A work day that seemed to almost pay off! Like I made a small dent in the heaping piles of tickets that are threatening to crush me at any moment!

 

 

1568 /1497 avg 

July 1: 111.2 lbs

July 15: 112.8 lbs

 

Did better today despite the higher number. Breakfast went sideways with a sausage biscuit and a chocolate cheese danish (I KNOW WHAT A GENIUS IDEA) but lunch was a tasteful selection from the free stuff and I brought spinach, chicken, feta, and some yogurt-based low cal ranch for dinner. Not one snack, not one candy or chip.

 

Gym things:

10/17

 

N/A today

 

Clean things:

elliptical while reading A Discovery of Witches again

15/28

 

Relax:

ehhh not really but I wasn't teetering on the knife edge of anxiety either

 

Spoiler

 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

[Urgan]

12 hours ago, ixaera said:

Did better today despite the higher number. Breakfast went sideways with a sausage biscuit and a chocolate cheese danish (I KNOW WHAT A GENIUS IDEA) but lunch was a tasteful selection from the free stuff and I brought spinach, chicken, feta, and some yogurt-based low cal ranch for dinner. Not one snack, not one candy or chip.

 

One last hurrah, perhaps?

[ixaera]

7/20-23

 

Soooo might have just up and taken 2 days off from doing The Thing oops

 

 

Yeah, I could do better

 

1268 /1592avg 

July 1: 111.2 lbs

July 15: 112.8 lbs

 

Back on the wagon(ish) today, but lemme tell you... friday i ate all the homemade lemon pound cake. So much of it. Then I drank 

Saturday I had 2 mai tai's and a lot of brownies. 

I did not log very well so I just threw 2500 into my log

 

TODAY I had my diner breakfast (toast, eggs, fruit), and I made homemade cookies as a thanks for the lemon cake plus all the other random stuff my coworkers bake or buy, but I had 2 and stopped. Lunch was half a wrap, and I had chicken and spinach with feta and light ranch, and a snack of carrots & celery with more light ranch. so I got my veggies in. We're gonna try to keep truckin' because hoo boy is the weight crawling up and the pants getting tight.

 

Gym things:

12/17

 

Sunday I had a crap session with OHP. I was doing a 4x1 at 60 lbs and it felt pretty garbagey. Accessories included close grip bench, t-bar row, and a really sad pathetic shoulder finisher that felt like poop. I followed it all up with chipotle because I blamed it on the mai tais and brownies and figured real protein and veggies were called for.

 

Today begins PR week. My back was a bit complainy yesterday so instead of trying 145, I tried 140. My depth was not great, but we got almost there and I'll have to work on that fear. I think last week's sitting down too far and fighting for my squat got me a little scared with the heavier weights today. But 140 happened. I can do plates again! My strength is just about where it was pre-injury, a bit less but only JUST. So we're moving, folks. Carefully. Slowly. No accessories for PR week so I just did some back magic walking.

 

Clean things:

Friday no, Saturday & Sunday I cleaned enough, today I elliptical while reading A Discovery of Witches again (this is a surprisingly long book)

18/28

 

Relax:

Oh. I didn't even really think about it. I had a lot pile up, because we get a lot of tickets and then i guess to make the numbers look better / clients see that people looked they have ALL of us clear out the new ones with some kind of update and escalation, but I'm LITERALLY the person these get escalated to so I just ended up with a huge pile of more work, this model is not working and I'm thinking one where they spend a few releases focusing bugs would work better than this

 

sometimes it's hard to find the song I'm looking for but this'll do

Spoiler

 

 

[CourtnieMarie]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

7/20-23

 

Soooo might have just up and taken 2 days off from doing The Thing oops

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

Relax:

Oh. I didn't even really think about it. I had a lot pile up, because we get a lot of tickets and then i guess to make the numbers look better / clients see that people looked they have ALL of us clear out the new ones with some kind of update and escalation, but I'm LITERALLY the person these get escalated to so I just ended up with a huge pile of more work, this model is not working and I'm thinking one where they spend a few releases focusing bugs would work better than this

 

i feel like these two comments may be related.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

TODAY I had my diner breakfast (toast, eggs, fruit), and I made homemade cookies as a thanks for the lemon cake plus all the other random stuff my coworkers bake or buy, but I had 2 and stopped. Lunch was half a wrap, and I had chicken and spinach with feta and light ranch, and a snack of carrots & celery with more light ranch. so I got my veggies in.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I followed it all up with chipotle because I blamed it on the mai tais and brownies and figured real protein and veggies were called for.

good job with food yesterday!

