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Ladylydia: Still Breathing


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Sheesh, 

 

I couldn't even find my own page at first, it had been so long since I've been here.  Recap time- as promised, but will be written in sections due to available time:

 

 

So after completely failing a couple challenges, a couple months back.  I took time off everything to really analyze my current needs, desires, ability levels and resources.

 

Desired: I want to lose the hundred pounds I put back on after graduating law school. I also want to at least recover, if not increase the strength, speed, flexibility and endurance I had at my best levels of fitness.  Ideally, I would like to have this done by Christmas; I also want a 37 hour day and enough funds to afford the expensive gyms in town, enough kitchen space to successfully food prep three months in advance, and to be able to hydrate through osmosis instead of actively drinking water. These aren't exactly practical. 

 

Needed: I need to improve my mobility and stamina for Jujitsu and general fitness.  I need to lose an unspecified amount of weight to make mobility easier.  I need some sort of food prep for days when I'm short on time, I need to actually get to bed before 3am (something that's unfortunately common). I need to avoid injury from over-exertion, and I need to avoid the traps of eating disorders which I've had in the past. 

In the past I've talked about being anorexic, this was a self-diagnosis I came up with five or six years ago; and I after doing some research lately, I now think I was wrong.  I think I was bulimic but my purging was done through excessive exercise.  Basically whether fat or thin, I have issues with binge eating, when I was thin I followed a really strict diet in between binges and counteracted them with extreme exercise practices.  Sometimes I have very healthy fitness practices, but it is so easy to fall into the unhealthy practices, I have to self- monitor like I'm two people.  I would really like to finally break this cycle.    

 

I finally came to the realization that I have been afraid to put any real effort into my health for the past few years because I don't want to lose my head again and relapse into bulimia.   All those "push-through- the- pain" people do not consider those of us with poor boundaries. And to be frank, if it wasn't for knee problems that started last year, I probably have been purging this whole past year. There's something so addictive about being hungry and exercising into exhaustion.  At this point, I honesty believe if I ever lose myself to a second bout of bulimia I might end up inadvertently killing myself this time. I had a long talk with my mom about it about a month ago, where I voiced my concerns about starting the behaviors again. No one even begun to catch on last time that I had a problem until I was over 80 lbs down from my original weight and loosing my hair.  And now, I'm not around roommates and people who see me every day.  I assumed because I live and work alone, most of my client and opposing counsel interactions are handled on the phone or through email, and professional clothing can be worn loose without raising any concerns; that it would be really easy to hide this time.  However, my mom said she would keep me accountable regarding the bulimia, as I live much closer now, and she now know what to look for.   I realized the extent of how much of a problem this still was for me because had a severe moment of panic when she stated that she would be monitoring me; because  I realized I wouldn't be in control or able to get away with it if I wanted to. 

 

For now I am purposely not tracking anything, I am just working on mindfulness. Mindful eating, mobility and flexibility, until it's second nature. It would be better to build a thorough foundation then charge towards an impressive goal. 

 

 

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Also, life update:  I'm currently learning Spanish, German, and Korean;. Business is going fairly well; largely unimpressive, but steady.  Not sure if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I got my second degree black belt in Aiki jujitsu at some point this past summer.  And I've started taking turmeric/ginger supplements that have done wonders for my stiff joints. 

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Ok, part II

 

I couldn't remember doing anything productive health-wise this past year, and read through my older threads to see what I was up to this past year.  I was doing well with steady progressions on fitness and proper dieting until May when I started having injuries and my mom went to the hospital.  Then I just sort of fizzled out due to depression and burnout.  I wasn't really sure what I want anymore. 

