The Nerd Fitness Arena

[Brawlrus]

Krasivyy! I must break you!

[DarK_RaideR]

The final entry to make it before the deadline, @Hazard picks his precioussss...

 

Smeagol/Gollum!

Originally a Hobbit, Smeagol fell into corruption after running into The One Ring. The item extended his lifespan beyond what was naturally possible, but also deformed Smeagol's body and twisted his mind. Upon meeting Frodo Baggins several years later, Smeagol's good hearted nature managed to occasionally rise at the surface, leading to a split personality disorder. Ultimately, it was the evil side (also known as Gollum) that prevailed and he fell into the fires of Mount Doom while trying to reclaim his "precious". Little did he know, the lava was actually a portal and it transported Smeagol into the 9000-Verse. Which must mean that his "precious" is also somewhere near...

[DarK_RaideR]

Deadline for submitting characters is over. Like I said in a previous post, there is a minimum roster requirement so I will be filling in the blanks with various free agents. As soon as that is done and depending on who is signed, I might list the full roster or keep it a surprise for the first show, which will be posted on Thursday, May 18. Anyone wishing to join can pick one of the "unchosen" characters by posting here or sending me a PM.

[WhiteGhost]

Are you ready to rrrrrruuuuuummmmmmmbllllllle?

[Xena]

2 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I might list the full roster or keep it a surprise for the first show,

 

Up to you of course, but I vote surprise :-)

[The Most Loathed]

47 minutes ago, Xena said:

 

Up to you of course, but I vote surprise :-)

+1

Nothing like having a total unknown come running in.

[DarK_RaideR]

The 9000Verse Gazetteaser

Scottish hardcore promotion "All Too Violent" confirmed its intention of adding high flying, risk taking daredevils to its product by signing none other than treasure hunter, fortune seeker and explorer Nathan Drake. This was not the only big name announced this month however, as the Thunder God, Raiden and notorious fighter Sephiroth also signed up with ATV. The promotion was out for an overall makeover though, and it also signed some important non-wrestlers, most important being Dr. Albert W. Willy on colour commentary and "Leisure Suit" Larry Laffer as a manager.

 

Fewer people but thunderous names for Abnormal DNA in the States. Besides one quarter of the Fantastic Four, The Thing (pictured above) ADNA also proceeded to add undead ninja Scorpion and Eddie Brock a.k.a. Venom to their roster.

 

Everyone's favorite macho promotion All Too Manly also had a few big names to announce this month. The triple signing of Noob Saibot, Sub-Zero and Shang Tsung has sparked rumors among fans regarding a potential deal between A2M and the Outworld, but as of yet nothing has been confirmed.

 

American Super League is as old school as it gets, so the announcement of villain Freddy Krueger joining them came as no surprise. Solid in its clear portrayal of good guys versus bad guys, ASL also signed a few other big names, specifically Sterling Archer, Al Simmons a.k.a. Spawn, The Riddler, Duke Nukem and the native american shaman Nightwolf. Fans of ASL have already begun guessing who will feud with who and who will ally with whom, but as of yet there is no official information available,

 

Given Black Lagoon's grey morality, the announcement of He-Man joining the promotion not only came as a surprise, but also felt completely unfitting. There is talk about BLAGN wanting to add some serious star power to their roster, however their "do anything to survive" narrative style does pose an interesting situation for the otherwise goody two shoes character.

 

Dead or Alive may have signed Jade to their roster, but the biggest buzz was having Ryuk join them. Since the promotion showcases exclusively women;s wrestling (if the in ring action can be called that) there has been a lot of speculation on whether Ryuk will be utilized at the announcing booth or in a more active on-screen role, such as that of a manager or authority figure.

 

Ryuk's old acquaintance Kira a.k.a. Light Yagami was busy too, signing up talent for his own promotion, where good guys are good and bad guys are punished. Quan Chi (pictured above) was an obvious choice, but KPWW spared no expense in signing up a long list of big names in the industry, including but not limited to Raiden, Kazuya Mishima, Liu Kang, Prince Goro, Kung Lao, Shang Tsung and Sub-Zero.

