Hope embarks on a druidic journey

[aishah hope]

I think one of these might fit the format I am looking for a little bit better than the character page - I want to be able to track my daily/weekly quests for both life and fitness, and keep track of what I'm eating and the exercise I'm doing. So here I am!

 

In terms of worldbuilding, the world I inhabit as a character looks something very much like Avalon - a druidic priestess's training ground (although MZB is hella problematic so just gonna admit that from the get go). So I'm thinking of all of this as both an inner and outer journey to self-improvement and strength, both mental and physical.

 

Right now I'm pushing through til the end of the month because work has been really stressful - I work at a school, so things will calm down a little bit after the end of May and I can really start focusing in on my fitness goals. At the moment I'm just keeping up with walking and confronting my emotional eating issues - I honestly didn't realize this was such a big deal for me until recently, when I started trying to track with MFP and keep things around 1800 cals/day. And then I realized that the high cal meals I'm eating and the food choices I'm making are really emotionally motivated and filling a void. So figuring all of that out has been a process.

Quests for this weekend (5/12-5/14):

3xp - 10k steps/day _ _ _

3xp - track food each day X X _

3xp - journal each day X _ _

5xp - bring up emotional eating issues in therapy on Saturday

2xp - church on Sunday & class afterwards - talk to 1 person I have not met before

1xp - message Tomi about meeting up

5xp - catch up on recordings for a class I'm taking

1xp - finish my first TESOL course (just one small task left to go for it)

1xp - finish reading The Road to Character

[aishah hope]

Oh man. Struggling with emotional eating so this is hard to post. Too much drinking my calories, too much eating out at unhealthy places, too much seeking comfort in food. But I am starting to confront my emotional eating for real for real. So that's something, and a start.

 

food yesterday:

breakfast - 3/4 pita with hummus, coffee with vanilla creamer

lunch - rice with vegetable curry, small salad, strawberries

snack - apple slices, 3 mandarin oranges

dinner - burger with large fries, limeade, brownie sundae

 

food today:

breakfast - fiberone 90 cal brownie

lunch - 2 spring rolls w/sauce, fried rice, sauteed veggies, orange chicken, pepsi

snack - sugar cookie, strawberry lemonade

dinner - planning to do cauliflower rice, steamed veggies, and sweet'n'sour baked chicken

I ended up coming home last night and crashing after a long week at work, but today I'm working on catching up on classes. I went to therapy and ended up spending most of it talking about mother's day and stuff with my parents but I did bookmark emotional eating to talk about next session (in two weeks), so...two points for at least bringing it up! But not the full amount because I totally stalled and worked on other stuff instead (which was important, but still).

 

Journaling is happening, walking is happening BUT I only got about 9500 steps yesterday so fell short there.

 

surprise achievements unlocked (aka I didn't think to put these on the original list!):

4xp bought, wrote, and posted mother's day cards + a present for my roomie (who just had a baby)

5xp weekly volunteer shift doing customer service for a game I play (5 hours)

[Mazarine]

I just love how focused you are! I can't get over it! 

 

I can totally understand eating one's feelings. It's something I definitely need to work on, too! 

 

I think 9500 steps is great! That's a ton of walking!

[aishah hope]

You're too sweet! Your comments really made my morning

 

So the verdict for this weekend...

 

Quests for this weekend (5/12-5/14):

3xp - 10k steps/day _ _ _ [Got close a couple of times but no cigar!]

3xp - track food each day X X _ [Need to start tracking in MFP - 2xp]

3xp - journal each day X _ _ [1xp - SO MUCH came up for me yesterday and I haven't had a chance to write about it yet because I was running around all day]

5xp - bring up emotional eating issues in therapy on Saturday [bookmarked it for next time - 2xp]

2xp - church on Sunday & class afterwards - talk to 1 person I have not met before [Killed it! Talked to a lady about the church's strategic plan and got to know her a bit AND learned about some opportunities with helping out that I am really excited about.]

1xp - message Tomi about meeting up [Nope. Think I might postpone this for a couple of weeks because of work.]

5xp - catch up on recordings for a class I'm taking  [Made it! Finally. Now I have to do this week's.]

1xp - finish my first TESOL course (just one small task left to go for it) [AND I got approved for a scholarship for the second course (it's through Coursera/ASU so it goes class by class, there are 8-10 in total I think. I want to finish the whole thing by the end of the year.]