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

Today begins PR week. My back was a bit complainy yesterday so instead of trying 145, I tried 140. My depth was not great, but we got almost there and I'll have to work on that fear. I think last week's sitting down too far and fighting for my squat got me a little scared with the heavier weights today. But 140 happened. I can do plates again! My strength is just about where it was pre-injury, a bit less but only JUST. So we're moving, folks. Carefully. Slowly. No accessories for PR week so I just did some back magic walking.

 

Clean things:

Friday no, Saturday & Sunday I cleaned enough, today I elliptical while reading A Discovery of Witches again (this is a surprisingly long book)

18/28

i think playing it safe is always a great choice. especially with a former injury like yours. also, those books are SO LONG and i think they just get longer.

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

Sunday I had a crap session with OHP. I was doing a 4x1 at 60 lbs and it felt pretty garbagey. Accessories included close grip bench, t-bar row, and a really sad pathetic shoulder finisher that felt like poop. I followed it all up with chipotle because I blamed it on the mai tais and brownies and figured real protein and veggies were called for.

 

But you did it and that is what counts. Next time will be less garbage. Also, FIFY.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

Today begins PR week. My back was a bit complainy yesterday so instead of trying 145, I tried 140. My depth was not great, but we got almost there and I'll have to work on that fear. I think last week's sitting down too far and fighting for my squat got me a little scared with the heavier weights today. But 140 happened. I can do plates again! My strength is just about where it was pre-injury, a bit less but only JUST. So we're moving, folks. Carefully. Slowly. No accessories for PR week so I just did some back magic walking.

 

All kinds of good choices were made here. 140 is your new baseline for singles. Cool. I wouldn't expect max effort from your back then flail around with a bunch of bro stuff, either. 

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

Relax:

Oh. I didn't even really think about it. I had a lot pile up, because we get a lot of tickets and then i guess to make the numbers look better / clients see that people looked they have ALL of us clear out the new ones with some kind of update and escalation, but I'm LITERALLY the person these get escalated to so I just ended up with a huge pile of more work, this model is not working and I'm thinking one where they spend a few releases focusing bugs would work better than this

 

Ah, the good old "shovel that shit over the fence = success!" method. Best workflow. A++. 

[ixaera]

On 7/24/2018 at 8:43 AM, Urgan said:

Ah, the good old "shovel that shit over the fence = success!" method. Best workflow. A++. 

 

And then there's my second favorite, "I know you're working on a dire issue that affects hundreds of people and could result in monetary loss, but here's a ticket no one's touched for 3 months that's causing someone a minor inconvenience please look at it today"

 

 

Anyway

 

I'm still here and alive and keeping track of things but too tired at night to actually update. I will soon, probably when I'm stuck bored in a hospital room overnight with mom (assuming they let me stay??)

 

Meanwhile

Spoiler

 

 

[ixaera]

I have decided to take a bit of a zero week.

 

Mom's okay, has 3 new stents and is sleeping. I am not in a hospital with her since she was released earlier today. Phew.

 

Lifting-wise, I missed both my 105 lb bench and my 155 lb deadlift. So. Yeah.

 

I might go back to some more traditional programming, not sure yet. 

[Urgan]

On 7/25/2018 at 9:17 PM, ixaera said:

I'm still here and alive and keeping track of things but too tired at night to actually update. I will soon, probably when I'm stuck bored in a hospital room overnight with mom (assuming they let me stay??)

 

Okay how the flip did I miss this?

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I have decided to take a bit of a zero week.

 

Mom's okay, has 3 new stents and is sleeping. I am not in a hospital with her since she was released earlier today. Phew.

 

Lifting-wise, I missed both my 105 lb bench and my 155 lb deadlift. So. Yeah.

 

I might go back to some more traditional programming, not sure yet. 

 

You freaking too?? This is not a good trend for us to start, girlfriend. I'm glad she's alright at least, tho what a fire drill heart surgery is for everybody. I wouldn't make a decision about your lifting program directly after an emergency like that, acute stress of medical issue + long standby time in hospital is gonna nerf your performance for a little while. Definitely in favor of waiting until you feel a little more normal to make that call, either way.

