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JupiterStar

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Day Sixteen

 

Really losing motivation. I feel like I am totally without support anywhere, like no one cares if I get healthy or not, including me. I don't know. Maybe I should give up...

 

Challenge 1, aerials twice a week still 1 out of 2 so far.

 

Challenge 2, strength training three times per week right now 0 out of 3. I might still give it a try tonight but I am just so frustrated with the lack of any progress after years and years, not just since joining this site, it's hard to tell myself to get with it. ETA: Managed this today after all, so 1 out of 3 so far. Still...

 

Challenge 3, practice music four times per week is also 0 for 4. Voice Kobe is this weekend but no one I know is going, it's just going to be me sucking up the stage without any support or friendly faces and just...why bother? I'm always going to be too fat and too weak to get back to doing this for a living, I'm never going to get an audition with Universal Studios Japan, much less a role, so why put myself through the pain of trying and failing any more?

 

Challenge 4, fruits and vegetables with every meal went fine today.

  • Breakfast: Feta and avocado scrambled eggs
  • Lunch: Lighter cauliflower "alfredo" pasta with chicken and broccoli, and salad with romaine lettuce, mushrooms, snap peas, and cucumber
  • Dinner: White chicken chilli with salad with romaine lettuce, mushrooms, snap peas, and cucumber

So, that part is going fine, for what it's worth.

 

I am sorry for being so negative. I just feel so frustrated by how tiny the gains have been in the last three years since my hospitalization, and when literally no one notices any of them or celebrates when I share, and when I can barely notice them myself, it is hard to stay motivated.  

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Hey JupiterStar, sorry to hear you're in a rut right now. :( I can understand how tiny gains would be super frustrating, but it still sounds like you've come a long way from barely surviving to working on strength training and aerials! It's really hard to look at the big picture when you're stuck in a rut and see the long term wins. It's also so hard for people who see you on a regular basis to notice the incremental changes build into something big. My uncle was surprised just last week when I told him how much his dog had grown in the last two months, he hadn't noticed because he was with her day after day. I suspect it is similar to how people see the changes in you. :)

 

Great job on getting out to do aerials this week! Great job on finding the motivation to do the strength training! Great job on finding awesome food to eat! :D

 

6 hours ago, JupiterStar said:

Voice Kobe is this weekend but no one I know is going, it's just going to be me sucking up the stage without any support or friendly faces and just...why bother? I'm always going to be too fat and too weak to get back to doing this for a living, I'm never going to get an audition with Universal Studios Japan, much less a role, so why put myself through the pain of trying and failing any more?

That's pretty harsh on yourself, but it is up to you to decide what you want. If you aren't having fun singing then maybe you're right, but you are also bringing your own worth down by telling yourself those kind of things. The world will say enough mean things to you without you helping it out by adding to the heap.

 

Maybe you need to take some time to reflect on why you've chosen the goals that you have and if you actually enjoy them or not. I figured out last challenge that I don't really like running long distances, but I was enjoying the BBWW so I changed focus to something that I enjoyed more (improving on the BBWW & trying yoga instead of running). If the new plan isn't working I'll try something new. You have so much potential to shine JupiterStar, and you have come sooooo far already! :D I hope you find what makes you happy and healthy and that you can get out of this rut with some love and a little time :) Don't give up!

 

Sparklers and hugs!

firework-sparkler-animated-gif-3.gifgiphy.gif

 

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Rebel Death Knight

Level 3 : Progress [ = _ _ _ ]

Challenges: [4] Current / 3 / 2 / 1

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^^^What he said.

 

Sorry to hear things aren't going so good.  If it helps any I'm in the same boat, my challenge is falling by the wayside (again!).  I really need to pull my finger out of my arse and get on with it but I just don't seem to have ANY energy right now. 

