NF Singles Chat Thread

[aishah hope]

I'm starting it. Being single is a journey and I'm also new to the forums so still trying to get in where I fit in - I figured having a chat thread for others experiencing the ups and downs of singledom might be a good idea!

 

In latest news, I briefly reactivated my OkCupid profile, promptly got overwhelmed by the volume of messages and had a minor panic attack and deactivated it again. I suck at online dating (though I met a couple of past partners through the interwebs) and am sort of ambivalent about the idea of dating right now but some days I think it's a good idea. (And occasionally my psychiatrist is like "It's cool that you're involved in church and studying and everything, so how about dating?" and then that is super awkward.)

[Wobbegong]

Back before I knew I was asexual, I had an OKCupid profile. The few dates I went on have become extraordinarily good stories since then. As far as trying new things goes, the way I see it, either you have a great time and you've found something you like, or you have a rough time but you'll have a good story later. 

 

I am currently a sort-of single ace/aro woman. I say sort-of because my best friend and ex-roomie was also a single ace woman and we kind of lived like lovers... in a platonic way. We may or may not still be together since I moved out. 

 

I'm not looking for a partner (except maybe a dog) as I very much enjoy being single, but there is a lot of social pressure out there to "find someone." My parents especially are eager for grandchildren (sorry Mom and Dad! Ask my sister maybe??) and have made it clear they expect me to find happiness with a mate. Even though I'm not looking, Aishah is right, being single is a journey; I'll follow along here and see how it goes. 

[Red1263]

I've recently joined a new geek theme dating website called Finding Player Two. Com and it's interesting so far, they're having quite a bit of IT problems but they're working on it. So far I have an ongoing conversation with someone from Denmark, but that's about it

 

Sent from my SM-G925T using Tapatalk

 

 

[aishah hope]

So cool! I will have to check out that site, Red

 

I can relate a bit to the social pressure, Wobbegong. I have a little bit of that with work and my religious community (though not so much from my family as most have passed away or are estranged except for my sister). Getting married is a BIG thing in our community so the fact that I have been really "meh" about that and am a 29-year-old spinster is seen as pretty weird.

I find OKCupid intimidating partly because I'm not interested in a sexual relationship right now...I identify as panromantic/demisexual and any sort of sexual relationship would be a slow process to develop for me. And it seems so much of OKC is focused on hooking up! I am sure everyone isn't like that and I did try to tailor my profile to weed folks out but then y ou have the issue of everyone thinking they're going to be the exception and/or not reading the profile. So...for now I'm just accepting that maybe it isn't my scene. I did make a profile on a long-distance dating website just to experiment since I've had really good experiences with relationships that started out long-distance or were long-distance at some point in the past.

[Wobbegong]

4 hours ago, aishah hope said:

And it seems so much of OKC is focused on hooking up! I am sure everyone isn't like that and I did try to tailor my profile to weed folks out but then you have the issue of everyone thinking they're going to be the exception and/or not reading the profile. 

 

I follow @datingafeminist_ on instagram and she went so far as to put an outrageous personal story on her profile just to be able to weed out the people who don't read it. Anyone who contacts her with a "I read your profile and I think we'd be a great fit ;)" gets met only with laughter. 

 

[Ana Fini]

The fear of being alone was my biggest one. I was very depressed for some years after I leave a very nice relationship that I had. I was very bad to myself even though I wasn't completely alone I felt like no one would ever love me again.

Then I got some help from a psychologist and later on I had another relationship that wasn't so great. I understood that I was in the relationship because I was still very afraid of being alone and I decided to face my fear.

I read a nice book https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Alone-School-Life/dp/0230768083 that helped me a lot and decided that I should really be alone.

It was very hard in the first year, I cried, I had some bad thoughts, but it all passed. I changed my way of thinking, I'm now my best friend, my own cheerleader. 

Sometimes I think that it would be nice to know someone that loves me and wants to spend the life with me, but I don't know if that exists or if I'm ready yet for that. There's so many things that I still need to do for myself that I might be way too self-centered for being with someone else.