[shaar]

Zoinks dude, that's a heckin' LOT.  Take care of yourself, we will await your glorious return. <3

[CourtnieMarie]

4 hours ago, Urgan said:

I wouldn't make a decision about your lifting program directly after an emergency like that, acute stress of medical issue + long standby time in hospital is gonna nerf your performance for a little while. Definitely in favor of waiting until you feel a little more normal to make that call, either way.

fully agree here

 

give yourself some love from us <3

[ixaera]

On 7/27/2018 at 8:37 AM, Urgan said:

 

Okay how the flip did I miss this?

 

 

You freaking too?? This is not a good trend for us to start, girlfriend. I'm glad she's alright at least, tho what a fire drill heart surgery is for everybody. I wouldn't make a decision about your lifting program directly after an emergency like that, acute stress of medical issue + long standby time in hospital is gonna nerf your performance for a little while. Definitely in favor of waiting until you feel a little more normal to make that call, either way.

 

Mom's always had BP problems, but not long ago they figured out she has some pretty nasty vascular disease. She's doing okay now. Tired, but she was in a good spot when I saw her yesterday, and the negative side of her personality didn't make the faintest appearance. A good day for her. She described the procedure, which took two hours, and it did not sound pleasant.

 

Considering her aunt (a horrible person I haven't spoken to in 10 years) died on Friday, she was really really doing very well. She was much closer to her than I was, though her flaws were on display for the whole world to see. I won't speak ill of the dead, but suffice it to say that if I do attend her services, it would JUST be for Mom's sake.

 

On 7/27/2018 at 9:39 AM, shaar said:

Zoinks dude, that's a heckin' LOT.  Take care of yourself, we will await your glorious return. <3

 

I have done a heckin relax this weekend!

 

On 7/27/2018 at 1:29 PM, CourtnieMarie said:

fully agree here

 

give yourself some love from us <3

 

It involved some (but not excessive) drinking, video games, reading, sleeping in you betcha by golly

 

I also missed my attempt at a 65 lb overhead press, but I'll tell you, 65 lbs has never felt lighter on that attempt (I believe I've tried it before, in the days of pre-injury, and failed pretty spectacularly). I judge my OHP the strongest it's ever been, and my overall strength as equal or close to equal of pre-injury strength. 

 

This cycle I am only changing one thing: and that is adding in the half lb plates and rounding to 1 lb instead of 5. We'll see where this goes and if I hit PRs next time I try (I might cycle a couple times before trying again though). I also went ahead and put 150 as my 1RM on deadlift, because I really feel like I was DAMN close to getting 155 off the ground and 150 might've made it. 145 really felt clean and nearly easy.

 

I have gained 2 lbs instead of losing anything, also. 

 

 

 

So I have FUN news though actually! My life isn't just death and plastic veins and failure!

Remember how I got a promotion and a really large raise like 1-2 months ago or something recent??

 

WELL

well!

Annual raises went around and I of course assumed I would be not included because of said promotion

I was not excluded nope

and I got ANOTHER hefty raise

this is on top of 3 referral bonuses (which I should see after 90 days I think?) that aren't small also

 

 

(I literally might need a financial adviser though because my experience has ranged from scraping my last 3 pennies to get a minimum payment to a credit card and eating saltines, dismally small savings that required significant effort to save, to mostly now where I'm like ????? there's extra of this stuff and I want to not have to work when I'm super old so I gotta make sure I do that right--plus other stuff I intend to do like travel and charity and all the stuff I care about)

 

Spoiler

 

 

[Urgan]

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

Mom's always had BP problems, but not long ago they figured out she has some pretty nasty vascular disease. She's doing okay now. Tired, but she was in a good spot when I saw her yesterday, and the negative side of her personality didn't make the faintest appearance. A good day for her. She described the procedure, which took two hours, and it did not sound pleasant.

 

Considering her aunt (a horrible person I haven't spoken to in 10 years) died on Friday, she was really really doing very well. She was much closer to her than I was, though her flaws were on display for the whole world to see. I won't speak ill of the dead, but suffice it to say that if I do attend her services, it would JUST be for Mom's sake.