 

A couple months ago, someone on the NF Women's FB page said something about not knowing her "big why" anymore.  Even though I was struggling with that myself, I found myself answering her.  Have you ever answered someone's question and found yourself speaking a truth you didn't know until you heard yourself speak/write it?  That happens to me sometimes, like I'm hearing the information or idea for the first time with everyone else, even though it's coming out of my mouth/fingertips.  Anyway, I found myself telling her that maybe she no longer had a "big why" but instead lots of little ones, like being able to carry something easily or walk further then before.  It turned out to be exactly what I needed to hear as well; and I've let that concept swirl around my head for awhile.  I didn't act on it right away, in fact I didn't do anything. Every time I try to work out, something got in the way: my mom needed help, I'd injure myself, or I'd have a bad day and be in a rough enough mental state that I couldn't focus on anything; so outside of jujitsu, I basically stopped working out all together.  I let I basically let myself dissolve into emotional and physical mush for awhile. 

 

I came to one major conclusion which lead to many minor conclusion: I've been approaching life wrong.  Or rather, I've been approaching my adult life the way I had approached student life for so many years.  

 

I like goals; no, I'd say I love goals. I like gathering accomplishments, but I'm not all that into maintaining the behaviors that got me there afterwards.  It's not possible to maintain pursuit behaviors, not with the way I pursue goals.  I go after things with single-minded determination to the exclusion of nearly all else; and while that was fine while I was in school where the nature of being a student demanded the same attitude. It hasn't translated very well to actually living in the working adult world.  I burned out, in every aspect of life until I didn't care about anything anymore.  I don't think I need any fitness goals for a while, what I need is a fitness foundation, so that I have a place to stand in between the goals. 

 

In the midst of the quiet, I came to the conclusion that outside of some fairly unrealistic desires for myself, mentioned earlier this week.  What I mainly wanted was little things.  1). I want my joints to not hurt or be stiff anymore, so it's easier to move around. My whole right side is screwed up: shoulder joint, ulnar nerve entrapment, hip flexors, and anterior knee tendons. I want my endurance back, my strength and flexibility back, I want to be able to move around easily and comfortably.  If I had never lost weight the first time around, I wouldn't know what I was missing now, but I know how much easier it is to move around when I'm smaller, and I crave that mobility. 2). I want time for myself, I want to expand upon the hobbies and interests I put a pin in during college and law school and redevelop certain skill sets.  

 

There were a couple of things I started doing.  I started leaving work when the work day ended.  I carved out at least one day of my weekend, and sometimes the whole weekend, to dedicate to batch cooking and meal prep, which leaves my evenings free. I'm not counting calories, portions, macros, micros, water glasses; I am instead focusing on how I feel when I eat certain things and certain portions sizes.  I am trying to find my balance between binge-ing and dieting.  I'm not following a workout plan, schedules, or any preconceived notions of where I should be, instead I am stretching and working on balance, mobility and core strength; building my stabilizing muscles to avoid future injuries.  

 

There are no goals, there just is. 

 

 

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The multiple language learning has actually been really helpful in wrapping my head around safe and steady training.  As I mentioned before I'm teaching myself three languages right now: Spanish, German and Korean.  I'm using Duolingo for all three.  With Spanish (which I first learned in high school but have since gotten out of practice) I'm also reading Harry Potter in Spanish (I've gotten through two pages in a month),  with German and Korean I'm watching t.v. shows in those languages; and with Korean I'm also taking a workbook course, since it's the one I am least familiar with.   

 

I initially had a weekly study schedule for the language learning, but I now I study a little of everything every day, and I've been advancing faster, with better retention that way.   Even if I just spend five minutes on each language a day, I study everything.   It started to dawn on me to try this with the workouts.  Five minutes a little of everything.   For the record I'm not really doing "everything'  I'm just doing pushups, squats and either planks or sit ups. For the past two weeks, I've been doing just 10 -20 reps of each every day with a focus on mobility.  I've been feeling a lot better and my joints are less sore.    

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I've started this thing with my mom, where I text her every night after a workout to let her know I've finished a workout.  If she doesn't get a text by a certain time she calls or texts me to give me a reminder to do it.  It's been a good source of accountability.