 

LLM stands for "Loco Libre de Mexico". Do we need to say anything more?

 

Metahuman Society X dropped a big name when they signed Gambit. The popular star is expected to fit nicely into their fast paced, action packed daredevil fighting style and fans have been beyond excited to see him at the promotion's next show.

 

Upstart promotion Mysterious Fight Club has been busy filling up the ranks, its most important announcement so far being the signing of mercenary Deadshot. Other big names include Hellboy, Scarecrow, The Lizard and Baron Helmut Zemo.

 

Both signed deals with different companies, but Scorpion and Gambit will certainly be fighting each other in a Steelport ring. The Lone Ranger also was announced as having joined the company, expected to also make an appearance at the promotion's next show.

 

Newly founded promotion Triple Zero had a lot of big names to announce for its starting roster, chief among which was none other than The Mask. Other than the big superstar,most names included in the roster are not as famous, barring Lois Griffin and her dog Brian.

 

Though not a ninja himself, Betelgeuse still is colourful and wacky enough as a character for Ultimate Ninja Storm to take interest in him. UNS officials convened to say his name three times and upon successfuly summoning him, proceeded to offer him a contract with their company.

[Brawlrus]

Oh crap. Nobody play Betegeuse. If he does well, the fans start chanting his name and he disappears, then reappears, then gone again. It'll be like a ghostly strobe and might give me a seizure.

[deftona]

3 minutes ago, Brawlrus said:

Oh crap. Nobody play Betegeuse. If he does well, the fans start chanting his name and he disappears, then reappears, then gone again. It'll be like a ghostly strobe and might give me a seizure.

 

Maybe that's his finisher?

[Brawlrus]

Just now, deftona said:

 

Maybe that's his finisher?

Hell of a roulette wheel for a finisher. If the fans end it with him gone, he gets counted out. I suppose that could work to his advantage if he's losing, but then the fans are getting him dq'd.

 

I can see something happening like "Betelgeuse launches off the top rope onto Leslie Knope" and as soon as he is about to land on her, *poof* he's gone, he's back in the locker room getting tag teamed by sand worms.

[DarK_RaideR]

34 minutes ago, Brawlrus said:

Oh crap. Nobody play Betegeuse. If he does well, the fans start chanting his name and he disappears, then reappears, then gone again. It'll be like a ghostly strobe and might give me a seizure.

30 minutes ago, deftona said:

Maybe that's his finisher?

Clearly, his finisher is an RKO #outta_nowhere.

 

First show to be posted tomorrow, I think the teaser post above makes it clear that we're due for a few surprise appearances...

[Brawlrus]

33 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Clearly, his finisher is an RKO #outta_nowhere.

 

First show to be posted tomorrow, I think the teaser post above makes it clear that we're due for a few surprise appearances...

 

Drago had a run in with him once. Betelgeuse said "Make my millenium!", so Drago sent him 1,000 years membership to the jelly of the month club.

[DarK_RaideR]

Heck, why wait till tomorrow, the Hype Train is early!

 

Quote

Hello and, again, welcome to the Gotham Auditorium’s computer-aided enrichment center. Tonight’s broadcast is named “There Will Be Cake”. That is because cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. The specimen have been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper, in front of 6.658 people in attendance. Before we start, however, keep in mind that although fun and learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities, serious injuries may occur. For your own safety and the safety of others, please do not try th[bzzzzzzzzt]...

 

Please welcome your announcers for the evening, “Joliet” Jake and Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers!

 

 

Joining them on commentary is Jeffrey Lebowski

 

Dude: How many times do I gotta say it, man? I’m not Lebowski. I’m The Dude

Elwood: Pleasure to have you with us, sir

Jake: Amen!

Segment grade: D+ 52

 

 

Lt. Aldo Rayne and B.J Blazkowicz Jr. are shown trading war stories in the parking lot

Aldo Rayne: Bummer that Hitler made it to this world too. That means you and me got one thing in common, we got a job that’s gonna keep us busy for a long while. Killing Nazis

BJ Blazkowicz nods

Aldo Rayne: Now, I’ve heard all about your grandpa, but I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are.