 

All these feels. I think we all have a stable of relatives who if they just so happened to kick the bucket, we wouldn't be sad about it at all except for the other people it affects.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I also missed my attempt at a 65 lb overhead press, but I'll tell you, 65 lbs has never felt lighter on that attempt (I believe I've tried it before, in the days of pre-injury, and failed pretty spectacularly). I judge my OHP the strongest it's ever been, and my overall strength as equal or close to equal of pre-injury strength. 

 

This cycle I am only changing one thing: and that is adding in the half lb plates and rounding to 1 lb instead of 5. We'll see where this goes and if I hit PRs next time I try (I might cycle a couple times before trying again though). I also went ahead and put 150 as my 1RM on deadlift, because I really feel like I was DAMN close to getting 155 off the ground and 150 might've made it. 145 really felt clean and nearly easy.

 

65lbs was a hard one for me to get past, as much because of psychological reasons as my program wasn't doing it for me anymore around that point. I think bringing the rounding down and allowing for microloading is always a good idea for upper body.

 

11 hours ago, ixaera said:

I have gained 2 lbs instead of losing anything, also. 

 

 

Say it with me now....

[ixaera]

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

65lbs was a hard one for me to get past, as much because of psychological reasons as my program wasn't doing it for me anymore around that point. I think bringing the rounding down and allowing for microloading is always a good idea for upper body.

 

I do think it was going well and the 5 lb jumps were just too silly. I had a near hope of getting the weight high enough to get under it, just not ~quite~ there. We'll see where the next 6 weeks carries it!

 

I did a 3x5 squat at 107 lbs today, so the micros are in. I was like whoa this gonna be easy but it wasn't so much, so I guess the program knows some stuff. I did it unbelted, cuz why not, too. Accessories included DB RDLs, landmine squats, and a machine circuit, more or less per usual. I have traded lunges for landmines for funsies.

 

Trying to schedule out the remainder of the week since Friday is not open.

 

And wow trying to get a refill to cover the gap in my bc pills was a heckin crazy ride. I'd already had an extension of sorts b/c my doc had some vacation come in and reschedule the June appointment, and she's busy so it wound up on this Friday. well, they only refilled me 2 months, and I wound up needing another pack because 2x 28 is not 2x30/31 it turns out (math is hard I guess, guys) and first the pharmacy rejected it because the doc rejected it, then I called the doc and explained that hey 3 days will actually eff me up pretty hard, I don't mean cuz babies but because even being 12 hours late with ONE pill tends to give me a 2 week period of doom so 3 days doesn't sound fun at all. 

 

Then I get a call from the pharmacy that my insurance won't cover it. Eh??? so i call back and somehow they've tried to fill it twice now.

 

wat

 

Well whatever, I finally got it, after some wasted time.

 

also, folks, I just wanna say that as stressful as it can be, I really love my job and I found a place I feel like I can really do work and have it kinda matter and I get to learn things and help. yay

 

August goals going up soon, but they'll be more or less the same~

 

This spoiler is not a song (in case you were in the habit of skipping my spoilers for songs). Sorry for the stream of consciousness.

Spoiler

So, the personal stuff I've been avoiding I mostly have figured out I think. I've been somewhat unhappy with Mr Ix, maybe unfairly so, I'm not sure. We're talking about a really great guy who loves me to frickin' pieces and would probably walk in front of a few buses for me, maybe one of those bullet trains even. We've been together quite a long time, about to get to 9 years from the "official" dating anniversary, and you know, I mean, I know marriage matters to him but it's like he doesn't quite know it or something. He's made these comments over the years about how "well that's something married people do" and well okay but he'd never talked about US doing that and one day not too long ago I had kind of a big boom and broke down about it and he was like well I know it's important to you but I don't care if we do and I'd been planning to but there's all this debt

and well, I mean, that's understandable but he already knows I don't give a crap about an expensive ring and he knows I do not want a special big ceremony (I hate being the center of attention) and you can do all this for maybe $150, less with NO ring and he's saying actually HE cares about the ring and I'm like why it's on my damn finger. plus he regularly takes me to nice dinners and stuff, any one of which could be a whatever ring and a marriage license j/s

 

so it feels like an excuse

 

I have recently told him that if I feel like he was pressured in any way at all I'll outright say no anyway, so 