1xp - finish reading The Road to Character 

 

surprise achievements unlocked (aka I didn't think to put these on the original list!):

4xp bought, wrote, and posted mother's day cards + a present for my roomie (who just had a baby)

5xp weekly volunteer shift doing customer service for a game I play (5 hours)

5xp coaching call with Deni [I forgot I had this, thankfully she sent me a reminder. It's part of a group support program I'm in for trafficking survivors - we're encouraged to do like 3-6 sessions of life coaching. This session really shifted something for me around my belief that 'there's no point/nothing ever works out' - it was really powerful to discover what lies underneath that.]

 

total so far: 28xp

 

I'm NOT sure what I'm keeping the total for...maybe I'll do my own leveling system and devise different xp for the challenges to incorporate them. Who knows. I just like the idea of racking up xp for daily tasks (and big things too!). Yay dopamine!

 

I'm trying to be gentle with myself this week and next week since work is still pretty slammed until the 27th. So...as far as health and fitness goes, I think my big goal is to walk at least 10k steps at least 3 days this week and to eat dinner at home at least 3 days this week. And not to drink my calories (aside from the occasional coffee and tea - no non-diet soda and no juice!). Stuff that doesn't get done will get moved to the weekend list, since I'll have slightly more time/energy then I think.

 

Quests for this week (Mon-Fri)

3xp - Walk 10k steps 3x by Friday _ _ _

3xp - Eat at home for dinner 3x by Friday X X X

5xp - No drinking calories X X X _ X

5xp - Track food on MFP X X _ X _

2xp - Complete Elevate module for this week
3xp - Journal 3x this week X X X

2xp - Make a workout plan/schedule with Jehan to start in the next 2-3 weeks

2xp - Week 1 of 'Learning How to Learn' course - I've heard it's really helpful

1xp - Finish reading Our Chosen Faith

5xp - Rack up at least 50xp on Duolingo for Dutch _ _ _ _ _

3xp - Attend ISF graduation on Friday

2xp - DO LAUNDRY MONDAY NIGHT. FFS.

 

Surprise achievements unlocked

5xp - volunteer orientation for New Friends New Life

1xp - leadership meeting for the game I play

[aishah hope]

Some things are going well, others not so much - I have been walking a fair bit (8k-9.5k steps/day) but not quite as much as I'd like (it is freaking hot outside), work lunch threw off my food tracking today (and will probably Friday too because potlucks - although I'm not eating a crazy amount and staying away from cake and whatnot altogether), and a few unexpected things came up (volunteer orientation which they literally informed me of at the very last minute, ditto for a game meeting) which might throw off my cooking at home plans. There's always sandwiches though (I discovered 40cal/slice bread, woohoo! Long term goal is to get rid of bread but in the short term sandwiches have been saving my always-eating-out life).

Work stress is really kicking my butt and I'm probably going to have to find a PT job this summer to supplement my income. I don't even have the energy to go into it but work is really making life suck right now.

[Ana Fini]

Hey keep going!

One little step at a time will take you very far away! Things may seem not so good now but you are taking steps to change them!

Have you ever consider on doing meal prep on Sundays? For me it is essential, if I have at least my lunches ready to take to work is a guarantee that at I do at least one healthy meal. Some weeks I may even feel extra lazy but arrange some energy to just throw some chicken with broccoli and rice. Very easy and fast. Give it a try!

Don't feel bad if some times you feel like you're steeping back, you've been doing the things that you want to change for all your life so you cannot expect to change them overnight. Things that sometimes you don't even think about because they are just automatic. Be kind to yourself you need it.

[aishah hope]

Thank you for the encouragement! I'm still trying to take steps and not beat myself up when I get off track here and there. I have done meal prep before, and sometimes it works well and sometimes not so much - occasionally I just get tired of whatever I'm eating or dislike the reheated taste. My living situation right now makes it so that I don't have tons of refrigerator or kitchen space, but one thing I have been doing on and off is prepping for 2-3 days at a time instead of the whole week - I'd like to get back to that (I need to go grocery shopping). I really love the reminder about how it will take more than overnight to change things! I needed that. Thank you.