 

Bebop and Rocksteady jump out from behind a car and attack the two men

Rocksteady: Oh yeah? And just who the hell are you two?

Bebop: Nobody’s heard of you *oink* but you sure heard of us. We the Bebop and Rocksteady Wrecking Crew!

Rayne and Blazkowicz try to fight back, but the two men lack the teamwork of their enemies. There’s a bit of brawling back and forth, with Lt. Rayne picking up a wrench from somewhere off the ground to introduce it into the fight, only for the weapon to bounce off Rocksteady’s helmet. Rayne’s move opens a world of possibility to the two mutants, who start using their environment in creative ways, throwing their opponents onto nearby cars. Bebop catches Aldo Rayne on the back of the head with a blow from a sewer lid, knocking him unconscious, then Rocksteady tosses him into a trashcan. Having isolated BJ Blazkowicz, they rough him up and piledrive him onto the hood of a car, then team up to give him their tag team finisher, dubbed the Turtle Crusher.

The camera pans to reveal a DeLorean driving into the parking lot. Doc Emmet Brown comes out of it, dressed in a striped referee shirt. Skipping the formalities, Bebop drags him to the scene of the crime and forces him to count to three, while Rocksteady pins BJ Blazkowicz.

Winners: The Bebop and Rocksteady Wrecking Crew

Grade: D- 40

 

 

Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine are in the backstage area, looking out of a window. Reluctantly, they return to their task of getting ready.

Chris: I have a bad feeling about this Jill. Maybe it was wrong coming here

Jill: So was going to that mansion, but think of what could have been if we hadn’t been there

Chris looks around him, as if expecting something to jump at him from the shadows at any time

Chris: Do you feel it too? Like something’s watching?

Jill: Chris, relax. You’re just getting jumpy because you’re stressed. It’ll be alright. I’m here with you. We’ll have each other’s backs, right?

Chris: Yeah. We make a good team. Best if we stick together. You saw what happened in the parking lot.

Jill: I got your back, partner

Chris and Jill shake hands and nod with affirmation at each other. As they walk out of the room, something moves in the shadows. A low grumbling sound is heard

Grade: D 45

 

Jake: What the hell was that?

Elwood: Looks like things were off to an early start. Good thing I didn’t park the Bluesmobile on that side

Dude: That’s funny. I call my car the Dudemobile

Elwood: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Nerd Fitness Arena’s first show, There Will Be Cake. We’re not exactly sure what just transpired in the parking lot, apparently that fight will officially count for the record as a referee was present

Jake: Unlike our parents

Elwood: On to the first scheduled match of the night!

 

  vs 

Jack Burton vs Face McShooty

Jack Burton makes his entrance, then Face McShooty comes out with a pistol in hand, which he shoves into Jack’s hands and urges him to SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE! IN THE FAAAACE! Jack looks startled, but his “opponent” prances around like a spaz and won’t stop screaming about how much he wants, no, he needs to be shot in the face. A minute or two go by before Jack switches from “is this guy for real” mode into punching him in the face. Without even flinching, Face McShooty keeps hopping around and yelling at his opponent that he’ll have to SHOOT him, not punch him. And he’ll have to do so, IN THE FACE! Few more punches don’t change the situation, so Jack reluctantly takes aim and shoots his opponent between the eyes. Face McShooty hits the ground gasping “thank you”, medics rush in to pick him up and the bell rings, declaring a very confused Jack Burton as the winner.

Winner: Jack Burton

Grade: D- 40

 

Jake: If the first one was a mess, don’t even get me started on this thing!

Elwood: Apparently firearms are legal. Still, this was a really confusing thing to watch

Dude: Mind if I do a j?

Elwood: Not at all, sir. I think we’ll need it

 

 vs 

Xiahou Dun vs Altair ibn-La’Ahad

From their respective entrances, this looks like it’s going to be a clash of styles. Xiahou Dun comes out to pompous traditional chinese music, though he is all business as he walks to the ring. The music switches to a hypnotic arabic tune before Altair pops up from the shadows, flipping and cartwheeling his way to the ring. This clash of characters carries on into the match, with Xiahou using crisp technical strikes that Altair dodges in a somewhat acrobatic fashion, only to retaliate with aerial offense. Xiahou’s eyepatch is what throws Altair off balance, as the man doesn’t seem to be hindered by the lack of one eye. Trying to figure a way around it, Altair loses focus and that allows Xiahou to connect with a pressure point that incapacitates the Arabian Assassin for the three count.