 

I hope things pick pick up a bit for you this week xx

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Make Life Rue The Day                             Turning back the clock                                                Recipe book  14

 

Life is far too short to take seriously

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On 07/05/2017 at 6:36 AM, JupiterStar said:

It's...going okay, I guess? Feeling very discouraged. I guess because it's really hitting me that this time three years ago I was stuck in critical condition in the hospital trying to get my platelets to a point where I wasn't bleeding internally, and in that time I have improved so little...I am working so hard and trying to remind myself that even tiny improvements are a huge step but it's hard to convince myself and no one else seems to think that those improvements are worth much, either, so...yeah. I just feel like I am never getting back even a tenth of what I lost with this illness and it is very difficult to stay positive...

 

But you are comparing your current situation to a future that never was! It is a bit like Bastiat's parable of the broken window in reverse: you are working very hard and seeing no improvement, but you cannot see where you would be if you hadn't been working so hard. Perhaps you would have been much worse and have really been keeping yourself up wonderfully all this time. That future where you didn't get sick didn't happen, and you can't be mad at yourself that you're not as strong as you were then. Celebrate where you are today (but don't let yourself off the hook ;) )!

 

Rooting for you!

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^^^ what they said! Don't give up! But reconsidering and restructuring your goals is totally okay. Aerials sounds like it would require a lot of strength. What if you dropped strength training and focused on the aerials instead? 

 

I spent a week in the hospital once and was supremely annoyed with how long it took to recover. I can't imagine dealing with what you're dealing with. You can do this. It might be slow and obnoxious until you find the right balance of things, but you'll get there. 

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Thank you guys for all the support. I think the main reason I've been feeling discouraged is because I thought so long and hard about these challenges and had lots of motivation for each of them; for aerials, I wanted to build habit and consistency (and get better at stunt falls to minimize injuries!), for strength training it was because just aerials wasn't showing a lot of results because of how weak I am and I wanted to start pushing beyond that, for the food it was to take advantage of seasonal ingredients and start feeling like I'm getting full meals instead of tiny portions of one-pot dishes, and for the music it was because that was my job and my passion for so long and I am so out of the loop and desperately want to get back into it again. I miss it so much, it hurts. When I'm playing, I feel great. But the rejection...in the past, I could say, "Screw this, there were people in my life who used to laugh at me behind my back or say that I was never going to be able to do this and I still went and did it, I can handle a rejection or failed audition!" Now, though, I keep thinking, "Am I ever going to get back to that place where I can do this professionally? Am I always going to be too fat or too weak? Is it because I seem so unprofessional and out of practice because I am? Was I ever good enough in the first place? Will I ever be again?" 

 

And without support, it's hard to drown out those voices. This illness pretty much defines my every waking moment and I want to get past that, but it's a lot harder than it sounds, and doing it alone is tough. It's like learning to walk again without a physical therapist, you know? (Which I did ask a doctor about but they said since a lot of the damage to my muscles and system were due to prednisone, there isn't much to be done beyond what I can do on my own) So thanks so much for the kind words. It really does help a lot.

 

Day Eighteen

 

Yesterday and today were hard but better, I guess.

 

Challenge 1, aerials twice per week I booked my next class for tomorrow. Fingers crossed it goes better than Sunday?

 

Challenge 2, strength training three times per week is getting a bit better; I bought a jump rope on Saturday so I'm doing that for my dynamic warm-up now and after that, the rest seems easier. Gonna do my second workout of the week tonight.

 

Challenge 3, music practice four times per week is...still problematic. If I practice every day from tonight on, I will make it, but only if I do it every day. I will maybe try my ukulele tonight, that's quiet enough for the neighbors I think...

 

Challenge 4, fruits and veggies with every meal went very well yesterday and today. Yesterday's meal plan was:

  • Brunch: Instant breakfast with one banana
  • Dinner: Grilled salmon with sauteed nagaimo(a kind of Japanese yam) and salad with mushrooms, cucumber, romaine lettuce, and snow peas

Today's  meals were:

  • Breakfast: Feta and avocado scrambled eggs
  • Lunch:  Grilled salmon with sauteed nagaimo and salad with mushrooms, cucumber, romaine lettuce, and snow peas
  • Dinner: Broiled balsamic vegetables (mushrooms, eggplant, zucchini, and 2 bell peppers) and tofu with lemon-parsley rice

So, doing okay on that front at least.

