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fleaball

Fleaball: Slightly Alive

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Uggggh I want to ask my roommate to come to graduation and take pictures if my parents can't make it and instead I keep telling myself I have no right to ask because that's such a huge inconvenience. Which, a.) what the fuck and b.) she's the only one who can decide whether I'm inconveniencing her.

 

Really looking forward to the day I start thinking it's okay to ask people for things instead of assuming I have no value and have to minimize the space I take up in people's lives. 

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3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Really looking forward to the day I start thinking it's okay to ask people for things instead of assuming I have no value and have to minimize the space I take up in people's lives. 

Then start affirming the opposite. Write in that journal "It's okay to ask people for things. I have value. I take up appropriate space in people's lives."

 

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37 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Then start affirming the opposite. Write in that journal "It's okay to ask people for things. I have value. I take up appropriate space in people's lives."

 

Too much too soon right now, unfortunately. 

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Just now, fleaball said:

Too much too soon right now, unfortunately. 

 

Didn't your roommate already offer to take pictures and all that anyway (like in another challenge thread)? 

 

Why not start with, "when people offer to help me, they mean it"?

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4 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Didn't your roommate already offer to take pictures and all that anyway (like in another challenge thread)? 

 

Why not start with, "when people offer to help me, they mean it"?

That was when we took pictures at home when I chased down regalia in January. She hasn't asked about graduation or mentioned it at all. 

 

Honestly still not something I can handle right now. I'll share what you guys are saying with my therapist but it's such a huge stupid fucking issue and I don't have the energy or mental space to put toward it right now. 

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Just now, fleaball said:

That was when we took pictures at home when I chased down regalia in January. She hasn't asked about graduation or mentioned it at all. 

 

My bad! I guess I just assumed she would. Here's my cat tax:

 

cat-jumps-into-bean-bag.gif

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11 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

My bad! I guess I just assumed she would. Here's my cat tax:

 

cat-jumps-into-bean-bag.gif

It's a logical assumption. 

 

She's also hard to read/anticipate. Like, my graduation may not be on her radar at all. But I would also not be surprised if she were to text me a few days before and ask for the details because she'd planned on coming all along. (I mean, I would be surprised because I don't expect people to do things like that for me. But it wouldn't be surprising behavior for her.)

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I kinda feel bad. At least two of the theee girls in my group were freaking out about this stupid role play thing and legit trying to prepare, and I'm just like "¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wake me up when it's my turn." We only get like 2-3 minutes each because 20+ people have to go tonight. I'm gonna fall asleep. It's 20% of our grade and I should really care but... nah.

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3 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm not suggesting you actually do anything, just start writing the statements. Actually asking the roommate to do stuff was never part of my suggestion.

Oh yeah. I didn't think that's what you were suggesting. My concern is that trying to write those and challenging such a deep-seated issue is just going to take too much effort. Like honestly, just reading those statements and thinking about them applying to me has me on the verge of tears. I totally understand the point of doing it and I see the value in it, I just think it's not a thing I can start immediately with the rest of the crap that's going on right now. 

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3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Oh yeah. I didn't think that's what you were suggesting. My concern is that trying to write those and challenging such a deep-seated issue is just going to take too much effort. Like honestly, just reading those statements and thinking about them applying to me has me on the verge of tears. I totally understand the point of doing it and I see the value in it, I just think it's not a thing I can start immediately with the rest of the crap that's going on right now. 

I don't want you to start them before you're ready, it's probably wise to get through graduation first. I won't hide the fact that I know them to be true, and to apply to you. You have value.

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6 hours ago, fleaball said:

Nooooo Adidas sent emails saying "you survived!" to people who finished the Marathon. Someone might be out of a job. 

facepalm.jpg

(This is the Boston marathon we're talking about, right? Maybe I should just check the news... but I don't like checking news...)

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Regarding the nervousness about asking people things, it made me wonder if you're familiar with the concept of Ask Culture v Guess Culture. It's outlined several places online including here but this is a useful summary:

 

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

 

I am definitely born of Ask Culture. I have several close friends (and a partner) deeply steeped in Guess Culture, and it can cause all kinds of misunderstandings and confusion if it's not explicitly adjusted for. I'm not suggesting you take any immediate action but I do think being aware of these different styles is super useful. Because some of your reluctance to ask for stuff is probably about self esteem but some of it might also have to do with what you think is polite or socially acceptable or whatever.

 

On another topic: the herb puns make me deeply happy.

 

Hope the presentation went not-badly.