Winner: Xiahou Dun

Grade: D 44

 

Elwood: Probably the first real match of the night and a decent one at that

Dude: Kudos to the Chinaman for winning in, man

Jake: Next one’s gonna be even better, says here it’s a proper boxing match!

 

 vs 

Ivan Drago vs Kenny McCormick

Ivan Drago makes his glorious and menacing entrance, looking ready for action. His opponent is a young kid in a parka hood with big boxing gloves the size of his head, a sight that would be comical otherwise if he wasn’t fighting the Russian boxer. The bell rings and a gutsy Kenny challenges Drago to come at him. He does exactly that, no hesitation whatsoever, pummeling the youngster to the point where it gets slightly uncomfortable to watch. The referee keeps breaking up the two, but Kenny never has a chance and it doesn’t take long before he’s knocked out.

Winner: Ivan Drago

Grade: D- 40

 

Dude: Somebody call the police, man. This aggression will not stand

Elwood: Best to not occupy the boys in blue with such trivial matters. They sure have more urgent things to attend to, as our ring crew tends to the fallen combatant

Jake: Yeah, keep the cops out of this

 

Leslie Knope is shown sitting at her office. She addresses the camera and audience, saying it is unacceptable that a sociopathic robot appears to be in charge of everything going on tonight, having people shot at and children boxing heavyweights. Leslie says it’s her intention to become the leading authority and make things right, for the employees working here and the audience watching.

Grade: D 43

 

Jake: Who’s that lady?

Elwood: That would be Leslie Knope, Deputy Director of the Parks and Recreation Department of Pawnee, Indiana

Jake: What do we care?

Elwood: You asked

Jake: And how come you know all that?

Elwood: It’s in my notes. I’ve done my research

Dude: Far out, man

 

 vs 

“The Bride” Beatrix Kiddo vs “The Gollum” Smeagol

Another blatant mismatch, initially at first because Smeagol/Gollum shows not only surprising agility, but also fights with vicious ferocity. Kiddo is taken aback once the bell rings, limited to kung fu parries and footwork dodging, but once Smeagol/Gollum gets a hold of her hand and bites her forearm, the rush of adrenaline wakes her up for good. She fights back till she corners her opponent, who crawls into a miserable ball and pleads for mercy. Of course, it’s a distraction and when Kiddo has her guard down, Smeagol/Gollum reverts to his usual animalistic fury and rakes her face with his claws.  Again realizing the urgency of the situation, Kiddo kicks up her fighting a notch and eventually incapacitates her opponent with a calculated strike to his vitals.

Winner: “The Bride” Beatrix Kiddo

Grade: D+ 53

 

Lights go out and the sound of fighting can be heard. Soon, the muzzle flare of semi-automatic gunfire sporadically illuminates the scenery. When the lights are on again, two figures are standing over a bloodied Beatrix Kiddo, smoking guns in hand.

 

Grade: C- 56

 

Elwood: I take it these ladies know each other. That had personal written all over it.

Jake: Pft, should have seen my ex fiancee

 

 vs 

John Henry “Steel” Irons vs Darth Vader

Steel is allowed to carry his hammer to the ring, because right after his entrance, lights go out and the red glow of a lightsaber is visible at the top of the ramp. Imperial March begins to play on the speakers and the audience go crazy as Darth Vader marches down to meet his opponent. Steel hammers away, only to be dodged by Vader who seems to be appraising him, saying things like “impressive” and “very good” after each missed swing. Confident he has this in the bag, Vader swipes forward with his lightsaber, but to his surprise, it does not cut the large hammer in half. Steel capitalizes with a shoulder block, mauling Vader to the ropes until the sith knocks him off his feet thanks to the power of the Force. Lifting up a massive man like Steel is no small feat and it has taken a toll on Vader, who is somewhat staggering as he closes in for the kill, holding Steel mid air in a Force Choke. Vader raises his lightsaber… and is blasted away by a salvo of laser shots.

