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Fleaball: Slightly Alive


fleaball

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

I'm so tempted to skip class tonight, not to get work done but just because. Except that would be such a dick move since it's the last one and he's got a guest speaker coming. But I just don't wanna. 

 

And of course since i said I'd have time for homework today I keep getting things to do. Still not stressed, just mildly annoyed that there i things I could've been working on for the past week that no one thought to give me until now. Ah, intern life. 

 

Eta: also the stuff I'm working on pisses me off on a personal level ugh

 

I love reading your posts because it's like reading the monologue in my head when having to deal with people...or myself. Or anything. You make me feel so not alone. Thank you. That is all. Well, that and this...

 

tumblr_inline_n49junAMJn1rz6n1r.gif

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1 hour ago, J3NN said:

I love reading your posts because it's like reading the monologue in my head when having to deal with people...or myself. Or anything. You make me feel so not alone. Thank you. That is all. Well, that and this...

 

tumblr_inline_n49junAMJn1rz6n1r.gif

You're welcome. :) I'm glad to hear it, because most of the time I feel like I'm just complaining way too often. I mean, I talk openly about my anxiety because I know there are people out there who need to see it talked about, but sometimes y'all probably don't need to hear so much about stupid classmates or my stupid job. 

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Today has not gone as planned. Did not get out of class early, so boo on that. Am about to work on the job application (couldn't do it in class because I was paying attention to the guest speaker and the prof, and when the last presentations were happening I was busy eating my salad), will hopefully get that in tonight. If there's a cover letter required I will cry. Did precisely zero work on the massive paper due Saturday. There's no page count but I'm aiming for at least 30 and currently have zero. Well, some notes that could turn into a few pages but nothing actually written. Will for reals be going to campus tomorrow after work to do the stats and will just have to be mindful of my free time at work to maximize what I can get done there. Wrote a page or so of the paper for tonight's class on my phone on the way home and am so tempted just to finish it and send it off, but it's not due til Tuesday so that's not an effective use of my time. 

 

On the plus side, roommate went to a career fair organized by the "work for us or pay back your scholarship" people and apparently if you start working it off, you get another 5 years. The stupid virtual internship I have will count for 1.8 of my 12 months, so instead of having to get that job by Christmas I may have til 2022? Yes please. Thank you. Still applying for the aforementioned job anyway because a.) job and b.) this has been hanging over my head for 7 years and I'd like to knock it out if I can anyway. 

 

Challenge-related: have done the mantra every day, journaled yesterday, have not meditated, did 1/3 PT things on Sunday but not since. Off to a slow start, but that's why I'm not grading anything.

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4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Behold, the very first ever FPS, Wolf 3D

(What I was referencing with wolfenstein.exe)

Image result for wolf 3d

 

My first video game? Pong. *drops mic* - On her foot, because she's old and does that kind of thing LOL.

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Oh hey, this application is really easy! All it wants is my resume and cover letter and the required questions about disability etc. Those have been at the end of every app I've ever done so this must be the entire thing!

 

*literally click submit button* It wants high school and undergrad but there's no option for grad school information, aaaaaand there's the "please enter every job you've ever had." 

 

 (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

 

 

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Okay. An hour after I thought I'd get it in, I submitted the damn thing. Generic email says "if we're interested in you, you should hear from us within 10 days." Cross your appendages, kids.

 

And now, sleep.

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2 hours ago, fleaball said:

On the plus side, roommate went to a career fair organized by the "work for us or pay back your scholarship" people and apparently if you start working it off, you get another 5 years. The stupid virtual internship I have will count for 1.8 of my 12 months, so instead of having to get that job by Christmas I may have til 2022? Yes please. Thank you. Still applying for the aforementioned job anyway because a.) job and b.) this has been hanging over my head for 7 years and I'd like to knock it out if I can anyway. 

 

This seems like a confusing scholarship? But huzzah on finding out you have breathing space.

 

Grats on getting the application in. Consider my appendages crossed.

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40 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Okay. An hour after I thought I'd get it in, I submitted the damn thing. Generic email says "if we're interested in you, you should hear from us within 10 days." Cross your appendages, kids.

 

And now, sleep.

Crossed. Off to bed. Busy day tomorrow: try not go too much crzy <-- current motto. It's not working. . .

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58 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Okay. An hour after I thought I'd get it in, I submitted the damn thing. Generic email says "if we're interested in you, you should hear from us within 10 days." Cross your appendages, kids.

Sure I will :) .

 

You remind me sooo much of me a few years ago, when I did my Bachelor degree. Prof gave me a topic with almost only Italian literature. I said to him "I had never to do ANYTHING with Italian in my entire life...?" but his logic was: I had Latin-classes shortly before and French yeaaaars back in school, so I should be able to read Italian stuff.

 

Well - I wasn't. I did make it, but it was the most stressfull time in my life. So I feel with you so much.