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2 minutes ago, Severine said:

Regarding the nervousness about asking people things, it made me wonder if you're familiar with the concept of Ask Culture v Guess Culture. It's outlined several places online including here but this is a useful summary:

 

Thanks for this article as this is definitely a thing at my house too. My step-children are "Guessers", which drives me crazy enough as it is, but they add in a lot of passive aggressive comments (case in point: we have a grocery list on the fridge. If you run out of something, you write it on the list. If it's a normal item, we pick it up on our weekly store run. If it's something special, we pick it up at the end of the month based upon budgeting. Instead of writing what we need on the list, they will make comments such as, "I took the cereal box out to recycling" which is code for, "you need to buy more"). Now I'm ranting. Sorry - carry on.

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I'm pretty sure I can feel one of my ovaries right now and I am not pleased about it. 

 

11 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I don't want you to start them before you're ready, it's probably wise to get through graduation first. I won't hide the fact that I know them to be true, and to apply to you. You have value.

I really want to make some kind of dismissive remark here ugh. Instead I'll say thanks and move on. 

 

9 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

StarLord-2.gif

 

ilu2

 

6 hours ago, Dagger said:

facepalm.jpg

(This is the Boston marathon we're talking about, right? Maybe I should just check the news... but I don't like checking news...)

Yeah, Boston. Super fail. 

 

21 minutes ago, Severine said:

Regarding the nervousness about asking people things, it made me wonder if you're familiar with the concept of Ask Culture v Guess Culture. It's outlined several places online including here but this is a useful summary:

 

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

 

I am definitely born of Ask Culture. I have several close friends (and a partner) deeply steeped in Guess Culture, and it can cause all kinds of misunderstandings and confusion if it's not explicitly adjusted for. I'm not suggesting you take any immediate action but I do think being aware of these different styles is super useful. Because some of your reluctance to ask for stuff is probably about self esteem but some of it might also have to do with what you think is polite or socially acceptable or whatever.

 

On another topic: the herb puns make me deeply happy.

 

Hope the presentation went not-badly.

Hadnt heard of this as such, but it does relate to macro-level culture stuff I've been studying. (Eg in general people from the U.S. will say "hey can you give me a ride to the airport" whereas people from Korea will just start telling you they have an early flight and have to pack etc etc and you're supposed to recognize they need a ride. Not exactly the same, but close.) In this case it might be less a question of what's polite/socially acceptable and more just what my childhood was? My parents were never very consistent so why bother asking unless the answer was sure to be a solid yes? *adds to list of things to talk to therapist about when the world isn't ending*

 

Not-badly is a good description. It was okay. As soon as I sat down I realized I missed a key point but ehhhhh. Still not worried. 

 

12 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Thanks for this article as this is definitely a thing at my house too. My step-children are "Guessers", which drives me crazy enough as it is, but they add in a lot of passive aggressive comments (case in point: we have a grocery list on the fridge. If you run out of something, you write it on the list. If it's a normal item, we pick it up on our weekly store run. If it's something special, we pick it up at the end of the month based upon budgeting. Instead of writing what we need on the list, they will make comments such as, "I took the cereal box out to recycling" which is code for, "you need to buy more"). Now I'm ranting. Sorry - carry on.

Always feel free to rant! 

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49 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I really want to make some kind of dismissive remark here ugh. Instead I'll say thanks and move on. 

You are already learning. I'm proud of you. You're gonna make so much progress even you won't believe it.


 

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4 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are already learning. I'm proud of you. You're gonna make so much progress even you won't believe it.


 

Haha that's a thing I've been working on for a while: say thanks and stfu. I've made a lot of progress over the past year and a half with my therapist, even though it doesn't always seem like it because I still feel like a hot mess 90% of the time. I'm sort of stagnating now because since Christmas I've been more in survival mode than anything and haven't had time to actually focus on my issues, but it's still something. 

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- Put on eyeliner for the first time in a while to look less like a zombie. 

- get teary bc someone on Facebook posted a photo and RIP message for their dead relative. 

- Forget about eyeliner, rub eyes, look like a racccoon. 15 minutes before an event. Bleh.  

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Omg I'm so mad. I was told I wouldn't have to stay for this entire event and guess what? I have ten minutes to eat lunch and then go back and stand there for two more hours. Kill me. 

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20 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

Boooo. Here's an inspirational story about a cat who coauthored a physics paper to make you feel better: http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/in-1975-a-cat-coauthored-a-physics-paper?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=atlas-page

So what you're telling me is even a cat is better at academia than I am? 

 

I kid. I 100% kid. No one yell at me that was just too easy. 

 

I'm so grumpy right now. My supervisor told me and the other intern to hang around "just in case" and honestly it's just people talking. There's no reason for us to be here. It's such a waste of time. But. Thank fuck for google drive. Guess who's writing papers on her phone right now?

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