 

I still feel really down but having some support online helps. Thanks a lot, guys.

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Day Eighteen Update

 

Plans for challenge 2 and 3 went well! I got in my workout (is it weird that trying jump rope tabata for part of my warm-up is actually helping me do it, even though I freaking hate it by the end of the 4 minutes?) and fit in 3 full run-throughs of my main song for Voice Kobe on Sunday, if I still bother to go. Still unsure of that. And apparently I don't sound calm enough on it, so...not sure what to make of that. But anyway, point is, I did them both, so if I can practice the next three days, make it to aerials tomorrow night, and work out one more time on Friday or Saturday, I will have made my goals for week three!

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Day Nineteen

 

Challenge 1, aerials twice per week has been accomplished! Except it was really discouraging being able to do less than two 13 year old girls attending their first class. It's hard not to feel like I suck after that...

 

Challenge 2, strength training three times per week is still 2 out of 3. Gotta get it in tomorrow or Saturday still.

 

Challenge 3, music four times per week did...not go well. Still at 1 out of 4, and since it's 10:16pm, I haven't even eaten dinner yet, I still have Japanese studying to do, and have to be up at 6am to get to work on time...it's not happening tonight, so even if I practice tomorrow and Saturday, I'll only be 3 out of 4. Sigh.

 

Challenge 4, fruits and veggies with every meal still going fine:

  • Breakfast: Instant breakfast with one banana
  • Lunch: Roasted vegetables in balsamic sauce with lemon parsley rice
  • Dinner: Tuna brown rice bowls with poached egg and avocado

Tomorrow should be fine for that goal, too, it's Saturday I have to watch out for.

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Day Twenty

 

Challenge 1, aerials 2 times per week is getting a push tomorrow! I'm going to try for three times, RSVPd for tomorrow's class, so...fingers crossed?

 

Challenge 1, strength training 3 times per week is still at 2 out of 3. I am just too sore after aerials last night to do anything with my arms or shoulders right now, and sans push-ups, horizontal rows, curls, and pull-ups, not to mention the ability to work my jump rope, I'm pretty low on ideas to work out with. So rather than do an uncertain one tonight, I'll do one tomorrow when I hurt less.

 

Challenge 3. practice music 4 times per week is at 2 out of 4 now. It wasn't great practice since holding my flute or guitar both hurt after a short time so I had to switch to ukulele, which I only have 2 songs on for this show. But it was something. Will try for 3 tomorrow.

 

Challenge 4, fruits and veggies with every meal went pretty okay again:

  • Breakfast: Savory oatmeal with avocado
  • Lunch: Creamy enchilada pasa with green and red peppers, and corn
  • Dinner: White bean chicken chilli with salad with romaine lettuce, cucumbers, mushrooms, and snow peas

Not much to update, sorry.

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Sure thing, @Hymnusal! I got it from a friend, it makes 2 large-ish servings:

 

3/4 cup quick oats

3/4 cup milk of your choice (I find almond and soy make a texture I like better, but skim milk is nice, too, and we made it once with whole-fat milk when we had no choice and it tasted the same as skim)

1/2 cup water

1 egg

1/2 teaspoon (or to taste) Japanese seven spice or similar spicy powder (cajun and chilli powder work well, too, but the seven spice is best!)

1/2 avocado (so 1/4 avocado per serving) (optional)

Other toppings, like sunflower seeds, pine nuts, pumpkin, sesame seeds, etc. (optional)

 

Whisk the egg in a bowl or cup. In a saucepan, mix together the oats, milk, water, and egg, and cook on high on the stove, stirring constantly until the oatmeal reaches your desired consistancy. Add toppings and enjoy! 