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I mean, I talk openly about my anxiety because I know there are people out there who need to see it talked about, but sometimes y'all probably don't need to hear so much about stupid classmates or my stupid job. 

I experience the same. People are almost always relieved when I start to talk about my anxiety. It is more common than anyone can imagine.

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9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Behold, the very first ever FPS, Wolf 3D

(What I was referencing with wolfenstein.exe)

Image result for wolf 3d

 

This I actually knew even if I haven't played it (that you referred to this). But then I've been a gamer, and I've gone to one of three years of a game design and programming bachelor and I still watch game design youtube videos. ^_______^

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Cross your appendages, kids.

They be le crossed.

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11 hours ago, fleaball said:

You're welcome. :) I'm glad to hear it, because most of the time I feel like I'm just complaining way too often. I mean, I talk openly about my anxiety because I know there are people out there who need to see it talked about, but sometimes y'all probably don't need to hear so much about stupid classmates or my stupid job. 

 

This is part of what I love about your threads. Because I need to see it talked about (related conversation with step-daughter the other day about how now apparently anxiety is making ALL THE FOODS upset her stomach). 

 

I for one love hearing about your stupid classmates and will miss them when you are done. 

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9 hours ago, Severine said:

 

This seems like a confusing scholarship? But huzzah on finding out you have breathing space.

 

Grats on getting the application in. Consider my appendages crossed.

They pay for your study abroad but one of the conditions is working in certain parts of the federal government for a year within 3 years of graduation or you pay back all the money. They make that well known. There are extensions you can apply for but I'm guessing they don't give you all the information about that because they don't want you to keep putting it off? 

 

8 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

Crossed. Off to bed. Busy day tomorrow: try not go too much crzy <-- current motto. It's not working. . .

You can do eet!

 

8 hours ago, Thura said:

Sure I will :) .

 

You remind me sooo much of me a few years ago, when I did my Bachelor degree. Prof gave me a topic with almost only Italian literature. I said to him "I had never to do ANYTHING with Italian in my entire life...?" but his logic was: I had Latin-classes shortly before and French yeaaaars back in school, so I should be able to read Italian stuff.

 

Well - I wasn't. I did make it, but it was the most stressfull time in my life. So I feel with you so much.

 

I experience the same. People are almost always relieved when I start to talk about my anxiety. It is more common than anyone can imagine.

Omg Italian and French may both be Romance languages but they're totally not interchangeable. Yikes. 

 

5 hours ago, Dagger said:

This I actually knew even if I haven't played it (that you referred to this). But then I've been a gamer, and I've gone to one of three years of a game design and programming bachelor and I still watch game design youtube videos. ^_______^

 

They be le crossed.

Tack!

 

15 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

This is part of what I love about your threads. Because I need to see it talked about (related conversation with step-daughter the other day about how now apparently anxiety is making ALL THE FOODS upset her stomach). 

 

I for one love hearing about your stupid classmates and will miss them when you are done. 

Ouch. That sounds about right though. Could be less the food itself and more anxiety just fucking with her stomach?

 

Haha well hopefully I'll get a job soon enough and will have more stories of stupid people for you. 

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Today is a dayyyy. My clothes don't quite match. Got to work 20 minutes late because traffic was horrendous. As soon as I got to my cube my phone rang because there were things I needed to do for an event this morning. Checked my mail and there's an event next week I need to be at except I def have a doctor appointment in the middle of it. (Pulmonologist again. Yay.) I'm probably going to have to walk several blocks to Staples to buy 30 3-ring binders and carry them all back later, which I'm grumpy about because you knew this was going to happen, why didn't you just order them online to be delivered here?

 

And on top of all that I have no choice but to go to the stats lab tonight and I really don't want to. I'm sure it will be super super quick which makes it all the more annoying. 

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11 hours ago, Athaclena said:

My first video game? Pong. *drops mic* - On her foot, because she's old and does that kind of thing LOL.

Not as old but my first video (PC) game was The Black Cauldron: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJExj4TCeis

 

Good times.

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37 minutes ago, fleaball said:

And on top of all that I have no choice but to go to the stats lab tonight and I really don't want to. I'm sure it will be super super quick which makes it all the more annoying. 

Ughhhh that is indeed the worst, my brain goes straight to "whyyyyyy bother going?!"

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40 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Today is a dayyyy. My clothes don't quite match. Got to work 20 minutes late because traffic was horrendous. As soon as I got to my cube my phone rang because there were things I needed to do for an event this morning. Checked my mail and there's an event next week I need to be at except I def have a doctor appointment in the middle of it. (Pulmonologist again. Yay.) I'm probably going to have to walk several blocks to Staples to buy 30 3-ring binders and carry them all back later, which I'm grumpy about because you knew this was going to happen, why didn't you just order them online to be delivered here?

 

And on top of all that I have no choice but to go to the stats lab tonight and I really don't want to. I'm sure it will be super super quick which makes it all the more annoying. 