I leave you this awesome video from The School of Life (they are awesome!!!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=350qUmbcAZU

 

[Brawlrus]

On 5/15/2017 at 5:16 PM, Red1263 said:

I've recently joined a new geek theme dating website called Finding Player Two. Com and it's interesting so far, they're having quite a bit of IT problems but they're working on it. So far I have an ongoing conversation with someone from Denmark, but that's about it

 

Sent from my SM-G925T using Tapatalk

 

 

Loving the irony of a geek themed dating site having IT problems.

[Guzzi]

@aishah hope I'm trying to remember the name of a dating site that I read about that was geared up towards women.  Something to do with bees...?  

 

Wait!  I found it!  It's called Bumble, there's an article about it here. 

[RedPandaOne]

I've been single for a couple years now, as in, no dates at all single. I like it, but would like to meet someone. I know for me there are several baggage issues I have to get over. And unfortunately, I gained this baggage with my very first real/serious relationship. Also, having gained all my weight back, I just haven't felt like I should be dating. 

 

The problem with being single for a long time and then going into a relationship is that we are so used to doing things on our own and forget what it's like having to...accommodate isn't the right word, but accommodate someone else.

 

I'm going to have to check out those two apps/sites. I was on another geek dating site years back and didn't have any luck with it. So few people were on it that I didn't get a lot of matches. 

[Guzzi]

You are so right @hurley8604!  Although the circumstances that made me single were difficult (I'm a widow) I actually enjoyed the freedom that I suddenly had.  We were together since I was 15 years old so I'd never actually known anything else.  I really feel like being single let me find out who I really was, and I enjoyed that.  

 

I met my boyfriend in June the year after my husband died but it was a long distance relationship so I still felt like I had the freedom to do as I pleased, I could come or go whenever I wanted, no pressure to go home after work to make dinner etc, etc. 

 

It it can be hard to make the transition into being part of a couple again.  There have been a few instances where we have had... disagreements? over things, but as long as you have the kind of relationship where you can talk things over then it works out. 

[Pherales]

Been on my own for....lord....coming up for eight years now, give or take.  

 

I've dabbled with dating profiles on a casual and not-so-casual basis over the years, but what I've generally found is that people aren't so much interested in me, as they are objectifying me.  Especially being obese, I've drawn the attention of a lot of the fat fetishists too many times to count.  Which for people into that is fine, but I'm not interested in being targeted because of a physical aspect I loathe and am changing.

 

The latest attempt was probably the worst for me.  Yet another fetishist, but he came in stealth.  We had a great conversation and discovered a lot of traditionalist values in common that are quite rare to find in society nowadays.  I think it took 45 seconds after me agreed to a weekend date for him to direct the conversation to sex and forcibly keep it there, so that got cut off real quick.

 

It can be horribly rough to get back in the dating pool after a long time on land, and for me it's just shark-infested waters.  So I'm not even putting my bathing suit on, I'm gonna sit here in my beach chair with a cool glass of water and a kiddie pool to keep my feet cool.  

[Guzzi]

Ugh @Dalish, that's awful!  It's hard enough trying to meet someone without being treated like you're not even a person, just an object.  Grrrrr!  

[Pherales]

Yeah @Guzzi, agreed.  Honestly it makes me quite sad for the direction society has been taking for quite some time.  The downside of the internet, allowing us to disassociate photos from people, has become almost like a mob mentality in some regards.  

 

But c'est la vie, eh?  The way I figure it, I've got plenty of me to work on and improve and a life plan to enact, and with all that to do I barely have time to breathe let alone add a relationship to the equation.  If it occurs then it occurs, but I'm done focusing on it

[Guzzi]

8 hours ago, Dalish said:

Yeah @Guzzi, agreed.  Honestly it makes me quite sad for the direction society has been taking for quite some time.  The downside of the internet, allowing us to disassociate photos from people, has become almost like a mob mentality in some regards.  

 

Yeah.   People seem to forget how to behave when they go online.  I think it's because they have a degree of anonymity there's no comeback, the normal rules of society just don't seem to apply for some reason.  You get people acting online in ways they would never do in real life.

 

Quote

But c'est la vie, eh?  The way I figure it, I've got plenty of me to work on and improve and a life plan to enact, and with all that to do I barely have time to breathe let alone add a relationship to the equation.  If it occurs then it occurs, but I'm done focusing on it

 

Great philosophy.  I think you have a far greater chance of finding real happiness with someone with that attitude.