Flying about on his rocket powered boots, Star-Lord takes pot shots at Vader who deflects them all. Dealing with the newcomer though has Vader turn his back on Steel, who draws back a mighty fist and and delivers justice in a single blow, dropping his opponent to the mat for the pin.

Winner: John Henry “Steel” Irons

Grade: D 47

 

Elwood: I’m uncertain as to how I should call the action

Jake: Man of steel versus man in black. Space man interrupts to attack man in black. Iron guy wins.

Elwood: That is one way to sum it up

 

Backstage, Ash Williams is getting ready. The chainsaw resting in his locker, Ash picks up a mechanical fist and attaches it to the stump on his right arm, testing out the fit and mobility.

“Impressive. Does it take other attachments too?”

Ash turns around to see Poison Ivy strutting towards him, scantily clad in a green dress in a leafy pattern. Skipping the formalities, Ash wraps an arm around her waist and brings her closer, saying he’s got a few more attachments she might be interested in. Once he deliver his “gimme some sugar, baby” line though, Poison Ivy brings her palm before her mouth and gently blows some sort of white powder in his face. Ash lets go of her and grabs his face, shouting something about his eyes. Ivy smiles and says something about sugar, diabetes and going blind, then walks away with Ash stumbling to follow her steps.

 

 vs 

Ash Williams vs Poison Ivy

It is announced that due to Ash being temporarily blinded, in order to make the fight fair, both competitors will be blindfolded, to which Ash makes a snarky comment about having to grapple each other in the dark. When the bell rings, Poison Ivy simply causes roots and vines to come out of the ground and wrap Ash in a deadly grasp. Probably wishing he had his chainsaw attachment, Ash struggles to break free. When he does, he stumbles and moves around with outstretched hands, cursing as he tries to locate his opponent. Ivy moves around with uncanny ease like she’s not hindered at all by the blindfold, toying with him as a cat would toy with a mouse. By the time she finally moves in for the kill, Ash is so enraged that as soon as he feels her presence, grabs her and slams her to the ground, unleashing all his piled up frustration. Referee Doc Emmet Brown sees Ivy’s shoulders on the ground and drops down for the count, declaring Ash to be the winner.

Winner: Ash Williams

Grade: D+ 52

 

Elwood: That was strange, but oddly captivating

Jake: Like a car crash you drive by but can’t take your eyes off

Dude: Think I’ve seen that lady somewhere… was it the GMO protest?

Elwood: It is now time for the main event! Are you rrrready to rrrrrrumble?

 

 vs 

Judge Dredd vs Kraven the Hunter

The two men make their entrances to the cheer of fans. There’s nothing exciting or fancy about their slugfest, though Kraven does break up the action sometimes with a few flashy moves off the ropes. The bout goes on with neither man having a clear advantage, until Dredd’s age kicks in and he starts to gasp for air between blows. Kraven taunts him about not having it in him anymore, which only fuels Dredd to a flurry of enraged blows that almost incapacitate the Russian, before he’s stopped by the impact of a bullet hitting his shoulder pad, a bit too close to where his heart lies.

Camera follows Dredd’s eyesight going up to reveal Natasha Romanoff a.k.a. Black Widow kneeled on a beam in the rafters and holding a silenced sniper rifle with smoke coming out of the muzzle. Capitalizing on the distraction, Kraven pounces on Dredd and spears him in the gut to keep him down for the three count.

Winner: Kraven the Hunter

Grade: C 65

 

Show grade: D 45

 

Backstage info

• BJ Blazkowicz Jr sustained a Strained Wrist, but will be fully healed by next show. Rocksteady was blamed for the injury
• Aldo Raine and BJ Blazkowicz have zero chemistry as tag team partners, which actually penalized their match quality.
• Fans hated Ash Williams’ Demonslayer gimmick. Looks like they want the wisecracking “grey morality” wiseguy version
• Show was penalized due to competitors having better production values

Have an idea for next show? Want your character to do or say something specific? Someone you’d want them to get involved in a feud with? For all that, along with comments on narrative style and other ideas, contact me through a PM!