 

and now as a result every little thing that ever bugged me is bugging me 50x harder. like how ON OCCASION he will be weirdly super condescending. Last night we had a fancy dinner and I ate halibut on top of some roasted veggies, and there were two big scallops too. I ate a roasted tato out from under the halibut and was all "that a good potato" as you do when you eat a potato that's good and he looks at my plate, he looks at me, and he says with a touch of how-damaged-are-you in his voice "oh sweetie, those are scallops" PLEASE NOTE THEY DID NOT HAVE A BITE OUT OF THEM and yes I told him the proper response was probably "I don't see any potatoes though" as they were hidden under my halibut

 

Anyway, stuff like that that's just annoying feels way bigger than it used to and it's making me sad and honestly probably has a lot more to do with my hives and stuff than work does

 

< insert comic relief here >

 

[CourtnieMarie]

10 hours ago, ixaera said:

I did a 3x5 squat at 107 lbs today, so the micros are in. I was like whoa this gonna be easy but it wasn't so much, so I guess the program knows some stuff. I did it unbelted, cuz why not, too. Accessories included DB RDLs, landmine squats, and a machine circuit, more or less per usual. I have traded lunges for landmines for funsies.

had to look up landmine squats - looks fun!

 

10 hours ago, ixaera said:

also, folks, I just wanna say that as stressful as it can be, I really love my job and I found a place I feel like I can really do work and have it kinda matter and I get to learn things and help. yay

this is AWESOME. 

 

10 hours ago, ixaera said:

  Reveal hidden contents

So, the personal stuff I've been avoiding I mostly have figured out I think. I've been somewhat unhappy with Mr Ix, maybe unfairly so, I'm not sure. We're talking about a really great guy who loves me to frickin' pieces and would probably walk in front of a few buses for me, maybe one of those bullet trains even. We've been together quite a long time, about to get to 9 years from the "official" dating anniversary, and you know, I mean, I know marriage matters to him but it's like he doesn't quite know it or something. He's made these comments over the years about how "well that's something married people do" and well okay but he'd never talked about US doing that and one day not too long ago I had kind of a big boom and broke down about it and he was like well I know it's important to you but I don't care if we do and I'd been planning to but there's all this debt

and well, I mean, that's understandable but he already knows I don't give a crap about an expensive ring and he knows I do not want a special big ceremony (I hate being the center of attention) and you can do all this for maybe $150, less with NO ring and he's saying actually HE cares about the ring and I'm like why it's on my damn finger. plus he regularly takes me to nice dinners and stuff, any one of which could be a whatever ring and a marriage license j/s

 

so it feels like an excuse

 

I have recently told him that if I feel like he was pressured in any way at all I'll outright say no anyway, so 

 

and now as a result every little thing that ever bugged me is bugging me 50x harder. like how ON OCCASION he will be weirdly super condescending. Last night we had a fancy dinner and I ate halibut on top of some roasted veggies, and there were two big scallops too. I ate a roasted tato out from under the halibut and was all "that a good potato" as you do when you eat a potato that's good and he looks at my plate, he looks at me, and he says with a touch of how-damaged-are-you in his voice "oh sweetie, those are scallops" PLEASE NOTE THEY DID NOT HAVE A BITE OUT OF THEM and yes I told him the proper response was probably "I don't see any potatoes though" as they were hidden under my halibut

 

Anyway, stuff like that that's just annoying feels way bigger than it used to and it's making me sad and honestly probably has a lot more to do with my hives and stuff than work does

 

< insert comic relief here >

 

Spoiler

the whole wedding thing sounds like it's more to do with external pressure on him to do traditional things (diamond, reception, etc.). if you were raised in that mindset, that's a whole lot of life lessons to unlearn and realize that it's okay to NOT doing it a certain way. so it might be worth exposing him to stories or articles where a wedding/marriage doesn't have to be this big thing he's always been led to believe. from personal experience, i've learned a lot about non-traditional weddings over at offbeatbride.

 

re: those extra irksome moments. I EFFING KNOW WHAT A SCALLOP TASTES TYVM. *ahem* i don't know what to say here except that I get like this too. sometimes it falls around the sharks, sometimes it's because something else is bothering me that i don't even know what it is until i've yelled a few times. i feel like the most important thing though is to keep communicating when those condescending moments happen and how they bother you. there's no good reason for someone who loves you to keep making you feel stupid if you've communicated such instances.