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Sylvaa [Clarity]


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I've a confession to make to start this challenge: I'm not in a good head space right now. I was debating even doing this challenge, but I think going off the grid is probably not the best idea.

 

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Deep stuff enclosed in spoiler.

Spoiler

I've alluded a bit to the relationship that led to my children, more with some people than others. 

 

The fact of the matter is that my ex was abusive. More so mental than physical, but overall very unhealthy. It shattered me. I ended up at 20, alone in a big city, with two kids to take care of and no idea of who I was. 

 

Recently, I had to encounter my ex. I had to get him to sign off on some paperwork for my daughter's passport. He's still got parental rights (although he doesn't care to use them), so he had to sign his agreement for her to get one. Just being around him brought back memories of helplessness and weakness. But worse than that, I realized he still had the ability to hurt me - by hurting the kids. He didn't know his daughter's birthday

 

Needless to say, the kids decided to cut him out of their lives completely after the hour or so they spent with him. And I think this was the last thing I will ever need to contact him about. But it definitely ripped open old wounds. 

 

After all this - I've started back on the path of my dreaded nemesis - a mixture of OCD inspired, anxiety fueled habits (I bite and pick at my cuticles until they bleed AND I pluck out hair). So while I am still working on other things, the only actual goal of this challenge is to stop. 

 

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One thing I have stayed consistent with the most is running. My goal is to finish my current C25K run through by the end of the challenge. This week will be Week 5, so I've got an extra week of wiggle room just in case, but I don't plan on using it. 

 

I'm also going to focus on school more these next few challenges. My goal is to get through the rest of my classes in short order, then decide whether I'm going to take an extra semester for my FINAL PROJECT (which I might do for money reasons). 

 

Finally, I'm currently supporting two work engagements. So I'm bringing back the just 3 work goals. Only this time, it's for two projects (not just one). 

 

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There are no tracking / weighing / measuring goals this time around. I know me and when my head space isn't healthy, neither is my body. 

 

Peace, love, and understanding my friends.

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I've noticed how many threads you're in top of and how quickly your respond/like stuff,  and you're often the first to do so on mine. 

 

You've got plenty of room for slack in the thread following. 

 

And if you're not in here much I might be able to keep up with yours. 

 

Do what you gotta do and clear your head. 

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So much love. <3

 

15 hours ago, Aces3000 said:

Following along! I have had periods when I have not been on the NF forums much. Each time I find it harder to get back. I think it's good you decided to stick around!

 

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following along. I won't pretend to understand what you're going through. I do know how to listen, and I'm here for you, via PM or FB.

 

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

Here for you if you need it.

 

I find it easier to stay involved because this is kind of my sole support. I'm not really an open person and I'm fairly isolated in that I don't have any local friends and I'm not one for opening up. I'm sure psychologically this makes perfect sense and some therapist would have a heyday with it, and while I appreciate the sentiments - it won't happen. 

 

I did get to talk to an internet friend of mine last night which was really good. We have known each other for like 15 years now and he was around for the whole relationship implosion (we were guildies on WoW). So it was nice to be able to vent without having to explain anything. 

 

14 hours ago, Curl Brogo said:

I've noticed how many threads you're in top of and how quickly your respond/like stuff,  and you're often the first to do so on mine. 

 

This has more to do with me slacking at work than being on top of things on the forums. Your thread has been one of my favorites since the alarm clock incidents of 2016. 

 

Yesterday, I did the minimum necessary to have a successful day. Travel days are always weird for me and since the office I work out of was closed, it was even more weird (I went straight to the hotel, but my room wasn't ready, so I was a nomad for a few hours waiting for my room to be ready). As such, I ended up eating only one meal yesterday. 

 

Also, work rant: my IT department sucks. They sent out an e-mail about an audit of the products I use. However they only listed one out of the 5 products I use on the list. So I lost access to everything that I use on a daily basis. The day before a tracking meeting was to occur. Luckily, I think I have pretty much everything already taken care of, but come on. I have been on the same project for 2.5 years and have lost access at least three times because the IT process is not designed to deal with long-term projects. 

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Wait was your office closed for Patriots' Day? I don't think I've ever seen that happen. o.o

 

19 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

I find it easier to stay involved because this is kind of my sole support. I'm not really an open person and I'm fairly isolated in that I don't have any local friends and I'm not one for opening up. I'm sure psychologically this makes perfect sense and some therapist would have a heyday with it, and while I appreciate the sentiments - it won't happen. 

Oh hi I think you just described me. Totally get it. 

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Just now, fleaball said:

Wait was your office closed for Patriots' Day? I don't think I've ever seen that happen. o.o

 

Oh hi I think you just described me. Totally get it. 