 

I've never really been involved in dating, I'm 34 and I've only ever had two boyfriends, but I've always thought that I'd rather meet someone through a shared interest and develop a friendship/romance from there, (which is how both of my relationships started) than the old "meet someone in a bar, start dating and then try to find something in common" thing.  I think a lot of my friends' relationships really lack that, and once the lust/ honeymoon period/ novelty wears off then they really don't have much holding them together.  They don't actually do anything together, apart from maybe grocery shopping or something equally mundane (personally, I love grocery shopping!  All that food!  Omnomnom! ) and I think it's why those relationships don't last.  

 

Something that really helped me to build up my confidence when I was single was being able to flirt (innocently) online.  I say innocently because there was never any expectation on either side of it going anywhere, no "send me a photo of your tits, love"  (<-ugh!) just some friendly chat with another person who was also in the same situation, it was really good for my our self confidence.  And being on here really helped too, I was able to be completely myself online (because of the aforementioned anonymity) and that gave me a lot of confidence IRL too.  

 

My bf tried going on dating websites when he was single (after a serious, long term relationship) and I thought that would have had the same effect (boosting confidence etc) but he says it was the opposite.  He says that it actually sapped what little confidence he had.  These sites have something like 5 men for every 1 woman on them, which makes women feel like they're being hounded, but the flip side is that (my bf at least) felt like he was constantly facing rejection.  One thing that he found was that because he lived in a remote area women would totally dismiss him out of hand.  He changed the location on his profile and all of a sudden he started getting "winks" returned but he found it impossible to meet anyone "normal".  

 

He met a fair few nutters (par for the course on these sites, right?) but when he did start chatting with someone the "hook-up" culture reared it's head.  He started getting dirty photos and when he said "I don't think we should be sharing these yet, lets get to know each other first" he was dropped.  And I'm not talking about just one occasion here either!  He got "Oh you're in Aberdeen tonight, why not come round and spend the night with me" from a woman after, like an hour of texting.  

 

 

My bf isn't comfortable with any of that kind of stuff, it seems he's a bit old fashioned in that he actually wanted a relationship, not a hook-up.  (Sorry ladies, he's mine now. )  I think there's just a culture/expectation of that sort of behaviour on these dating sites, and just because you've signed up to a "niche" site doesn't mean your profile is only on that site.  I don't know if it's still the case but I read about it a couple of years back where women were companies had dozens of different dating sites and by putting your profile on say Single Parents Only, as an example, you unwittingly agreed to let them share your profile on all their sites, so you could also be on Big, Bust and Lusty or God only knows what.

 

 

^^^Right?  That's the face I made when I read it too.  Gotta love these grumpy babies  

[Pherales]

Yeah the t&c on some sites can be really sketchy on what you're agreeing to.  That's how people's photos end up on ads for fetish sites without their knowledge and stuff.  Truly frightening what companies will work at sliding past you that way.

 

I'm the same as that fella of yours, I snub the hookup culture pretty hard.  On the flip side, I really dislike the "let's be friends first" attitude as well.  I've got friends, I'm not looking to build another friendship that doesn't come with a romantic relationship attached.  The only reasoning I can come up with for separating them like that is that the hookup culture is so deeply ingrained in society that people don't actually know how to have a relationship anymore, so they have to figure it out piece by piece.

 

OKCupid has always been my go-to, it's the most user friendly one that's actually free to use.  And I've now dropped that too because I'm just so done with it, the internet truly doesn't work for me in that regard.  And yeah, I don't think that's much of a bad thing.  There's definitely something to be said for getting out there and engaging with people, developing connections organically.  

[Guzzi]

Hmm, yeah.  The only reason I say friendship/relationship is that for some people there's a need to take things very slowly and make sure that there really is a sound base for a relationship before actually taking the plunge into a sexual relationship.  That doesn't necessarily mean platonic friendship though, just maybe not diving straight in.  You can have a romantic relationship with someone, for however long you need, before taking it to the next level.

 

There are lots of people out there who, for various reasons, aren't comfortable with the idea that once you're dating someone then you're automatically having sex.  And that could be for moral/religious reasons, or maybe because they've just come out of a long term relationship or been divorced.  Personally I would want to know that I actually knew and liked a person before I started sleeping with them, which kinda makes me sound like a prude, but I'm not, honest!   