 

I've decided yesterday to ditch a set number of reps, and instead I'm going for a set time.  1 min each of: running in place, squats, knee push ups, and crunches; with 20 sec. of rest in between each set.  I didn't keep track yesterday, but I'm going to start tonight.  Over the next few weeks I'll work on form and slowly increasing reps as I go.  When I feel ready, I'll add a second, and eventually third set of everything.  And when it feels right (I will not give myself a specific date, because that's how I end up failing to listen to my body) then I'll switch it up to harder and more varied exercises.   

 

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I'm not liking for the injury or for the bad. I'm liking for the learning. Learning more and learning better means doing better by default.

 

You're gonna be ok. Like you said, now that you know what's going on, you can match treatment to it, which should help things improve.

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Being able to actually and properly treat my IT band has vastly improved my leg issues.  So much that I was able to workout again today, at least a little. 

 

 2 min warm up.

 

12 min. time challenge: 3 rounds

  • 15 sliding side lunges- R
  • 15 sliding side lunges- L
  • 10 knee pushups
  • 15 Russian twists

 2 min. stretches. 

 

 

For the past month I've been seriously tracking my food again: water consumption, calories,  portion size and macros.   I haven't restricted myself just tracking . Yesterday I took a red pen to everything I could have either had  in a smaller portion or skipped entirely.  And I'm taking in 500-800 over daily.   I also notice a pretty direct correlation to calories and carb intake, and how I was feeling that day, so I guess I need to work on my emotional health as well. 

 

Besides a raging headache  since this morning, I have felt much better today.    

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You know, i honestly thought when i found out about my IT band issues that i could have it all fixed in a week or two. But it looks like this is going to take some real work to improve and I'm having a hard time reigning in my expectations.   Had jujitsu this evening and just barely got through my stances because my legs were so tight.  This will be a work in progress i guess.  

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Hoorary!!!! After much yoga and ice my leg finally feels better.  I have lightly started to work out again; which is such a relief as I am so out of shape right now.   I am coming up on my 32nd birthday, and I was 22 when I first started really paying attention to my health; so after a decade, in many ways I feel as though I am back to where I started.  In many ways I am light-years ahead where I started because I know so much more about how my body and temperament respond to things.  Sometimes it's about the journey, sometimes it's about the destination,  but either way it's a lot easier if you know the roads you're taking. 

 

Yesterday, the TryGuys posted a video in which one of the members was trying to 10,000 squats in a single day; he didn't do it, he had to stop after roughly 2000, but it got me wondering how long it would take me to do 10,000 squats.   Additionally, my jujitsu instructor put me in charge of a 10 week  beginner's self-defense class, that starts next week; a lot of my basic techniques have gotten rusty/sloppy because we've been focused on more advanced stuff for a while. So I came up with a tracking charts yesterday and made up some goals.

 

The first was to see just how long it takes me to do 10,000 squats.  Unlike my previous high-volume exercise goals, I am not putting a target completion date or event a target daily amount. Break/rest/sick days are allowed, as are I'm-too-busy-not-now days.   Whether it takes me a month, or the whole year; I am just going to see how long it takes me to get to 10,000 squats.   (And really, I might as well do this with push ups too).  Different and varied styles are allowed.  I did 100 squats yesterday. 

 

The second goal is to practice my martial arts forms on a regular basis. Between the Taekwondo, Tungsoodo, and Kempo Jitsu I have 26 forms that I almost never do.  I should change that, there's good stuff to practice in them.  I'm going to track that one a little differently; instead of a set, high-volume, number of completed forms, I'm tracking how often I do each one in month. The ideal will be to eventually build a habit in which I do each one 10 times a month.    

 

Therefore:

 

Goal 1: 10,000 Squats=>  10,000 19,900.

Goal 2. 10,000 Push ups=>. 10,000

 

 

 

 

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TKD

 

TSD

KJ

1.Courtesy-

 

1.Il Bu-

1. Sanchen-

2. Integrity-

 

2. E Bu-

2. Pyang Ohn Shodan?-

3.Perseverance-

 

3. Sam Bu-

3. 12 Iron Elbows-

4. Self-Control-

 

4. Il Dan?-

4. 4 Shields-

5. Indomitable Spirit-

 

5.E Dan?-

5. Nahanshi?-

6.Confidence-

 

6.Sam Dan?-

 

7. Allegiance -

 

7. O Dan?-

 

8. Assertiveness-

 

 

Weapons

9. Serenity-

 

 

1. Jong Bong I-

10. Kwon Gae-

 

 

2. Sword I-

11. Gae Beck-

 

 

 

12. Po Um-

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Recap from last week..  200 squats. (10,000   9,800),  no pushups, (10,000).   