 

They totally close down. I'm not sure why either - it's not like we are close enough to the city to really be impacted. But then they don't close for MLK, so one or the other? 

 

I knew you would understand. 

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2 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

They totally close down. I'm not sure why either - it's not like we are close enough to the city to really be impacted. But then they don't close for MLK, so one or the other? 

 

I knew you would understand. 

That's bizarre. Even my bank was open, except the Lexington branch because the city went all out doing stuff. 

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Happy to see you wanting to stay connected despite the burnout... I know I get a tad shut-in when the bad stuff comes up, even when what I need the most is support from good people. Hopefully we'll be useful to you in that regard!

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1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

Following! I'm here to support you and cheer you on. Because you're awesome and you can do anything. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now. My friend has trichotilliomania and it sucks

 

Luckily (is there a luckily?) it's not from my scalp. I've actually gotten better; once when I was younger, I didn't need to shave my legs for like three months because I just kept pulling. The internet makes me laugh when it states that it is related to kleptomania or pyromania (thanks Mental Health in America)!

 

3 minutes ago, RedStone said:

Happy to see you wanting to stay connected despite the burnout... I know I get a tad shut-in when the bad stuff comes up, even when what I need the most is support from good people. Hopefully we'll be useful to you in that regard!

 

I'm generally an introvert anyway. Like, even when I go out, I'm more likely to be on the outskirts listening than being part of a conversation. But recently, I've been feeling like I've got impostor syndrome going on. So I'm definitely dedicating this challenge to not being perfect and letting it be known that I'm not perfect. 

 

Update: Yesterday was not a good mental health day. I woke up feeling fat and ugly and that feeling didn't go away. I got my work done, went back to the hotel, and struggled to not just lay in bed reading. I got my run in - on the treadmill to keep on a pace - and felt like I was going to die. Then, something I ate decided to turn my stomach against me and I thought I was going to die for a second time. The best thing about yesterday is that I didn't actually die either time I thought I was going to.

 

Now, let's be honest. Usually someone is going to be like, "but you exercised - even when you didn't feel like it!" (if you'd like to get technical, usually this person in other threads is me). The thing is, I was hoping the exercise would help the mood. You know, obviously I can't be that fat and out of shape if I can run (week 5 day 1 of C25K). The correct answer is actually - nope, you can still totally feel that way. 

 

Today I am wearing one of my favorite shirts and I have already had a successful meeting. It's only moderately helping. Also, I'm cold. 

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2 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Now, let's be honest. Usually someone is going to be like, "but you exercised - even when you didn't feel like it!" (if you'd like to get technical, usually this person in other threads is me). The thing is, I was hoping the exercise would help the mood. You know, obviously I can't be that fat and out of shape if I can run (week 5 day 1 of C25K). The correct answer is actually - nope, you can still totally feel that way. 

Shitty feels are shitty. If Logic could knock them down they'd never be a problem. U R AWSUM.

Here are some gifs. 

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Image result for boxer gif

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I'm glad you're not dead. Hit up the Lush at the Burlington Mall and get one of the obnoxious glittery bath bombs? Or seven.  Not because it's girly and pretty but for the utter ridiculous factor. 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling that way and I wish I had magic solutions to make it better. Although I do have it on good authority that brains are dirty liars and you are in fact pretty damn awesome.

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10 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm glad you're not dead. Hit up the Lush at the Burlington Mall and get one of the obnoxious glittery bath bombs? Or seven.  Not because it's girly and pretty but for the utter ridiculous factor. 

 

 

This is a GREAT idea because if you're at a hotel, you don't have to worry about the glitter residue in the bathtub. 

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11 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm glad you're not dead. Hit up the Lush at the Burlington Mall and get one of the obnoxious glittery bath bombs? Or seven.  Not because it's girly and pretty but for the utter ridiculous factor. 

 

One of these days I will walk into a Lush because people I know keep talking about it. The utter ridiculousness factor would be the reason I would buy something. Side note: I keep thinking maybe I should start wearing make-up? Like, maybe it'll help with those "ugly days", but then I think of all the work it would be.... 

 

1 minute ago, NeverThatBored said:

This is a GREAT idea because if you're at a hotel, you don't have to worry about the glitter residue in the bathtub. 

 

Unfortunately, the hotel I stay in only has stand up showers. But note: while I did say unfortunately, the idea of bathing in a hotel bathtub completely grosses me out. 

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2 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Side note: I keep thinking maybe I should start wearing make-up? Like, maybe it'll help with those "ugly days", but then I think of all the work it would be.... 

 

Right?? I always hear that thing about how women who wear "natural" makeup get more promotions or whatnot and then think I should really learn basic makeup. But it's so much work! 

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