 

I ended up skipping the volunteer orientation - they are doing another one in July and things will be much calmer then (and I will have more availability) so I decided to wait for now. I was just too wiped last night after work. I did avoid eating out last night though! So that's something. I've dropped back down to my starting weight in the last week after having gotten off track for awhile (260 - I was up to like 267 for a bit there from eating out and overeating). I'm still working on sitting with my emotions instead of stuffing them down/numbing them with food.

 

My friend is being flaky about working out so I'm thinking about making a plan by myself or maybe looking for a virtual accountibilibuddy instead. I was really hoping we could do it together around work (we work together) because it helps me to have in-person support (and she says it is helpful for her too) but our schedules may not match up this summer that well and she doesn't seem as enthusiastic. So we'll see. I will still work on a plan this week either way.

[TophGal]

You're awesomely intense with your goals! I'm going to hang around for inspiration.  (and hello emotional eating, same here. Trying to break away from that too!)

[aishah hope]

23 hours ago, TophGal said:

You're awesomely intense with your goals! I'm going to hang around for inspiration.  (and hello emotional eating, same here. Trying to break away from that too!)

You're too sweet! Sending happy thoughts that we both break out of these emotional eating patterns. I've at least started to be more mindful about mine (journaling is helping a lot) even when I am not always able to interrupt them.

[aishah hope]

Okay, Friday is upon us and I have a pretty good idea of how the day will go so I figured I'd go ahead and do a recap for the week. 

 

Good stuff:

Didn't drink calories most days, tracked food about half the time, did half of the Elevate module (all but the live sessions since I have to do those from home), kept up on coursework more or less, laundry, leadership meeting, walked a pretty good amount even though I didn't hit 10k steps/day. Only ate out twice. I read about 1/2 of the book I'm working on, I'm not too upset that I didn't finish it, I'm enjoying the ride so far (and taking breaks to read other books).

 

Stuff to improve on:

I totally slipped and had a limeade on Thursday. It was glorious and 100% worth it but I'd like to be able to give up liquid calories for at least 30 days (maybe that'll be one of my quests on the upcoming challenge). I've been sticking to coke zero, coffee, and water. I suck at keeping up with food tracking, like, a lot, so I really want to get better with that. Was way too tired to Duolingo this week and used being tired as an excuse (it's totally easy and I could have done it if I'd tried). 

 

Other observations:

I really had to struggle with myself over not eating out (which is normal because I've been doing it a TON lately ever since I got back from being out of town). Eating out for me is partly indicative of emotional eating and is when I tend to overeat. One thing that helped was working really hard to observe and identify/describe my emotions that I felt when eating and write about them.

 

I struggled with some of my goals, partly due to time/stress and partly due to excuses, but others I realized that it wasn't THAT urgent to get them done this week and I don't mind it taking a bit longer. Doing my to-do list like this (as a quest list with assigned xp and everything) is really helping me to feel more motivated to pay attention to it, but/and it's also helping me to realize what really is and isn't important to me and what I want to focus on. And I am seeing where I need to push myself (food tracking, language learning, etc.) and where I am really okay with things as they are.

 

I'm a total self-help and productivity junkie (I'm owning it) and I have been reading lately about different ways of clarifying your goals. And I know this sounds morbid, especially as someone who's lost like half my family to early deaths due to poor health/nutrition/fitness. But one way that has helped me in the past and that I've been reading more about lately is asking myself 'what would I want to do if I knew I were going to die in 10 years/5 years/1 year?' And also - how would I be treating my body, what changes would I be making if I knew for a fact that, say, my unhealthy habits were going to kill me in 5 or 10 years? The reality is that most people in my family don't live past their 50s, so this example is a little extreme (I'm almost 30), but not that extreme. It really brings things into focus for me. And also when choosing what I want to focus on and spend my time on otherwise. I have a filmmaker friend who has a serious life-threatening illness who chooses their projects by asking themselves what they would make if this were their last film.

 

It's even more poignant for me because I lost a lot of time to trafficking and abuse, so I feel like I'm almost playing catchup on life - I am not in a hurry, exactly, but I also really don't want to waste time being in situations I am unhappy in. And I know that my physical situation is limited by my disabilities - like, pain-free isn't a realistic goal - but I still want to make the best of what I can improve and be as healthy as I can so that I feel better.