 

This is one of my favorite breakfasts, it takes maybe 10-15 minutes even with dicing the avocado, there are almost no dishes, it tastes fantastic, and it keeps me full for hours! 

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Day Twenty-One

 

Erm...it happened?

 

Challenge 1, aerials twice a week was finished but I didn't end up going today for a bonus after all. I had a weigh-in today and it showed me up 2lbs from last week, despite working so hard all week...I felt too depressed to go and feel so awful and slow and weak compared to everyone else. But I'm going to try to go tomorrow, no matter how bad I still feel. I'll do my best.

 

Challenge 2, strength training three times per week I managed! Finally! I felt guilty missing aerials so I made sure not to skip this today. Whew. At last.

 

Challenge 3, practice music four times per week was...not meant to be this week. I got in a quick practice today so that puts me at 3 out of 4 days. And I think I'm going to miss the open mic night tomorrow. I just don't feel up to it. Next time. Oh well.

 

Challenge 4, fruits and veggies with every meal went well again, though. Skipped lunch, which wasn't good of me, but I did make myself eat dinner. 

  • Breakfast: 1 serving of Whole Grain Cheerios and skim milk, plus toast with 1/4 mashed avocado and banana
  • Dinner: Corn dog (I'm weak), Milk Protein (exactly what it sounds like), a Soy Joy, and mixed cut vegetables including carrot, cucumber, and daikon radish

 

Overall, for Week Three:

 

This was not a good week, despite my challenges going pretty well. I felt so down on myself every day and I still do. It's hard getting past that and motivating myself in that kind of situation. Still...

 

Challenge 1: A. Yay! 100%

Challenge 2: A. Another 100%!

Challenge 3: C. I only barely got in each practice, did the bare minimum, and completely had the time and ability to get in all 4 but didn't. Next week.

Challenge 4: A. All but 1 meal? Yeah, this one went fine.

 

For the last week, I want to try to get As on everything. I'm also going to try for 3 aerials classes again, just in case I can't make one. And I'll try harder not to skip meals, and to try and be positive again.

 

I'm also starting to think more about the next challenge, which of these I want to carry over again, what new things I want to try...

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So, it's midday here. I'm mostly finished with work prep, missed aerials and park yoga this morning due to serious anxiety issues about chores and spent the morning doing laundry. Now, I'm sitting in the apartment with all the windows open, realizing I have at least an hour before Purplebug gets home, and I keep thinking about the lack of kids on the playgrounds at the apartment complex today. I wonder...instead of my usual training, should I go out and see about tackling the monkey bars, maybe trying for some pull-ups or hanging ab work or other aerial training stuff, since I missed class? That counts as strength training, right?

 

Decisions, decisions...

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Day Twenty-Two

 

Playground happened! It was different than planned. Some hanging work on the monkey bars, some attempts at practicing knee hangs and front balance, but also lots of walking, some climbing, and swings. I like this. And apparently all the ancient ojii-san are out here in the morning doing monkey bar hangs and whatnot, so an adult woman who also played with the kids doing the same wasn't that sketchy to the adults. Nice? Might have to start giving the Playground Workout a go!

 

Challenge 1, aerials twice a week was going to be off to a great start but I did not attend class today after all. I was just too down and freaked out, I couldn't do it. But I have booked Thursday, and Saturday, so hopefully things will be okay by then.

 

Challenge 2, strength training three times per week was sooooort of tackled today? I mean, I did 10 hanging leg lifts, 10 hanging crunches, swung from the bars for three sets of 5 seconds, did like 3 hanging scissor kicks, and really tried to do some pull-ups and moving between more than just two bars. But I don't feel like I had a workout, so...not sure if I should count it or not. At any rate, I wrote into my planner that I'm going to work out Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I'm going to give the Playground Workout a try those days, see if it helps with my motivation and mood.