 

On 2/2/2020 at 3:24 PM, ladylydia said:

TKD

 

TSD

KJ

1.Courtesy-

 

1.Il Bu-

1. Sanchen-

2. Integrity-

 

2. E Bu-

2. Pyang Ohn Shodan?-

3.Perseverance-

 

3. Sam Bu-

3. 12 Iron Elbows-

4. Self-Control-

 

4. Il Dan?-

4. 4 Shields- l

5. Indomitable Spirit-

 

5.E Dan?-

5. Nahanshi- ll

6.Confidence-

 

6.Sam Dan?-

 

7. Allegiance -

 

7. O Dan?-

 

8. Assertiveness-

 

 

Weapons

9. Serenity-

 

 

1. Jong Bong I-

10. Kwon Gae-

 

 

2. Sword I-

11. Gae Beck-

 

 

 

12. Po Um-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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squats this week: 70,  

Pushups: 15 incline. 

Forms : nothing new. 

 

Also started tracking/counting portions and macros. (NOT CALORIES,) I haven't tracked my food without tracking calories in about ten years, so we'll see how this goes.  

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At the beginning of March, Covid started shutting everything down, and I did nothing for about two months. 

 

I was actually sick for about three weeks in March, I never got officially tested for Covid, but whatever I had felt like walking pneumonia with a low grade, intermittent, fever.  Early on, I transitioned to working at home, and I still feel like I'm trying to catch up from that decision.  The courts essentially closed during those two months, so my cases didn't move very much and I basically sat a home in a introverted wonderland of Netflix and gardening. My meal prepping died since I was home all the time. And because I wasn't feeling well for the first three weeks, my workouts died off for a long time as well. 

 

In May my case load exploded with new people, so May and June I spent catching up the new influx of clients and their immediate problems.  And now in July as I transition into working back at the office, I'm catching up on the stuff I was ignoring for the past four months.  That was a long, round about way of saying my fitness took a back seat for awhile so I could work on personal stuff. 

 

I recently had some very long, open conversations with my church group about my fears of relapsing into bulimia, so I have some accountability from people who physically see me on a regular basis; which put a lot of my fears of overdoing things to rest.   And in the past week, I've devised an incentive based program for myself.  I've decided a need an incentive based program because in the past few years, I seem to be incapable of sticking to something for very long.  Counting calories, portion control, reasonable bed times, body weight programs, weight lifting programs, cardio programs....they all work, when I can stick to them.  But I either try to do too much too fast, and get hurt and discouraged; or I try to do too little, to encourage habit building, and get bored.  I've tried incentive systems before as well, such as if I lose a certain number of pounds or inches I get to buy new clothes or a movies or something; those don't work either because inevitably I will need new cloths first or I decide I don't care about the movie or cd, or I just buy them anyway.  I've realized I can't make the prize something I use on a regular basis, or actually need, otherwise the incentive gets ignored.    So I've devised a completely new system, with a massage as the reward/incentive.  I love massages and rarely get them because of cost and scheduling, so it seems like a  reward I might actually work towards. 

 

60 points = 30 min. massage.  Single points come from having completed a whole day of any of the following: proper diet/nutrition (1800-2500 calories, or hitting certain portion macros), 7+ glasses of water. going to bed before 11:30 pm, doing a workout, walking a mile, or leaving work by 5:30 pm.  Two points will be given for every pound of weight loss; and five points will be given for every inch lost and sustained for more than one week. 

 

It seems really arbitrary in some realms, and really strict in others, but I think that's why it will work.   

 

 

 

   

 

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