[deftona]

35 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Face McShooty comes out with a pistol in hand, which he shoves into Jack’s hands and urges him to SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE! IN THE FAAAACE!

 

What a legend. 

 

35 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

The bell rings and a gutsy Kenny challenges Drago to come at him. He does exactly that, no hesitation whatsoever, pummeling the youngster to the point where it gets slightly uncomfortable.

 

Oh my god! He killed Kenny! 

 

36 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Leslie Knope is shown sitting at her office. She addresses the camera and audience, saying it is unacceptable that a sociopathic robot appears to be in charge of everything going on tonight, having people shot at and children boxing heavyweights. Leslie says it’s her intention to become the leading authority and make things right, for the employees working here and the audience watching.

 

YASS! 

 

Ima sort all you kids right out. 

 

36 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Altair loses focus and that allows Xiahou to connect with a pressure point that incapacitates the Arabian Assassin for the three count.

 

Boo! #TeamAltair. 

 

37 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Lights go out and the sound of fighting can be heard. Soon, the muzzle flare of semi-automatic gunfire sporadically illuminates the scenery. When the lights are on again, two figures are standing over a bloodied Beatrix Kiddo, smoking guns in hand.

 

 

*marks out*

 

This is so amazing, well done, sir! 

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I bet there isn't any cake.

[shaar]

This was seriously a joy to read.  I love that you've got THE DUDE on commentary too.

[WhiteGhost]

Excellent!  I love it

[EricMN]

Good lord, the commentary.

 

5 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

  

 

Jake: If the first one was a mess, don’t even get me started on this thing!

Elwood: Apparently firearms are legal. Still, this was a really confusing thing to watch

Dude: Mind if I do a j?

Elwood: Not at all, sir. I think we’ll need it

 

Read in-character. mind blown. Also:

 

5 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Lights go out and the sound of fighting can be heard. Soon, the muzzle flare of semi-automatic gunfire sporadically illuminates the scenery. When the lights are on again, two figures are standing over a bloodied Beatrix Kiddo, smoking guns in hand.

 

Grade: C- 56

 

Elwood: I take it these ladies know each other. That had personal written all over it.

Jake: Pft, should have seen my ex fiancee

 

Dude.

[Wild Wolf]

6 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Fans hated Ash Williams’ Demonslayer gimmick. Looks like they want the wisecracking “grey morality” wiseguy version

 

You gotta give the fans what they want

 

 

Wolf

[DarK_RaideR]

7 hours ago, deftona said:

*marks out*

 

This is so amazing, well done, sir! 

Why, thank you ma'am! Would appreciate your creative input as to what Leslie Knope does next.

 

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I bet there isn't any cake.

The cake is a lie

 

6 hours ago, shaar said:

This was seriously a joy to read.  I love that you've got THE DUDE on commentary too.

Couldn't skip El Duderino (if you're not into the whole brevity thing). Glad you liked it.

 

5 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Excellent!  I love it

Thanks!

 

2 hours ago, EricMN said:

Good lord, the commentary.

 

Read in-character. mind blown.

From GLaDOS' intro to the commentary, Raine's speech, Face McShooty's screams, Vader's comments and the Ash-Ivy segment, I was secretly hoping people would read stuff and hear the characters' voices in their heads. If your reading experience was like that, I'm a happy man.

[deftona]

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Why, thank you ma'am! Would appreciate your creative input as to what Leslie Knope does next.

 

Via PM, I assume?

[Xena]

9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I bet there isn't any cake.

 

 

If there happens to be cake, I wanna be the girl with the most.

 

...

11 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Lights go out and the sound of fighting can be heard. Soon, the muzzle flare of semi-automatic gunfire sporadically illuminates the scenery. When the lights are on again, two figures are standing over a bloodied Beatrix Kiddo, smoking guns in hand.