 

That ended up being more long-winded than I expected - sorry for the novel! Just rambling. It's subtle but I feel like this whole process (and LUYL in general as well as a couple of other things I am working on) is helping me shift some things.

 

edited to add: 24xp for the week + 28xp from last week = 52xp total

[aishah hope]

Quests for the weekend

2xp walk 10k steps _ _

2xp no drinking calories X _

2xp track food on MFP X X

2xp 20xp on Duolingo [for real this time] 

1xp finish Elevate recordings for this week

5xp meal plan and go grocery shopping

2xp do laundry

5xp go to seminar on Saturday and turn in paperwork

5xp church on Sunday + class + small group + memorial service(maybe) - have an in-depth conversation with at least one person

5xp do at least half of editing job [I got my first real editing gig! Reviewing part of a manuscript - has to be in by next Thursday]

2xp volunteer for the game I play

1xp pick up books from library

 

I'm reluctant to try to tackle many big goals since I have a pretty full weekend plus next week is going to be ridiculous. I'm SO looking forward to the end of the school year (plus getting Memorial Day off). So keeping things simple-ish for now! I have a laundry list of things I 'need' to do but just holding off on what isn't absolutely essential for the moment and taking baby steps here and there.

 

edited to add: I think I decided I'll stick with the challenges as far as leveling goes (I like to sorta kinda blend in), but I want to count xp as I level to see how high I can go at each level. It seems silly but it's helping me. 

[TophGal]

12 hours ago, aishah hope said:

You're too sweet! Sending happy thoughts that we both break out of these emotional eating patterns. I've at least started to be more mindful about mine (journaling is helping a lot) even when I am not always able to interrupt them.

It's hard!! I'm sort of glad it's not just me. Even when I am mindful, sometimes I'm still like, "Yup, I know I'm numbing and not actually hungry right now- nope, I need this and I seriously can't do anything else." I need to journal more, but it also really helps me!

 

I love the idea of asking what you'd do if you'd die in x years... really makes you stop and think. I'm trying to wrap my brain around some of that stuff too, simplify life and do the things that really matter the most. PS Hope it's not too personal, feel free to not answer or be as vague as you are comfortable with- you were involved in trafficking? o_o

And I feel a little better now too because I'm writing novels and personal manifestos in my daily battle log. I have to process some of these things for myself!! Sometimes it's like pre-or post-processing for my journal, and other times it's the only journaling I get done in a day!!

[aishah hope]

I'm a trafficking survivor, it's something I end up talking about sometimes because it was a huge part of my life (from age 11-25) and also because I do some work occasionally (working on creating more time for it!) around anti-trafficking, educating service providers and law enforcement, that sort of thing. The Elevate program I've been putting in my tasks is a really cool scholarship-based community support program for survivors that has helped me a lot (I'm almost at the end of it). If anyone is interested in learning more about sex trafficking in the U.S. and Europe the book Girls Like Us by Rachel Lloyd is a really good place to start.

For me when I think about self-improvement and things like that the loss (in some ways) of that time makes it feel more urgent for me. And it continues to impact my life in that I've struggled a lot with housing stability, employment, mental health stuff, etc. due to it (and a difficult situation I was in afterward, last year), but thankfully am making some progress.

[Mazarine]

I'm really happy you are safe now and all of your progress this week has been monumental. Like, I feel a little bad because you were a powerhouse and I barely got through the week! 

 

Even though I can understand why you feel like you lost time (because you did), I want to just put it out there that there's nothing for you to catch up on. You are doing you and that's all that matters. You don't need to catch up to anybody! That being said, learning how to Adult is hard for everyone and I'm here for leaning on and commiserating! 

[Sevasan]

I am glad to see you are working on your journey to self improvement.  It always helps me to see and be inspired by others.  Keep up the good work and go at your own pace.  You have made a new fan!  I can't even imagine what you have gone through and trying to make the best of now.   Keep at it! 

[TophGal]

Good heavens. I can't imagine your life or journey, but I am so inspired that here you are, moving forward, being a force for good in the world! This hits really close to my heart because, although I have not been a victim of trafficking, it is something that has directly and personally impacted my life in a big way. My heart goes out to you so much. I campaign some for Operation Underground Railroad and someday I hope to be able to contribute in a more meaningful way. If there's a fight I want to fight, it's that one. I know what you mean about feeling like you have to play "catch up." It's frustrating. But look at you now, pushing forward like a boss! I bet you will reach heights and happiness beyond your dreams, in time.  