I feel your pain :) I am one of the instructors that teaches the platform my company writes - and I constantly have to BROWBEAT the person organizing the training on the client side to get a class roster and # of manuals to get to them.  I've stopped feeling too bad about the rush fees - because I am NOT lugging 12 lab manuals with me on the plane.  THEN the poor people required to go to training have never even heard of the software half the time *sigh*....

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12 hours ago, Athaclena said:

My first video game? Pong. *drops mic* - On her foot, because she's old and does that kind of thing LOL.

YES!! Remember how it would burn into the screen so you saw the "table" lines all the time when watching tv?

 

I had to go to friends' houses to play Pong, tho. A few years later, we got an Odyssey (my parents were too cheap to spring for an Atari), so I got to play knock-off Pac Man and almost-Space Invaders.

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54 minutes ago, Bookish Badger said:

YES!! Remember how it would burn into the screen so you saw the "table" lines all the time when watching tv?

 

I had to go to friends' houses to play Pong, tho. A few years later, we got an Odyssey (my parents were too cheap to spring for an Atari), so I got to play knock-off Pac Man and almost-Space Invaders.

I never had another gaming system.  We got a PC Jr. that I tinkered with.  I had a friend with a TRS-80 and another with an Atari.  I do remember smoking the guys at Missile Command though at a Halloween Carnival and won the top prize (a teddy bear LOL).  Then I went to a STEM school that had Macs (Mac Plus to be specific).  Then in college, there was an XT lab and lots of Sun Sparc's - so I didn't really deal with Windows until I got a job working at CompUSA LOL.

I do remember going from a 2400 baud modem to 9600.  Boy was it nice to have something that could keep up with my typing.  I had a black & white laptop - DOS only - I ripped Windows off of it because it only had 1 MB of memory - and 2 was required to run actual apps and I figured 10 MB (HALF of my hard drive) was a bit much to play solitaire LOL.

 

And no - I never did punch cards.  I missed that by at least 2 years LOL.

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Anxiety is ramped up today. Maybe the traffic and the late start set me off? I'm shaky, I'm stress eating, and I can't focus. Also all kinds of unhelpful thoughts floating by today.

 

I'm gonna write in my journal and then attempt to get something done. Unless I get another bullsht task I'll have three hours to work on homework. With any luck I can blow through the stats tonight and remember how to analyze them.

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15 hours ago, fleaball said:

You're welcome. :) I'm glad to hear it, because most of the time I feel like I'm just complaining way too often. I mean, I talk openly about my anxiety because I know there are people out there who need to see it talked about, but sometimes y'all probably don't need to hear so much about stupid classmates or my stupid job. 

 

Not going to lie. I love reading your posts too. It reminds me I am not the only person still in school and that other people feel the way I do about well, people in general. Granted my internal dialog is mostly external some days since I tend to be in a room by myself talking to the equipment.

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Today is a dayyyy. My clothes don't quite match. Got to work 20 minutes late because traffic was horrendous. As soon as I got to my cube my phone rang because there were things I needed to do for an event this morning. Checked my mail and there's an event next week I need to be at except I def have a doctor appointment in the middle of it. (Pulmonologist again. Yay.) I'm probably going to have to walk several blocks to Staples to buy 30 3-ring binders and carry them all back later, which I'm grumpy about because you knew this was going to happen, why didn't you just order them online to be delivered here?

 

And on top of all that I have no choice but to go to the stats lab tonight and I really don't want to. I'm sure it will be super super quick which makes it all the more annoying. 


I completely understand the "I don't want to go there since I will most likely be done quick and it may take me longer to get there" thing and the "Lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Good luck and you will get through today and be that one step closer to being done done.

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Anxiety is ramped up today. Maybe the traffic and the late start set me off? I'm shaky, I'm stress eating, and I can't focus. Also all kinds of unhelpful thoughts floating by today.

 

I'm gonna write in my journal and then attempt to get something done.

 

Good for you, focusing on what good things you can do.  We are pulling for you.

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3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Anxiety is ramped up today. Maybe the traffic and the late start set me off? I'm shaky, I'm stress eating, and I can't focus. Also all kinds of unhelpful thoughts floating by today.

 

I'm gonna write in my journal and then attempt to get something done. Unless I get another bullsht task I'll have three hours to work on homework. With any luck I can blow through the stats tonight and remember how to analyze them.

 

Do you have time to do a 5 minute headspace session? That's what bathrooms are for IMO  >.>

 

giphy.gif

 

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Real glad I don't have class tonight. Traffic has been fucked all day and I have no idea where my bus is. 

 

I'm feeling super nervous about this statistics thing. Maybe because I'm worried everything will come out with no correlation and this will all have been for nothing? Or if not nothing, it will definitely not be what we wanted and potentially harder to hit the page count if there's nothing to discuss. I really just don't want to be doing this. Obviously I have to because I want to graduate and I have no valid reason not to get it done right now. 

 

The final version of this paper is due in 13 days. I can make it. Ugggggh.  

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