 

 

....uh after I somehow recover from that ^^^

 

(awesome)

 

[DarK_RaideR]

Quote

 

Camera fades in to reveal a sign saying "Bogator Hut, MS. All 2.000 tickets for tonight's episode of Nerd Fitness Arena have been sold out". The camera then pans to the side to reveal  a small run-down hut that, from the looks of it, acts as the information area, ticket booth and concessions stand at the same time. The hut sits off side of a mostly uninhabited nearby swamp. A fighting ring has been elevated above the marsh, where alligators lounge as they take in the sun's heat.

 

The camera cuts to some dingy backstage area. Leslie Knope is talking to someone but is clearly uncomfortable in the setting, occasionally pausing her words to squat a mosquito. Knope seems to be outraged that firearms would be allowed in a promotion supposed to promote hand to hand combat. She's also worried about the safety of the ring's setup in the middle of an alligator swamp, not to mention the sanitary conditions of the backstage area. A rough male voice tells her that there's a limit to what political action can achieve. Sometimes you just gotta take matters into your own hands. The camera pans on a pair of meaty fists, then follows the arms to reveal the face of...

Former professional wrestler and mayor of Metro City, Mike Haggar. Known for taking to the streets to rescue his daughter when she was kidnapped by the Mad Gear Gang, it is evident that he and Knope share a certain common background that might imply he has been mentoring her. Knope nods, looking like she's made her mind up.

Grade: D 44

 

The camera cuts to a pair of iron boots marching in the swamp mud. Steel walks into a hut that appears to have been made into a makeshift infirmary, reminiscent of a scene from a Vietnam war movie. Lt. Aldo Raine is tending to the wrist of B.J. Blazkowicz Jr. After introducing himself, Steel says he disapproves of the dishonest ways evidenced by Bebop and Rocksteady. Because of that, he would like to assist the two men in defeating the mutant troublemakers, if of course they are open to accepting his help. B.J. simply flexes the fingers of his bandaged hand as he seems to be sizing up the offer, but Aldo Raine jumps at it, saying they can use any help they can find. He and Steel shake hands, agreeing to fight Bebop and Rocksteady in the ring tonight.

Grade: D- 39

 

vs

Elle Driver & O-Ren Ishii vs Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine

Both teams make it to the ring, seemingly not worried about the alligators surrounding it. Chris and Jill's cautious ways are a stark contrast to the weird mix of their opponents; O-Ren is calm and calculating, using precision strikes and slick submission holds while Elle's style is arrogant and overconfident. Once everyone's had a little time in the ring, it becomes apparent that Elle and O-Ren have terrible communication, which gives their opponent an advantage. In control of the match, it looks like Chris and Jill are going to win it, when the lights suddenly go out. Splashing noises are followed by the telltale sounds of fighting. When the lights come back on, both Chris and Jill lie unconscious in the ring, evidently mauled by some kind of beast. Their opponents do not seem to mind the sudden mysterious assistance and cover them to pick up the win.

Winners: Elle Driver and O-Ren Ishii

Grade: D+ 50

 

A video is played next, showing Elle Driver and O-Ren Ishii crashing the wedding of Beatrix Kiddo in El Paso, Texas. Any image or mention of Bill has been removed from the footage to avoid copyright problems, but it is still an emotional thing to look at.

Grade: C- 62

 

Gollum is shown alone backstage searching through the lockers, haphazardly tossing people's belongings onto the floor as he does so. He can be heard muttering something like "Where is it?.... Where is it!?  It's ours it is, and we wants it!"

The sound of footsteps on wooden planks is heard, forcing Gollum to stop and look around. Sensing someone approaching, Gollum hisses and quickly darts out the door.

Grade: E+ 35

 

His red cloak thrown over his shoulders, Ivan Drago carefully walks across a room whose floor is strewn with cables of all sorts. The sensory part of GLaDOS suddenly descends from the roof, its lenses zooming in and out as they focus on the Russian's figure. Not a man of many words, Drago simply demands a match for the title, to which GLaDOS replies with "Error 404, item not found". Unphased, maybe because he doesn't exactly understand the response, Drago suggests it is found soon, otherwise it better be created or the robot will feel the force of his over 2.000 psi punch.