 

[aishah hope]

You guys are too sweet - your comments really mean a lot to me. I don't think of myself as terribly inspiring (especially when it comes to stuff like what I am working on now - it feels like an uphill battle!) so it means a lot that I can inspire someone else. <3 I'm always happy to chat here or via PM about anything. And I'm really grateful for your passion and work around the issue TophGal!

 

And amen to Adulting being difficult! I am proud of all of us for giving it a shot (and keeping  up the fun at the same time).

 

Recap of this weekend:

Did laundry, went grocery shopping (although I don't think I get full points since I didn't exactly meal plan too much...), volunteered, got books from library, caught up on Elevate, knocked out some Dutch lessons. I was so tired and realized my to do list was way beyond my capacity if I wanted to be out all day Saturday, so I skipped Saturday's end-of-life seminar. Sort of disappointed because I heard it was really good but sleeping in and catching up on stuff really helped me feel less stressed, so it's a trade off.

 

A survivor leader in our community passed away this past week and I was really down over that - normally church is the highlight of my week but I really had to talk myself into going on Sunday and into staying for small group. I didn't end up staying for the memorial service (it was for a different person, a member of the church who passed away) because I had errands but I'm really glad that I went to the service/class/group and it helped me a lot to be around people. I didn't get started on the editing job but will work on it in between busy spells at work and in the evening this week.

 

Managed to track on MFP, drank a shaken tea lemonade thingy from Starbucks on Sunday so didn't get my full points for not drinking calories. Around 5k steps on Sat and 9.5k on Sun - just shy of 10k. One thing I am realizing with this whole drinking/not drinking calories thing is that while I don't avoid it 100% of the time I'm much more mindful about when I choose to. I don't just order Coke to go with whatever I'm eating because I'm addicted to Coke and it's there. 

 

Xp earned: 18

Total xp: 70

 

Did I mention I'm super excited about my first (hopefully not going to fall off the wagon this time) challenge?! I am. It's coinciding with Ramadan (I identify as Muslim and Unitarian Universalist and go to both services, to explain the whole church AND Ramadan thing). And I have a lot to work on.

 

This week's to-dos (M-F):

5xp - Track food on MFP X X _ _ _

5xp - No drinking calories _ X X X X

5xp - 9k steps/day (maybe that will be slightly more doable!) _ X _ _ _

5xp - Get 100xp on Duolingo X X X X X X X X X X

10xp - For real do this editing project and get it submitted by Friday

5xp - Polish up piece & perform for in-game event on Friday

2xp - Create challenge thread

2xp - First week of second TESOL cert class

2xp - Second week of Learning How to Learn class

1xp - Call to change therapy appointment

1xp - Call to change PCP appointment

1xp - order and pick up meds

1xp - go to post office

1xp - do laundry

1xp - Sign up for a CTL shift for next week [One of my Epic Quests is to volunteer regularly for Crisis Text Line for a year - I had been trained but got out of it last year due to all the upheaval and I'm really excited to have time to get back to it after this week, hopefully!]

1xp - Finish reading So Good They Can't Ignore You

1xp - Finish reading Our Chosen Faith

1xp - Finish reading Deep Work

[Mazarine]

Ramadan is a huge challenge itself! Good luck!

 

Every time I read your posts I'm like "Damn she did a lot..." You're doing great! I hope you aren't sweating the trade offs you need to do here and there for your sanity!

[aishah hope]

10 hours ago, Estral said:

Ramadan is a huge challenge itself! Good luck!

 

Every time I read your posts I'm like "Damn she did a lot..." You're doing great! I hope you aren't sweating the trade offs you need to do here and there for your sanity!

Aww, thanks! Part of why I like tracking the day to day to dos is it reminds me that I AM actually moving forward and taking baby steps and taking care of what I need to do. It's really empowering and makes me feel like I have momentum. I'm mostly okay with not getting everything done - sometimes I misjudge how much time or energy I'll have and this process is making me WAY more mindful about my priorities, so I'm learning what to prioritize and what to let go.