 

I just feel like once you're in a sexual relationship with someone then it can be really difficult to separate the emotions and feelings that come with (good?) sex, and how you feel about that person as a person.  But then maybe I'm weird because I don't really find myself attracted to people I don't know.  Sounds odd, huh?  I am attracted to peoples' personalities far more than their outward appearance, if a guy is totally hot (by society's standards) but is a total douche, then all I see is a douchebag.  I fell for my bf Colin when he was 60-70lbs overweight with a double chin and sunburn/peeling skin on his nose.  Attractive, huh? 

 

Am I odd weird?  Yeah, probably.  

 

[Pherales]

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm probably one of the least sexual people I've ever met without being outright asexual.  It might be a culture/society thing, but the standard practice out here is literally "You're looking for a relationship, so I'm going to contact you with a view to us being friends for the next three years and maybe something develops."  Pointless exercise in pointlessness, we're not looking for the same things if that's your approach so why contact me, type deal.

 

If anything I have a tendency to get on my soapbox about not being able to differentiate between a romantic relationship and a sexual relationship with added romance.  There are plenty of loving relationships out there which are 100%, "this is my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner" which are completely nonsexual for a multitude of reasons.  

 

And I am a prude, in comparison to most people I meet, haha.  I'm quite comfortable and happy discussing sex rationally/educationally etc, but once it gets even a little raunchy in nature I'm out.  Makes me hella uncomfortable.

 

Hooray for weirdness!

[Guzzi]

10 hours ago, Dalish said:

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, I'm probably one of the least sexual people I've ever met without being outright asexual.  It might be a culture/society thing, but the standard practice out here is literally "You're looking for a relationship, so I'm going to contact you with a view to us being friends for the next three years and maybe something develops."  Pointless exercise in pointlessness, we're not looking for the same things if that's your approach so why contact me, type deal.

 

      Wt...???  Where the heck are you?  That makes me sound positively progressive!  I only made Colin wait for 2 months before things got heavy, we were long distance but if we'd been living closer (I would like to think that) I would have waited about the same time.  Mind you, I can't really say what I would or wouldn't do since I have no past experiences to go by.  

 

Standard practice in this country is the other way around -

1. meet stranger in a pub whilst you're shit-faced (aka drunk, to anyone outside the UK)

2. swap saliva and possibly phone numbers

3. text each other furiously and suggestively

4. wonder what each other looked like because you were too drunk at the time to remember

5 - things can go one of two ways from here 

(i) meet up, get drunk and have drunken sex OR

(ii) the guy/girl suddenly stops texting for no apparent reason leaving you wondering what happened

6 - again there are two possibilities

(i) boink like rabbits and just hope to God that you actually have any interests/beliefs/aspirations in common

(ii) realise that even though you shagged him/her last night you aren't really interested so stop texting without any apparent reason and hope they get the message.

 

I can't say what goes on as far as internet dating but if the experiences of a couple of my friends is anything to go by then it's roughly the same.  A male (ex)friend of mine has around 13 women on the go at any one time, he even keeps a notebook of when he spoke to each one last and what each one knows about etc so that he doesn't get caught out.  I don't know/want to know how many of these he is doing more than just talking with, that was the last conversations I had or am likely to have with him.  **shudders**

 

10 hours ago, Dalish said:

If anything I have a tendency to get on my soapbox about not being able to differentiate between a romantic relationship and a sexual relationship with added romance.  There are plenty of loving relationships out there which are 100%, "this is my boyfriend/girlfriend/partner" which are completely nonsexual for a multitude of reasons.  

 

Exactly, we all have very different needs and wants, what works for you might be Hell for me, and vice versa.  I have a friend who's in a non-sexual relationship right now, although that's her girlfriend's choice not hers, and she would really like that to change.  She's holding out because she says she'd rather be with her sans sex that without her completely, but I think it will split them up eventually.  

 

Personally I don't think I could have a nonsexual relationship (not that I can actually enjoy sex right now, hooray for pain and discomfort!) because of the feelings of physical and emotional closeness that come with it.  I find it to be very bonding.  Which I guess is why I like to be sure that I like the person before getting to that stage.