 

Challenge 3, music practice four times per week is going to start tomorrow. I was busy in the afternoon and after playing outside my hands are kind of in icky condition (the bars are bigger and a lot tackier than the hoop is, next time I'm using gloves) so I don't want to risk blisters from playing, nor do I really feel like piano today. But again, penciled it in for MWF and Saturday I have a guitar lesson so...fingers crossed.

 

Challenge 4, fruits and veggies with every meal went well today.

  • Breakfast: Flourless banana pancakes (made with 1 banana and 2 eggs, served with a drizzle of honey)
  • Lunch: Ham and peppercorn croissant with apple and milk protein
  • Dinner: Grilled salmon with broccoli noodle salad with sesame dressing, and miso soup
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1 hour ago, JupiterStar said:

Playground happened! 

Way to go! 

HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread    Bodyweight Exercise Library

The Arruvia Conspiracy Challenges: 1, 2, 3, 4, 567, 89, 10 

Other Challenges: 12345, 6, 7, 89, 10, 11, 1213, 14, 15 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28Mardi Gras [Current]

Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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Um...things aren't happening.

 

First, series of really unfortunate events involving work miscommunications, fat-shaming, and more. Then, sickness that was not possible to work around for challenge purposes (like, multiple doses of Immodium, having to run out of classes at work, trouble keeping meals down, it was bad). Today, on top of being sick, I got told yet more bad news about my visa, as well as getting a lot of smug comments about how if I "can't handle the stress of life in Japan, it might be best to leave" or how "Japan thrives on deception and has done nothing but treat you badly, don't know how you stay there." Which is not helpful, is VERY hurtful, does not take into account the complexities of my decisions to move here and stay here, nor the fact that I LOVE living here and don't want to leave unless Purplebug does, and also ignores the fact that I'm stressed due to a visa and money situation, not Life In Japan Full-Stop. Had to leave work today because I was too hysterical about the visa stress and spent today lying in bed waiting to not be sick and trying not to cry.

 

Fruits and veggies are happening still, but this week has sucked a lot so far for everything else.

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16 minutes ago, JupiterStar said:

getting a lot of smug comments about how if I "can't handle the stress of life in Japan, it might be best to leave" or how "Japan thrives on deception and has done nothing but treat you badly, don't know how you stay there." 

What kind of asshat says that kind of thing? :(  I know life in Japan can be hard (I was there for 4 years) but it sounds like you have some seriously toxic people around you.

 

We can't help much with your sickness, but we are here for moral support whenever you need it.

 

Hope you get your visa sorted, and that you get over whatever bug you have so you can get back to becoming the superhero we know you are!

 

がんばれ!

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HUNTER OF ALL THINGS SHINY

Intro Thread    Bodyweight Exercise Library

The Arruvia Conspiracy Challenges: 1, 2, 3, 4, 567, 89, 10 

Other Challenges: 12345, 6, 7, 89, 10, 11, 1213, 14, 15 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28Mardi Gras [Current]

Level 2 Ninja

Strength: 13 Intelligence: 14 Wisdom: 6 Dexterity:14 Constitution: 12 Charisma: 11

 

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Ugh people are terrible. :( Im sorry about  all the various sources of stress right now and I hope they sort themselves out. *hugs*

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Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

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Well, so far things are going okay today for the final day of the challenge, but overall, this week has just been a wash between visa stress, sickness, and everything else. On the plus side, I feel a bit more excited about the next challenge, so hopefully whatever revamps I do to my challenges and whatever I choose to carry over with me will go better? 

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Glad you're feeling better! Hopefully the extra stress sources will get sorted out soon :) 

 

On 2017-05-20 at 0:20 AM, JupiterStar said:

so hopefully whatever revamps I do to my challenges and whatever I choose to carry over with me will go better? 

Fingers crossed :) 

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Challenges: [4] Current / 3 / 2 / 1

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