Grade: D+ 53

 

vs

Lt. Aldo Raine & Steel vs The BRS Wrecking Crew

Once everyone is done making their entrances, it is announced that this match will take place under Tornado Tag Team rules, meaning there's no need for tags as all four participants can be active at all times. This unleashes all four fighters to meet in the center of the ring and slug it out in a nasty brawl. Steel's skin provides him with enough protection as well as impact behind his blows, but he is too honourable for this dirty fight, meaning that Bebop and Rocksteady are able to stand toe to toe with him thanks to a few underhanded tricks. Aldo Raine on the other hand is pretty versed in unorthodox fights, but being a simple human in a fight against mutants there's little he can do. The bout goes on for a while but eventually gets so chaotic that referee Doc Emmet Brown decides he can't keep up with it, ruling it a no contest draw.

Winners: Draw

Grade: E+ 35

 

 

Hawkeye is shown finishing preparations and walking to the entrance of the ramp that leads to the ring. On his way, he bumps onto Xiahou Dun. The two share an intense staredown, given the history behind the Chinese general losing his eye, but eventually keep their cool and continue walking their separate ways.

Grade: C- 55

 

vs

Hawkeye vs Kraven the Hunter

 

The match is announced as a "Hunter versus Hunter" bout, though that simply seems to be a narrative disclaimer instead of some unusual stipulation. Despite his archery skills, Hawkeye turns out to also be a competent hand to hand combatant, so after the initial face off, Kraven adapts. The rest of the match is a slow, calculating dance between the two, a mental chess game of who will be predator and who will be prey. There is reason and drama behind their every move, making this a "thinking man's match" of cerebral excellence. That's not to say it's slow or unspectacular, as the two throw punches, exchange submission holds and once things have warmed up, introduce some big power throws, slams and even high flying attacks. In the end though, it's Kraven's experience that gives him the edge once the match has dragged on and Hawkeye is put in a submission hold that forces him to tap out.

Winner: Kraven the Hunter

Grade: C+ 71

 

 

Returning backstage after his match, Kraven sees Black Widow performing some maintenance on her firearms collection. He walks closer but stops dead on his heels when he realizes the gun Widow's holding is loaded and pointed at him. With a smile, he assures her he means no harm and thanks her for assisting him to beat Judge Dredd. He does warn her though that both of them are hunters and a clash somewhere down the road is inevitable.

Grade: C 68

 

 

Ash is shown backstage, enjoying a bowl of dubious gumbo. Jack Burton walks in and gives him a confused look. Still chomping on some bits, Ash tells the man to keep walking and leave him alone. Jack seems to be in the mood to discuss the encounter of Ash with Poison Ivy, though it's unclear what exactly he's interested in. Ash just keeps eating and looks at him without saying anything, though it's clear in his eyes he wants the man to be gone. With a shrug, Jack walks away.

Grade: C- 54

 

 vs

Judge Dredd vs Poison Ivy

 

With Dredd impervious to her charms, there's little Poison Ivy can do for herself in the fight. Dredd stays on the offensive while reciting the countries she's wanted in and the reasons therefore, mainly eco terrorism, vandalism, arson, destruction of property and that kind. Just before tying her hands behind her back, Dredd adds her unprovoked assault to Ash Williams that left the man blind and hits her with the Lawgiver for the win.

Winner: Judge Dredd

Grade: D 52

 

Show Grade: D 53

Shown by: The Pop! Network (USA&Canada), BS-i (Kanto, Japan), Prime Television NZ (New Zealand), Israel Plus (Eastern Europe), Tele 5 (Central Europe), STV (Scotland, UK)

TV Ratings: 0.79 (592.500 viewers)

 

 

Backstage info

• In the pre-show, Star Lord defeated Altair ibn-La'Ahad, Darth Vader defeated Kenny McKormick, BJ Blazkowicz Jr defeated Face McShooty
• Elle Driver and O-Ren Ishii have zero chemistry as tag team partners

Have an idea for next show? Want your character to do or say something specific? Someone you’d want them to get involved in a feud with? For all that, along with comments on narrative style and other ideas, contact me through a PM!

[WhiteGhost]

Aaaawwww Yeeeaaahhh! It's smash time   

[Wild Wolf]

 

 

Wolf