I'm not fasting from food for Ramadan (I'm exempt for health reasons and because I have to take medicine during the day) but I am going to try and work more on some personal things and get my prayers more regular and all that good stuff. This is the first Ramadan I've been really excited about since I lived in Virginia like 5-6 years ago and could go to the mosque every day.

I'm having a crisis of conscience about a berry (no sugar added) smoothie/juice thing my friend just gave me at work - does that count as drinking calories? Because it is totally delicious and she made it (from scratch) especially for me so I can't turn it down!

[Solunaria]

You are inspiring.

[Mazarine]

38 minutes ago, aishah hope said:

I'm having a crisis of conscience about a berry (no sugar added) smoothie/juice thing my friend just gave me at work - does that count as drinking calories? Because it is totally delicious and she made it (from scratch) especially for me so I can't turn it down!

 

I think if there's no sugar added to the whole thing then it should be fine! Let's just hope it's filling!

[aishah hope]

So this week was the week from hell at work, and I didn't expect to get everything done. I did less well than I wanted on the habits (good with Duolingo and not drinking calories, not so good with walking and tracking food) but better on other stuff (except laundry!). I still have to finish Deep Work and my IC performance piece today for my game, but I'm confident I'll get those done by the end of the day. I am super proud of myself for finishing the editing project and getting it sent off yesterday early afternoon, though.

 

Xp this week (assuming I finish the performance piece and the book): 40

Total earned this level so far: 110 xp

 

Going to go ahead and post tasks for this weekend here...I may have to come back and edit them. I'm going to start the challenge on Monday because I tend to order my weeks that way and I'm tracking challenge stuff over in that thread. (Plus it's a holiday and I'm off so yay for having more time!)

 

2xp - No drinking calories X _

2xp - Tracking on MFP _ _

2xp - Journal _ X

2xp - 50xp on Duolingo X X _ _ _
2xp - Elevate module 15

2xp - LHTL week 3

2xp - TESOL class week 2

2xp - Class, church, have an in-depth convo with at least one new person

2xp - 5 hours volunteering for game

1xp - laundry

1xp - Finish Our Chosen Faith

1xp - Finish leadership book

[Axiel]

Awesome job! We all have off days & weeks, but you you did the most important thing - you still did something.  Even the smallest progress is still progress

 

[aishah hope]

Thanks for the encouragement, Axiel - it really made my weekend!
 

This weekend ended up going in all different directions, but I did get some things done. More importantly, I got some relaxation and unscheduled fun (read: a Sons of Anarchy marathon and a trip to the library) in, which was sorely needed after last week. Also got a head start on some of the HTML & CSS studying I wanted to do this week.

XP earned: 11
Total XP this level: 121
 

This week starts my first challenge! So I'm tracking challenge stuff separately in my challenge thread (it's in my signature) and will add XP at the end of the challenge, but here is what I am working on: going to Tai Chi once this week, praying fajr every day, tracking food on MFP, avoiding liquid calories, and doing deliberate coding practice every day.

Other stuff I want to work on this week:

5xp - 100xp on Duolingo _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

5xp - CS50x week 1 lectures + problem set

2xp - finish Shay Howe HTML & CSS basics course

2xp - finish FCC responsive web design challenges

2xp - Learning How to Learn course week 3
2xp - TESOL course week 2

2xp - Elevate module 16

2xp - Elevate mission statement assignment

2xp - 5 hours volunteering for my game
1xp - finish at least one book I'm reading (more books = more xp)

1xp - laundry

[aishah hope]

So far this week - 14xp, total of 135xp altogether

 

I've been super depressed the past few days and haven't been doing the things I really want to do. I'm working on getting past this "hump." In the meantime, I decided I'm not really in the right headspace to take up doing CTL again right now - I was physically and emotionally dreading my shifts and worried that it would worsen my depression at the moment. So I decided to drop that for now and use the time to focus more on coding.

 

This weekend (Thurs-Sun), I really want to work on:

 

4xp - journal _ _ _ _

5xp - CS50x week 1 problem set

3xp - attend church, class, and circle, talk to 1 new person

2xp - therapy, talk about emotional eating and depression

2xp - CS50x week 1 lecture and section videos

2xp - Elevate mission statement

1xp - Elevate lives for module 16

1xp - pick up mail

1xp - laundry