 

10 hours ago, Dalish said:

Hooray for weirdness!

 

Amen to that! 

[Pherales]

It's one extreme or the other out here in Perth, either they're just looking to hookup casually or they're looking to sit you in the friendzone (I hate that term but it's applicable in this circumstance) for a few years until they make a decision.  Which will probably be that they're just not looking for a relationship right now.  It's all a bit inane.

 

Yep, I couldn't be nonsexual either.  I've been there once and it doesn't work for me.  Like all aspects of dating, it's a big ol' balacing act.  I should have joined the circus, my hand-eye co ordination is awful

[aishah hope]

Amen to being fed up with hookup culture. It's one reason I really detest dating sites...even OKCupid. It's so frustrating. I tend to go the 'find someone through shared interests/activities' route but haven't gotten that lucky lately - but we'll see. Ever the optimist!

[RedPandaOne]

For the most part, I've avoided the guys who have just wanted to hook up on the websites. Though, there was one guy who was starting to get vulgar (we both have cats and he said something along the lines of 'you can move here and be my other pussy') and messaged a lot! Luckily for me he was in Sweden and I just ended up telling him there was no way it was going to work. 

 

I had one friend who was using Tinder a lot and couldn't figure out why she kept on being dumped 2 months into each relationship. I finally had to point out that they were dumping her once she slept with them.

 

My issue is that I'm just antisocial enough (damn anxiety) that I'll most likely never meet someone at the bar and take things from there. I hate bars and dance clubs. Doesn't help that I don't really drink. I know there are other places. And I sort of refuse to date friends. I've ruined one too many friendships that way. Also lost one friendship because I wouldn't go out with him. Which is a shame because he was a nice guy, just not my type (at the time, maybe now would be different, but he's married now). 

[Wobbegong]

On 5/20/2017 at 0:00 PM, Guzzi said:

But then maybe I'm weird because I don't really find myself attracted to people I don't know.  Sounds odd, huh?  I am attracted to peoples' personalities far more than their outward appearance, if a guy is totally hot (by society's standards) but is a total douche, then all I see is a douchebag.  I fell for my bf Colin when he was 60-70lbs overweight with a double chin and sunburn/peeling skin on his nose.  Attractive, huh? 

 

Am I odd weird?  Yeah, probably.  

 

.......isn't that the definition of demisexual though? Experiencing sexual attraction only after developing an emotional bond with the person? It doesn't sound odd or weird to me at all.

 

@aishah hope  @Dalish  @hurley8604, hookup culture is gross, but for finding interesting non-friends, maybe try meetup.com? It's more for finding groups of people with similar interests, but as far as I know there's no rule stating romantic intentions can't develop between participants. It's basically a way to find a bunch of people who have something in common with you, but since they're not necessarily going with the intent of finding a partner (and since the internet is only involved in the meetup planning), there's none of that anonymous assholery. 

[RedPandaOne]

I've checked it out. Actually met some great people through one group. Unfortunately, dated one of the members for about 3 weeks last year (forgot about him when I made my statement above that it's been a couple years, oops). Haven't talked to him since.I'm not very active in that group anymore, mostly because I've moved and all the meetups are now over 2 hours away. Add in summer and traffic, and it will be near impossible to hang with them. 

 

I'm trying to be a little bit more active in them. I got kicked out of one, I'm thinking because I couldn't make any of the events. One of the ones I just joined is called "social awkward walkers". It's set up for people like me who also want to get out and walk a bit. They've only had 1 meetup, which I couldn't do due to already scheduled plans. The next one is Saturday, but I'll be out of town for my cousins wedding. 

 

 

[aishah hope]

I really love meetup.com! I haven't been able to be that active due to lack of time/money but am hoping to get more involved this summer and fall. I'm studying web development and there are tons of awesome tech meetups near here.

[Guzzi]

On 23/05/2017 at 7:44 PM, Wobbegong said:

 

.......isn't that the definition of demisexual though? Experiencing sexual attraction only after developing an emotional bond with the person? It doesn't sound odd or weird to me at all.

 

Well look at that, you really do learn something new every day.  I had never even heard of that but it's good to know that I'm not alone.  Cheers Wobbegong!